Where do I begin? I’m 63,married to a sex addict for 35yrs, didn’t find out til 10yrs into the marriage what I was dealing with and I’m the poster child of why younger women should take heed and cut their losses. Every day I regret that I didn’t leave when I was young, healthy,had a good job and lot’s of energy to get my life to a better place.
I first found out about my husband’s Sex Addiction in 1987. My husband was going to individual therapy and told the therapist that he had been acting out sexually with hookers and porn. Through the urging of this counselor he told me. I threw things at him. We came home and had coffee (that’s funny) and it was like ok now it’s out and we are on the way to healing and normality.
I must say that I thought this man was my soul mate (whatever that is). We were so much in love,had a great sex life,he accepted my 2 yo daughter like she was his own(he didn’t abuse either of our kids and I’m certain of this )however now I will not allow him to be in the same room with my granddaughter’s ever!
I thought I had hit the jackpot after a rather short but un-fulfilling marriage previously. I actually had an affair with my #2 husband and ran away from my home for him. A couple of years into the marriage I noticed that he masturbated a lot but didn’t think much of it since we had such a fantastic sex life(but looking back it was a little red flag). Now mind you this was the 70’s so no computers and internet to make it so convenient. I never found magazines or tapes and I never noticed that he looked a lot at other women..he was very attentive to me. A dream come true (a bad dream or more like a nightmare).
In 1991 it came to light again that he was going to hookers. I’m not sure how I found out this time but everything hit the fan and I kicked him out. He got his own place. I was relieved. Raising my kids, working, having a life. Life was good.
He went to therapy and a 12 step program and was walking the walk and talking the talk to recover. Things were getting back to normal again. Then in 93′ I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease and had to quit my job and go on disability. I was very sick for a few years. He was very caring and was there to take care of me as well as work at his own job. This seemed like a man who was truly doing the in sickness and in health thing. I didn’t even think about the fact that he was acting out . I was too sick to care really.
Bottom line is that I have come to realize that all he ever did was half-assed recovery so that to me is like no recovery at all He was in therapy, we were in couples therapy and he was still into hookers and porn (by this time the internet was around). Every once in a while we would argue about his addiction usually after I found something, an truthfully, I over the years have chosen to turn my back on all this crap because even though it was/is dysfunctional it was still working at some level for us.
I stopped having sex with him many years ago. Over the years I was given herpes and some sexually transmitted diseases. I am grateful that I did not get HIV/Aids.
Now my dilemma is what to do. He is retired, still looks at porn and gets mad if I happen to find him and it’s like why the hell are you mad. I’ve been the one betrayed and thrown under the bus for 35yrs.
I am just comfortable financially but would not be if I left now. I have to figure out if I can continue to stay and still have a life or if I have the energy and strength to go(or have him go). Either way we could not keep this house, everything would have to be split.
He is such a two faced person, so nice to everyone Mr.Charming–blech! It makes me want to vomit. He’s a narcissist and I really believe a borderline sociopath. I once loved him so much and now the sight/sound of him makes me cringe.
I’m sure many of you are wondering how it went on so long. Believe me it’s easy. You hope against hope. You see all kinds of little signs that things are changing and you hang in for many reasons; children, money, love, just because and the years go. I don’t think I ever fully realized what I was dealing with til I was far into this marriage and now I don’t really care. I hold no hope for him to change. I can only hold hope for myself to find some peace. I’m too old for this s—..!!
That’s why I would agree with the others on this site that have said RUN DON’T WALK…and never look back. It will steal your soul and every fiber of your being. It will make you a bitter and angry. It will make you sick.
Peace to All, Jaded
I have so much more to say but just wanted to get this started. Thanks for your support!
Thank you for telling your story. I think the best advice we, the more mature members of this community, can give to the younger ladies is:
RUN. DON’T WALK. NEVER LOOK BACK. You will never know the heartache that you have avoided, but you need to do it.
AMEN SISTER!!!!! RUN. DON’T WALK. I wish I had someone tell me that 20 years ago!
Thank you for sharing your difficult story with us, Jaded… I agree with your advice, as well. I hope that you can find a way to have some peace, no matter where your path takes you.
BTW, some say that a “soul-mate” is someone who comes into your life to teach you something.
Perhaps, but my experience has been that a soul-mate is a being who comes into someone’s life in order to rob them of their soul to use for themselves, as they do not possess one of their own. In other words– the term “soul-mate” is bullshit.
xo ~ Lexie
I understand Jaded story completely. I, also, have been married for 24 years,( with a long history dating before that.) My husband stopped having sex with me a month into my pregnancy and our son is 23 years now. I found out his secrets about 3 years ado. We have lived through lie after lie, in couples and individual therapy. It was unfortunate that I had to dig through all the files over 20 years myself, each time uncovering the truths.
Now he refuses to go to SA meetings, and feels meditation (to remain present) is an avenue toward healing, and goes every other week to private therapy. We no longer go to couples therapy, since I feel its a waste of my time.
I stayed in a sexless, unemotional relationship because I was scared to face life on my own, and never wanted to to subject my son to the likes of another woman if we divorced.
He supported us well, makes a good living, is very charming, handsome, both fun and funny. But he lacked a soul.
When my son went off to college I had hatched a plan to leave then and start over, But I froze and couldn’t face it.
And by shear accident I found out about who this guy I married really was. A heartless, sociopath who had every woman he wanted,,,,and was addicted to cybersex and pornography. And to top it off he fell in love with a fellow worker and carried on for about 10 years.
Yes, I should have run, run as fast as I could, and regret I didn’t long before this. I did try several times, but I guess he told me what I wanted to hear and I came back to him.
One good thing that came out of this is that I found my old confidence, even at the age of 61, and lead my own damn life,
thank you all for listening and I hope this makes Jaded feel better that she isn’t alone .
That is something hard about the sex addicts, at least about my husband. He has this huge problem, when he is having a relapse he can be really grumpy and cold, but is not every day or every time. And in another hand he is so helpful at home. When I was sick and stayed one night in the hospital he stayed there with me for all night, by myside holding my hand for all night, even though he had to work the next morning. When I’m working in the morning and he is off, he wakes up early just to drive me to work. He makes dinner when I don’t want to cook. He cleans the house. And he is not all the time or everyday grumpy and cold. it is like he is cold and grumpy for one week and the month, until he gets his “drug”. And I know it is awful, but he has a good side too. What I mean is if he was totally bad would be more easier to leave him. ‘Cause even he having this problem, when I’m comparing him to another husbands that I know (some friends’ husbands of mine) I saw that he is not that bad. My friends they are every time complaining about their husbands, because they don’t help them, they don’t help with the kids, even when my friends are sick. Or that they never makes a surprise to them in their birthdays, etc. And my husband he does these things, he help me, he cares when I’m sick, he makes me surprises in my birthdays, etc. So it is really hard.
I am having the same difficulity. I have a SA husband who is loving, caring, and has a huge heart. I love him deep in my soul, we are soul mates. The problem is that he snaps and becomes verbally abusive. I have been dealing with this for 15 years, and understand his rant, but I have had enough. I believe he is a SA because of the multiple affairs he has had. Our marriage is 95 percent awesome, but that Jeckel and Heide side of him…I don’t know how to handle this!
I am 29. I have a two-year old daughter. He has been to very expensive treatment. He still hasn’t stopped. I am running and not looking back!
Thank you all so much!
I just want to say I’m so proud of you for leaving and moving on with your life. Please do everything you can for yourself and your daughter to ensure that you live a normal life from now on. There are good men out there but I hope that you take quite some time before even thinking of dating again. I’ve wasted my whole life (married at 20 didn’t find out untill I was 50) because I didn’t listen to my gut instincts and ignored every red flag that was put right in front of me. But anyway, such a small percentage really ever change or recover from this type of behavior that it’s good in a way that you found out when you are still young enough to have a great life and find a fulfilling relationship with a normal guy. Wishing you all the best. Just remember to never give your power away to any one again.
This applies to many, if not most, couples. But I have seen couples whose relationship has been resored (mine included). The key is that he gets it….not just that it is wrong, but how he has hurt you. And of course gets into recovery and stays there. I don’t think the wives of addicts who are on recovery are as likely to come on a site like this, so this may not be an accurate representation of all marriages/addicts. But I would say 75% of the addicts who come into my office don’t get it, and at this point, my thinking is that if they don’t get it within a couple sessions, they never will. So, yes, if your husband doesn’t know how to empathize and be patient with you as you grieve, RUN. But if he is really trying to be a better man, really willing to do whatever it takes, and following through, the marriage can be saved.
Thank you so much for your positive comments! While I agree the odds are extremely slim that SA’s will ever be able to survive (notice I didn’t say cure, bc there is no such thing) their addiction and move forward in a real relationship, I think it is possible. Your husband and JoAnn’s husband (I belive that’s correct from what I’ve read on here) are living proof.
It doesn’t change the extremely sad fact that most of us on here can’t say that about our husband’s, we have quite the opposite story of nightmare after nightmare like Jaded tells us. I really did see my husband trying for a while. For a while he “got it”, and I believe he wanted to survive his addiction. If that was all lies, I don’t know, but I did see someone trying.
I think in his case he thought he could “beat” the addiction, and it would disappear, and when that didn’t happen, and he “fell” again, he was too ashamed to admit and tell me about it, and the whole self image presevation became more important to him. He convienced himself nothing would help, and then tried to convice me I was crazy when I saw so many signs he was back to hiding things again.
Even though we are going through a divorce, and he will no longer be around any of the people we knew together, he now lives in another town, etc, he still won’t give me any peace of mind to let me know what had been going on, and has turned meaner than ever to fight to preserve that good guy image.
So, while I agree the odds are dismal, and I’d have a greater chance of winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes than most of the SA’s do of “getting it” and getting into a life of true recovery, it is nice to hear the stories of those husbands that did as yours did.
Jaded, my heart breaks for you and please post on here often for hugs of support in your difficult situation!!
Yes, I believe I am now where you are. I think I saw that he WANTED to try. He WANTED to be that other person. But it is just too hard.
The inherent laziness which is part of choosing the quick fixes of addiction, and the lack of self worth that allows someone to make that choice OK with themselves, precludes them having the strength of will to make the changes. If caught early, maybe there would be a chance. But after years of feeding the quick fix brain loop, they don’t have the skills remaining to look down the long road, to work hard and hold out for the final goal. Their sense of reality truly seems to be that, if other people believe something is true, that is all that matters. So any lie which sounds good and gets the other person out of the SA comfort zone is fine.
I guess, in a way, since one’s reality is only real within the brain, that they are right. For them.
I deserve much more, however. I realize that I didn’t confront him directly and strongly enough when my needs weren’t being met. Perhaps I was, rightly, afraid that he would be incapable of meeting them and so didn’t push it. Maybe I was afraid to try to meet his needs, too, so opted for a lazy route. Maybe I knew I would have to make a choice and follow through, and was uncertain where to draw the line in the sand between compromising and accepting human flaws, and unacceptable lack of involvement on the part of my marriage partner.
I forgive myself for not forcing the issue when I thought I was doing the right thing. And I never was the cruel, nasty, vindictive witch he needed to make me into, that object of fear and longing, just like his mother, that needed placated and made life more thrilling to sneak around on because of that level of fear. And I never, ever, chose to go back on the basic commitments which he and I agreed on were the foundation of our ‘relationship.’
But an addict, an emotional three year old, cannot make commitments. They simply say whatever sounds right and good and don’t even think about nor hear the words they say. I think this is half the gaslighting and crazy making affect. They say BS and they don’t even hear themselves any more than they listen to our needs or concerns.
I cannot take the lying and the hiding any more. I am not strong enough to be there for him when he is not only not there for me, but actively hurting me with his actions. I feel so sad for his future. I must focus on my own.
I am a 50 year old woman who has been married to my sex addict husband since 1983. I can only speak from my experience so for what ever that’s worth…..
My SA (I’ll call him that throughout this, since fucktard would be inappropriate) and I have been attending 12 step meetings since 2001- that is when I first found out he was a sex addict. SA meetings for him and S-anon meeting for me. In addition to our individual 12-step work, we have been in individual therapy, marriage counciling, sex therapy, amd we have both been sponsors in our program. Moreover, my SA, built a very successful company last year!!!!! We have one child together, a son who is attending a very well known university and is doing excellent work, leadership programs bla bla bla. Oh, and might I add that we are very philanthropic in our community and are board members of our religious temple. I only share this because it is text book behavior of how multidimensional SA’s can be. My SA is a liar and worst of all, he is manipulative. This disease is one of forgetfulness and self rightness indignation. He suffers from narcissism, anxiety, and very low self esteem. Now I’m not saying I am without issues. I suffer from depression, adult ADD, low thyroid, and high blood pressure. However, my depression has not caused anyone in my family trauma. My SA’s sexual misconduct has stolen my soul. I have felt incapable, weak, doubtful, confused, and at times I was unable to pick out an avocado in the grocery for fear of failure.
Oddly enough, early in my program, I was able to sensitive, patient, optimistic, even happy…….
Until I began to trust myself and my gut. Over the last 10 years, my SA has been fucking other women, in chat rooms, getting prostitutes, porn, and to make it more crazy, as a couple, we were having great sex!!!
I made the decision to separate last November, and I am filing for divorce in two weeks.
I could stay, in fact getting a divorce is going to be a lot of work. But, the experience of living with an SA is and has been harmful to my soul, my core, my spirit.
I am fearful of the future, and the ambiguity… But I’m getting my dignity back.
I am empathetic to what is happening in your life and hope my “crap” helps in some way.
I appreciated your story. I will be 50 next year, found my husbands stash two years ago after 23 years of “marriage.” I agree with you, these relationships have nothing to offer except heartache. They will steal your soul and destroy you if you let them. My advice to the younger ladies is to LEAVE THE SON OF A BITCH as soon as possible.
My best to you, Betty
One more thing, Zachette….
Fucktard is perfectly appropriate.
Fucktard works for me.
I applaud your courage! Thunderous cheers from the stands!
BTW… Hmmm… I just saw an acquaintance of mine who’s a board member of our Temple,(that we don’t belong to anymore, because no one gives a shit and we can’t afford the dues, anyway) at the A&P…lol
Come to think of it, her husband is one tremendous prick… and now, I wonder…
xo ~ Lexie
Need advise!! I’m in middle of a bitter divorce with my soon to be ex-husband who is a sex addicted which I recently found out he’s been for a long time. The divorce proceedings have become brutal due to my discovery of who he actually is. He so happens to be a very well know PSYCHIATRIST (M.D.) who specializes in addiction. Does it get any better than that? They come in all shapes and professions! My questions or in need of advise is that we have a child together (pre teen) and has vanished from his life do to probably shame of him knowing about his father behavior. The child is very confused and limited on funds and is planning to go with him this weekend paintballing so his father can pick up the slack and pay. His father has said to him “I never wanted this to happen to our family” and most recently said to his son “I don’t want to change!” Talk about distorted thinking and confusing an innocent child. I’m just concerned about him manipulating him and “stealing his soul” for they are known to destroy anyones self being. There were many times his son tried to reach out to him only to be put down. Summer is here and he never looks for him, nor has he for the past two summers.
Please give me your thoughts.
WELL, WELL, WELL……..Physician, heal thyself! Isn’t this rich? You’re sitting in the catbird seat. You’ve now got all the leverage you could ever possibly want to get a nice settlement from the good doctor. What would happen to Dr. Dick-brain’s practice if you spilled your guts?
I think you should USE this information to take him to the cleaners. Your child is going to need a lot of therapy. Is your son safe in his “care?”
WIth respect to your son: My kids were older than yours when I learned the truth. Throughout their lives, they were nothing but noisy distractions to my dick brain. They were never his priority or concern. I think your experience vis a vis the addicts interest in and involvement in your husband’s life is pretty typical. Therapy……factor that into your settlement calculations. Double his hourly rate, double the number of sessions you think your son will need…..and give it to your lawyer. USE IT SISTER!
My best, Betty
Too true. Many a person goes into a field to find out what is wrong with them. Addict psychiatrist indeed.
Listen to your son. If he doesn’t want to see his father, tell the lawyers that. Most states will take the child’s choice into account now days. And yes, include the price of therapy into the settlement. Mostly, document, document, document, EVERYTHING. Keep every phone record, when and how long. Every email. Every bill, every item that shows his addiction and how much it cost, absolutely everything.
I know it is hard, but keep your head. Do you utmost to come across as the sane one, the adult in the relationship. Oddly, the more calmly you point out the faults of a sex addict, the more flustered and insane they become, whereas the more raging and insane we act, the better they are at pushing down their panic and acting calm and austere.
Besides, after the angst and frustration, it can be kind of fun to poke at them by being so serene and watching them go ballistic. In the court room would be preferable!
And mostly, take care of your son and yourself! Love him, and you, and be good to each other.
When I read your post I almost passed out! My h is also an “addiction Psychiartrist”!!!! I have never been able to admit this on any blog or to anyone outside the “select few” who know the details! I was so embarrassed to admit this! You’ve enabled me to finally get this part of my story out! Reading all these post from everyone and feeling each and everyone’s pain from finding out that the man they loved and married was a SA, I find it doubly painful when our husbands are suppose to be helping the husbands of others and can’t even help themselves!!! I knew when I married him he had an alcohol problem, but thought LOVE could cure anything. I then found out about the affairs 7 years into our marriage, mostly nurses in the hospital and office, maybe Pharm reps too! He was sooooo remorseful and said he would change. I believed him-what a big mistake!
Now almost 30 years together, he has remained sober from alcohol, drugs and women (physically, I think), but I just found out this past year has had an internet sex addiction that has been going on for God knows how long. I still don’t know the extent of everything he has done. I am sick to my stomach. The pain runs so deep it is hard to describe.
I wish I had run and not looked back years ago. Now in my middle 50″s, I ask myself the same questions a lot of the others ask, Who would want me now????
We have recently separated and I am feeling so much better with him not here. I am trying to remain hopeful since he was able to gain sobriety from his other addictions, but at this point I am so tried and emotionally drained I don’t think I can deal with him or his addictions anymore. He has sucked the life out of me. I use to be a very happy, friendly person and over the last several years have totally isolated myself from everyone and everything I used to enjoy. I go out and wonder if the people around me know who my husband really is? I couldn’t fake it anymore. From the outside he is a nice guy, but the inside tells a very different story.
But, I too worry about how I am going to support myself and wonder where I will end up. I have always worked at least part-time, just for extra spending money, but do not have a way of supporting myself. I think I held on for so long because of finances, but also the children. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home! I think I have done more damage to them by staying in an unhealthy relationship than if I had just left 20 years ago. Although we never really fought or argued, there has been a lot of “tension” and “avoidance” within the family structure. It has not been the “HAPPY HOME” I had longed for.
My children do know about the infidelity, although not the true extent of it. I made him tell them when we told them about the separation. Even though they are older, they are still struggling with the separation. No matter how you slice it, it ain’t easy for anyone involved!
I am like so many who post on this site, asking myself how do you make the decision to divorce? I am scared, for my future and my children. I want to believe he will take care of us, no matter what the outcome, but now I’m not sure what he is capable of. In a million years I would have never guessed he was capable of the atrocities he has committment within our relationship.
Now I second guess everything! I struggle with what is real and what is another one of his lies, secrets and misconceptions of what our relationship really is. How can someone live the life they are living and still act “normal”, like everything is OK.
I am learning to NOT accept responsiblity for his actions and choices and growing healthier for my own well being. As one of the quotes from this site says: I am learning and willing to let go of the life I had planned for and trying to accept the life that is awaiting me.
To all of us who are struggling with this HORRIBLE life changing disease that has taken our spouses from us, I wish everyone strength, hope and the courage to procede into wherever their intuition is leading them. Listen to your intuition!!!! I wish I had.
Oh Betty! It’s not as it appears in getting a good settlement. Dr. CooCoo has done everything in his power to punish me and my son for discovering his “secret life” after being married 20 yrs. He has REDUCE his work so I don’t get anything, and has punished his son as well by not providing funds for his sports/summer camp etc. It’s so true what you read of these vicious people when then turn for the worst. They will destroy anyone in its path! My good Lawyers (more than 1) are on it for the past 2 years, and now Dr. CooCoo is taking it to TRIAL-and he claims he has “no money.” Alot of the sexual escapades he had was with Pharmaceutical Whores in the work force. “Give me sex etc. and I’ll push the drug for you= pharm. rep. good sales increase in salary and bonus!” He also harbors ALOT of anger since the some of his psychiatric peers have been made aware of who he is. I’m NOT keeping quiet anymore, but then again it’s a double sword he’s my paycheck (stay at home Mom for 16 yrs). Con artist, manipulator, man whore, worthless piece of _hit! The child suffers with trying to understand such a Heavy burden, and just wanting a Dad in his life. So very very hard. I have no support for all my family is deceased, it’s just my son and I vs. Dr. CooCoo. I’ve spoke with my son and said just make the best of it tomorrow, and if you feel in danger-call me, and keep this money close to you if you should need to flee. The burden and agony a woman has to go through with these _uckin bastards! Illinois DOES NOT allow a child to refuse to see a parent. His whole goal is to throw us out of the house and into the street. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde indeed. Please pray for a safe trip and some happiness for my son.
THANK you for listening and your advise as I try to get ride of this man who is sludge in my life.
Thanks for the warning. Over the years, I have discovered many times what my husband was doing on the computer. He never ever admitted anything, but the red flags made me dig and find the porn, chatlines, whatever the fuck these websites offer, sick and perverted crap. He is even into gay sites etc. To this day, he vows he never has done anything physically. But the websites he has been on tell a different story. What really gets to me is how he can lie and manipulate me. I am done being treated this way. I am feeling strong enough now to get out, but part of me does not, but I know things will never change. He is incapable of opening up and sharing his feelings and being honest. Only after I have confronted him with evidence, has he ever admitted to anything. He knew if he was ever caught again, it would be over. So 3 days ago, on our 32nd anniversary, I found the evidence after believing his lies for the last 8 years since the last time. Now that I have found this site, I am becoming so much more aware of how these sick men operate!! Whenever I feel weak, I come here and read the stories, its making me stronger to know that I can do nothing to help this man and I need to get out and start over!
Thank you for your story. It is helping solidify my decision to divorce my husband of 4 years…we have a 3 year old and 1 year old…It’s been 4 months of knowing the truth and of him in a fake-recovery…and me in a cycle of pain, discovering lies, etc. I don’t want to be in this same position years down the road. I will “take head and cut my losses” just like you suggest. Thank you!
You are so fortunate to have the presence of mind to know what you must do. It is a difficult step to take but the most important thing you will do to stand up for yourself and your children. Don’t ever look back, and if you do, come back here, read all the stories and you will be thankful that you took this step.
You are giving yourself and children the chance to hava a happy stable life, congratulations and all the best to you!
Jeanette (and others, please help),
Thank you for your reassurance. I do still feel some internal struggle. My biggest fear is that he WILL change and become the great guy I always thought he was and that I still feel he has the potential to become…and some other woman will benefit from that evolution. And he’ll make her so happy, they’ll have this great relationship, he’ll be faithful. And that my path will be one of single motherhood struggles and no romantic love. I have many fears about divorcing him but this is the biggest…is that crazy? I go back and forth with trying to give him time, and us going to counseling…I question if God wants me to try to work this through or “run don’t walk” like most of you suggest. I don’t want to have hope for him but I do…I think because we have 2 small daughters. It’s hard not to have hope he will change, since I want them to benefit from a normal and good father. So, how do I separate my hope for them versus hope that could benefit me too?… And how do I believe, truly believe, that I can divorce him, and live a secure life AND find love again? That someone will want to be in a relationship with a 40 year old with 2 small children?
What’s so hard is that he is such a great father (so far anyway) and does love our children so much. It’s hard to see this redeeming quality in him and not have hope he can change. That he means the words he says…even when his actions don’t match.
Please help! I want peace so badly! I want confirmation on which path to take from God himself/herself! I pray for it all the time…and even when I think I have received the signs that I should leave, I question it…Ugh…to be in a relationship (especially a marriage/romantic relationship) with an addict…it’s crazy…I have lived my whole life with 2 drug addict uncles and watched my grandmother never lose hope for them. One has been sober for 15 years, the other has been an addict since he was a teenager (he’s over 60 now)…she died last year…and she always had hope he would change and supported him every way she could…How do you let go of hope? I don’t want it!! I really don’t!!
Comments, please!! Thank you! Xo
I am so sorry about your struggles and I do understand thendifficulty in making a decision.
If I could ask a favor? Would you please send me your story so that others can comment to you directly about it, rather than mixing your story here with Jaded’s? Most send to [email protected]
Thanks so much.
JoAnn! When reading your post I feel like it is me that it talking! I am 38 and have been married for 10 years. My husband had 1 5 month affair (2 months into our marriage I found out about the affair)and two sexual encounters that I knew about after 8 years of marriage (not including the affair). 3 months ago I found a separate cell phone with 30 women he was meeting up with and he had a separate identity. He finally told me that he was a SA and has been cheating on me our entire 10 year marriage and has dated over 100 women and has had sex with God knows how many. He started going to therapy and SA meetings, but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. I have started divorce proceedings, but have not filed. I am thinking that I need to file because I just want to be happy and everything I though my marriage was…NEVER WAS. I also struggle bc he is a very good father, but a terrible husband. I could totally relate to your comment about him getting healthy and having a monogomous relationship with another woman and my fears of being alone! I am so scared of what divorce will do to our children, but at the same time, they are 9 and 11 and I know that they know that things are not good. I am so scared and confused. I keep holding o to this dream of what I though I had, but never did. At the same time, I envision myself and fantasize about being with a man who truly loves me and wants to be with only me! I can’t even go on Facebook anymore bc i see my friends in their “happy” marriages and I get more depressed wondering “why can’t that be me?” I told him that i want a divorce and he is moving into the basement until we can get our finances in order. I can’t help but fantasizing about just finding someone else to sweep me off my feet to forget about him, but I love him, and of course it does not help that he is so damn good looking, which makes me jealous and does not want anyone else to have him, although everyone already HAS!
This goes out to( patriatri2)
I was struck by your feeling that he would “get better” and then have the life you always wanted with your husband.
I had that exact conversation with my husband 10 years ago and I know the exact spot where wen had that conversation.
Sadly for me and my husband, he was unable to stay sexually sober in SA. He had many times where he was “sober” but this times were so fleeting, I really can’t recount any. I am just beginning on my road to divorce, scared shitless, not sure why, but I’m scared. I’m sad, and my heart is broken.
But, I know this is the right path for me for ONE REASON AND ONE REASON…I’m not fighting with myself about it, I have been having a secret battle I side with my intellect and my emotions, its exhausting. I got quiet and listened to my core, not my brain. I began to listen to my body. Sound like Oprah or whatever, but I quit listening to all the bullshit from everyone and became my advocator. Now I also have to tell you that I suffer from depression so I have needed medical support.
Moreover, all the stress that finally got me to a somewhat peaceful place…. Threw me into menopause. I had no idea that if a woman does not produce estrogen she wil go fucking crazy!!!!
Anyway, try the best you can to take care of yourself. This SA disease and the lying and betrayal that goes along with it is horrific.
I pray that you will find your dignity, peace and serenity. And when you do, box it up and mail it to Atlanta.
Thank you! It feels so good to hear you went through the same though process. I will try hard to find the peace, dignity and serenity you wish for me. I hope you find it too!
Yes, we all have the worry that we will be the catalyst that will suddenly PROPEL our loved one into the man we know he can be. And some actually do manage this… But, for how long? One year, two, ten? and then… one day, he will lose his job, he will have a health scare, a parent will die, and he will long for that fix that only another woman can give him… and by then your two little girls will be teen-agers and you will be 50. (or like your h, he might be faking the recovery, from the get go.)
I am 55 and married to my SA who just realized after 23 years of marriage that he has a BIG problem; just this week.
40 is still quite young and lots and lots of men love older women, anyway! (well-kept secret). 😉
For you its been only four months and ALREADY the recovery is fake? Well, honey, this is about as cut and dried as it can be. The recovery rate is only at about 5%. The ones who do recover,(and I’m actually wondering if ANY can actually manage to make a life-long recovery) take it exceptionally seriously and make MASSIVE changes in their lives without prompting, cajoling, or any of that.
They change and work towards recovery, because they desperately WANT to. They don’t want to be the person that they REALIZE that they are. They LOATHE that person and want to recover more than anything else on the face of this good earth. (and sadly, a lot of these guys, no matter how hard they try, cannot manage to get well)
But… and this is important. THERE IS NO CURE. NONE. So, while he might have recovered well enough to not act out, he is STILL GOING TO BE A SEX ADDICT FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE AND WILL BE SUSCEPTIBLE TO A RELAPSE AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
can you live with this knowledge?
That voice that you are hearing that is telling you to leave, is your soul, my dear. Your soul is gasping for air and deathly afraid that you are about to crush what little is left of it. Oh, how I know… and my final hit came just five short days ago. The other thoughts are your head, playing games with you and this is true for pretty much all of us.
We so want to believe that there is hope. Of course we do… we love the poor sonuvabitch. (and oftentimes, this is actually reality and not just a metaphor!)… but the reality is that THIS is the most difficult addiction to beat. An alcoholic can give up booze. A drug addict can give up drugs, but a SA is supposed to not ever have sex or notice or look at a comely woman and the world is FILLED with them at every turning… although my sex addict has had a reckless affair with a fat, homely woman. Not to brag, but I’m in possession of more God-given gifts than is really fair— a beautiful warm smile, lovely soft skin (I’ve been told) a gorgeous, ex pro dancer svelte figure and a very pretty face, and long silky auburn hair– oh, and a long pair of shapely gams– tall and striking, I am. Men throw their backs out to get a glimpse of me as I enter a room. haha! Yes, I’ve been blessed!
But my husband never even gives me a second glance. He lays there, like a dead horse lying in the road. I can’t even BEGIN to compare to a fat, homely, lonely girl who has her fingers up in wet places for a card board cut out of a man, because I am too REAL. And he is too afraid. He is trying to get some help now. I’m not holding onto any hope. I know too much about how this all works.
I have been around this addiction every which way possible, and have even been an unwitting participant which was a nightmare, I may never recover from. (when my SA suggested that I date?!?!?) Yes, fucked up doesn’t even begin to cover it. I have lived the pathology and got inside its head, and honey… its the darkest most evil place that you can possibly imagine.
And it escalates.
AND– you have two little GIRLS, who are going to hid puberty just as he HITS his mid-life “crisis” (never mind, his life is already a succession of crises– because that’s what turns him on.) SA’s LOVE drama. They love ANY kind of excitement, (even if they say they don’t) because that is the only way that they know that they are actually alive. normal emotions have no effect on them. they are too deadened.
Make your plan. Save yourself. Save your children. Get in, get on and GET OUT!
That is what I am doing… and its been five years in the making.
And yeah… i’m scared shitless too and there is no easy way out and I’m scared out of my mind, that its going to be so difficult, that I may capitulate and sell my soul and stay. My h has some incredibly lovely qualities and at one time, he was my very best friend.
I promise you, though, that almost all, WILL hook up with another woman after the wife has split. This is because SAs need a patsy and placeholder– after all, what FUN is it if you aren’t fucking someone over while you are getting your hit of dopamine Eventually he will do what he did to you, to her.
100% GUARANTEED. In fact, his only chance at recovery is if he tries to fix what he has right now. But, the recovery is already fake. This is not going to change. He’s done you a big favor by presenting more of his REAL side, which is dark and deeply disturbed, rather than the fake side, which is a “good guy.”
But rest assured that it won’t be long before your replacement patsy will be in the exact same boat that you find yourself in right now. So, pity the next one and don’t be surprised if one day, she comes a knockin’ on your door askin’ you why you didn’t warn her???
NOTE: to self and all women dating a divorced man. INTERVIEW HIS (not-so-psycho-after-all) EX. She will tell you what you need to know to understand what you are really dealing with. The wheel doesn’t need to be reinvented and “psycho exes” are often traumatized victims. think about it. She wasn’t psycho. nope. That is, she wasn’t UNTIL he drove her to the brink of insanity.
All my best and love,
Thank you! THANK YOU! I will be printing this out – 2 copies, one for work and one for home so I can read it when I need to.
I’m sorry there was some major “news” this week from your husband…especially when you’ve already been through so much…I’ve been dealing with this for 4 months, after a 6 year relationship…I can’t imagine what it would feel like after decades of marriage/affairs and many years of tolerating, hoping, etc…I wish you all of the strength, peace and support as you transition in to your new life. And once you are there and ready for it, I wish you a new, true and real love…we all deserve that, right?…
Best of luck to you! And thank you again for sharing your experience and insight, I appreciate it!!
Your words mean so much to me. I just discovered my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years addiction. It escalated from porn, to having sex with 2 men, to anonymous hook-ups and now a full-blown affair. I am reeling from the realization that he is not what he seemed and heartbroken for our children who love each other dearly. I am seeking closure with him and offering to help him through this (he says he is committed to changing) as a friend, but only if he honors my boundary and stops the affair. He doesn’t connect his addiction with the affair, and thinks he really “cares about her.” I do feel some relief as he has a tendency to not be able to tolerate difficulties, and has been withdrawn for awhile. It is incredibly painful however, and cannot believe my best friend and lover would do this, destroying everything we had. During our weekend blow-ups he sobbed for hours, seemingly devastated by what he has done, but the fact that he is holding on to the affair, reveals that is is only lip service, not genuine change. This shit sucks, that is all I can say.
Hi everyone, I am new to this site and have posted a few comments here over the last week as starting_over_at_50, but I am just going to use my first name from now on ..I have been reading the posts on here every night for the last 10 days and I am so glad I came across this site.I have come to realize,no matter what my husband says, he can never be trusted. I am so done with living this nightmare. I have lived it for many years without knowing how bad it really was. But i am finding out more about the pattern of the addiction and how it effects the whole family. How they hide their dirty little secrets and act like they are saints. How they never seem to answer questions and leave you with even more questions. How they continually manipulate to take the focus off themselves. I could go on and on, but I think we all know the hell we have lived.
I have decided to start a new life after I found out my husband has not been clean for the last 8 years. He cannot be honest with me and I have to get on with my life now.
I have to do this for my sanity and to protect myself from the more lies and manipulation as he still hides behind his lies.
I am saddened by it because we had so many plans for the future and I do still love the person I thought he was. I see now it was only a Grand illusion..and I was fooled …but no more. Hope to get some support, thanks.
I felt your EVERY word. I could have written them myself. I offer you 2 quotes that have helped me:
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned for, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us”- Joseph Campbell
“Healing is not so much about getting better, as it is about letting go of all of the things that aren’t you, and becoming who you really are.”
Something better HAS to be waiting for us. Certainly a better life than this one. We just have to let go of our fear and allow the blessings to come in. We have to close this door on our SAHs so that a new door can open for us with something/someone better. And in terms of the second quote…we have to let go of all this anger, pain, rejection, “policeman” role they drive us to, etc…that is not who WE are. STAYING with them turns us into people we do not like, people no person should be. It is not in our best interest, in our highest selves to actively engage our SAHs.
I have ACCEPTED my hope for him…my therapist has said to me before in a different context “you can’t control feelings, only behavior”, so I am at peace with my hope, but I will not actively engage in it. If I do, Hope becomes Expecation and there is that other quote “Insanity is when we do the same things over and over and expect a different result”. I will have HOPE for him from AFAR…but if I stay I am expecting a different result…they’ve shown us way too many times there IS no other result.
And as I accept my hope for him, I must have HOPE for ME TOO, for ALL OF US…that the life “awaiting us” will be beautiful…peacefull…reciprocating of our good love and loyalty…
Good luck to you and to all of us!!
thanks patriatri2, I appreciate the feedback.. I feel almost relieved as I realize the horrible nightmare is coming to an end. Yes its very scary starting over with a new life, but I know I can and must make a better life for myself and take care of me. I am at a time in my life where My kids are older, the youngest is 18, but I worry about both my sons because they are emotionally immature do not open up about their feelings as well. This deep dark secret has cost not only the marriage, but it has cost my sons in having a healthy role model of dad. He was never there for them ..they have no relationship! He just doesn’t get the fact that kids need to have a dad that is present.. he never has been. I have always tried to be mom and dad for my kids and deal with the emotional abuse of the lies and betrayal. thankfully, i see it for what it is now. Hope its not too late for my kids!!
I start my journey with counselling tomorrow. I am so looking forward to being whole and free from the hurts and trauma of this sick addiction.
PS-And even if we don’t find that man who will value us for the TREASURE we are, it’s better than STAYING with one who treats us like GARBAGE! Even if they just can’t help it (or ESPECIALLY because they just can’t help it…)
Ok, that last bit got me sobbing again.
I grew up with so many people who hated themselves to death. A part of me keeps hoping that people really can change and fix what their childhood had broken and stop hating themselves to death. But the only one I can help is me, really. I may be able to be supportive and caring and understanding, only from a vast distance where I am not being destroyed as he destroys himself.
Love them, from far away, and love yourself up close and dear to your heart.
Praying for healing for us all.
Jaded, run don’t walk. I’m so grateful tonight to have found this site. Left my SA (fucktard) two months ago. I love my new place, and it is worth not having a lot of cash flow. The peace i have is wonderful, although I do get sad. I am sad when I sit and think about 21 years of lies. How could I be so stupid. My SA was never there emotionally, he was a vacant,selfish,lying, manipulitive, smiling “nice guy” creep.
Oh you and I are definitely in the same boat!! I move out this weekend and I am so excited to be free of all the lies and deceit!!
I spent 30 years with my SA, and left when I found out what he was, and that his “treatment” required that I say I knew about it (when I didn’t) and take responsibility for being a co-addict! WTF? Then he joined his secret club (12 step) and it was co-ed! WTF? Then his behaviour towards me grew worse as he moved more deeply into sobriety! WTF? Then he began to triangulate me with his therapist who became his new mother! WTF? Then he continued to lie lie lie about anything and everything, and sabotaged our plans for full disclosure (which was to precede any reconciliation)! WTF? Now he goes around telling everyone how much he loves me and presents himself as the victim! WTF?
Listen, I live in a two bedroom townhouse that’s one third the size of my house we had to sell. My car is 8 years old and has 223,000 km on it. I have basic tv only. There is no one to meet me when i come home at night after work. No one says my name unless I go out. I haven’t had sex in over 2 years. My pension will be $20,000/yr if I keep working like a bugger for ten more years.
And I have never been freer, happier, or more content. I love myself again. I recognize myself again. Don’t make a decision like this based on fear of what you will lose. Make it based on what you will gain.
don’t get me wrong. I’m very sad. I will always be sad that my love story was one big con. But I would rather be sad about something I couldn’t change, than be unhappy about something I can.
lots of light,
Hi Diane.. I Found out on our 32nd anniversary last month that hubby was back online into porn and chats and looking for action. I had not caught him in over 8 years as he claimed God had healed him and he never had the desire to go back to it. (what a scam) He still denies he has done anything physically, and that in itself shows me he is still not ready to come clean..So now that I know he is not the man he perceives to be, I have found an apartment and move this weekend. I am so looking forward to living in peace, feeling free and being happy and content! I am too very saddened that I will not have the life I imagined, but this one is looking pretty darn good!! I will be free of being lied to, manipulated and betrayed!! thanks for your insight Diane!
Hi everyone.. three months later update: I am learning how to take care of myself!! I am trying to fit into this new life of being on my own!! At times I am just so numb..I feel like I have lost my best friend, even though he was never there emotionally for me..
I am in need of some supportive friends who I can talk to.. Most of the friends I have now, are very self absorbed and cannot be supportive to me as I have always taken on the role of being there for them. So here I am..at 51 years old, trying to make new friends..I have been so traumatized in the marriage that I have major trust issues as well. I also have friends who feel the need to tell all their friends about the things I have said to them in confidence regarding the issues.. I feel very alone right now!!
I’m with you. My h is still here, but not for much longer. He was my best friend, or so I thought. I had a very tough time today as I was making my Turkey dinner… crying into the creamed spinach… no sobbing, convulsively… You see, my children are home form college and boarding school. Friends were coming over and all I could think about were the years that I thought that my h was my husband.
But, he wasn’t. It was all fake. no wait, it just wasn’t anything…not for me. The little he had to give, he reserved for any woman who wasn’t me… and its excruciatingly painful to know that on Wednesday, which is the day I’ve given him to get out, its all over.
You’re not alone honey. If you can, come on over to SOS. Lovely women on there to chat with. We’re all in the same boat.
Its funny, I didn’t even know I was in the same boat until I had been on here for nearly two years…
It is very fitting to reconnect with you today. You’re still in the thick of things, it’s Thanksgiving, and I am actually spending my first night alone in my new apartment. Since the last time I wrote in, I filed for divorce, put my house on the market…and everything happened exactly the way it was suppose to apparently…
You are not alone, and reading what you wrote reminded me I’m not alone either. I’m also very blessed to have a lot of support from my family and friends. But as great as they are, they just CAN’T understand what I’ve gone through the way you all can on this site.
Lexie, it is heart wrenching to me also how I have spent 6 years with a man who I THOUGHT was my “husband”…and that the little he had to give he gave to ANY woman that wasn’t me…15 women to be exact…and those are just the ones I KNOW about…
I’m just so glad he can’t hurt me anymore!… And I am no longer a part of this FAKE life we had, this facade…We still have 2 little girls to coparent so the drama and frustration may not be totally over…but it will be different. I feel free… I feel at peace…
Janica, I hope you feel free and at peace too…and Lexie, I hope come Wednesday you will feel free and at peace as well
Here’s to New Beginnings… And I am SO thankful for that!!
Dear Jaded, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I related to so much of it, except I haven’t been married 35 years! I get you though….I have gone through the ups and downs of hope and disappointment and I have sucked it up when I suspected it was still going on despite his lies that it wasn’t only to have my suspicions confirmed when he lost his job over it. He too did a lot of half assed recovery! I have gotten to the point where I tolerate what I know he is doing and I hate it but depend on him financially and have children to consider too, making it hard to leave. It’s amazing how much our husbands sound alike. The statement you made about you walking in on him while doing his thing and him getting mad at you says it all. His thinking is obviously deeply flawed and he doesn’t get it. It’s so painful to live with my husbands crappy, entitled attitude too and I feel like a doormat and it seems so unfair because of all that I have tolerated from him! It sounds like you have tolerated way more and for a much longer period of time! I agree with the “RUN DON’T WALK” advice for the younger ladies. I still haven’t figured out if I’m young enough to RUN, but I’m sure thinking about it.
I am suggesting this book for now, for anyone who cannot wrap their head around how someone could do this sort of behavior to someone they claim to love: “Why Does He DO That? Inside The Mind of Angry and Controlling Men’ by Lundy Bancroft.
What I couldn’t understand was, if all his actions were really just addiction, why after I found out the truth did the treatment I was receiving from him get so much WORSE!? This book really cleared my head out of the addiction/dopamine/shame/safety/coaddict/victim/trauma/etc jargon fog that was keeping me hopeful for all the wrong things. So much of the reading I found in SA literature was dancing around this subject but kept me thinking and feeling like I should be coming from a place of compassion for him, rather than a place of compassion purely for myself. Much of the ‘great reading for partners of SA’ left me feeling even more victimized and alone as I read the horror stories with no resolutions.
Maybe it was the timing, maybe it was the message and the sense of support from the author, but I feel like I am now seeing the forest instead of all the damaged trees. I see my choices, and I know what recovery should, and should not, look like. I have tools to call the BS when I see it, and know, for ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY, I didn’t do a damn thing to deserve this.
Thank you, Lundy.
I am so glad I found this website….I guess my husband is a sex addict..bac n 2006 he was arresed. 4 being wit a prostitute while @ work..(truck driver) he lost his job an the work truck was towed…so embbarrasing..then a yr ago almost went 2 jail 4 the same thing but he drov off an left his friend behind 2 go 2 jail with the prostitute…on top of all of that he is suppose 2 b a minister…he disappears 4 hrs @ a time anhe arkansas 4 the weekend a messed off all of the rent money an now me an my 3 kids hve 2 move..he says he gambled it off but my gut is telling me tht he tricked it off wit women…mayb a little bit of both…I’ve found nurmerous amounts of porn on his phone an a hook up site called fuck buddy….I ve been going bac an forth n my head with all these signs an I think he’s a sa…2 top it off he mostly treats me like a doormat until sumthin like this happens an then he’s suddenly wants 2 act like a hubby….its really takin effect on me n many ways…I am tryna leave
Wow….ladies I am really glad I found this site…I’m a 28yr old mother of 3 an I been married 10 yrs I think my husband is a sa..bac n 2006 he was arrested 4 buyin a prostitute while @ wrk…the work truck was towed an he was fired..we lost our place..then I have found porn on his phone on many occasions an a few months ago I found a site called f**kbuddies where u arrange 2 meet ppl 4 sex….this past weekend he had 2 travel out of stae 2 arkansas 4 work an he lied an told me he paid the rent but he didn’t he spent all our rent money…he says he gambled it off but n my gut I tink he has a gambling addiction an sex addiction..I jus don’t have proof..an he almost went 2 jail 2yrs agoagain 4buyin prostitutes again but he drove off an left the guy he was wit an let him get caught wit the hookers instead….he always claims he’s gambling but we live in texas..gambling isn’t even legal…he disappears all the time when I’m workin anlies about wher he is
I am so thankful I found this site. I swear if I did not have children I would have been gone a long time ago. I recently started going to SAnon meetings and I don’t really know if they are helping. It seems like they are trying to convince me that I had some PART in this. I never asked to be married to a falandurer (sp?)! I surely am not going to admit that I am to blame for his inability to keep his dick in his pants either! ?I just wish I didn’t love the son of a bitch. I do have hope that there are GOOD men out there. I am financially dependent on my H at the time, which sucks. I am seriously thinking that this is not going to work and I have a lot of evidence of his adultery. I am just scared of being alone! I am also scared that if I divorce him then he will recover and some other woman will have my husband, the husband I thought I had and always wanted! I’M SO CONFUSED AND SCARED AND MISERABLE! I am also so glad I found this site, it lets me know that I am not alone. 🙂
Scorned, he’s had sex with hundreds of women and you’re debating for one second whether to stay or not? really? what is confusing about that? He’s a sick fuck. That is who he is. not who he was, but who he is and who he will forever be until he takes his last putrid breath. and he is NOT a good father. He treats their mother like shit! He’s a slimy whore and undoubtedly has given you all sorts of diseases by now. Please get tested. Get a good shrink. Hire a lawyer. A really aggressive lawyer. Hide money. make a plan. just get the hell out and protect your innocent children too! He’s a very dangerous man and I don’t fuckin’ care what the hell he looks like. He is nothing but ugly inside. ugly and very sick.
THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. you my dear, were just at hand and that is all. nothing more or less.
Oh. you’re worried about some other woman getting a “healthy” him??? please don’t worry. he will never be healthy. He is incapable of this and he will do to her what he did to you. GUARANTEED. so pity the poor deluded thing.
please, just get out.
all said with love. I’m just angry. one woman at a time… we’ll get there. hang in there! Kim
OMG – I totally understand. My Sa is my Ex. We went to counseling and church and the whole 9 yards. They make you feel like you are the culprit and they are acting out because of you. Don’t believe it and run, don’t walk away. My ex SA even went after one of my friends, it becomes a game for them. He really believed that he did and does not have a problem. go figure, but make sure you go. Or if you think you can’t go, get your heart back and get a life. I believe in you.
I’m saddened to read of so many women being mistreated by their men. Why don’t you ladies set up joint housing together so you can make a new start away from the men? I’m lucky I have a good job but can’t leave my porn addict partner (who says he’s quit haha)due to financial commitments. This is until Feb 2016 and I’m counting the days.
I am heartbroken, but am thankful to have read all of these stories today. I have known my future ex since we were 17 (32 now). We currently live together, I take care of my 9 year old daughter, his 7 year old troubled son (he has custody of him for the past year due to his mother’s awful treatment of him, her being in prison etc .) And our almost four month old baby. When I first found out about his sex addiction, they just moved in. He told a woman he was horny and we had split up, not true of course. I forgave him after he cried to me and apologized. Then I found out Iowa’s pregnant in March, and I find out about another woman on facebook, in May he tells me that he probably has another child on the way, the day after mothers day he told me this. I was already taking off work due to us not having childcare for the kids after school, them I find this out. I take my daughter and we leave for a few days and tell him I hate him. I then find out he’s still been talking to the woman who’s child he is supposed to be the father of. The end of May, we talk about working things out and we sleep together, the next day, I look at our phone records and call the number he’s been texting and calling, it was a woman he was supposed to meet later that night at his friends house. I tell her who I am and she says she will not meet him, they meet, I go to his friends house and see them together, he threatens to hurt me and call me out of my name. I am a few months pregnant by now and feel like I was going to go crazy. I tell him there is something wrong with him. I still stay around, he cheats with many more women and even moved one into his new home for a few weeks before the baby was born. When I found out, I went there, went crazy and had the baby the following day, he kicked her out and told me he wanted to be with me. We tried tried and tried again, since then he has contacted escorts, been on facebook sex pages, Craigslist and backpage. Yet I stay,I have felt like dying, I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore because they all think I’m crazy for staying. He finally said he has an appointment next week to see a counselor, even though last week I found out about the escorts. I am mostly mad at myself for putting up with this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I stay because of our kids, AMD his son is finally doing better in school and I continue thinking he’s going to do better but he never does. I have gotten his son in counseling, taken care of him like he is my own and I know he will fail if I peace because his dad doesn’t do shit to help. I am falling apart