Anne’s Story: He Never Tried To Save Our Marriage, All He Wanted Was Porn

My story started like so many of the stories I have read here, with him pursuing me.

I was a divorced single Mom working across the country from him. We met through business and became friendly through the update calls he would make to me over several weeks. Even then there were signs I missed. He constantly bragged about his skills in his position and teased me about mine. Several times he asked me for my personal email but I resisted. I had just come out of a bad marriage with a emotionally abusive person and I was in no hurry. Finally during a final phone call regarding our business deal I gave him my email address and forgot about it and him.

Late one snowy night just before Christmas I received an instant message on via email. I didn’t recognize the name and it took me a few to realize it was him. I was up late wrapping gifts for my son and closing out business email and it was almost midnight where I lived. I answered back and we ended up instant messaging back and forth for over 2 hours. Red flags were everywhere in that first conversation but I sailed right on past. I asked him why he was up and online so late and he responded that he had a hard time sleeping. He told me he had recently broken up with his live in girlfriend as she was cheating on him and moving in with another guy. He said she was home but in another room asleep. He said he had been distraught over the breakup at first but was so relieved he no longer had to worry where she was at night!!! In retrospect it’s hard to reconcile that this huge flag had been there from the start and I chose not to see it.

As I am sure you can all imagine, we began an email friendship for months. We became very close and would talk and instant message at night after my son was asleep. We shared everything as I never had with anyone else in my life. He became what I believed was a soul mate. He was everything I was searching for in life and all the bases were covered.

Finally we agreed to meet with him flying out to see me while my son was away for a spring break visit with his father. I was so nervous to meet him. When he got off that plane it was love at first site. Our long weekend was so romantic and we were more in love than I could imagine. He was perfect in every way that mattered to me at the time.

After our first visit we were desperate to be together again. It was decided that this time my son and I would fly off to see him and visit this new part of the country we had never been to. Again, it was idyllic, he was a knight in shining armor and I was so in love. Our visit ended with both him and me realizing we wanted more but could not continue this way across country.

I was looking for a change and wanted to get my son and me in a new happy environment so the decision was an easy one to make. My town home was put up for sale, I gave my resignation and he would fly out to move me across country while my son was visiting his father over the summer. He set it up for me to interview and I was hired by the company he worked for, we had a rental condo through friends and everything was in place.

Looking back there were red flags literally everywhere. I of course had only stars in my eyes. He was golden to me and I truly believed God wanted us to be together and had sent me this sweet angel. Once we became settled in it wasn’t long before he proposed, months really. Of course I said yes and the wedding plans were in full gear. We were married a few days before Valentines Day. All our family and friends were there and it was an awesome party. All I could see was him. He had become my world and he was so good and calm and kind, great with my son as well. I became pregnant on our wedding night. He was over the moon. Things were moving so quickly but they were good. Again, I didn’t seem to want to take time to notice the flags, so many flags.

Late one night during the early part of my pregnancy I awoke to find him not in bed. When I went to look for him he was in the living room on his laptop. When I asked what he was up to, he said he couldn’t sleep and was up playing computer games. Unconcerned I went back to bed but the pattern became more frequent and I became uneasy. Something wasn’t right I just wasn’t sure what, couldn’t quite put my finger on it what was bothering me.

Inevitably one night I came out and took him by surprise. He was on the computer and had several porn sites open. I was floored, speechless, and so hurt. I remember looking at him and I could feel my heart breaking. We argued and he became enraged and left the house. He didn’t return for several hours. When he did, he wasn’t really sorry about what had happened and in fact he was still angry that I had gotten so mad and yelled at him.

He had turned it around so that I felt guilty for yelling and screaming at him, the focus was off what he had done. I remember that night well because it’s the first time I remember that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. All those weeks I had asked him what he was doing and he had lied no just easily but so smoothly and all the while looking me straight in my eyes. It was like a visceral blow that staggered me.

Things went along okay after that and life was busy with a new baby and a pre-teen and full time work. We decided to move into a larger home and have room to spread out. Not long after we moved in to our new home our little girl, not yet a year old became very ill. Eventually she was diagnosed with a somewhat rare disease that caused this tiny child to produce huge multiple kidney stones. In a matter of a few short years we had weathered 14 surgeries! I was worn down.

Trying to work, care for her and my son and our home and the day to day stuff was overwhelming. The stress was intense and we had no family living near by to relieve us. It was during this time that I suspected he was watching porn again and masturbating. Our sex life was spotty at best and he seemed fine with that. It wasn’t until we made the decision for me to give up my career of 17 years and stay home that I really began to suspect there was something wrong.

I would awaken at night and find him on his computer, working he said. I would get up in the morning and find strange stains on the slip-covered furniture. Sometimes I would catch him up late at night, watching the TV but the channel was always changed before I could see what was happening. If confronted he always denied anything was wrong and turned the problem around on me. I was suspicious and didn’t trust him and was ruining our marriage.

By this time there was little to no intimacy. He had also increasingly begun to drink more and more. Most nights he fell asleep as soon as our daughter was in bed, sleeping in his chair.

One evening, returning home from dinner with friends, our daughter pulled a towel out from the pocket on the back of the car seat. When I took it from her, there was no question what was all over the towel. I became panicked. I felt the sweat pouring down the back of my neck, my mouth was dry and I was shaking. When we arrived home, he moved to immediately explain himself.

He showed me some porn DVDs he said he had been viewing in the car. He relayed a story of leaving for work and driving to empty parking lots near his building. He said he watched the porn and masturbated to it frequently. I was shocked. Curiously, instead of dealing with the porn in the car issue, I went right to “what would happen if you had been caught?”

He swore it would never happen again and said he was embarrassed. He said he was doing it because his sex drive was so low and he thought he might be having an erectile dysfunction thing going on. Sadly, or rather desperately I bought this line. Even went so far as to have him seen by a doctor. He said he was embarrassed by the porn but was worried something was wrong with his body!!! Stupidly I went right for it and even agreed to watch it with him if it would help with our intimacy. He didn’t really like that idea much.

We continued but it was becoming increasingly more obvious he was watching porn. Over a period of a few years we deteriorated into this sick pattern of him coming home from work, drinking during dinner and after, putting our daughter to bed, him falling instantly asleep on the chair, me awakening later to find him watching porn or on his computer.

On the rare occasions I would try for some intimacy he could not maintain and erection. Eventually we evolved into a situation where he barely spoke to me, was always working on his computer or asleep. Weekends he would find some excuse for a project that would keep him outside the house most of the days. We were fighting constantly. I would hold things in until I would explode and cry for days. He would ignore me and go off to work as though nothing was wrong. When he came home he was polite but distant. My heart was so sad.

Finally we had a major confrontation. He said he was aware he had a drinking issue but thought maybe I would be better without him. Days went by and I was despondent. He wasn’t sure he wanted to work on the marriage. I was in such despair. That weekend we had another blow out but this time I offered to overlook all if he would just work on us. If he would just go back to the guy I had married. We agreed there would be no fights, we he would talk to me more; I would wipe away my distrust. It worked for a month. We would sit on our front porch early morning before work and he would talk and talk. All about him; if I wanted to talk about us the conversation was over. There was still no intimacy whatsoever.

The end came after a month of this behavior. I couldn’t take it anymore. He was acting so bizarre. I came home to catch him on the computer. I had already found porn downloaded a few weeks previous, he had denied it was him. He became violent and I asked him to leave. He packed up and left in the morning. I didn’t hear from him for a week. When I did he was very strange and sad. He blamed me for most of what was wrong but said he had to work on him before he could work on us. I agreed and desperately agreed to take some of the blame for my yelling and screaming at him. Another week went by and the next call was different. He said he didn’t want our marriage. He said my disappointment in him had caused him to lie to me. He asked for a divorce. I was beyond devastation.

He immediately moved into his own apartment 45 minutes away from us. Finally with no word from him, my friends and family convinced me to file for divorce. He wasn’t coming back.

Unlike all of you, my husband never tried to save our marriage. In fact, weeks after he moved out, he admitted he had been carrying on an affair for over a year. He told me he had met her in the smoking area of building where they worked. He said they would meet at lunch and have sex in his car. He went on to tell me her age and that she was separated from her husband and even had two kids of her own. He told me he believed he was in love with her and wanted a relationship with her. Needless to say, my life and my daughter’s life have been shattered. Not once had he said he was sorry or done anything to indicate remorse. He has refused counseling with me and would not agree to a separation.

Today I am trying to survive. At present he has asked the court for almost no support for me. He wants our home sold and the proceeds split. He wants me to have half our debt and he wants to keep all his stock options.

After 5 months I recently found a job. I have been blessed with great friends and family who support me. I am reeling from all of this. Most nights I awaken crying with him on my mind. It is all I talk about and think about. I cannot believe I am here today. I am so devastated and sad. Our first divorce hearing was this week; he was unemotional, even bringing his computer to work on while he waited!

We only email. He goes between cold and syrupy sweet. I feel so broken inside and the pain at times in almost too much. I know that even if he did want to come back there is no future, yet I still miss him. Everyone said I would get angry and hate him. Oddly, I don’t. All I feel, if I feel is deeply sad. My family wants me to move on and get over him, I just don’t know how.

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Responses

  1. Anne I feel for you. I went through a similar kind of divorce with my first husband. He wasn’t into porn, or a sex addict… on the contrary… he simply had no place in his life for sex. Either way – everything in the marriage was my fault. He took offense at just about everything I ever said to him. If he turned the wrong way driving, and I didn’t say anything for a few blocks or if he didn’t get up in the morning to get somewhere on time – it was my fault. When he left he just walked out he maintained a separation for a year while I waited. He’d go months without contact. When he finally served me the divorce papers there was no remorse. He told me that it was “him not me” but he didn’t sound convincing. After that there was nothing. No contact, no apology, no remorse. For a long time I hoped that just maybe one day he’d have that little lightbulb come on and he would atleast tell me he was sorry… or that made a huge mistake… or that maybe I was the best thing to ever come along in his life of bad luck and poor choices. But narcissism doesn’t work that way. To a narcissist no one is more important than themselves. Every action they take puts them one step closer to perfection – and screw ups have to be blamed on others to keep themselves spotless. Add sex addiction to a man like that and you have an explosive combination.

    Once you fully have time to digest your new reality and future path you will see a few things. One, that his addiction was not your fault, two, that you are a good person despite missing the “flags” and that your marriage wasn’t a mistake it was a learning experience and a chance for you to get your beautiful daughter. Three, that this beast by walking away and leaving you has actually done you the biggest favor of your life. It may hurt now… but what do you really miss? HIm? or the future you hoped to have with him? You can build another brighter future… and you’ll see just how well you’re doing in a few years when you look at him and see the mess he’s made of his life, and then you will thank god with a smile that he has saved you from life with this man. I’ve lived it… and the other end of the tunnel is much brighter.

  2. You have been given no control, voice, option, choice, consideration….absolutely nothing.
    You could be writing my story. My heart breaks for you, but I can tell you as I lived it myself, that you will find happiness, but in a new life with your old self. Your marriage sounds very lonely, except for the whirlwind at the beginning….the dream they hook us with. It was not real, what he presented himself to be. You know this now. Don’t forget it.
    How to survive? Take control. Don’t count on him for anything. Set up things legally for what benefits you and your children.
    Use the violence and infidelity in court. Get everything court ordered, not just lawyer agreements.
    I almost died when I realized through all the same horrible stuff, I could not afford my dream home I cleared the land and built. In fact, his butt moved back into it when I had to move out, and now it is the frigging playboy mansion. But he degraded it all and I don’t want him at all or that place…have not set eyes on it in two years and bought my own house…..that felt really good! And he hated that, I was not supposed to do well you know. But, once you leave it, don’t look back, and things actually get easier. Set yourself up really nice somewhere new and again, don’t look back. Dream and plan again, on your terms.
    I really worry about the porn around your children too. The excessive talking about himself and you were “not allowed” to talk about “us”! That is about as abusive and controlling as it gets….you are not even allowed to speak to your husband? Then the way he changes your very thoughts, the way he blames you, and I bet it all came out of the blue too. Right?
    I see nothing healthy about anything in him and nowhere do I see a man, a father, a husband…..he was supposed to protect and love his family and he not only didn’t but did everything against you and the children.
    Take control, don’t let him have control of you anymore.
    I am wishing you well, and I just know in my situation which is so much like yours, the only thing that got me out of the deep sad despair and shock pit was taking control of my own life and learning to make plans and a new life without him. Hanging on will devastate you.

  3. Oh (((Anne))),

    My blood started going cold in the beginning, the way he slithered on his belly into your life only to suck up your very soul to use in the place where he has none. Pity your successor. He will do the same to her, and the next one and the one after that. You are free and thank your lucky stars!!!

    I know— you long for that person he was pretending to be in the beginning. We all do. So “romantic” and “loving”, “deeply caring”… soulmates. gag. barf.

    I’m so so sorry that this hideous sicko psycho came into your life. You will recover. It just takes a lot of time and please know that you are NOT alone.

    All my best,

    Lorraine

  4. Anne,

    Its frightening how things can be so similar for all of us.

    The whole porn & erectile problem..I had the same shovel full fed to me as well. The no sex, the no talking, the drinking, him on the internet for hours in the evening .. that was my life for the past couple years.

    It makes me sick that he up and walked out on you. Well, everything makes me sick, but to walk out on his child, without a care in the world. He’s not only an SA, he’s got some serious mental problems. I hope you see this, and it helps you deal with it.

    Please look after yourself dear one,

    Starry

  5. OMG. First the picture that you found JoAnn is priceless. Did you have to take this one yourself? I just cannot believe this one and what the picture itself says in relation to porn.

    Anne,
    I am always surprised what is brought out and what I see in stories. It never ceases to amaze me. Just because it had not yet been written, there are similar stories out there. Mine is very similar with the white night, sweeping me off my feet, loving the kids, loving me, etc. I like you thought that I was sooo lucky to have found this guy that loves me and my kids so much. I to had a not so great relationship before. The husband was also unemotional and our sexual relationship was not so great. So when this guy came he was soo different than the ex, appeared to care for me love me, the kids, on and on. You know what I mean.

    It faded slowly… first his jobs never panned out, he never contributed financially (atlease not nearly enough $5,000 for a year barely makes a car payment). But similar to your story it did not happen all at once, and happened after I was already hooked and we were married. Then he never helped out around the house, moved in after we were married. So no way to see this prior. He lived with his parents. Also no way to discover the ponr issue prior, as he also lived with his parents.

    I also so identify with the lying and the ease at which he did it and how good he was at it. My SA was/is the same. Straight faced look straight in your eyes and lie. No indication at all he was lying. Scarry!!! So like you i beleived him and felt that whatever the reason is was true…why would he lie to me? I have this great guy and he is so nice to me… LOL.

    So add to this story. The family with parents who are still married. The fact they also love my kids, of course this was before their own biological children, now they don’t care about them.

    So no its never in your face. You fall for the dream, which never existed. But that was the soul purpose and sale of the SA or husband.

    I am reading the book Emotional Unavailability. I am in the first chapter, and can identify already with several areas and the “types” she calls them. I definatley recommend this book. May put some closure to your situation and explain that you and I and many like us, never had what we thought we had. This was not our fault, this was the intent of the other side. It was not accidental. The SA or husband was never really there emotionally.

    I am still waiting for that guy to return. But the fact is he never existed it was a mirage. And what I am left with is a mommies boy, with an addiction, and I contantly have to nag the crap out of him to work, and he has a minimum wage job. You see he has a four year degree, CNA certoficate, Bartending certificate and a massage therapist license as well. Is this any reason for him to make just over minimum wage, i think not. This man (use the term loosely here) has never stepped up to the plate. I keep remembering the past, and what I had hoped he would be. And please understand here. This is not completely just me making up what I wanted in the husband, the husband appeared to be these things, it was not made up. This husband never said i will never make any money and help out around the house and I have a pornography addiction. So I am not taking a guy, who I knew these things about, and am trying to change him. I never knew these things.

    So Anne it is tough that he did have the affiar, that he stepped out and did not try to repair the relationship. At this point sadly you had already served his purpose for you. He is a user and he is on to the next one, and there will be another after that and after that. My SA, who is similar to yours, has never wanted to go to counseling or group. He goes at my request, none of this was ever his idea, but nothing ever is with him. So let me tell you what you may have been saved from. While your situation is not so great you are thinking, think of this.

    Instead you could now have a Sex Addict in your life. Having this sex addict means, he is leaving porn on the computer, DVD’s, slips ups everywhere, kids are finding etc. You catch him. And now discover he has a pornogrpahy addiction. So then you feel you owe him more time because this must be what the issue was over the years. But you then find he has very little interest in changing or going to meetings, therapy, shares nothing of it with you, 9 months later there is NO CHANGE…you are still waiting. While the addict has supposedly stopped acting out, there has been no changes. As what I am looking for, and realized thanks to your post, is this man who never existed, it was what he made himself out to be to catch his next girlfiend/wife… i mean victim.

    So I think you have been saved from this life of limbo. Having to make a decision to stay or leave this “wonderfull man”. I know it stinks that he told you about the affair and that it happened, but yet i think you are fortunate that he did tell you. He stepped of the relationship logn ago, and quit frankly was never maybe in it ( I think that was the case with mine). Better to know than to live the rest of your life in a marriage, still wondering what is wrong, and that it must me you. That you must be too angry or critical. That is must be you who has the problem (no way to live) and then 8 years later find the affair. In this alternate ending the whole time the husbnad could have a second family, while you are married, you did not know about. So I think while you feel worse now you are better off in the end. Now you know how to spot the slimy creepy ones.

    Okay I say second family because two generations back in my husbands family his great granfdather did have a whole second family in CA. It was not found out until last year. It was kept a secret. He had another wife, kids, house. etc All while he was married to my SA’s great grandmother. They never divorced. So this happens, and it is totally a true reality that can happen. And my SA’s still maintains his family is fine 🙂

    Sorry this post is sooo long, but I really identify with the story.

  6. Just wanted to say I am sorry for what has happened to you, it must be devastating. I hope you find peace and happiness soon.

  7. Dear Anne,
    I just wanted to say, also, that I am sorry for you pain, it will get better:) I am struck when I read these posts by how many husbands/boyfriends SAY they want to work on the marriage and change and by how few actually do. It must be hurt a lot to have him not attempt to reconcile, but the other side to that story is that it is also very painful to have them say they want to and then continue doing what they want to, and maybe be smarter and more covert about in the process. It sounds as though you may be a little envious of those of us whose husbands are still here, professing that we are the most important things in their lives….but I want you to know that as a woman who falls into the latter category, I am a little envious of the clean break, and knowing where you stand and being able to leave all of that and everything he brings with him, behind. There aren’t any winners in this world of sex addiction except for the women who find themselves again and live a fulfilling life on their own terms and the children who get the help they need to stop this devastating cycle. And whether or not that happens depends on each of us, not on whether our husbands chose to stay or we chose to let them. The truth is that none of our SA’s are capable of actually caring about us unless they are in a truly in recovery.

    I am thinking about you and your children. You are already better off.
    Marie

  8. Anne,

    I find that I identify with elements of all the stories that I read on this site but I really identified with the part of your story where you said that you believed that he was your soul-mate and the part of knowing that there is no future but still missing him is soooo painful. It has been 3 months for me of NC with my SA and I still cry every single day, wanting to see him but knowing that it will just re-open the wound. As Lorraine said, we all long for that person that he was pretending to be at the beginning. Months ago, I stopped talking to all but one friend about my struggle – as you say, people tend to just want you get over it and move on and that’s what we want but how to speed up the process? As Lorraine said – we all long for that person that he was pretending to be at the beginning.
    I wonder….do these guys do this in a calculating way? Do they use their charm, etc to capture our hearts, knowing exactly how it will end? It blows me away to think that anyone can be that cruel. I am so sorry your are hurting, Anne. We are here for you. You will find that this site is a God-send. Blessings and strength to you.

  9. Has anyone ever heard of the Casanova Complex? The chase, the conquest, the first giddy feelings is what drives these men. That is all they can do. Risk, thrill, and lying makes it all possible.

  10. Yes I have. In this book I am reading it is called the romeo or romiette. Same type of behavior. They like the hunt, thirll, love the intital love (lust) feeling, but cannot be sustained. And then they get bored, go onto the next. Seems similar to Annes story and mine as well.

    Funny this similarity to this is also this addiction. The majority of us on here the SA engages in porn or prostitutes, girlfiends, several girlfriends, whatever the case. This is the constant repetition of the initial hunt, feelings, lust with meeting someone new and falling in “love”. Without any emotional attachement. I say “love” because it is anything but love. Its lust. Patrick Carnes shows a model of this in several of his books. They like the initial phase of the relationship, and repeat. Porn allows this first initial feeling and sex without even leaving the home or talking to anyone. It is sad. Wiht prostitutes is the actual sex, the finding, the meeting, the thrill, and sex; but still no emotion or attachment. It is a similar series of events; just a different setting. Its the thrill of the hunt, and being wanted. I think these are the feelings they crave, and keeps them going.

  11. When I use “being wanted” I mean being wanted by several women, several of whom are not your wife. “Wanted” in a sexually way by these women not the “i want a husband and a secure relationship sense”. It is a romp in the woods no strings attached, they are not looking for a relationship per say (or so the SA thinks). But we see here the flipside of what happens to these women of those romps, she is tossed aside with yesterdays trash (her feelings are completely disregarded). And the more women, riskier the better, and the earlier on the better when things are new. I know some posts the men have several girlfriends, several sexual partners, all at once. If they are not in person it can also be several women online, chats, emails. They (the women) are hunting, desire and want them. Some of them (the men) seem to crave the desire of several women. In other words the wife or girlfriend is just not enough (for an SA any). She is old dead weight. It does not matter how much she wants him, it will never be enough with an active addict. This is similar to that there is never “enough” alchohal to the alchoholic. Nothing can quench that appetite.

    These are my thoughts anyway, there may be no validity to them. But this is my opinion based on what I have read and what I see here.

  12. I think that was beautifully stated, Flora, and I agree with you 100%. I was “one of those cast aside” when my lover (predator) no longer was able to procure the thrill he desired when I put my foot down about not being with other men (and women). He lives with a gorgeous and very talented actress/dancer who is exceedingly sexy.(I’ve seen her dance, and she’s totally hot.) Any man would be thrilled to have her in his bed.

    For her partner,(the predatory sex addict), his partner has “issues” (obviously) but the reality is that there are simply NOT enough women on the face of the planet to satisfy his insatiable NEED to “explore” as he euphemistically puts it. He has convinced himself that he’s “refined/classy/educated”— a “good, nice, easy going guy” (per his advertisements on craig’s list) who is completely disease free.

    *NONE OF THESE GUYS ARE DISEASE FREE.* Every woman needs to have a pap smear and get tested for HPV, if you DON’T have it, its a Massive MIRACLE. There are many, many strains and its passed skin to skin, so unless your guy is entirely encased in latex, or you abstain from having sex with him, you ARE going to get it and there is no cure, once you get it. Sometimes it will go into remission, however. The dangerous kind, which actually has NO SYMPTOMS, is what usually leads to cervical cancer. My lover who claims to be DISEASE FREE, gave it to me. (I tested negative in 2008, just before I met him) The first time we had sex, I had a massive case of bacterial vaginosis. What was wrong with me?

    He is a suppurating whore! a cute whore, but a whore, nevertheless.

    These men are dangerous and they are very sick and the chances that they will no longer act out are virtually nil. I few weeks ago, this guy started writing on my blog and at first, I thought he seemed like a really nice guy— a sex addict yes, but a nice guy, who at 35 is an elementary school teacher (uh huh) married and has SIX CHILDREN. (shudder) However, after a few weeks of him writing me EVERY SINGLE DAY AND SOMETIMES MORE THAN ONCE, (and talking constantly about other women and sex with them and his wife, despite me telling him that I didn’t want to hear that) I realized that he was attempting to suck me into the vortex of his addiction and so I had to cut him COMPLETELY off and THEN, my lovelies, the dude became VERBALLY ABUSIVE by tell me that he HATED ME for ***ME*** making him care about me and that I should just “run– go and run” he said.

    Well, yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!!

    Love to all…

  13. Yep, soon as I found out about mine he lost it! Not sad, not truthful, just really pissed off that me his wife of 11 years dared to question him (busted him in uncountable lies and he just got more pissed).
    Okay, I have to admit, it was awful what I learned, but pretty damn funny how his delusions of grandeur made him think he could keep lying and even fabricate fake docs to explain things (busted him there too). He is so tragic it is comical. What I don’t like is that there are women he is still doing the same game to, and his maliciousness towards me continues, and he lies to my son. He has not set eyes on me in two years except an occasional court appearance, and still sends the most awful emails to me constantly, contacts people in my life trying to cause trouble or dig up dirt (none there, and he knows it which is why it is so strange)….he even got up with my now husband’s ex-wife who I do not even know and lives in another state.
    Why did he leave 3 years ago? He was not going to stop “being him” (his words) which was on some weeks 5 women a day, NOT including me. I made a calendar to show him how many women each day, and show one of his therapist, which lasted like a month, and ultimately my lawyer.:) 🙂 🙂 🙂 :).
    I do have some insight into his thinking, one of his therapists (went through three over a couple months) said he suspected Casanova Complex (also known as Romeo). There are like 5 types described. But they all have to use women and the attention to make them feel they are important, a man….but….they don’t care about the women. Any woman.
    Mine flat out told me he feels nothing when he lies. He even does it while holding you and looking you in the eyes…..he was a liar when I met him, and a liar through our whole marriage (now I know), and is STILL, lying to other women. He had told me he lies and cheats because he can.
    That’s all, he wants to and he can. He seemed so confused at my shock, and my asking how is it possible, how can a person lie every waking moment, to everyone. He did not get it. He just said he had to lie because if I knew all he did I would divorce him…..so I stated back, so you knew and decided to anyway, knowing full well, and making it okay by lying.
    Sick.
    I couldn’t, wouldn’t want to, cheat and lie.
    By the way, he tells everyone and me that I (me!) cheated (Oh, apparently I have cheated on everyone my whole life), I am an alcoholic, I am a drug addict, I am a liar, ummmm…..let’s see, I broke into his house twice, Lord, the list goes on. The most outrageous untrue things. I am near 50 and an educator and mother. No drugs, sometimes wine (thank goodness!), never cheated, have not even driven by my home I left two years ago, I only busted him lying……..and he is livid I know what he is about and was able to discover his lies. He is too smart for that and me too dumb you know!
    So with my ex there is a whole lot more going on with him than just sexual addiction. He has that, no doubt. But with him, he was born with things missing, major parts of humanity and he learned to work people to get through life and to use women as a way to somehow feel because it is just not there on its own. It is all he has ever known and can know
    Mine is a complete textbook narc and psychopath….there is no conscience at all and no empathy and he totally thinks he is perfect, super smart, and most laughable, a “good guy”.
    He hits women, he lies, he cheats on everyone, he rips off his parents for thousands lying to them, and he cannot, for anyone or anything, stop going to strip bars and being in the company of strippers …hundreds of thousands dollars in a few years, because he has to feel like the hottest guy, and hey, pay the strippers, they will hang all over you.
    But me, me finding out and putting my foot down that he get help, stop pron, strippers, other women and being abusive to me, and the marriage stays. He could not, would not, refused and left instead to be who he is.
    Thank God.
    If he had gotten help, had some remorse, something!, then there may have been help for him, and then ultimately us and our family. But since he cannot feel remorse, can’t happen. I do wish for all my sisters here, that your husbands are real men with simply and addiction, or treatable mental condition. Just beware, because there are some people that cannot be fixed.

  14. Lynn, glad to meet you! I thought I was the only one whose delusional husband spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in strip clubs.

  15. Glad to meet you too honest wife! Wish we had all met under better circumstances.
    But, it all is what it is, and we have each other to warn, console, realize that we all are just fine and trying to make sense of the illogical.
    Well, we never will make sense of it, but somehow we all need to come to some kind of balance while on a roller coaster we truly never expected or wanted.
    It gets better, but in the very quiet moments, even after 3 years for me, I still find I am in shock over it all and constantly on guard and scared. PTSD? yep, a therapist I went to said it was, and the courts too. The worse is when you have children with them, they never leave you alone then.