Where do I begin? I’m 63,married to a sex addict for 35yrs, didn’t find out til 10yrs into the marriage what I was dealing with and I’m the poster child of why younger women should take heed and cut their losses. Every day I regret that I didn’t leave when I was young, healthy,had a good job and lot’s of energy to get my life to a better place.
I first found out about my husband’s Sex Addiction in 1987. My husband was going to individual therapy and told the therapist that he had been acting out sexually with hookers and porn. Through the urging of this counselor he told me. I threw things at him. We came home and had coffee (that’s funny) and it was like ok now it’s out and we are on the way to healing and normality.
I must say that I thought this man was my soul mate (whatever that is). We were so much in love,had a great sex life,he accepted my 2 yo daughter like she was his own(he didn’t abuse either of our kids and I’m certain of this )however now I will not allow him to be in the same room with my granddaughter’s ever!
I thought I had hit the jackpot after a rather short but un-fulfilling marriage previously. I actually had an affair with my #2 husband and ran away from my home for him. A couple of years into the marriage I noticed that he masturbated a lot but didn’t think much of it since we had such a fantastic sex life(but looking back it was a little red flag). Now mind you this was the 70’s so no computers and internet to make it so convenient. I never found magazines or tapes and I never noticed that he looked a lot at other women..he was very attentive to me. A dream come true (a bad dream or more like a nightmare).
In 1991 it came to light again that he was going to hookers. I’m not sure how I found out this time but everything hit the fan and I kicked him out. He got his own place. I was relieved. Raising my kids, working, having a life. Life was good.
He went to therapy and a 12 step program and was walking the walk and talking the talk to recover. Things were getting back to normal again. Then in 93′ I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease and had to quit my job and go on disability. I was very sick for a few years. He was very caring and was there to take care of me as well as work at his own job. This seemed like a man who was truly doing the in sickness and in health thing. I didn’t even think about the fact that he was acting out . I was too sick to care really.
Bottom line is that I have come to realize that all he ever did was half-assed recovery so that to me is like no recovery at all He was in therapy, we were in couples therapy and he was still into hookers and porn (by this time the internet was around). Every once in a while we would argue about his addiction usually after I found something, an truthfully, I over the years have chosen to turn my back on all this crap because even though it was/is dysfunctional it was still working at some level for us.
I stopped having sex with him many years ago. Over the years I was given herpes and some sexually transmitted diseases. I am grateful that I did not get HIV/Aids.
Now my dilemma is what to do. He is retired, still looks at porn and gets mad if I happen to find him and it’s like why the hell are you mad. I’ve been the one betrayed and thrown under the bus for 35yrs.
I am just comfortable financially but would not be if I left now. I have to figure out if I can continue to stay and still have a life or if I have the energy and strength to go(or have him go). Either way we could not keep this house, everything would have to be split.
He is such a two faced person, so nice to everyone Mr.Charming–blech! It makes me want to vomit. He’s a narcissist and I really believe a borderline sociopath. I once loved him so much and now the sight/sound of him makes me cringe.
I’m sure many of you are wondering how it went on so long. Believe me it’s easy. You hope against hope. You see all kinds of little signs that things are changing and you hang in for many reasons; children, money, love, just because and the years go. I don’t think I ever fully realized what I was dealing with til I was far into this marriage and now I don’t really care. I hold no hope for him to change. I can only hold hope for myself to find some peace. I’m too old for this s—..!!
That’s why I would agree with the others on this site that have said RUN DON’T WALK…and never look back. It will steal your soul and every fiber of your being. It will make you a bitter and angry. It will make you sick.
Peace to All, Jaded
I have so much more to say but just wanted to get this started. Thanks for your support!