KJ Needs Help

I receive so many private e-mails, but this one just tore me apart and made me count my blessings. KJ gave me permission to post just a small piece of her correspondence as I thought she could use some support from all of you. I have given her names and numbers of resources, and she has assured me that she will find some help.

But, until she gets that help and in addition to it, I think she can use all the TLC we can muster. Here’s her abbreviated story:

JoAnn-First I want to thank you for your website. Like so many others I have really struggled with COSA. Tonight I am just reaching out to you because I do not have one person that I can talk to. I have never felt so alone in my life.

I am not thinking clearly enough tonight to begin to summarize my story although I can see the benefit in doing so when I am able. But for now let me just say that I can remember d-day all too well and the days and weeks that followed and I remember thinking that it wasn’t humanly possible to hurt any worse than I did-until this week.

My husband deployed to Afghanistan in the middle of all of the chaos so I am alone and will be until Sept of 2011…..and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse they did……subsequent to his deployment and I haven’t even been able to talk to him about any of it. So here I am tonight at my lowest of lows.

For the past two or three days now I just cannot seem to pull myself together enough to do anything. I cannot eat or sleep or find anyone to talk to. All I can do is cry. I am ashamed to say I am not even functioning. I must sound really weak-but at this point I cannot even imagine recovering from this.

I was supposed to leave town today to go be with my family for Thanksgiving and I just can’t do it…….so now I have all of this anxiety about how to explain my absence. No one in my family is aware of the situation.

I want you to know that would never never take my own life-but I am at a place tonight where I sincerely wish God would just take me home and end all of this pain. I have always believed that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but I don’t think I am emotionally equipped to deal with this combined with the deployment. And I am certainly not able to go to make the 13 hour drive to be with my family.

I apologize that I am rambling because all I was actually intending to do was ask you this question. Is there anyone that you know of that does any kind of phone counseling-and in the very near future because I am really in need of a lifeline right now. I am desperate to talk to someone.

Thank you-KJ

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Responses

  1. KJ

    For starters, let’s look at this great action that you took!! You wrote to JoAnn!! You will not find a more helpful, understanding, and loving group of women who have/are experiencing the very same things that you are experiencing!! Welcome, KJ, to a place where you can share, as you feel comfortable, and read the stories of others who are/have experienced some of the same things you are experiencing.

    I can tell you that, as one who felt that there was no one that I could talk to, I feel that I can speak “with abandon” on this site. I don’t feel the need to sensor my feelings and that is such a huge Godsend when we are carrying around the monumental task of even just beginning to make sense of the trauma felt when a husband/partner discloses SA.

    Though there are differences and similarities in each story, you will find such a release in knowing that you’re not the only one who is grappling with this. Sooooo many times I have read a story and parts of it seemed like it could have been me writing – it sounded so similar to my situation. It was like this person was writing about me and/or my SA.

    I would say for today, if it feels right, go through some of the stories to just get that strong feeling that you really aren’t alone in what you are going through and that there are people on this site who will listen to, make suggestions, support you, and surround you with care.

    Yay for you…..that you found JoAnn and the sisters on this site!!!

  2. KJ,

    You obviously found yourself drawn to this website for certain reasons. I can only imagine. As you can see you are not alone and we welcome you here. What you will read in the pages and pages here, will help you be able to express your pain and your voice that needs to be heard. Glad you found us. We are waiting here for you until you can speak.

    I think there are many of us wishing we could just put our arms around you right now. My thoughts will be with you. – J –

  3. Thank you Jeannette and Carrie for the kindness and encouragement. I was awake last night until the wee hours this morning reading all of these stories….and it has helped a lot-a whole lot- so I want to thank each and every one of you for that 🙂 This website is truly a blessing and on the particular Thanksgiving Day at least, what I the most thankful for! As well, some of you are truly gifted writers! wow

    I think I must be doing a ‘little bit better’ today. As pathetic as it sounds…I am proud of myself for the fact that I was able to get out of the bed I’ve been in since Monday, take a shower, put on clean clothes and actually eat a decent meal. From where I was that is progress. I am planning on going for a short walk a little later tonight. whoo-hoo!

    As for Thanksgiving…somehow I managed to convince my family that I was suffering with a wicked migraine….and while that was a relief in a lot of ways… I have a bad case of the guilties BC the trip to see my family would have been a chance to see my new little grandson. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and mad at myself for not being able to pull myself together enough to make the drive. I have only seen him once since he was born in August and you have no idea how much I was looking forward to it.

    I will continue to work on my story-but it is much harder to write that I thought….very very emotional. Hopefully I can finish it tonight and post BC I am in need of a lot of advice from you wonderful wonderful women.

    KJ

  4. KJ

    Though I haven’t posted here before, I have been following JoAnn’s great website for several months and have found comfort and insight from the wisdom and support shared here. When I got home tonite and read your story, my eyes welled up at the recollection of being just where you are now, nine months ago. My husband was deployed to Iraq when my d-day came and I remember the gut wrenching pain that kept me home and in bed while I made up stories about re-activating a back injury to explain my absence from work, friends, and family. There was no one I could confide in, the pain was so raw, the circumstances so horrible; it felt like a kick in the gut I never saw coming and I couldn’t imagine sharing it with anyone.

    You will probably find many wonderful resources like this one on the internet. Shortly after my d-day I was fortunate to find one that also offers professional phone counseling individually or in groups. The website is awomanshealingjourney.com started by Marsha Means author of “Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars” and co-author (with Barbara Steffens) of “Your sexually Addicted Spouses.” She uses a “trauma based” model when counseling partners, rather than the “traditional” co-dependent one. The Womans Healing Journey ministry offers a free one hour consultation with a counselor or coach and they can help you assess what resources might be best for you at this time.

    I’m sorry you are going through this, especially now. Things will be better someday although I know its hard to imagine it now. You are not alone. I’ll keep you in my thoughts….and encourage you to seek support from others who have “been there” like the wonderful women here.

  5. KJ,

    Bravo! Getting out of bed and taking care of yourself IS progress when you feel depressed. I need you to do me a favour though. If the depression carries on like it has for more than a couple of weeks, please do go see your doctor. I am talking from a place of experience. 🙂

    Hugs all the way around. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but having this time for yourself will, in the very end, work out favorably for you because it gives you the opportunity to figure out what YOU want and need without having to deal with SA’s issues at the same time. But right now, you need to just be gentle and kind with yourself. And then you’ll be ‘available’ for your sweet grandson, physically and emotionally.

  6. KJ,

    How are you doing today? One thing that helps me (though I can talk the talk but not always walk the walk!) is to think of things in baby steps. I think that it was wonderful that you were able to be up, showered, eating well, and going for a walk yesterday! We take those things for granted until something so traumatic comes along and then it seems like a big deal just to get out of bed.

    If you had sustained a physical injury, instead of a psychological injury, you could call friends and family and say “Hey I was able to get dressed and shower today.” and they would be very happy to know that you were able to do that. However, in this scenario, it doesn’t work that way.

    It is extremely isolating and I have found that to be one of the most difficult aspects of being involved with a SA. You have this huge thing going on but you really have to weigh the risk when you think of telling people. I have a close friend of 30 years and at the beginning of my story, I told her a lot, thinking that I would not continue dating my SA. Well, I decided to continue to be involved with him and it nearly cost me that friendship. We remained friends but uncomfortably skirted around that issue for 4 years. We just recently cleared the air and it felt like I had my friend back again!

    It is helpful to remember that dealing with grief is a very bumpy ride. One day I think – “Wow…I think I’m getting past this.” and the next day I am in a mud puddle!

    Do you have a counsellor? At first I had a hard time with counseling because of the whole co-depency thing – I felt very judged. I now am seeing someone who I can speak with freely and not feel like she thinks I’m some sick-o! The unique part of this site is that, though others can be understanding, no one gets it like we who have been through it.

    Please let us know how you are doing. We really care about you – we have all been through some form of this. I hope that you will be seeing your grandson soon!

  7. I too wonder how I will ever get through this, and if the pain will ever stop. Paralyzed by the eggshells on the floor and the elephant in the living room.. it is all I can do to keep going each morning in a seemingly”normal” way. There are no meetings here either, and I have been lurking on here using it for a source of strength. Sending you the strength and courage I long to have.

  8. Dear KJ

    we all welcome you, and your pain is also welcome, to vent, to discuss to heal to find friends amongst strangers, with a very common chord. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Sometimes bad situations are amplified during the holidays, at least I think they are. Please know, there is nothing you can say that can shock or shame, and I know how difficult it is to find “help.” A good therapist, this webiste, please know you are cared for. Keep writing, keep posting, just as D day all entered our lives at one point, with all its pain and misery. A T day can happen for us to, a truth day. A healing day. A better life day. It takes time and sorting out. But please know that you are not alone. I hope to hear more from you, as we all gain help from one another. Much love and hugs.

  9. Dear KJ,

    You are not alone. I would love to be here from you. You are stronger than you think. Please keep writing to Jo Ann and me.

    Prayers and Hugs, Mary

  10. Dear KJ,
    What I want to say to you right at this moment is that I am you, so how can you be alone? I can feel your pain as though I am right there with you sitting next to you. Every word of your pain I know as though it is my own because it has been my own. For days after my SA left I didn’t leave my house. I hid inside, afraid to come in contact with my neighbors who might ask questions. I could not eat, sleep, or think clearly. All my thoughts were a racing jumbled mess. When my d day came I asked him to leave, stupidly thinking he would have some time to reflect on what he was doing. For days I did not hear from him and I just sat in my house crying. Every step I took was an effort and all I wanted to do was to go to sleep and not wake up. I could not face the unbearable pain of his betrayal. Everywhere I went I felt like people could see my shame and pain. I lived in fear that I would see someone I knew and even went so far as to look through my front windows before walking the dog. Strangely, as the days went by the pain lessened. I will tell you there are days when you aren’t as acutely aware of it, it’s there but not as front and center. When you do finally decide to tell your family, and you will, there will be some relief. You will find that people are very supportive and the more you can talk the more relief you will feel. Prayer is a huge help. You must know that God really is there for you, he showed you what you honestly needed to know. I began to see a Christian counselor and she has helped me not only to understand but to start to heal. Understanding this illness is key to your recovery. Read all that you can. You will find that the more you read the more you will begin to see everything you missed along the way. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! I felt so stupid that I did not catch on until it was too late. My SA had been having an affair for over a year, but once I started educating myself and coming here to this healing site, I found that I wan’t stupid at all. Rather I was just like all my sisters on this site, a good person who believed in my husband and honored our vows. I still feel like this is all surreal,and can’t quite get my head wrapped around all of this. Do not allow him to blame you in any way. He will try in some way to off load this onto you. This is nothing that you did, nor anything you could control. This is not about how you look, your weight, the color of your hair. It is about an illness that he carries around inside of him. If you are like me you will go over and over your life together and do the “what if’s”. The thing is that’s fantasy thinking. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. He held all the answers, the key to all lies within him. This is so bad right now for you and the pain is unbearable but know that what I am saying is truth, it will get easier. There will come a day when you realize you can take a deep breath without pain. There will come a night when you sleep without dreaming of him. There will come a time when you realize you didn’t cry for an entire day.

    When you read this know you are not alone. You don’t know me but I am your sister because we share the bond of this trajic illness between us, as do all the women on this site. Picture me reaching my hand out to you as I am right now. I will pray for you and I know that God will guide you through these dark times. A very dear friend sent me a scripture to read. It has helped me a lot and I keep a copy with me always in my wallet so I can reflect upon it when the pain threatens to swallow me up. It is Phil 4 verses 6-8 and it starts “Do not worry about anything, but pray about everything”. Please keep coming here. Read the stories and the comments, it will help.
    Sincerely,
    Anne

  11. Well, I can certainly empathize! It’s overwhelming to try to explain what I’ve been through in the last two years. Basically: gave birth to my fourth child, lost two of my closest friends suddenly; one to suicide and the other to brain cancer, had my own lifethreatening illness that went undiagnosed for 8 months during which time my husband called me a hypochondriac, then my mother died to chronic alcoholism (she was terribly violent to us kids), finally, I discovered the real reason my husband began raging over nothing and abandoning us for days on end and not answering his phone-yep sex addiction. I crashed and ended up in the nervous hospital 2x in a year. I’d never been to nervous hospital. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Not surprising. About 6 weeks ago I called the police on my husband during one of his rages. He was arrested. I have since filed for divorce. Now, I have sunk low emotionally, but I feel like I am grieving the farce of a marriage we had.
    No, I don’t want a divorce, but I absolutely CANNOT live they way it was. My husband was killing me physically and spiritually.
    Tonight, I leave this in God’s hands because all my efforts and taking the blame to be the “sick” one have done nothing to improve the situation.
    Best wishes. I know Jesus loves my husband too, I just ain’t feelin’ for him right now. That’s why there’s a God and I am not it. I’m stepping down and letting go for tonight.

  12. Hi KJ,
    I hope you felt better today. I bet you will start having better days and then some hard ones in between.My father who is 85 told me this, “Time heals all wounds and Time wounds all heels.” Remember that YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING wrong to cause his behavior. He would do the same thing to anyone because he has the problem. Cold comfort it is, but a prick will get the prick’s reward. Even when I really don’t feel like it, I pray for my husband to have all the things I wish for myself also, then, I try to leave it alone for awhile and ACT on some other thing: shopping, bathing, calling a friend, cleaning house-whatever.
    God really already knows what is in each of our hearts, He just wants us to know it for ourselves.
    Peace be with you this evening.

  13. Thank you for all your letters and comments ladies. I am a member of a 12 step fellowship (AA) and so is my husband. We have recovered, long time from our alcohol illness. I knew he was looking at other women, particularly in hose. I pretended I knew he was looking at porn on the internet and he walked in to it and admitted it. When I met him he had the videos and porn mags under the bed. He finally got rid of them when I pretended to tease him about it. I stuck my head in the sand for two years. I felt the distance between us growing. We were always close. So he admitted it, he was scanning spanking sites. I was devastated. It came to a head last week. I had looked at SA comments from those in the obsession. We have tools to recover. He has tools. We know that if we can recover from the madness of alcoholism then we can recover from this addiction. Yes, it is also a family illness and I was suffering. I can forgive. I can stay close to God, he is also trusting in God. So far as I know, it hasn’t progressed yet to meeting women, not yet. However, we know it is a progressive illness. These souls are sick, not bad, they don’t want to hurt us. I am starting to recover, a day at a time. He has banned himself from the internet and meditates and prays before leaving the house to have God remove the obsession. It’s all we have. I wouldn’t stay if he wasn’t taking the action. He also has a tendency for laziness and that has also changed. Ok it’s only a week but I see a shift. I see a brightness in him, he is energised. He is glad in some ways he got found out, just as I did when I was drinking. My secret got discovered, I hit my bottom, I started to get well. He has had enough. We both know masturbating and looking at these sites is adultery. He doesn’t want to abuse me like that anymore. He doesn’t want to have a dirty secret anymore. We can all recover. Of course constant unacceptable behaviour is a no-no, but if they want to get well, trust in God. It can happen. Bless you all. Geri