I have received some interesting comments over my previous post from women who declare that it is not their place, nor do they have the desire to ‘police’ their Sexually Addicted spouses and partners. Even COSA and the other Co-groups expound on the philosophy that those of us who monitor the behavior of the addict are somehow co-dependent or even co-addicts.
I find that idea curiously counter productive. It’s like telling us that we don’t have the right to protect ourselves. That we shouldn’t ensure that our lives are safe. That we shouldn’t do what we must to make certain that we are not blindsided once again with the horrors of infidelity and risky behaviors.
Sex Addiction is an escalating disorder. Sex Addicts require increasing amounts of new and different stimuli in order to get the same result. It is NOT UNUSUAL for male Sex Addicts to escalate from internet porn to actual sexual encounters, often with unprotected sex and then to homosexual encounters and pedophilia.
Monitoring is only necessary if you choose to stay in a relationship with a Sex Addict, and if the addict is committed to a recovery program. Let’s face it, if they are not committed to a recovery program they will continue to act out–so why bother monitoring?
If you have decided to stay in the relationship and have decided that monitoring is not for you, then you must at least be aware of the risks. If you choose to stay in a relationship with a Sex Addict, continue to have unprotected sex and are not monitoring their behavior you are betting your life that your Sex Addict partner or spouse will never stray again.
I don’t know any Sex Addict who has earned that much trust.
I just read this frightening article about the increase in HIV infections in women over 40. Other viral STDs like Genital Warts and Genital Herpes are incurable–you carry the virus for the rest of your life, and condoms do not offer complete protection from either of these two STDs. One in every five adults is infected with Genital Herpes and Genital Warts are responsible for over 90% of all cervical cancers.
Now, back to the monitoring. Let me explain exactly what I mean by ‘monitoring’. It’s nothing more than having access to all the information you need to make sure that you are not being deceived. That’s all–just access. Do you need to scrutinize all those credit card bills, phone logs and checking account statements every month? Of course not. But if you have a doubt, that access will certainly put your mind at ease–or validate your gut feeling. My counselor recommended a yearly lie detector test for the recovering Sex Addict husband of one of her clients. This couple has done this for three years now and their relationship is much stronger without those doubts about whether he is lying or not.
If your spouse or partner will not give you access to what you need and is not regularly attending counseling and/or 12 step meetings then I would truly doubt that they are sincere about their recovery. When a Sex Addict is committed to recovery and to rebuilding the relationship they are finally able to put aside their defensiveness about being watched and mistrusted. They take full accountability for what they have done and realize that they have a lot of work to do to rebuild the trust that they destroyed. Until they have that paradigm shift they are just not ready to tackle the hard work of recovery–and you are at risk.
Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms. ~ Kahill Gibran
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I see your point, totally. I am more on that side of the theory, as well. There are two warring points to treating the spouses of sex addict’s, at the moment: the trauma model, and the older 12-step version. I write about the trauma model fairly regularly on my blog– and that version is much more “protect yourself/get help” based.
For what it’s worth though, a lot of what S-Anon teaches is probably what your other comments were about– basically, to try not to obsess about what the addict is doing– is probably to keep our own sanity, first. My therapist, who is more a trauma perspective, believes that with plenty of boundaries and accountability (lie detector tests, etc), trust CAN eventually be re-built– and the desire, and need, to check-up on the addict goes away. I think this is probably true as well, based on some fabulous recovery that I’ve been lucky to witness in other relationships. My relationship though, is ending– my addict is not recovering. I’m getting a divorce. And when I’m not sad, I’m counting my lucky stars!
I discovered my husband is a “Compulsive Liar” which is another addiction-he pasted a polygraph-he shouldn’t have! based on his own counseling with two other people.
He flat-lined on LVA-Layered Voice Analyst-in the area of Emotions-he was at 0%/100% (LiarCard.com).
He beleives what his thinks and says-it can change from one sentence to another.
I am handling everything better since I know-I don’t feel so Crazy.
The latest genuine lie tech is eye movement, U of UT Research article.
Our Clergy and Counselor both support not even talking about it anymore.
He has rewritten our history, minimizes the damage to me-he isn’t able to-he is stuck-he is in Abstinence, not Recovery-switching addictions-and everything is my fault-Again. There is healthy Codependency-I know the difference-working on Masters-taking Cert. Addictionology-faith based 12-Steps-do a couple different ones, etc.
I think we have lost what could have been-I cannot do this anymore.
SoulInTheSun
Evelyn,
I am so sorry that you are going through this hell. It is the loss of a dream– but as you can see over and over it was an illusion that never really existed and I am so very sorry for your loss and pain.
My ex friend was also a compulsive liar and he did not even realize it (most of the time). One thing I did after catching him in some of the lies was to make up phony profiles and chat with him as “other” women. (I realize that this in and of itself is pretty crazy behavior on my part, but I just wanted to see how far he would go thinking he was chatting with “someone else”.)and yes, he went ALL OUT trying to seduce this “new” conquest. ugh. Talk about self-flagellation.(metaphorically, speaking, of course) Then, he would get back to the real me and brag about this “new” woman (which of course, was hurtful in and of itself, even if she didn’t exist!) who was showing interest in him… but my main point is that at least half of what he told me was a complete and utter fabrication of what “we” really had chatted about! Lies and fabrication just came spewing out of his mouth like hot molten lava out of an active volcano. Sometimes, he would lie to me, in person and I would pay attention to what his face and body did during his story. It was quite fascinating how his language took on an almost impressionistic quality, as he would interject small phrases that had no basis in any reality whatsoever.
It is a year now, since I last saw him and he is still sick (despite a “I’ll do whatever you need me to do” stint in rehab, etc.) and his partner is still refusing to accept it,(as least as far as I know, but thankfully can no longer verify, but based on his frequent ads on Craig’s List) Recently, I have done a visualization whereby I “see them” as being genuinely and healthfully loving towards the other and healed. I know that may sound strange, but it feels good to me. Even if they aren’t, it helps me to see them as being well and happy and truly recovered from this horrible disease. Then, at least, all will have not been for naught.
As for me— I don’t know. I really don’t. But, I’m not feeling as hurt or as angry and that’s a step in the right direction.
xo,
Lorraine
HI everyone,
I had a long talk with my husband last night about my post on the “shallow end of recovery”, and also about the two men who posted on this site and who had “recovery blogs” with sexually explicit posts and ads for sex books and erotic material and available women etc.
The gist of our conversation was around the question of what sobriety really is, and what recovery means to some SA’s. He has been going to 5-6 meetings a week for 11 months now. Each meeting is a different group, with some people overlap (like him). He shared some of how the group operates without breaking any confidentialities.
On sobriety—it means pursuing no activity with arousal triggers in it, and avoiding all arousal templates. If that sounds difficult, in our culture, it is. My husband does not look at TV wihtout me, and we only have “basic”, he avoids shopping malls with posters of sexed-up women, and would never go near the internet unless he is at work (to decrease this need, he also assigned someone else the job of the website he managed for his learning centre), or in public library where stringent controls prevent addicts following their muse. If people are in real relationships that include sexual intimacy–that is okay, as long as they are not using their partner as a fantasy tool. Clearly, that last one is hard to police, but it’s there.
On Recovery—My husband is in a 12 step SA program, and his therapist also works out of that model. After 11 months, he knows it like the back of his hand. He also knows how the meetings are supposed to run, what’s okay and what’s not okay, etc. He has watched lots of people come and go, heard all the lies, as well as the hard truths. He knows, for example, that some guys use “recovery” as a balancing tool to even out their addictive behaviours. Fewer extreme activities, but engagement still in certain ones. He knows that blaming and attacking the wife or partner is very common–although the rules say the addict is to only talk about himself/herself. They will persist with this blaming/attacking track anytime they think they might get away with it. And sometimes the group is too worn down to call them on it, and they get away with it. As for the “pride and ego” associated with recovery, apparently it’s well known. In his SA groups, they name it “he wants a parade”–meaning the SA in recovery thinks he deserves public admiration for entering recovery, and also believes he is now above any criticism whatsoever, and owes no woman (in particular) an explanation of any suspicious or inappropriate activities. For these guys, “being in recovery” is the get out of jail free card, or the get of my back card. I think that’s enough for now on recovery.
Then I described to my husband the activities of these two men who invaded JoAnn’s site, and read some of what they wrote to us, and what was on their sites. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head, and he was, for a moment, speechless. He wanted us all to know that NO ONE in his groups would be allowed to stay if they had websites like that. He said it was obvious that these men were protecting arousal triggers under the cover of a recovery blog, and the some recovering SA’s would lose their sobriety on those sites. He was appalled by the one guy who wrote about having sex with his wife, but also the other sexually explicit entries about acting out activities.
Here’s what he said about the excuses:
In 12 step SA, no sexually explicit language of any kind is permitted. EVER. These are triggers for men. So they can’t be used.
The moral inventory excuse used by one guy, is absolute crap. That step is always done confidentially with therapist, sponsor and finally one’s chosen confessor. There is no “show and tell” aspect to that step. EVER.
Also, he has found the evangelical religious person has the most trouble staying sober, because they pad their hard truth with so much de-focussing language about God that everytime they get close to their own sacred wound, they launch into these declarations about their faith and the sacred wounds of Jesus, and move away again. My husband is a very religious person in the same faith tradition, and he hates to see aspects of this faith impeding recovery.
He also says, however, that overall, SA saved his life. And the slow coming to awareness of how his addiction affected every aspect of his life is still ongoing. He hates looking back at the “shallow end of his recovery” and how he continued to abuse me. He told me about how the desire to preserve chunks of his life from the implication of “recovery” is a hard one to crack. The desire to compartmentalize the addiction is very strong.
So, that’s not the only truth to be told about how these guys work it out, what they throw at us along the way, and what itmeans to actually be sober. But I think it’s helpful when considering the whiny protests and personal attacks thrown at women who dare to question an SA about inappropriate behaviour. Dont’ expect them to like it when you do.
And don’t think I’m married to a saint. I’m not. He’s been a huge asshole and broken my heart. I have found forgiveness not that hard in the end, but reconciliation sticks in my throat still. The conversation we had last night was a real breakthrough because he learned more of what it’s like for women trying to support each other on JoAnn’s site, and even there, to still be expected to coddle SA’s splashing around in the shallow end. Some of you may think I’m a hard ass about this—you should have heard him.
It’s really important for women to trust the questions or hesitations about what’s going on. SA’s are counting on us doing the opposite.
on the journey still,
D.
I think there should be laws that persecute sex addicted husbands. It is attempted murder in my eyes. Nevermind the polls that say how the wives of SA’s endure more pain mentally than gangrape or losing a child. It is certainly the worst pain I have ever felt. There are no words to describe the agony and suffering.
i agree completely on the grounds that my husband had unprotected sex with a mulitude of partners and not only did he come home and have unprotected sex with me, but he did so when I was pregnant with his child. He put both of our lives at risk for any of the std’s out there. It should be considered attempted murder. If not attempted murder,reckless endangerment, child abuse??
He passed a lie detector test he should not have passed-by his own admissions to our counselor of 6 years and bishop. I feel I wasn’t considered for the hurt and trauma I waded through until we learned what was wrong. All I know is a history of porn-but it is mostly still in his head-I do not know his triggers, how bad it has been/is?! Does he have a double life.
I am to leave the subject and him alone about it. That isn’t going to change.
I cannot do this without being able to have trust.
Don’t think I can live with the not knowing-AND-do not have the faith or security of what he will or will not do.
He is the love of my life-loved him wide open like a child-he has compared me to past women, fixates on young thin girls/women. I look great for my age-he has learned to be “present” during sex-when there is any sex.
It is lonelier-to be with him-that to be alone-by myself.
Lived apart two years-don’t think we are going to make it.
Currently-I attend 3 faith based 12-steps a week-Helps me to let go of outcome of relationship-have no expectations of him-happier this way1