Reply to ‘Help’

lunchboxI received an e-mail today that was very disturbing. When I tried to respond my reply was returned as undeliverable. My second try resulted in the same.

I am posting this person’s cry for help here in an effort to reach her, as I feel that the issues of pedophilia and incest are very serious. Please feel free to offer your comments or support.

Here is the e-mail:

Subject: help

Message:

my boyfriend is a sex addict-he stole my 21 year old daughters memory card and printed her pictures out and i found them in his lunch box for 9 years he has been a father to her in every way,short of giving birth to her himself this act has broken me im at a loss he i seeing a shrink since this has happen 2 visits so far this dr has only had 3 sa clients in his 40 plus years of service is this another dead end where do i turn

Hi xxxxxx,

I’m so sorry for what you are going through right now. I do understand the pain.

This is a very serious issue.

Let me say that again. THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS ISSUE!

You need to focus on yourself and your daughter. You need to recognize that there may have been other inappropriate conduct between your boyfriend and your daughter over the last nine years. She may or may not have been aware of it, but it does need to be addressed. Can you talk to her about this? Does she know that he had her photos?

That would be the first thing I would do–talk to her. She may feel so traumatized or embarrassed that she may resist talking about it, but you do need to approach her as she may need intensive counseling. And, if there has been inappropriate contact you, and her, both need to file charges against this man.

You need to find a counselor for yourself. You have undergone a huge trauma and you need help to work through it.

Your bf’s counseling is his own issue. It would be best if he found a counselor who specializes in Sex Addiction, but these can be difficult to find. The next best thing would be to find a counselor who would work on your bf’s childhood issues and how they connect to what is happening today. I have no doubt that your bf has a tragic background.

Please, please, take that first step and talk to your daughter about this and get some counseling for yourself. If you feel comfortable enough, let me put your story on my site and you can share the wisdom of all of the other women who have experienced similar problems.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Hugs and all my best,

JoAnn

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Responses

  1. I suggest u should take the first step which is to talk to your daughter because as Joann says she might feel a bit shy or not aware of the things that your bf does.it is important to secure first the feelings of your daughter whether she is a victim or not. thank god if she’s not…and after your daughter security try to find help for this trauma that your bf caused you.Good luck to you and your daughter.God bless!

  2. thank you joann my daughter has no idea,we are close and no at this time i really dont believe i could talk to her at this point in her life she does not live here due to school i know i sound like a terriable mother but i know my daughter and she would never forgive herself she is dealing with major issues in her life as far as my bf i know his acting out consist of looking,internet porn, magazines, strip clubs,women walking,driving by, and me he truely knows he has a big problem and has is seeing someone as i told you.we also have taked at great length i know he lies like we breath asfar as me i have been trying to find counseling but i have no health insurance i will call the women shelter again to set up something thanks to all your site is a gift

  3. Please locate the “Women’s Studies center or it may be called “Gender Studies” (usually at a community college, women’s health center’s, universityies, etc. Wome completing thier grad studies are often available to give excellent up to date advice/sharing as they complete thier counselor degrees/certifications. Some of the most heart felt priceless guidance came from these deicated wome.

  4. i’m still here why i dont know, my daughter is at school we have talked not about this but i guess i talk around it and she has not said anything. i’m a mess as much as i want to leave i dont want to in limbo!! tryed to write my story but its most of my life my dad.my dead husband now this one i read this site as often as i can and i want to thank all of you

  5. Hi kat,
    I can feel your sense of being overwhelmed by the burden of knowing what you know, and fearing what you don’t know. Do you think that’s what is immobilizing you?

    Your other post said you would call the women’s shelter. Did you do that? I’m just wondering because maybe if you had a counsellor or trained support person with you, you could talk to your daughter with less anxiety about dealing with immediate reactions.

    Also, any first step will help you feel more confident that you will find your way. When we’ve been beaten down, we begin to doubt that we know what to do. And everything seems so huge, that we fear if we make a wrong step, the consequences will be just as huge. But it’s not like that. We can take a wrong step and then take a right step. We just have to live as if it really is our life and we can change the direction it is taking.

    The only way to change the direction of your life is to take a first step.

    May you have courage and may you trust the goodness of life to be underneath each step you take. Blessings, sister.
    D.

  6. hi Diane and thank you i have called the womans shelter waiting to hear back i also called the local med schools, womans studies they asked alot of questions and told me they will present it to group and call me in a week or two and let me know if i am accepted for counseling i never realized how hard it would be to find someone to talk too

  7. i heard from the womans studies i see someone monday i feel like someone threw me a rope i also signed up on recovery nation any insight on this site i started to read the partners workshop boy do i have alot to understand thanks again also please forgive my typing i am not good never have been

  8. Dearest Kat,
    We are with you!!! Way to go!

    Such courage it all took, and so much effort when our spirits are just beaten down. Wow. Your first step. Just go with it, Kat. As things unfold you will find you still have choices, and people will be there with good will and hope for your life, and practical help too. And remember not to worry if you make a booboo on this new path. Those are just factored in, and we move on.

    Our paths are never exactly the same, but we can still share the journey.

    Kat you made me cry happy tears this morning. Now I must get to work and suck it up for a “very serious” meeting in a room full of men. But as far as I’m concerned, the best work is happening here with us.

    Lightbeams,
    D.