Hello Dear Sisters,

When I started this project two years ago I had no idea where this simple web site called Married To A Sex Addict would go or what it would become. We have grown from just a handful of visitors each month to over five thousand unique visitors every month and I am finally realizing my dream of creating a safe haven for women who are struggling with the pain of discovery of their partner’s Sexual Addiction.

But with growth comes growing pains. This site has become bloated, overloaded and difficult to navigate. It’s time to clean house and do some redecorating.

As I have always said, this site is for you. So, I’ve got my sleeves rolled up, my work clothes on and I am ready to reorganize. Now is your chance to raise your voice and tell me what you need.

This is just a brainstorming list that I came up with, I’m sure you can think of many more.  Just send your ideas in the comment section below and I’ll throw them all in a pot, stir them up and see what comes out.

It’s all in the planning stages now, so keep those suggestions coming.

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9 Responses

  1. Hello JoAnn,
    This site has been a Godsend to me. Just knowing that I’m not alone in this trying time brings great relief and some comfort. Youv’ve given us a lot to think about in helping you to redecorate the website. Off the top of my head, the first thing that comes to mind is having the ability to find someone locally to talk to. Whether it be in person or just by exchanging email addresses. I live in a remote area and a small gossipy (for lack of a better word) town. I don’t have many friends and I’d love the opportunity to find a friend nearby that has this one major thing in common with. Perhaps there’s a way to list our locations by city and state and then have an option as to whether we want to be contacted or not. Basically giving the option to have that information revealed or not. Does that make any sense?

  2. HI Joann,
    Your presence is a gift, thank you. I guess a couple of things I would like that I can’t find anywhere else as it relates to our situation. One is a live chat forum soemtimes real time is so helpful.

    Also I would like support of some form for women whose husbands have gotten caught in legal ramifications because of their addiction. When your husband or the father of your kids is arrested for any sex crime the shame and secrecy (or lack of secrecy) is unbearable. Some support or resources on how other women have handled that would be tremendous. I hope that was applicable.

    Lastly, I have a hardtime finding the general forums sometimes. If you want to post but don’t want to hijack onto to someone’s story. But that could be my lack of internet savvy.

    Hope that is somewhat helpful. Otherwise I am just happy you are here 🙂

  3. JoAnn,
    I would really like a forum of some type, perhaps Delphi style, so that we can share issues as they come up. Just like Annie said. I don’t want to hijack someone else’s thread. Within that forum, we could have a private, members only location.

    I think we could find another location for the polls. Interesting stuff but it’s the interaction with others I’m looking for. Having said that, I can’t commit to Live Chat due to nature of my situation.

    Will probably think of a dozen more once I shut this window 🙂


  4. First of all thank you for creating a safe space for betrayed spouses, a place where we can get some understanding. Like others have mentioned, I would like to have a forum where questions can be posed and topics for discussion created. I would keep the resources on the front page. Also I would like to have a VIP slot and invite specialists to come and answer questions at a scheduled time. Maybe have Dr. Steffens available once a month from 9-10 am or 7-8 pm. Have Carnes come and answer a couple of questions.

  5. Hi JoAnn,
    One of the main things I see that is an issue with the design of this websites is the posts. I see looking back that there are times when people post with questions, and no one responds. I don’t think it is because no one wanted to respond, but rather the posts get lost. Once they move off of the recent posts, they are difficult (almost impossible) to find. The one way I have found to keep track is to check the box for one which I have posted a comment and get the email when a response is posted. Otherwise I can’t find them again and they are lost.

    The black board system like they use for online college courses is a good system, but typically it is ugly. This one is nice; I like the graphics that you add and the story on the main page. Maybe there could be a link below the story, which then takes you to the threads for the discussion. I think this is the most cumbersome part. I hate to see people who really are in need, post once, never come back and no one ever replied to their post. It takes a lot of courage to make that initial post, hate to see them get lost.

    I think that you provide a lot of good resources already. Maybe some recommended reading. But the books you have written are just as good as anyone else. Maybe these readings could include other topics like personality disorders, emotional unavailability, books on lying and betrayal, etc. If you don’t want to just plug yourself anyway. Also could include books on separations, and healing separation contracts. Etc.

    A rough plan of “what to do in the first month, 6 months, year, whatever” would be neat. I know nothing is cut and dry but if I could save others from what I went through for the first six months, that would be great. (I did not find this site until this past summer, many months after D-day). Kind of like a crises plan after finding out. Examples: get tested for STD’s, install software on the computer, remove pornography from the house, create your own safe zone, its okay to kick your husband out, you deserve a period of cooling off, a write up to confirm your feelings and that you are okay that your body is doing what is necessary, find yourself a therapist, that there is typically a 3 to 6 month period of abstinence recommended by many health professionals for the addict (saves us as well), that to start their real journey to recovery the SA need to attend therapy and 12 step meetings, this would have saved me three months of anguish (maybe include links to the 12 step sites for the addict).

    (Actually this would be an excellent BOOK. I did search books in the initial three months, bought a bunch, latched on to Patrick Carnes, but nothing for the wife. Books for the wife are all about how she is a co-dependent, never telling you what the hell you should do… but focus on yourself. Look back for childhood trauma, i can;t remember my childhood. So fat lot of good that does. This needs to be a tool kit, guide, nuts and bolts to get through the first couple months).

    I would attend meetings online led by you. I don’t think the price should be too steep. Many are paying out of pocket for therapist as well. Maybe $10-20 for a group for an hour+? I did check into what Marsha Means put together along while back. Hers was costly, although the initial talk with a coach and telling your story is free. Whatever the cost was I felt it was high, and made do with what I could find. And found this site at the time, and felt this was as good or better.

    A totaly private place to chat with members would be good. I think that many are afraid that the SA will read and find out what is going on here. I have that worry as well sometimes. But it will never be completely private, if we can get in and login, so can they. Which brings me to finding local people in the area to speak with. Maybe at the beginning you could connect people. And as it grows each state will have a coordinator who then can put people in touch, or are listed online. So we could volunteer membership through you (like I could do my state, or new england). So the head coordinator will lose anonymity, but everyone else who looks up, attends, or is a member is kept confidential. I do think it would be good to be able to find other people in your area to be friends with etc.

    Live chat would also be good. The format used by COSA was good. Starlink I think was the service. And it is free to use online, but not if you download it.

    I love the seminars and podcasts. I love the podcasts with Barbara. These were really great. I am not really sure about the famous right now. I have read the books, they are available for all already. If it is someone really interesting that has something new to say, maybe.

    I don’t see the need for anything to be eliminated. My favorite part is the sharing and the stories that everyone has. This is what has helped me the most, and do not want to lose it.

    Oh and my favorite color…..can’t forget. I like them all, especially color combos, like the fall trees now with the fire orange and red. It changes with the season.

    Thank You JoAnn

  6. Thanks everybody, keep those ideas coming.

    Flora, thanks for your excellent ideas-great minds think alike. I do understand the issue of comments being disorganized and difficult to find. This site has grown so quickly and the comments now number in the thousands.

    So, here’s how my thoughts are going concerning the reorganization. I have been spending many hours every day testing software for forums, chats, live meetings, etc. Anything that is really good is also very costly. That is why I am thinking of stripping this site down to a manageable format and then, in addition to the main site, having a secure (https), paid subscription area (I’m thinking around $15.00 or 20.00 a month to cover the costs with 24/7 access to the secure area for subscribers). The subscription area will have free live chat, forums, discounts on my eBooks and a safe and secure place to share phone numbers or e-mail addresses, etc.

    It would also offer free access for subscribers to twice monthly live meetings (1-2 hours each) where I would discuss a topic or have a live interview with someone of interest and then open it up for discussion. These topics could then be carried into the forum or among subscribers via the live chat line.

    For those who do not wish to subscribe, I would also allow them to sign up for any scheduled live meeting for maybe $10.00 each and have available recordings of the live meetings for maybe $5.00

    Barbara Steffens was gracious enough to give her interviews for free, but most people of any note do charge.

    These are just a few of my ideas, I have many more cooking! So, put your thinking caps on and send your suggestions. Some may be impossible to implement, but you never know unless you ask.

    Love to all.

  7. JoAnn, you’re working too hard this week, sweetie.
    Did the Recent Comments section used to be middle of the page? And today it’s along the left side. Looks good! Everyone has good suggestions — although with alot of techie things, I don’t really know what people are talking about until I get hands-on (what’s the word? kinetic learning?). I LOVE the pictures you add — today’s picture with Anne’s story is priceless — because I need all the good laughs I can get while married to a sex addict (or else i will go insane …). And the different colors make your site more personal. THANKS so much for all you’re doing~

  8. JoAnn,

    I like ALL of your ideas for the new website. One thing that I am particularly interested in is the ability to post a question, comment, or the need for support around a specific event. I am also interested in keeping current on scientific research.

    Thank you, JoAnn!

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