Thank you so much for your website. I’m only a few weeks into finding out the truth about my husband’s Sex Addiction, so I’m still in the shock phase.
I met J a little over 2 years ago at a local hospital; he was a nurse and I was a volunteer on the weekends. For months, we talked and flirted and eventually he asked me out. I was a couple years out of an 8 year relationship and had finally gained all my confidence and independence back. J and I were totally completely honest about our pasts (at least I thought so). I knew from day one about his struggle with alcohol and drugs but he had just gotten his 4 year sobriety chip and attended weekly AA meetings with his sponsor.
I fell hard and fast for J. He would leave flowers on my doorstep, pick me up from work (even though I lived only a few blocks away), take me out all the time. He seemed so genuine and happy. I met all of his friends and loved them all. He charmed and won over everyone he met, including me. It was perfect. We moved in together officially after 5 months of dating, were engaged after 6, and married almost exactly one year after our first date.
Our first year of marriage brought a lot of ups and downs; J lost his job, we lost our dog, we moved cities after I was accepted into medical school, J got a new job (that he loved), we adopted a new dog, and things were starting to really come together by those last couple months.
Then 2 weeks ago, I came into the bedroom after a long evening of studying. J was on his iPhone (the thing was GLUED to his hand at all times) and I noticed he quickly turned off the screen. Nothing big. And there was NO reason for me to suspect anything at all. But for some reason, the next morning I went into his email account. I had NEVER done this before, but something in my gut was telling me that I was about to find something horrible. It took me about 30 sec. of searching through his sent emails to find various emails to people I didn’t recognize. I google searched 3 of them and they all came back as local “escorts.” I was shaking. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke him up and confronted him, “Are you cheating on me?” and of course the answer was no. J swore (and let me say for the record, he SWORE on his dead mother’s grave) that he never had or was having an extra-marital affairs of any sort. I had taken screen shots of the emails, and stored them where he couldn’t delete them. I showed him the emails. He still denied it; someone must have broken into his account, it was SPAM, I heard every excuse in the book. I was so sick that day. At one point I stole his phone when he wasn’t looking and looked through his applications. I found Craigslist and Backpage… both have escort/personal sections… but still it wasn’t “concrete” proof of anything.
He kept reassuring me that it was nothing and I should just drop it. He almost had me convinced…almost. But the next morning, I woke up early with the same feeling in my gut. I went online and went through his phone records…there was the proof. At last 10 calls/texts just from December all to local “escorts.” I woke him up again and just said, “it’s over.” I then asked him if there was anything he wanted to say and all he could mutter was, “I have a problem…” I took a shower, drove to school (it was to be my first day back at med school after winter break) and I went to see a school counselor. He got me appointments to get bloodwork done and also encouraged me to take some time away from school to process.
I went to my parent’s house and cried, puked, and cried some more. How could something so perfect be so horribly f*cked up? After multiple phone calls to the school counselor and even the dean, I decided to return and try to go back to school. After all, this has been my lifelong dream and at 31, I’m not getting any younger. I asked J to be out (he is currently living at a hotel) and now I am managing a 3BR, 2 ba house by myself and I am also taking care of our pets.
I am SO confused. I asked J to tell me the truth and I asked how many, how long. He said 2 1/2 years (so before we started dating) and over 30. How could this have been going on our entire relationship? How could I not see any signs of this? What am I supposed to do now? I KNOW that I should walk away. I KNOW that. But the truth is he made me the happiest I’ve ever been. But then was that really him at all?
Looking back, I feel like there were little signs that should have been red flags:
-I swear I saw him looking at personals on Craigslist but I didn’t say anything
-He had no boundaries with people. He was constantly getting other girl’s phone numbers and adding them on Facebook. I thought nothing of it — I really trusted him with all my heart. There was always some explanation — they were a girl in his class (he is studying to be a NP), a girl he worked with, someone he met who wanted to be a nurse… etc, etc.
-Our sex life was seriously lacking. At first, it was amazing, but it dropped off very fast. We didn’t have sex for 2 weeks before or after our wedding, including the wedding night. But again, there was always an excuse — anti-depressants, he’s tired from work, he has trouble with libido, etc. etc.
I do not blame myself because I know no one should have to police or monitor their significant other. This just sucks to no end. I wish there was a fast forward button so I could see what’s going to happen and I can start down that path right now. J texts and emails me at least once a day saying how sorry he is, how he has been to a therapist and attended SA meetings. I do believe he’s doing that but I can’t get over the fact that he has lied to me throughout our entire relationship. I feel like everything between us was a huge sham. I’m at a loss.