C’s Discovery Of Her Husband’s Sex Addiction

Here’s a story I received a few months ago. Every story of Sex Addiction Discovery just breaks my heart.

cell phoneMy story:

It was January 17th and I had just spoken to my husband who was out of town on a business trip.  As usual I just tossed my phone on our bed after we said our goodbye’s, never bothering to actually touch the “end” button on the call.  I headed down stairs and made dinner for our two children.

After about thirty minutes I headed back up stirs to watch some TV, when I heard noises coming from my phone.  When I picked it up I thought my husband must be at dinner and his phone inadvertently called me back so I tried calling his name to get his attention.  As I continued to listen I started to make sense of the noise and my brain exploded with trying to make sense of what I was hearing.

I first I thought he was watching a porn on the TV, and immediately thought….no that would show up on the hotel bill.  Then I thought he must have rented a video.  Well, no there are not VCR’s or CD players in hotel rooms, and then it happened…my husband spoke….I held on intently for him to speak again and after several minutes he did speak again and I knew right then my life and marriage were over.

After my husband finished with his whore, I began to text him over and over to make his phone buzz to get his attention.  One word after another..HELLO..YOU..ARE..SO..DONE….and finally it was the prostitute who spoke up and asked “Is that your phone?”

My husband’s wonderful fun evening had just crashed down on him.  Despite me never wanting to speak with him again, he caught the very next flight to come home.  This was all exactly one year ago.

My husband over the course of two years had nine prostitutes.  He will tell you that, that phone call was the best thing that could have happened for him.  He will tell you that, in that moment he felt relieved and free from his double life.

Since that night I have read several Sex Addiction books, went into therapy for me and the complete devastation I was, and to some extent still, enduring.

Yes, everything leading up to and into Sex Addiction is very complicated; Horrible childhoods, physical and mental abuse, the extreme self hatred which allows a man to use a whore.

My therapist has put it this way, Men with psychological problems (their personal Trash) take their trash to the only place we know to take trash which is (The Dump), a prostitute.

So far I am still with my husband because he was in counseling that very week of getting caught.  He has worked very hard to be accountable.  He has shown time and time again how remorseful he is.

For me, I have no trust.  Wedding rings are just silly trinkets; they are not some magic force field that keeps anyone faithful.  We do not acknowledge any form of anniversary.  I would have to ask which anniversary, the first whore, the second whore..etc.. There are nine dates throughout the year where he enjoyed a prostitute.  We have no anniversary!  I have deleted two years worth of family pictures because every time I saw a picture my first question would be if he was cheating on me at that time.

I question so much, particularly if hanging in here with a Sex Addict is worth the heartache?

Thank you for giving me a forum to express some of my story.  Thank you

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Responses

  1. yes, yes, yes… horrible childhoods. poor baby. His father beat him every night and his mother told him he was a worthless piece of shit.

    yawn…

    WHO CARES WHY HE HAS THE NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH HOOKERS???

    WHO FUCKING CARES?

    what about you? who’s taking care of you? He the hell sure isn’t! He’s a selfish, self-serving dickwad.

    If he hates himself so much, then why didn’t he just join a monastery or something? Why doesn’t he self-flagellate (he might be doing that too). Why doesn’t he take up gardening or join a book club? no, he hates himself so much that he has to decimate his wife…

    put your life at risk, devastate YOUR heart and soul. That’s how much he hates himself!

    He’s REMORSEFUL?

    sure, he is.

    He’s sorry he got caught!!! That is all. You did not free him from anything! And somewhere, deep down, you understand this very clearly or you wouldn’t be writing us this very poignant letter.

    Is it ever worth it to stay and subsequently have your face punched in time and time again? (because that is one thing that is guaranteed)

    Yes, but only if you enjoy the pain.

    some actually do (even if they say they don’t) and it is not for me to judge. But I have a feelin’ that your one who would rather not endure that and I’m afraid that the only way out is to get out.

    Its okay to take your time, but don’t take too much time. Gather your strength and make your plan. please.

  2. I have a problem with that whole ‘taking the trash to the dump’ analogy. Women are not garbage cans, even if they get paid for sex. And if they were, that would mean I am a garbage can too, because my husband dumped plenty of his trash into me. Last I heard, people don’t normally have orgasms at the dump (although, with sex addicts, they very well might) and they don’t lie and blame and gaslight their wives when they have to drop something off there.

    Don’t buy everything the therapists are selling you.

  3. Dear C,
    I am so sorry that you are going through this, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I chose to respond because you asked if staying was worth the heartache. I stayed for 8 months working with my addict on his addiction and one month emotionally ping ponging (hence the name) before I left. Those 8 months were some of the most stressful of my life and I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was until a month or two after our breakup. While I can’t answer your question directly because everyone’s situation is different I can tell you the three realizations that allowed to me leave. 1- I attended couples in recovery with him and tried cosa. None of it helped and only made me feel worse. Every Sunday when I had to go to a meeting I felt like I was being marched in front of a firing squad. All of it felt broken and sad and depressing. It took me a long time to figure it out but what I realized was (and this is my personal opinion of the one I attended) was it was filled with people patting themselves on the back for mediocrity and the lack of personal responsibility was astounding. For instance my boyfriend once said to me (he never admitted to physically cheating, you can read my story on here) “I’m so happy I never physically cheated, that I got help before I crossed that line”. I was so angry at that statement was I really supposed to be happy about that? I mean he had done other stuff, stufd he shouldn’t have been. Stuff that I EXPECTED him NOT to be doing!! Was he happy I wasn’t a bank robber? 2- During those 8 months every time he said he had to talk to me with a serious face my stomach would turn. There was at least one time when during an argument he told me “you’re triggering me” as if I would be responsible for him acting out because I had upset him. I set him straight about that pretty fast but it struck me full force that this was his coping mechanism for when things got hard. That doesn’t sound so bad at first but here’s the thing, life is hard and it can be really stressful, besides normal stress do you need the extra concern that it might set him off? 3- I realized, like you that I had lost all trust. I remember lying there next to him one night and thinking, I wish this would just go away, that he would be cured and that it could all go back to how it was before. Then I realized that before wasn’t better, I was just ignorant and that I had completely missed it the first time, how would I ever see it if happened again? I wouldn’t I would have to trust someone who had already proved themself untrustworthy.

    C, I am six months out and I know I made the right decision. Whatever you decide don’t forget to love and take of yourself.

  4. C, I discovered my husband’s sex addiction almost ten years ago. I don’t think about it much anymore but he does still participate in weekly meetings so that he can maintain his sobriety. We had two brief (less than a minute) porn slips in the first two years but since then he has been sober. He also got into recovery as soon as he got caught and was very serious about it and stayed that way. He takes a yearly polygraph, at the recommendation of our therapist, to verify his sobriety to help me feel safe and keep him accountable. I came across this site recently and saw your story. I just wanted to chime in to let you know that some people do make it. It was so hard that first year, the first 6 months were the worst. My moods were all over the place and I was full of questions and doubts. But we got through it together. We had two great therapists and did an intensive that was very helpful. While my husband did sleep with prostitutes I don’t know how I would have handled it if I had had to hear it first hand. I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. My husband also said that getting caught was the best thing that could have happened to him since he was so ready to be free of the secrets but too scared to tell the truth and reach out for help. I am happily married today but it certainly wasn’t easy. In cases where the addict is sober and serious about recovery I think it is going to be hard whether you leave or stay. Sometimes it is worth it to try and see if the marriage can work. Other times it is best to leave. Only you can make that decision, but I recommend you take your time and remember you don’t have to make any comittments one way or the other. It is perfectly fine to say, I don’t know what I’m going to do right now.

    1. Thank you Hopeful …..It is fantastic to see a positive story come out of such devastation, Thank you so much for writing.

      We have not gone the polygraph route, but he recorded every therapy session for me, and those were difficult to listen to but I do feel he was so very honest, hurtful and honest. He also changed jobs asap for me so he no longer travels.

      Sounds like you have a Man of Honor.

  5. Hi Ladies,

    I appreciate that my story resonated and struck some emotion in others. It sure shook up and leveled my world very quickly. I wrote this account nearly two years ago and through a lot of pain, therapy, books, EMDR therapy..etc I am in a different place today and so is my husband.

    I still kinda like the trash analogy, because I do see prostitutes as sperm receptacles nothing more. It takes a great deal of self-hate to use a prostitute. A man who values himself and others will not be seeking out perpetuating evil.

    I am still married largely due to my husbands decisions to become a man of honor. It is his behavior that has changed drastically. He dove into his therapy, discovered all the why’s behind his behavior, he has become transparent and only through his transformation have I been able to stay and work on this marriage.

    I hope my story can be one of hope for others, not false hope, your spouse MUST do the work, but it can happen.

    Are things perfect today, no!, but our marriage is much better, it’s more honest than ever before.

    1. C, I feel compelled by the second paragraph of your response to respond. I agree with March, prostitutes are NOT garbage dumps. If nothing else they are PEOPLE, women, daughters, sisters and mothers. (Also on a side note the slave sex trade is still very much alive and kicking). Don’t you see that the “sperm receptacles” term is how the ADDICT sees the prostitute. He is only thinking about himself, not thinking about the prostitute, not thinking about his family, not thinking about you, NOT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING BUT HIMSELF. Visiting a prostitute speaks volumes about the ADDICT not the prostitute. It seems to me that you have villainized the prostitute and given your husband a pass. It also seems to me that you have bought into his delusion because its easier than to really think about what he did to you, to your marriage and to your trust. Your husband is a man who was able to turn a PERSON into a SPERM RECEPTACLE???? You can see a PERSON as a SPERM RECEPTACLE??? I understand that this is very confrontational and I realize I know nothing about you or your relationship, I just felt like someone punched me in the stomach when I read the lines “I do see prostitutes as sperm receptacles nothing more”. What a sad statement, I hope I have severely misunderstood what you meant.

    2. Statistically most prostitutes are sexual abuse survivors who are doing a form of trauma repetition.They were trained to think they are worthless and less than human by the way they were treated as children. hey were trained to think that their only value is as a sex object. Please have some compassion for your sisters. You have never walked a mile in their shoes. Many of them are also drug addicts, either to numb out to be able to emotionally tolerate their profession, or intentionally made into drug addicts by their pimps, to trap them in a vicious cycle they can not escape. It is an incredibly sad way to live. Lots of things in many areas of our culture train both men and women to view women predominantly as sex objects.

  6. I don’t think that a man who uses prostitutes necessarily hates himself. I think that more often than not, he “loves” himself quite a bit and feels entitled to do whatever the hell he wants. If anything, he hates women and seeks to control them. I understand however, that we all have a tendency to give all of this a clinical reason, and if we can just get to the bottom of THAT reason, we can FIX all of this. I have my doubts. But I certainly am not saying that its impossible, but I have heard so many stories such as yours C, where for years, she believed that her husband WAS walking the talk, only to find out that he never was, years later.

    I did not realize that you wrote your story two years ago. My husband was not interested in working on himself or finding out why he did what he did. He didn’t want to change and it would be folly to try and change him or anyone, so I left. I still worry about men who don’t seek help until they are caught.

  7. Sorry to be saying this, but sex addicts do not change. ever.

    Especially the ones who have taken the hooker route.

    My X to went to hookers, besides other women.

    For me whats most difficult to process and accept is the image of him talking with the pimp lady, asking for a girl, the price and the worst part, he actually getting out his wallet , counting the bills and handing them to the hooker.

    Like he was in a super market buying milk or water or whatever.

    Why and who the hooker is , is none of my concern,my issue is with the man who told me i was his soulmate.

    He has had sex with multiple other women , too.

    After breakdowns, PTSD etc etc with the help of therapy and working on myself i have reached a stage where even visualising him having sex with the hooker doesnt cause any pain or hurt.I have reached a level of indifference.

    But , to date, i cannot process the image of him handing over the bills to the hooker.

    That coldbloodedness and dehumanisation of his own self and the woman is what i am unable to process.

    That image makes me feel like throwing up, even today.

    A man who is used to hooker sex , is unlikely to be able to give it up completely.

    But, if there are men out there who have changed , i am more than happy to be proved wrong.

  8. My partner and I have been together for over four years and have one child. After our child was born, I would catch him in many lies regarding where he went etc. Then I noticed a # on in phone and when I looked it up on the internet, I found it was the number of a Call Girl. He claimed that he just calls them for the thrill and has never met with them. After pleading from him and couples therapy, I found more numbers of female escorts. Most recently, I’ve come to discover that he has been going to massage parlors. He has also been on extramarital affair websites. There is absolutely NO trust. I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I believe I’ve stuck it out this long because of our child, but I feel like our relationship is beyond repair, especially since he continues to lie even when confronted. I would not wish this kind of pain and embarassment on anyone.

  9. Hey there. I’ve been looking for a group to have an outlet of people that “get it”. My world came crashing down upon about 3 years ago. The hubs has always had a porn problem that I have never been comfortable with and have tried to help him with for years. And then, it happened. I have caught him on those damn dating for sex websites with profiles. About 3 years ago i was freaking out, I knew something wasn’t right, as if it was at all. He had taken the wife of a friend on a business trip only a few hours away. I found out by chance and was completely blown away. Up until that point I was deluded to think his problem was only with online porn etc. To this day he claims nothing happened. I’m sure I could go into the entire conversation but honestly its all mostly irrelevant. After that realization hit me I sat down and had him write out every indiscretion he did. After all the research a lot of them said acknowledgment was the key to getting over or recovering or whatever the hell it’s supposed to do. Well, that was a pointless exercise. You see we are pretty damn broke and cannot afford therapy of any kind. The town we live in is rural and does not really offer too much help for this type of situation so I knew then I was on my own. This man, if you want to call him that, has continued to look at porn, respond to Craigslist ads, checked out escorts, made more profiles to site soliciting sex and still claims to never have done anything physical with any other woman. What do I do with that? Mind you we have 4 wonderful children together. I’m in no position to just up and leave BC of my children but I also know by staying and constantly going through this cycle, about every 3 months is not healthy for me or for our children. I have been in a constant up and down depression for years now. I know I should leave and want to, but at what cost to my children? I’m so unhappy and know that I am worth so much more than to be treated to crappy. I feel i am disrespected daily because he chooses to behave this way even at my expressed unhappiness. I am at a loss here. I want a better life for me and my children but feel so stuck and am to the point of just giving a damn about my marriage at all. I roll through the motions daily. I have tried yelling, leaving for a night and nothing has worked. What the hell do you do with that? My kids deserve so much better but i know I cannot give that to them at present by myself. WHY?? In a way it’s like I’m definitely giving him the go ahead to just do what he wants no matter how hurt I am because of it. Actually,I did give him the go ahead. I’m just tired of trying to fight it. I’ve tried to help him and support him but I do not have the energy for it anymore. I’m physically here, but mentally I am preparing myself to actually leave him. Everything I have done has been for naught and i am just trying to get myself better to support my kids mentally, physically, and emotionally. Hell I’m 34 years old and just feel like the tables have turned and the chair ripped out from underneath me. I shouldn’t have to feel 2nd to all of this. I’m just lost and well….in a IDGAF mode. How can I come back from that? I’ve been spiraling down for so long I’m not even sure what to do anymore. So lost…..

    1. Does your husband know about and use the phone or on-line Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings? DO you think he even WANTS to quit his behavior??

    2. I am in the same situation but my step kids are older now. We are in debt up to our asses. I got a DUI and will have a lot of consequences for it. I drank too much and over medicated my self with my perscription drugs.I did this to escape what I face daily with my husbands addiction. I knew about it well before I married him yet married him anyway. he is a registered sex offender also so I have had to hide all this from family friends and work for 12 years now. only a few of my AA people and family members know the real truth.I am in counseling and AA. It helps but my counselor is not a sex addiction counselor. My husband has tried to seek help over the years but fails and says he can’t get better no hope. He has lost hope.So i’m finally ready to pick my ass up be accountable and get the hell out of here before this ship totally sinks in on him (us)
      Any words of encouragement would be helpful. Thank you

  10. Cat,

    please…PLEASE! the reason to leave is FOR the children. It is never a reason to stay when you are living with such a deviant being. What message are you conveying to them that living with a cheating, lying narcissistic freak who treats their mother like a POS is a good thing?

    There are no awards for martyrdom and whoever said that its better to keep the family intact is most likely a self-serving sex addict.

    Please find a counselor to help you with your depression and to navigate all of this. Someone who truly gets this and understands that your husband is an abusive pig.

    yes. he is. the real deal and hun, he’s draggin’ you down into the depths of hell right along with him. And as long as you stay in this marriage that is where you will have to stay. The only chance to get out of it is to take your precious children and LEAVE.

    Many SAs have trouble earning enough to support their family. Mine did too. and they lie through their teeth. Of course he has been with other women and maybe other men too. Please get some help even if its through your house of worship or some other source. There is help available even if you have no money.

    I’m so sorry that this is what you have to deal with, but that is why we are here. best, Kim

  11. ps: fvck the so-called “research.” he’s a personality disordered wingnut and the only chance for “recovery” is a brain transplant. BTW, I’m easily old enough to be your mother. (57) and I still feel (and look, through the grace of God) very young. Please do not waste another moment of your precious life on this idiot. I know that you feel stuck. So did I… for years… its muuuuch better… on the other side. (and its only been 5 months for me after a 25 year marriage!)

    I have never heard a woman say that she regretted leaving. never. The only thing I have ever heard is that she wished that she had done it sooner. I do too.

  12. C,

    I am so encourage by your story. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years (June 20th). We have a 8 month old baby girl. To make a long story short, I recently found out that my husband did not have just a few bad choices throughout our marriage, but that he is in fact a sex addict. He also found out at this time that he was a sex addict. For a while, he thought he was having multiple slip ups and didn’t know how to make it go away for good. He also made the statement that he is relieved that he is exposed and it’s out. We are still in the beginning stages. This all came out at the end of April 2013. My husband was very apologetic and has also agreed to go to treatment. In the meantime, he is meeting with the SA groups. I am too exhausted to tell my story over again in detail…but I can say that we are hopeful. He has a problem with porn, txt sex, chat rooms, and has had 1 physical affair that I know of. I am not going to be naive and assume there is not more…that’s just all I know of now and all he has disclosed to me. We are both christians and trust the Lord. I am not in anyway expecting this to be perfect in the end…..and I don’t even really know if our marriage is safe for the future…all I know is that we are on the same page about him needing to get help (treatment, counseling, support group) to even have a chance at recovery. That is where we are right not…and that’s it. I am willing to support him in treatment and also get help for myself and he is willing to go to treatment. That’s it so far…but i do believe this is a good starting point. We have separated for now. Our daughter is with me and my family and his have been helping me tremendously. Our goal is to get healing and recovery for my husband and me and to try to restore the marriage.

    C, I do want to agree with some of the posts that “people are people”. God made us in his image even those who practice prostitution. I don’t know every prostitute and their motives but they ARE people. Everyone has consequences for their actions and some consequences are worst than others…but we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. None of us deserve anything good..it is only by God’s grace and mercy that we are worthy in His sight. but i don’t want to focus on that statement you made necessarily. I just want to add to the encouragement of your recovery pathway and let the others know that they are not alone. This is obviously an increasing problem in today’s society but there is hope. My hope is in the Lord. and I do believe that the Lord puts others in our lives to help us through trauma like this (i.e. counseling, support groups, church family, treatment centers).

    I will never tell anyone to stay in a relationship or to leave a relationship….only to look to the Lord and seek Him for answers.

    Jenn

  13. Ok. So, the first time I wrote. I didn’t read all the post. I only want to make a few comments in response to some others.

    Life is hard and no one ever said it would be easy. I do feel that I must say this because I am a christian and I believe the word of God (Bible). We will face trials and tribulations….everyone! The trials are not all the same and don’t all have the same type of pain. What I do know is that God see’s our situation and He knows the end even in the beginning. Nothing is by chance. I agree with Kim that leaving or staying is an individual choice and each situation is different.

    However, Kimberly, I do not agree that it’s all about “You and who cares about him”. We all need the Lord and we are all forgiven of our sins. Even if you do not stay with your husband you should care. Don’t lower yourself to hatred and numbness towards your spouse. I do believe that our husbands, boyfriends… have self hatred and God can work in their lives to deal with that, if they are willing. and yes, Kim those who hate themselves normally cannot have love for others in a normal way. but trust me, it’s not because they love themselves. Even though it seems like they are only harming you and everyone else around them…..they are in fact, also, harming themselves. Just because they are not aware that they hate themselves does not mean that they don’t.

    The mind is very tricky…don’t trust your emotions but lean on every word of God. and I only say this because i struggle with hating my husband myself. I naturally want to make him feel like he made me feel…humiliated, hurt, betrayed, sad, angry, depressed….but I soon realized that feeling that way towards him will only hurt me further. We have to forgive….forgiveness will set us free from the need to hate..and many are not ready to forgive….i know even now i am still not ready to forgive completely…just being honest with myself…but that is what we must ultimately do and what God wants us to do….regardless if you stay together or not.

    Jenn

  14. Where does it say that I hate my husband? I don’t hate him at all! In fact, I still love him. Of course, I do. How could I not? I just hate some of the choices that he made and I refuse to stay with someone who treats me with such abject disregard. When I say its “all about you, who cares about him,” it is because I see a woman who has lost HERSELF completely because of her HUSBAND’S problem. Its not her problem and its definitely not THEIR problem, either. Its all his. So, if she even puts herself first, some of the time, she’ll possibly see her way clear to a healthier outcome. That’s all.

  15. ps. Yes, he does not love himself and its very sad. He has so many wonderful qualities, but you can’t replace something that was never there to begin with. and he also has no faith in anything higher than him. That paucity of spiritualism is the root of his problem, I believe.

  16. Kimberly,

    I am sorry. I re-read my post and I see how I may have come off wrong in my response. I don’t want to judge you for expressing your feelings. We (spouses and ex-spouses) are all in this together…and I should not have criticized what you shared. I am still in the beginning stages of dealing with all this also. So, I have much to learn from you all that have been dealing with this much longer. I do agree that no one should subject themselves to abuse and humiliation and if the addict is not willing to get any help, if that is what is going on

    I agree with you that having a faith base is key to recovery. If it is ok with you, I will pray that your husband finds the Lord.

    Jenn

  17. no problem at all Jenn. You’re a very kind woman. My husband is 61 and has spent a life-time believing that God does not exist. He doesn’t even think that there is even a remote possibility. He also doesn’t see himself as one of “them.” He came to this conclusion because he doesn’t go to strip clubs, or hookers or molest children. That’s like an alcoholic saying that he’s not an alky because he doesn’t drink whiskey or gin. He only drinks wine and beer. oh well. Thanks for responding.

  18. Nancy,

    First of all, I wrote my last post before I read yours and it was kind of uncanny, that I used the alcoholic analogy. I don’t think that you need a sex addiction counselor because you are not a sex addict! I applaud you that you have gathered the strength to see the situation for what it is and have also bravely sought your own help. Your husband has told already told you that he cannot get better. Believe him. This time, at least, he is telling you the truth. Yes, its sad. Yes, the ship is sinking. Its not too late for you, however and it takes a lot of courage to realize this for many. I promise you, that it may take some time, but your life WILL continue to improve, once you are free. best, Kim

  19. I THOUGHT my husband was remorseful in the first months after discovery. In fact, it was just another good manipulation. As a counselor said, he does a REALLY good “sad puppy” face. And I realized that I fell for it every time.

    I THOUGHT my husband was telling the truth about numbers and dates, only to have that information revised several times after family members came forward, or additional info was discovered on the internet.

    It took several years for me to finally recognize that he is a pathological liar, and no amount of prayer is going to change that. He will do anything to protect his addictions. I wasn’t ready to face that at first. At first, I believed he wanted to change and could change. I came to understand that he is unable to love and anything he does is based on self-preservation and getting what he wants.

    Your husband claimed nine prostitutes. Based on everything I’ve learned about our sex addicted husbands, unless he took a lie detector test, he probably gave you less than the truth.

    If I could turn back time and “redo”, I would have asked him to move out immediately until we got treatment. I would have gone to a treatment center with him and demanded a lie detector test. I would have made a list of necessary accountability items: such as reports from his counselors, verification from his SA group, internet protection, bank and cc card statements, etc. Yes, this would have invaded his privacy. I would have known whether he was committed to recovery or not based on his willingness to give up his privacy to save our marriage and family. If he objected, I would have filed for divorce immediately.

  20. H,

    You had me completely, especially in the third paragraph, which I wish could be front and center on page one in the NY Times, however, in regard the last paragraph, in retrospect, I wouldn’t bother with any of that soul destroying stuff, either and I will tell you why.

    Cheating of any kind whether it be compulsive or not, is abuse of the spouse in the context of a committed relationship. beginning. middle. end. The only possible (I said “possible”) exception would be a husband who came to ME and confessed before *I ever found out* and then, VOLUNTEERED to make everything open to me. (and I mean everything) He would accept FULL responsibility for HIS actions and would beg my forgiveness… then each and every day after that, for the rest of his life, he would move heaven and earth to make it up to me… and he would CHANGE, because HE DID NOT WANT TO BE THAT MAN ANY LONGER. but 100% of his own accord. Ever hear of this happening?

    Any other scenario, I would strongly recommend leaving unless, A) you want to join his party because secretly you are bi-sexual, gay or are ALSO a sex addict. (that could work)
    B) you don’t give a shit about what he does or doesn’t do. Maybe he’s very wealthy or something or you’re just happy to have someone else take him off of your hands…
    C) you made a deal with the devil.

    For any other reason to stay such as he actually wants and has the capacity to get better is as Tracy Schorn says… as rare as unicorns. In other words, it doesn’t happen. Save your time, money, endless soul sucking excruciating pain that this entire time you THOUGHT he was “healing” he was only getting more cunning about his activities, and cut your losses. yeah… it sucks… but staying sucks even more! a lot more!

  21. Kimberly,

    Thank God for you today. I needed to hear what you write here. Reading your posts have given me the strength and clarity to keep on breathing. GBU

  22. Can anyone out there contact me? I need to speak to Someone that understands. I’m so torn about continuing counseling and sticking this out. My world was shattered one month ago and the pain is getting worse. I need to hear from someone that loved their husband with every fiber and shocked over the discovery. I’m very concerned about healing and getting past the trauma. I know God can get me through this but I’m stuck not even wanting to cry out to Him. I hate this nasty ugly lustful stuff and have zero desire to understand it. My husband is begging for me to work this out but I see no happy place with him again. We have 9 children together and so many lives and futures at stake here. Is it possible to get past the pain, lies, and deception and just forgive?

  23. Paige,

    For more support, you might want to consider getting on the SOS portion of this site which is intended, just for that, but I’ll write something, just to tide you over.

    I don’t know how old you are or how old your NINE (!) children are, but assuming that they are all under age, you have quite a predicament on your hands. If you were young and childless, the standard response is to jump ship, however……….. that is a lot of children. What is your support system like? Do you have parents, siblings, other relatives and friends who could help you out on a consistent basis, if you were to divorce?

    I also don’t see that you will be happy staying married to this man, but… and this is a big but… it actually might be worse in your particular situation if you leave and I very rarely say this. As a mother of two sons and one with special needs, I am over often overwhelmed and I can’t even imagine what its like to have nine children. Being overwhelmed will not stand your children in good stead. And whenever it becomes too much to bear, you will be even more resentful and retraumatized to realize that the REASON that you are in this situation is because you were married to a selfish, immature twit who threw his entire family under the bus and for what?

    As for continuing counseling with him. Waste of time. He needs counseling and you need counseling, (to deal with your trauma and anger which it appears you are repressing) but not together. This is HIS problem, 100% and couple’s counseling is pointless.

    But, if you stay, this is YOUR show. YOU make the rules. YOU decide what the rules are. It is up to you to be clear and consistent in your expectations. Just the same as you do with your children. (he IS a child too!) :/ You do not have to have sex or even sleep in the same room (unless space is a problem.) Now, if you crave intimacy with this man, then you will need to protect yourself. As I am writing this, I am feeling very badly for you… because I see this as a damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But, I am thinking primarily of your nine children and their needs. I am absolutely LIVID that this man/child (I’m trying to be kind) is sooooooooooo incredibly SELFISH and DESTRUCTIVE. SHAME ON HIM!!! He is a sorry excuse for a man and an even sorrier excuse for a father. It is rare for these guys to change, but maybe through the grace of God, he can be one of those exceptions.

  24. Paige,

    I want to say to you…Yes He does. I found out about my husband around May 3rd 2013…and I felt just like you. Since then, the Lord has met me in so many ways. He (the Lord) really is my strength. He has brought me closer to Him through this. I do understand that your situation is a bit different with 9 children though. I also have a child (just one). However, your situtation God is able to provide you with everything you need to get through this. I was reminded recently that “storms” and “trials” were meant to go through…not to live in….if that makes sense. So, I don’t think it will be easy ( us going through this) but we are not alone. We have God and He knows exactly what we are going through.

    Also, not sure of your whole story…but I also love my husband dearly and he is getting ready to go to a treatment center for 8 months. It’s a christian sex addiction treatment center. We also have so many prayers from family and church friends. We have separated for the time being…for obviously reasons…but we are not getting a divorce. I’m not saying that divorce is not appropriate in some situations. but I do believe that if your husband is willing to get help, follow your rules, and really wants to be rid of this addiction then it is worth working on. (my opinion).

    I will pray for you and your family….i truly believe only the Lord can be your strength through this..and you’d be surprised how He comes through when we call on His name for help. I hope I was of some encouragement to you.

    Jenn

  25. Thank you Kimberly and Jenn. This is so difficult and it feels like no one would ever understand what I’m going through. It’s so nice to hear from others that understand.
    Our 9 children are combined. 5 mine, 4 his from previous marriages not ours together. We have only been married since March of this year!! But engaged for 3 years. He is a doctor and it appears took that doctor “complex” and abused many many boundaries. I found porn addiction, prostitutes, multiple sex site memberships and several nurse girlfriends in the hospital. The week I found all this mess I gave him one option with me. Check into a psych hospital or I’m walking. He did go and as I had suspected over the past month he was diagnoses with extreme bi-polar disorder. He was doing most of this behavior while maniac. This made me feel some relief but then instantly worse because now I’m in a marriage with a bi-polar sex addict man-child. I signed up for a lifetime with this man but I didn’t get to read the fine print. I am hurt and furious. We are both going to counseling but not together as a couple. We are seeing a sex add. specialist. Today is our “disclosure” meeting where we go over everything together with the counselor. I’d rather eat dirt and poke my eyeballs out with a fork than listen to all this. I’m having such a hard time accepting and grasping this liar and manipulator is my sweet husband I married. Now I feel trapped.
    Since all this he has given his life over to the Lord, completely changed in his entire mental process. I’m very happy for him and feel grateful he finally started his journey in serving the Lord and craving to be His light as God created him to be but sure is a little late for me. I’m so torn because I’ve felt an intimate relationship with God ever since I can remember but now I’m just shut down. I’m scared to death to even pray for my marriage bc I’m so scared of what God will tell me. I realize this journey is very difficult but quite possibly God has me here for a purpose much greater than my pain. I’m doing a Beth Moore study right now called Esther and I feel like by the end if the study (3 more weeks) I’ll have my answer. I do feel like I can do this sometimes and begin my healing process soon (that is if I don’t poke his eyes out with a fork after this disclosure meeting today). I’m mainly just feeling so much pain. If that starts to get somewhat better I may can deal with this but it’s been 5 weeks and the anger is getting worse. I was completely fooled and lied to.

  26. Paige,

    This is going to sound crazy but it does get better….but you are right, only with the Lord’s grace and strength. I am thrilled to hear your husband came to the Lord. I honestly believe he would not be able to deal with this problem and be delivered without the Lord. So, that’s encouragement in itself…but yes there is a long road ahead with the recovery from this addiction. I am now almost 3 months in to finding out and the pain has subsided tremendously since those first couple of weeks.

    I also was so afraid to cry out to the Lord….because i thought He would tell me 1) I made a mistake in marrying him 2) This is just my life…it won’t get better 3) or a divorce. All 3 were things I just did not want to imagine or admit as possibilities so I was just in shock for awhile, furious ( I wanted to kill my husband…or at least hurt him really badly), scared, angry (at husband and God), sad, depressed, you name it….and those feelings do still come from time to time now, but much less frequently. My experience has been that the Lord wants me to stay and work this out. However, there is also the element of free will. My husband has free will to do what he wants. So, he will have to make his own choice in continuing to follow the Lord. I believe he is attempting by going to counseling and being accountable, etc. I, just like you, strongly feel that the Lord is using this situation for a greater purpose. I am not even fully aware of what that is or what that means but I am trusting in Him. The hardest part was accepting and trusting the that fact that if my husband does not decide to pursue the Lord and deal with this, then God has to be enough for me…..and let me tell you, trusting in the Lord is the best feeling, ever. You can’t go wrong when the Lord is in control. 🙂

    I do believe that you guys are on the right track to have any success in the relationship and healing for your husband from this addiction. I was told by several counselors that: 1) We need to have separate counseling (he needs treatment for the addiction, you need counseling for the pain and betrayal) -this is HIS problem not yours and you did nothing to deserve this. It’s hard to understand because of the nature of the addiction, but this is not a marital problem. So, we don’t need marital counseling. At least, not in this stage of the game. 2) We were advised to separate for the time being-just for practical reasons (sexual safety,emotional safety and spiritual safety)….and so you won’t wake up in the middle of the night in a rage and just kill him (that one was my own reason :-)) 3) Be in constant prayer and reading the bible- this is probably the most important for the “betrayed spouse”. We can only fight this with the Lord. 4) Get some type of prayer buddy. Someone you feel comfortable sharing enough details to just pray with you. I am not sure about advise for the kids because my daughter is only 9 months and has no clue what’s going on. but i’m sure your counselor can give you advise about that.

    Paige, I cannot express enough how glad I am that you posted here. It is so easy to feel alone in this. So, it’s encouraging to know that others are sharing this experience and understand.

    If you like reading devotional books, one that I found very helping is “Streams in the Desert” 365 days reading devotional. It seems like each days reading was meant just for me. I can’t remember the author at the moment but i can post later if you are interested.

    Be strong in the Lord. “If we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us”.

    Jenn

  27. Paige,

    JoAnn is going to put the kabosh on this because we aren’t supposed to go back and forth, however, I would like to caution you on the “coming to the Lord” thing. While I certainly would love to be wrong, because I too, believe that a healthy spirituality is key to overcoming this, its highly, highly unlikely that he’s on the up and up on that front as well, and/or THAT, so-called spirituality becomes an addiction, too.

    And what are you? His third, fourth marriage? He’s “bi-polar?” maybe. I liked your “manic” typo that came out “maniac.” That sounds more like it!

    Hun, he’s a disordered wingnut and he is not going to get better. He can pray and believe all he wants but God can’t undo the mess he’s made of his brain. So, while you may be afraid to listen to God’s word, you already know what it is. Its what lives inside your heart before your head gets involved. Its what you are afraid of… because if you weren’t, you would just leave this cretin and pick up the pieces of your life that he’s done a great job of decimating. What would you tell your daughter? (I’m assuming that at least one of them is a girl.)

    The good news is that he’s a doctor! (at least for now, until he gets his license revoked). This is NOT the Brady bunch. Please do not be fooled by his new-found CON. (yes, I truly think that it is)

  28. Thanks Kimberly, yes, I have been watching this and watching my bandwidth since it is the end of the month and I am getting close to having the site shut down.

    I understand the need for advice, direction and support–that’s why I developed these sites and spend a ridiculous amount of time and money maintaining them. But please, if you need more personal support please join the Sisterhood of Support forums You can get six months of 24/7 support, friendship, advice, resources and wisdom for less than the cost of one hour with a counselor (not that I am knocking counselors, I definitely believe that all partners need their own counselor).. ~ JoAnn

  29. No one is commenting on here, about another reason for this Sex Addiction, Spoiled, overgrown little boys, my husband was so spoiled, he was never, ever taught a consequence, and therefore grew up to be a “me,me,me” is all that matters man.
    However, I left my SA, 11 months ago, and I did truly love him, I went to therapy, and discovered , I could still love him, and leave him. I had a question that was eating away at me, and no one could seem to give me an answer, one day I stumbled upon it myself, in Patrick Carnes book “Betrayal Bond”. How could I have allowed myself to be with this pervert? Yes, that was the question, The answer, I was addicted to him. Yes, imagine that, I was an addict . When I settled down, and truly thought about it, this was true. Why in the hell else would a sane woman want or keep this as a husband, it was true. I went about trying to recover, and I have!

  30. Reading all of your stories made me feel the need to tell mine. While I was not married to a sex addict I did just finish dating one. He ended up doing to me exactly what he did to his ex wives (2) ex girlfriends etc. I am so very far from being a stupid or naive girl. This is why my story shocks even myself.
    We only dated for 7 months. When we met he came out and told me on our 3rd date that he had gone to treatment for sex addiction. My first question was “what exactly were you addicted to?” If he would have said animal as, children or the like I would have ran faster than fast. He said he was addicted to escorts. He shared that he had gone to treatment twice…once for a week and another time for 4 or 5 weeks. He shared that his mothers push for perfection made him feel he was “not enough” and his ex wife cheated and said she married him out of guilt becuase he cheated on his 1st wife with her. of course now inrealize all of these tales were probably a lie, but regardless, i listened, gave him the chance. He said he was not perfect but it’s “progress not perfection.” Honestly, I have been dating for many years ‘ we are mid 40 s and both successful people. He is highly successful in that money is not even an issue at all for him. I felt that most men dating today are philanderers And if he was going to pay for an escort it wasn’t any different than picking up someone at a bar. Of course for some reason at that moment I overlooked the “cheating” part because in my mind I was thinking ” most single men are dogs anyway”. So we started dating. We were very exclusive right from the start. He figured out my needs (emotionally and physically) and preyed on them for a lack of a better word.after about 4 months he broke up completely out of the blue which hurt me tremendously. I felt it was because I knew of his need for attention from females. This was a man who literally did not have one make friend aside from business colleagues, but a trail of ex gf’s that either stalked him or hated him. I felt like he was breaking up because He knew he had my attention but he wanted to also have the others attentions. We parted briefly and then got back together, well sort of. He would not commit to me and during that time we dated each other and he claimed that he didnt have anyone else to date, that they were all just friends. He had given me the key to his penthouse once again so I felt I had the upper hand over these women ( again…preyed on my needs.) I never once had to ask him to do these things for me…he just paid a LOT of attention and knew what to do ( probably from years of lying his way through life very successfully.) long story short,he openly left his phone and private information out for me to see ( wondering if he wanted to get caught or if maybe he justvtrusted me) to very private information.i found out he had not only been hiring hookers ( and disgusting ones at that) while we were exclusive but he also had been contacting them via text the whole time we were dating. I also found out that yes, this was his pattern and he had been doing it for as long as the I could see…at least a year ( I know it was more like 5 years or more). . No matter who he was married to or who he was dating. He constantly was making appointments with hookers, and also ( what I found to be so odd) texting them constantly….like there were maybe 5 people on the list I made that were NOT coming up as escorts when i googled their number and exactly 27 that were escorts in 3 months. Pages and pages until all hours of the night of him texting them. When i wasnt with him he was always saying he was going to bed early. i knew he was one whonwent to bed early anyways but all i could think was he wanted tonget off the ohone w me sonhe could text hookers until 1 am! i alsonfound out he had made “friendships” (hahaha by the way) with them and had “loaned” several of them money!! so some of them knew they could get his cash without sleeping with them. unreal!
    said nothing. I did start to ask questions about his addiction( this was one week before our final blow up) and he mentioned that part of it was the chase..the hunting and choosing. He said typically escorts do not text so he thought of it as a coo to get them to text him. Then he also got off on picking and choosing who he wanted. Anyway, we went to church one day and I could not handle it any longer . I tolf

  31. Cont’d
    I told him I knew he had been “communicating” with more than one other woman. He tried to lie. I asked him not to. He apologized and said I was right. Then he asked how I knew. I said I looked at his phone. He was very angry ( so funny considering he should have been remorseful) and he asked when. I said it was when we were dating which was a total gift from god that I said that because I hadn’t been looking at it then. I literally had just found all of this info out. Long story short he tried to say nothing happened blah blah and then he said he did hire TWO hookers while we were exclusive. I was able to see that he had hired two by researching some things but one was when we were dating and one was after we broke up. He had made several attempts at hiring one but they never panned out, from what I could see which was not the whole truth I am sure. He trolls places online looking for them. They have sites where they can be verified. He had requested “okays” from them after he slept with them so other hookers would know he was legit. It’s truly sick. Oh but he did say ” just so you know I never put your health at risk ” GEE THANKS. How upstanding!! Just my heart and my childrrens hearts.
    Regardless, I have learned and he did say it was not a personal thing against me. I asked why he didnt just STOP? He said “if I knew how to fix it dont you think I would I’m much better then I was.” Ridiculous. I am so glad I got out when I did…but still very sad at losing someone I loved and thought was also my friend. Yes, I too formed an addiction to HIM. But when you love someone, aren’t you supposed to feel like you love them unconditionally? I am now reading the book “boundaries”….

  32. Kimberly,
    AMEN! You said it perfectly. They have all these “reasons” they are always the victim. What they are is predators. They need to inflate their already fucked up egos and the only way to do it is to pay someone to pay attention to you. I said to mine once ” how do you feel you are “enough” because you are paying a woman to pay attention to you? Wouldn’t you feel better knowing a non prostitute was doing that(such as myself )?” I don’t mean to sound stuck up but I’m a very attractive, hot woman. I have no problem finding a man to go out with. I even have a god given body that is of freaking porn star quality! i was way hotter then my ex bf.as we’re all of his ex gf’s and his ex wife was beautiful. You’d think that would be enough to pump his deflated ego and small penis up. But no. It wasn’t because of me..Wait….it’s because that is not what he suffers from…..”not being enough” …he suffers from a huge case of selfishness. I know it’s an “addiction” and no I do not think they can stop. They sex we had was by far wayyyymore fulfilling to him the the sex he had with skanky prostitutes ( that had just finished an appointment with someone else btw)…but he just had to feel like allllll the women wanted him. I mean really who is THAT fucked up to think these women WANT THEM?? They are business transactions. They want the $$. If he went broke he wouldn’t be able to hire hookers anymore. Then what on earth would he do? Probably get a $20 blow job on the street. I swear he makes me so sick…..when I think of his face and how I used to love looking into his eyes…I only see deceit and emptiness now in those memories. I am so done. Thank you all for letting me vent..I needed to share.

  33. My advice? GET OUT OF A MARRIAGE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES THIS!!! Staying married to a person this sick will just continue to make YOU sick. These men are, in my opinion, damaged to the very core. NO amount of therapy will keep them sober. Even if they give up porn or whores (which would be an absolute miracle) they turn to other addictions to blot out the pain of their reality. Staying married to this is a death sentence for you as YOUR health AND financial security will start to deteriorate unless you LEAVE and establish your own life (YOU WILL NEED LOTS OF COUNCELING FOR YOURSELF!!) Men like this are a sorry lot, and there are LOTS of them out there!