He Drives Me Crazy! Passive Aggressive Behavior In Sex Addicts.

We’ve all encountered Passive Aggressive Behaviors and most of us will engage in a bit of it ourselves at times–usually to avoid an uncomfortable argument. Whenever we say ‘Yes’ when we really want to say ‘No’ and then act in an angry manner we are using the avoidance technique that can be classified as passive/aggressive.

Dr. Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D., a psychiatrist at the Mayo Clinic describes Passive Aggressive behavior as a pattern of expressing your negative feelings in an indirect way — instead of openly addressing them. People who are passive-aggressive appear to agree with the requests of others. They may even seem enthusiastic about them. But they don’t perform a requested action on time or in a useful way, and may even work against it. In other words, they use nonverbal behavior to express anger or resentment that they can’t express verbally. An example is showing up very late to a meeting that you didn’t really want to attend and then making up excuses for your lateness that deflect attention from the real reason you were late.

I like to think of Passive Aggressive behaviors as ‘polite hostility’. When a Passive Aggressive person engages in this behavior they say one thing while meaning another, and they ‘kind of’ want you to know what they really mean, but can’t face the potential conflict. So, they leave you there, scratching your head trying to figure out their mixed signals. It can really make you crazy!

As with all personality disorders, Passive Aggressive Behaviors are not black and white or all or nothing, but come in various shades of gray. And, while most people slip in a little avoidance now and then, the Sex Addict eats, lives and breathes avoidance of expressing their true feelings. It’s just a part of their alphabet soup of disorders. It’s sort of abuse on the sly.

Do you recognize any of these behaviors?

Memory Lapses: Sorry, I just forgot __________ (to tell you about the affair, to take out the trash, your birthday, our anniversary, that we planned to go out to dinner tonight–fill in the blank with your own scenario).

Playing The Victim: It’s never their fault. Sex Addicts manage to blame everyone (usually you) and everything for whatever they do. You, or something, caused them to act out because __________ (you don’t want sex often enough, you are a bitch, you don’t understand me, I had a bad childhood, work is too stressful–go ahead, fill in the blank).

Inappropriate Expression Of Anger: Sex Addicts will avoid expressing their anger when it’s appropriate and get angry without reason. Any honest expression of their feelings seems to elude them.

No Follow Through: Sex Addicts make lots of promises, but keep very few. And, if you call them on it, it will suddenly be all your fault. How often have you heard, ‘I never said that, I never agreed to that, You are twisting my words, Now you are putting words in my mouth, Are you trying to trap me?’–add a few of the excuses that you have heard.

Their Actions Speak Louder Than Their Words: This one will really make you crazy. ‘Honey, I really do love you’ (Two hours later he’s in the sack with a hooker) ‘You are so beautiful’ (You wait anxiously in the bedroom, dressed in nothing but a thong, while he desperately seeks the ‘Teen Has First Orgasm’ website that he erased from the computer history) Or, how about ‘I am working so many hours just for you and the kids, I really care about our future (As he slowly spends away all of your child’s college fund on lap dances and massages)

Along with all that, Passive Aggressive Behaviors also include resentment and opposition to the demands of others, feeling cheated or not appreciated, sullenness, irritability, procrastination and a cynical attitude.

Add the fact that many Sex Addicts exhibit anti social behaviors, are borderline or, in some cases downright flaming sociopaths, and you have the recipe for a very difficult relationship. Stopping the acting out behaviors is only the beginning of recovery. I believe that Sexual Addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors can only be controlled if the addict seeks, and continues over the long term, a variety of counseling modalities including psychoanalysis of their childhood issues.

As we progress through our initial discovery and then our own journey back to a healthy emotional and mental place we can often look back and laugh at some of the antics of our Sex Addict spouses and partners. Unfortunately, when we are in the midst of the crisis none of this is funny.

Here’s a few lines from one of my favorite songs by the Fine Young Cannibals:

I can’t stop the way I feel
Things you do don’t seem real

Tell me what you’ve got in mind
‘Cause we’re runnin’ out of time
Won’t you ever set me free
This waiting round is killing me

(S)he drives me crazy
Like no one else
(S)he drives me crazy
I can’t help myself

I can’t get any rest
People say I’m obsessed
Everything you say is lies
But to me there’s no surprise
What I had for you was true
Things go wrong, they always do

(S)he drives me crazy
Like no one else
(S)he drives me crazy
I can’t help myself

I won’t make it on my own
No one likes to be alone

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Responses

  1. I never knew about Passive Aggressive behavior until I was working with my therapist on some issues, One day I gave him a scenario that I was frustrated and even mad about but didn’t know why I was mad. I asked the therapist “what it that (the scenario) about”? That was the 1st time I ever heard about passive aggressive behaviors.

    Obviously not all SA’s are passive aggressive so it may not apply to everyone’s experience. I have read enough things in the blogs that smell of Passive Aggressive (PA). Once I started understanding PA, I started noticing a lot of its ‘symptoms’ in my spouse. What I realized is that my reactions I had to this covert abusive behavior was actually pretty accurate. However, I had 2nd guessed myself so much that I thought I was wrong, over reacting, unreasonable, petty, paranoid and a bunch of other things. Those feeling’s I had, are actually the result of being the recipient of a PA’s behavior directed at you.

    I want to share some examples of minor, little things and then some gut type scenario’s. Keep in mind even the minor things when put together with another 100 minor things, it has a very undermining affect on you. Maybe some of you can share some of your experiences of PA behavior and enlighten to others.

    1. The PA buys you a pair of earrings that are, I don’t even know how to describe them but my girls said ugly (I wasn’t so blunt). The things is, I only wear stud type earnings didn’t have any dangles’ in my jewelry box. So to buy me something that had 4 dangling things that hung down to your neck, was a stretch. The PA will turn it into an offence and say, “l buy her a present and she is never satisfied, always critical….blah, blah, blah.”. I didn’t want to be critical, or ungrateful, but my inside reaction was kind of hurt and disappointed, because it was so opposite of what I wore and liked. In a relationship that deals in truth, it could have been a misunderstanding on what your taste was. You would have been allowed to express it in kind ways and then educate them because they (the truthful) are interested in what makes you happy, that was their objective, to make you happy. Oh boy, I must be hallucinating, happy, with no cheating, no lies, manipulation, and betrayals – I’m getting off track, but it was a nice place to be. Everyone would have a good laugh, no offence is taken and everyone moves on.

    2. The next time you get jewelry, when you only wear silver jewelry and they buy you something in gold, you’re a little shocked because if I was interested in gold jewelry, don’t you think I would have had a piece or two? And that’s your birthday present. Maybe he’s just colorblind, right? Truly, I wasn’t ungrateful, where was this disconnect coming from? Let me give you a hypothetical example; if you would like your partner to let’s say “wear low cut tops and push up bras that expose the girls in public”, that is a communication that should not be attached to a gift, especially a ‘birthday gift’. Is it really a gift or is it a way to coerce someone to do something they aren’t excited about. If you appear less than excited or don’t thank them for wanting you to expose your in public, the PA views you as being petty or complaining. When there are a multitude of subtle disconnects, you start to question yourself?

    3. When my husband came back to Indiana and moved my most valued belongings to North Carolina, he then calls me and said he filed for divorce and do not come to NC. (Note: his company paid the cost of moving those belongings, he didn’t even have pay to take (I call it steal) those things). When I asked him where he filed, he said, I did it in Indiana so you wouldn’t have to travel. Isn’t he nice and so thoughtful not to put me out after he just took all my things and blindsides me with this. Never gave me any indication, he was was dissatisfied with or even thinking of ending the marriage. Actually, the cruel thing is, he let me go on and on about how excited I was about finely being able to make the move there and being with him so we could be together and work on our relationship. This is part of the PA behavior, they let you get fully engrossed, invested, focused on things and then pull the carpet from underneath you. Emotionally you are left confused and feel like you have just been slapped, although with a slap there is a visable sign with PA it is covert. The TRUTH; Indiana is No-Fault divorce 50/50, you can commit fraud, deceive, in my case I sold my home I had before the marriage and quit the best job I had to move out of state to follow his career. The marriage was base on his fraud, if I had known the truth, I never would have married him. In North Carolina he would have had to answer or make restitution (financially) for his fraud when he married me and the deceit throughout the entire marriage. At my age with my income cut in half because of following his career and his income doubling, he should be paying me alimony for the rest of my life for the emotional rape and damage he has caused me. Isn’t he nice? He did it for me, I call it legalized theft. See my original blog titled “Double Deception”.

    4. A PA will use your energy and the investment you make solving problems, let you do all the work. Although, they will enjoy the fruits of your labor and enjoy the comforts of it. During the process, they had nothing to contribute, are detached, aloof, or just like to see you do the work. I think that is a real high for them. They might have a piece of information on something you are working on, instead of offering that information; they watch you struggle toward your goal. I think that is something about control issues.

    5. For me I love the Hawaiian islands, he knows it, so when we went back there, he acts like he is tolerating it for you and takes every opportunity to tell you how it falls short of paradise. Fine, you don’t like it, let me enjoy it, don’t diminish what I like. When he did that, I said to myself, I will always love Hawaii, but there are a lot of other places to see in the USA, I wasn’t going to force him go somewhere he didn’t want to go, we could have other adventures. I didn’t take offense, I was sad that he could not respect me enough to say I’m not has thrilled as you are about this place. The diminishing is something the PA’s do when they know it means something or has value to you.

    6. PA’s will create chaos so you are distracted from real issues (of coarse you don’t know what real issues are because they don’t tell you). It’s a smoke screen to distract you. The chaos situations aren’t necessarily big issues, just enough to keep you a little off balanced.

    7. Outing you, this is really sinister. The following is a trivial matter, in and of itself. Let’s say you and your spouse have decided that you do not like gas appliances because of the potential fumes, so you decide that when you replace your stove you will go with electric. You’ve discussed it several times. So one day you have some friends over and get into a discussion around remodeling kitchens. You mention that “we have decided to go electric” and share some of the reasons why. Then, the PA says ‘Yah, but there is an advantage to gas because with direct flame it heats faster and blah, blah, blah’. Your internal self is blindsided because you are saying to yourself, it would have been nice if you let me know that you reconsidered the issue and had a change of view, no big deal, I wouldn’t have made the We statement. It is the backhandedness way they do it. As time goes by in social situations you are more reserved and hesitate to make any “we” statements. It is an internal conflict because you want to discuss things with your spouse and feel like both of you are on the same page, you make great effort to communicate and miraculously they seem to have their change of opinion in public. This not only affects you when he ‘outs’ (sucker punches) you in front of people, but it filtrates into your one-on-one conversations and you start 2nd guessing yourself. There you are again, just a little off balance, those episodes seem to be out there floating around and you can’t quite figure it out.

    8. It is to the PA’s advantage to position you again in public and sucker punch you on an issue that they know you are very emotional about. That subject will be one that contains something you have an excitable reaction to, where you may seem angry, hostile, disgusted and you express it so. They like that one best because it was designed to show you as an excitable and in questionable light. Well, you were just set up. Now doesn’t the PA just seem like such a nice person, look what he/she puts up with and they stay so calm.

    9. Double messages – One time I said to my husband, “You are not even opened to the idea that you may need to rethink your opinion or position on a subject and you do not ever accept constructive input or criticism”. His response was, indignantly, “I accept feedback just fine”. A PA will need to redress things, to put them in better light, better than what was reality (dimishes). This way they can avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. You don’t get the words, “I’m sorry”, instead I got, “It was a bad thing”. He passive aggressively distanced himself from the behavior. WHO is the “It”? This is why the apologies never seem to make you feel restored. Yes, he acknowledged that what was done was “a bad thing”, and you say to yourself why don’t I feel better, why wasn’t that enough?

    10. Forgetting – Oh, the convenience! It seemed that the things that have meaning to you are the things that a PA ‘forgets’ about, or ‘didn’t realize it was so important’. The PA doesn’t have a problem remembering what is important to him. You are often left feeling empty and alone, but he then does something that is thoughtful, like going out on a cold, windy morning and scraping the snow off the car and windshield and then makes a path to get to the car and out of the driveway. You think your crazy, I could never figure out why I felt such internal conflict. I felt like I was ungrateful, he so nice and kind, not every spouse would do that. On the other hand, not every spouse “forgets” the things that need to be remembered.

    I hope this helps someone out there, because learning about PA gave me a lot of insight into what I was feeling, but didn’t know why I felt the way I did. Often, I felt like I was the problem.

    Some new is, good news!

  2. I am new to this site, as of yesterday, and I am very impressed with the information found here. I went searching due to the lack of information available to the spouse of the addict.

    This is a very insteresting topic. Before I found out my husband was a sex addict I had narrowed it down to two things that I thought could be happening in our relationship, based on the symptoms. The two potential problems were: sex addiction (pornography as far as I know) or he is passive aggressive. Funny thing is I now beleive he is both and cracked up when I saw this article and was surprised that I was actually on to something. I recently read Living with a Passive Aggresive Man by Scott Wetzler. This book described my husband pretty much to a T. I have also read that many passive aggresive’s are prone to addictions and self destructuve behaviors. Still trying to sift through what all this means, but is all very interesting. Thank you JoAnne.

  3. You are welcome Flora. I hope you will find the information and support you need here. If there are any topics you would like to see discussed just make a suggestion. Good luck in your journey back to happiness.

    Hugs,

    JoAnn

  4. I am pleased to have found this site. My husband disclosed to me 3 weeks ago that he is a sex addict and that he has been regularly using prostitutes and internet sites for the last 9 years. We have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. We have a one year old son.
    I am completely devastated.
    I knew there was something wrong with our relationship but couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I was often annoyed with him for what felt like no reason.
    I have spent the last year so busy caring for our child (without much help from my husband) that I didn’t have time or energy to read the signs.
    Not that I should have to read signs.
    I feel cheated and hurt.
    All I want is a happy and healthy home life and I’m not sure if this can be achieved now.
    My husband arranged counselling for himself after disclosing, and he is doing all the work set out for him in therapy, and we have also installed Net Nanny. He states that he no longer wants to act out and that he is committed to putting things right in our relationship. He said he will stay in counselling as long as is needed. He has accepted all of my boundaries and understands my mistrust and that he needs to wear that.
    I am just so angry.
    My anger bubbles over at the slightest thing. I don’t know how to manage all of these feelings that I have.
    It all makes sense now – his disinterest in me and our child, his passive aggressive behaviour, his coldness, his ability to blame others and not accept responsibility for anything. Pieceing together the jigsaw puzzle really drives homes exactly how much deception there has been and how much I have lost because of that. I am grieving for everything his behaviour has taken from me. The last few years should have been the happiest in our lives but now I realise that none of it was real.
    I am seeing a therapist tonight and hope that this helps me.
    I didn’t ask for any of this but I want to see this through. I’m not ready to leave the marriage because I would have regrets and thoughts of “what if”. But at the same time part of me interprets this as weakness on my part. So I’m angry with myself too!

    How do you come to accept the hard road ahead if you decide to stay? Can it be done?

    Do you have any tips for managing the hurt and anger?

    Thanks for your bravery in sharing your stories. I know it has certainly helped me feel less alone.

    Kat

  5. Welcome Kat,
    No matter how many times I read a newcomers story, I am overtaken by the common pain we all share, and if no one reaches out to the new person quickly, I confess I feel compelled to do it. You have such courage, Kat, to have worked through these early days of devastation with a young one to look after as well.

    You sound like an intelligent woman who is already aware of how much has changed for you. I know how terrifying that is. We all do.

    But a good sign is in your husband’s effort to get into a recovery program. I think he probably doesn’t want to lose you and your child at all, and wants very much to be well. Whether he will be able to get there—Kat, there are no guarantees. it really is one day, one hour, one minute, one click at a time. In my life, we call it my husbands second job. Because between meetings, sponsor, phone checks, therapist, reading list, journaling, every non-job moment of his day goes to this “second” one.

    Now get yourself some support, starting with a good therapist. Deciding what to do about the marriage doens’t have to happen right now. Make sure you and your child are safe. Listen to the four audio interviews on this site with JoAnn interviewing Barbara Steffens about her book “Your Sexually ADdicted Spouse: how partners can cope and heal”. There’s good first step material there. Start your own bank account if your don’t alreayd have one and get a credit card in your name. If you can’t tell your parents (my mother was too old to have to deal with it) tell a sibling or aunt or cousin you can trust with confidentiality. Someone close needs to know what you are dealing with. Especially with a young one to care for.

    That’s a beginning. Kat, I wish I could say the terrible hurt won’t last long–but it does. So do your homework on this thing, protect you and your chidren’s well-being, leave room for healing and reconciliation if you want to, don’t beat yourself up aobut it–you couldn’t possibly have imagined what you have discovered. And you couldn’t have stopped it even if you could.

    The forces of life in us and around us in the world is very strong. Lean into it. Trust it.

    ligthbeams to you,
    Diane.

  6. Kat,

    A warm welcome to our rapidly growing (unfortunately) cyber support group that is filled with some very lovely individuals who have lived through or are living with the exact same things you are.

    I’ve been married to my husband for 22 years— There’s lots in life that happens that we didn’t ask for, but this one is very tough.

    There are some very encouraging things I’m hearing here, though and also some things to be weary of. Your husband confessed– That much is very good. The fact that he no longer wants to act out, however is BS and even the “net nanny”.(believe me, addicts find ways around that) Don’t fall for it, not that in theory he doesn’t want to, but the reality is that it is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay tooooooo soon. Whatever it is that made him go that route, in the first place is still there; he uses sex as a medium to self-medicate, cover up, relieve unyielding stress. There is no quick fix here and it usually takes years with some possible backward steps before someone can make the claims he is and truly be able to own it. Right now, he is most likely just acting on the fear of losing his family which temporarily is over-riding his need to act out, but with someone who’s been acting out as long as he has, it takes time. He has to discover and deal with the root of his pain– to face it, come to terms with it and THEN learn healthier (much healthier!) ways of coping with stressors, cause believe you me— life with all of its associated calamities, set backs, relationship and family crap and the endless myriad of situations that lead to intense stress ARE going to continue to trigger every dysfunctional button in his body.

    Now, the $64,000 question is— Does he truly WANT to recover and do the work necessary which is substantial and ongoing? Is he willing to face his demons and change his behavioral patterns? The patterns are learned and they can be altered, and re-learned but it takes acceptance, awareness, desire and a lot of soul-searching, and great therapeutic supports including possibly, some meds.

    We don’t have the answer to all of these questions, just yet. But, it sounds like you are both on the right track. If you don’t feel comfortable with this therapist– stop and find another who works better for you. There are many couples who have found their way back to each other and in a healthy way, but statistically it is not the majority. Perhaps now that this disease is becoming more wide-spread (or at least better known) and people are getting better informed, the statistics may change in favor of a larger percentage of recoveries. There is no absolute “cure.” As in the case of alcoholism and other addictions, the sex addict is forever more, a “recovering sex addict.” However, I do not believe that such labels need to identify a person, nor do they need to imply any sort of stigma. In fact, a person who can admit that they have a problem and are doing something positive to control it, is a winner, in my book.

    As for managing the hurt and anger… It is necessary to allow it and let it out as constructively as possible (which is very tough sometimes) and it is also one of the stages in our ongoing quest for our own recovery. Speaking with your therapist, venting here or on other sites. (check out “The Junkies’ Wives Club”— Lots of very interesting women there with tons of support and interesting, and informative blogs. Journaling or blogging can be helpful and cathartic, as well.

    Also, I am a mother and I just about lost my mind when my kids were little. It is helpful to take breaks and take time out for YOU to do nice things for yourself and also spend quality time with your husband– ALONE, at least once a week. This is very important as it is so easy for the intimacy to just fly out the window after children come along. Also, I worked part-time outside the home, (and put my toddlers in day-care when I was away) which was a life saver.

    In any case, it is good for most of us to learn to be a bit more selfish. We do so much for others, but first we must take care of ourselves.

    xo,

    L

  7. “”I believe that Sexual Addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors can only be controlled if the addict seeks, and continues over the long term, a variety of counseling modalities including psychoanalysis of their childhood issues.””

    Ding Ding Ding! You win a million dollars.

    For healing of a marriage stopping the behavior is the fist priority, however in cases where the Sexual Addiction developed from Sexual Trauma such as abuse or rape then dealing with the Trauma takes priority over stopping the behavior.

  8. I agree.it can be controlled by seeking medical advice and also love and understanding from the family.you’re a brave woman to handle this kind of situation but i know god is always there for you..

  9. I was tossing and turning last night as usual,my mind racing and reaching what I hope was a new “AHA” moment. I remember what my grandmother told me…the only relationship advice she would ever give out to anyone, which is “respect is everything.” All good relationships, she said, were built on mutual respect. I came to realize last night that those words had never really sunk in as they have now. I can see how important respect really is. Above love, above tenderness, above anything and everything. You have nothing but shifting sands under your feet if you have no respect. This is when I realized my husband doesn’t respect me. He doesn’t respect our marriage, my boundaries certainly, but me. He doesn’t respect me. It’s debatable whether he respects women either. Which I think is true of a lot of SAs. They don’t really like women deep down and I think they don’t respect them. And I realized I have been living with his disrespect, and taking it subconsciously for years. His BS his lies and evasion, and really his manipulation. Unfortunately, that too has somewhat eroded what was my healthy self-esteem and respect for myself. How could it not? It’s a long, insidious process and you slowly start to lose your grip on who you really are and what you really want and it becomes normal. It becomes normal to doubt yourself, your observations and feelings, your sense of what you deserve and what is appropriate and healthy in a marriage/relationship. So I just wanted to share that with all of you on here. I’m sure many of you have come to this realization a while ago. As for me, this has tied it all in. I now realize no matter what else I think I need or want, I need respect. And since he can’t/won’t give it to me, then I will move on and there is no other option. I deserve respect and so does everyone here on this site. You start with respect.

  10. Yes we all deserve respect, the SA has not given it. For years… It does wear on you. You doubt yourself, your life, your relationship all for them. Someone whe never had your back or respected you. Its a tough realization. You will move on…. I am trying to navigate the same questions. Not sure how others make it work. Maybe they do have respect? Everyones story is different, or maybe they are able to grow it back??

    Not sure.

  11. Hello abused wives of SA’s. I have been married for almost twelve years to a SA. We were married at 21 and not even nine months into the marriage I discovered his use of prostitutes and escorts at an alarming rate. As a very young woman with a young child I stayed in the marriage and went to college (I thank the good Lord every day for that wisdom). Never worked after college though at the SA’s request. I don’t like to call him my husband because he never was. A husband does not cheat an entire marriage. He took out about 12 credit cards in my name and charged them up to fund his addiction. I found out in June 2010, it is now almost Semptember 2010 and I have survived the unwordable pain and agony. However I am twenty pounds lighter from the stress and grief and have very dark circles from the endless nights of aloness. It is like someone has thrown me in a pool of ice water and I have awaken. My SA spouse is also PA. When I cried about the betrayal he would physically act out as I shined a light on his demons. Oh girls, this sucks. I am filing for divorce soon and I am doing so because I dont want to live everyday thinking about prostitutes. I just want out of the dark abyss in which he lives. I give you girls credit for trying to make it work out. I am so frightened of the harsh reality of the real world who does not care that I am a victim of a SA and I feel so extra sensitive. I got a storage unit a couple days ago. I have been sleeping better since than. I think its because I have made a decision and am acting upon it. The worst days was not knowing whether to go or stay. Forgot to mention my SA spouse does not want to get divorced and blames me for not forgiving and forgetting. HA HA! He saw prostitutes days after Christmas and every anniversary for years and years. He spent an average of one thousand dollars a week on prostitutes in 2010. On my dime…luckily I have strong faith to not react to this in a crazy way. Just thought I would type some words here. I dont know if it helps but it helps me to know I am not alone in my suffering. I wish us all luck and love in the future and I hope we can go on living life uneffected by the torment of SA. I really dont want SA to destroy my spirit. God Bless everyone.

    B

    1. Tormented.
      I know my last statement was lengthy, but it didn’t even cover everything.
      I guess as bizarre as this question is, here it goes.
      After all the years of lies and betrayal. he know suddenly after viewing porn 40 years, says he is done.
      Whenever I question anything, he becomes extremely angry and aggressive.
      Is it possible to just quit porn use cold turkey?

  12. Dear sadladyfromnj,

    You are definitely NOT alone! And thank you for sharing your very difficult, very painful story.

    At 33, you are still so very very young, although, I imagine it doesn’t feel like it right now— I admire you greatly for having the courage to seek out wellness for yourself and child(ren). Every situation is different, but sometimes FEAR is such a motivating factor that for some women, it keeps them locked in the chains of paralyzing stagnation–even in the face of clear cut abuse. (this isn’t a judgment, just an observation) In your case, I can see an inner strength that will allow you to move away from this hell.

    The “real world” can be harsh at times, yes, but it is also full of so much beauty and wonderment and all of it is out there, awaiting you– welcoming you with its warm, loving embrace.

    Love,

    Lorraine

  13. hmmm… just reading this again…

    HE TOOK OUT 12 CREDIT CARDS IN YOUR NAME WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT???

    Honey, that’s FRAUD and its a FELONY.

    Have you consulted with a lawyer? Please document as much as you can. grrrrrrrr… This is enraging!!!!!!!!

    xo,

    L

  14. Hello Lorraine. Thanks for getting back to my post. Yes what he did was fraudulent and a long story. My credit was better than his and would take out cards in my name but not ever let me look at the mail. I know it seems crazy I allowed that but he had a way to belittle me as he is an accountant and made me feel like I was not capable of handling bills. He is totally a PA man. The problem is I believe that after awhile he would put a credit card in my wallet with my name on it and tell me to buy groceries, gas, etc. on it. I thought he was being wise by earning points or getting cards with small APR’s or interest free for six months etc. I had NO idea he was charging these cards to the max to pay for life bills while using the ATM to take out cash for his prostitutes. If I could only post the sickness as it appears on the bank statements that I have recently discovered. I now know why he went through two jobs a year. Went to work to seek out a prostitute on craigs list than took two hour lunches to be with her than went back to work find another escort and left work early. 2010 was his downfall however as his addiction escalated which I guess like in any addiction it takes more and more to get high. I am totally looking for a great lawyer to represent me. I wont let kill me financially as well. There must be something I can do. I have proof of some credit cards that he western unioned prostitutes money and bought $300 a night hotel rooms on my cards. I have so much tangible evidence that I am sure I will be able to leave the marriage debt free as we have a lot of equity in our home. Even if I did leave with nothing it is better to be free than to be living with SA. I have a plan to first move my stuff out before I seek legal help. He is a violent man and I want to feel like I can leave in the blink of an eye if he gets very angry about me filing for divorce. I dont know if the other women in here feel like this but I think he likes being married to me because I make him feel somewhat normal when he knows he is anything but normal. I know he doesnt want to tell people he is divorced and have to EXPLAIN WHY. I believe it is his motivation for wanting to save the make believe marriage. I will keep you ladies informed of exactly what the lawyer tells me as I am sure other women are in the same situation and the debt makes them afraid to leave. If I have to press charges for fraud I will. I am not sure if the law cares that I was under his thumb mentally, emotionally, and financially or not. But I can say this… I NEVER in my married life tried to open a credit card. Now I GET the mail…boy was that frightening to see and realize the debt with my own eyes. SA is betrayal in ALL forms, even financially. It is a mess but I am determined to leave it behind. Thanks for responding Lorraine. I am studying this site thoroughly and find it very helpful.

    1. Dear sadladyfromnj
      I too am a sad lady from NJ
      Your situation sounds ridiculously like my own.
      Seven years ago, myself and my husband and business partner were summoned to the IRS for unpaid taxes. Because like you, my husband was getting all the mail. Straight from the post office. I never saw any of the IRS notices that had been coming for years.
      In my husbands usual style, grandiosity and his constant feeling of being above the law – we went to the IRS meeting ill prepared and unrepresented by an attorney.
      I could have been blown over with a feather.
      However, leaving that meeting – my husbands antics continued. Financially and verbally. Always assuring me that “everything was going to be OK” with all his empty promises and feelings of entitlement.
      Six months later, and nothing changed, the IRS started to levy my business accounts.
      That was right after I found out that 3 of our 4 homes were in foreclosure!
      But he did manage to pay the mortgage on our vacation home where his 32 foot yacht was.
      At this point, I contacted an attorney and took control of ALL the finances.
      I rebuilt a new business on my own, put 3 children through college, and gave 2 weddings.
      When he retired, (only after I had to pay 20,000 for him to do that in funds he owed) – his behavior demonstrated became even more bizarre, out of control, irresponsible and scarey.
      He had absolutely no sense of responsibility to anything, other than himself.
      He would lay in our basement for days and sometimes weeks not communicating with his family.
      He twisted and turned everything that we talked about.
      He cannot maintain ANY promises.
      After his retirement, he was so difficult to be around, everyone just ignored him, including me.
      What a mistake.
      About 6 months after retiring, he needed and wanted HIS OWN MONEY.
      He created a beautiful sham of what a bad, mean, vindictive, manipulative wife I was to him, and I was driving him crazy.
      That was hilarious.
      Unfortunately then- violence became a reality in our relationship.
      He was out of the house for 2 months, but in his usual style, he had used all the money he had to present a picture of grandiosity he couldn’t maintain.
      He moved back in, for many reasons in my mind. Lets try to amicably work as a couple/parents/grandparents to figure things out in a systematic fashion. Divorce or no divorce, I felt we owed it to ourselves mostly.
      3 weeks after moving back home–I found he had been on 7 different porn sites.
      His bizarre explanations left me feeling nothing but cheated.
      The true magnitude of his porn/masturbation and public masturbation trickled out over months.
      All the while claiming how he is not addicted – but he has been engaged in porn etc. for at least 40 years. (he is 57)
      I have no words.
      He ruined my good credit, spent my 800,000 inheritance on who knows what else.
      While I have rebuilt my business and doing well, that is the problem – if I divorce him – as he says “he is entitled to half of EVERYTHING”
      I have proof that he remorgaged homes by forging my name just to get the cash (About 500,000)
      The IRS still has a levy on my home, and honestly would walk away with absolutely nothing if I left.
      Not even a place to run my business from.
      It just makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about all the wasted years, while I was busy trying to rebuild a new business, he was busy getting penile injections, paying for porn sites, masturbating in public.

  15. Sadladyfromnj just want to tell you if you have not found a lawyer try to find one who just does matrimonial law only this in NJ Ive found carries allot of weight.Try website superlawyers in keyword put matrimonial law.I hope this is of some help