I just had to do an updated rant about sex addiction. I originally wrote this post in August of 2013. Reading through it I was surprised that much of what I believed back then about sex addiction still holds true today in 2019.
Back Then I Asked These Questions.
With all the pseudo research that the Sex Addiction gurus have done; and all the hundreds of millions of dollars they are making off of sex addiction, a fake term for a fake diagnosis; why can’t these so called experts put their heads together and figure out this sex addiction thing?
Why aren’t we, the partners, told what it’s really like to live with a sex addict instead of dangling all those outrageous and erroneous success statistics in front of us while encouraging us to stay for ‘at least a year’ and give it our best?
Why aren’t we told about Personality Disorders and why aren’t we told about the Dry Drunk Syndrome so we can decide whether the positives outweigh the negatives and recognize when we are being deceived?
Partners Have These Questions.
Why are we made to feel guilty for even thinking of leaving a Mr. Wonderful sex addict after he has been so courageous as to admit to his addiction? Why do the 12 steps praise the SA who opens up for 60 seconds in a share with a tiny piece of their side of the story, allowing them to go home all pumped and feeling as if they were just the greatest show on earth because they are just oh so honest, but fail to give the sex addict any direction or tools for fixing the issue they just confessed?
Why are we, the partners, told, and most importantly, why do we accept, that there will be ‘slips’? Why are we told to be patient, to give it time—often at least a year, and counseled to praise their little ‘successes’ while we die a thousand deaths each and every day with no support or comfort?
Why are we, the partners, told that we must contain our anger, our resentment and our emotions because it will cause the sex addict to feel shame and may cause (our fault of course) him to act out.
Why have I had to spend an entire decade learning to find the right words to describe what is happening in my life with a sex addict? Why did I spend tens of thousands of dollars for counseling and still not have any answers?
And Finally, These Important Questions
Why do I have to research obscure topics and follow thousands of blind leads just to catch a glimmer of real information on sex addiction? Why are ‘they’, the so called sex addiction experts, keeping all these secrets about these guys? Where is the truth? Where is the help? Where are the cold, hard, real facts about what makes these guys tick that will allow us to make a decent, educated, informed decision about our future? Why, instead, are we fed this Pablum of syrupy crap that keeps us entangled, stuck and hanging on?
Well, here it is, 2019 and all of those questions that I asked about sex addiction are still valid and are still asked by the tens of thousands of women who come to my sites looking for answers. Answers that I do not have.
Where’s The Evidence?
The sex addiction community still claims that sex addiction is a real addiction that can be successfully treated with 12 step meetings, admitting that the sex addict is powerless over their behaviors and that love, support and complete trust from the partner, even in the face of continuing deceit and lies, will miraculously repair their relationship and make it ‘better than ever’.
No real empirical evidence showing solid proof or facts has ever been presented to validate the claims of the high effectiveness of these programs. Only anecdotal reports are quoted from sex addicts, who have shown themselves to be untruthful.
A Sham and a Scam
I will continue to call ‘foul’ until the sex addiction community, a community that continues to extract huge amounts of profits from programs that are nothing more than smoke and mirrors with a bit of snake oil thrown in, shows some real proof that what they are doing is not a sham and a scam.
Scholarly Articles on Sex Addiction
Here is a link to open scholarly articles on Compulsive Sexual Behavior. Yes, that’s the real term that is now used to describe what we call sex addiction. I’m not sure how I feel about it as it seems to have implications for treatment.
If you follow some of the citations you may find even more information. Sorry, some of the articles are only open to scientific subscription holders. I’ll see if it I am allowed to quote some of those scientific research papers.
A Few Articles I Have Written
That’s my ‘updated’ rant for the day. ~ JoAnn