Does any sex addict ever stop? Is it possible. Can they? Will they. Here is a story from one of our readers who wants to know if her sex addict husband can stop. ~ JoAnn
I don’t really know if I’m relieved or disappointed to have found this site. Relieved to know I’m not alone yet disappointed to see what a serious issue this actually is. I don’t live in a bubble by any means but I really had no idea that I was facing an addiction so widespread. I live in a fairly small southern coastal town and have mainly dated guys that treat me well and are very sweet, spoil me really, yet married (and have since divorced) two that were sweet and charming then turned out to be bipolar jerks. I have three awesome boys from my previous marriages.
I swore I’d never ever get married again and then I met him. Tall, charming as hell with a clever and sexy whit that no one could compare to. Opens the door for me always and beautiful blue eyes that make a girl melt. Not the most attractive face but he made up for that the second he spoke. He swept me off my unsweepable feet in a matter of weeks and the walls I’d spent so much time building up came down with him so very easily. It scared me how much I fell in love with him.
We were married one month short of a year later in an exotic setting. Our friends were envious of the story book love that they saw develop between us and I even heard one say, “I’m just waiting to find what the two of you have.”
I don’t know what made me look at his computer history one day, he gave me no reason to suspect anything but I just had a feeling I needed to look. It was completely riddled with porn sites and escort sites…an insane amount, I was beside myself.
When I asked him about it he said he was only looking and that it was nothing that he wasn’t jerking off to it or meeting anyone from them that it was just a way to unwind and asked, “are we going to be ok after this?”
He and I had no issues with our sex life what so ever, we’d watch porn together sometimes and it didn’t bother me, we explored each other’s sexuality and were very open and comfortable with each other in that way.
I began finding sexual texts to a female “friend” of his saying he wanted to be alone with her and hadn’t thought of her as much as he had as of late since he was 16. That bs was stopped but the escort sites didn’t stop, he only switched to a private browser and got better and hiding his tracks. I’m a pretty computer savvy and was able to track his private browsing. I found adultfriendfinder.com, friendfinderx.com, eccie, MeetMe, Eros, Ashley Maddison, backpage, frogs list personals and even busted him one morning picking up a hooker while I was home in bed. He said nothing happened and that she was gross and he just took her home. I believed him, he can be so very convincing.
While he was out of town on a work trip I found his profile on swinglifestyle.com…he’d posted pictures of me on there as if we were looking for a third. That was it. I was done and told him so. He berated me in texts, saying such horrible venomous things…as charming with words as he can be he’s equally evil with them when he wants to be. He switched gears and started telling me he’s so sorry and can’t believe the things he’s said and done to me and how he loves me, blah blah blah and tells me he has to stop in another town for a new tire because he’s having a problem with one. Turns out he stopped in that town for a hooker I later found out…one week ago I found this out…one week ago I found out he’s has sex five times since we’ve been married (at this time we’d been married less than a year). He says it will never happen again and all of the other bs he’s so good at pulling off.
I don’t know what to do. He wants to work it out and says he’s not a sex addict and can stop. I don’t know what to believe. I’m a freelance videographer but now I work with him at his business and he sold my camera because we were having money problems. My kids love him and he’s their father figure. I don’t want a third divorce and I don’t want to shake up the lives of my kids but I don’t know if he really can stop and I feel so absolutely betrayed because he’s so easily lied to me. He said after the escorts he would sit in the car yelling at himself for what he’d done.
I don’t know if he really will stop or only appear to or only for a short period. I’m so absolutely torn up about all of this. I really can’t believe I let my walls fall down for someone that turned out like this. I just want to know if anyone has actually had their husband stop and had things work out.
No. They don’t stop. In fact, usually they get worse. Don’t trust a word he says. Get yourself tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. Stop sleeping with him. Get yourself a lawyer immediately. And prepare for the divorce from hell. (I hope you had a prenup.)
Make sure you made copies of everything you found on the Internet, savvy gal. He is going to tell everyone you’re a liar. He’s gonna accuse you of every single awful thing that he himself does.
He will alternate between begging you for forgiveness and threatening you. He will attempt to destroying your reputation.
My best suggestion is to be willing to tell him you’re interested in reconciling in order to get him to agree to whatever you need for separation and divorce. If you honestly tell him it is over, he will lash out at you. He may well try to drag it out to punish you financially and emotionally for leaving him.
You need to be as good of a liar and fake in divorce as he has been in marriage.
I am a survivor… It took me over 3 years and $51,000 to divorce my narcissistic sexually addicted military attorney husband. I discovered his addiction shortly after our 24th wedding anniversary, and I truly thought he was an honest man. I loved him. The reality was he was a very very good liar.
I am happily divorced and in a long term, wonderful relationship with a truly nice, trustworthy man … And I have no plan to remarry. Marriage is too damn expensive, in more ways than one.
L. Thank you. Really. I needed to read that. And that is exactly how he acts in the confrontations.
Amazing. I’ve been married 25+ years & lived through this Hell. It doesn’t ever end. Abusive, sickinging BS. Asking me 3 times even tonight to go to a swinger Halloween party. Hell no. It’s just me or the highway. I will bust him and court bound.
Hi, I’m Angie
PLEASE< I NEED ADVICE!!!!!
I am an RN and my husband Is in an executive/administration position of a large company.
We recently got married. I married my husband knowing that he had a sexual addiction but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was indeed "in recovery" and as crazy as it sounds, in every other way, he was absolutely perfect for me……. I must not that his addiction was extreme, approximately 4,000 texts a month on his phone log to erotic chat prostitute lines, and a history of prostitute encounters. In fact, he is obsessed with prostitutes, not always encounters but images and consverstions with prostitutes. He has visited EVERY porn/adult dating sit and LOTS of interaction with Craigslist and Backpage.
Anyway, at first, he seemed very involved in his recovery. He was going to church and more than one support group. He started counseling and begged me to go with him. I went with him only twice I think. He lied to me and his therapist the entire time anyway. He never stopped looking at porn, masturbating to porn, and I don't know for sure about more prostitute encounters but I don't think he went that far this time. I'm sure he was still communicating on chat sites somewhere, somehow. What makes all this even more frustrating is that he outright lied over and over to me, his therapist, accounabillity partner, etc. He never once reached out to not even one of all his available contacts when he was triggered and never admitted it. I had to show him proof before he would finally stop denying it. After he knew he was caught, he would always get very angry, refuse to talk about it and ALWAYS used projection and deflection. The conversation NEVER was about his regret, or apologizing, never talking about why he did it, never talked about what plan he had in place to avoid doing it again, NEVER any type of positive, responsible conversation on his part EVER. Instead, he became the VICTIM and I was BLAMED for "destroying" our marriage. He would call me "controlling", "insecure" and blame me for "destroying him and NEVER appreciating anything he does for me, and I "Am impossible to please", and I "planned all this, I married him with the intention of destroying him" Can you guys reading this actually believe this???!!!!! He was only in "recovery" and attending meetings and meeting with a counselor for about 2 or 3 months then NOTHING at all ..besides, it didn't count anyway because he lied the entire time and never stopped his porn/masturbating addiction. HE constantly tells me I "keep living in the past and "crucifying" him" LOL!!!!! If he was caught the WEEK before, He says I "AM LIVING IN THE PAST" AND, he says it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN but tells me this on a weekly basis!!!!!!! PLEASE, I need advice….WHEN is ENOUGH, ENOUGH?????? HE and I both know this can lead once again to him visiting prostitutes……….OH, also, he is clearly NOT interested in sex with me and this has been talked about but he makes no effort to even TRY to seem interested in sex….I really need advice…….thanks
Angie, When is enough, enough? Only you can know that. How much are you willing to live with and why? ~ JoAnn
Angie, I am curious how your story turned out. I honestly always hope to hear of a story that is positive 5 years down the road, but they don’t seem to happen. My story took 20 years of my life. I thought he would care when he was finally going to lose his family, daughter, respect of friends and family, house, camper, boats. Yeah, the house pissed him off. Everything else became image management. I almost lost my sanity. 1 year out of the marriage because even during separation – while going to sa meetings and church groups and begging me to let him come home because we meant so much to him, he was with 5 different women, took 1 to Mexico, and moved one in with him!!!!!!! Lied, lied, lied and tried to hide it all. Told me I was in the wrong, God hates divorce. Used my Christian words against me. Guess what, God does hate divorce, me too, but He also hates lying, cheating creeps that are destroying others lives! Be strong, take care of what’s important, you and your children and family.
yes run run far away this is an epidemic and it effected my second marriage and I couldn’t talk about it with anyone at the time like my parents and child and everyone blamed me because I finally had an affair just so deeply wanting intimacy. That didn’t work out and my last partner was a sex addict. He got violent at the end and I found out he has been with some lady from the church his brother goes to. This is what is tearing families apart these days. I don’t own a cell phone cause it has been so painful to me. My son judged me harshly for the divorce but then his wife he found cheating on the cell phone on craigslist. Then he knew my heartbreak but he ended up going back with her. Sad really that love seems to be fading out of existence. I find out someone you thought you knew so well and cared for so deeply would be another person away from you is traumatizing. I am sorry for your pain. I hope you and everyone who has been though this gets healing.
If I am brutally honest, and why should I not be here in this VERY private place that Joann has provided, I can tell you that yes, I have been waiting — yes waiting — for my fiancee who I left in January 2014 to text me or call me to say “I really really fucked up with you and I’m so sorry. The things you did in return, how you retaliated, it sucked and it hurt but it’s totally understandable. I miss you so fucking much. I am working hard to stop this crazy sick compulsive behavior. I don’t want this to be me. I want to be the partner you needed me to be, the partner you were for me. Don’t give up on me. I’m going to stop. I AM going to stop.”
That text, that message, hasn’t come it has not appeared, and it is now almost 2017. We had been together almost 4 years. When he contracted HIV, I did not leave him. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He loved me — a lot. You can read my story here. I am “D”. The beautiful and sweet boy from the Midwest who I fell in love with became someone who posted pictures of their body parts on explicit websites with open calls for strange men to have “cybersex” with him whenever. Cybersex. The same kind of sex and he and I had to have when he was away traveling for work. And he COULD NOT STOP. He could not, would not, take down his pictures off the sex site. He did not stop. In fact, he only got more involved in it and upped the number of men he was meeting. I know. I spied. So no. My fiancee did not stop and we did not “work things out”. All I could do was leave and hope that he would “get his s*it together” (he txted me after discovery, “Im trying to get on top of my shit”). He clearly has not. I have heard that he has missed important meetings because he’s drunk. He’s not like us here on this site. He doesn’t know how to look at his shit and admit he needs help. He’s still twisting in the wind, acting out, ricocheting from this to that and avoiding any real introspection. I fear that one day I will find out he’s dead. But I still do not chase after him, I don’t text him, I dont call. I have way too much dignity for that. And I even went on a date the other night. I’m ready. To meet another person. You will be too. PROTECT YOURSELF. “D”
No they don’t stop, they get better at hiding it! I was in a marriage for 7 years with whom I thought was the love of my life, he portrayed the perfect husband figure yet he led a dark double life… with all the sites you mentioned plus a prostituition addiction. They will never stop! Run!
Im not sure if my husband is a sex addict or not but ive found the following things;
1. Video of him having sex with another woman
2. Porn material on phone & laptop
3. He took photos of me while i was sleeping (he pull down my pants)
4. He took videos of my female relatives while they were taking a shower
I am ashamed and i dnt know what to do. We dnt have a lot of professionals or counselor s in my country.
My finding have caused me to research more and found your blog.
Weve been together for 8 yrs and married for 5yrs.
Please help!
Sex addict or criminal pervert. Which would you prefer? Either way he is breaking the law and should be in jail. ~ JoAnn
I have been reading these blogs for weeks now and they’ve been helping me through my state of shock. I’ve never heard much or thought I’d be talking about sex addiction until now.
I am 26 years old and met my husband who is 34, six years ago. We fell madly in love about five years ago and he was living in California at the time, We are both from buffalo and had a mutual friend. He admitted to me that he was an alcoholic, and eventually that he also was a drug addict as well (crystal meth being his drug of choice and explained these were usually binges ). he always held a great job, he was in the Marine Corps for six years two tours in Iraq, he is the sweetest most caring loving man I’ve ever met. When he moved back to Buffalo he checked himself into rehab and got sober from alcohol. I loved him so much I wanted to see what would happen with our relationship even though I was nervous about this addiction. We had our son about 2 years later and we were just married six months ago. I literally thought I had the perfect husband and perfect life he was so good to me I never had any suspicions that he was doing anything behind my back. I’m also six months pregnant right now.
So about a month ago I’m not sure what made me did it but I decided to look in his phone at his Internet history and I initially seen a dating website where he had been posting photos and videos of himself and he had a whole profile. I was in shock and asked him to explain this to me and his initial response was “I do it for attention”. I made him show me the site and I was so disgusted that my husband had been posting videos and pictures of his private area and his face while showing his location. I was so embarrassed for myself and him and I had no idea what to think. I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me and he admitted later that he had texted people before from craigslist and had phone sex. He denied that he ever talked to anyone more than once, that he had ever posted an ad on craigslist, and that he ever had live sex with anybody on the Internet.
I believed him and I was in such a state of shock that I just tried to let the initial discovery sink in for the next few days until I checked his email and seen tons of conversations with multiple people for the whole four years that we’ve been together I was disgusted to find multiple pictures of him conversations with men and women him also discussing how he’s had sex with a man before I also broke into his email prior to when we were together and it had been going on for five years prior to me as well where he was meeting up with people from craigslist on a regular basis.
He was out of town three times in the past year for work each time he posted an ad on craigslist looking for sex from men or women and going as far is giving people his phone number and telling them what hotel he was staying at then the conversation would end. One of them even went as far as saying come to the third-floor I’ll leave my door open.
When I confronted him with all of this he again denied that he ever met with anybody in this this is all just for attention. He admitted that he had met with people while he was still in California and he had some story about how he had been raped which I think is bullshit because that story changed three times.
I also discovered that he was using Skype to have a live sex with multiple females one of which he was emailing back-and-forth for four years and Skyping with her on a regular basis. In their conversations it said that they never met but I do believe when he was out of town he was meeting with people.
I can’t believe a word that he says I’m not sure what is true what happened and what didn’t happen. What I do know for sure that this is a 10 year pattern and even when he got sober from alcohol, he was still doing all this. (which I also found out he drink at least twice since we’ve been together in the past year, he admitted one time to me).
If you knew this man you would be shocked as well but from reading all of the stories on this site I am learning that these people are very good at covering up their lies. He is a great father and has very good qualities but this is something I don’t think I can bear.
I am currently working on a separation and moving out. He has also not shown much remorse, he’s going to counseling and says he’s been to one sex addict meeting. He doesn’t want to talk much about what I found and when I ask him specific questions he says he doesn’t understand why he does it but he still swears he never physically met with anybody which I truly believe his bullshit.
I know I’m probably being nice by saying this but I don’t think he wants to hurt me anymore so he will never admit that if he did, he figures I’m hurt enough by everything else. This is not the man I thought I married and I don’t believe It’ll ever be the same between us. He’s lied to me for the past five years and this is been a ten-year habiit I’m not sure if these people change but I don’t think I can wait around and jeopardize my happiness. He needs to start to work on his recovery if he wants to be a good father and I need to start to work on my own recovery as well.
I’m having some feelings of guilt that I don’t think this could be worked out but I’m also very young and I want to live a happy life away from addiction and something like this I can’t accept. I would appreciate any feedback and I hope I’m doing the right thing.
Thank you for listening
Another thing is he also sent a video of me and him (stupid on my part I know) to one of these women on these sites. He was on multiple sites as well. When I asked him about that he denies it until I told him I had the proof. I was mortified. For him to expose me his wife the mother of his children. I’m not even sure if he’s a “sex addict” I figure someone to do all this definitely has underlying issues which he does , and with his history of addiction I guess it makes sense.
Hey guys, Angie again,
I forgot to mention in my post in October about the severity of his past was with his addiction. He did mention to me that he would visit prostitures often on his way home work when he was married. Quick bj in his truck sort of thing. He was married for 14 yrs and I think it went on pretty much that entire time and when I met him he had never had a period of inactivity at all . I want to so badly believe he is capable of recovery but I just don’t trust him.
Hi Sisters,
Here is my story in a nutshell.
Married 25 yrs. I am 48.
the first ” episode ” of my husband addiction that I found out about was approx. 22 years ago.
It was phone sex. One day I discovered oodles and oodles of phone bills that he hid in his truck.
It was yrs phone sex. I later discovered more of them through out the house and at our work place place.
Our phone was even shut off ( didn’t think too much of it because at the time I didn’t know of his habit)
When asked he did admit to it . Of course, the evidence was there. When asked how long it was going on he lied about that. Just gave me a $ amount and time basically to shut me up.
Later found out it was way more than admitted.
He did go to counseling for a few sessions.
Then it got swept under the rug. Although you all know how devastating that is. Sometimes I would bring it up which would really annoy him.
Btw when I discovered the phone bills in the truck I also found a S&M out fit for a woman.
Years went by…. but you all know it’s hard to trust again.
I would later periodically check his laptop.
Here is the second episode.
Women have intuition.
One day I discovered in the cookies of the laptop a whole bunch of escort sites.
When confronted he said he was just looking.
Again swept under the rug.
What really hurts me I realized that on the evening I lost a child he was on the escort site.
At that time he didn’t have internet at the house just at work and he’d always I will be home soon. You go ahead and go. Nice as can be.
In hindsight looking up porn.
In the last 15 years our sex life has been maybe 5 x a year.
I would beg him for intimacy and brought it up to him several.
Saying how How alone I feel even though I married.
I recently mentioned about his lack intimacy .
The usual excuses no time, could be his bp medication, tired when he comes home, it hasn’t been that long since we had sex.
After always being rejected and him never initiating you just give up.
Women have intuition.
So a week later I felt I needed to check his phone. He had deleted everything. But I was able to find like third party sites in the advanced settings of his cell phone.
I confronted him he told be how very sorry he is, if he could change the past he would.
He didn’t deny. He said he had a problem and doesn’t know why he does it. He was even hysterically crying.
This is the only time he really seemed sorry and showed real remorse.
That he would get help .he had been to three meetings of a 12 step program.
He understands completely if I hate him, divorce him. Though he doesn’t want divorce.
He loves me more than anything. . He understands all the feelings I have that goes with this.
Anger, deceived, lies, cheated of a marriage, cheated of years, sneakiness, …
He always has been affectionate( not in the bedroom) compliments, tell me I’m beautiful.
On this last episode I asked how long he has been looking up these sites.
Answer was just this summer.
Then I looked up his old cell phone and found out for a few years again.
Which he did not deny.
He said he can go years without looking .
So he probably never stopped since his phone sex days.
I asked him which sites he visited he did Admit to backpage, Eros and Craigslist ads.
Which are all hook up sites.
He swears up and down that he never physically cheated on me.
Which maybe I can believe because he is always at work.
I am so confused. The hurt is so deep this time knowing the longevity of it.
Throw away 28 years of marriage.
His meeting told him he probably never wanted to have sex whth me cause he can’t look me in the eyes out of guilt.
And he’d say throughout the years he has nothing to hide.
Of course when you delete all history on your phone.
I even bought a software recovery system to spy on his phone which btw didn’t work.
One site from Eros I was able to find was on shemales and tranvestites which totally blew my mind.
He probably would have been disgusted or make fun of something like that.
One moment I’m fine and hopeful.the next I really hate him and want a divorce.
But then I don’t want to find something in five or ten years. Thinking once again that everything is fine.
Oh , he did tell me if he were to do it again he would tell me. Do I believe that’?
Thanks for reading!
Please give me your thoughts
I’m also dealing with a man who uses private internet browsers to hide his porn addiction which has torn our life apart. I am VERY interested in how you tracked this browsing. I’ve looked at all possible options, but aside from the /config tool, haven’t gotten anywhere. Config also times out previous websites so if you’re looking for anything a week or more ago, you’re out of luck. There must be a resource somewhere with these details for us POSA’s….
I just went thru the breakup from hell with my SA husband. I did the whole routine all of you did…the texts, the emails, the websites…the lies.
Today, I was explaining to my lawyer that a friend of mine who is storing some property of his for me wants no contact from him.
The reason why? Because in one week, he up and took off with another woman for 2 days until she kicked him out. Then he hooked up with a gay male friend. Then he called my friend and wanted to hook up with her. Then he came home and was ASTOUNDED I didn’t want him back.
I stayed for 10 years for the sake of my kids but did the best I could to protect them.
If you can leave go. But in going, they will try to destroy you.
It’s been five years since the big “D” and multiple therapist. I still feel like my life has been ripped apart. I’ve stopped going to therapy because I don’t want to sit and speak on it anymore.This platform is another way for me to release this mountain of pain inside of me that never seems to stop.
My story is I’ve been married to my husband for almost 32 year. We have two grown wonderful sons. In fact, my sons are the ones who got me to open my eyes that my husband, their father is a sex addict. He’s done it all, webcam, porn, strip clubs, multiple hookup sites. He would travel for business and have prostitutes meet him at his (corporate hotel). He had his regulars in multiple states(which were very young girls from Sugardaddy sites. He’s taken women (prostitutes who claim to be college students) on vacations…
I discovered when he was home and working he would hookup with regulars on his lunch hour. I’ve put him out for what was suppose to be a year. During that time he leased a condo & turned it into a sex pad. He returned home 4 most. Shy of it being a full year. All that time away he had me believing he was abstinent…and working on his sobriety.
Anyway, I could go on but it’s way to overwhelming. I too had discovered all this by becoming a secret agent & following the money trail. He has never, ever, ever once been transparent about about any of it! Yes, we did a joke of a so called disclosure…that even my therapist apologized and said it was awful.
He now claims its been a year and he is no longer breaking any of the top boundaries & is in recovery…(his lacknof humility & feeling like the victim). Well, what in the heck does that mean.
So, I sit here today in my room (yes, he’s still here in a separate bedroom) wondering and feeling major PTSD – is this all a f##king nightmare or cruel joke!
I would love some input…I am aware that this is not a nightmare or joke and its my current life situation but investing more of my life on this planet being married to this man.
Is there any other way or am I right in thinking its now time for me to leave.
Sorry for the long post but I had to get it out,
Marian
Not only a sex addict, but quite likely a somatic narcissist, given the ability to be loving one minute then evil the next. Beware if so, narcissists can never change even with therapy. Research somatic narcissism (different from cerebral narcissism), then be prepated to run and never look back
Hello
My story is a little complicated in that when a couple of years ago I discovered my husband of 17 years had been looking for prostitutes on line he promised me he had only been looking and had never actually done anything and I believed him. Shortly after this he got very sick and almost died, he was very ill for almost a year so any marriage problems we had to be put aside. When he started talking about coming home I knew we had some work to do on our marriage so a few weeks after getting out of hospital we went to marriage counselling where he admitted having a porn addiction. A couple of days later he admitted to meeting up with two different women a few years ago. I genuinely feel that he is lying and that there is a lot more he hasn’t told me.
I asked him to leave our home and after getting very angry with me he did. My problem now is he is backtracking and saying he doesn’t think it’s an addiction and he didn’t do that much (totally minimising)was because he was not happy that I was mean to him and controlling. I can see here is shifting the blame and is taking very little responsibility for his actions. Due to the illness he suffered I have sympathy for him but I feel worse for myself that he can’t man up an just stop blaming me.
He’s just a selfish man who as we say here in Ireland wants his cake and eat it too.
Hes been out of the house for two weeks and like another post I keep expecting him to offer a sincere apologie but I feel now it’s probably wishful thinking. I would like to forgive him and I’m sure I will some day but I don’t think I will be able to give him another chance to hurt me. I’m 46 and with him for 21 years in total and now I have to start over which has me gripped with fear but going back doesn’t seem like an option.
Jane
Hi again guys, this is Angie…I have posted several comments and have more…
My husband started with his addictions way before I met him him. In fact, he told me since he was a child, his “problem” started with looking at magazines with friends ( most little boys have done this ) and don’t turn into SEX ADDICTS. Anyway, as an adult it of course progressed to porn, then calling prostitutes, then hooking up with them…I have so much more to tell and I am so grateful for this site!!!! Almost every thing shared is exactly just like my situation, it sounds as though you all know my husband! Our relationship included encounters with hookers 2 weeks after our engagement and even the month before our wedding. I had him take a polygraph and he passed as far as the questions I asked didn’t include the above as I already knew about the above but, they included every thing else. Suprisingly he passed but I have mistrust issues and always will, I caught him still looking at porn even though he sees a CSTAT, attends a men’s group for sexual addiction, and has a sponsor and is working the steps of recovery. I am still of course expecting a progression to finally end up as he was before. Anyway, the sharing of your stories as so helpful and I can relate to all of them.
I was interviewed on a nationally recognized radio show interview. This professional in the field is co authoring my memoir of experiences. This interview is now one of her Podcasts,
I AM DETERMINED TO FIND SOME POSITIVITY OUT OF ALL THIS PAIN AND HELP OTHER WOMEN WITH THIS SAME ADVICE
THAT WE DISCUSS HERE. I WANT TO SHARE THE INSIGHT THAT WE ALL LEARNED THE HARD WAY.
JoAnn, I would love to share (anonymously) some of the parts of our blog, a snippet of some of the posts and of course I will recognize this site…Is that OK with you and our friends who have shared insightful sharing and information? Please let me know…it would be so very helpful to me as well as providing great insight for many women out there who could certainly benefit from us and our stories…
Hi guys,
This is Angie again, I have posted on this site twice before, August and October and December of 2016. Update; those of you that said “no, they don’t stop, they just get better at hiding it” and “run now!” and the comments re: how they are ALWAYS the victim and we are to blame……well, ALL of these comments are totally, completely true!!!! My husband did indeed, NEVER stop. Only after I threatened to expose him at work did he finally admit some of his actions to me. I say “some” because, of course, he is a total narcissist and has no real remorse. From what I’ve read, they all have these personality traits. In addition, one thing that makes me sooooo angry is the fact that he would not even now be “doing everything he is supposed to do to be in recovery” had I not threatened him!!! If I had not, he most certainly would not have ever come forward and admitted anything at all and not be “in recovery.” His attempts to show me that he wants to stop by starting “steps to recovery” AGAIN are superficial and not genuine, just like last time. They only make these fake attempts to show you they will stop only to save their own skin. The weak statements he has made about not wanting me to leave and he is sorry, are in texts only, and again, totally self-centered; he is only “sorry” because of his own personal inconvenience of having to go to meetings, etc. The last time this happened, I KNEW he was lying to me and his counselor in front of both of us; he had everyone fooled except me. Anyway, he has admitted to me that on 2 occasions since the last time this all came crashing down, he has brought 2 different prostitutes to OUR house and had sex with them in OUR bed. He has left work on his lunch hour and brought them to our house while I was at work. He only admits just the minimum, only what he thinks I can prove, and that is it. Again, had I not approached him with proof of evidence and threaten to expose him, he would ABSOLUTELY NOT be doing anything at all toward recovery, he would certainly still be engaging in all this activity, and having UNPROTECTED sex with prostitutes. Yes, he did that, and just not got tested, all tests were negative. This man lied to me about ever having unprotected sex with hookers and did not told me I did not have to use protection, then, continued this behavior. I have not slept in that room or touched him in over a month. I have not left yet only because I simply do not have the financial means yet, saving up money so that I can get out of here ASAP. The fact that I have to live on one side of this “whorehouse” infuriates me beyond what words can describe. I have seen a lawyer as well. Words cannot explain my anger, his self-righteous attitude makes it a million times worse. And, of course, “why am I willing to destroy our future?” and “I should have faith in his recovery.”
LOL!!!!!! These men are the definition of narcissism. BTW, I do not know if it is appropriate to mention this, but I will be a guest on a national radio talk show May 29th. The therapist that will interview me is well known as a sex addiction therapist and I have been listening to her pod casts.
Please let me know if appropriate to mention the name of her show so all other victims such as myself can listen in as I have gained tons of insight in this matter and really want to help other women with the knowledge I have “learned the hard way.”
I am grateful for this site, ALL COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED!!!!!!
thanks, Angie
Hi Angie,
Thank you so much for your update, I admire your courage and insight and I thank you for sharing it with other women here.
Yes, please post the sex addiction therapist and the program that you will be on. ~ JoAnn
Hello– I have just found this site and have been reading the articles and comments throughout. My husband is a sex addict as well as a gambling addict. With these two addictions combined, he has taken literally everything from me and our two girls.
The general agreement on this site def seems to lean towards leave leave leave, they only become better liars, they’re narcissists, RUN!
However, this has not been my experience with my spouse thus far. As soon as he was caught, he packed up and went to a 30 day rehab program and has come back remorseful, crying and shamed by his actions. I still constantly struggle with the fear of “can he overcome this, can he actually be clean of this behavior”
but is there some sort of core difference between him and all the other horrible men you ladies have had to deal with? Why is my husband showing (what appears to me to be) genuine remorse, while your assholes are not??
Most of these men show what appears to be extreme remorse and guilt and I think some of it is genuine, they just can’t hold it for very long. There are so many stories, mine included, where they swear they are recovered only to get better at hiding it.
How long has it been since he went to the rehab program? Many can hold out, white knuckle it or continue their secret life while pretending to be recovered for quite a while, in many cases years. Then, when we have another devastating discovery we realize we that all we have done is wasted even more of our precious life with a lie.
I truly hope your husband is different but with thousands of stories to the contrary I have to doubt it.
Anna i just pray you are saying the same thing a year from now. Jo Anne well said you really do “get it” XX
Hi Jo, I commented years ago and just thought to check you out again. I was told many years ago there is no recovery with this one and it was proved true in my case. If you take a peek at so called recovery sites ie reddit these (i have no words !) addicts just can’t seem to stop even when claiming they are desperate to.
Jo i love your responses . Ladies don’t waste your precious lives with this sickness it won’t stop but if they want you to stay probably as a cover for their perverted lives they will just get better at hiding it.
Hugs and much love to you all XXX
This is so new to me as I have only just found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is a chronic sex addict. I have been in pieces for the last 3 months trying to hold our relationship together, forgiving, supporting and believing when he said he loved me, it would never happen again and he had learnt his lesson. 3 months on and I find out that he has been offering sexual services to women and couples for money all along. I didn’t think I could possibly hurt anymore but the pain is relentless. I’m the one that can’t sleep at night, i worry constantly am currently off work sick with stress and the crazy thing is he is angry with me? How can that be? All I’ve done is love unconditionally.
I’m at a loss because how do you share this with anyone? I’m trying to cope with this alone and I’m failing miserably. I don’t k ow whether to stay or go and I find myself lying to friends and family just to protect him. I’ve thrown phones away, made him delete email accounts but I know I can’t control this and it will keep happening. How do you support someone you love so much when you can’t believe a word they say. I keep catching him out but getting tired of even checking now. Someone please help…I’m desperate. Thank you for reading
Sophie my heart goes out to you. Please think about yourself and do what’s best for you. I can only say with years of experience its very rare for them to stop. This can suck the life out of you and you WILL NOT be able to control him.
Please find Al anon you won’t be able to talk about the sex addiction but addiction is the same what ever one it is except this one has no hope and there you will learn to detach and take care of yourself. I don’t wish to sound harsh but i would say get out as soon as you can you are worth more.
Sophie i’m just thinking there is not a lot of activity here and i’m going on holiday for 10 days tomorrow and may not have internet access. I will check here when i get back. I know how painful this is . X
Sophie, if you can’t believe a word they say then THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. THEY CANT. THEIR DIP INTO SECRETIVE COMPULSION HAS MADE IT THAT WAY. GET THE HELL OUT OF IT, LEAVE. IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING TO DO — like surgery without anesthesia — but do it. Get out. Go one day at a time but save yourself, it’s what I had to do. I left four years ago — I still think about him every goddamned day but I know in my gut that it’s still better than living in lies, toxicity, shame, guilt, anger, fear — this is not why anyone gets into a relationship!! We get into relationships for peace, love, fun, good sex, caring, a happy home etc. GET OUT
Sophie i’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation but you do have choices. Choose what is the right thing for you. You must have learned from reading this site there is little hope for them. How much of your life are you prepared to waste in pain and turmoil ? You are worth so much more. Choose peace and happiness which is something you will never get with him