My research of Sex Addiction takes me on many paths, from tawdry, much too explicit, blog sites to the rehashed sensationalism of the news media and the lengthy tomes of scientific research journals.
In my quest for knowledge I have seen a troubling trend, especially within the scientific community. That trend is the labeling of those involved with a Sex Addict, or any addict for that matter, as a co-addict. Because counselors and Sex Addiction treatment centers look toward the scientific community for guidance I expect to soon see the term co-addict routinely used to indicate someone who is in a relationship with a Sex Addict.
Fortunately the term has not reached the dictionary–yet, but it’s sister term, ‘co-dependent’, has a place of honor in Websters. We can thank Melody Beattie, the new guru of 12 step groups for women such as COSA and S-Anon, for the term co-dependency, which is the root of the co-addict phrase. Beattie has written several books on co-dependency, offering us volumes of advice on how to overcome this affliction.
Now anyone who embraces the philosophy of COSA or S-Anon would say that I am just in denial about not being a co-addict, and that given enough time I will eventually see the errors of my thinking and prostrate myself before a higher power and beg for forgiveness and enlightenment. Sounds like brainwashing to me.
I attended a few COSA meetings and was both appalled and angered by the tenets of their 12 steps. You can find them listed in one of my previous posts by clicking here. I’m afraid that I do not have any compulsive sexual behaviors to admit that I am powerless over (step 1), nor do I need to turn my will over to god ( I am a humanist). I have not committed any wrongs (step 5) nor do I have any defects of character that I need god to remove (step 6). And, I certainly haven’t harmed anyone and don’t feel any need to make amends (step 8).
My only crime was falling in love with and being deceived by a Sex Addict. That does not make me a co-addict!
There is no doubt that being in a relationship with a Sex Addict causes a person to change. These changes are merely methods of coping with a difficult situation. And, over time trying to make an abnormal relationship normal will take it’s toll on our personalities. Rather than labeling us co-addicts I would like to see professionals treat us for our trauma rather than pointing the not so subtle finger of guilt toward us by calling us a ‘co’ partner in crime.
An interesting phenomenon that occurs with someone involved in an abusive relationship (I have no doubt that Sex Addicts are abusers–read my post on that here) is called the Stockholm Syndrome. Here is a great link to an article that describes how it works: Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser.
The article lists situations where this syndrome may occur, such as:
- Abused Children
- Battered/Abused Women
- Prisoners of War
- Cult Members
- Incest Victims
- Criminal Hostage Situations
- Concentration Camp Prisoners
- Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
The article states, “In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation.”
I realize that treatment for Sex Addiction is in it’s infancy and help for the spouses and partners of Sex Addicts is even more obscure. But, labeling a victim of trauma with a term that implicates participation, endorsement or support of the Sex Addict’s behaviors is not conducive to anyone’s recovery.
Once you label me, you negate me. ~ Soren Kierkegaard
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Preach it sister.
The worst I felt in this whole awful experience was realizing that, in the “literature” I was now going to be defined by my husband’s problem. I knew it was just more horseshit and I said I’ve had enough of that in the problem—I’m not having it in the solution.
It may well be that some partners of sex addicts are co-dependent or even co-addicts, but the “global” approach to what that number might be is wrong. I spent the first four months of my therapy trying to find my co-dependency. Finally my therapist said “give it up–you aren’t. You just loved and trusted someone the way spouses are supposed to. You didn’t know. You just didn’t know.” And that was the truth of my situation.
I support my husband’s therapeutic journey that includes SA, because it is working for him so far. But early on I nixed any notion that I was going to wallow around in his addictive recovery program.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t discover my own garbage to deal with. I did. And I am working diligently on MY story.
So, why is it that COSA recovery has to interpret EVERYONE”S life according to addiction. That makes the addict and the addiction the reference for everything.
I do believe in a higher power. But for me, that’s not a co-dependent relationship either. It’s about partnership and responsibility, freedom and respect, creativity and community, trust and renewal, commitment and–yes, forgiveness.
But what’s the point of trying to rustle up some good old guilt to satisfy an ORGANIZATION? I’m not an idiot or a baby. My spiritual practice is always working through the mistakes and wounds of living as a human being. And what I call spiritual practice, could well be the common sense of a humanist–who knows? Just don’t call either one of us a co-dependent.
Amen, Amen, Amen.
I’m with you both ladies.
As if the trauma isn’t enough to deal with!
Joann,
Bingo. Total bull shit term. Look, in a marriage, we are ALL “co-dependent”. I have been married for 23 years and have built a life around my husband and family and he around me, and isn’t that as it is supposed to be? A family UNIT. In that sense, aren’t we ALL co-dependent because we depend on the other for certain things? This is normal!!!
This doesn’t mean that we don’t or shouldn’t have some level of autonomy within that union. And it doesn’t mean that some of us don’t have an unhealthy dependence on the other. We might, but it is actually, more unlikely in the case of the partner of a sex addict.
A sex addict, from what I can see generally chooses a particular type of person to be a mate and that would be someone who is nice, loving, generous, giving, trusting–all commendable traits. They choose this type of person, because someone clingy, needy, judgmental and not trusting is going to be difficult to deal with.
My lover and his partner did seem to have a very autonomous relationship, or as he called themselves– “free spirits” (eyes rolling) but when she found out,the truth all of a sudden in addition to having to deal with the immense trauma, she is cast as “part of the problem as a CO-DEPENDENT and CO-ADDICTED.”
Nonsense and totally NOT helpful and actually makes things worse, for the partner, in my opinion! Whoever decided to brand all loving partners with these derogatory terms should be shot a dawn!
Maybe a sex addict who didn’t want to have to take full responsibility for his actions?
I would like to tell you about the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal” (New Horizon Press Sept. 2009) Co-author Barbara Steffens’ research shows that 70% of the women she studied were suffering from PTSD upon finding out their spouse is a sex addict. She does not concur with the co-dependency model you write about. I highly recommend the book based on what I am reading on your site. There is more information at Dr. Steffens site, http://www.steffenscounseling.com. I wish you the best.
I attended my first COSA meeting last week. It was a 2 hour meeting and 20 minutes into the meeting…I wanted to throw up.
I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!!!! My husband is!
My only problem is that I fell in love with a man who is addicted to sex/porn/strippers.
And I was not aware of this…until a few months ago. I had no idea that it has been going on for 5 years.
BUT…it’s NOT MY FAULT!
I will NOT be returning to the COSA meetings.
I share your feelings. We do not need judgment and condemnation–we are not the problem; we need support and direction. COSA just does not fill that need. It’s interesting that COSA and S-Anon have the highest drop out rates of any of the 12 step groups. You would think that they would get the message.
If you would like to hear what I have in mind for spouses and partners of Sex Addicts read my post I Have A Dream
Hi JoAnn
Thank you. I have recently found out that my husband is a sex addict and has been for the last 30 years!
He is now in 12 step recovery. I don’t know what the future holds but i do know that amongst all of my inner turmoil, the one thing that I am sure of is I’m no “Co-Addict” like you all – I happened to fall in love with a sex addict. Here in the UK there is little or no support. JoAnn this site is my life line, just knowing i’m not alone is a great comfort thank you.
Hallelujah! Exactly!
Being labeled co-addict made me feel dirty, I don’t want to be a part of this disease. I guess the one thing co-addicty I did was tell my husband if he cheated again I was leaving and I ended up forgiving him.
A few months later, I found out that he had a whole secret life going on nonstop, and after I caught him the last time and he made all those promises, he never stopped, so now I’m leaving, I took money out of the bank, rented a place and moved my things while he was upstairs on the computer and now he is begging and crying for me to change my mind. I feel so bad because if i take the money it will put him in a bad position with people he owes money to.
I believe he is sincere this time, but I cant take a chance and stay. He is going to have to prove it this time. I haven’t slept or eaten for 2 days, I love him dearly and it is so hard to leave after 10 years. my heart is breaking to be like this
I have just recently discovered that my partner is a Sex Addict. In trying to cope with this very overwhelming discovery, I attended a SAnon meeting this week. I left feeling disgusted, upset, angry, and confused. Why do I need to take responsibility for my husband’s addiction? He LIED to me. I would never have tolerated, or otherwise “looked the other way”, this behavior. I loved and trusted someone, that is what we are SUPPOSED to do to have loving, adult relationships. Our love and trust were abused and violated. I DO NOT indentify as a co-addict, I am not “helpless”, and my husband’s behavior had nothing to do with me. It has to do with the ADDICT, it always does. And, as long as these programs support co-responsibility, the correct amount of ownership for the addiction will be avoided. Unacceptable.
Well said.
I am a confused by some of the comments. After I found out about previous partners sex addiction (he was going to prostitutes and sleeping with several other women) I left immediately. I did start going to SANON and it has helped me a great deal.
No I do not have an issue with sex addiction, but I am UNDOUBTLY a relationship addict and spent all of the time in relationship trying to control him, make him love me, manipulate him, snoop, etc.
Perhaps you guys did not share these controling, manipulative behaviors and if so then I certainly understand why SANON would not resonate, but I certainly felt right at home in those rooms and continue to do so even though the relationship ended over a year ago.
Suzee,
Owning your own truth is exactly the right thing to do. If you know those traits(as you describe them) are yours, and that you have participated in creating and maintaining the non-health of your relationship, then you are probably exactly where you should be in SANON.
Way back in this thread, I made the first post. In my second paragraph I accepted that some people in a relationship with a sex addict may well be co-dependent or co-addicted. But I was objecting to the SA approach that ALL partners were. With such singular focus, the program is not a support/therapeutic option for women like me, and is really damaging. But for those who fit that profile, it is surely a godsend. Taking responsibility for our choices is always the grown-up thing to do.
Keep on with your journey. No one here means to demean what that is for you. Stay strong and focused. Just remember that some of us who were partners of sex addicts don’t fit that profile. It is not a global truth. Congratulations for having the strength to own yours. I hope you find other topics here to help you.
Happened upon this just now.
wow.
http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/04/10/jim-carrey-tiger-woods/?hpt=T2
Jim Carrey, who announced his split from Jenny McCarthy this week on Twitter, has posted several Tweets defending Tiger Woods and criticizing Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren. On Friday, Carrey wrote, “Tiger Woods owes nothing 2 anyone but himself. 2 please his father he gave up his childhood and his freedom in the world. That’s enough!” Then the actor continued: “No wife is blind enough to miss that much infidelity. Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason” and “No woman just stays at home with the kids anymore. Tiger was wrong and Elin was ignoring the obvious.” Carrey also commented on what he considered to be society’s unfair treatment of Woods these past few months: “Whenever we form a consensus about some1 we envy, who’s stumbling, our collective ego LOVES to flex its unified muscle! S’ugly!” Woods is playing today in the third round of the Masters Tournament in Augusta, Ga.
PopWatchers, what do you make of Carrey’s sudden interest in another couple’s struggles? Is Carrey right in saying that Woods has suffered enough punishment? Or should the actor be minding his own business?
I feel sick! I have known about my husbands sex addiction for a few years. I had always offered support and listened to his excuses. He has started going to SA meetings and feels that he’s becoming more’self-aware’ about the reasons behind this addiction. Like the good wife, I decided to start going to S-ANON. What a crock! I am so tired of hearing about how I have to ‘learn to live with a sex addict’. I already am! It is absolutely not my fault or responsibility to coddle this man that lied, cheated and took advantage of my trust. Because HE is in recovery now, I am encouraged to turn a blind eye and be a bigger person. Well, I’m not! I see changes in my husband but I still don’t trust him. He may come out of his recovery with a better understanding of his addiction but I’ve gained something too…self worth! I deserve better and do not intend to live my life with a knot in my gut when he’s late from work or on the computer. I will not go to meetings and wring my hands and feel like a martyr. I will not identify myself with my husbands’ addiction! I wish my husband well but I am leaving him. I refuse to be a victim to the title of co-dependant.
Sandra!!
I really relate to the passion of your decision to stop the cycle of emotional abuse by stepping out of it. It was really an empowering moment for me. At first, I was clumsy making choices that were best for me. I kept trying to look after everyone else including my addict husband! But when I really began to take myself seriously, things began to fall into place. Nothing has ever fallen into place before–but now it did.
Since that first powerful decision, many things have happened. We had to sell our house. My husband embraced his recovery program, began a deep therapeutic journey, finally dealt with his emotionally incestuous mother and his absent father, and began to speak with his adult sons about the patterns that nearly destroyed him and led to us living apart. There is now some hope.
But it is still very hard for me, even with so much that has moved forward with great gains. I still hurt sometimes in a way I never imagined possible. The strength to make the decision doesn’t mean the hurt goes away. I get really angry when I think about 30 years of memories. I just can’t think about them at all. And that is really hard. It’s like I lost a whole junk of my life.
That’s why it is so important for women to access the SA program’s fit with who they really are. Some may well need the co-dependent program. But other women are just going to be hurt further by the program’s need for them to accept a role that doesn’t fit at all. My husband has accepted my position, and after about three months, came to agree with me about the co-dependent spouse assumption. But those first months, I don’t think you can expect your spouse to see that very clearly. But he might get it eventually.
I wish you only good things in these new days of new life for you. And when the hurt catches you off guard again, remember it will pass, and buy some flowers.
D.
You are very welcome to your ignorance about COSA, the 12 steps and the dynamics of relationships where one is an addict. But please have the decency to let people find out for themselves rather than masquerading with false authority on here. For many COSA is a life saver.
If you feel you have never harmed anyone, that would make you a saint. Is that what you are saying? We all have harmed someone in our lives, even if we did so without intention.
And incidentally the powerlessness that step one refers to in COSA, is the powerlessness to change someone else’s sexual compulsion. Please do your homework before preaching.
Jeff
I appreciate your input. Everyone’s opinion has validity here.
Hi Jeff,
The SA program has been a lifesaver for my sex addict husband. He is working it for all he’s worth and I can see some real changes in him, even though it’s too soon for us to try again.
In my posts here I acknowledge this and also that some partners of sex addicts may well be co-dependent and fit well with the program.
But even my husband is uncomfortable with the program’s need to define and interpret all the lives of those partnered with sex addicts by the addiction.
To have my life interpreted by my husband’s addiction, for me, represents a need to control me and to minimize the responsibility of the addict for the devastation to my life–a devastation I suffered because I trusted and believed my husband–which is the nature of marriage covenant in my faith tradition.
I simply didn’t know the capacity for deceit within him. I couldn’t have imagined it of anyone that I loved with my whole being. This does not make me a co-addict. It makes me a faithful wife who was deceived to the core of my being. And Jeff, I’m not going to take responsibility for that deception. I did not help my husbands addiction. I had no idea. This is why my life has shattered to pieces. I had no idea. Everything I thought was true was not true at all. And I’m not taking responsibility for anything but being a loving, faithful, trusting, supportive and loyal wife.
The big question for spouses like me is: why does the sex addict need to require their spouse to take responsibility for any aspect of the addiction? For all the big noise about the meaning of each step—still lurking in the background is the scapegoated spouse who supposedly is an equal part of the addict’s problem, and must shoulder responsibility for it. That’s what it means to be called co-dependent, treated that way and required to take on that identity when it isn’t true.
As I said in an earlier posting on this thread, I maintain a spiritual practice which includes the ritual and gift of repenting, forgiving and walking in newness of life. But I’m not repenting for my husband’s addiction. I’m not repenting for loving him and trusting him and supporting him. I do not need forgiveness because his acting out was so cruel and selfish that he took the goodness of my love and partnership over 30 years and used them as his cover.
There is a disturbing aspect to the 12 step program that, by insisting all spouses of sex addicts are co-dependent, perpetuates the scapegoating of innocent victims of the emotional abuse and devastation perpetrated by the sex addict, and creates a false reality for a marriage totally defined and interpreted by addiction. It is oppressive to the partners of sex addicts who are not co-dependent and continues the abuse under the guise of “recovery”
As long as my spouse is moving forward in recovery I support his journey in 12 step, and as long as we are able to speak openly and frankly about the limitations of this program and where it doesn’t fit us, we have hope.
Again, I think for men, in particular, the question to ask is “why does my recovery depend on me and my spouse believing that she was also responsible for my lies, emotional abuse, sexual infidelity, financial irresponsibility, dangerous sexual acting out, offensive choices, destructive actions, elaborate deceptions, manipulative behaviours etc etc.? Why? Isn’t it time that these men stopped trying to put the blame on the person that truly loved them?
With that in mind, I also have said on this site that my sex addict husband has told me that every person (who has shared his story) at his meetings (including him) has a hideous story of childhood trauma underneath their addiction. There is a place for real compassion that the 12 step program is able to reach and reveal in these men’s lives. He has told me that he is haunted by some of their stories of pain and neglect and abuse of every kind. These are the beginnings and root of this addiction. And I wasn’t there at all when it happened to my husband starting at age 3.
Trying to make me pretend I am a co-dependent only clouds the roots of the addiction which are real and the true place where a spouse can offer compassion and begin to understand the path toward the addiction that has broken their marriage covenant. Hope is born when the real culprit is uncovered, and compassion for that victim flows freely and appropriately.
It is in the best interest’s of the addict and the addict’s spouse to step away from the 12 step program’s need to define every addicts spouse as co-dependent.
Every step towards wholeness is a gift to the addict, the spouse, and the world who needs the gifts of every human being to make this thing called life work. But if we continue to need to blame victims of our behaviours and define them by our addictions, it will be two steps forward and one step back, every time.
I truly hope for lasting recovery, healing gifts, and the courage of honesty for everyone caught in this terrible web called sex addiction. Each and every one of us is worth more than we can ever imagine. That, I know, to be true.
with you all,
D.
What a relief to find others who feel like if your spouse is a sex addict your are automatically categorized as a co-addict NO MATTER WHAT!! After countless meetings of coaddict of a sex addict support groups I just couldn’t get it. None of this makes sense to me yet it is the only explanation offered by these sexperts in diagnosing the illness. They portray this d behavior as if it is a symbiotic relationship that took place because some unknown force drew you together, your coaddicitive tendencies fostered your spouses propensity to “act out” and now you need to recover in order to help heal your spouses problem. Is there no educated voice of reason that could offer up anything but this sick , twisted label that only seems to relieve additional responsibility from the addict. Insinuating that if you refuse to admit your co-addictiveness you are preventing your spouses true recovery and they will act out because you failed to seek recovery.
Yes, I believe this is a legit condition some of the time it is not rational that there is only ONE school of thought for the suffering partner. It is like saying your spouse got cancer and the only way it could have occurred is because of your cooking. No other explanations.
Part one of my interview with Barbara Steffens will be up on this site tomorrow. Barbara has some very helpful insights about the labeling of partners of Sex Addicts as co-dependents and/or co-addicts.
I think her book, and this series of interviews will help clarify the origin of these labels and why they are so destructive to the spouse or partner who is trying to deal with the trauma of Sexual Addiction in their relationship.
To Jeff,
I just want to add that “ignorant” or “false authority” are not a words I would ever use to describe JoAnn when it comes to her immense knowledge and first-hand experience of sexual addictions. She has devoted her life to studying this most destructive disease and has lived its horrors, first hand– straight from the front lines! She has attended COSA meetings as have many of the partners of sex addicts have and found them to not work so well for herself, for the aforementioned reasons stated so well by Diane and Lara and others on this blog.
Of course, partners/spouses DO need support and their own individual therapy and perhaps also need to improve aspects of their own lives and ways of relating, but this is a completely separate issue in the majority of cases; not related to the partner’s acting out. Perhaps, however, a sex addict, will often choose a particular type of partner who is more gullible, nice and easier to manipulate. (at least in his opinion, and again, not in all cases.)
I have chatted with dozens of men (although not really recently) who’ve claimed that their wives cannot meet their sexual needs and therefore find themselves entitled to seek that outside their union… Again, every case is different, however, for the sex addict, NO ONE can meet his needs. His needs are endless and escalating.
What has been suggested before is that the COSA model does not accurately reflect the needs of many partners/spouses in terms of recovery from their own standpoint. In some cases it may, because of an unhealthy attachment from a partner who is truly co-addicted through their own sexual addiction and/or other co-morbid addictions.
There are many complex and over-riding factors and one size doesn’t fit all. I think JoAnn has done a superb job of providing an excellent forum which allows everyone a point of view, even if it is different from her own or some else’s.
xo,
L
Jeff – You should read the first step of COSA and reflect on what it is saying to the partner. I don’t think it is saying what you think it says, but then I could be wrong. You speak with such great authority and sound like a person who is exactly right all of the time.
Hi everyone, Just a thought here. Most of you say that you married or got into the relationship not knowing the husband or partner was a sex addict. Is there anyone out there who’s husband or partner became a sex addict after many years of marriage and the introduction to porn on video tape and then on the internet. We went several years (I think) without any problems when we were young. Then the VHS & the internet was introduced and that was the beginning of the end. Kim
Godwillhelpme
I agree that some people can become a sex addict after the marriage, but even if it happens after, the wife or husband are the last person to know that. Also, if this problem is happening just because there are a lot of new technology, why doesn’t everybody become a sex addict? I realize that with all technology is more easy for everybody to have porno access, but I think that It isn’t the real reason for a person to become a sex addict.
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I normally hate it when people type in all-caps, but you have made my day. I just found your site.
I still will try my first cosa group in a few days, but their “philosophy” has been eating at me. Their descriptions don’t describe me at all! So because I happen to now be loving and supportive of my husband of 8 years as he goes through recovery from sex addiction that makes me sick? Huh? So is the cure of this so-called co-addiction to divorce him?
Anyway, I’ll be back to read all your posts and your book. After reading all the cosa bull, I was inclined to start my own support group and call it “wives of sex addicts.” plain and simple!
Keep up the great work…I look forward to reading more.
I’ve been to two COSA meetings and like many of you I just don’t get it. I don’t share the same behaviors as the other women in in there. Don’t tell me I can’t cause it or cure it but I contribute to it. My only contribution was being too trusting and loving.
Don’t tell me to look at my own character defects becasue my husband had sex with prostitutes. I am certainly not perfect and am working on my own issues with my own counselor but my husbands counselor can’t stop telling me I need the 12 step program. I say it’s horseshit to label ALL spouses that way.
I can see that many of the women in that group really need it and it has helped them tremendously. They feel at home there, I do not. When they read their meeting notes of why they are there and how they feel it just doesn’t apply to me. I feel insulted that so much responsibility is placed on me. My spouse’s counselor said well it takes two, I told her ya, my husband and his prostitute there’s your TWO!
Nah, Amy, you weren’t in bed with him and the other women and you never condoned it. It is HIS problem.
That takes two BS always riles me up, talk about making excuses for a sick person at your expense!
I heard that nonsense from my ex husband’s family and I told them they were full of it, their BOY has problems….and guess what? I am not in the picture at all anymore, there is a new girlfriend, and he is still doing the same stuff!!!! Is it her fault too?
I just sit smugly by and watch his destruction continue…..and just dare someone to throw that tired old line/lie at me again.
Don’t ever take the blame for someone’s abuse of you.
I had NO idea he was engaging in such horrible behaviors. Everyone was totally shocked. He didn’t start until three years into the marriage. There were a couple of signs over a three month period and at that point I was relentless and got to the bottom of everything and kicked him out. There was no enabling behavior on my part, no denial of his actions or looking the other way. I have not tried to control him or his actions. His recovery is on him. I have never blamed myself. I just can’t see how a 12 step program is what I need.
I absolutely need support and some counseling but the COSA group just isn’t for me. When I asked my husband’s counselor why I needed a 12 step program she read me what an alcoholic wrote about why he needed. Yep that all made sense if I were an addict. But I’m not.
I may choose to rebuild a life with him down the road but only because we have a three year old and a 10 month old. Time will tell if he is capable of these grand changes he is claiming. I know he is working hard at recovery and I hope for our childrens’ sake that he does get his mind straight.
I am very fortunate in that his entire family is supportive of my decision whatever it is. They know I played no role in this mess he created. Repeatedly I have been told they will always love me no matter what.
Like I said if I contributed to it, it was because I trusted him and you should be able to trust your spouse. And who do I need to make amends to? I’ve been a good person in life and don’t have enemies. I’m not perfect but I sure don’t need to analyze my role in his addiction nor do I need to feel that I contributed to it.
Hi Amy,
I am so sorry for your pain. I agree that there are some issues for many women with the COSA model, but I think there may also be some misunderstandings, as well.
First of all as SAs have differences, so do their partners and the relationship most likely does have certain deficits as most do, however, we are dealing with at least one person who is not operating in a highly functional way, to say the least.
While a partner may not act as a witting accomplice she may be acting as an unwitting accomplice, just by her very being. My therapist calls my ex-friend’s partner, a “Place Holder”; its like an anchor for the SA and without that anchor, he is going to just sink, like a rock, to the bottom of the sea. It is the relationship with the PH which enables the SA to act out, albeit unwittingly on her part. If he were to lose his PH, he would simply find another and another one if that one doesn’t “work out”. This is the case with Lynn’s unfortunate ex.
This does not make the PH RESPONSIBLE or the cause of a SAs acting out.
As for “taking two”… Yes, of course it “takes two” in any relationship and no one is saying that a partner is perfect and always does the right thing, but there is no way that she contributed or CAUSED her husband to become a sex addict!!!
Now, the SA will often, come up with a myriad of excuses to explain WHY he has no other choice but to act out, whether there is even a grain of truth to them or not. And even IF they are true,(although some are beyond absurd) the SA will not consider any other alternative and will feel that he is justified in his actions. I have heard all of these, at one time or another and some of them over and over:
“she’s has a disease, or she’s sick”
”
“she takes medicine which makes her dry or numb in certain places” (wtf???)
“she’s frigid”
“she doesn’t like sex”
“sex with her is boring”
“she’s just into ‘vanilla sex’”
“she would never ever want to do the things that turn me on.”
“I’m too big for her and sex hurts her”
“I have deep feelings for her, but sex isn’t very good, that’s why I contacted you.”
“I have a very intense sex drive and she does not meet all of my needs”
“she only wants sex once or twice a week”
“sex is just a chore for her and who needs that?”
“she doesn’t support me and I NEED someone (or a thousand someones) to do that”
“I work so hard and all she does is stay at home (!!!) and she’s so tired ALL THE TIME(Yeah… taking care of HIS 3 young CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!) and therefore I am entitled to have a “little something” on the side”
“I NEED the freshness and excitement of something new and there’s nothing wrong with it; besides its not hurting anybody (!) and she doesn’t need to know and furthermore, she’ll never find out”
“after what I’ve been through the last 2 years, I DESERVE to have some fun– geeezzz!”
“I don’t want to change my situation or yours, just looking for a FWB and some hot ‘intimate’ fun under the sheets”
“I’m stressed out and I’m afraid if I don’t have this necessary release, I’ll have a heart attack” (hmmmm…kharma???)
“I’m looking for something ‘drama-free’”
“I need some fun and excitement, how about you?”
“I am protecting her” (GOOD GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
“You think you have me pegged, don’t you??? How dare you be so judgmental!!! I would never do that to you! (of course not, you’re a passive-aggressive pr**k)You couldn’t possibly understand my situation and I don’t have the time or patience to try and explain it to you.”
(eyes rolling)
“I love my wife, of course, she’s gorgeous!!! and pretty soon we are going to start a family–I can’t wait!” (OMG!!!!!!!!!)
“Its like Sex and the City…lol– Tons of women in NY looking for a hot built man to have fun with and not wanting a real relationship.”
“I am CMV negative. Cleanest blood in the population. The Red Cross loves my blood cause they think that its impossible for me to get AIDS or other STDs.”
“Oh, I’m single… confirmed bachelor–lol, I have a bi-coastal business and stay with my bro on CPW, when I’m in town
I could sit here all day and recall the dozens of lame, bizarre, laughable, sad excuses, lines and reasons that men have told ME, a middle-aged woman that they are trying to seduce as to WHY they, a married/attached man, has a right to bed me. In true Lorraine-fashion, I have actually attempted to counsel some of them… (I know–_ I’m nuts, but nice nuts):)
Never once did I hear…
“Yes, my wife/partner wants me to have as much sex outside of our relationship as possible so that she doesn’t have to worry about that part anymore.”
Well, actually, I believe I did hear that line once, but it was from a woman married to a heterosexual man and had 3 children with him and she was a lesbian.
hahahahaha…
(sorry, sometimes one just has no choice but to laugh)
Now, yes, it is possible that the wife/partner because of her own issues is NOT giving her husband all of the attention and affection that would be optimal (and vice versa) and yes, it is possible that he might find himself desiring that feeling and admiration from alternative sources.
Who the hell doesn’t???
Of course we ALL do! Who hasn’t gone through life without a massive crush on someone or fantasizing about their neighbor or their doctor or some stranger that suddenly meets their gaze?
The difference is acting on it.
Show me that perfect couple who never ever does anything to make their partner feel badly.
Does he consider TALKING to his wife about his displeasure???
no.
Does he consider going to counseling with or without his wife?
hell no.
Does he think that it will all just magically work itself out?
I dunno. I don’t think he thinks.
*********
Now, I do believe that some women and I put myself in this camp DO have a tendency towards addiction and the addiction is to their partner/spouse/friend/lover… Whatever the relationship is. This could be for a myriad of reasons, but it is also not any kind of motivating factor on the part of the SA.
If the partner finds themselves doing things they would not normally do— IN ORDER to keep their SA around and involved with them, then YES, that is not healthy or good and it usually backfires eventually.
This is what I’m working on now and probably will be for the rest of my life.
Wow!!! I shor can go on…
Partners need support, (and a lot of it!!!!!!!) but in most cases, I don’t think the entire 12 step approach is necessary or even appropriate, because much does not apply and I think actually impedes healing and recovery in a lot of cases.
Warm Wishes,
L
Hello GodWillHelpMe & Other Victims of COSA,
Yes, I met and dated my husband as a teen… Many,many years before he began to “act out,” and 13 years before his 5 year “Dance” with prostitutes was discovered! Hmmmmm… Sure, I should have known that the high school “Hunk” who could have dated 100 girls instead of going “steady” with me would become a “Sex Addict” using whores, right?? In the COSA 12 steps, possibly I “COMMITTED A WRONG” by not insisting that my guy date others for “variety” in high school? Possibly my “DEFECT OF CHARACTER”(Unbelievable Insult!) was that I was a TRUSTING and LOYAL girlfriend and wife? Now for the HARM… Hmmmm? Well, possibly the imaginary baseball bat in my mind as the fantasy of smashing every window in my husband’s truck unfolded, while the real pain of a knife was shredding my broken heart?
When I expressed upset to my husband’s “expert” therapist about COSA and the label Co-Sex Addict, 12 steps, etc…. She cut me short and insisted I keep going(with no eye contact)!! Eventually, she was also MANIPULATED by my husband and on one occasion smiled at him while I was frustrated and in tears!! SHE was the “Co-Dependent” as she had the absolute nerve to tell me, “Surely you have secrets too,” without holding my husband accountable to “do the work.” She made excuses for him in order to promote any resemblance of progress on his part. I PAID THOUSANDS TO BE TRAUMA IMPACTED AGAIN and AGAIN as my husband’s talent for manipulation was unleashed in therapy… Awful!!
The insane blanket “logic” presented in COSA would send the “clean and healthy” spouses of drug and alcohol addicted individuals to rehab for treatment too! Sex addicts inflict the most horrifying, intimately painful assault upon spouses, and many seem to lack any comprehension of the profoundly painful, endless and ongoing trauma assault they launch!!By the way… What does a “Co-Pilot” do?? Fly the plane too??Nobody, especially a “support group” is going to call me a “Sex-Addict” anything!! PS… Yes, I am a VICTIM, and deeply suffering from the “abuse” and concerns for my health!
Trauma Victim and all,
I applaud you because I agree. When my practicing homosexual husband married me without informing me of his orientation, all so that he could present as hetersexual, am I supposed to take responsibility for that!!!
Just got done reading a book, “Emotional Rape”, by Michael Fox. He states, “Emotional Rape is a violation of the human soul” and the book “is about telling victums that they didn’t do anything morally wrong”. A definition, “Emotional Rape is the use of someone’s higher emotions without that person’s concent”. A very good resource and does not suggest co-dependency behavior from the victim.
Looking forward to Barbara Steffens book.
Originally I wanted to find a group to connect to, but there is not one locally. Even though this experience has been very isolating, I would rather deal with it alone than in a group that feels I would have ever participated in this if I knew.
It has been especially isolating because of the homosexuality. I find women can relate to hetersexual betrayal quicker than the added deceit of homosexual activity and the fact that it was not disclosed! In actuality – it all hurts, doesn’t it.
I don’t think all homosexuals are going to hell, but when you marry a straight person with outdisclosure and then expect them to live up to a assignment they know nothing about (the presenting as hetersexual), – they should go to hell.
PS The comments on this website that seem to help me feel sane, is when you can tell the person is pissed off when they are writing and they cut through the bullshit. It is so inspiring to hear someone tell the truth!!!
It’s getting better.
Just want to thank you all for having the strength to stand up to the psychological bullying that comes at us as a “recovery program”. Particularly since it comes at us right after we’ve been devastated and broken apart by our life partner’s betrayal.
I’m sure we all have stuff to deal with–I know I do and I’m working on it diligently with my own therapist—but it is an outrage to have my life interpreted by my husband’s addiction, and to then ask me to surrender to that interpretation as the ultimate statement of who I am.
Remember those “rules” we were all taught on the Oprah show about our personal safety?
The first was to trust your gut—that inkling of danger—that spidey sense that’s something not quite right.
The second was don’t let yourself be taken to a “second location”.
As far as the co-dependent/co-addict thing goes—if your gut is saying “wait a minute”, then trust it. And don’t let yourself be taken to a “Second location” —ie don’t let your abuser have another crack at you–through his therapist or his program.
I support my partner going to his program as it has really helped him to get past the acting out to the real abuse in his own story. But I don’t play along with the crap. I refute the assertions when they are incorrect. I challenge the theory and the practice where necessary. I name the injustice and patronizing approach to the integrity of my own life. And if he wants me, then our future will be built without the need to blame me for his shit.
How terrifying it must be to these SA’s and their “program bodies” to see their targets step out of range. Very big change in the distribution of power in the relationship. Very big.
Hang in there. Trust your gut. Don’t go to a second location.
Diane. xoxo.