Living with a person with Double addiction…
I recently discovered that my Alcoholic husband is also a Sex Addict. As if dealing with the emotional drama of a recovering Alcoholic was not enough here comes the next big news of his disgusting sex addition! So what is next? Drug addiction? Will these people ever learn a lesson?
So here is my story I am 29 years old and have been married for about 7 years now..About 4 years back due to some job related reasons, me and my husband’s had to stay apart for about 3 months. Apparently he started the habit of daily drinking back then as he had “nothing else” to do and was bored!
Later when we move back together he continued his drinking, in next 2 years it got progressively bad, initially it was only on Fridays, then to Saturday and Sundays. At first he used to just sit at home and get drunk. Later he started going out with his friends to clubs. Again this got progressively bad, coming back home at midnight to coming back in the next day morning. And most of the time when he is out clubbing, his phone is conveniently out of battery.
Then one day he goes out in evening and come back home the next day evening, he came home running and admitted to me that he woke up in some Sleezy place and he had a black out episode! Although he totally denied that he was with any girls!
Luckily (or not) he realized that he had a drinking problem and started going to AA. For next 4 months he went to meetings resentfully. I don’t think he really liked it and was being honest with his sponsor.Coz when we went for holiday he used to have couple of drinks. But still continued to get Sober chips from AA! How honest of him!
Yeah in between, I caught him watching porn and pleasing himself many times, we fought over it he stop it for few weeks and that cycle continued!
Anyway he became soo withdrawn and angry all the time. Always arguing and fighting all the time, I started to think the drinking days were better! I became soo curious and went ahead and read his journal (yeah stupid silly me!)And I came to realize that he is in love with a colleague at work and apparently had sex during his clubbing days couple of times, and a whole sort of how we married young and how he resent being stuck with me and not able to actually do “single and ready to mingle!” days.
So needless to say I was devastated and I cried and cried for days..! He as usual was angry and blamed it all on me telling that I had high moral standard so he couldn’t meet it. He even blamed his sponsor coz he was a single guy and he couldn’t relate with him.. How crazy is that!!
Then he skipped AA meetings for a month and found another sponsor who is married with Kids and all.
So, fast forward 1 year, I started going to Al Anon and finally started having a Normal relationship with him. He seemed to do better as well, was working the steps more truthfully this time. I could see that he was sincere this time. Never had a drop of drink even when we were in beer party!
So last week, I get to know from a friend that she saw my husband roaming around the mall on a working day! I was like…what?? Blur blur blur. So stupid silly me go and read his Journal again, so here come all the breaking news. He had been indulging both online and outside regularly, it is like a ritual, outing on every Monday and online on every Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I confronted him and he confessed that he have been doing this for last few months!!! And he never went all the way and only had a hand job or a blow job!! Now that is the best justification I have heard so far!
And the whole sad story of how he felt so guilty and bad and how humiliated he felt when he was walking to and from the “massage parlors”!!!!!
He confessed to me that he indeed did have a Sex addiction and he cannot do anything about it! Apparently he has been going to all these places during office hours! Lucky of him, his office is just next to all these special service places..!
He even told me that apparently few days back he confessed to his sponsor about his sex addiction and his sponsor who also went through the same and they are doing the 12 steps to together and he is sure this will go off after the steps.
I cried for just couple of days and then I don’t feel any pain or misery..I just feel numb!
The worse thing, he got a mono infection and was soo sick in last November and I had no clue how he got it. In fact the Doc asked him usually it is spread via Saliva and he was like no, no I never had any sexual partners other than my wife and acted out so offended! Now he confided that he got it from one of those massage places and kept going back there.How stupid can he get!
Now he is putting up such a drama, putting a sad face all the time. He locked away his laptop, smart phone passed me all his credit cards and said that he will never repeat it! And that is the man who went and had “fun” day out even the day before!
I gave him enough chances already. All my instincts are telling me to just leave him! He is just 31 and has a long life in front. I am 200% certain that he cannot remain faithful or honest throughout!I am not sure if I should give him one more chance as he is very serious about doing the steps and all! He keeps telling me that his sponsor also went through the same situation and they are one happy family now and we will be there soon as well!
I am dying to hear from you ladies!
Regards
RKK
This man is a sociopath. he’s about as fucked up as they come and no, he does NOT have a long life in front of him and neither will you if you stay with him. just pack your things and go. anywhere is better than this hell hole he’s created for you. you’re very young. please get some good counseling for yourself and please get away from him! he’s poison!
Thank u ladies..As expected no magic happened yet as i was secretly hoping!
Anyways I have decided to take a temp separation and is moving out. I need to get out of the vicious manipulative cycle and get some fresh perspective about how to move forward.
I am attending the POSA meetings and doing therapy..And praying to get the courage to do the things I can:-)
Thank you all once again..Hugs!
Fascinating. Most of the time it’s the sex addicts getting sober that turn to alcohol… not the reverse… yeah, wait… My guess is this sex addiction has been there all along and he only escalated to alcohol then couldn’t control that either.
This man is a basket case. This sex and alcohol thing with him – they’re only symptoms of a really screwed up brain/spirit. He has some serious personal issues that he’s medicating. He’s working “oh so hard” on “fixing” the addictive behaviors when in reality he needs a few years of counseling with a good psychiatrist to get to the root of the issue.
And as for you? Stick with him and you are in for a hell of a ride. It will be years before he is well again – and that’s only if he’s willing to make the effort. Why don’t you try a trial separation for a while. Let him hit bottom and see what he chooses from there. Take the time away to heal yourself too. If in 6 months you see honest improvement reevaluate, but coming from a decade of experience with an addict – I’d prepare to move on. He may not have it in him to dig out all the maggots in his past and deal with them like an adult and not escape into the world of fantasy and numb feelings.
Co-addiction is very common. My SA began acting out sexually once his drug addiction had escalated to the point of me leaving him. Once he recovered from the drug addiction he hadn’t dealt with the sex addiction. He switched and this became his primary addiction. He was wired to be an addict. His father is also an all around addict. From what I understand, sex addiction is usually the last one to be dealt with. It is not addressed at most drug and alcohol rehab.
You are 29… that’s YOUNG! I didn’t discover my husband’s sexual addiction until I was nearly 47, and 24 years married with five children. I knew he was an alcoholic, and I just accepted it. NO MORE.
Sad puppy eyes and promises … mean nothing. It’s easy to put on an act, harder to change the behavior.
When my husband left, it was like a black cloud lifting from the household. Sure I cried and went through the stages of grief but EVERYONE in my home became more functional.
I hope your separation has given you clarity and courage. If you are already sure he won’t remain faithful or honest, don’t waste precious years of your life trying to fix him. Personally, I’m not sure a successful pathological liar can ever change.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. I would love to hear an update.
I’m going through the same thing right now. Husband has been sober from alcohol for 7 years but now is a sex addict. He told me, he’ll always be an addict (and I guess it is what it is).
Don’t walk away…..please run away as fast as you can! You are only 29, and have your whole future ahead of you.
Concurrent addictions are more common than you think. Alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions and risk thresholds. If an addict is medicating his feelings to avoid dealing with pain, low sel-esteem or trauma, it will be easier for him to have other parallel addictions such as gambling or sex addiction.
An addict is in denial and will lie to you to cover up his transgressions. Moreover, he will blame you for his problems. All addictions are progressive diseases in that the addict’s tolerance for alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling etc will increase and he will need more and more of the stimuli to feed his habit.
If your husband does not willingly enter into a residential treatment facility, you will face a lifetime of lies and be traumatized by your husband’s worsening behaviour. I know because I have gone through this myself. I am now 50, and I only divorceed my alcoholic sex addict of a husband last year. I knew my husband was an alcoholic after two years of marriage, and I spent 18 years trying to get my husband to stop drinking by taking him to various therapists and marriage counsellors (to whom he lied to), AA (where he would go for several sessions and then stop), and church (same as AA).
Strangely, I did not know that my husband was a sex addict until Two years ago. My six year old daughter told me that she saw her dad kissing the nanny. I hired a private detective and found put that he had been having an affair with the nanny and also the nanny before her! Moreover, my husband’s job entailed overseas travel on a monthly basis. I found out that he
Continued from the previouos post.
I found out that he was having sex with strangers and prostitutes on his business trips. I kicked him out when I found out about the affairs. Only after I kicked him out I found out that he was HIV positive as well. I, and everyone in my family went and got tested twice to make sure that we were negative. Thank God.
Our family is so much better off without him. I just wish I had acted on my instincts to divorce him earlier. Sadly, I still love him, but I love my children more. My husband was charming, educated, well travelled, cultured and interesting. He was adventurous and introduced me to different cultures and interests that I would not have come across in my own. I believe he still loves me too. However, he is delusional and tried to deny all of the affairs until I showed him the evidence that I had. He was not empathetic to the pain that he was causing to me and the children with his drinking, and his affairs. My daughter will carry the image of her father making out with the nanny for the rest of her life.
It is not a Sophie’s Choice. You must choose yourself over your addicted husband. It is tremendously difficult – especially if you still love your husband. However, you must love yourself more.