I Think He’s A Sex Addict, But I Love Him

but i love him

I’ve just found this site. I think my husband is a Sex Addict, but the thing I have been struggling with the most is my “but I love him”. My husband and I have been together since I was 16. I’m now 32.

I’m lucky I’m young but it’s still half my life.  We have a 14 month old girl and 3.5 year old son. My reason for leaving is many fold

A) I don’t trust him and I don’t believe what’s he has told me is the truth or the whole truth at any rate.

B) I don’t want my daughter particularly normalising this. And I don’t want my son repeating this.

C) I am now questioning everything

D) I’m beginning to look at our relationship and wonder why he never prioritised me the way I did him E) I’d rather leave now than be too scared to do it later

My husband has yet to be diagnosed. However of the 40 questions to ask yourself to diagnose I found online he only said no to 7. The rest were yeses.

He is going to go to therapy.

I can’t stay throughout it because I don’t believe he’ll stop even with therapy. But if he does – good for him.

I’m also a little concerned he’s a socio path now I know what a good liar he is. We read the qualities and both agreed he has most of them. He has real issues with connecting to people.

I found out 1 month and 2 weeks ago he had fathered a child with someone else. A co worker. She was a mutual friend.

She was married too at the time of conception.

I was going to stay. I was going to pay child support. The child is almost 5. It only came out to me he’d had a fling after he got served with a family court application.

He swore there was nothing else.

Then I got suspicious. I found plans to meet up with strangers in person. I found online websites he was a member to(paid membership). And it’s throughout our entire relationship.

He agrees he needs help. But I am certain he’s lying that the one time he had sex outside a marriage he just had the bad luck to get her pregnant.

I knew he was bisexual at 16 when we got together. I thought he was non-practicing. Now I don’t believe him.

I’m lucky. I have a great job and can afford to support myself and my kids.

Luckily I have a wonderful mother who is willing to lend me “buffer money” that i need to feel secure going it on my own. I’m self employed.

And now I find out my family has always suspected he cheated throughout our marriage but had  no proof. And I had no idea of what’s normal. I had one partner (still have) ever.

Turns out most married men don’t carry condoms in their wallets in case they randomly need to masturbate. Lol

Anyway – I’m coming to terms.

I blame myself for being actively blind but I really didn’t see any of this coming.

I was totally stunned. He hasn’t paid for sex to the best of my knowledge but he works in computers and knows how to find people for free.

It’s the beginning of my recovery. And I still love him. But I’m not staying.

I can’t. For me. I would go insane.

Maybe we will stay friends. We have kids together so that would be for the best.

Did I mention I’m a divorce lawyer???

Yep I totally should’ve been less naive.

Sorry for my rant/vent.

Much love and support to those who stay. I think you are stronger than me. I just couldn’t.

Melissa x

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Responses

  1. Dear Brave, Sweet Melissa. It is much more difficult to leave than to stay. So, I have to respectfully disagree that it is YOU who is the strong one! I stayed too… for a while. Until I finally realized that he would always keep secrets from me, not just about who he was fucking but other things too. Things that husbands are supposed to share with their wife.

    I just moved nine days ago, after a 25 year marriage and we are friends too. But, again, I cannot trust him either. Most of the time, I’m okay, but it is still not easy. I am still at the “when can I go back home stage?” However, I absolutely adore my new apartment which is in a charming 92 yr old building, in a quaint town. I am determined to reclaim my life and you can too! It is my fervent hope that more women will realize in their own time when enough is enough and find a way to escape the crazy. However, I also understand that for some, it is impossible or next to impossible. It took a lot of creative financing for me to be able to go.

    And no, please… you could NOT see it coming. So, please stop beating yourself up, second guessing (although we all do that–ugh) AND apologizing. for what? You did nothing wrong! Rant all you want. That is your right! This unfortunate dude did a real number on you and if anything you are being too kind. (IMO) :] Only an obsessive neurotic might’ve possibly seen it coming. A normal healthy woman would not see it coming, because she loves and that love is based on TRUST. So, your not realizing is NORMAL. He is the one who is not normal. His brand of love is nothing but fake and phony. He is incapable of sustaining anything else. And you are right, he sounds pretty far gone and you are also right that you will never know the entire story and believe me, you don’t want to. Just take the good parts of him and leave the rest. Protect your innocent children and you will be fine. xo, Kim

    and happy holidays to all!

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words.

      The friendship is doing quite well. When I just tell myself his choices no longer matter to me. We are done so he can do as he pleases. I don’t believe him for a Second when he says he’s done nothing since he has moved out. If he had done nothing would he really be so tired he falls asleep here on the couch when he comes to see the kids. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

      I’ve enjoyed my own space and the lack of sulking in my home since he moved out. Lol my 3 year old sulks less.

  2. Dear Melissa,

    Please don’t beat yourself up about not seeing the truth for 16 years. My husband hid it from me for 23 years….put up a great “boy scout” type of facade. They are sociopaths…..liars, manipulators, scum of the earth as far as I’m concerned.

    I’m a tax attorney/estate attorney/CPA/business owner. I didn’t see any of this coming either. Please don’t beat yourself up. They are master liars and manipulators. You approached the marriage from a position of trust, as we all did. Our trust was betrayed by common con men. It happens to the best of us.

    My best, Betty

    1. Yeah. I met another lawyer who was in the same boat as me too – she was corporate law. It’s the family law part that makes me feel like I was wearing blinders. I do this for a living.

      But as you say – its not wrong or abnormal to trust. He was just not worth trusting but that’s more about him than me.

  3. Mellissa, If you see sociopathic tendencies, I beg you to get yourself a copy of Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown. It will explain everything and help you tremendously. Not all sex addicts are disordered, but most disordered are sex addicts. It is going to be very difficult for you to make this break. We are as addicted to these relationships as they are to their dalliance. I pray you have the courage to break away before he can cause permanent damage to your 2 babies. Good luck.

    1. I’ve broken free. I’m not no contact. We have kids. And I’d rather he spend time with them here than take them away overnight. So it’s working well. And to be honest every day it’s easier to stay free. It’s easier to let go. I now wouldn’t even say “but I love him”. I might…. But I don’t “know I do” so I figure I’m detaching as I go and getting stronger all the time.

  4. Thank you for replying.

    I’m 6 weeks out from him moving out and doing really well. Yay me.

    I’m ok with the fact that I’m single and staying that way. I now don’t know if I love him. And I certainly am not willing to say I love him. So I’m moving forward in fits and starts.

    I’ve heard it takes a year to get “better”. And that seems an awful long time. I’ve had counselling. I’ve got my work. And my kids are settling into their new normal.

    Anyway I think I’ve stopped beating myself up for not guessing. And I’ve encouraged him into therapy for his own sake (not reconciliation). So all systems go for my brave new world.

    Now to accept some people are total douchebags and let it go.

    Wishing you all happiness.

    I might not be there – but I do feel its just around the corner.

    X

  5. Melissa, you are so strong. I’m impressed by this thread.

    I’m surprised that some of you are able to stay on friendly terms with the sexually addicted father of your kids. I have been unable to do so. The father of my five children is SO angry at me for filing for divorce. He blames me and takes no responsibility. I let the kids visit him as much as he wants, but he rarely sees them at this point.

    I wonder if it is harder to try to have an amicable divorce from a narcissist?

    Melissa, I’m impressed that you are a divorce attorney. I wonder if you have any thoughts about dealing with special needs kids, military, narcissism and sexual addiction, all wrapped into one divorce case!

  6. Good morning Melissa,
    I stayed. I found out in October 2012. It was not and is not easy. I’m 36 and self employed as well. We have been together for 18 years and married for 11. We have 4 children and he has a son by someone else between my youngest daughter and our son. He has cheated on me with more than one person. Honestly, I don’t believe he’s being faithful now, however, that is not my focus. I believe that God can fix all things. That is what has given me a peace within. I can’t explain it. I cried and I prayed and I cried again and prayed again. My husband was a public official, so when I found out about his son it was on the news, Internet, and the web. We separated for a while after that, but with counseling got back together. I could go on, but I’m not. Listen, you have to make decisions based upon your situation. I will pray for your strength in The Lord. That’s what has gotten me through and what gets me through from day to day. If you ever want to talk, send me a message and I will send you my contact info. Take care of yourself and know, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

    1. MsD-
      I’m hoping you are still frequenting this site. I hear in your reply that you are a women of faith. I am as well. I’ve prayed and cried my way through an endless series of betrayals and am now seeking God’s direction regarding whether to divorce. I so so did not want it to come to this but now wonder if I hadn’t been listening to The Lord over the years when I determined to stay. I would always hope against hope that my husband’s change of heart and outward devotion was real but I’ve learned otherwise (more than once!) Did things work out with your spouse? Do you feel able to be real and known by friends? Is it awkward socializing as a couple with friends and family who know your story? I’ve become extremely isolated because of my situation, feeling embarrassed in front of those I’ve told and shallow/hidden with those I haven’t.

  7. Wow! This is mind boggling. I feel like I have a LONG road ahead of me. I have already been divorced 2 times. This (my husband’s internet porn use), came out clearly within weeks of my mom passing away. My daughter by my husband attempted suicide. I did not put two and two together. But I have come to realize my daughter’s issues stem from his addiction. I am a Christian; my husband is not. My daughter went briefly and now denies God. I am reading Your Sexually Addicted Husband, How Partners can Cope and Heal. He is my high school sweetheart. I am going to a Christian counselor tomorrow. I have not told him. I am going to set specific boundaries and let him choose if he wants to work through this or not. One of the boundaries the book talks about is full disclosure with a polygraph. He may be unwilling to do that so he will be making the decision to stay or leave
    Melissa,
    It does not sound like you are well on your way to recovery. Thank sharing your thoughts.
    L

  8. This my first time to thus site. I just found out that my husband is a liar and a sex addict! We have been married for 29 yrs but together for 31 yrs. He has a so called “friend” that he txt’d over 85 times in one day! We are going to start therapy on Monday but I can’t look at him or have him touch me. Yes I do love him but I know that is not going to be enough. How does one forgive somebody who lives a double life and lies every minute of the day.

    1. I’m so sorry Mary, I hope you can start loving yourself to wholeness again, and find a life for yourself without this abuse.

  9. I’m also a lawyer. Engaged to a sex addict. Caught him. He’s in denial. Caught him MSM sex with CD and T’s. He says he still wants to marry me. I have to say no out of self preservation hopefully I don’t have HIV. I do love him though, he is my world.

    1. Sarah, you most likely find that what you thought was “love” really wasn’t. You can only really love someone who is capable of loving you back. You are lucky you haven’t married him. Seek healing from this trauma, learn some life lessons, and look for a future mate who is honest and trustworthy. Expect that this grieving process will take you awhile to get through. Take your time. You will be okay.

  10. Hi!
    I left a comment here in August 2013 if anyone wants an update. I have been married to my sexually addicted husband for over 20 yrs. He has showed a minimal attempt at recovery. Even said, “I’m 59 years old and probably not going to change. Sarah, I fully agree with “author L”. My marriage to this man has been tumultuous at best. Do not marry someone who is a sex addict. I would not wish it on my greatest enemy. I am seeking legal separation to make it binding for a divorce. The marriage becomes nonexistent along with any kind of intimacy. I feel as if the years we were living together were a lie and there was no real live on his part.