R’s Story Of Her Sex Addict Husband’s Sexting, Chat Rooms And Phone Sex

JoAnn…I wanted to say thank you for your page and let you know I have found the website very kind and informative.  I would like to share my story as, even if you don’t read it, I may find it somewhat cathartic writing it out. I am 32 years old, a registered nurse and have been married to my husband, who is 24,  for almost 2 years.  My father is an alcoholic and drug addict. I’d like to say he is recovering but I have accepted that my father’s lies/secrets are as much a part of him as his family and he may use drugs from day to day for all I know.

My parents are still married. My dad was once in AA and my mother in A-Alanon.  I grew up going to meetings with them and took part in Alateen for several years. I have tried to go back to meetings, but I do not feel comfortable–besides I live in a small town in WV and every meeting I go to within a 60 mile radius contains women/men who know my mother and father.

Anyway, I love my husband very much. We have a wonderful time together in life, when we are not fighting.  I knew about his problem, which I now know is truly an addiction, several months after we started dating.  He told me that it would stop as soon as we got married…and here it is, almost our two year anniversary and it’s still the thorn in my heart.

He is an avid sexter, telephone chat room visitor, and phone sex customer.  We no longer have a computer of our own because I smashed it on the concrete patio one fine evening, but before that he frequented chat rooms there as well.  I have good days and bad days.  On the good days I can love myself and realize that this addiction has nothing to do with me, the way I look, the amount of sexual acts between us, or an unhappiness with our marriage.  On my bad days it is just the opposite–I feel really badly about my overweight figure (although my husband has never told me has has any amount of dislike for my body. I am just sure he hates me, has no respect for me and he does these things because he is so unhappy and he just doesn’t care.

After Multiple attempts at quitting on his own, he has recently admitted that he has a problem in which he needs help.  He says that he wants to stop. He is currently in waiting for a therapy appointment at a local clinic and has a psychiatry appointment set up for this month.  In the mean time I am finding it VERY difficult to let things go–to let him do his thing, I should say.  I have a broken leg from a fall in my yard and I am laid up with a cast on my leg–not working for several more weeks.  I am very sick with this addiction myself.  I recently crouched to the hallway outside our bedroom then proceeded to crawl on the floor to his side of the bed to get to his phone.  He had been refusing to let me see it for days and it was literally driving me bonkers!  He woke up with me on the floor beside him looking through the photos of his penis he had sent out to who knows.  He took the phone back and asked me if I wanted my crutches so I could get out of there-haha.  Its like the need to find out what he is doing is MY o wn obsession.  I’m sorry for the long story, but I’m grasping for straws here.

Is is possible to live happily with an active addict?  Is it possible that the therapy may help him?  Can we have a healthy marriage in spite ofe his unhealthy addiction?

Thank you for letting me share this with you. You may share this on your site if you would like to.  I am thinking about subscribing to the forum if you think that may be a good idea for me.

R.

Related Articles

Responses

  1. Oh Honey,

    I’m sorry about your broken leg, and also about your situation. ((((hugs))). We’ve all been there.

    Re: smashed computer. You are a woman after my own heart. lol I didn’t smash the computer as I need it for my business, but I did smash the web cam. 😉 yes, indeed. I thought that was an appropriate consequence for a man whacking off on cam to some desperate skanky bimbo on the other end.

    You ask a lot of very good questions and I want to assure you that EVERYTHING you are feeling and thinking is perfectly NORMAL. It may feel like you are losing your mind, but this is a natural response to trauma as is the need to KNOW, but after a while, all of that looking is only going to dig you deeper and deeper into despair. You are right. His addiction has nothing to do with you. nothing. don’t go there. of course, we all do. That is also natural. but just don’t go there. its all him. He would be a sex addict with any woman he was with and there is absolutely nothing you could’ve done differently to prevent it.

    Re: questions, I will tell you what I feel based on my own experience and observations of many, many women.

    1)The only way to live happily with an active sex addict is to look the other way, and be happy about it. no fretting, no checking up. no making appointments… etc. Or be a sex addict yourself or join his party! If you cannot do this (and its the rare woman who can and I also don’t recommend it), then no, it is not possible. Sex addiction is an escalating disease and honey, he will say that its “just” cyber and phone/online sex and NOT in person, but even if its not right now, (and he probably has met people for live sex), it WILL happen eventually. 100% positive on that one. 🙁

    2)therapy may or may not help him. There is no guarantee. Or it could help the addiction, but he could become a “dry drunk” and be even more impossible to live with. A lot of women say that their SAs were much nicer when they were actively acting out.

    3)no, you cannot have a healthy marriage, in spite of his addiction. And you run a huge risk of acquiring STD’s particularly HPV which is transmittable even with a condom and can contribute to a woman getting cervical cancer or warts.

    The best that you can do for yourself right now, is to find a qualified therapist who’s well-versed in sex addiction and especially with the trauma response that a partner experiences. Do not see his therapist and couples therapy may or may not help, but usually with an active addict, it only further escalates the trauma. its a trap.

    I know that you love this man. We all love or loved our husbands. Many of us have had very, very long marriages and children, some of whom are grown before we find out. Some of us have found out part of the story, a long time ago (I’m one of those), only to find out the REST, much later. Or we find out that our so-called “recovering” husband, was just faking. (verrrrrrrry common). BTW, they fake themselves out too. I have seen many so-called “recovering” addicts who have CONvinced themselves that they are *IN* recovery, but they clearly are not. The acting out, has merely shifted to a different realm and then, eventually, it escalates.

    I hear that your relationship, while loving, is troubled. So, perhaps there needs to be work done on better communication skills, if you were to stay. This is separate from the addiction, but also necessary to work on for a healthy happy marriage.

    Why do they want to stay married to us, if this is the lifestyle they wish to lead? Its the cake thing… Its because they like the stability and “normalcy” of the marriage and they enjoy our company and they also want the “excitement” of the forbidden and the dopamine rush that all of that provides. Its a drug and its next to impossible to give up. Some, like my husband have exceedingly low self-esteem and are looking for “validation”, but its a cup that can never be filled and no one woman can ever fulfill his needs. That sense of esteem and validation must come from within and that goes the same for the partner.

    There is SEX everywhere and sexy images at every turning, so even if they stop looking at porn, it is a pornographic society– lingerie ads, TV, films, books, a woman at the A&P falling out of her top–its everywhere!

    There is no cure, however the recovery rate which means that a SA is not engaging in acting out behaviors (but who knows what’s going on in his pretty head?) is about—

    5%.

    yes, that’s right. 5% who recover which of course, means that 95% do not recover.

    Honey, you are young and he is VERY young. My recommendation to young women with no children is to cut their losses and leave. You will avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache; however, I am not saying that is an easy choice. I will say, though, that the longer you wait and once children come, then it is VERY difficult and very, very painful. I have heard many a woman state that they wish they had left when they first found out.

    So far, I have never heard a woman— long term state that she’s thrilled that she stayed. That is unless she’s in denial. Denial is also a way to make it work. Again, i don’t recommend the denial approach. It has a tendency to catch up with us, and its really naaaaaasty,when it does!

    Others may argue that “recovery” is possible. He does have his youth in his favor, but it also seems that this addiction has already taken a strong hold on him.

    Lots of addicts and partners have had abusive backgrounds.

    Its very, very common. Also is having a child, with a neurological disability such as AD/HD or autism, etc…

    Please keep reading and writing and absolutely, join the forum. We would love to have you! Its a great group of women and we always welcome all partners with warm, open arms.

    You are not alone. please remember that.

    (((hugs))) and strength,

    Lexie

  2. Lexie covered everything quite well-I couldn’t have said it any better. She knows what she is talking about, as most of us do on here. We have all been through it and know our odds of making it work with an SA.-Almost Nil.
    I’m so sorry you are going through all of this trauma. I would agree with Lexie-You are young. Cut your losses and run as fast as you can!!

  3. I cannot just leave my husband. I understand that you both are advising this from years of experience, but I am not there yet. And although the bible states that divorce is allowable when adultary is present, I cannot bring myself to leave this man that I married under God’s loving graces. I have to keep praying right now and I am trying to just let him be–no spying, no digging. He comes to me after his mistakes and admits them–I know he is suffering greatly from guilt and I feel terrible about this. My husband was traumatized. He was sexually abused by several nurses when whe was 19 during a stay for a traumatic leg injury. He is obsessed with the size of his penis–he thinks its too small, because of comments made during his hospitalization. I thank you for your advice, but I have to say I am unwilling to do that right now. I made a choice to marry this man when I knew what his issues were, I have to believe that my life will work out one way or another. And, at this time we are not looking to have children. We got preganant and I had a miscarriage. After that we both decided we were not ready or willing to think about children right now. I just love him so much and I can’t see leaving him–I feel strongly that I must try to support him through this. More comments welcome please 🙂

  4. Sorry if we are being so negative. You have to do what is right for you, and whatever your decision might be we will support you all the way.
    It takes a lot of endurance to walk the walk with an SA. I gauge it by if the pain is outweighing the pleasure in the relationship, then we should not sacrifice any of ourselves to stay. That would be so unhealthy- I know, because I am stuck on that decision right now. Either way, if we decide to go or stay, it is a difficult decision.
    I hope your’e husband will be one of the 5% that is able to manage his addiction. I have to tell you that basically once an addict always an addict, and they may have sobriety for a few years, and then it rears it’s ugly head again. Usually, the addictions are progressive because it takes a bigger high for them each time they engage it it. You will probably be subjected to slips and relapses the rest of your married life- that is just the reality of it.
    I hope you do what is best for you, and I sincerely hope your husband is one of the few to learn to manage his addiction. I just feel you are so young, and why waste your’e life, (And that is what it will be) when you can find a healthy man who truly loves an appreciates you.
    Good luck and hugs to you.

  5. R,

    None of us wanted to leave our husbands. None of us. We ALL love them deeply. I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. That is a very long time. Now, in this last post all I am hearing is all about him. (BTW, abuse is not an excuse… I was abused too, but I’m not a cheater and a liar) What about you? What are your needs? Do you have a need to be cherished and loved, nurtured, and kept safe?

    Someone are more comfortable in a martyr and/or a savior type role and If that’s you, that’s fine; however, that’s not what I heard in your original post. I heard a desperate woman, clutching at the tiniest ray of hope, and I’m sorry, but the reality is… there is very little hope. None of us wanted to believe it at first. We all made our bargains with the devil… but then, there comes a point, when its just ENOUGH. It is so unspeakably painful. We are just trying to spare a young woman from all of that, unneeded, unwarranted trip into the dark.

    A man who lies is a dangerous individual and while you married your husband under God’s graces, did your husband? Sorry, hun, not seein’ much evidence of that.

    Has it occurred to you that God is fervently TRYING to answer your prayers?

    How do you think that you ended up here?

    Sometimes, God’s screaming out the answer…

    its just not the one we were hoping to hear. I understand.

    Focus on your needs, honey, and the answers will come.

    Said, with love and concern,

    Lexie

  6. Sorry you find yourself here… but there are a lot of us.

    Been there, done that with the penis texts. And the sexting. And finding other material. And the broken promises, and the lies, and the total lack of trust. I’m into my relationship 8 years now. I knew about the problems from the very beginning. I believed him when he said he would change. I believe him still that his addiction disgusts him. Has he changed? No. I do hope he will, but I’ve given up wondering when. In it’s place I put up walls to protect myself and my family for the day if/when he goes that step too far.

    You ask if you can have a happy marriage with an addict? Depends on what your definition of happiness is. As long as he is binging you will never have trust. You will never have balance. You will never have security. Eventually you come to expect the bad behaviors as the norm. You find ways to cope. Your relationship will always be lopsided. There will be good times, happy fun times, close personal times… and then those will be overshadowed by another revelation, or some past act will come to light and taint the good memories.

    If he is remorseful and willing to work on things – and give you space to accept and work on things you may survive the relationship. But hang on your in for a bumpy ride. In all honesty too… therapy isn’t a magic cure. In fact it may make things worse before things turn around. All it will do is open your spouse to self realization. He has to take the steps to change. At 24 he may not be strong enough or feel like he has enough to loose to push him into change.

    1. Im sorry to say this but I just really wasn’t asking for advice to leave or not leave my husband. I wasn’t asking anyone to judge him or his illness…or mine. I was just looking for some support. I’m sure that after years of pain you are all disgusted with things, and your husbands. But I really have true beliefs that this is hard on both of us. When he talks to me about it he is in pain just like me. I may look back one day and say that this is a mistake. No, I am not always happy right now and thats not good. I am however trying to believe and support him to the best of my ability because thats what marriage means to me. I posed the question can I be happy if he is actively acting out. I guess I’m the only person that can answer that. I feel like I’m being defensive here and thats probably part of what this has done to me. I don’t know the answer. I was hoping someone out there had some words of positive support without telling me how to live my life. I also understand that his abuse is not an excuse, there is no “excuse”. But one thing i have to say is that I truly believe this is an addiction. I have all the faith in the world that my husband does not do this to hurt me, even though I get hurt from it. I believe that he loves me with all his heart and I will continue to support him until I feel that I no longer should.

      1. R,

        I am going through the exact same situation. I think I need to leave him, I don’t like how my life and my own obsession and insecurities are also affecting me in addition to all the other hurt I have been through. Are yo u guys still together? Did it get any better?

  7. R,

    I’m sorry that you don’t feel supported; and especially, that you felt judged; that certainly wasn’t my intention at all!

    Godspeed!

    Lexie

    1. Thank you Lexie! I guess thats exactly why I don’t like to talk about this with anyone–I don’t want to hear that I have to leave him. I’m trying to stay positive right now and this just isn’t something in my life I can walk away from. Besides, if I don’t work on myself I will probably walk right into another addictive relationship. I need to start therapy for myself. I just don’t wanna hear someone tell me what they think I should do. I would like some tools to use to make myself and my marriage healthier. We have been through so much since we got married–our house burned up in a fire a couple months after our wedding; then I had a miscarriage; then I broke my leg. We haven’t healed completely from one thing before another happened. Its stressful. I just get angry because I’m stressed out too–but I don’t have a crutch that hurts him like his crutch hurts me. I’ve tried to pay attention to what God wants me to do and everything says stay, love him and support him at this time. I just need prayer, love and support in order to do so.

      1. Dear R,

        All of us who post here have walked the proverbial mile or two in your shoes and the advice we give comes from the heart, and from experience.

        I married my husband not knowing anything about his porn/masturbation habit. I’ve now been married for 25 miserable years. I found his stash after we’d been married for 23 years and had been through two series of marriage counseling. He went to SA, played at recovery for 1.5 years. Our therapist declared him “Cured” and “Solidly in recovery” about three weeks before he drank himself into a near coma and I had to take him to the ER. Honey, they swap addictions like we change our shoes. Two weeks ago, I found an unidentifiable pill on my bathroom floor. He denied that he’s taking anything. Riiiiiight. If I had known early in my marriage what I know now, I would have left in a heartbeat.

        I realize that the thought of leaving your “husband” is terrifying. I realize you may have religious beliefs concerning your obligations under the circumstances, etc. But what should terrify you more than anything is stepping into my shoes for just a moment….looking back over your life and realizing you WASTED YOUR LIFE ON AN ADDICT….wasted your life trying to make the lies work. I know you desperately want to believe he will recover and be that wonderful man you thought you married. Honey, that only happens in fairy tales. You’ve been duped. He told you he would quit after you were married. Did he? STOP LYING TO YOURSELF. This man-boy-child is not who or what he pretended to be. If my daughter came to me and told me your story, I’d advise her to cut her losses and move on.

        You want tools to make yourself healthier? I’d suggest S-anon….the wives program for spouses of sex addicts. You need to understand why you married this “man” even though you knew about his problems. Uncovering the ugly truths about ourselves is never pleasant, but it is necessary to your healing and necessary for you to understand why you chose this “man” so you do not choose a similar “man” in the future.

        My best to you, Betty (50 years old and full of regrets that I didn’t leave)

  8. I had no idea there were so many of us. I feel like a freak checking his phone and computer history all of the time. Lexie, I believe you are right…it is impossible for them to change. I found out about my husbands addictions maybe 2 months ago. I have been married nearly 20 years and I am horrified! I don’t know what to do but know that I am miserable. I see that I am not alonr here. Hugs to all of you!

  9. I too am struggling with the same situation. I am 24, stay at home mother of 2. Last June I caught my husband in a sexting relationship he had been in off and on for 5 years (we’ve been together for 5, married almost 3). We went to counseling 3-4 times, I never felt like we were getting to the actual issue. He had been doing really well up until last night when I discovered he had a subscription to a porn website. Al though he hadn’t been “active” on it since April, I still feel upset that he decided to omit it when I found out about his sexting relationship. He says he didnt remember the website at the time which I find hard I believe. The same as everyone else, I feel very undesired, unloved and very unappreciated. I am very sad that this is happening to my marriage. I love my husband and I’m wanting and willing to make it work. I’m wanting a little guidance, a little advice on what to do.

    Thanks 🙁

  10. A, honey,

    Usually, when people are in a situation that they don’t want to face, and ask for guidance, its because they already know the answer, or are maybe hoping that someone is going to say… Oh, its not that bad…

    It IS that bad.

    It takes two people wanting to make a marriage work. I would ask him which one he wants more. You, or his other activities? He can’t have both. He may say that of course, he WANTS you. The reality is that if he is so far gone that he doesn’t remember the porn website, its most likely because its one of dozens, he frequents. He may also SAY he wants you and then go ahead and just do whatever he wishes, but he’ll be more careful not to get caught, next time.

    My belief is that if a woman wishes to stay with a SA, then she must be prepared to share him with whatever he needs to feed that addiction. It is next to impossible to break and for those SAs that do, they want this more than anything else on the face of the earth. They must want to not be THAT person anymore. They must desire wellness even more than the marriage and despite what YOU want for him. He has to want it first. But, first he has to recognize the sickness. Lots of IFs to get through.

    I’m really sorry honey. I don’t know what else to say and I wish that I could have a better prognosis, but in his present state, he’s not presenting with much hope. Maybe he just hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Sometimes that wakes them up. sometimes.

    my best,

    Lexie

  11. I’m lost, when I first got with my husband he was arrested but no charges made for downloading and making images of children he said he was posting a picture of a 17 year old girl at her request. he said he had a issue with chat rooms/ sexting but stated that the arrest had made him see the light and he was going to get help.
    I had no reason to doubt him, our love grew and we got married in June 2011 I got pregnant on the wedding night. 2 days ago following him getting a missed call from unknown number I looked at one of his email accounts. There were hundreds +++ of messages from porn sights, meeting up to have sex parties, him sending pictures of his [email protected]@k and recieving images from both men and women, the men was him looking for a wank buddy to meet and jointly wank over porn. one message was 4 days after our wedding. The meet up arrangements were messages of an address with one saying sorry I can not make it this time. I was so distraught when I found out I couldnt go through all messages going on from 2008.
    When I told him I knew he deleted the google account straight away so I couldnt go into any details. He swears that he never met with anyone even thought the one i saw were all planned for when he had days off and I was at work. He says he has a sex addiction and is sorry, that i am his life and he wants me and baby more than anything.
    I feel trapped I never thought he could do anything like that and i’m now going to have a baby with someone in 6 weeks who I don’t know. I never wanted this I only wanted to bring a child into the world in a steady relationship. I’m now trapped. I still love him but all trust is gone. I have read that they never change is this really true.
    I just feel like jumping off a bridge it would be so much easier!!!!!!!

    1. Hi Lost,

      Got married Oct 2011 and got surprised with pregnancy from our honeymoon. Have a 7 month old son and just found out in Jan 2013 that my husband has been addicted to sex chatrooms, webcams and porn since he was a teen. I married a stranger. I had a child with a stranger. I’m 28. I never saw this for myself. He didn’t do it for the first 2 years of us dating but now has been consistently doing it for 6 years. I found 5 alias email address’ 3 fake facebook accounts. yahoo messenger, msn and many smartphone apps. I caught him in a chat room in 2010 we spoke about it and I thought it was done. I had no idea of porn addiction and was so naive. I was so trusting. I never checked his phone or emails and would comment on how exhausting it was for my friends who would do that.

      I hope that things have got better for you.

  12. I just recently caught my husband on dating sights. He said its just a game to him and he has no intentions of following thru anything. He admitted being addicted to pornography and that he’s tried getting help several times and that his ex wife would say he’s sick and can’t be helped. I don’t know what to believe. I’ve blocked the internet on the phone and child protected the home computers but he’s getting on thru his work computer. Don’t know what to do please someone help.

  13. Hi S,

    and welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join, but here we are! what fun this is not! Look, he says that he’s not planning on following through, that its a game?! Guess what? HE’S LYING. If your husband were in a burning building that was about to collapse, would you run in after him? No, of course not! you would watch in horror as your beloved died a hideous death and you would grieve and mourn and take a long time to recover from the hideousness and shock of what you witnessed. There would be no confusion, though, would there? Well, its the same here. He’s a sex addict. He’s so far gone, that he’s actually risking his job to get his next fix?!?!? What will you do if he loses his job? What will you do if he gives you an STD?

    What should you do? This is what I would do. Call his ex wife and meet her for drinks. Have a good stiff drink and she will tell it to you straight. It’ll be cathartic for you both. There’s a reason their marriage broke up, now isn’t there? Since we already know that he’s a confirmed pathological, compulsive liar, nothing out of his mouth can be believed. I bet he said that she was prone to “drama?” translation: she figured out my con and now I must get rid of her, but I won’t just ask her for a divorce, I’ll make her life a living hell, so that SHE will file for divorce.

    Then, if it were me, and I did not have children with this sicko, and the means to be self-supporting (which all women hopefully are!) I would call a good lawyer and file for divorce. Reality. The building is on fire. Please don’t attempt to do some crazy thing like try to be heroine and save him. You can’t. You’ll only destroy yourself in the process. Stay out of harms way. Save yourself. Its painful now, but in the long run, you will never regret it. best, Emily

  14. I’ve got him set up with a fake profile right now he wants to meet Tuesday. But guess who he’s gonna be meeting….. his wife that’s who. I’m done being lied to. He told me he was leaving work but would take extra getting home cause he’s sick. Then he logs on to sugardaddyforme.com and starts chatting. I’m calling his work tomorrow as this person and telling them he’s using the internet trying to get me to send nude pictures,etc.

  15. Be Careful S – I can understand your anger and empathize with you completely in wanting to catch him, but sometimes these things can really turn ugly. If you want to catch him, maybe it would be better if you had a PI do it. I don’t know what your SA’s temper is like or if he can be abusive, but you never know how someone will react when backed into a corner. Also, you do not know how you will react if catching him in the act. It may be too traumatizing for you or YOUR anger might get out of control. All in all, it may not be a pretty scene.
    Take a step back, relax, and think it through. Right now, you know what he is doing, so the important thing is to take care of yourself and take some time to internalize it all before reacting.
    Just a thought.
    Love to you,
    Sharron

  16. Oops – my first post showed it didn’t go through, so re-typed it. Not exactly the same, but now you get to read it twice. I do not know how to delete it.

    (I fixed it for you Sharron–JoAnn)

  17. Thank you Sharon. Love you too. I feel so alone and betrayed. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so sick since I found out Saturday.

  18. S-I know you are devestated. Having lived it, and am still living it, I can totally understand what you are going through.
    Please know we are all here for you anytime day or night – just give us a shout when you need some support. This sight, and S.O.S., has been and is still my lifeline. I really think it helps to read posts and know others have been there. We are all very knowledgable about sex addiction, so please feel free to ask anything, and receive total support. Feel free to E-mail me and I will try and answer promptly. All of your posts are sent to my E-mail address.
    Hugs,
    Sharron

  19. I just never expected this from a pastor, Yes my husband is a pastor. I reached out to the pastor at the church we attend and he denied helping. Every where I’ve turned to has denied me the help I’ve ask for until now. I even got denied off a support group. I had his phone before when I found out. He needs help badly he lies to me to cover up what he’s doing. I’ve cried til I don’t know if there are any tears left. I feel ugly. I feel Unloved and betrayed. I keep saying to myself what did I do to make him do this. Does he not love me any more

  20. s – It is not about you – if you hear anything I say, believe that!! Your husband is very sick, and I am so sorry for you. Do you have a support system – friends, family? You are not ugly and unattractive, in fact it is not unusual for an SA to seek out women less attractive than their wives, and I am sure this is the case with you. SA is all about the high they get from seeking out whatever it is they are into. I am sure your husband has SA issues dating back to childhood – they do not get that way overnight. An SA is really not capable of showing love and their mind is very skewed. They compartmentalize their lives – one for the marriage and one for the secret life they live. They usually put forth the “nice guy” image, and everyone but you see’s them that way.
    Is your husband willing to get help? If so, encourage him to find a therapist specializing in sexual addiction. He has to take that 1st step and do it himself, however. Many times they will seek help to save the marriage, because he is probably in denial that he even has a problem. They usually are when the discovery 1st comes out.

    My advice to you is to sit down and try and talk this out with him, or have you already? If so, what are his thoughts?

    You haven’t said how old you are, or if you have children. Your husband is facing many years of therapy ahead of him if he is willing and motivated to get the help. I don’t want to paint a bleak picture for you, but sometimes reality is what needs to be said. Sexual addiction is one of the most difficult to overcome of all the addictions – there is a high failure rate, (A lot depends on their age, – the younger the better). and the most that can be expected is the SA can learn to manage the addiction. Usually, there is an underlying personality disorder that is also difficult to treat. The outcome totally depends on your husband and if he is willing to do the hard work to reach recovery. If the SA is able to learn to manage his addiction, there is still the possibility of slips and relapses down the road. You have to decide, based on the motivation of your husband if you can live with this.

    Honey, you have to find someone to help you. I don’t know where you live, but surely there is an addiction counselor in your city. The first priority is taking care of yourself and finding someone to help you deal with your devestation and trauma. I am so sorry you have been turned away from the help you need. What is wrong with these people???

    I am going to give you my E-mail and phone number if JoAnne will allow it. I am more than happy to talk with you and offer support. In the meantime, when you post, it will come to my E-mail for me to answer. There are many of us out here to reach out to you and give you the time you need to vent and give support along the way.

    I am so sorry for you. All of us here have been there and struggled with the trauma this horrible disease brings with it.

    My prayers and love are with you.

  21. Oh S,

    I’m so sorry, and you do get it, you really do, however, believe me when I tell you that I am the queen of “get even” scenarios. (most of them in my head) But, Sharron is absolutely right. You have your proof, now, (not that you needed it, the adds are ALWAYS TO MEET IN PERSON) but DO NOT GO THERE! He is very sick. Don’t call the church. Don’t show up at the bar. Send his ex wife. LOL (just kidding, really, but it is oh so enticing to imagine). The other thing and we have all come against this one too as Sharron also pointed out and that is that people think that WE are the crazy ones! They don’t believe us because HE IS SUCH A GOOD GUY! (And a man of the cloth, to boot. What a great cover!) 🙁 This is another reason why doing something which is crazy (even if you are 10000% justified and you are) is well going to backfire on you and end up only causing you more pain. This is also part of staying away from the burning building. Just stay away from it. He is toxic. He is sick and therefore, dangerous. We get it. He’ll get his, but not from you. Stay above the fray. We can talk you down from the ledge. We have been there too! Oh boy have we! Peace and love and prayers are coming your way! Emily

  22. I would love to have your email Sharon. I love my husband very much, but this illness and the fact that I can’t help is eating me alive. I have never dealt with something like this before. I’m 36 and my husband is older he’s 57. We have only been married for 3 months. I keep praying that God will heal him , but I.don’t know if that will happen. I want to get him into therapy but until he’s willing what am I to do? I’m not one to run away from my marriage over a problem. I’m so confused and hurt.

  23. S-I left JoAnn a message to see if it is okay – she usually answers fairly quickly, so hopefully by tomorrow.

    You need to realize that you can’t help him. I know you feel helpless, but remember God helps those who help themselves. This problem is above and beyond anything you can do to help him. His age is also against him, so PLEASE, do not take this upon yourself.

    I have been married to an SA for 3 years. He is the typical SA who lies, deceives, pretends to work at getting better, but deep down is probably more comfortable with his addiction than without it. He is still lieing and has huge anger control issues. He is also diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been foolish enough to go through the denial stage – thinking he will get better, the helping stage-doing everything I could think of to do. I am an R.N.-retired Psych Nurse. I should have known better, but instead I enabled him, supported him, got him the right counselor, attended therapy with him – the whole gamut. The end result is I separated from him twice, and now am in the process of considering divorce. It took me this long to “get it” and realize he isn’t going to get better.Unfortunately for all of us married to an SA, this is this is how it usually plays out.

    You haven’t been married that long, his age is against him, so even at the best you would have a long road ahead of you (Many years) of constant deception and trauma. Do you want to put yourself through that?

    I know you love him very much, and this is devestating, but you are young and deserve someone who can love you in the true sense of the word and treat you with respect and dignity. You husband has no integrity, and as Emily puts it he is liken to a wolf in sheeps clothing.

    Please take time to mourn, realize it is what it is, calm down, get some help, and the answer will clearly come to you. I used to open the Bible to random verses, and they clearly told me to get out. God speaks and works in mysterious ways. I wish I had listened sooner. I don’t want you to have to go through what hundred’s of spouses have on this and the S.O.S. site, only to finally make the decision years of wasted time down the road – it is not worth the pain. It will destroy you!! One thing to remember is look at his behavior, not what he tells you.

    Please try and get in touch with a therapist tomorrow, and hopefully JoAnn can let you know my E-Mail address.

    I know it seems hopeless, but say some prayers tonight and God will give you strength and the clarity to know how to handle this nightmare. He has gotten me through many times in my life when I thought I was sinking fast and no way out.

    It’s late, and I have to go to bed. Late for me, anyway-12M. I live in Missouri. Try to sleep well, and we are all here for you. Hopefully, we can E-mail tomorrow.

    Love, Sharron

    1. Dear Sharron and s,

      I appreciate both of your needs to connect and find and give help to each other, after all, that’s what my websites are all about.

      But, this site, Married To A Sex Addict, is for gaining insight by reading the stories and articles that I post and commenting on that particular story or article.

      This is not a forum type site where people can post back and forth and start their own topics or stories and ask for advice.

      The reason for that is that it would cost too much for me to have the type of hosting service that has enough space for that on a free website.

      Once again, as has happened before, my web hosting company is letting me know that I am ready to exceed my bandwidth, which means if I don’t pay more this month the site will shut down for the rest of the month.

      So, my first message to both of you is that this is not a forum website. The Sisterhood Of Support is for that as I pay for a massive amount of bandwidth to allow unlimited commenting and sharing.

      My second message addresses the sharing of e-mail addresses or phone numbers between people who want to connect here on this site.

      Again, this is not the appropriate place for that type of contact, so, unfortunately I must decline your requests as I do not want to give the message that this is something that this site allows. If you think about it, that type of sharing could become a huge problem and could open both myself and the visitors to this site, to all sorts of trouble, as I do not screen the people who comment here like I do on the Sisterhood site. This site gets almost 10,000 unique visitors every month, so it doesn’t take much imagination to figure out they types of abuses that could occur. And, I simply do not have the time to address requests like that. So, I do hope that both of you, and everyone else understands.

      s, I understand your pain, just as Sharron does. If you would like to send me your story I will publish it and then you can benefit from the comments of many people.

      If you would like the comfort of private sharing with many other women who can give you support, friendship and where you can safely exchange phone numbers and e-mail addresses, please consider joining the Sisterhood.

      I will post a separate article outlining these practices so that all my readers understand and I am copying this to both Sharron and s.

      Good luck to you s, you will be in my thoughts and Thank You Sharron for your wonderful compassion toward s. ~ JoAnn

  24. S – You haven’t been on the site today, and I am worried about you. Let us know if you are okay. JoAnn suggested going to the S.O.S Sisterhood of Support site. I think that would be a good fit for you as there are many ways to connect with eachother. You can subscribe for as little as $15.00/mo. and it is well worth your money. It is totally confidential, and only members can read and answer posts.
    Check in please.
    Love,
    Sharron

  25. NO I’m not ok. He has another phone. I found out n called it. Of course he answered I went off. He said I took away his internet he went elsewhere. I told him get help or I want a divorce. My heart is beyond broken.

  26. Good decision s – Obviously your husband is beyond help and does not want it. Take your trauma and run. This guy – “A Sheep in Wolves Clothing”- is yanking your chains. These SA’s actually choose the type of woman they marry. Usually they want a woman to take care of them while they continue the secret life, and present a reasonable facsimile of a marriage to the outside world. I may be wrong, but usually the pattern is they will do anything to keep you, and for that very reason. Expect the games to began. If so, he will soon apologize, tell you he will get help, or is a changed man and will never do it again. I would guess, when he starts thinking clearly, he will want to protect that lovely persona he puts onto everyone and protect his reputation. If he doesn’t start playing the typical games, I would worry he is a sociopath with no conscience whatsoever. You are not verbalizing or seeing any signs from him that he is remorseful.Do you think anyone else knows about this?
    How is he acting to you right now? pompous and above and beyond reproach? He will most likely turn it around and blame you for what he is doing to try and taint your self esteem even more. Don’t let him do it!! He is the one with the low self esteem – most SA’s are.
    Did you try and seek out some help today? Would your parent’s be open to discussing this openly with you. Do you have any brothers or sisters you can confide in.
    I know you are hurting beyond repair right now, but this man is ,not worth it, and I think you are beginning to realize it. Don’t let him con you into staying. Even if you choose not to divorce down the line, I would suggest getting away from him for awhile so you can get your head straight and think clearly. You are just operating on emotions right now.

    Did you think about joining S.O.S.? If you read our Administrator’s E-mail, there is more freedom on that sight for communication. Anything I can say or do to help you right now?

    Much Love and prayers coming your way.

  27. My husband and I have a few month old child and we have been together since around 2004. He has been always – since we got married- been on some chats/dating websites/writing and calling prostitutes etc.. He claims he has never met anyone face to face, and I do not have any proof of that, but I do wonder… He said he never made love to anther women than me, even before we got married .I think I believe him but I now have doubts because he has said a few little lies to me. I do not like being lied to at all and it ruins trust between us. He said that me being suspicious of him and snooping into his email etc. caused him to be this way, or it made it worse. I am not sure what to think about it – could that be true? It got much worse after our son was born, he actually kissed another girl and he told me about it. He has lots of opportunities – he is a young professor and his female students like him, he travels frequently to attend conferences etc. This year he even requested 1.5 week vacation for himself (camping) because he feels entrapped with me. I am trying my best to be less suspicious but he doesn’t want to promise anything and asked me for open relationship 2 months ago. It seems he is trying to be honest at least. We are going to counseling every week and it is slightly better for sure. Is there any hope for us?

  28. Marie,

    I am so, so sorry, but your husband is totally FOS. He wants an OPEN relationship and he wants to vacation alone for TEN days? He goes on conferences ALONE? He’s around young, nubile, voluptuous, FLIRTATIOUS STUDENTS, who LIKE him? And he doesn’t want to promise you anything? Hun, he’s a sex addict. He’s a liar and a cheater and your snooping does NOT make him worse. HE MAKES HIMSELF WORSE! However, he feels no compunction over placing the blame on you, for his illness.

    classic.

    This is the deal and I know that this is very difficult reading, but it is the truth and you asked for the truth,if there’s any hope for you and him together, so here goes: Its bad. Its really, really bad. He’s the real deal and my heart does go out to you so hang on here. IF you are willing to accept (moldy) crumbs (if that), and can live with him the way he is NOW, knowing that he’s an infidel and a liar and that he doesn’t think very much of your vows, your welfare, your health, then fine. Stay married to him, but don’t expect him to change! He has told you quite clearly (in SA speak) that he’s a womanizer and that he has no intention of changing, not for you, himself or anyone else. His way or the hi-way! And yes, of course he’s been with women in person. Studies have been done which prove this. The circumstantial evidence that you have is more than enough to put him away. (at least that’s what I would do.)

    I know that we live for that time when he was “different” and hope beyond hope that he can be THAT man again? But that was all an act. This is the real him. I’m sure that’s not the answer you were hoping for, but until he’s ready to move heaven and earth to change, he will go on hurting you, over and over. Guaranteed. With Love, Holly

  29. Marie-
    I am so sorry for what you are going through-your husband is the classic sex addict. What you really should be asking is how to get out and when to leave. Do I think your marriage has a chance of surviving?? NO and a big NO!!
    One of the classic symptoms of an SA is projecting the blame onto the spouse. Listen to me when I tell you that you have had absolutely nothing to do with his behavior. He is very sick. Even though you think he is being honest with you, I guarantee you only know a tip of the iceberg.
    He has told you he feels entrapped with you, and I’m sure he does. Your marriage puts demands on him that he does not want and he cannot fulfill- You are asking for a husband who loves you, is able show intimacy with you, and puts you on that pedestal you deserve to be on. He has none of these characteristics.
    If my husband told me he feels trapped and asked for an open marriage, I’d pack his bags and open the door wide so I could kick his ass to the curb.
    As Holly say’s I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but the reality of the matter is your husband does not want to change. Even if he was motivated to change, it would take years to see that happen. You are young-cut your loses, run, and don’t look back. Your h is not the one who should be making the rules, you are!
    He not only is a sex addict, but a self-centered scum bag. He and has no respect for women. If you stay with him, your life will be a living hell. You deserve a REAL man. Your h is an abuser in the true sense of the word.
    Please get some counseling for yourself. If you are even entertaining the idea of staying with him, you not only need help in dealing with the trauma he is causing you,but also why you would even want him. Your marriage could not be more dysfunctional.
    I hope you know this is all said in love. Our sister site, S.O.S Sisterhood of support is a closed site, so everything you say is confidential. You can join for a minimal amount per month. The women there are wonderful. We have all been in similar situation’s, so we give support, love, and it really helps put things in perspective. You will also learn everything there is to know about sex addiction. I suggest you look into it.
    Much love to you, and good luck
    Sharron

  30. I don’t think we try to be negative here but after you find out you have been decieved to for so long and we as women are overly trusting, you don’t go in thinking they are lying from day one! I am amazed how they can act normal but they are doing their thing when you are not with them- whether it’ on a cell phone, a hidden cell phone, the web- and all the different email accts they have, texting, chat rooms.

    I just recently found out my boyfriend of 5 months is a sex addict, he has a foot fetish which i thought was different and we have never seen porn together, our sex life was good, but he can’t always finish the deed, but we enjoyed what we had, now I just found out he’s been calling and texting for the whole time since we met, I know the addictions are powerful but its HIS addiction not mine and I am not able to save anyone(it can’t be done)I will heal from my hurt as we all have to. But I will let him go, we are talking about it but its a thing he has dealed with most of his adult life, I mentioned SA is free but he’s not looking for that, he enjoys the game.

    I think women should be strong on their own, they need us for support mostly but they still do what they want, we need to think of ourselves, I know I had nothing to do with his addiction, I have no issues on my own. I know I am strong and this is not my problem, I feel bad for the married women who find out yrs later as your heart is given to him and he doesnt really care like you do. Its sad how this is a big epidemic. I want to emphasize- ladies you are not responsible and you are not the one who made him that way, you are strong and can make it without all the pain they bring. Save yourself and find a life with out their issues. Dont think you deserve any of this. Turning a blind eye is not an answer either, always believe your gut and pray for yourself – do not believe them. I think addictions like this are dangerous and I am not sure they really recover. I already dealt with a man who had a drug addiction- I am not going back wards ever again, this one here is pretty bad too and I don’t want any part of it, I am hurt now but I feel I can move on without him. I have to.

    Ladies love yourself always, you really matter!

  31. Linda-What a strong woman you are. I was also just reading the post about the woman whose h has a fetish for bbw. Sometimes getting out is not as easy as it would appear. The SA’s are great at hiding their secret lives, and when we do find out, most often they will start therapy in an attempt to keep us. They will promise change and pray they will never hurt us again.
    I am one of those women who fell into that trap. I am a Psychiatric Nurse and should have known better. I will say, however, I had never been exposed to sex addiction, so was pretty clueless as to what to expect. My h was into bbw porn, fantasizing, and mb. The story is a long one, but he sought counseling, and from the appearance of it all he was working diligently toward recovery. He attended SA meetings, and posted on a web site for SA’s. He supposedly gave up the porn, but then his addiction continued with objectifying young woman with big breasts. Then, as if it couldn’t get worse, he objectified his daughter and sister.
    I went through two separations from him and now finally the last. The lieing and deceiving continued. He beat a lie detector test, which he later admitted. That gave me false hope that his addictive behavior had stopped, otherwise I would not have married him. I have dealt with a lot of psychiatric problems in my career, but never have I seen a man who could lie and cover up as well as my SA-He is the best I have ever seen. I honestly think if I had not had experience in the field of deception and knew what to look for, I would still continue to be fooled. My sister, who is also an R.N. said she probably never have picked up on it, as he appeared to be the “perfect man”. Don’t they all!
    But, then I have to accept responsibility for getting hooked into change once I found out about the continued deception. I am a caretaker, and it was meeting a need for me. I honestly believed I could
    get him help and change him. How stupid can a woman be!! It is amazing how we deceive ourselves, as well.
    Anyway, I finally “Got it”! But my point being that it is so easy to be fooled by a man who has spent his entire lifetime leading a secret life. But, at the same time, we have to be realistic and understand the
    dynamics of sex addiction-Change is not in the vocabulary for them.
    I enjoyed your post and am always hopeful that other women will do as you have done-get out! You are a wonderful example for us all.
    Hugs to you,
    Sharron

  32. And since moving to Australia he is one two dating sites and texting lots of women I have found them all messages through his phone. How do I approach the subject if what I know. He has lots of women before and after we married. It’s really upsetting to find all this I am a emotional wreck. My poor children have been coping it as well and it’s not their fault it’s just cause I’m angry at him

  33. Wow oh wow. I did think I was alone in this horrible nightmare! I recently found explicit photos of nude women/nude body parts of women, different women, in my boyfriends phone. Not only that, but conversation that would lead anyone to believe there is more to their involvement than just picture swapping, which is bad enough! What kind of men are these? Do I turn my back after 6 years w him? I told him it was over and haven’t spoken since except one time and during that brief txt’d conversation, he sent me a txt that said, “I want you to wear them”. That txt was meant for someone else because it was not in corrilation w our conversation. He didn’t deny that either. What a shock to see what this world is coming to. Advise for me anyone?

  34. Sandy,
    So sorry that you’ve been a relationship with a sociopath. Please, just stay away from him. No contact. Block him, change your number. He is toxic. Toxic men often have (some) good qualities so don’t let the good outweigh the bad. The bad is really, really bad and will destroy your soul in time.

  35. hi all again I am amazed at how many of us three are. Can I just say though that it is not all hopeless. You have to think of it as an addiction. It is not our fault. Some of them really do want to change (each case being different to the other) but believe me any addiction depends on the addict and the support of the of their partner. If your addict partner doesnt want to give it up then they probably never will. If they declare undying love for you and fill you with many promises, be sceptical but trust your initiative. If you feel like it is not right for you then it is not right for you.people do get through this but it does take time, like any addictive personality and yourself.
    We can get through this….. Hopefully xxx

  36. Been with my husband 20 plus years. SA started out when home computer first purchased. I had him help my in a program and then his screen flipped over and he was talking to someone. I was shocked. Totally shocked I had to go outside just to breathe. I have been reading your comments. Yes he is a nice guy. Seems he would do anything. Some housework, grocery shop, cook. A few years later got 1-900 phone charges. Thank God I had a coverage to “block” charges and I did not end up owing $500 in phone bill. Now just recently with cell phone bill on line saw messages / text / phone calls to a few numbers. I called them, pretented I had the wrong # and got their names. Then I sent one a text. Found out he was on a sex website is how they hooked up. It has been morning calls. Afternoon calls. etc. He a truck driver so text while gas is loading. (Hauls gas). She told me he made plans to meet her Sat am but cancelled. All this brought up because she sent him a text that I half way saw and later that night went to check and he had passcode on his phone. I signed up for the website, she gave me his “call name” and saw his photos etc. where he claimed he was Divorced and just outof a unhappy relationship. I made him take the pass code off and make it so I could see phone calls and texts on line via phone bill but the last 5 days got deleted I am sure at his request to the phone company. Everything was back on track until I showed him the website photo of himself. Now he mad. I am getting to old for this. I do love my husband and just want things back the way they were. He tells me I was not paying attention to him and it was nice to talk to someone who appreciated talking to him. This girl (Ann) said he really just talked about sex. Her ad stated noone in a relationship. She gave me her profile “call name” and it did say that. Anyway, too old for games. Is it time to quit and move on? He is just saying someone to talk to……. At home while playing poker on his phone I know he is texting or I belive he is. Any advise here? Looking back I did maybe not pay as much attention to him but his website profile has been up since 9/11/12 and this is July 2013.

  37. Hi Brandy – Do not for one minute put any blame on yourself. Your husband is sick. It would not matter if you gave him sex 5x’s a day, or gave him every minute of your attention – He would still be doing what he is doing. Sex addiction, in most cases is a symptom of a deeper problem, (Personality Disorder) and many times is a life long process going back to childhood.
    I am so sorry for your pain. I met my husband, after two previous marriages, and thought he was the love of my life. He was smart, funny,very attentive, very loving, and a great lover. Everyone like him. He appeared to be a very moral guy. He always put me on a pedestal – that is until he put the engagement ring on my finger. Then, everything changed.The sex was almost non-existent, in fact he would turn his back to me at bedtime and sleep as far to the other edge of the bed he could get without falling out. Kisses turned into a quick peck on the lips.
    I began to catch on pretty quickly, and would catch him obsessively objectifying women when we were out and about. I confronted him with it, and he admitted it – at least part of it. Things went from bad to worse and I insisted on the truth or I was going to leave. He then admitted to BBW porn dealing with crushing and stomping, and even animals engaging in crushing and stomping. He agreed to Counseling, went to a 2 week Intensive, came back and things got even worse. He lied to the Counselors, and continued to lie to me. I separated from him twice, and the third time divorced. He always managed to convince me he was going to change, and I got hooked on thinking he would. This was all in a 2 1/2 year period.
    I am telling you all of this, because to this day (3 yrs. later) He is still as sick as he was when I met him. From all the literature I have read, and learning info from JoAnn’s other site s.o.s., a cure seems next to impossible. Do not waste another day on this guy. I don’t care how much you love him, the pain and trauma is not worth it. Usually, the only reason they mimmck wanting to change is because you catch them. They will do anything to save the marriage, because it represents normalcy to them. These men are not capable of love, so please do not delude yourself into thinking he loves you – I don’t care what he tells you. Any man that is self-centered enough to cheat on their wives and continually lie does not love you. He needs help. I would cut my losses and run as fast as you can and don’t look back!! You deserve more than he can ever give you.
    I am sorry to be so blunt, but it took “Blunt” for me to finally “get it”. When the pain is not worth the gain, it is time to make a change.
    Love and good luck to you.
    Sharron

  38. This is Brandy again. Sharon thank you for your reply. I have since found out much more since I talked to you last. I had been sick, letting him pay the bills. I recently got our credit card statement and found out for the last year he was charging websites to our charge card to the tune of about $150.00 per month. Also saw charges from a hotel by the airport (twice) that he said he met women from these sites but told them he could not go through with it and left. Right!! He is suppose to be going to counseling but we will see what happens there. Also, he wants to start going to church but could not seem to find the number as easily as the womens’ numbers. Just thought I would share some of the rest of my story.

  39. Hi Brandi – Only time will tell if your h is serious about recovery. It is not unusual for an SA to want to start attending church. My Ex attends every Sunday, but continues to act out. Sounds to me like your h is trying to do what you want him to do – not what he really feels he should do.
    I am sorry for all the pain this affliction continues to put upon you. Because it takes years of therapy, with many relapses even for the most motivated SA, I guess you need to decide if you can tolerate everything that your h will do. It does not sound like he is motivated at all – especially considering all of the things you continue to find out about him.
    You can do better and don’t deserve to go through a lifetime of emotional and physical pain. Eventually, it will take it’s toll on you. Sounds like you have some medical issues, anyway. Wouldn’t you like to have a man who treats you with love and respect?
    Good luck to you in finding your way. Are you getting counseling for yourself? That would probably be the best thing for you right now. Learn to take care of yourself first. Sometimes, it is better to get away from it all and spend some time to process everything you are dealing with.
    We all have to make decisions, eventually, and it took me a long time to get there. I hope you can find some peace and think this thing through clearly. For me, I would never put up with it – life is not worth it! It is hard to see that now, but eventually you will find some closure and make a firm decision to stay or leave. Just me, but I hope you will leave.
    Hugs,
    Sharron

  40. Hello ladies,
    I want to start off by saying how blessed I feel to have found this site! Reading your stories took away the feeling that I was alone in this, and that I was crazy feeling the way I do…I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We grew up together and have known each other for years. He is 45 and I am 44. I found out about his problem less than 1 month into the relationship. Very innocently I found a penis pic on his phone that he had sent to another woman WHILE OUT WITH ME! I immediately tried to end the relationship, but after alot of begging and pleading on his part, I stayed. Let me also say that my boyfriend is an alcoholic ad well. Shortly after we got together (2010) he was arrested fir his 5th dui. he was then sentenced to a year and a half in prison and six months work release. I am a very loyal person I come from a very great family my grandparents were married 67 years my parents have been married 45 years I have been raised not to turn your back on someone that you love, so therefore, I stood by him the entire time he was in prison I took care of him I took care of his family Ice definitely stood by my man. As I’ve said to him several times, I took your hand and walk through hell with you, and walked out the other side still holding your hand. When he was released from prison and sent to the work release program I would go and pick him up occasionally for AAA meetings and trips to get toiletries and things like that. After being in prison and away from me for a year and a half when he was with me he would never touch me. He never even mentioned having sex with me or anything. I thought that was very odd, but I never questioned it. Then when he was released and came back home, because we live together, we did have sex together but it was not very often. let me also state that my boyfriend has an issue with erectile dysfunction. After a while I found out that he was s****** his ex and still in love with his ex of 13 years. He had purchased a penis pump and was using the penis pump to take the pictures apparently to make it made his penis look bigger. he had also gone out and buy a prepaid cell phone so that he could contact his ex and continue this behavior. He was not only using the phone to do this with his ex, but there was were several women. One of the women was the wife of his best friend and a friend of mine. After that all came out I kicked him out we were split up for a few months and he contacted me and swore to me that it would all stop and I gave him another chance. Just a few months after he came back he had back surgery and gave me his personal belongingswhile he was in surgery. Of course having the experience with him that I had I went through his personal belongings while he was in surgery. Now let me back up a little bit before I had kicked him out he had bought an engagement ring and asked me to marry him all the while he had to the prepaid phone and was professing his undying love to his ex, as well as the s****** with the other women. And then almost a year to the day he asked me to marry him again that was this this past January February is when he had his surgery and February is when I found that he was on hookup sites trying to habitat or having inappropriate conversations with other women sending naked pictures it never had stopped he had has done this on our entire relationship. Of course I tried to kick him out again and he begged and pleaded and said it was stupid and it would never happen again never really had an explanation. Now it is July 2015 and I caught him in April with a prepaid phone. How I caught him with all my installed nanny cameras in my house because I knew he was doing it again and lying to me. So I have 6 videos of this man that supposedly loves me more than anything in the world doing this stuff in my house in my bedroom while talking to me on the phone at one point. That happened back in April and in May he contacted me admitted that he had a problem said he would do anything to make it right but he didn’t want to lose me. I also have to add that elbow he is not his biological grandfather, I have a granddaughter that we are consider his granddaughter as well. And one thing I can say without a doubt is I know that despite all of his issues this man is madly in love with that little girl and vice versa. So he agreed to go to counseling in May we have been going to counseling ever since and recently it is now July I found out that he has never stopped with the online hookup sites he is still sending pictures back and forth with women and he’s even gone so far as to take out a personals ad on Craigslist, which is scary. And although at first he was completely making effort in repairing this relationship seems sincere seemed as if he really wanted to be with me loved me, which I believe that he does, but completely convinced me that he was mortified by his behavior and that it would never ever ever happen again and he wanted to get help to find out why he can’t stop. Well as time went on the effort that he put into the relay fixing the relationship has gotten less and less. We are still not living together, but moving back and what was his end goal. But since we have been not living together he is back to drinking all the time he has a suspended license and is driving drunk in a truck with illegal plates. He continues to make a responsible decisions and has completely changed his attitude towards me he’s sarcastic and kind of the smart Alek. He has now put me in fixing this relationship as a low priority, and his addictions have seemed to take in control again. I have begged and pleaded with this man I have sent text after text after text phone conversation after phone conversation and it is not working. Last night I had to make the very difficult decision, to block his number an attempt to let him go. But as stated in one of the earlier comments, he has become my addiction. fixing this problem and trying to make him stop doing this has become my addiction, trying to catch him doing this has become my addiction.I have blocked this number many times and then unblocked it and then blocked it again and unblocked it and ended it and then begged him not to give up it makes me sick to my stomach what this has turned me into. This man does not care what these women look like, anything about them, whether they are wives or girlfriends of friends, family members, it doesn’t matter. If the woman is willing to participate he is all over it. I am a very loyal person, obviously almost to a fault, and I know that this is a sickness and I am struggling with turning my back on someone that I love when I know that it is a sickness. But when it comes to the point to where I am the only one that cares about their relationship I’m the only one that makes the effort, what other choice do I have. I’m writing on this blog today and telling my story because I’m in desperate need of strength and help from others and advice from others to keep myself from allowing this to go on in my life. It is obvious that this man has a problem not only with this sex addiction but also with alcoholism and he refuses to do anything about it. He pretends that he does, even so far as to go into counseling, but it’s all fake. I just need maybe some backup or some reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. I’m trying very hard to keep his number blocked, but I am a fixer type of woman, and this is very very hard for me. Any advice and suggestions would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you again for all of your stories and for all of you making me realize I’m not crazy and I’m not alone lots of love ladies!

  41. I forgot to check the box to get email responses…so now its checked…I am a mess and need advice 🙁

  42. Hi Stephanie-
    You need to let this man go. It is not unusual to have 2 addictions going at the same time. It is also not unusual for an addict to seek counseling only for the purpose of trying to save the relationship in order to feel he has some facsimile of feeling “Normal”. He has proven over and over to you that he REALLY does not want to get better. If he did, you would be seeing some signs and consistency that he is working on the addiction’s. Unfortunately, you have a sick loser on your hands, and staying with him is only going to drag you down emotionally and physically.
    I speak from experience. I married my husband in 2010 and divorced in 2012. We re-married
    in 2013, but only have a marriage of convenience for financial security. We live apart and I have detached from him emotionally.
    In the 7 years I have known him, he still continues with his porn addiction fantasies, and lying.
    I am a retired R.N. with experience in Psychiatric Nursing. I, too, was a fixer! Trust me when I tell you an addict cannot be fixed, and even with consistent therapy the the recovery rate is very low.
    My advice to you is get out and stay out. You will always hear how much he loves you and how much he wants to get better-Even multiple promises that he will beat the addiction. Pay attention to the behavior NOT his words. If you join S.O.S.-Sisterhood of support, you will read hundreds of stories like yours and the struggles the wife or partner has gone through-only to realize what I have just told you. The new site will have just about everything you need to gain information to make an informed decision. You will make many friends and a lot of love and support.
    I would advise getting counseling for yourself to get through this trauma you are suffering. Get out of the fixer role and get away from this guy. You deserve better. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back.
    Good luck, Sharron

  43. It is so hard to hear and even harder to internalize the “negative” comments, and every woman has to get through it on her own timetable, but eventually we all learn that those “negative” comments are Truth, learned the hard way. I too wanted to believe that my husband was ‘different’, and made excuses for him, and believed him over and over then lived through the shock of understanding that he was able to look me in the eye and lie completely and totally believably and repeatedly. And still love me, and I him. But the addiction will always be more important than me, my feelings, my needs. Addicts excel at something known as ‘magical thinking’ – if they don’t acknowledge it, then it doesn’t exist. That way they can keep the 2 parts of their lives separate and disconnected, and not have to deal with the guilt and anxiety. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years, 2nd marriage for both, we are in our 50s. I admit to my part, in knowing that he did some inappropriate online flirting, but somehow I overlooked that and married him anyway. I was so naive. I knew very little about porn and sex addiction, and when you start finding out the depth of it, it’s like falling into a pit with no bottom. Whatever they admit to, there is always more. It WILL escalate to live meetings for sex eventually, and he will not give one thought to the danger that puts his partner in. If found out and confronted, he will admit to as little as possible, and ‘be good’ for a while, and then it will start again. My husband has cancer, which was diagnosed a few months after we married. I made my first “discovery” about 6 weeks after we were married, when I was about to be gone for a long weekend and discovered an email (obviously I had suspicions of ‘something’, or I wouldn’t have looked for it) setting up a blow job meeting , IN OUR HOME, while I was gone. That’s how stupid this addiction makes them, to give a total stranger our home address.

    I was still in shock and trying to decide if I was going to stay or go when he was diagnosed. At that point I was still believing the bullshit, that he was sorry, it was a one time thing, he didn’t know why he did it, it would never happen again. As he started chemo and radiation, I made discoveries that he was still at it. The next few months he became very weak and sick and very dependent on me. By that time I had done some reading and research and knew more about it. I decided it was best if I faced the music and knew everything. While he slept (which was most of the time) I scoured computers and phones. There was a lot to find. It had been going on for our entire relationship. I don’t know how many meetings he’d had four liuve stuff but I know there was at least a few while we were together. As he recovered, we talked about it. I went through every phase – cried buckets, hated myself, hated him, obsessively checked things constantly, made up, vowed eternal love, hated everything all over again. Developed IBS, lost 50 lbs, didn’t sleep, didn’t eat. Meanwhile playing the living wife of a sick man with a pain so deep that i couldn’t share with anyone.

    Fast forward a year and a half, and he has had his 4th recurrence after the chemo, radiation, and 2 major surgeries. We know now that a cure is not to be had. But despite all of this, and everything I have done for him and given up for him and he dikes appreciate and we still live each other – whenever he starts to feel halfway decent, it starts again, THAT is how addictive this is for them. I am no longer obsessive, but knowing what I know, I do keep an eye on the emails and text message records , because i feel I at least need to protect myself from him bringing some disease home to me. He’s not been well for a while now, but low and behold here he was cruising Craigslist and some MILF site not long ago. I know he’s too weak for anything physical right now, and there were no other indications. I would never leave him in the state he is in, but I certainly would put an end to any physical part of our relationship (not that there is much if that anymore.). I don’t keep any of this secret from him anymore, he knows what I know, and at this a point i am just watching out four myself. Under the circumstances I really don’t care if he watches porn, but any communication I will not stand for any more.

    R – or any newbies to thus problem – please doi yourself a favor and read a book called “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”. It helped me so much. Find out all you can about. It will be painful and shocking, guaranteed. And whatever he admits to, there is more, that is also guaranteed. In this area, he cannot be trusted, and that is a bitter bitter pill to swallow. I thought my world was going to fall apart. I wanted to die. But it didn’t, and I didn’t. You will figure out what you need too do in your own time. Just don’t put your head in the sand.

  44. Been living this life for 21 years. All came to a head over a friend he wouldn’t give up but has no sexual ly explicit stuff with.
    I broke. Nervous breakdown broke. Stood my ground and now we are seperating. I love the man. Always will. The seperation is amicable and as his friend I can and will be there for him. I’ve had all the pain you guys have described. I’ve been there with promises and denials. I am at peace now as his friend and glad today I found this to know I am not alone x

  45. I’m devostated.
    Been together three years three months.
    Only living together for a year, he was diagnosed with cancer four months ago, on th n I caught him leering while he was touching my hand, in a super market which carried on through to the cash out, he said he was doing it, he said, I think he did but thought I couldn’t see, he said was getting better at putting blocks up so he wouldn’t Leer ,. I went on his computer and he said I would find anything, I did, he’d copied and pasted three porn addreses, he was so shocked, he said I want to do my ironing, fk. That was a week ago, he’s since gone to SA tonight and made a shrink appointment for tmoz another hours drive away! I’m not sure if this is just for my sake. I’m very aware of moods, it’s why our sex life has struggled for nearly the whole time we’ve lived together, my gut feeling kept telling me something was wrong, yep I think he was having withdrawal from his porn. Not living together he was fantastic, I bet they all are!
    He’s is also aspergers, extremely intelegeant.
    We rent our home of nearly a year which I can’t afford alone,
    Iv used all savings for his health, alternative medicine.
    And lastly, this is my fourth time with sexually fk up man!
    They’ve email to come to me to be caught, like when I get as a nurse, I’d catch them, all sorts.
    I’m exhausted, but thanks to yoga I WILL GET Strong faster than most of you ladies as it teaches not only relaxation but detachment.
    I need to stay detached, this is ugly isn’t it and very toxic!
    Thanks for being here and sharing your pain.
    Brave woman get wiser not Nieve.
    I’v just turned 60 but look 50 and I meditate, love yoga for 33years and my inner world won’t crumble like my outer world looks and hurts right now.
    I will never be desperate for crumbs of love, I love and respect myself more!
    It’s funny, not, but I had told him that I have a supper sixth sence and can be tell if there is anything wrong, he said oh good as I’m living in the truth, fk, he must have wanted to be caught. <<<I saw that, hope, hmm.
    What will be will be, just writing this has so helped=I'm really coming back from this crying and trauma, I'm getting a life, not isolating.
    Onwards ladies, hearts, Virginia's heal…. Hugs to you all….

  46. I’m not sure what to think. I have been married for 15 years. We have always had a good sexual relationship. He is an alcoholic. Has tried to quit a few times but the disease always wins. This past year has been the worst as he is starting to get black outs and say really mean things to me. Starting in about August, I noticed his sex drive just stopped. He didn’t want to touch me anymore, didn’t want to look at me. So, I tried harder — did everything I could think of to get him to want me again. But, even when we did have sex, he wouldn’t be able to finish or didn’t seem into it at all.

    Then I found out he has a separate porn computer. A computer just for porn. I made him show me it. I found a penis pump while I was cleaning his office. I asked him if he was using it for dick pics and he denied it but was also laughing. I told him to tell me whatever he was doing. He denied doing anything. So, I did a background check on him. Found an email he has never told me about. He is friending lots of girls on facebook lately — all old highschool friends. Searching his browser and every night there are some gaming sites listed — but he is not a gamer and so it confuses me as to what that could be. He had a creepy message from a guy and one from a girl calling him soft hands. He has done research on female condoms via the internet. He is always objectifying women and putting down any woman with a strong opinion. When he is drunk, he lets things slip. He told me he messages girls. He told me he would leave me after the kids got out of high school. He said he needs a subservient woman. He told me online sex xhats, etc is not cheating.

    I guess I know my answer but I want to catch him red handed so that I can put myself in the position of power and get the hell out with pride and dignity. I am going to counseling. He is refusing to go for alcohol but quit (8 days ago) on his own. He is blaming me for so much.

    Thanks for reading.

  47. I’ve been married to a sex addict for 18 years. He sent a racy photo at work to a coworker and a outside person and got written up for sexual harassment and demoted. After he went back to work, he started strange behavior and got put on leave.

    He came clean on a variety of things, a one night stand, conference sex, Instagram dick pics, an emotional affair last year, creating a fake email address and registering as an alias for sex, constant masturbation at home and at work. He was abandoned, abused etc.

    Here’s the real kicker. I almost died 6 years ago..he took care of me. In my mind, before the accident I don’t necessarily believe this has anything to do with me. He does love me and my kids. BUT, he admitted this because he was caught, he’s probably losing his job, he’s in the hospital for withdrawal of testosterone, Vyvanse, valium and supplements.

    I have great job. All during this time, he monitored me constantly. He asked me why I’m checking my phone, who I had a meal with when I travel, accused me of having an affair with my boss, a friend of my uncle’s who kept in touch with me after uncles death sporadically. He lives near my aunt in another state and I needed him to look in on her since her daughter had an addiction and od’ed in her bathroom.

    There has not been a trip in 17 years that hasn’t had at least one call or blowup about me cheating on him. I did have an emotional affair of two months 8 years ago. It was a very traumatic and sad thing. He lived in another state, went to high school near me, similar careers, very compatible and a grown up adult. I had told him my husband said I was frigid because I lost my ability to climax. He made me climax just talking to him.

    Alas I have 2 kids, one on the autism spectrum, and a daughter. I have very strong feelings on divorce. I was abandoned and sexually abused by step siblings, both parents “friends”. I have a gorgeous 12 year old daughter. My son on the autism spectrum is 17.

    The last two years were highly abusive. I was in a deep depression that the head injury made worse. I hated where we lived, I wanted out. All that time, he was a S.A.. He demanded sex at least 3 Times a week. I used to feel like I had to give oral sex every day or he would explode in anger. He took testosterone against his doctors and my advice from a strip mall place ‘low T center’. He continued the constant allegations and questioned me about everything. I can’t take antidepressants. I was actually considering, seriously, having ECT to help.

    I have a big job that requires my brain big-time. It would potentially harm my memories, intellect, etc. I had an appointment when he was caught.

    Our sex life had strangely gotten great. I am not a snooper.. I don’t have time for that. Now he’s in the hospital, going to s.a. therapy and he swears it’s over. He won’t relapse, he loves me, etc. He called me from the psych ward that he’s checking out, will take my daughter, and my son and I can move. Over my dead body would I allow that. I can get full custody. I have a job. I’ll lose some assets in a divorce but I have a great job and frankly, I don’t need him. I don’t know if he’ll work again.

    His anger and s.a. is from a very early age. Here’s the problem- 1) I don’t want to divorce when she’s 12, 2) I definitely don’t want to divorce and stay here, if I divorce I’d move out of state, 3) I don’t know if he’ll relapse since he did things after the head injury that almost caused me to commit suicide or ECT. 4) I can forgive but not forget. He says what he did was mild – a) not true, masturbation at work, getting friendly online at Ashley Madison , sending dicj pics to people, and working out 7 days a week and being on a body building website where he gave encouragement and support to people while showing off his body, secretively, who knows what he did during the 11+ hours a week. It’s quite possible he was with strangers.

    The day he came clean I threw up 5times. I am struggling with the relapse issue. I’m struggling with the emotional abuse. I’m furious he threatened me about my daughter. I think he’s weak now but will recover and relapse. Plus I want a real man to love me, and not be a lying, cheating asshole.

    But I had thought maybe we do a year of counseling with an addiction counselor, I could monitor him (I have colleagues who can keyboard lock, write programs to monitor phones, laptops, etc) but he could buy burner phones, etc.) And the 12 year old daughter loves her daddy. I’m certain I wouldn’t destroy her image of him and disclose his seedy side. But I know she will blame me and possibly hate me for protecting her.

    I know first hand even if he didn’t abuse her, the kinds of people he’s been around COULD or WOULD. I cried all day when he was committed. I made love to him after the confession. It was sad and moving. But now I’m confused. Cut bait on a sick man who nursed me back to health? I’m the bad guy. What if he could recover? Or is he using me since he’ll lose everything- fancy car, house, “family guy” image, and not to brag but I’m attractive. If I wanted to date, remarry, whatever- not an issue. I will always be financially independent.

    One night before he was committed, he said, ‘reconciliation or no reconciliation?’ And I paused. I don’t know. He went totally abusive. This therapist pegged him first visit. Said he was abusive. He’s a sex therapist and very, very good. Prescribed some S.A. place in Arizona. So should I do therapy, wait a year, sell the house, give him his share and wait until he has a job. I’ll be damned if I divorce and pay alimony. I don’t think I can trust him. I don’t know if treatment will cause him to be impotent and hello, I need intimacy too!

    I’m sad, angry, and scared. I don’t want to lose my daughter. I also want my kids to have a father. Even a sick, perverted father is better than being an orphan like me.

  48. Been with my husband for 16 years and married for Almost 12 years. Found out his addiction when we had to immediately pay for charges around 200.00 he racked up calling the sex line, that was in 2006. He promised to never do it again. I never fully trusted him again especially when I came across an email from his ashley madison acct. Never did say anything and then there were more calls I kept inside. I just can’t take it anymore. Our security camera would be unplugged about the same time everyday making me very suspious. Finally decided to get the call log of our cellphone it only goes back to June. He has been calling all different numbers almost everyday trying to find free ones. He has one he would spend a lot of time on but our calling plan changed preventing him from calling that number so he has tried to find another. He did buy a gift card I found in his wallet he used to call red hot dateline. He also went on free live web cams online. I don’t think he knows that I know so much. I have been gathering a lot of information so I can confront him with lots of evidence and walk out on our marriage. I am so tired of my broken heart and he acts like everything is fine saying he loves me. If I say anything about cheating he gets so defensive and turns it around on me. I have never even thought about being with anyone else.
    He even called the chatline the way after our anniversary and on Valentine’s day what a piece of s***.