Mine did not end with my husband caring enough to get help and change his ways. He got worse, I divorced him.
Same story as many here. I got a phone call from him one day. He meant to call another woman he had just met out. He skipped work a lot (he was an executive), so when I thought he was working or working late, or on a business trip, he was really out with others or at his strip clubs. When I got the phone call he did not recognize my voice or that he had dialed me, even repeated him self when I said “what?”….then got angry when I calmly told him it was me, who did he mean to call. He just lied (and really fast) about being with a male friend at lunch and calling him…but no guy talks to another guy like he was talking.
Red alert, I called my sister and she told me how to check a cell phone. I felt so sick.
I checked his phone when he got home, and there were three messages from other woman, one a stripper. One was even his secretary letting him know another woman had called and he needed to call her back. I thought his secretary was my friend, so hearing that voice mail really hurt. Turns out everyone at his company knows he was a player.
When I called his family for help to help him, his sister immediately blamed me and stated that it takes two the make infidelity happen. His family has not contacted me or our son in 4 years, not even a birthday card for my son, no support, no concern, they enable him to continue by blaming me and praising him.
He lied and lied until I played the voice mails….and then he lied more about the nature of the woman. I must say there is a history of absurd lying. He lied to me the entire first year we dated because he was separated then, but told me he had never married and had no children. He told me the pictures of his three daughters were his nieces, his wife his sister. He told everyone this, even my parents and son, all my (our)friends. A friend called me to tell me he was married with three kids a year later when she found out.
All my family and friends now tell me they never trusted him, they always felt like he treated me wrong, and that he is a player. They just never said anything because they had no proof, they just felt it.
When I found out he was married that first year and confronted him, the reason he said he lied was that the woman who introduced us had gone out with him and he had never told her he was married. He did not want her to think badly of him….I was like, what? Continuing being a liar is better? He went out with her when his first wife was pregnant and they were still together. I was horrified, I insisted he get help, he went one time, said the therapist said he had a lot of issues, he came clean with everyone, seemed sincere, ate crow, all the things you would expect, and I thought well he’ll not lie again, he is remorseful, he was traumatized by his wife leaving, etc. etc…made excuses for who I thought was a normal person who made grave mistakes.
He is not normal.
I did not know people could lie daily and pretend so well…..I now know that there are real monsters that have no empathy and no conscience.
So fast forward into eleven years of marriage, and as each year went by he seemed to become more and more irrational and mean. He would be angry at me and tell me I was not a good woman, but then next I was the most “ravishing” “smartest” woman he had ever known, he talked about me and bad mouthed me behind my back to his family and ex-wife (she helped perpetuate this) and his girlfriends, friends and daughters. I found these degrading emails about me when I went on the search for truth after the phone call (when he meant to call the other woman) he made to me by mistake 4 years ago. I made the mistake of always asking him what was going on when I found things….he always lied.
I discovered a double life, I pieced it together and found that when he was the cruelest to me it was when he had an affair going on. I found social networks, emails, voice mails, pictures (he took them of himself too and they are so vain and sexual), and as I got better at researching I found the disgusting porn sites he paid for, the disgusting male friends he engaged in devaluing women with, the awful and false portrayal he made of me to others. I found his secret password to open documents and read his letters to and from the other women, listing details of their activities. One woman I contacted and she filled me in, horrified because he told her we were in a bad marriage and so on…..I still did not excuse her mentioning that she knew he was married, even though he lied to sway her. He is a complete different person from what he pretended to be. We went to church every Sunday and were very involved, his insistence. We played this perfect family, but I wasn’t playing, I worked and loved hard. He was completely false.
He has to have admiration of others, and women are easy. He brags a lot, he lies a lot, he fools everyone. He is a narcissist. I called him a rooster, my therapist (after I found all this and everything crumbled) told me the official therapy term is a peacock. He also has no regard for others (empathy) and no qualms at all lying and looking you straight in the eyes, daily, even with proof in your hands. No conscience is a sociopath.
He uses people for his own gratification, not one person means anything to him except for how they can make him feel. He lives his life fooling everyone.
When I kept finding more and more concrete proof and he could no longer lie, he got violent because he was discovered and I required he get help, that was the only way I would consider not filing for divorce. He hit and pushed and lost it instead, he blamed, he belittled me, he did the most cruel things to me to try and bait me so he could blame me….he actually tried several times to force me to react, so he could make me the cause of divorce, so he could even have me jailed. He even forced a knife in my hand once and tried to stab himself, with my hand, so he could claim I was trying to stab him…..and I was so stupid and trusting and hoped and prayed and met with his therapists….everything…..but he never felt remorse, actually only cried when thought about how what all he had done said about him. He never cared about what it did to me, or our son. If they can’t care, then therapy is just another game. Everything is a game to him a strategy.
He began to hit and push. Broke my finger, threw me to the ground or across the room….he was losing control of the situation because he controlled everything with lies, and I was now looking and finding them. Daily, many women, so many lies to everyone. The strip club, he knew the strippers personally, had their numbers, met them outside the club. He became very infatuated with one and even opened a business for her.
Shopping trips for strippers and other women, and I was never allowed to spend a dime, I just figured he was a tight wad, but I at the time did not mind saving for our family and future. I did not know that so much money was being spent, and on strippers and that he had other women.
As I found more and more, the shock of how deep, how dark, how sick he is, and then his “frustration” and blowing up at me became so great. and the horrible insults, his leaving for days at a time as I found affairs, more and more, I finally filed for divorce. I hung on so long, prayed, cried, begged, but he just continued and went beserk and lied and lied. He then promised to see a new therapist that was supposed to be the best (he did not like the others), and I cancelled the divorce and then he cancelled his therapist appointments. Turns out my lawyer did not cancel the divorce even with my letter, which I guess he knew my husband would not stop. Two months after cancelling (which did not really cancel, but I did not know that), he left my son and I stating nothing was wrong with him, that he is a good guy, that I am crazy, and he was going to do what he wanted to do, no woman is going to tell him what to do, he wants to be happy and be himself and I stopped him from that, and I should just forget about all his affairs and lies and trust him, that he does not need a therapist but I do….and so on and so on….and my favorite….he is going to live and be happy and make the best decisions for me and our son.
I changed the locks the day he left.
He is at the strip clubs or girly bars nightly still. We have been apart 3 years, divorce was final about 6 months ago. He has since gone about 200k in debt (we had no debt and this debt is all related to looking like a big shot for the ladies), been fired from his executive job of 20+ years because of mistreatment (verbal abuse) of his employees (educated good people) and financial/contract shady stuff. He had court ordered supervised visits, I allow him no contact with me, I live scared because I know what he is, he is court ordered to therapy, but he does not show….he is a nightmare.
People still call me telling me they see him out trying to pick up teenage and 20 something women. He is in his 50’s. He has a girlfriend now and is cheating on her, but she would never believe it. He has her so fooled, he fools everyone. Well, not everyone, but quite a few people. He sure fooled me for many years.
The best thing I ever did was sever any access to me. He never cared in anyway about me or our family and I had to finally, as painful as it was, realize that any of his attentions were to hurt, use, or manipulate. It was the only way to to stop the abuse, to not feel like I was losing my mind finding out that what I thought was truth was just another lie. Everything he says is a distorted, twisted perspective, a way to use people, mostly women.
I keep holding strong, fighting him in court, being mistreated still by non payment from him of court orders, continued insults, and constant fear.
I will never forget crying, utterly grieving as I found another lie and another affair after promises of no more lies and no other affairs, and him following me around as a cried with a video camera filming me crying as he insulted me, degraded me, told me how worthless I was….all to try and make me react so he could film me his he caused me to lose my mind….which I never did…but how it hurt, and he smiled as he ran the camera.
He is still out there pretending, fooling women, it is always the women.