K.M.’s Story: A Shy, Gentle Woman Married To A Sexually Addicted Pedophile

Hello. It has been a blessing to find this website. I have been researching on healing for partners or spouses of sex addicts. I have been feeling a need to write something down and share it. I did not know it would be this hard.

I will share my story but it is a little long. In 1995, I moved to the big city of Phoenix to start college from a small town in Arizona. I had decided not to date after having an on-off again relationship in high school. I am a very shy person to this day still.

However, in 1997, my sister’s friend brought over her brothers to an apartment we were sharing. Although I didn’t really talk to him at the time because of my shy nature, I could hardly take my eyes off. I thought he was very attractive and he had this great sense of humor.

I was 20 years old at the time and he was 25. He admitted having been in jail but for tickets at this time. He had divorced a year prior and had two boys age 4 and 6. He was brokenhearted didn’t really get to see them. He said she cheated. She is in a relationship with his brother still. I never bothered to get her story.

He called after a day. We were on the phone into wee hours. Another day he showed up alone in person. We decided to date and there was a lot of making out. Within the first week, we made love. I had never experienced such intensity and pleasure and new things. It was great for awhile like this. He seemed ok as long as we were together and any need could be met. He was attentive and seemed happy.

Then I started to work. I also had look into birth control because he would not use protection. I started to gain weight and he became more distant and manipulative during the time I would work. He and his brother both
smoked pot and drank and he would lie to go to parties etc. He would keep my car while working. He grew up poor. I had some settlement coming in installments from breaking my leg early on. When we had money, all seemed fine. When we didn’t things got worse. The ironic thing was I always had prided myself as a good Christian girl and here I was with some bad boy type.

We met in June and by Nov. 97, a first investigation came up. Apparently, a man had flashed a preteen girl in a matching description of my car. He denied it was him and so on. He lost his first job of many while we were together and married. He got a lawyer and eventually he told him to take a plea bargain of probation. He was charged with indecent exposure to a minor.

This thing dragged on for about year before he was sentenced to that and group counseling. In the meantime, I thought we were going back to normal. I got pregnant with our first son due in Dec. 99. I stopped birth control cause of the weight gain.

He was instructed to stay in shelter because not allowed to be in any place around minors. He had to attend group meetings and they asked me to attend a class on sex offenders. I did but didn’t really take in all they
said. He was not supposed to attend our son birth on Xmas Eve. But, he did. In the meantime, he had violated his prob already by sneaking out of the shelter at 2 am . Yes, stupid me was picking him up and we were continuing to make love etc. Prior to the baby. Shortly after the baby, our son, the p.o. let him know he was in trouble for violating.

When our son was four months, he was off to prison. Lucky for him , a very low profile one. He still had me convinced he loved me. I played the doting wife although we weren’t yet married at the time. He would write all the time and call all the time for this year. He said he found God and became saved. I believed him because I already knew God. I thought my wonderful God had finally healed him. I visited him a couple of times that year and went to pick him up alone the day he got out.

Some of the risky things I did which were out of character were one is during a visit he stuck out the tip of his penis and he asked me to put my mouth on it. I did it quickly not realizing part of his addiction.

My in laws watched my son when I went to get him for release day. Immediately after being let out, we went to a motel and had intense sex. He loved me more than ever he said and now he was a new and saved man. That day I conceived our second child born in 2001 which was a girl. He had not many restriction since he had served time and was no longer on probation. He went to church regularly and seemed content.

Then one night he was gone for long time. I questioned when he came home and he finally broke down and told me he was struggling. I can’t recall why we didn’t look for counseling at the time but i think he had
told me it would be ok.

He was a mechanic so he made up good excuses for being gone few hours at a time to work on cars.

In Feb. 2002, we ended up deciding to leave the big city and find small place to raise kids. I had some settlement coming in, so we found a fixer upper in smaller town than I grew up in.

We bought it for just $200 a month payments for five years. Our son and daughter were two and 2 month and we moved. even away from his family whom I thought he would never move far from. He went to work at a lube place and we struggled financially cause it was over 30 miles to get to work from where we lived and cost of gas and diaper etc. I was not working but studying to become a teacher. During this time, at the new town there was only one church. We started attending it a little bit but they were in between getting a new pastor,

My father lived about an hour away and owned a shop for auto work and parts. He saw us struggling and offered to have my husband come work for him and told us too look for a rental. for about a month, he drove back and forth. I never knew if he really was just driving or anything else went on. He still acted normal and all seemed to be going well. We discussed and finally decided to get married but in a church we started attending in the town where my dad was.

We had premarital counseling for six weeks first. It was a small intimate wedding. We both got baptized later again. He did that about three or four different times. Later throughout the year he kept having accusation come up in church and my dad’s work, like an inappropriate letter to a teen and inappropriate sexual things
with a teen daughter of someone else my dad employed.

One of the biggest things was though him wanting to get a second job saying to get more money for us. He went to KFC and then I was told he kept telling a teen girl, I mean asking, if she wanted to see his penis. She quit rather than calling police.

I didn’t believe it when I heard that either. During the course of this time, the pastor called us in. He wanted to offer to work one on one with some counseling with him but at the same time I was kind of reminded to be a faithful serving wife for him. That made me feel like I was lacking somehow.

This same time my dad shop had sold. He had been trying to sell it for a few years. We moved back to the small town we came here from to our house. He had to look for a new job again. Before we moved back, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. He always wanted boys so I had hope it was a boy. It was another girl.

Over the summer he had a hard time finding a job. This guy he had met whose motor home he worked on at my dad’s shop had moved about 20 min from us, staying in a park with his teen stepdaughters and some other kids of his wheelchair bound wife. I didn’t know it at first, my husband stayed all day and part of late night with this family when I didn’t know it and I got really mad cause he had my son.

When he finally came home he tried to lighten the load by saying well this guy had found him a job at this towing company but it was across the river which happened to be the boundary of another state. Tow truck driving was his new job and it didn’t help us either. We got into huge fight cause I don’t even like the guy who got him this job and knew it was not good for him to be around those teen girls.

This was one of the hardest years (although they all were) of our marriage. He somehow met a single mom who had kids (but came from an abusive relationship) and they began an affair. He would lie at times saying had to be out all night for certain tow calls and would stay with her. His crew knew and nobody would tell. I would go by in morning with kids and they would all cover. He still would be home part of the week madly needing to make love, It was a vicious cycle. Fight, passion etc, he even missed our last child’s birth because he said he had to go to his brother’s graduation cause no one else would.

We took family vacation and he kept taking off to call her on the cell phone. I was trying to nurse baby and take care of two toddlers. I finally checked his cell phone bill and found some numbers. I called one which was of the guy whose motor home he had worked on was his daughters. she informed they had not had communication with him they had moved out of state but that he was having an affair with a girl in this other town!

I confronted him, he denied for hours and then finally came clean. said he defiled our marriage bed , etc, etc . and he never wanted to do it again. I got really sick and then angry and as I screamed at him, he got mad, and guess what he took off to be with her again! I was not a working mom and didn’t want to lose our home. I felt like i had no choice but to try and stay.

We talked on the phone and he agreed to come by next day. He said he really wanted to work it out. In the meantime, I had talked to new pastor our town got. He said he knew about Sex Addiction because he had
a brother who was one.

I thought with that maybe more could be done but the pastor just talked to him and let him know he was aware.
Then I made the biggest mistake if not more of my life. I didn’t tell my friend he had this problem. My son was about four and the little grand daughter who was being raised by her great grandma in our church adored
my little boy. She liked to come over and I never told grandma that I had to be home. I didn’t think there was concern.

Then one day, I had left the kids some McDonalds and had gone to store (it takes 30 minutes from there to get anywhere).
When I got back, no one said anything and she had been picked up. Later that night, a sheriff came to visit.

She had told her grandma that he had gotten a tattoo out of the McDonalds box and had her sit on the couch and tried to get her to touch his penis. It was exposed. my kids were supposedly off watching t.v. The cops questioned him. then asked to speak to my kids. I gave permission for them to speak to my kids.

They didn’t feel there was anything of evidence they could arrest him on. I questioned him and questioned him.
He had a way of dismissing things away or manipulating them. My family never knew of this accusation.
Yet because of it my dad pleaded him to get counseling and so on. He still didn’t. This was a big rift between me and a friend from church and I understand.

He had left the towing job after coming clean on affair cause we both agreed he needed to. He ended it on
the phone in front of me with her.

Then he went to work for DHL as a delivery van driver. Once again in the summer an accusation came
up about a worker exposing himself to a teen girl after coming into a residence. Another investigator came and asked me if he had a goatie that morning etc. I honestly could not remember,

I did not realize how much time it was taking up caring for all three kids and continue to get a college education.
Finally, I told them he usually does wear a goatie. He was arrested and then slapped on the hand cause the
girl was old enough for it to be a misdemeanor. Public defender warned him again to get counseling.

He had unsupervised probation as long as he stayed out of trouble for a year. I was still in my marriage because
I was a Christian and thought that’s what God wants me to do.

Fast forward a little . He lost the driving job automatically and landed a job as a mechanic again. A good paying job too. This was my final year of my college and I had to student teach sixteen weeks. Funny in the beginning he didn’t want me going to school and by the end he said hurry up and finish. Oh, during the above, we refinanced our home and lost it in foreclosure as it was an unfixed interest rate.

We had a new pastor at our church. There was this girl who had bipolar and lot of other issues. All of a sudden, she dressed better and began wearing makeup. I was unaware of what kind of incident it was till the end of my marriage. She was a single mom. Anyway, the pastor and deacons of our church had meeting but I was never invited or let known what went on with my husband.

Ok. Our old pastor had moved and now there was a new one. My husband even worked on a semester long outreach program with him and he did know about his past. My husband even ran against his best friend for deacon. I told the pastor I didn’t agree to him running. So it gets to Mother’s Day and my husband is the sound guy in the booth way on top. I told him want to run to my hometown about an hour away to see mom. I said I would be back after because I was going to son’s friends birthday.

No one says anything when I return. About a day later, another sheriff is at my door. Asks where hubby is. I said he’s at work. Told him when he would be home. It comes up, supposedly he had written a note with some inappropriate expression to this girl who was about 13 from our church. He was arrested for one night and let go because they never found they note and he would not admit to it.

I hesitated to pick him up at the jail because while he was in there I was told about an incident that happened months before. He had told this woman he had sexual dream about her.

Meanwhile when he was released our pastor had asked us to come in to talk to him and another deacon. We did and at this time, they said me and the kids were welcome to stay at the church, but my husband would not be allowed ever again. Our pastor and another pastor few miles away, who was my husbands good friends pastor had agreed let him attend there on the condition that he go to counseling every week, and attend their addict group at church every week, and not be involved in any ministry at least a year.

He said ok. My husband went to only two weeks of counseling before quitting. Then we were asked to meet together with my old pastor and new pastor at our old church. We all thought it was just to set up some stuff with the pastor whose church we would be going to.

And this was the ‘wham bam’ of our marriage. Our old pastor said, ‘Since the the time I spoke to you guys
something new came up.’

About two months earlier, my husband wanted to go on camping trip with another friend of ours with a family.
I said no, no money, or some other thing. He got mad, took kids anyway, wouldn’t answer his phone.
Apparently, the two preteen girls or at least one for sure said she saw him masturbating. but her step dad
didn’t believe her at first till he heard more about this.

The new pastor we were going to be going to also didn’t know about this. It flabbergasted us all.
We weren’t home and my husband kept saying crazy things like lets move out of state. I kept trying to rationalize why we couldn’t. He even made the comment once, “I’m not going back to jail.” And with his very next check that week he lied to me.

He left me and the kid, behind on rent, and me no job with only 100 dollars and while I was baby sitting at a friend’s house. He rented a small U haul trailer and took off from AZto CO. At first, he kept calling me to bring the kids that he still loved me, took his wedding ring even. As we talked I kept reminding him he had a problem.

The first thing he did was find a girlfriend in CO. I know because my friends that used to live where we
lived had family and went through that place to get there. He saw him all upon her in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. I felt like an idiot so I started pursuing divorce even though i really still wanted him or thought I did.

That was 2 years ago and over the last couple years ago he got into more trouble. He said he was laid off in CO but I don’t know. He moved to Flagstaff where he again got into trouble but escaped it. For a while he went to live with family, his brother in Phoenix, after losing the job in Flagstaff. However, one detective had dropped the case. Another picked it up and pursued him. He had to go to court for it. This year, maybe it all caught up to him. He went in March and got released in June. He has intense probation for three years, no contact with minors, mandatory counseling etc. He is working again but half of what he is used to making. I am slowly stepping back. I wanted to still talk to him, still need him, still wanted to see him, for a long time. But church and my christian family and friends are helping me grow.

I have full custody of the kids and working as a teacher aide now. Hope to get full time teaching position next year. I am not used to footing all the financial support and that is something new.

I loved my husband a lot but have lost respect for him. Every day I have to remind myself it really isn’t me. He had this problem before I met him and even after our divorce was final.

I know I left out a couple of accusations but this story is long. It is devastating what a sex addict
does to their family and I am just praying he will get to the point of healing and having some empathy.
I felt weak for the first year quite bit but am growing in strength. He is far away now and I know
God intended it that way for him to get some healing. I still talk to him occasionally on the phone
but can recognize more of his deception and manipulation.

All we can do on the other end is help support and pray for one another. It hurt me a lot when a pastor thought to label me a SA co addict. I feel more like one who experienced post traumatic stress.

I needed to share this story cause its the first time I ever shared all of it.

K.M.

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Responses

  1. Dear K.M.

    Wow. It is amazing what you have been through. Your story has a happy ending. Siberia could not be far enough away for this guy. All I can think of is that quote “He gives beauty for ashes, joy from our mourning.” You have been raised from the ashes K.M. to start a new life for you and your children. It is amazing that he is not be behind bars- how they get away with things! Destroying their wives, children and innocent girls. My SA too — wretched beast that he is could probably get away with murder if he wanted too he is so clever and manipulative. And where ever he is living, I hope he is on a sex offenders list and authorities are aware. With all due respect, I think it is our jobs as partners and even x-partners of SA’s to let authorities and the important people in our life know of “their problem.” I have informed my sister in law to never let her girls be around my SA alone. Ever. I can never have sleep overs at my house. (We are splitting but I am temporarily living in guest bedroom & mother in law’s home until I can get place of my own.)If you know where he is living, of if he is “attending church somewhere” to find his next prey, they should know his history. You have shown tremendous strength in starting a new life. I am so sorry for your ordeal. So painful, the shock and disbelief that someone we love, is so so sick. I wish you well on your journey to healing, new life and discovery of new blessings. Much love.

  2. KM,

    What an unbelievably horrific story and a warm welcome to this site. Your ex husband is a very sick man, of course. It is definitely NOT you and I don’t know how that pastor thinks its going to help to label you a “co-addict” as if you are part of ***HIS*** problem. grrrrrrr… And also that hiding behind the “church” and “God” makes me wanna puke. It actually makes his crimes all the more reprehensible.

    The fact that you had the immense courage to leave him, shows just how strong and courageous you really are. You’re not a co-addict; you just had the misfortune to fall in love with someone very sick.

    You said:

    “He is far away now and I know
    God intended it that way for him to get some healing.”

    Sweetie, you do know that this is fantasy, right? If it provides comfort and hope, sure—I can understand that, because this situation is so horrible, but if it was me, I would focus ENTIRELY on my self and my three precious babies—AND MOVE ON— and STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS POSSIBLE. (sorry, didn’t mean to shout)

    He is NOT over there recovering. He is STILL in active and ever-escalating addiction and sooner or later, the law WILL catch up to him. (they never should’ve let him out in the first place!!!)

    I’m so sorry that this very sick man came into your life when you were so young and vulnerable. They do know how to work a very special kind of “magic.” But honey, it is not real; it is sick and evil. As painful and awful as this must be for you, why would you “need” someone so sick in your life who has the power to destroy not only your life, but also the lives of your children? Please, please just keep yourselves safe, at all costs. The chances of his recovery are nil.

    All my best,

    Lorraine

  3. Hi KM – Thank you for sharing your very sad and tragic story. I commend you for having the strength to get away from him. And, don’t let anyone call you
    co-dependent! You were very young and vulnerable when you met him, and just wanted to believe and love your’e husband. These guys are “A Master of the Game” when when it comes to manipulation,and I am glad you are picking up on the fact he is still at it- He always will be-This guy is very sick and even if he were motivated for change, the chance for recovery is pretty much a big 0! So, keep your distance and never look back!! I would cut all contact with him.
    I am glad you have support, and we are happy to have you with us on this site for friendship and support.

  4. Hi KM,
    I am so very sorry for your pain and struggle. I hope you continue to find healing here, visit everyday! It will help you become stronger and help you *KNOW* that the problem is not you! Stay strong and walk away from that man. I am sorry to say that but I have learned the hard way not to hope or count on someone getting better.
    As for your pain in being labeled a co-addict, I have to agree with how you feel. Does anyone else get frustrated with this label?? Just the other night I finally purchased the book “Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction” and I too was offended and hurt by the unhealthy picture that was painted of a spouse of a sex addict. I feel that in no way do I fit the unhealthy profile that is painted there. I had an incredible childhood that was, while not perfect by any means, certainly healthy. It is hard to read that stuff after having just wrapped my head around the fact that “this isn’t my problem, and nothing is wrong with me”. The label co-dependent or co-addict indicate that there is indeed something wrong. I disagree. We are strong, healthy, beautiful women whose sick husbands did a number on our hearts, minds and souls! In time we WILL regain our strength and we can be happy. Please remember that!!

  5. Dear K.M.
    Wow, you are an incredible woman–especially because you still have some faith after a fairly disturbing treatment of your story and your pain by a strange assortment of church and ministers. Way to go.

    Also, because you are working your way into a place where you and your children will not be so vulnerable to this lost soul SA husband. And you need to step away from him, for sure.
    Keep you eyes on the right priority—not your relationship with him—but the young lives entrusted to your care because you are only one who can be trusted with them, and your own life too. Look after these precious ones.

    Congratulations on becoming a teacher aide. First big step. Well done. I’ll bet you enjoy making a positive difference in those lives too.

    You are still young and life can be full of good things, good people, and good opportunities. Let yourself have that life. As Julian of Norwich said “all will be well. and all will be well, All manner of thing will be well.”

    love,
    D.

  6. K.M.,
    Please do not get back with this man ever. You have three daughters, I do as well, and you have to protect them. He has already violated the boundary with other young girls or teenagers, and I would not be too sure that he would not attempt this with your own when they come of age.

    Protect them, they need you to. Its a tough world, one would think this never happen to them or their kids. But it does.

    You are doing well for yourself, finish that teaching degree and never look back. Enjoy your life and your kids, save them from potential harm.

    Sorry you have found us on these terms, but glad you found us just the same. Look out for you and your kids, that is what is most important, not a relationship with an SA.

    Hugs.

  7. KM,
    I met my SA when I was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs. When I first found evidence of child porn, he explained it away and I believed him – who really thinks their shy, kind, wonderful partner could be a sex offender? When (many many years later) he finally admitted to “teen porn” he excused it because the girls were “close to 18” or “legal girls who looked young.” Its a hard thing to wrap your head around. Its shameful and confusing. I wanted so badly to believe his reasoning. I ended the relationship shortly after he admitted to child porn (10 and younger) and prostitutes.

    I also acquired an education degree while in a relationship w my SA. What upset me the most was being around these teenagers all day, and knowing that my partner was the kind of predator I needed to protect my students from. It upset me to finally realize he was the kind of person I needed to protect my children and sister from. Knowing your husband is a sexual predator who preys on juvenile children is a special type of pain. Realizing that I lived with such a level of evil makes my soul shake. Finally admitting to myself and those around me that my SA is a pedophile is very hard and very freeing. Thank you for sharing your story.

    -Mae

  8. Mae,

    That would be sooooo hard. I am not seeing the SA that I was in a relationship any more and one thing that keeps me from being tempted to be with him is knowing that SA can be progressive if not solidly in recovery and harming children can be involved. I have taught in the public schools for 30 years and, like you, I look at my students and realize that these sweet faces are the very ones that could be harmed by a SA. Of course I am not meaning that I think that all SA’s engage in this behavior and my hat is always off to those who are working hard at recovery but, when you work with children, you are extra-sensitive to it, I think.