Over the last few months I have been looking for resources on how to cope with being a partner to a porn addict, and I finally came across this website. I want to share my story in the hopes that maybe I will be able to get some form of closure from doing this, and maybe some advice from people who have been in my situation.
When I first met my partner, it felt like we just connected, he had so many great qualities and I felt so comfortable being with him. We had sex for the first time very early on when we met and it was a very painful experience for me, and I was very confused by this, but thought that maybe it was a mistake because I hadn’t formed a deep emotional attachment to him as yet. We both decided to wait for a few months before having sex again. I had known that he watched porn and did not have any problems with it, if he wanted to pleasure himself on his own, then he was entitled to do so. As our relationship progressed, I was so incredibly happy to be with him, but I always had this insecure feeling when it came to other women, I would always feel like he would be looking at other women whenever we went out in public. I questioned myself on this feeling, because I was not insecure in previous relationships, I convinced myself that I was being insecure for no reason.
When we started having sex, I was still experiencing a lot of pain, and it just was not enjoyable for me. I was so confused, “Why is this happening to me?” Many times during sex my partner would lose his erection or not orgasm or take forever to orgasm, most times when this would happen, I would be very understanding towards him and tell him that it’s ok, but inside I felt hurt and confused. “Why isn’t he turned on?” ,“What am I doing wrong?”, “Am I not good enough?” I went to the gynaecologist to speak about the pain during sex , I went to a sex therapist, I even started going for physio to help loosen my pelvic floor muscles. I did everything I could from my side to try and make our sex life better, and whilst the pain lessened, sex felt like a very disconnecting experience. There were times when my partner would just start mishandling me and throwing me around and I would just switch off, it felt like he was so focused on his goal of having an orgasm, that I felt like he was in his own head, not even thinking about me whilst he used my body. I felt very unsure as to how I would talk about these things with him, but I would try and tell him what I liked, and would try and ask him what he liked, what he wanted to try out, if he wanted to watch porn together, but it seemed like nothing I did really made a difference. Sometimes I would lie there while he did whatever he wanted with me and wonder, “If we are together forever, is this what sex is going to be like for the rest of my life?”
I remember dressing up in lingerie one day, and I was super excited to show him this after he had planned an amazing day of surprises together. I remember taking off my clothes to reveal what was on underneath, and being so disappointed by the look on his face. He didn’t seem turned on, or like he wanted me, or even happy at the fact that I had dressed up for him. I felt so self-conscious that night, wondering what was wrong with my body and face that he didn’t seem to desire me. I had always thought that I had a really great figure and was pretty confident in my looks, but the sex and the fact that he never looked at my body when he would undress me, made me feel pretty horrible about myself.
After months of dating, he finally told me the words that every women wants to hear, “I love you”. I had felt so happy at hearing this, because it had taken him a while for him to reciprocate these feelings. The very next morning, he initiated me touching him in bed, I had just woken up and was using my hands and he was staring at my face the entire time, it felt like what I was doing wasn’t working, so I decided to give him oral sex and I could just sense some sort of movement above me and when I looked up, I could see that his eyes were trained on something behind me, I was so confused, “Was he looking at his phone?” The only thing that made sense for him to be looking at at a time like that, would be porn, “But he would never do that to me, that is so disrespectful, he just told me that he loved me.” Every time I looked up in that encounter I could sense that his gaze would shift from looking at something behind me to meeting my eyes. My soul was telling me that there was something wrong, but I was gaslighting myself that I was being paranoid and imagining these things. I noticed this happen a few times over the next few weeks and just couldn’t stand up for myself and ask what is he doing, until one day when it was very evident that he had his phone in his hand. When I asked him what he was doing, he said that he had just received a message from one of his team mates, and wanted to see what it was, since this was during work hours.
I was leaving the country as I had gotten a job overseas and we had said that we were going to try and figure the long distance thing out. The last day we spent together was very emotional, and on our way to the airport, I had his phone in my hand and happened to see that he had an app open with a picture of a naked woman. I was devastated. I asked him what it was and he tried making excuses and lying, eventually he told me that he had a secret social media account full of porn and that he would watch porn every single day, multiple times a day. I finally told him that I had noticed him having his phone in his hand and looking at something whilst we were sharing intimate moments together, he admitted to looking at pictures of other naked women behind my back as that was the only thing that would turn him on and make him orgasm. I was so crushed, heart-broken doesn’t even describe the feeling. We tried couples counselling, which he was very resistant to, and tried working on our relationship, but whenever I would ask him questions, he couldn’t give me answers, always answering with an “I don’t know what I was thinking”, just apologising and telling me that he is going to try and give porn up for the next month. Eventually when I said that I don’t want him to watch porn ever again, he was very upset by that, and when I asked where he sees himself regarding the porn habit, he said that he wants to control it. At that point I knew that I could no longer be with him. We broke up about two months ago, but I keep having these obsessive thoughts in my head every single day. I recently wrote him a long letter expressing a lot of things that I had been feeling throughout the relationship and asked him to respond to it. His response left me more broken than I had felt before. Although I appreciated that he was finally being honest with me, he told me that he would always look at other women that would walk passed, and fantasize about them. When we would be having sex or doing other sexual activities, he would fantasize about being with other women and imagine him having sex with them. He would look at porn behind my back so that he could orgasm. His Instagram following was filled with a bunch of half-naked girls and he would spend his days scrolling on this app and his secret porn account looking at these women all the time.
I feel so used and dehumanized by what he has done. I feel violated and as though my body was being used to fulfil his fantasies of being with other women. I feel less than a person at the moment, like I am worthless, inadequate and unattractive. I have been going for therapy, but sill struggle to survive every single day. My therapist has told me that I should go on anti-depressants because this is affecting my life so negatively. I try to love myself every day, but feel absolutely broken. Does anyone have any advice on how they were able to deal with a similar situation, because my life feels consumed by this.