As partners or spouses of Sex Addicts we usually connect the term ‘denial’ with the Sex Addict. They deny what they have done, they deny that they have a problem, they deny everything.

But, we tend to overlook that fact that we also engage in denial when we are in a relationship with a Sex Addict.

Denial allows us an illusion of normalcy. Denial numbs us to those painful stabs of reality that are right under our noses. We want to believe that everything is okay. We want to believe that the person we love is worthy of our trust.

Denial is a natural response to any type of crisis; it’s our blanket of security that soothes us as we muster the strength to face a crisis. Now, add in the manipulation, bullying, deception, and charm of our Sex Addict partner and we soon begin to doubt ourselves. We suspend reality for the illusion. And the illusion is all powerful. But it is also deadly to the relationship!

How often have you told yourself these phrases?

    At least he doesn’t beat me.
    Every guy looks at porn.
    Those were just business calls.
    He just has a night out with the boys.
    He just has a high sex drive.
    She’s just a friend.
    He’s just not good with money, he can’t remember where he spent it.
    All marriages become this dull.
    We have just become comfortable, he doesn’t need sex as much any more.
    He needs to spend so much time at work to grow his business.
    He didn’t do anything, she tried to seduce him.
    He’s just in chat rooms to socialize.
    Those e-mails weren’t from a real woman, they are just spam.

Denial is denying our own intuition, ignoring our gut feelings. It is blatantly overlooking what is right in front of us. As we begin to doubt ourselves the rationalizations of the Sex Addict actually start to make sense to us. And–we join in to their fantasy world. We are a happy family and all is well.

But, in fact, all is not well. Things are spiraling out of control faster than a Kansas tornado. And only you can put a stop to it.

It’s usually the spouse or partner who finally puts a stop to all the nonsense. Enough is enough! The illusion can’t block out the reality any longer and we realize that it’s time to change the script and face reality.

It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept. ~ Bill Watterson

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