Are You Living In Denial?

As partners or spouses of Sex Addicts we usually connect the term ‘denial’ with the Sex Addict. They deny what they have done, they deny that they have a problem, they deny everything.

But, we tend to overlook that fact that we also engage in denial when we are in a relationship with a Sex Addict.

Denial allows us an illusion of normalcy. Denial numbs us to those painful stabs of reality that are right under our noses. We want to believe that everything is okay. We want to believe that the person we love is worthy of our trust.

Denial is a natural response to any type of crisis; it’s our blanket of security that soothes us as we muster the strength to face a crisis. Now, add in the manipulation, bullying, deception, and charm of our Sex Addict partner and we soon begin to doubt ourselves. We suspend reality for the illusion. And the illusion is all powerful. But it is also deadly to the relationship!

How often have you told yourself these phrases?

    At least he doesn’t beat me.
    Every guy looks at porn.
    Those were just business calls.
    He just has a night out with the boys.
    He just has a high sex drive.
    She’s just a friend.
    He’s just not good with money, he can’t remember where he spent it.
    All marriages become this dull.
    We have just become comfortable, he doesn’t need sex as much any more.
    He needs to spend so much time at work to grow his business.
    He didn’t do anything, she tried to seduce him.
    He’s just in chat rooms to socialize.
    Those e-mails weren’t from a real woman, they are just spam.

Denial is denying our own intuition, ignoring our gut feelings. It is blatantly overlooking what is right in front of us. As we begin to doubt ourselves the rationalizations of the Sex Addict actually start to make sense to us. And–we join in to their fantasy world. We are a happy family and all is well.

But, in fact, all is not well. Things are spiraling out of control faster than a Kansas tornado. And only you can put a stop to it.

It’s usually the spouse or partner who finally puts a stop to all the nonsense. Enough is enough! The illusion can’t block out the reality any longer and we realize that it’s time to change the script and face reality.

It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept. ~ Bill Watterson

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Responses

  1. Hey Anderson…F#*K OFF!!! I think I have enough problems with the husband I already have! Why would I want some one elses REJECT husband?!!Thanks, but no thanks. Already have one F*#K TARD to deal with, why would I be looking for another? I am pretty confident in my social skills, and am fairly certain that I can manage finding some one if that is what

  2. ooops…I am pretty confident in my social skills, and am fairly certain that I can manage finding some one if that is what I chose to do. I think YOU should open YOUR eyes. Think you need a new hobby, Andy!

  3. Hi BAMBI, sorry about that comment, I have removed it. Sometimes shit like that gets through my spam filter. Those are just general comments generated to sound authentic in order to pass through the filters. Their only object is to get you to go to a website–they get paid every time someone clicks the link. Don’t take it personally.

    Great response though, too bad it was wasted on a computer generated piece of junk.

  4. (ok, hopefully, third times a charm)

    Almost 35 years of shared history and family, a thirty year marriage….and this is what it all comes down to?

    Two and a half years of trickle truth, separate bedrooms, therapy, revealed childhood molestation, continued deception with alcohol abuse…….devastating pain and loss……and on and on……..and on.

    Last night, he left his phone in my room and I decided to do some verifying.

    Finding Google searches of pornographic literature for his particular obsession was bad enough….(but wait now! What exactly has he said? Free of pornography or free of visuals? I can’t remember exactly! Does it matter? Is this crazy making? YES!)

    But the real kick in the gut was a text message a female sent him. Nothing was obviously sexual. But she was thanking him for taking her to a college football game and said she really enjoyed herself. He replied…”….his pleasure” and thanked her for her comments and said “we’ll do it again” The problem is I was under the impression he went to the game by himself.

    So I sit here immobile, reading their brief words. He took a woman to a football game at our Alma mater?? No need to tell me? Really?

    In spite of all the hard earned words I’ve read and soaked up while lurking here and the terrible odds against us all, I had hope too and thought my H could be the exception. After all, he’s going to therapy! We have such a long history! He says he wants to change! He says he hates who he was! He says I’m special! He says he’s tired of lying!

    Why is it so hard to see what is staring me right in the face??
    How can it be anything other than what it apparently is?… simply more deception.
    Why do any of us keep looking for a different explanation?

    OH, and I almost forgot….It’s New Years Eve….(somehow the world does keep spinning) lol
    Happy New Years to everyone

  5. Bless your heart, Robin — please do not beat yourself up for having HOPE. I feel like I might as well be dead IF I could not have hope. I’m so sorry for “what’s staring [you] right in the face.” Remember to breathe — and do whatever you need to take care of YOURSELF!
    Your words could almost be my words (except for the alcohol abuse) … . Except, I just don’t have time/inclination to do much checking on my H’s internet & cell phone usage. It’s not denial, but rather I can’t keep up with the addict’s “mind games.”

  6. Robin ((Hugs)) So sorry you have to go through the let down again. I think we all have hope that our SA’s are different and they love us enough to stop but at some point we have to face reality and chose how we want to live the rest of our life. Without this man or with this man who is also a SA and a liar.

  7. Thank you both for your warm words. Y’all offered me more compassion than my H did.

    You know, I actally never checked my husband’s phone before. But there it was last night, left in my room like a gift…..some gift. He was looking everywhere for it. After he went to bed, I put it by his billfold but left the text message up so it would pop up when he opened his phone. I thought I was making it clear that I saw it. So, he came home tonight and said nothing about it, nothing about his phone at all. So I brought it up! Well, he had a plausible explanation…..it was a male client from Canada….told me his name….Laurie XYZ, etc. not a woman after all. But here lies the problem when living with an addict and known liar…it’s hard to know when to believe them. And if he was telling the truth, than where was any compassion towards me? Is it too much to ask for a simple phone call during the day to set me straight, ease my mind?

    The “erotic” literature is a whole other story and couldn’t be explained away….just those ever bending addict boundaries. I’m so tired and forget about ever feeling safe.

    There is so much strength and inspiration on this site. I’m going to try and harness some of it to drag myself forward. Realistically, it’s going to take some time for me to get my ducks in a row. So, he’ll have time to change. The question may be if he does change, will there be anything left of this relationship worth saving?

    Like all of you, I never envisioned this for my life. It’s been so very, very hard to accept.
    Again, thanks for being here when I needed you!

  8. Robin,
    That is something I also had to face- that I really couldn’t believe anything he was telling me. I can not trust this man. He can look me right in the eye and lie all day long. This site has truely saved my sanity and set me on the right path to freedom.

  9. I feel your pain Robin, i would still have to question the whole Laurie thing. You said he led you to believe he was going to the game alone.. if Laurie was a guy why wouldn’t he have mentioned him to you. And the text message after the game to thank him for a good time, i don’t know, I could be wrong but that doesn’t sound like something normal a guy would do to another guy? It would be normal for a woman to exchange those kinds of text, but a guy?

    I don’t know.. I know not everything in life always makes sense nor is logical and because things don’t add up doesn’t mean they aren’t true, but in my experience with my SA, when things don’t makes sense or add up or I discover ommissions he just “forgot about” or didn’t think it was necessary to tell me about, he IS lying. But again, that’s just my experience. I believe nothing my SA says, ever.

  10. Yes, sadly I know all too well the shock and awe of realizing my H can and does lie straight to my face.
    I was hoping some of our Canadian sisters would come along and set the record straight on Laurie being a man’s name!

    Anyways, my H is in a global, emergency response profession. They do routinely entertain visiting foreign clients and coworkers. This football game was back in September and it is possible that was a weekend I had totally distanced myself from him and we weren’t really speaking. I don’t remember that far back. So, his explanation could be truthful. I’m paying attention to my gut and at this point not really not believing him…..but not really believing him either. Ha! Make sense? What a crazy way to live.

    Thank you all for the words of caution. I needed to hear your perspectives. That’s why I finally quit lurking and posted this. With all I’ve been through, it is still sometimes hard to face the reality right in front of me. I’m making progress, but I still struggle with acceptance.

    Anyways, just for kicks, say he is telling the truth. I still have a big problem. I think it’s Diane who has recently said it’s not about them being sober. It’s about the disorder(s) or the dysfunctional thinking underlying the acting out behaviors. Bingo! It’s the emotional immaturity, the compulsive lying, the lack of empathy, the sense of entitlement, the conflict avoidance….blah,blah,blah…..the list goes on and on….

    But wait! I just remembered! He’s not sober anyways. There’s the alcohol. And porno literature on his phone? Of his obsession?
    Dang! I’m caught in the trap again. I just go round and round.

    It’s exhausting…..living with a man-child.
    I want to get to that place where I focus and stay focused on my life. (my New Year’s resolution)

    Thank you, thank you for sharing all your thoughts!