Here is a story from a partner whose sex addict husband has secretly video taped her in the shower and while having sex without her knowledge for over 20 years. It is so difficult to read of such a violation of privacy. Here is her story. ~ JoAnn
I found your site after finding Tania’s very moving video. I was sobbing and simultaneously saying YES YES YES. Her story and comments gave me hope finally. Especially saying hope comes from HER.
I have been married for 26 years. My husband is 60 I am 53. We have two boys ages 19 and 24.
About 5 1/2 months ago my entire view/feelings of my husband and marriage changed in an instant. While looking for old videos of our children I found dvds and other video format cassettes containing, (I find this hard to put into words), over 20 YEARS of hidden video clips of me; in the shower, after the shower while naked, us making love, even, god help me, me using the bathroom.
I am ill and still in shock. He obviously has a serious problem. I have no idea what I DIDN’t find.
I tried to wait a day to get myself calmed down but couldn’t. When I confronted him with what I found, he (instead of falling to his knees in despair asking forgiveness) immediately got defensive, saying they were for his use only (who knows?) he did it because we didn’t have sex enough (OMG seriously; even if that were true it’s no excuse). Another reason he gave later (that dug him in to a deeper hole was that after the birth of our first son I wasn’t giving him enough attention. Classic .
Whatever; I am beyond hurt. No words really; my trust and everything are shattered. I am now seeing a csat therapist to just try and wrap my mind around this. It is ILLEGAL for god’s sake. What if our children (now 19 and 24) had ever found these??? The list goes on…
I tried the s-anon but they were definitely not for me. Too many God references or higher power reference and I’m not a believer in a higher power. Too many women who had been living in some insane circumstances for DECADES. I won’t do that
The next step which my husband hasn’t taken is for him to seek treatment but he hasn’t admitted he has a problem yet. He insists he is “not like those other guys”. The most I have gotten from him in almost 6 months is ” I’m very sorry. I made a mistake”
By the end of the summer, when my youngest son is hopefully settled somewhere again I will begin making further decisions about my life. (In the middle.of all of this my youngest who was away overseas at university had a breakdown and had to come home on a leave of absence. Also the only dog I’ve ever had died after a month of illness).
All.of these traumas in such a short spam brought on the worst case of eczema I’ve ever had.
Yeah.. they’re all “not like those other guys.” That’s what my husband said too. And you know what? They’re right. They aren’t like them; they’re worse!
I’m sorry for all of your losses and difficulties.
Please know that as craptastic as things are now, they will get better. Not with him. With you.
I am so sorry to hear about all of what you’re going through. Hopefully, you know that you’re far from alone.
I found out my partner of ten years was deeply embroiled in sexu all activities when he had a Major Stroke. Going through his phone to contact his family the night after the stroke, I found conversations with both men and women, zillions of explicit pix from Web sites, and pictures of me that he took while I slept. He sent pictures of my breasts to other men.
He has gone from “its none of your business” to ‘ please have mercy and forgive me”. Although he won’t discuss it with me so I am left with the impressions, suspicions, and my own deductions.
He is home now, but very sick. He says for me to be patient with him and we will talk, I doubt it.
Delta, I am so sorry for what you are going through. The shock of what you found, plus now you have to be his caregiver! I hope you can get help for YOURSELF during this. I highly recommend this website but also SOS Sisterhood of Support, which JoAnn also moderates. That website support group has been a life saver for me.
I just found out that my husband of 12 years has cheated on me and also thinks he’s got a ‘sex addiction!’ Same old story I’m afraid, hookers, happy ending massages, one night stands, years and years of porn, aswell as he says, an addiction to live sex chats with sending and receiving explicit photos.
We’ve already pin-pointed the crap childhood with a disconnected mother, and the fact that he probably has ADHD (like our son).
We have two children, 7 and 10 and I’m living abroad away from my UK home. I wanted to leave straight away but moving countries, homes and finding schools feels too frightening right now.
My husband confessed all and wants to make it work. He’s persuaded me to stay and try 6 months whilst he starts therapy.
Can’t say I’m feeling confident about the therapy… I’m also thinking to myself ‘he’s just a straight forward cheat’.
I’m not a religious person and I’m struggling to find anyone who has made it through this and kept their relationship working without a deep expectation that God is the answer.
Surely someone’s made it alone, haven’t they?
I am sending you love and virtual hugs.
Dear Delta – I am so sorry. My story is similar. I have been married for what I thought were 24 wonderful years. He could be a jerk but its not all rainbows and unicorns… Then while I was waiting for him to join my daughter and I in Disneyland I got a phone call from the police he had been shot in a home invasion. I dropped everything and flew back to the UK to be with him. Whilst he was being treated for the gunshot the doctors ran the usual blood tests and came up with something odd. The wanted to eliminate all the possibilities so they told him they would have to run a full std panel as a matter of course. That night and into the early hours of February 14th he told me that it probably wouldn’t come back clean. Everytime he traveled for work, several times a year, he would frequent strip clubs and use prostitutes. The details have leaked out very slowly and I have a raging case of PTSD as a result. I then had to try and hide this from my eldest daughter who was doing important exams that summer. Turns out he had (?) a $45k online prostitutes with webcams habit as well…. trannys too! Of course I had to look after him in and out of hospital. we are still together and he is in therapy and we have just started couples again with a new councilor. We will see …. I so want to believe him when he tells me that he is going to kick this habit but he has been doing the strip clubs and prostitutes for 15 years…. the porn for longer…. the online webcab stuff for about 4 or 5 years… and then there are all the dating/hook up sites…. but,
Just wondering … how you ladies are doing more than a year later. Are you in recovery? Are you moving forward? Are you finding you CAN do it on your own?
I actually having the first year (after SEVEN) that I’m really, truly, doing well. My life is good; He is as far removed as he can be since we share five children.