Double Deception–Jeannette’s Story Of What It’s Like To Be Married To A Gay Sex Addict

Here is my story, unfortunately there are no support groups here in Lafayette. Your site has helped tremendously.

What gives a sexually addicted gay man the right to marry a straight women without telling her?

My story began when I married my husband 19 years (in June). I had believed that I married a man who shared my value system, I thought he was the nicest, kindest person, honest, a man of integrity and I trusted him. Instead he was a deceiver, manipulator, liar and betrayer.

After 17 ½ years into the marriage he told me of his sexual orientation. The 1st thing he said to me is “If I could change it I would”. Based on that, I agreed to stay and see what could be done. He agreed that there would be no further activity and he would leave no stone unturned in trying to sort out what had been done to him, the subsequent behavior and to see if his orientation could be changed or not.

He then spent the next 4 months, on a daily basis telling me in extreme details about all his sexual activity. It started with the initial abuse from the neighbor man, and each time another detail was revealed. It has been a active gay lifestyle for 40 years including the fact that for my entire marriage he cheated with males in every place we have lived. Every time he added a new detail I thought it was ‘the story’ but there was more and more and more – each addition was devastating me, I was completely overwhelmed and suffered post traumatic stress.

During this process he wrote down (about 70%) of his story in detail, starting from the initial abuse. In this story he states “I wanted a family that I could take home during the holidays. All my family would get together on the holidays. I thought Jeannette with her two daughters (no boys to worry about) fit the ticket. She was working full time, stable, smart, did not need a man, and had a home. “ he also states “. Jeannette did not know that I had and have male sex partners.”

I can not tell you why I didn’t leave right then except to say he sounded sincere and it was like he finally got it off his chest. I would never have married him if I had known the truth and would not agree to live with him if he continued to be active. I didn’t want a gay husband in my life, but I thought I was going to grow old with this person, that he was kind and thoughtful, unfortunately the trust bond for me was still there. It wasn’t until he really showed his deceit, cowardness (he couldn’t look me in the eye and tell me) and real worth as a person, did that trust bond start to break apart.

I remember talking to him about being a sex addict, something he adamantly denied. My world did not contain sex as the only way to be nurtured. After reading books on sexual addiction, sexual child abuse, gay grooming in sexual abuse, alcoholic families and passive/aggressive behaviors, he fits many of the profiles stated in the books.

The sad thing is, for the partner, often you are the one who suffers. In the end, he will go and do the same things he has done for 40 + years, nothing changes. You will have to face the betrayals, lies, manipulation and deceit and you are the one who has to put the pieces back together. Everything you valued and held sacred has been defiled, even though the part you lived was based on truth, the effects of their behavior takes a toll. Will you ever be able to trust, what if the next person is too nice, you are very guarded and what questions do you ask about their prior sexual encounters. A straight person might think you are a little strange.

Just a few examples of situations that existed but I didn’t put together:

While married to him the only thing that I knew that was a odd sexual behavior was that he told me when he was a teenager he masturbated 3 – 5 times a day. I always thought was excessive, of course he told me that it was what all boys did. I didn’t have any brothers so there was nothing for me to gauge it from. There didn’t seem to be any other inappropriate behavior associated with sex so there was nothing to attach the oddness to.

Very early on when we 1st started dating we were at dinner and I felt like he was staring at my breast. When I asked him why, he said that he was just looking at my necklace and how nice I looked. We continued dating and didn’t even kiss for about 4 months, his behavior was respectful. So I thought that maybe I was wrong and that he had a strong value system and was disciplined. Boy, was I wrong, in his written story he said, “In my 35 years of dating females, I was never the aggressor”. Of course, he didn’t have to be aggressive, he was getting his jollies with his male sex partners. It didn’t require, discipline, sacrifice or restraint on his part, he was getting it all along. Isn’t he just the nicest and kindest person. How could I possibly have known.

When we moved to Lafayette IN, it was a little different situation. In all the other places we lived, the mill and the people who worked there were spread out geographically where they lived. In Lafayette it really is the hub of the area, so both men that he worked with lived in Lafayette. I remember him every time we drove by a topless bar, he would mentioned how these two men would go there. They were both married and it made me feel uncomfortable, there was a sense of betrayal from these men in regards to their wives. I truly believe my husband did this so I would not become chummy with these women. This way when he claimed to be working or on a shut-down, if I did not develop a relationship with these women there would be no chance of a conversation where I might say that he was at the mill and them saying there was no shut-down or he wasn’t there.

I feel sexually addicted people are masters at deception and very manipulative. There are no boundaries or moral character for them to draw on. They systematically tear your life apart by the deception and lies. With all his activities I am thankful I do not have AIDS.

Tell me what your take is on gay men marrying straight women without telling them.

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Responses

  1. Hi Jeanette,
    First, my heart goes out to you. And I wish you could know how much the women on this site believe in your worth and your beauty.

    My response to your hard story is to wonder if you actually have all the pieces yet. Not that you haven’t had to live through enough horrible revealings—but there’s something still “not quite all there” in this saga of hurt and lies.

    I have certainly known other women whose spouses “came out” later as gay, as well as men whose spouse “came out as lesbian”. But this is much more complex because homosexual sexual abuse is at the beginning of it, and addictive behaviours with homosexual focus is how it plays out. I really am not sure if your spouse is really gay or is acting out gay. But he’s certainly not at all well.

    I just don’t think you are ever going to be able to rationally process what’s going on here. It’s deep and ugly and full of pain for both of you. He needs help, but it’s help way beyond your capacity to offer. And you need support, compassion, and opportunities to step out of the crazy world he has built for his illness to thrive.

    Jeanette, find a therapist. Get your finances in order. Start your own bank account if you don’t have one. Set small goals that protect you and any children. Insist that he begin a therapeutic journey. None of this means you don’t love him. It just means you recognize his behaviour is jeopardizing your life and the life of your children. If you must have sex with him, use protection. He’s out of control.
    Tell your doctor. You may need help later, if not now.

    There is so much in this story over which you have not power or control. Find the places where you have it, and exercise it for the safety and benefit of you and your children first.

    As I look back on my own story, Jeanette, its not the acting out that hurts me most, it is the betrayal and lies and cruelty and lack of care toward me and our family that brings the tears every night. But how much worse off I would be, if I had not done the things I listed above.

    Be strong to do what needs to be done. And may a greater light join the light you have within you, to show you the way.
    D.

  2. Diane,

    I want to thank you for your thoughtful response. You are right when you question if I have all the pieces yet. It is really sad because I don’t ever know what is going to trigger something. It could be a movie, something someone says, a meeting, you see people interact, often I go to sleep and don’t even know that something was triggered.

    One of the saddest thing that became clear was when he said to me last Oct. that the next time we go back to Turner Maine he was going to contact a friend of his brother and ask him if they knew he was being abused. He has told me that he has always felt that his brother and friend had to know what was going on. They would leave him with this man while they went off and played with the man’s toys. I was very excited to hear that he was actually starting to question his past. I went back to Lafayette for 3 weeks to pack my most valued possessions to be moved to Canton NC. On Nov. 2nd all my items were moved – what was left In Lafayette was to stage the house for sale. On Nov. 12th I was served with divorce papers. I fully believe that he told me that so I would not suspect anything. It is pretty cruel and raw to do that to someone – I bet most of you have experienced similar deception.

    If I had known I never would have allowed anything to be moved – I had a completely furnished home when he married me. He lived in a one bedroom apartment with very scant belongings. Not only that, but he could not let me get to North Carolina because under the divorce laws, he would have had to take responsibility for the things he has done. He had gotten a 3 month extension for the move benefit from his company (he paid nothing to take my things) because I was still recovering from a surgery. So would you say he got that extension under fraudulent information? Oh, maybe he meant to say to his company, my ex-wife-to-be has not had a chance to pack the most valuable household items so can I have an extension? By the way she does not know that I plan on taking the best stuff and then divorce her.

    There is not one area that deceit and lies have not penetrated. He even thinks it is okay to leave me emotionally devastated but also financially devastated. I followed his career and left the best job and benefits I had ever had. Before I met him, I worked myself out of poverty without child support or welfare, supporting 3 children.

    I don’t have any love or care to what happens to him, all the things about his abuse that I grieved, was angry, traumatized, shocked, all the things I felt were taken from him, the concern for his humanity has all dissipated. There is not one thing that I can look back on and have any respect or good will for. People like him suck the life out of you. They have no conscience to their activities sexual or moral. When you are dealing with someone in the area of sexual addiction, realize it does go beyond just the sex – deceit does not stop there.

    Months before, he had gone through the computers, stick drives, my purse, hard copies to locate his story and destroyed them all. He was willing to leave me completely defenseless. If I tried to repeat his story, people would think that I had lost it. No one would have ever been able to understand the depth of pain and betrayal I have experience. If I reacted poorly or harshly to something, especially of a sexual nature, how could someone understand where I am coming from. Believe me I don’t enjoy the story or get off on it. I actually wish I didn’t know it. Especially when he lied about having no further activity and I believe he never intended to stop.

    I do want to make a clarification here, no, I do not think that all gay people are going to hell. I do think that I had a right to know, this was not one or two incidences, it was years of activity.

    My now soon to be ex-husband is trying to say “my so called homosexuality”, he is trying to diminish it to just a story. I want to find people who can read his story, that he wrote and have them answer a questionnaire. Obviously, some questions would be: 1) do you think this man is gay, 2) do you think a straight man could think of all these gay details to write about, 3) after reading the story, do you think this person is passive/aggressive, 4) what amends should this person make to the wife he lied, cheated and deceived. The problem is, I would have to be very careful and warn people, because the details can make you sick. In some conversations I have shared 1 or 2 of what I call the ‘soft’ stuff and they have a problem hearing that. They say those images stayed with them. Imagine if they heard the ‘hard’ stuff.

    Anyone involved with a sex addict needs to take a good look and ask themselves, is it worth my life, integrity, emotional health to be with this person? You will pay a price, is it worth it? I think we as a society spend far too much time on the perpetrators and not enough time on the victims. All I see out there from the reading and blogs I’ve read are victims. Ask youself this, how many times do you see the perps blogging and helping the victims of their ruthless, conniving, cruel deeds?

    My perp, is just covering his ass or offering his ass. There are two ways to look at it.

  3. Thank you for sharing your horrific story, Jeannette. We will listen and we won’t try to minimize or deny, for we understand your immense pain and grief.

    Yes, your husband is a very sick man. He’s a narcissist, sex addict, misogynist, liar and sociopath. You name it, and the label fits! A user and abuser to the nth degree.

    I admire your courage tremendously. Lots of people can’t listen to the “hard” stuff– It happens in all sorts of situations, I have found. I guess it makes them uncomfortable when confronted with a truth they cannot fathom.

    Do perps ever help other people? With the exception of the “Altruistic narcissist” (a separate and most noxious subject) No, they can’t even help themselves, so how could they possibly “reach out”? Everything about their sorry lives is in place simply to attempt to keep themselves barely afloat and even there, they fail miserably, unless they get help which of course, they rarely see the need for.

    Big hugs,

    L

  4. I believe that there are many, many straight women out there who are married to gay men. I can see it, to an extent: they’re hiding their true nature from themselves, they want the “normal” life, etc. Several years ago I went to a sorority reunion. There were women from about a five-year span there (we were in our 40s, I’d guess.) TWO women there had been married to gay men. TWO! — and there weren’t that many of us there! And of course there were children involved. I know that there are online groups out there. I hope you get the support you need.

    And of course, there’s a difference between being to a gay person and being to a sex addict (or being married to a gay sex addict). Lots of wrinkles there. And of also of course, what with Jesse James and Tiger Woods out there, the sex addicts thing is in the news a lot. While being married to a gay person obviously precludes this, there IS recover from sex addiction and the possibility for healthy sex afterwards, at least from what I’ve read. I just heard about a book that addresses this, Erotic Intelligence by Alexandra Katechakis. She’s a certified sex addiction therapist, so she knows what she’s talking about. And she says there is hope after sex addiction for the addict, the partner and the relationship. I offer this not for the original post, but for others who happen here.

  5. I am grateful for your story. I just learned after 8 years of marriage that my husband is a sex addict. He acts out with transexuals and she males. While claiming not to be gay (ya right) he said he did not want to lie to me anymore. I have a 4 year old daughter. I plan to soon divorce. I am concerned about him in custody and when she becomes a teenager what he will / will not say about sex. I am 41, I have time to restart, for that I am grateful. But I cannot beleive, again, cannot beleive the lies, deceit, family income and risky behavior he engages in. I would always find enimas, in his bathroom. He claimed to be constipated. I now know he cleans after sex. There has been no care for me other than he always uses a condom. says he does go to SA meetings and many of them have given their wives STD’s. I have been spared that. He wants to go on, get this, life as usual even try for another baby. wants me to control money so he will not have money to pay for sex. i don’t think he is serious. he seems angry and volatile does not want me knowing his whereabouts all the time. wants to be accepted for “who he is”. I feel that by rejecting he is going to become crazed and incensed. Wants me to “open my mind” and join him on his sexual escapes, perhaps. He wants to know what my “tolerence” level is. what the hell does that mean? NONE. how’s that. I was happy mom 1 week ago. now I am so angry hurt and don’t know where to begin to recover.

  6. Pam,

    This website has been a life saver for me. It is often painful to read these stories, but they provide you with a voice to what has happened to you. One of the hardest things was for me was to put words to the pain. For a long time I could not write anything down. When I would try to, I just ended up bawling and was paralyzed by the grief, pain, violation, heartbreak which was more than I could deal with.

    For me the homosexually was very difficult because it had been in his life for 20 years before I met him. To me it was fraudulent for him to marry me, he used me to cover up his behaviors. He hasn’t paid anything, never did anything different than what he had always done. Self absorbed in his sexual activities while letting me believe he was faithful to me – if someone had said that he was homosexual, I would have told them they were crazy. The entire cost of his deception has been paid by me and that is so wrong.

    I have had people ask me if the activities had been with women, would the devastation have been as deep. For me, it had a double impact, the homosexual sex crossed an additional boundary. I have no inclination what-so-ever for gay or lesbian sex acts in my desires, I am straight. Therefore it is particularly offensive for my so-called mate to participate in same-sex sex, it makes me physically ill to even think of it. If a spouse knows and accepts the addition of behavior between consenting homosexuals that is different because everyone knows the game,

    Not only that, but he did nothing to protect me. It is not comforting to know that he had oral sex (he like the taste and texture) and then comes home and kisses me. To this day it is so disturbing to me that when I think of that, my body physically shakes inside, I become nauseous and just cry because that is so revolting to me. I would never had married him or knowingly associated with someone like that. I am sorry for being so graphic, but it is so hard to explain why I can’t sleep or feel sane. That is the soft stuff of what he told me, I don’t know where to put this stuff – it haunts me and I never know when a thought will pop up. I didn’t want to know about homosexual sex, let alone be married to one who deceived me.

    The day he started exposing the abuse and gay lifestyle to me, I knew that I was not going to do anything degrading or try to emulated or compete with those acts. I am so thankful that I did not even entertain those thoughts. I remember seeing talk shows on how women were so blindsided by the betrayal that they not really wanting to, but the spouse convinced them to participate in the activities. The women commented on how degrading, and the devastation they felt afterwards.

    There have been additional resources that have been helpful to me, they are Patrick Carnes, “Out of the Shadows” including several of his other books and John Bradshaw who helped in understanding the alcoholic family system and mental illness, which I knew little about. Again, you will find a lot of wisdom from the people who share on this website. This will become part of your family, especially now when it is so new.

  7. Jeannette

    What you have experienced is truly tragic. I unraveled my own husbands lies and deceitful behavior after our first three months of marriage. Needless to say my friendly calm and cool demeanor quickly turned to intense rage. I was consumed with the humiliation of what he had done to our marriage. I felt I was nothing more than his puppet and an actor in his play in which he used to maintain his image and protect his true love…gay sex. I was consumed with the evil that he had knowingly participated in and had then exposed me to.
    Initially we both sought counseling…after intense fighting and rages of anger…we did both agree we needed help and we needed it immediately. After an incredibly destructive therapist that tried to get him to leave me and accept a life of homosexuality, he did make the decision to seek true Christian Bible based therapy for sexual addiction. He did not want to reveal his whole truths at first but God lead him to a man that had followed the same path and had actually left his first wife to complete pursue a same sex marriage. He also was pulled by God to leave the intensely shameful lifestyle and work on a path toward God and sexual purity. God placed him in better hands than I could have ever found myself. And I only was able to recognize what a God send this therapist was after the truly harmful therapist in the beginning. My husband began his journey and started taking the steps to acknowledge and understand why he seeks gay sex. He began taking a look not only at the intense manipulation and mental and emotional abuse he experienced by his parents but he dug deeper and started revealing the sexual abuse he experienced as a young child and teenager. I was fortunate to find a wise therapist that reminded me of the only one I could ever truly count on in my life…the only true promise keeper…GOD. He shared with me the importance of protecting myself from the evil within this and shared his thoughts on me working on my own brokenness from this act. He also reminded me how God’s plans for us are much greater than we can ever imagine and that I am his chosen child. Holding on to these precious truths helped give me the stability to walk again. Not run but walk. To set aside my rage and be the person I truly am and most importantly to not accept the role of victim.
    I am NOT able to control the actions/choices of my VERY BROKEN husband. I CAN control how I react and the title I will take from this experience. I once heard about a Vietnam POW that was an enlisted sailor that had simply fallen off the ship late at night and was taken as a prisoner by the Vietnamese. When he was asked about being captured and taken prisoner he quickly replied, “Oh no, I was saved.” Wow he made a choice. I will choose also to be saved from this incredibly awful experience. I will be saved with or without my husband. I pray that he is saved too, with or without me. This is a humiliating, shameful, and deep addiction that no one should accept for their spouse or most importantly for themselves. Furthermore, God does not want ANY of his children to be a part of this and therefore I pray for him.
    I also chose to consider myself the truly blessed one even after a year of supporting my spouse through Christian therapy and dealing with him and therapists through his recent relapse. God is working through my heart and soul in ways that I cannot even clearly identify. When we initially started therapy I made promises to myself and set boundaries for myself. I promised myself that if we were both walking this road of recovery and he was properly using our support system through this addiction I would keep this as a private matter between only us and the counseling ministry. If not, our parents would be notified. Since he has recently strayed and started to seek gay sex again, I followed through with my promise. I notified my parents and informed him that it was up to him to notify his family but that my family was aware and that his addiction would not continue to thrive in the dark. As an addict, he immediately became defensive and chose not to inform his family. When he realized that just as I deal with not being able to control his choices he too must respect my choices. My parents reaction was another sign from God. They have prayed extensively with me for guidance and have let me know that they truly support whatever choice I make. How fortunate I am to have parents that can set aside the immediate feelings of pain, anger, and humiliation to hand over this awful experience to God. This relapse has shown me how I come from incredibly strong Christians that know true love. And just like how I need to accept God’s love, I need to accept the love of true Christians around me. Also, I see now what I thought to be a curse…the fact that my body cannot ovulate and it would be incredibly difficult for me to get pregnant as a shield by God to protect me from more pain. I am blessed to not have an addiction that will destroy my life and the lives of those around me. I am blessed to have been raised by people that not only believe but share God’s love.
    I have a much shorter step to take to accept the good life…I just have to accept God who is anxiously awaiting me. My husband has to accept his abuse, his actions, his choices, and break through his shame before he can even have a chance at truly accepting God’s love.
    I have made very different choices in my life from the pain that I have experienced and therefore my journey will be much shorter and people that I trust as wise and Christian support are quick and willing to help me.
    I am not nor will I ever be judged by my husbands actions. He will potentially face judgement when he answers to God. Therefore, I do not feel the need to “out him” or gain the belief of others. Nor do I have the right to embellish the evil that he has exposed me to innocent people around me. They have their own life struggles and just how I did not need to know these things existed I do not need to expose them…all I am doing then is continuing the abuse.
    When I get past the immediate “prisoner” thoughts and mentality which comes so quickly and easily, I see this little glimpse of hope through a beautiful sky, a cool breeze that runs through my hair, or even a little wag of my dogs tail when I walk through the front door. It took me awhile to see my dogs excitement, to truly feel the breeze tickle my hair across my neck, to actually allow myself to realize all these little beautiful things in life are signs that God places His STRONG arms around us to remind us of His love and that He is always with us and even in darkness one has beauty and love surrounding them. I feel those brief breezes are a hug from Him, that beautiful sky after a long day of rain shows one can always have hope and great beauty is always ahead after the great darkness whether it be hear on earth or with our heavenly father.
    There is MORE and GREATER to come and the only way we will ever see it is by keeping our eyes open and looking past the immediate darkness.

  8. Jeannette

    What you have experienced is truly tragic. I unraveled my own husbands lies and deceitful behavior after our first three months of marriage. Needless to say my friendly calm and cool demeanor quickly turned to intense rage. I was consumed with the humiliation of what he had done to our marriage. I felt I was nothing more than his puppet and an actor in his play in which he used to maintain his image and protect his true love…gay sex. I was consumed with the evil that he had knowingly participated in and had then exposed me to.

    Initially we both sought counseling…after intense fighting and rages of anger…we did both agree we needed help and we needed it immediately. After an incredibly destructive therapist that tried to get him to leave me and accept a life of homosexuality, he did make the decision to seek true Christian Bible based therapy for sexual addiction. He did not want to reveal his whole truths at first but God lead him to a man that had followed the same path and had actually left his first wife to complete pursue a same sex marriage. He also was pulled by God to leave the intensely shameful lifestyle and work on a path toward God and sexual purity. God placed him in better hands than I could have ever found myself. And I only was able to recognize what a God send this therapist was after the truly harmful therapist in the beginning. My husband began his journey and started taking the steps to acknowledge and understand why he seeks gay sex. He began taking a look not only at the intense manipulation and mental and emotional abuse he experienced by his parents but he dug deeper and started revealing the sexual abuse he experienced as a young child and teenager. I was fortunate to find a wise therapist that reminded me of the only one I could ever truly count on in my life…the only true promise keeper…GOD. He shared with me the importance of protecting myself from the evil within this and shared his thoughts on me working on my own brokenness from this act. He also reminded me how God’s plans for us are much greater than we can ever imagine and that I am his chosen child. Holding on to these precious truths helped give me the stability to walk again. Not run but walk. To set aside my rage and be the person I truly am and most importantly to not accept the role of victim.

    I am NOT able to control the actions/choices of my VERY BROKEN husband. I CAN control how I react and the title I will take from this experience. I once heard about a Vietnam POW that was an enlisted sailor that had simply fallen off the ship late at night and was taken as a prisoner by the Vietnamese. When he was asked about being captured and taken prisoner he quickly replied, “Oh no, I was saved.” Wow he made a choice. I will choose also to be saved from this incredibly awful experience. I will be saved with or without my husband. I pray that he is saved too, with or without me. This is a humiliating, shameful, and deep addiction that no one should accept for their spouse or most importantly for themselves. Furthermore, God does not want ANY of his children to be a part of this and therefore I pray for him.

    I also chose to consider myself the truly blessed one even after a year of supporting my spouse through Christian therapy and dealing with him and therapists through his recent relapse. God is working through my heart and soul in ways that I cannot even clearly identify. When we initially started therapy I made promises to myself and set boundaries for myself. I promised myself that if we were both walking this road of recovery and he was properly using our support system through this addiction I would keep this as a private matter between only us and the counseling ministry. If not, our parents would be notified. Since he has recently strayed and started to seek gay sex again, I followed through with my promise. I notified my parents and informed him that it was up to him to notify his family but that my family was aware and that his addiction would not continue to thrive in the dark. As an addict, he immediately became defensive and chose not to inform his family. When he realized that just as I deal with not being able to control his choices he too must respect my choices. My parents reaction was another sign from God. They have prayed extensively with me for guidance and have let me know that they truly support whatever choice I make. How fortunate I am to have parents that can set aside the immediate feelings of pain, anger, and humiliation to hand over this awful experience to God. This relapse has shown me how I come from incredibly strong Christians that know true love. And just like how I need to accept God’s love, I need to accept the love of true Christians around me. Also, I see now what I thought to be a curse…the fact that my body cannot ovulate and it would be incredibly difficult for me to get pregnant as a shield by God to protect me from more pain. I am blessed to not have an addiction that will destroy my life and the lives of those around me. I am blessed to have been raised by people that not only believe but share God’s love.

    I have a much shorter step to take to accept the good life…I just have to accept God who is anxiously awaiting me. My husband has to accept his abuse, his actions, his choices, and break through his shame before he can even have a chance at truly accepting God’s love.

    I have made very different choices in my life from the pain that I have experienced and therefore my journey will be much shorter and people that I trust as wise and Christian support are quick and willing to help me.

    I am not nor will I ever be judged by my husbands actions. He will potentially face judgement when he answers to God. Therefore, I do not feel the need to “out him” or gain the belief of others. Nor do I have the right to embellish the evil that he has exposed me to innocent people around me. They have their own life struggles and just how I did not need to know these things existed I do not need to expose them…all I am doing then is continuing the abuse.

    When I get past the immediate “prisoner” thoughts and mentality which comes so quickly and easily, I see this little glimpse of hope through a beautiful sky, a cool breeze that runs through my hair, or even a little wag of my dogs tail when I walk through the front door. It took me awhile to see my dogs excitement, to truly feel the breeze tickle my hair across my neck, to actually allow myself to realize all these little beautiful things in life are signs that God places His STRONG arms around us to remind us of His love and that He is always with us and even in darkness one has beauty and love surrounding them. I feel those brief breezes are a hug from Him, that beautiful sky after a long day of rain shows one can always have hope and great beauty is always ahead after the great darkness whether it be hear on earth or with our heavenly father.

    There is MORE and GREATER to come and the only way we will ever see it is by keeping our eyes open and looking past the immediate darkness.

    PS An incredible suggestion was made to me today instead of simply keeping a prayer journal, the blessings in store from keeping a “Prayers Answered” journal are supposed to be amazing. I don’t know if anyone on this site would also benefit from this suggestion but I do know that I am excited to get one started. I understand that you need to set time aside everyday to record any answered prayers or blessings from the day whether they be even just as simple as a kind word from someone. Prayers are answered sometimes before we even ask so it is important to recognize and acknowledge God’s little and big gifts each day. Also I understand that it is important to try to find scripture to go along with each entry. I want to build my book recording the good in my life so that I can reflect when evil touches me and darkness comes.

  9. Ladies,

    I feel all your pains and struggles. We are newly weds. Married only a year and a half. I discovered my husband had another women during my honemoon. I was devastated beyond words. We went to counseling believing it was a one time ex-girlfriend situation. when I was 3 months pregnant I found out that he was cheating on me because he gave me an STD, by the grace of God it was curable. That opened my eyes…he even tried to denay that. his comment was, what do you want me to do about it. I started going through his stuff come to find out there were lots and lots of women.I found out he was addicted and also into transexual shemales. I had never ever heard of what shemales were until i googled it. it tore me apart. i found out he was with a shemale prostitute when i went to my baby shower. that explained why our sex life didn’t exist. It was a miracle that i got pregnant. getting ready to leave with the baby. i am praying. I am loosing hope. He’s in counseling but I haven’t seen one successful story blog that has happy endings. I too believe this is a double betrayal. i have hope in the lord and I know he will get me through this. I want my husband to be cured from this evil illness. this is pure sickness and horrifying disease that breaks families apart. years and years of betrayals.

  10. Rebecca~

    I know you feel alone right now. But I promise you aren’t. This is such a selfish addiction that even when it comes to therapy and support systems the spouse often gets ignored and the addict is the only one that people are concerned about. I will pray for you and your child. Know that the best support is right by your side-GOD. He is the only one that can free your heart from this pain. We will never know the extent of our husband’s choices nor should we…we do not deserve that evil to brush our souls or taint our thoughts. You deserve counseling too, their choices leave us broken also. Pray to God to help you recognize and accept the support and guidance through this time. He will answer your prayers and rebuild your heart. Just as your response came to me on a day that has been quite a struggle it has lifted my heart. I appreciate you sharing and will pray for you. My mom guided me to look up a verse that has given me great strength over the past few days…Psalms 34 17-18.

    17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.

    18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    When you start to feel hopeless…CRY OUT to the Lord! You are the righteous one Rebecca! He will listen and mend your spirit.

  11. Ladies,

    It has been 2 mos since my last posting. It was good to read my original post, so determined for divorce. While I have not filed yet, I am making plans. I have informed my family. I am perhaps fortunate in the sense, he came out and told me himself and was not caught. He said he told me because that is the only way to recover to admit his evil deeds. However, I do not think he is repentant, for lack of a better word. I can see even though we are putting controls in place monetarily and he is seeking a therapist, there is so little hope on this thing. So few recover. I think SA’s are such master’s at deception, I would be willing to be that many spouses who have gone to counseling, and put controls in place, that the addict has found a way around the controls when he wants to, at least once. It seems so jaded to say that, but it is what I think. Pray for me all, that I will get the strength to leave. It needs to be done, judiciously and speedily. I don’t know where to start.

  12. HI Pam
    thanks for bringing us up to date. You are very courageous woman. It’s so hard to keep going when everything you were building on was pulled out from underneath you and your daughter.

    As you move forward, don’t second guess the decisions you make for immediate safety and sanity. If you need to make new ones, you can do that too. Sometimes we are afraid to make any mistake at all, and get stuck doing nothing.

    But in addition, I hope you will seek a supportive counsellor for yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now, and sometimes we push ourselves too far. You’ve been through so much trauma and worry, and because your daughter is still young–you don’t have a lot of time to worry about yourself.

    There is hope, Pam. Hope for a life in which you are and your daughter are honoured with respect, honesty, love, and loyalty. There is hope for your SA husband to recover his own life, but that hope is out of your hands. He alone can pursue it.

    One step at a time. Things can change for you , and change for the better.

    lots of light
    Diane.

  13. Pam

    I was so glad to see you back on this site. I have often wondered what was happening in your hard journey. I did not find this site until after I had experience multiple bouts of post traumatic stress. The trauma of the exposure, the claim that he “would change it if he could”, when I now believe he never intended to stop (told me he was not active), letting me believe he was working on it, spent 4 months telling me details of all his activities, I had no idea his past contained the amount of activity and that it was all throughout my entire marriage. If I had any idea that his story was what it was I never would have allowed him to tell me details (the damage that information caused me and how it traumatized me). I had wanted to give him an environment that he didn’t have to “pretty up” his story and was willing to listen to the hard truth so he could truly heal (I wasn’t trying to be his therapist) but felt as his partner, he would feel safe and a therapist could help him understand his truths. Then he (his company) moved all the most valued worldly possessions to what I thought would be our new home and he called me and told me he filed for divorce. I did realize that those possessions took on more importance mostly because everything I held sacred, valued morally and ethically had been trampled on – the ‘possessions’ represented a sense of safety and I have memory attachments to some of the things (prior to him, that didn’t have this stigma attached to it).

    I recently have been able to read Barbara Steffens /Marsh Means book, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” and it has helped tremendously. If you can listen to the interviews that JoAnn has provided us with Barbara Steffens it will help you. I think that JoAnn’s ebook, “Finances: Take Control of Your Future By Taking Control of Your Finances”, will be key in helping you get things in place and then you will be able to make the choices you want.

    Diane’s post on “J Shares Her Story of Marriage with a Sex Addict”, she shared how she took incremental steps to get where she needed to be to feel safe. It is sad but sometimes we can’t just walk away as fast as we would like. I am sure if you or your daughter were in ‘danger’ you would do it immediately, but traumatizing your child by living in shelters and destitute with limited choices would not serve you or your daughter (additional trauma) either.

    You do have strength, I remember when reading your original post, when you said that he wanted to know what your “tolerance” level was, and your response was immediate. I often think back and am so grateful that I had the self awareness that I was not going to compromise myself, beliefs or do anything to degrade myself. How much more destructive would that have been?

    Appreciate the little victories, you have experience a deep wound and are and will be reeling from it for a while. Be diligent in taking the steps you need to do, a lot of things are out-of-our-control for a time. Eventually we will get our lives back, there will be sorrows, grief, hurt, despair, disappointment, some things you will get closure on, some you will not. Understanding the elements of SA‘s behaviors and the destruction it causes partners will be beyond understanding.

    We will emerge a different person, tempered by this tragic experience. I have to believe that we are not necessarily “better for it”, this is not something that I thinks makes us better, but that our self love and convictions will be burned into our beings.

    For me, the passive/aggressive environment resulted in me 2nd guessing myself. In actuality my inklings and perceptions were on target, but I didn’t know how to interpret the things around me and began doubting my perceptions. I remember a saying that attracted me; it said “Let Your Voice Be Heard, Even If It Is Shaking”. That resonated with me because I so often felt the shaking when I tried to understand and decipher what I was observing (emotional disconnects) and didn’t understand. That now has a voice!

    How could any of us ever guess the deceit, lies, manipulations and betrayals that were taking place in our lives? I think for the most part it is because we do not operate the same ways the SA does. So how could we suspect such sinister motives and behaviors, where would we pull our understanding from?

    For the 1st time recently I was able to talk face-to-face with someone that experienced similar parts of my story. It was nice to be able to say things and know that she knew where it was coming from, instead of people who will listen but really couldn’t relate or fathom the situation. This is what this site does. I was at a very low point when I came here and what a difference it has made!