The ‘Bad’ Wife

Here’s a story I received. I am sure many of you would like to respond.

I will just cut to the chase….

My husband just recently admitted to being a sex addict. As to what extent I only know that he was watching porn on the internet and always wanted to have sex with me all the time or he would get very angry and would take it out on me!

We were coming home from church and he told me that he had something to tell me and that it isn’t easy for him to admit. He then told me he was a sex addict and wanted me to lock him out of the computer, which I have done. He also has a control issue and can not stand it when he is not making the decision about issues.

He is blaming all of this on me and has for 25 years. One of the reason I am to blame is that we only have sex once a week, and now that he has admitted to being a sex addict, he tells me that I need to help him and that all he is asking for is sex two times a week!

Early in our marriage he has messed around with other women, as to what happened in those relationships I do not know, nor will he tell me, but we have had a very brutal relationship both physical and mental. How we made it this far I do not know!

I do believe that I love my husband but that I am not truly happy! He says that I put him last on my list, and that everyone else in my life comes before him. He doesn’t want me out of his sight when he is at home, he doesn’t have anybody or anything in his life except for me, his son, church and work, and all of this is by his own choosing!

So in turn he believes that he is the “only” thing that I should want in mine but because it isn’t and because I don’t help him by giving him sex twice a week, and by not letting him be the husband over me, “I AM THE BAD WIFE”.

I am a very outgoing person, I come from a large family with many problems, I have three wonderful sons and only 1 of them is his, I was married before. I love helping people and doing things outside of my home. I have my own home daycare which keeps me in and around my house 5 days a week from 6:00a.m. to 6:00p.m.

I tend to feel that I want to help my husband at this time, but I do not know how to. He curses at me, tells me how bad I am as a wife and says if I had only given him sex that all of this fighting would not have happened!

What are the first things that I need to do to help him?

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Responses

  1. Hi there, “The bad Wife”

    Well, maybe let’s start by not agreeing with the “name”. Not sure that will help us in the long run. And then I say “welcome’ and we’re sorry things have gotten so difficult in your life.

    If your husband is an SA—you are NOT responsible. They get there all on their own with their own childhood traumas when you weren’t even around. So this sounds like the scapegoat game–and you’re it. He blames you because he’s not ready to take responsibility for his own behaviour.

    It also sounds like you may have communication break down around what could be issues in normal sexual relations–although having an affair and the use of porn is a big turn off for me, too! But there’s no way to address that possibility as long as he is dumping his acting out on your lap. He is, after all, an adult. There are other options. You could get counselling together about your sex life—if it really is about your sex life.

    Many SA’s are loners, as you describe your husband. Their emotional unavailability keeps all relationships from going deeper—even friendships. But there could be other reason for this besides SA. His dependency on you seems disturbing on many levels.

    Listen—I think you need some professional assessment of this situation. He may or may not be one—but right now he’s using the idea of being one to beat you up emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. And that is UNACCEPTABLE. Get some help with this. You don’t deserve this, and you need to get clear in your own head what your role is here.

    Make the call. Get some counseling. Tell us how it goes. And most of all, do not accept responsibility for his behaviour. Give it back to him.

    lots of light
    Diane.

  2. Hello!

    The first thing I noticed is that you started with the screen name “the bad wife” and ended with “What do I need to do to help him?” So many of us are blamed, told we are bad, and feel that the responsibility to change his behavior is on us. You are NOT to blame and you are NOT bad!

    You are an outgoing person, you have raised three wonderful sons, love helping people, and love doing things outside of your home. You run what sounds like a successful daycare. And that is just the beginning of the list.

    It is not easy to make that shift from feeling at fault for his problems as well as problems in the marriage. It takes time, patience, being gentle with yourself, counseling, and any support that you can get, including support from this site.

    Would you consider changing your screen name from The Bad Wife to something that reflects your true identity – your initials, a name that you would like to use, something that is yours? It hurts my heart to see you carry that label of the bad wife. Try to begin thinking in terms of “How can I help him?” to “How can I help me?” What are the most loving and life-giving things I can do for myself? It is not an easy shift to make, after years of feeling that you are at fault but it can be done – small steps and patience! Many many of us on this site have started exactly where you are – trying to dig out from being weighed down by years of blame.

    Welcome to this site! Please post often and let us know how you are doing/vent/whatever – suggestions/problem-solving will happen but you can post free from fear of being judged or criticized.

    Blessings to you!

  3. Sweetie…

    Look, I NEVER have sex with my husband. NEVER and I believe that he thinks that I’m a “good wife” the vast majority of the time. (yes, i’m aware that never having sex is not really normal, but its just the way it is– we are great friends and always will be)

    If your husband is a sex addict you could have sex with him once, twice, or a dozen times a week, and it will not matter. The addiction is about something that NO ONE WOMAN CAN GIVE HIM—EVER!!!!!!!!!!! And it is not about you are your abilities in bed, how you wear your hair, how you dress or how much you weigh, or any of that.

    He is sick, delusional and transferring BLAME onto you which is typical behavior. He needs a lot of help and there is NOTHING that YOU can do to help him. He has to WANT to get the help and it has to be 100% HIS doing. As many can attest, there’s no quick fix either–if ANY fix at all. The majority of Sex addicts never ever even come close to recovering.

    Lots of great women here and zillions of stories and other info… sorry, you have to be here, but glad that you’ve found a safe place to learn and vent and figure out how you can move forward with YOUR life through this immense devastation in a way that works best for you.

    with love,

    Lorraine

  4. Hi There – I won’t address you as “bad wife” Change your mindset and get that out of your head! This is emotional abuse!! He is projecting all the blame on you -obviously no insight into his own behavior.
    First of all how many times a week you have sex with him has nothing to do with his acting out – he would do it if you had sex with him every day of the week – so don’t put the blame on yourself! As others before me have said, an SA cannot show intimacy, empathy, and are loners. If he is indeed an SA, the motivation has to come from him, and you can worry about him, get caught up in the drama, be emotionally abused, and yes, even try to fix him. We have all been there initially, and once we started working on ourselves and gaining control of our own lives, a whole new world opened up for us. Be happy, and take care of #1 – you are deserving of a lot more than he is able to give you.

    Good luck with your journey, and keep us posted. This is a great site for support, information, and being able to vent. It was a God send for me.

  5. Hi (((BW)))

    (I agree with the others, I don’t like your screen name, so I will use initials!)

    Your situation sounds a lot like mine. And the other ladies have give great advice and opinions. I have not posted here in a long time. I have spent the last several months in CoSA and I have very mixed feelings about it. However, you may find it helpful to attend…at least to realize how very many real live women are in the same boat. Hopefully, you will find someone you can talk to there (I really never did). Your H definitely needs to be in counseling (try to find one that specializes in addiction) and could also benefit from an SA group.

    I too have heard the, “I’m last on your list” accusation. I am still battling the, “we don’t have sex often enough for me to feel loved” argument. I explain to him how I still have trust issues and every time he slips, it resets my trust meter back to zero and it takes a really long time to move up from there. He counters with he can’t trust me with his feelings…???? (says he doesn’t want to get his hopes up that I will be the wife he’s always dreamed of and then to be shot down.) oh brother. He even recently yelled, “I don’t know why I stay married to you!!!” at me and I very calmly and matter-of-factly said, “So leave.” He dropped that line of offense immediately. It was kind of funny! I have taken a very non-chalant attitude when he starts on his tantrums…I don’t feed into it and it has helped me a lot.

    I am currently getting my 2yr degree and will hopefully have a job by this time next year and feel independent of him (I’ve been a SAHM for 20yrs). That way I will finally be able to say, “Adios!” when all of his crap starts again. That’s truly the sad part. It will start again, even after all the counseling and SA meetings and meetings with the sponsor, it WILL happen again.

    There is a really good book called “CoDependent No More” that is pretty comforting. It is actually geared toward alcoholics, but really all these addictions are so similar it does apply. Has some good advice about taking care of you-which is what you need. His shit is his shit, not yours. You didn’t cause it. I still have trouble “minding my own business”, which is why I don’t exactly agree with the CoSA mentality. I feel like keeping an eye on him is protecting myself -not micro-managing his recovery.

    Keep your chin up girl, you are not alone.~~aleigh

  6. Dear BW,
    Great news to hear that you have been living a life of your choice that doesn’t include that SA:) So many spouses of SA’s are too depressed to do that, or too focused on making their SA happy to live their own life. You get big points on this site for recognizing that your time and energy was/is better spent with people who value and respect you for who you are. Your instincts guided you to do exactly the right thing….NOT to make your SA a priority, because who you are describing is not an SA in recovery. He is trying to control you and you go girl, because you aren’t letting that happen. Healthy men in mature relationships don’t act that way. I told my husband that the only thing in my life that I have really failed at is being a wife. My nature if I’m failing at something is to work harder, to work as hard as I need to.All relationships worth having require time and effort and work. And I’m happy with many of my roles……. daughter, mother, sister, friend, neighbor, doctor, and friend to myself. I’m not perfect and not striving for that, but I am enjoying these journeys and the really great people in my life. I told my husband that I failed so miserably as a wife because he was not a husband and I knew, as do you, that working unilaterally on the relationship wouldn’t make things better.I look at it this way now…I didn’t fail as a wife (ie: you are not a bad wife), we haven’t had an opportunity yet to be a wife.

  7. Greetings Wife!

    If I may offer a couple of suggestions. I noticed you mentioned your husband going to church. That might be a good thing. If he has some semblance of a belief in G-d, you might be able to talk to him on that level. First of all the Bible has very specific instructions to husbands regarding how a man is to treat his wife….and guess what?!?!?!? calling her names isn’t one of them! If you can find a bible concordance, do your own biblical research on wife….husband… marriage and adultery. Don’t talk to him about it, just read everything you can on the biblical principles of how husbands are to treat wives. Get your own understanding of how YOU are to be treated. Become the world’s greatest expert on how wives are to be treated. Read and meditate on these principles until YOU believe that as his WIFE, not his girlfriend, not some hooker, not some porn star, but as his WIFE he is obligated to treat you well.

    I would suggest that the first thing YOU do, as a believer, is understand how a wife is to be treated. Forget about him for a minute. Once you get an understanding of how much G-d values a wife, you will see that you have every right to demand to be treated as a wife. And as impossible as it might seem, most of these “Christian” men have no idea that G-d has given them specific instructions. He is to speak kindly and gently to you. He is to love you to the extent that he would willingly sacrifice his life for you, and G-d is not accepting any excuses from his sorry, hypocritical behind.

    Here is a memory verse for you I Peter 5:10. This is a promise from G-d that if you do what you are supposed to do, after you have suffered for a little while, G-d Himself will perfect and strengthen you.

    If homeboy has made up his mind not to respect you the way he is commanded to respect and honor you, then instead of going to “church” he might as well sit out on the back porch, smoke weed and do tequila shots.

  8. BWI am not able to respond at this time to your post other than to say that you are not a bad wife.

    Marie, everytime you tell your husband that you failed as a wife, he will take that as ammunition if he’s not in recovery.

    I have written a post attached to: ‘JoAnn-Why do I stay’ thread. I’d appreciate help, please. Feeling like I’m losing my mind, literally.

    Marian

  9. Hello,

    Thanks for sharing your story. Isn’t it just so typical, we are the blame? The Sa needs to be accountable for his actions 150%. I don’t care if we never had sex with them. talk about it, leave it, divorce it, etc., but don’t play addict secret double life bs then blame us for your ridic lifestyle choices and behavior. What a crock of BS. Are you getting help for you after this revelation? Soooo important. This website is certainly a great place to start. You need someone a counsler, therapist, etc who is just for you. The hurt is too deep.

    It is so unfortunate, but the only way to help them is by setting firm boundaries for ourselves, what we won’t tolerate. How unnacceptable what they’ve done is, and how they cannot blame us for their actions. That is the only way to help them and us. Then perhaps a switch a goes on, like duh, that was really wrong of me to do, in their stupid sick little heads, or perhaps not. Marriage is committment, love is faithfulness. Even when difficult- for them that is. ON the believing front of things, I am Christian too, I have reached this conviction. God hates sin. Porn, prositutes and the like, are destructive sinful forces. We can love the sinner and hate the sin. I love my SA, but I am divorcing his sin. It’s up to him to turn from it. Repentance and change is not, oh, I am sorry, then go do it again or blame someone else for it. It is humilty, forgiveness and change of behavior. As long as there;s no change, forgiveness and healing and the marriage and you will continually be hurt. Please reach out, find help and love for you. We welcome you here and I am glad for your voice.

  10. Hi,

    I too recently found out about my husband is a SA. We have been married 25 years and from what I know (which is limited of course) is that he had a porn addiction which progressed to prostitutes. He currently is in therapy and goes to a mens SA group once a week and has a sponser which he calls daily (although sometimes he forgets?!) I have been on this site reading daily and find it very helpful to me. My questions are:

    1. Does anyone on the site have a success story to where they are happily married to their SA husband and life is great or is eveyone just coping and trying to survive this? I would love to hear responses to this question.

    2. Also, do most wives end up divorcing their SA husbands because it really never goes away?

    Thank you for all your help.

  11. I had to divorce mine because he was not going to stop and he is now doing what he did to me to new unsuspecting women.
    Lie after lie after lie, I put on the brakes with the continual lying. The lying and cheating go hand in hand.
    Where there is a lie, there is a cheat.
    So, he is what he is……..

  12. Dear Need Answers Please,

    i think most on the website are trying to cope and deal. I have not run into many success stories on this website or outside of it in other SA programs. I actually think this is the most honest of any that are out there. It is what it is. However, I have heard some success can be had with time and dedication, especially that of the SA. However, on the “married and happy and life is great front”– I don’t know too many couples even without an SA problem, who meet that criteria, do you- ? Marriage is hard enough as it is on many fronts. But throw the giant monkey wrench of addiction, and all of it’s dark ways, and well, there goes the neighborhood. All I know at this point, is that unless the SA seeks help on his own and really commits to recovery, and as their partners we enforce boundaries, there is very little we can do. Lifestyle management, boundaries, – it’s the only hope and success we can have.

  13. Hi ‘Need Answers Please’,

    I try to be as honest on this site as possible, and yet remain objective to all possibilities. I want to give hope for YOU, but I do not want to give false hope for the relationship.

    I think that Larry and my story is one of the most optimistic as he is truly dedicated to his recovery. BUT, even with his years of sobriety and his commitment to recovery along with complete transparency, there are still the problems with his immaturity, lack of empathy and emotional support and that ever present possibility of a relapse.

    There are no ‘happily married’ women who chose to remain with a Sex Addict.

    There are only women who have looked at all of the possibilities and have chosen to work with what they have and what they know they are dealing with (but only if their Sex Addict spouse is totally committed to recovery, completely sober from bad behaviors and is completely transparent in able to prove his sobriety). This combination is as rare as hen’s teeth.

    And yes, it is a commitment to cope with and try to survive with the disease and the personality disorders that accompany all Sexual Addictions.

    From what I know and from what I have learned from the women I have personally known and have also come to know through this website, I would say that many women choose to stay for various reasons, but the majority just get fed up and eventually decide to divorce.

    The picture is not optimistic I’m sorry to say. There has to be some underlying, very strong personal reason why any woman would choose to stay, such as financial, religious, physical (such as illness), or a true commitment on both parties that is verifiable and ongoing. Any woman who is young, does not have decades of time into the relationship, who does not have children with the Sex Addict or who is not married should seriously consider moving on with her life and leaving this dark world behind her.

  14. JoAnn….this is so sad….but so honest and true. Would you think that this rather bleak picture would ring true for women who are with men who are not sex addicts but are, for example, alcoholics – or does it seem that sex addiction and the on the lowest end on the scale of recovery because of unique the way it affects relationships?

    I cannot begin to tell you how much this site has helped me work through my feelings. Truly I am not sure how I would have survived without it. Being in love with a sex addict is easily the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with and I got off “light” because we were just in a dating relationship.

  15. From everything that I have read, including some very reliable research papers, most addicts are similar in their personality traits. It is quite common for there to be multiple addictions, such as alcoholism and Sex Addiction, etc. There are also crossover addictions, such as, the alcoholic quits drinking but roars into a full blown Sex or gambling addiction.

    The personality traits necessary for addiction to develop are common to all addicts, narcissism, borderline personality disorders, ADD, etc. So, my opinion is that any addict makes a very poor partner, but Sex Addicts hit you where it really hurts the most.

  16. Dear all,

    Thank you for your responses to my questions. They are so helpful. JoAnn, I appreciate your honesty and also being objective at the same time. Your informtion and this website are excellent and thank you for sharing this gift with others and me.

    At the same time, the information I have learned makes me profoundly sad because I realize now how ill my husband really is. I also realize I cant save him only myself. Hes on a downward spiral and hes taking me with him. Im just realizing that I dont have to go down with him.

    I have a great friend I talk to, a great therapist, and this great website. This isnt how I thought my life would end up but a great quote I read in Jenny Sanford’s book, Staying True, is that our cirumstances maybe unexpected or chaos but our soul never changes… I really like that.

    Thanks again for all your help

  17. Dear “NAP”

    Wow, I continue to be amazed at how the wives have such similar experiences and use similar language. Your usage of “downward spiral” is exactly how I described my husband’s life. He had sunk to a low point, where it was evident he was nothing like the man he portrayed himself to be nor was he anything like the man he wanted to be. SA lives just get darker and darker and darker, while they are in the haze of their addiction. When you listen to them, they just sound stupider and stupider. That fantasy world they create just eats their brains. For example, mine is 53 bald, boring with a pot belly and he wanted to know if the 20-25 year old stippers he spent $200,000 on “really liked him for himself.” DUH!!!!!! Of course they did honey. What women could resist a man as old as her father who comes to a public space several times a week to ejaculate on himself?!? Of course they wanted to hang out with you and be your friend. Surely they wanted you to go to the Lady Gaga concert as their date.

    It’s that kind of thinking that takes a long time to correct. Understanding how sick and twisted his brain is will help gauge whether you can hang in there for the long term. He can get his acting out under control, but does he want to work to get his mind working right? Will he ever develop the emotional maturity to be a good partner to you? My SA and I work off the iceberg analogy. I believe most SA in recovery want to clip the iceberg just below the water line and go on about their lives. I know the relationship I desire depends on blowing the whole shebang out of the water. I believe in terms of being happily married, there are a couple of options. Some will be relieved to have the iceberg cut below the surface and can be happy with that solution. Others will agree that the whole daggone this has to exploded into a million tiny ice particles and get that done.

    In terms of downward spirals, I sometimes get into my own downward spiral as I think about the damage he created in my life. I’m sitting here now drawing a mind map entitled “Why I Hate him”. Spending my time doing this is crazy and it is dragging me down and helping me be someone I typically am not and don’t want to be. So not only is being associated with this very sick man bringing me down into his spiral, I am developing my own downward spiral as I entertain myself by thinking of how I’m going to respond when the state trooper knocks on the door to tell me about a terrible, terrible accident and to extend his condolensces.

    I have to try to live this myself, but what I need to do is not create my own personal downward spiral. Mine makes me question why I shouldn’t just make his life pure hell. I need to stay focused on something positive for me rather than relive the trauma I’ve managed to survive and entertain thoughts of a painful existence for him. For me, the question abt staying married is not just related to whether he gets this nightmare under control. I also question if I even like him anymore. Sometimes after you find out certain things about people, you just don’t feel the same way about them anymore.

    You know, we need some ribbons because we are true survivors.

    1. Honest Wife, I just reread your response and something hit me: I may have love for my SAH of 30 years, but I don’t like him…Wow…thanks for bring me to this point.

  18. Joann

    Why do you think immaturity and sex addiction go hand and hand? My husband was incredibly immature, and I think it is a key component. What do you think the immaturity is about? Developmental delay?

  19. Hi wifemichelle,

    I have written quite a lot on this site about the reasons why Sex Addicts are emotionally immature, and there is much information on the web concerning the root causes of Sexual Addiction.

    In a nutshell, most Sex Addicts have some sort of childhood trauma that occurs during a critical period of development, which arrests their emotional growth. This also accounts for a Sex Addict’s lack of empathy, which is also arrested during that critical period.

    Sexual Addiction is extremely complex and professionals are just in the infancy of understanding the disease. But, certain personality traits are so common among Sex Addicts that there is no doubt that there is a significant link between these traits and the disease.

  20. (… found it! JoAnn’s answer about “success stories” of staying with a husband who has a sex addiction …)
    Thank you, Need Answers Please, for asking the million-dollar question! I have spent the last 16 months just living for today, this minute — it’s the most I can handle due to the TRAUMA from discovering my husband’s double life. IF my brain starts to wonder about the future, I stop!
    Well, maybe today I’m in a different place because I am trying to see the big picture, with the year end in sight. … We have a couple’s session with our therapist tomorrow, and here’s what I am debating whether to ask this CSAT: 1) how many of his SA clients have long-term sobriety? 2) does he know any 10-years-of-recovery couples?
    JoAnn — as always, THANK YOU for your insight~ “I want to give hope for YOU, but I do not want to give false hope for the relationship.” It is so hard for me to put the pieces of my picture together.
    Today, I will have hope for MYSELF.

  21. I, too, was blamed by my SAH for his actions. At first, that sort of made sense. . .I had had a hard time healing from the trauma of an affair he had had earlier in our marriage. Now it doesn’t. I was not a bad wife. I was a good and faithful wife for 30 years. I am still a good wife, but one who is seriously considering becoming an exwife. I will, of course, do my best to be a good exwife!

  22. Hi Lou,

    I like your thinking! Ive been married 25 years, husband had an affair 10 years into the marriage, SA discovery 3 months ago…also will be a good ex-wife 🙂

  23. Please don’t ever call yourself the “bad wife” again…About the only thing I’d be doing to help him at this time is “showing him the door”….

    This man is sick…really sick and of course its far too easy to dump it all on you than to step up to the plate and be a man and admit the real truth. i hear you that you want to help him…but until he gets help on his own, stops placing blame and accepts responsibility for his own choices, your best efforts would be to help yourself as much as you can. You should be doing that anyway.

    My Sa’s latest word choices with me 9 months after my 1st “d” day and 5 months after my 2nd “D” day…are the new use of the word “heal”….He’s dropping that word around me sorta regular now…I’m off to “heal” today he says…finally today I said “heal”? Heal from what? Seems to me it is all those around you that need to “heal”…not your sorry tail. Last time I looked, you were the perpetrator, the abuser, the cheater, the sex addict, the predator!!!….Looks as if He’s slowly turning this whole crapin mess around to victimize himself as he has done and continues to do in every day life…makes me want to vomit….

    Best of luck to you…learn all you can about this addiction. You’ve come to a great site with a great group of women. But please…please…stop and do not call yourself a “bad” wife ever again…………

    Blessings.

    Phyllis

  24. My husband and I have been together 30 years. He has had two affairs and visited a house of hookers in Reno several times. I just found out about the prostitute sex when he said he did not want to go on his annual Reno trip with his friends. He said has not done the “cat house” thing for two years. A lie detector test that he willing took confirmed that. We have a lot of fun together. He treats me like a queen. He is going to AA for alcohol and narcotics twice a week. He is trying to find a Inpatient or outpatient program that really works. Is there such a thing out there? He is looking for a Christian approach. Can this disease be helped long term? He is a great Dad and Grandpa and treats me like a queen. It is all too confusing. He was wonderful when I was ill. Help!!!

  25. I’ve just read several of your stories tonight and I’m sad and encouraged at the same time. Sad because I feel that the curse of our generation is SA. It’s like the plague of small pox or maleria before there was a cure and everyone around us is falling dead. That makes me sad, and angry. I don’t know about you, but I get angry when I see families torn apart and lives destroyed. I won’t even start to go down that road right now, but I believe there is something we can do about it. The cure is a long hard road ahead and one that may not be realized in our generation, but our voices do matter now.

    So why am I encouraged? Because more and more women are getting help by learning about this ugly disease. This website is just another tool to let us women know we are NOT ALONE. Thank you all for sharing candidly. I can relate to almost all of it, and feel liked I’ve lived in your house. My husband’s blaming, his personality quirks and emotional immaturity, the comments about “not being available to him enough sexually or emotionally”, and then me staying with him because of financial fear or believing his lies that “I” had something to do with it.” Yikes, I’ve lived through it all – but no more. As I sit here and type, I am pursuing a divorce from a marriage of 23 years – it is the only way for me to survive. I’ve known about my husbands SA for almost 6+ years and have seen it progress dispite all the SA meetings and counseling appointments he went to. We have both been in alot of counseling. Even when he said he was getting better, the relapes continued – and so did the stab in the heart for me. He went from online Porn to prostitution and alot more inbetween. I even separated from him for a whole year 2 years ago in hopes he would really work on this and things would be different. Initially, he was nicer, kinder, and it appeared he might change. But almost every third month or more I would hear of his “episodes”. How many times can a scab be pulled off and heal again. I must leave now for my healing.
    Fortunately, I’ve been part of a “Betrayed Hearts” group through my church for the last 3 years and all us women have been a huge support for one another. Some of the marriages have made it, others have not. Please get support. You cannot do this alone. My heart breaks for all of you and I understand your pain and anger. I cannot focus the rest of my life on being angry and hurt because of him. He is a Christian man and I pray God will get his attention now that I am out of the way.

    God will take care of me and my 15 year old son, but I have a double edged sword in my heart. You see my husband is the adult who made bad choices to get where he is today – his addiction, but now my son is struggling with porn himself and I feel he is a victom to our over-sexulized society – do these kids know that at a “click of the mouse” their lives can be altered towards destructive patterns that will ruin them and their relationships forever! That’s where I get angry. So much work to do. Please start by getting yourself healthy. Join a group of women. You need them to set strong boundries – so hard to do alone. We used to rehearse lines together just so we could stand up to the lies we were being told. It helps. I’m becoming a stonger person. It’s all very hard stuff. I’m going to make something of my life. Tonight my husband texted me and asked if I would reconsider divorcing him because he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me. I must let him go. I do love him. He doesn’t know it yet, but i’m doing him a favor. I hope he gets well.
    I hope all you ladies know that divorce is not the answer in every situation. I never thought I’d be here. I thought we might be one of those couples who made it and were an inspiration to other struggling couples. I do know a few couples who are doing well and their SA husbands are now walking in sobriety (Yes over 10 years) – but not without a cost to them. Most of them were totally exposed to everyone around them and so there was much accountability. They speak openly of their SA problems and are humbly accepting full responsibility. All of them are now grateful for their wives having strong boundries. So many good books to read about SA. (See “Patrick Carnes” book “Don’t call it love” and “Every Mans Battle”) These are good for the men to read. But for women (read “Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars” by Marsha Means, and “Hope After Betrayal” by Meg Wilson). Many more good books, but they help keep you sane and educated. Also, prayer helps. I pray for each and everyone of you and wish I could give you all a “Big Hug”. Hang in there.