One of the Sisters on the Sisterhood of Support wrote a compelling article that I think will resonate with Partners of sex addicts who have discovered sex addiction in their relationship. Here is a short excerpt, Please click the ‘Continue Reading’ link to read the entire article.
A Partner of a sex addict speaks on sex addiction and that age old question that Partners always ask. Why?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. The new sisters who have recently discovered their husband’s sex addiction always ask this question. Why? ‘Why?’ is the killer question. And I’ve looked everywhere for the answer. We laugh and joke and call them names–the sex addicts, and that’s all good, but really… Why?
Why does a man choose hookers over his family? Why didn’t we see this major flaw in our husbands? Why do we stay and have nervous breakdowns when we find out? Why do therapists push us towards acknowledging our part? Why are we triggered? Why can’t we just walk out the door and never look back? Why do we seek help for them? Why do they blame us? Why do our friends and family want us to just get over it? Why did this man who watched me deliver our daughter/son leave the hospital and seek out a prostitue? And the winner is “why can’t they be helped?”
Think back when you first got married (maybe before kids and mortgages). If someone had asked you the question “what would you do if he cheated on you?”, I bet that 99.9% of us would have answered without hesitation “I’d kill him then leave him”. And we would have answered that way because we never believed for one second that he would actually cheat! We did not marry men that we thought were cheaters. We married nice guys, successful guys, little league coach type guys, church member guys, community oriented guys, lovable/funny/smart guys. Sure they had faults and so did/do we but cheating with whores and strippers with family money was NOT one of the faults. Risking our health with unprotected sex was not one of the faults. Stopping on the way home for happy ending massages was not one of the faults…. That we knew about.
Then when we find out that our husband has a life long habit of banging hookers (strippers /whatever) and we get the “I’m a sex addict” line. I’m so sorry. I love you. You’re the only real thing in my life. I need help. I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I’ll change. I’ve found God (who knew that God was on Milk Cartons with a call this number if seen?). I was abused as a child. I was molested as a child. My dad was an alcoholic. I never felt good enough for you. I was adopted…. It goes on and on and on. Every reason in the book (and some not) as an excuse for banging hookers. And then, after they have read the Spark notes on one of Patrick Carnes’ stupid books (or worse talk to a CSAT), we get….Well you werent sexy enough. You were never satisfied, You didn’t clean the house. I never had a voice (what does even mean? We all heard their voice in our marriages over and over). You have to take some blame here too. You loaded the dishwasher wrong. You let the dog drink loudly from the water bowl. My shirts were on the hanger wrong. You made roast and I hate pot roast, You wouldn’t have anal sex. You always have to be right. Nobody can make you happy. You’re impossible.You never appreciated me. You spent money on curtains for the house. You bought the kids new clothes so I deserved that hooker. At least I didn’t go golfing every weekend, that’s a real expensive hobby. And on and on…until you finally get the big ones (this is when you know for a fact that they’re crazy) ”the sun came up and it’s hot outside ” yes, that’s your fault too. When they spiral into this then run, do not walk, run away. Continue Reading…
Can I get an AMEN SISTER!
I love your candor. Somehow these men want us to believe their urges are any different than the average male. They are not…..but men that cherish their families learn to not act like animals. They do the work to stop this so-called addiction. They take an honest inventory of their character and morals. These men end up on this road because they make choices every step of the way to take care of their selfish desires whether that’s porn, affairs, prostitutes or whatever. These so called sex addicts remind me of dope addicts. Ultimately any escapism whether that’s sex, crack, heroin or whatever is about laziness, greed, selfishness, boredom, feelings of inadequacy, self-medicating and in the case of sex…it’s also fear of intimacy. Affairs, porn, etc. are a way for these “addicts” to feel wanted, admired, pursued, important, powerful, virile etc. without having to do any work to build, maintain, or repair a real relationship. This is not an addiction. Every human has free will to make choices. These people willfully & maliciously engage in deceit & lack respect, empathy or concern for the needs of others. It’s all about getting the next high. I know there are female sex addicts but a majority seem to be men. These are not real men. Real men take responsibility for their actions.
This is all brand new to me. I’ve never known anyone who does this type of thing. I am absolutely devestated and confused. Don’t know what to do
Yes, in the beginning I would’ve left. But not only am I 27 years in – I love him more than I did when we married. This pain is more than I can endure. He refuses therapy. Says he has stopped. Hates to see me cry. I knew I was never enough- I should’ve guessed a long time ago. He says he wants me to go to therapy but it seemed to make him mad when I told him what was talked about. I can’t live with this pain that is my every day and wondering every day if this is when he is leaving or this is when he tells me he slipped from recovery
I have recently said the same to my SA husband. Selfish!!
I discovered that my boyfriend of two years…the man I planned on marrying is a sex addict and rapist. I thought he was cheating, so I went through an old phone of his. It was then that I discovered he had been drugging and raping for for over a year. I have searched for other women that were raped by their sex addict and have not found one. I feel so alone and damaged.