Miss C’s Story: How I Made My Decision To Divorce My Sex Addict Husband

I am 40 years old, recently divorced from the Sex Addict in my life, disguised as my husband.

I was with him for 11 years and married for 10.  If I had to describe the marriage in a few words it would be, chaotic, turbulent and full of extreme exhaustion.  As I reflect back now, it is incredibly difficult to remember good moments, nice times, harmony; it was all a fake world by him and an illusion for me.  Now lets get it out right off the bat, the illusion on my part is never indented from a self blame occurrence, it is my sincere belief this “empty, dark, nothingness man” latched on to my spirit and he vacantly floated through the “marriage image” of what I thought was my real life.

I bought into his silent “game show” he built around me called happily ever after “prince charming” is here, and “the prince’ will keep his fake world glued into my reality with intent to have me eat, sleep and breathe his silent wishes no matter what.  (Exaggerated talking here, but it is my experience if I was to bleed out from the pain caused by this person right in front of his every eyes – he would lovingly be okay to watch until ever drop was gone and lifelessness was remaining.  He is a sick, dark, lost, soul-less person who will sabotage anything in his path.

Life before disease–enter prince charming.  I jumped into this relationship right out of a 4 1/2 year relationship with an older, wealthy “alcoholic man”.  There is no doubt; work has been to be done to dissect the paths that lead me to this man.  In and out of relationships like a game of “hot potato”, looking to save someone else or waiting to be saved with now knowledge ending that wonderful cycle.  I really thought I did well this time, changing from the old style kind of man, the dominating, aggressive kind to this sweet, timid, polite, oh so polite British gentleman.  He was my prince, my savior.  He was so kind, tender, so loving. He enamored everyone in our circles, they thought I was the luckiest woman around.

In their eyes, he treated me like a princess, doting over me….

Hell, a friend even called him, her “hero”. Everyone needs a prince like him – the world echoed around me.

I knew deep inside, as much as I tried to figure it out, to fix the emptiness – something was just off.

My world to this day, everyone who knows is shocked. It is hard for their brains to arrange this information about this noble man to be something he really wasn’t.  Of course it is the classic case of everyone thinking the world of this person, the picture presented of the best-est image of all.  He did well with his traits that were gleaming so loud, masking the dark within.  He is sick yes, but brilliant above all.

So lets get right to it, shall we?  In early 2009 my relationship was at the rock bottom. I had had enough of the sabotaging, his low self-esteem, bad choices, never keeping his word, actions never matching what he promised.  Fixing so many things, him, two steps from screwing up a job, living in his need for failure and me, not knowing that somehow I was silently being groomed to behave two steps ahead, trying to do the fixing before the house of cards would tumble.

He would lie, use our personal credit cards to pay for business, keep terrible accounting and sometimes putting us more than $10,000.00 in arrears without my even knowing it.  There were many persistent complaints of his bad choices, but to a “non-aware” person of boundary violations, it became a circus.  Year after year of pleading for responsibility of a non-functioning inept person was exhausting. His shame / blame core fundamentals running the show, playing me like a fiddle with my insecurities of fault / guilt…..It was a vicious cycle headed to this place of utter shock and pain and a re-arranging of my tender spirit.

I had enough; I had a counselor who did telephone counseling. He now was also committed to working in this passive aggressive way to the counseling.  Every other week a three way call.  He traveled a lot over the years, at most times the schedule was 1 week home 5 weeks away.  At first we did a little work with his lying.  I’d be the one to be open and kind.  What is your untruths today hon?  Him: “well I ate a chocolate bar before dinner, but didn’t want to make you mad over the meal you cooked.”  kinda shit”.  Things were kind of improving so to speak.

Then on a call he admitted to fixing the books at his job.  He borrowed money and didn’t communicate about it and or replace it.  (Which we had enough in the bank to replace it) on this particular call I was outraged.  You cannot do that for the boss you are working for and be considered trustworthy.  Not only that, what you really want to understand here is, that risky behavior would and could have cost me (and him – but he doesn’t give a shit about himself anyway) my green card here in the states.

His boss was sponsoring him and here is risky behavior for no reason, except his illness.  I was out of my mind as he knew the bottom of this relationship was at it’s max, so the counselor, while on the phone, was straight and let him and myself have it, if you will.  She said to husband:  “Man, do you understand what you did?  Do You realize that there are laws against what you did? You could be arrested for that?  YOU OPERATE AS IF THE LAW AND SOCIETY “RULES” DO NOT APPLY TO YOU!”.  Then she said, “I need to talk to wife here, but husband you need to hear this. I get you are probably a good person and I care about you, but your wife needs to hear this.”  She turns the conversation to me, wife: “You need to understand who you are married to.  You are married to a liar and a thief.  Good or bad that is who you are married to, period.”

That was so much for me to even handle let alone what came next.  This is the statement that shattered my life.  She said: “Husband – right here, right now, it’s you and me, pretend wife isn’t here.  DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE YOU NEED TO BE STRAIGHT WITH HERE? WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO TELL US, RIGHT NOW?”  IS there anything else?  Husband: “YES.” Do you want to tell it now or to wife personally?  Him: “Wife, personally” ok – phone hangs up.

Husband turns to me and says:  “I have touched your friend while asleep on our couch when she was passed out one night.  I am stunned, “What?” I say, him: “I put my finger in her vagina while she was passed out.  I also tried to “MAKE AN ATTEMPT ON your sister (more on this at end).”  SHOCK – SHOCK – SHOCK overcomes me, I fall to the floor on my knees and start to hyperventilate.  I repeatedly say, “I don’t understand, I don’t understand, why would you do that?”  Then I ask, “Have you done this to me?”  He stops for a brief moment to recall, and then I hear, “YES”.

I ask when? How? What is this? He then states it started in 2004 whenever he was angry at me. He said it was over a 5 year period.  Now this is where it gets odd in his storyline about me.  He said it was on a few occasions of whenever I had too much to drink, like 5 or 6????.  So, I get it that he is into intoxicated women, unconscious.  However, his story is off. Later I come to find out he tried it about once a month.  I have NO, not ONE memory of this.  Someone once stated to me, “You were that drunk you don’t know a finger was in your vagina?”  Well, after much learning, especially about the preoccupation of this disease and how someone can spend hours in their heads, it is my true belief he spent hours trying, while waiting for me to be in a deep state of sleep.

He told me of the ritual. Of placing his hand on my thigh, waiting for his hand temperature to warm to my body temperature etc.  He said most times, I would push his hand away.  Again, no memory.  I know that with this disease the truth rarely ever gets known when dealing with an ill mind.  Maybe he used a drug, I will never fully know – I accept and move on.

Back to on the floor with world turned upside down.

The next 10 months were unbearable.  My rock bottom: sitting in a house, knowing the floor has been removed, stuck in a country I cannot leave to see family, my sister is the only one living close to me, and his “attempt” to claim her as a victim was too overwhelming for me to even see her.  I was in shock trauma of realizing I was a victim of his.

The worst part of all for me was that, aside from it all, my security was at risk. One: if he loses his job, forget about sponsorship, and Two – you cannot have a green card with a criminal record.  There was little income after paying down the thousands of dollars of debt.  He was going to 7 meetings and CSAT therapist 2 x a week for 8 months.  Debt went from zero in my name to thousands, thousands as he worked at recovery.

This REALLY didn’t serve me well.  I wasn’t at the state to even consider how to deal with the friend that was also his victim.  The next months were brutal. The good part was he when away for work So, I went straight to a therapist.  For me at the moment in time, it was a “forced” let go about country security, let go about husband and marriage, (stay or go) and ALL about “Holy shit brown cow, how the hell did I create this in my life?”

I lived with daily panic attacks thinking immigration or the police would knock on my door at any moment.  Within the first week I locked myself in my room, and read Codependent No More, Out of the Shadows, Mending a Shattered Heart, and every book I could get my hands on.  I had panic attacks reading about the signs and traits.  I would see the therapist thinking he fit every characteristic of a child molester, like he was right out of a textbook.  I would have conversations with him, in fear; there was no doubt, I was in worst-case scenarios.  I do not have any reason to suspect that he is a child molester and one day his therapist said in his training he doesn’t believe that he was. If he did think he was a child molester he would report it. So, I needed to let that exaggerated fear go.  I did.

I basically isolated myself, I couldn’t really share this and I picked very few individuals to talk with, mostly just my therapist knew.  I stayed in everyday, I didn’t have papers to work, nor could I in that emotional state.  If I ran into anyone and they would ask “How is your husband?” They might as well have taken a knife and driven it right through me. I couldn’t handle that part so I didn’t place myself in a position to be asked those questions.

I was all about self-protection until I could feel okay again.  He came back as the process for a green card kept him in the country and he couldn’t travel for his job.  Also in my need to do self-care and self-discovery I went and took the course Breakthrough at Caron, less than a month after discovery.  I was driven to get to the cause of my life ending up in this harsh reality.

It was pinnacle in my healing journey.  I lived the belief that he is an ill man trying to get well, not a sick man trying to get better.  For four months we lived together in a small one bedroom place.  I even allowed him to share the bed.  In my discussions with therapist, it wasn’t about punishment, and at that time I was also being the one, managing again, the limit to which it impacted us financially.  So in the beginning it was very difficult but great training for me in some of the codependency tendencies.  Plus, all the other fears, the demise of marriage, while in the residency process.  Ugh it was a tough one people.

I know this is a long story.  After 4 months of my choices no matter how empowering I could make, given the circumstances I found myself dealing with, I finally kicked him out.

Two things had happened. One: I became aware of how in the middle of the night I would roll over, the covers would come off and I would frantically replace them.  I was starting to find self-awareness and to see the damage that no longer worked for me in my adjusting phases.  Two: while I was watching a show he came into the room and there was a sex scene on the show.  He didn’t stay and watch, but two weeks later he came to discuss something with me.  His delivery was: “I know this will make you upset, and I know I’m fearing being rejected – but……..I would like to have sex with you and I am afraid you will say no.”

WTF!  I was floored.  Then I proceeded with: “How is that ok with you to say those things, do you know how insensitive that is – given what you have done to me? The nerve he had to say what came next: “Well, you have been walking around here giving me signals, gallivanting your body around!”  That was it for me: I said, “You do not get to withhold for two weeks the right for me, MY right to cover my body in this small one bedroom apartment. I spoke to you about your triggers and what was appropriate.”  Believe me when I say, I was not gallivanting; a person whom has been sexually violated in what is defined as rape doesn’t do that sort of thing.  Hmmmm, not that there is anything to defend on my part.

That night I gave him until Sunday to leave and wrote a declaration and read it to my therapist the next day.

Fast forwarding, it took a long time to get my sense of self back, learn the behaviors that lead me on my personal journey to the kind of men I choose, to the ways in which I reacted to life, how my family of origin played a role in the choices I made along the way.  I altered my way of being, changed my ways and vibrations in which I resonate in the universe.  I can look back and see the outlines that were not healthy. I will never tweak a box for myself in the label of “codependent” and I will never allow myself to be the label of co-addict, as if I was a “fault based participant” in his behaviors of silent destruction.

I will say there was a “functioning defect” in my upbringing that didn’t allow me to understand the rights of boundaries; my right to know that I can implement personal boundary “allowances” so to speak.  Truly, it is crazy for me to think that I tolerated boundary violations when I didn’t know I had a right to them in the first place.  I come from the belief system of this: I was never, and could have never known what was the silent destructive pattern at the core of my diseased husband and marriage, I wasn’t equipped, informed to know how to “know the red flags” of this powerful dysfunction.

What I know is true for me is: growing up I became the fixer, the fixer out of sheer terror if I didn’t fix everything / everyone on the outside around me I couldn’t feel safe on the inside.  Call this a co-dependency tendency of control all you want, but it’s background is from sheer terror.  It’s not right, and this is not okay for a personal trait to make it acceptable to have someone abuse another human being in his or her illness.  I understand the context of “co-addict” however, this would mean I knew something about this silent destructive way in my marriage and I was a participant.

Now, in addiction, especially this addiction, a Sex Addict typically utilizes their abilities to project blame to the tenth degree to justify their behavior.  I get it, I was oxygen to his fire, the operative word being his – NOT mine.  And I get it, putty in his hands I was.  That is what any caring victim is to their predator / violator.  The predator is fully aware and engaging in grooming behaviors and abilities, stealing spirit and harming the innocent.  And I use innocent in the context of “not knowing” what was at the core.

Just before the Divorce was final my sister was able to share her story of the “actual” violation she awoke to on that night at our apartment.  While I was asleep in the other room, he not only attempted like he stated, he succeeded, as she awoke to his finger in her vagina.  Stunned and in disbelief, she tried to silently fend him off as he made three other unsuccessful attempts.  She kept this secret for various reasons for over 2 years.  What was ironic about her attempt to protect me, and her love for me, is when I found out about the attempt on her, I was afraid of hurting her if I shared. Well it was just too overwhelming.  All from love, what if I implanted something that was not so and it damaged her more – it was a difficult time.

We are healing and with my signing the divorce I lovingly give up the right to charge him for what he has done.  I am healed and have moved on from that trauma done to me.  I fully support my sister’s right to prosecute him should she choose.  She is in therapy and working through her process, she has two years to decide what should be her path.  As for my friend, I am not yet strong enough to confront her with that and hopefully with guided therapy that will be handled with dignity and honor.

Now what I think about him, is he a classic textbook Sex Addict? I am not so sure since there hasn’t been with his program any resemblance of accountability or displays of remorse. I believe he is a lost soul without a conscience.  Or he could be a sociopath or a narcissist with predator sexual compulsions.  I do not know, nor do I care.  All I know is he is a slippery, ill man incapable of having self-responsibility and accountability.  Because of who he is it  still impacts and unfortunately plays a role in my life from now on.

There are still, financial ties to clean up by sheer association.  I march on.  Divorce, and the system of a no fault state, did not serve my needs and me very well.  Yet I march on.  My security is still intact, my spirit healthy and in full bloom.   And legally I am no longer attached to this toxic person.  My post trauma is manageable and healing goes forward daily.

I am willing to own what there is of mine to own.

I am not willing to own his – I pass the shame torch over for his ownership of his/this disease and acting out, the sex addictive behaviors and violations.

I am unwilling to settle for anything less than an extraordinary life, full of healthy, happy relationships of equal and honorable love.

Today, everyday there after……….I choose me!

Thank you for letting me share my story.

Miss C

Responses

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  1. Thank you Miss C,
    for sharing this difficult story. It must have been tough to put it all out there. And hard to believe you lived through it!

    I was particularly caught by your remarks about the SA “grooming” you. I have wondered about this myself, as I look back over the years of emotional abuse endured from my SA, but also his mother, and sometimes (I now realize) by the two of them together. But I also wonder about why people think we should take responsibility for all of this happening. I understand that when pedophile’s groom their victims, the victim is a child and shouldn’t be held responsible. But when conmen and conwomen take advantage of their adult “marks”—there is usually “grooming” that goes on as well. While some may suggest people were “foolish”, in most cases, the victims of con artists are not blamed 100% for the results of the con.

    I think of my SA has a superb con artist. He fooled me. He fooled his employer. He fooled his church. He fooled his family. He fooled him friends. He fooled everyone he met–presenting himself as an honest, trustworthy, deeply spiritual, faithful husband, morally upstanding, self-disclosing, empathetic and caring person. He was NONE of those things. He was a very good CON ARTIST. We were all groomed for his con. When I found out, I got out. But I wasn’t co-anything. I was conned by one of the best.

    It boggles my mind why the SA models still pitch defaults setting for wives and partners of SA as co-dependents and co-addicts. These men were liars the likes of which can not be fathomed. If we begin to think of them as con artists, I think it changes the landscape a little. I am then not required to play the role of some damaged female hopelessly and inevitably drawn (but still my own fault) to men who will hurt me. As someone who was (for whatever reason) looking carefully for a man who did NOT exhibit the characteristics of an abuser or an addict, I happend to meet a e man presenting the furthest thing from those dangers–and choose that as a safe place. It’s a huge mistake. But it’s not because I’m seeking out someone sick at all. He was just a con man and he fooled everyone.

    Why can’t people knock off the weird approach that the addiction models insist on using to shit on us, and try the simple approach? We were conned.

    Lots of light and love in your new life, Miss C.
    D.

  2. Dear Miss C:

    Wow, what a story. Your transformation from shattered PTSD to a healing strong person again is remarkable. So many points along the way—the shock of discovery, his criminal behavior- all very familiar, I am glad you shared. My sa has been quite unethical at times, horrible with money, etc, and he is also sexually shady and dishonest. The character deficit, black as a hole in space, they operate completely void of conscious. I am so glad you divorced the situation and moved on. How horrible to endure. I hope you are finding healthy relationships and love again.

  3. Miss C, you’ve been through so much. I admire you for only owning what is yours to own and ‘passing the shame torch over’. I felt groomed too. The con and mind games have to be experienced to be understood. The trauma bond felt like addiction, and the relief when that bond is broken is tremendous. Your ptsd will improve as you continue, I can vouch for that. As you say, with health and spirit intact the rest will come. Be well.

  4. Alright— I have to come out of my self-inflicted “retirement.” (I was going through quite a bit of life with my autistic son, but it is all worked out now and he is going to a wonderful therapeutic boarding school, starting next month. Anyone in need of a “pitbullmom” for hire? 😉 )

    This story showed up in my email and I just can’t sit by, because I’m absolutely outraged that this psycho is getting off “scott-free”.

    C— You sound like one courageous, smart, incredibly strong woman. This is one of the most gross-EST stories I’ve ever read. Your ex-husband IS a PSYCHOPATH, SOCIOPATH— SUBHUMAN.

    no excuses, no apologies, or minimizing necessary.

    HE NEEDS TO BE IN PRISON.

    HE IS A COMPULSIVE MOLESTER, RAPIST, not to mention FELONIOUS THIEF. (and I’m sure that there are many more charges, one could come up with, that could put this psycho away for a very long time.)

    Sorry to be shouting, but I’m absolutely outraged. Who told you that you can’t prosecute as an ex-wife? That just can’t be true. Have you spoken to a lawyer?

    HE IS A CRIMINAL— to the nth degree and needs to be punished and removed from civilized society!!!

    Find the courage if you possibly can. Gather your sister and your friend and anyone else you can find. Gather forces and get angry. and I mean, really ANGRY!!!

    GET the most blood thirsty LAWYER you can find.

    PROSECUTE.

    Keep this deviant off the streets. He is only going to go on and on and hurt more and more women and it is only going to escalate…(and YES, that could mean children, too!!!) If you want to help someone. Help all of the innocent victims who will fall prey to this sicko, if he is not STOPPED.

    I was wrong. I can’t really ever say good-bye to y’all.

    Peaceful holidays to all,

    Lorraine

  5. Rather than being driven by our obsessions I think we should all be humbled by Miss C.’s enlightening and insightful, yet simply stated words:

    We are healing and with my signing the divorce I lovingly give up the right to charge him for what he has done.

    I am healed and have moved on from that trauma done to me.

  6. Hi Miss C.
    Good to hear you again and glad you sound so good as you have finished the major business with your former SAH.
    Horrified for you, your sister, friend and anyone else his life has violated.
    Working my way toward the finality of divorce as well. Not that there’s a lot to work out…mine is unemployed and broke.
    Even a “blood thirsty” lawyer told me there’s nothing to get from him so keep it simple and just be happy to get out without him suing me for alimony!!! In thinking about this I realized I could buy a car that was a lemon and have greater legal recourse than I do having been “conned” (thank you Diane-and amen to that) into marrying an SA.
    “I was oxygen to his fire” the sad truth so beautifully expressed Miss C.
    Be well,
    Kacy

  7. Yes, Y’all are right. There is really nothing to be done, after a time. Its just my anger erupting again. just fantasy that somehow the “score” can be evened, but it can’t.

    Just glad that you got out and are safe. That’s the most important thing.

    Thank you again for your sharing C.

    love to all.

    L

  8. Miss C
    You took control of your life and stopped the madness when the madness was revealed for what is was. Like Diane, I am frustrated by the blanket if CO- that is placed on all partners/spouses. Most of us were simply DUPED by men who were desperate to keep their secret and did everything possible to throw off the scent. My husband told this to our therapist and said that he knew that if I ever had any slight inkling of what was going on that I would have been like a dog with a bone until I got to the bottom of it. I confronted anything that I saw as a problem in our relationship but didn’t have a clue what the overriding issue was. I too thought that I was safe. I didn’t know that the guy that I saw as the protector – the one to keep the wolves at bay was in fact the wolf. That is the most painful part.

    1. Lylo,
      Would you mind sending me your email (e mail address removed) address? I would like to talk with you, however, I know that giving out personal contact info online is risky. If you dont mind giving me your email address, I would really appreciate talking with you. I need someone that can relate to what I am currently dealing with.

  9. I really appreciate reading these stories. It helps to know we’re not alone. The one thing I can’t seem to get past is that 25 years of my life have been taken under false pretenses. There’s no way to compensate me for the life I’ve lost while trying desparately to make the lie work. I, like Lylo, recognized there were problems in my marriage. I was not willfully blind to them and I hauled my SAH to marital therapy for two sets of sessions. He didn’t come clean during either set of sessions. I knew there were problems, but I didn’t have any idea what the root issue was until I found his stash, then everything made sense. Trust is another problem. I will never trust this man again. He was supposed to be the one watching my back…not stabbing it. I’m done. I need to find a way out.

  10. Oh Bettie I so understand. I was married for 26 years before it was revealed and I remember screaming at him that I wanted my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s BACK! It sometimes feels like my life is just ruined and unsalvageable. But I know that God can restore us in ways that we can’t imagine and every day holds the possibility of something wonderful for all of us.

    1. Me, too. Too sad to talk. 20 wasted years with a man with no feelings, no personality– just addicted to his deceitful sense of self worth.

  11. Hi All,

    Thank you for your support, kind words of encouragement and tenderness.
    It is amazing to me, of course I am the one living this story, but yes it is a sad state of affairs from others looking in. A gross story no doubt.

    Joann, thank you for your commitment, creating the space for love and acceptance.

    Lorraine, I loved what you stated, I love your passion, your caring and your words are honest and raw.. You have a right to your anger and expression, it is real, valid and for certain rightfully so!
    There is a law called “Tort” in which I could have made a civil action against him. And with the Statue of Limitations a person has 4 years from the incident to charge the individual.
    By me signing my divorce papers as a wife harmed by husband will complete that process of me charging him. One thing that has been instrumental for me in my process is finding all valued information, seeking the knowledge to provide for myself choices that are made in of sound mind and being grounded. For me personally, I made my choice to release that aspect of my charging him for his violations.
    I am in a healthy loving, the most intimate relationship with an incredible loving man like none other – I have known. He is so respectful, unselfish, with a loving open heart. I have healed and moved on from the sexual trauma and PTSD lessens as time goes by and healing takes place.

    There is a still a terrible financial mess for me to clean up, residue from being attached to a man like him. I am doing my best to resolve, solve and have myself be in a position to not have to live on the edge of losing Alimony at this present time. It would be extremely unwise to not appreciate alimony isn’t something I can count on. Like to consider the path of alimony will continue, given there are two people who have the capacity to consider charging him and thus me being affected by that part of his accountability. However, another thing I am extremely proud of is, the tenacity in which I am placing steps that work so the people that love me (who have been harmed like my sister and friend) will never have to make that choice for themselves around monetary value – for their love for me and how that will effect my quality of life and rebuilding. That is something that will just not work with my core values. I am a loving beautiful person inside and out, who has always had a sincere love for people’s birth right to be happy.

    Another huge part of my recovery, healing process is for me to realize what is my responsibility, what is mine to own and what is mine to give away or give over. In the past, there is no doubt I lived like an inflated sense that somehow I had “super” powers to stop things from happening, I could somehow save others from pains and hurts. I learn from the struggle a long time ago, the pains of not being able to protect my baby sister, and being real and frank, I couldn’t protect myself from the monster in my bed let alone protect anyone else. I has taken me a long time to let go what is my personally responsibility to the planet, earth, people and grandiose feeling like I can play god and stop unforeseeable events. It’s just not realistic and or it’s just not my job, if you will.
    I have spoken to people necessary, like his very good friend about how the potential of his work claiming more victims so that is outta of my hands. I will hold my sisters hand should she consider her recovery include charging him, I will be contacted my friend through guided therapy to allow her the right to heal, charge should she consider that her path. (It is unknown if she knows, remembers or doesn’t) either way I would never rob her the right to have the chance should she seek justice for herself. I knew that in accepting this tragedy called my life learning hardship, I wasn’t his only victim. Therefore, I knew the ties that I accept that will effect me based on sheer association. It took a long time in my healing to give up on my previous fault base system like I could have prevent this from happening. I breathe in acceptance.
    It is my belief this man is a house of falling cards, he doesn’t have the capacity to intercept this disease, path, destruction madness of a man. I have no doubt he will pay for his crimes and be held accountable, it will be in due time…..

    I am so amazed at how far I have come on this healing journey, when I need to step back and breathe in accomplishment – I review my declaration and find peace in every situation when I put ME first…..
    Here is where that declaration can be viewed should you want to see.
    http://blessing10.wordpress.com/2009/08/06/“prostituting-herself-out-for-her-fear-of-security-”/
    Happy Holidays, sending you all peace and love.
    C

  12. Thank you for a beautiful and very inspirational post C and wishing everyone well over the holidays.

    Love,

    Lorraine

  13. ms.c i wish i was that sure about my own life no one deserves what these addicts are doing to us or especially to our kids. What have people done with morals and respect i feel for you but remember you are doing the right thing.

  14. Diane,

    I’m with you: I don’t feel like a co-addict. I was deceived by a very smooth con artist. Almost 27 years of marriage, five kids. I’ve been trying to get a divorce for a year and a half. He’s an attorney and just won’t negotiate. It’s hell. I’m glad I’m not the only one!

  15. I married the man of my dreams, my prince charming; tall, dark & handsome. Kind, polite, and loved by all who knows him. He never said an unkind word to me. He didn’t deny me anything, or did he? He is self-employed. My sons from a previous marriage, and I spent hours discussing the importance of keeping good financial records, saving receipts, etc. For a man who worked long hours during the day, he seldom provided for us financially. I paid most of the bills for 12 plus years.
    Shortly after we were married, I found porn on the computer, I knew it was him, but he denied it. I learned a few years ago that he obtained women’s numbers from television ads. He justified by saying, “it was when we got in a fight, I just wanted to see if I still have it.” One and a half years ago I learned about 20,000.00 worth of credit card debt. He justified by saying,”I used it to pay bills, and fix my equipment.” (carpet cleaning equip.)
    This last year I found provocative messages on his cellular phone. I also learned that he was having sexual relations with women asking for specific illicit drugs. It has been a complete nightmare for me. We have been separated for 10 months, and divorced almost 5 months. He has most people fooled, especially his family. I can’t come to grips with this. I loved this man with all my heart. Since the separation, he has treated me coldly. He acts as if I’m the problem.
    I had him getting treatment, but he wasn’t honest. He said, “It is not as bad as you think!” How does another human being do this to another human being? I’m sick! Please help.

    1. Please, I understand your pain Kathy, but this is not a forum. If you need help and want input from other women, please consider joining the Sisterhood. This site just does not have enough bandwidth to allow for an open discussion. Please keep all comments directed toward the original article. Sorry. ~ JoAnn

  16. Good for you for getting out of the marriage. I have been married almost nine years to a SA husband and just found out about his activities last year. While it has been an easy and a difficult decision at the same time, to get out of this marriage, ultimately we, the spouses, have to do what is best for us. I resent the whole SA approach to treatment (blaming the other spouse; I am not a codependent by any means, but the finger pointing made a very difficult situation even harder). I am very proud of you!

  17. After 11-1/2 years of marriage I am divorcing my SA. We have two daughters. My D-Day was one year ago I caught him by an email from an Escort, that’s when he admitted to four different prostitutes over 9 month to two year period a total of 15 times. Now, after I filed he divulged he was calling up to six prostitutes a day back in 2007 so at least 7 out of 11 years of marriage this has been going on. He still lies and denies, changes his stories like the wind, and blames me. He has attended some SA meetings but that was just recently. He says he is cured and since turning 50 he will not lie or go to prostitutes ever again…ya right!! I think our entire marriage has been a lie, he is very sick, and now I worry about my pre-teen daughters. I am forcing him out of the house soon and that is when my healing can begin, along with supervised visitation which he will have with our daughters. He blamed everything on me for 11 years, now he can find someone else to blame for his depression, dark, disgusting world he lives in.

  18. I’ve been conned by three wolves in sheep’s clothing. What they ALL had in common? Covert narcissism, the ability to lie very easily, childhood trauma, the penchant for playing the victim in every prior relationship, throwing every good thing I brought to them in the muck, positions of power and authority over vulnerable others (all three teachers, professors, 2 therapists), multiple women on the line at a time, the ability to convince me I was their only hope for love/understanding/intimacy, the ability to choose an unsuspecting, kind, empathic, tenaciously loyal woman to play/hurt/blame/treat like the crazy one…until I had had enough, THEN the unbelievable ability to deny any of what they had done (and that I had broken it off) and the gall to act like they had had to dump me (due to my craziness)! Once I’d healed, I was so incredibly grateful to God that I was not trapped in a “relationship” with any of these troubled men, and sad that someone else probably was. The blame I’ll take is that I believed really talented liars, fell in love with them, attached to them and then got so confused by their behavior, that it took me a while to get my emotions and thoughts right-side-up again. Therefore I will apologize profusely and try to make it up to the person whom I hurt unwittingly…myself: “I’m so very very sorry I didn’t know such people existed, and therefore wasn’t prepared to fend them off.” “I completely forgive you!” There, all settled. Thanks be to God!!

  19. I am currently in this
    I discovered my 21 year marriage was a fare 5 months ago by getting into his email
    Sadly in the shock I took him back dealing with my pain and I can’t get him out
    I miserable going through the motions knowing this is still going on
    There were signs early on but we were kids married young
    I have a feeling he cheated off and on the entire marriage
    One night stands
    Not affairs but every question over the years has flooded my mind
    I have to get out
    He is a living lie

    1. What you know is only the very tip of the iceberg. He has been putting your health at risk and may very well have had women in you very bed. I gave all my furniture away to Salvation Army. Be very careful. Protect yourself. He is in an addiction and does not care about anything but getting his fix. Women are objects, not people. He is mentally ill. Would you want to be around a serial killer? It’s very much the same. Don’t be heartbroken, be afraid. My husband was planning on raping another guy’s wife without her knowledge and then I wondered if he was going to do that to me. I was getting sick whenever he was around. Makes me think he was poisoning me. These guys are capable of anything. Protect yourself.

  20. Thank you for your story that is so much like mine. What can I say? #MeToo. The illusion, the heartbreak, the abuse, the sickness, the broken dreams, the broken lives. The sex addict leaves a wake of destruction in his/her path. I think mine was trying to kill me to add to everything else.

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