I received this story about a young woman who has a Sex Addict boyfriend. Her trauma and confusion is so heartbreaking, especially with a new baby in the mix. Please share your wisdom and support for Britta. ~ JoAnn
My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years now… last April we brought a beautiful baby boy into this world and he proposed to me at the baby shower in February. It was a fairytale proposal with all the family and friends there, balloons, a beautiful handwritten note about our relationship and what I mean to him and of course him, a knee and a ring. Our whole relationship has been about love and more importantly, friendship. We are each other’s best friend, always laughing, wrestling around and being in the outdoors whether it is camping, hiking, kayaking.. you name it. We have shared lost loved ones, family feuds, his grandmother’s diagnosis of severe Alzheimers and many more trying times, but times that have brought us closer together, our bond stronger than ever. People have always told us how perfect we are for each other, “soul mates” if you believe in that kind of thing.. and for awhile (maybe still) I believed it.
It all started a year into our relationship… (we will call him Tony)… Tony and I went to a bar together with some friends
to listen to a band and play some pool. We were sitting at a table and I just so happened to look to my right and on Tony’s phone, he was taking a picture of the girl’a ass in front of us. I was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM! Immediately I called him out on it and without a second’s hesitation completely denied it. Of course my response was, “show me your phone if you have nothing to hide.” He continued to deny it. I went to the restroom to take a moment to calm down and think about my next move, when I returned to our table he wanted to show me his phone. Oh how convenient. Did he think I wouldn’t know that obviously he had deleted the picture while I was absent from his presence? We called up the taxi and when we got home, he finally admitted to taking the alleged picture. I remember thinking, “where do I go from here?”.. we had just moved in together and let’s face it… I loved him. I decided to put it past us because he hadn’t cheated.. so it wasn’t that bad, right? I had no idea that was the beginning of things…
A year later I became pregnant.. (things up to this point were good.. no oops moments.. that I knew of anyways). Tony had this weird thing about passwords on his phone, computer.. pretty much any device that he could save things where I wouldn’t be able to access them. I’ve never been one to hide things from him, he knew the password to my phone and could access my computer at any time. Because he was so sneaky about his personal belongings, it made me think there was something he was hiding from me, so one night while he was sleeping, I looked into his phone. ( I saw his password over his shoulder one night). There were videos of a cute blonde checking out at the target cashier across from him. Just of her face, talking and laughing and then of course there were the pictures to go along with it of girls in spandex, skirts, pants.. pretty much anything that revealed the outline of their rear end. For the ones with skirts on, he had somehow pointed the camera up their skirt to reveal everything. I felt like I was going to vomit. I went outside and my legs gave out… I just sat there on all fours crying and trying to think, what do I do? What the “f” do I do? I have his baby in my belly and I can’t be with this man. He came outside and cried… called himself a sick piece of sh*t… he didn’t know why he does what he does and it’s the last time “he promises.” He said he loves me more than anything and he can’t lose me. I chose to believe him… because again, he hadn’t technically cheated and I loved him… so what he did wasn’t so bad, right? It gets worse…
During the pregnancy, Tony went to every single appointment, all the childbirth classes, he helped decorate the nursery and surprised me with little gadgets and toys for our soon to be son. I was never more in love with him than the day our son was born. We were a family… all things forgotten, he was my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my world.. and now the father of my perfect child. He stayed with me for the 3 days I was in the hospital, slept on the horribly uncomfortable cot right next to our bed and even went with our son for his circumcision because he didn’t want him to be alone. For the first few days home, we were in love with each other and our beautiful miracle. On the 5th day, we had our newly married friends come over for dinner and to see the baby. That night after they had left, Tony wanted to go for a few beers with his brother who was in town staying with us. When he came home that night at 3am, he was extremely drunk and acting unusual, so again, I looked into his phone. There was a video of our friend (the newly wed one) of her behind the whole time she was washing the dishes.. (while I had been in the bedroom feeding our 5 day old son!) and then there were pictures while he had been in the bar of girls dancing.. their rear ends and chests. Had he not promised that he was done?! He had proposed to me 2 months ago! We have a 5 day old son! When I woke Tony up, he was upset that I had looked into his phone.. he said that he erases them after he takes them.. it was his system of quitting his behavior. “why did you have to look in my phone?! I am dealing with it!” he yelled at me. I remember crying and looking at my newborn in my arms thinking, “what do I do?” I have a newborn baby and now I have to leave my fiancé. I wasn’t ready to share Christmases and only see my son every other week. He offered to go to counseling, whatever it took. He thinks he might be a nymphomaniac, but he wants.. he needs to change for us. So I chose to forgive my emotional, very apologetic man, because again… I love him so much.. and he hadn’t physically cheated..so it was still ok, right?
A baby definitely brings your relationship to a whole different level. There were tears of joy, anger, pain and frustration over the next couple of months. Tony and I were exhausted, fed up, but also trying to tackle this whole parenthood thing together. I had remembered Tony telling me our last argument how he takes pictures of girls off facebook, chive and other websites and sends them to his email. I had been dying to look into his email ever since. Well yesterday was my opportunity. There was all kinds of porn and pictures of girls flashing their chests, and a million different pictures of their lady parts (for lack of a better word). I knew Tony was incredibly into porn, but to save them to his email? I wasn’t going to turn my head from that. And that’s when I saw it… a craigslist ad in his email titled, “swap wife/gf pics.” I think my heart dropped into my stomach. I didn’t want to read it, but I had to. Tony emailed the original person’s ad saying, “How’s it goin man? I have a fiancé that I’m down to trade some pics of, I can’t do anything with her face, but everything else is a go.” The man’s response was, “hell yeah man, here is my email (with his personal email).. go ahead and send me a message and I’ll give ya my number.” I instantly ran into the bathroom and everything came up. My hands couldn’t stop shaking and my breathing was staggered… I went outside so that I could control my breathing. Tony came out and again started apologizing, and said “I swear, I never ended up sending anything, nor did I receive anything.. The last couple of weeks I have thought about who I want to be not only for you and our son, but who I want to be for me and I realized I could never do that to you. It was a stupid stupid thing I did when I was bored at work but I never mailed him back.” (which I believe him because there were no emails after the initial two). He continued to say, “that’s why 3 weeks ago, I said, ‘let’s do this! Let’s pick a date and get married.’ I have realized that I am in love with you and our family and I’m sick of being this asshole. I don’t like who I am anymore and I need to change.” I told him that I appreciate him not sending the pictures, but why did he do it in the first place? He thinks that because he didn’t send or receive anything that he should be off the hook a little bit and I told him that it’s just as bad that he had wanted to do it in the first place! That the email even took place! I told him that I felt incredibly violated and dirty. I was disgusted and my skin crawls just thinking about it. Yes he never physically cheated and yes I love him, but I just don’t know if it’s alright anymore. I told him I want the kind of man that wants to punch someone for wanting to look at me that way. I told him that he is supposed to be my man, the one who loves me, the one who I feel safest with, the one who protects me and instead he is trying to trade or sell me. I have a 4 month old son and I don’t know what to do anymore. I know that you all have a lot worse and heartbreaking stories than me. You may think, he never cheated on her so why is she so upset? But to me, he did cheat.. he did tear our family apart… trust is gone, promises are unheard and stories aren’t to be believed anymore. I have to now decide if what he is saying is true and he wants to and will change because he did come to the realization of what he has in his life isn’t worth losing.. or if this will just be something that will happen again and again which I will not be able to do.