Hello my name is Rosie. I was married to a sex addict. I thought I would share my story.
I met Andre in 2003. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when we met. I was independent and happy doing my own thing. Fate had another plan for me. I remember the evening so well, the cab driver took me and my friend to a bar. We were looking for a cool place to sit and chat while listening to live music. We were in a new city, unsure of where to go. So our driver asked, “you want to find a husband?” I shrugged it off and said “no.”
But that is what I met. He wasn’t the typical man I would even notice while out. He was cute in his own way, but not my type. Too make a long story short, he won me over simply by his persistence and his humor. I had never had a one night stand, but I did sleep with him the second night. It was odd for me, but it felt right… and to be honest the sex was good. He enjoyed pleasing me.
We dated for over a year before he proposed. I was scared to death of marriage. Eventually, after waiting 3 years we married. We did the whole destination wedding in Mexico. It was beautiful. Everyone had fun. It was beautiful.
I had spent a lot of time away from my husband prior to being married. Andre was always in between jobs, so in order to carry us both and pay all the bills I worked away. This caused some friction between us, he always wanted me home but could never help me out with all the finances. Eventually after we got married, we had a new plan that involved Andre returning to school, so that he could get some more consistent work and I could be around more.
After we got married, we moved to British Columbia. He was accepted in school and off we went. I was still working on contracts, but agreed to be with him as much as i could. Usually I was away a month and home for 2 weeks. We got Andre settled in school and to help with finances, he took a part time job as an RA. He could then stay in the campus free, which meant less money for me to pay. Two months into his school life, I got a new job with a company. It was still a traveling job, but I would be home for two weeks and off working for another two. I was happy, as it meant more time home with Andre. However, he wasn’t happy by the news.
Things went on, after his year of schooling…we then moved back to Ontario. i was still working my traveling job and making good money. Our relationship was different and had been, but I just let it slide as “issues of moving.” Things got worse, Andre ended up getting his first job post school and was spending all his money on himself. I was livid. I just spent the past year, working and paying for his schooling and then he starts getting a paycheck…and he doesn’t even consider me? We fought all the time. Finally in October 2009, he left. After saying every terrible mean thing he could, he left me.
I was shattered. Confused and angry, I didn’t know how he could up and leave after everything. I thought for sure he’d come back…work it out with me. But he didn’t. It took me months to find out the truth. But I was determined. It was like this determination I had never felt before. I was sick thinking about him. I had anxiety like never before. My heart broke and it yearned to know why this was happening?
The truth came out, I found letters and underwear by his “girlfriend.” I was sick, I literally threw up when i read her words about all their love and all the sexual explicit things she and him would do. My heart raced and i could feel it falling apart with every word. I gasped…my entire world just blew up.
Over the next many months, Andre finally confessed to multiple affairs he had while in school. All with younger woman and ones that knew me/met me and were fine with participating in this adultery. I was sick, sick that people could do this to me…to my marriage. I can’t even describe the disappointment, the hurt and the shame i felt. I felt like a fool. The last to know about this…over time, people admitted to knowing about this and never telling me.
I tried to work passed it. I tried to establish healthy boundaries with him. Telling him what i needed…that the truth had to exist. He made promises and broke them every time. He continued having relationships with these woman over the internet…lying to them, telling them horrible things about me. He was never good at hiding things…or fate would always have it that I would find out. Every time…I always found out.
Over time, i just gave up. I knew he would continue to lie. I knew he was unable to be honest with me or to stop these relationships with the younger woman. It was killing me…all the wondering. Every time I saw him on his phone, texting-i knew. My body would tell me, my heart would tighten and my stomach would ache.
After a year of lies and to this day…his inability to be honest and faithful. I finally filed for divorce. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep giving love to this man that was destroying my heart over and over. These other woman didn’t care about me, he didn’t care about our marriage. So I walked out.
I have kept in contact with him to this day. It has been hard to break the tie completely. I still love him. He has admitted recently he can’t stop. Only after me finding out about other woman. I don’t know what I feel anymore, nothing surprises me anymore with him. If I hear that he has been with someone, I just smile. He still tells me he loves me…but I think at this point, I don’t know if I believe him. I think he tells all the woman in his life, that he loves them.
This is my story. I loved and I lost. To this day, I still love that man…but I remember all the hurt and all the lies and deceit and it makes me move forward. I can’t live a life like that anymore…wondering. I think back to our lives together, and I think his behavior may have existed prior to our marriage. It would not surprise me if he was unfaithful while we were dating also. He says not, however admits to online chat rooms. I just don’t know anymore.
HI Rosie,
Welcome and thanks for telling us what it’s been like for you.
I understand how hard it is to “dis-engage” from someone you have loved. When they are “normal” we still enjoy them. But then—that never really lasts, does it?
It doesn’t sound like he has any sense that he is an SA, and no real sense that he doesn’t like his life as it is now. Not much you can do with that!
Did you have support throughout the divorce? And do you have support now? What if you met someone else, would it be easier to break off the connection to Andre? Sometimes we are just afraid to be “adrift” so we keep a connection. But in the long run, it just hurts more and for longer. YOu have divorced this man but still spend energy trying to figure out in what way he betrayed you. Honey, you need to let this guy go.
Please find a good therapist and talk about why you still want to know this awful stuff. There is a whole life to live, and it’s your life. You deserve to have one without this big black cloud following you around. Start living.
We all loved and lost. But I don’t think you’ve quite lost the one thing you need to lose most—him.
I hope you can come to believe in the power of your own life to heal itself and start enjoying yourself again. You have love to offer. And there is love to receive. Stop going to the one place that has nothing to give you at all.
You are worth so much more than you could ever imagine. Go get your life!
xo
D.
You said it, Diane!
Thank you for sharing, Rosie–your very painful story; it is a very familiar story for many of us. It seems that you got your pant leg caught up in the bike chain of a classic “Cluster B personality Disorder Dude.” anti-social/narcissistic/histrionic— sociopath. the worst.
Its hopeless and what’s even worse—they blindside women with their own brand of mind fuck—that’s my term for a sociopath’s “crazy logic” which includes everything from lack of remorse, empathy, lying, blaming, histrionics, more blaming, and lying—whatever it takes, no matter how bizarre or absurd in its reasoning, just so long as he keeps smelling like a “rose.” (in his own sick mind)
Yes, these guys can and do act delightful, charming, engaging, and even appear to be loving, for a time, when they want to, but they cannot sustain it.
Not with you and not with ANYONE.
I’m so so sorry that he did this to you. Its good you got out. As for severing the tie, completely… Diane is right, but I’m the last one to talk about that. I know… you want to get “back” what you thought you had, but it was all a ruse, I’m afraid. He will tell a woman whatever it is that he thinks they want to hear, as long as it suits him. You tried to put a leash on that puppy, and he didn’t like that–so you were ousted.
That’s what they do.
This idea has helped me. Think of your ex as a freight train. He’s just doing what freight trains do–at 60 miles an hour! He can’t help himself. He’s a freight train. If you were on the tracks and a freight train was coming towards you, what would you do? Stand there and let it hit you?
No, of course, you wouldn’t.
Stay off the tracks! Stay out of harms way.
He’s a freight train.
I know… he’s a cute freight train, but he’s still capable of decimating you.
It does take a long time to heal, but you will.
warm wishes,
Lorraine
Rosie,
The pattern is really easy to see in your story. The highs the low the merry go round of emotions. But I think you have to listen to your gut. Many of the SA’s are charming, handsome, cute that’s how they pull it off. I also have to agree with the Drunk Drunk statement, he is not a dry drunk if he is still engaging in his activities. It’s also tough to see through some of the strong emotions because the relationship is still so new and off again on again. What is love, we all loved or love our husbands, but what is the cut off. Abusive relationships i think would be a good start. What does it mean if you love some one and they treat you like crap…so what. Love will not conquer all, you can not fix him or change him. I saw that in your story as well. You will not be the one women that can change him, and to me the story appears as though he played the sympathy pity two weeks into your relationship, and it worked hook line and sinker. Mine does it to me now, now that I can see it for what it is. It’s hard to spot, because a nice kind person wants to help.
Good Luck to you Rosie. Its a tough road.
To all the wise women on this site and Joann (also wise, don’t want to exclude you),
Looking for some advice, but don’t want to take away from Rosies story but I think people will see it here.
For a long time (since feb this year) I have known my husband is a sex addict. I caught his porn use, found it was excessive, and that he had a problem. I had asked him if he had slept with anyone else, hookers, strippers or had online affairs etc. He said No that he had not.
Over the weekend my memory was jarred. About two years ago my daughter had got into my SA’s old wallet. In that wallet was a business card size peice of paper with a naked stripper/hooker photo with her contact info and email address. When I brought this up to him he said that a counselar at a choir camp (college age) was passing them out as a joke. But why would he have kept it. The name of the person was ligit I looked up the raunchy website. She was real. The only reason I fed into the choir story was because the email address ended in choirfest.org. Now in hindsight sounds like a “story” or lies as we call them. Is this similar to the men who have posted on ads looking for sex just to see if anyone would respond and to not have sex. Did I fall for a complete fabrication? Probably looking back.
A friend pointed out that finding porn is typically not all there is. If that is it… you are very lucky and not the norm.
This points to my question. Can an addict recover if he does not tell the whole story or truth?? I have gone to his therapist and the therapist said that he has not cheated on me or had affairs outside of the relationship. The thing is if the SA does not tell, he will not know either. Just as the SA would not tell me as well. So not telling the whole story, keeping half of it back, can an addict recover? Its just an interesting thought I had and wondered if any one had the answer. I would think part of the recovery is coming clean. Hence is this maybe part of why I see no change in him, he is still hiding half a story?
Any advice you have is great. Thank You all!
Dear Rosie,
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your pain. I think it doesn’t matter if you know the whole truth about the past…you know enough. You are so smart to have moved on and I hope you can move all of the way on. He sounds toxic.
Also, you’ve had a long history with him but its better you’ve found out now so you have a chance at a healthy relationship with someone else or if you ever want a family.
Flora- I say follow your gut. whether he shared with the therapist or not your instinct is probably the best gauge. They are master manipulators as I am slowly learning. Also the thereapist may not have been able to share if he didn’t sign a release.
It’s easy to support all of you and see the light more clearly when you are not in it. I feel a bit hypocritical because I am still with my crazy husband. We have quite a few children and he is so resolved to get his control back. I say to myself, “well, one episode in the last 10 years…okay maybe he can”. But am I fooling myself? It is so hard to see if you are being manipulated but my gut has always been right.
So like Flora said follow your gut….our instincts are so much more powerful than we credit them for. I am really trying to listen to mine and to teach my children to follow their instincts (or gut) too. In hindsight, it has never been wrong, i just haven’t always listened 🙂
(and Lorraine you make me laugh sometimes! 🙂
P.S. My other thought while driving into work is that how everyone (both therapists) can assume the SA is telling the truth. I think that is a dangerous situation. Now I could see it differently if the SA was the one to come clean, tell on himself, because he wants to get out of this madness that he lives in and wants to get better.
THe flip side is the ones who were discovered, go to meetings and therapy, because if they don’t they will be out of the hosue ( Its a boundary of mine anyway.) So what if they sit there and lie like a rug, don;t want help, don;t want to get better. But get brownie points because they are going and why would they lie (my therapists view point) and if his therapist says he did not then have affairs that I should beleive him. This is dangerous.
Like you said Annie go with your gut. I have often thought that I don;t have the whole story, have asked questions several times. Did you have an affiar, sleep with anyone else, online affairs, cybersex etc. He says no. My gut says I don;t have the whole story, and I never will.
Oh, man oh man, its hard to believe that some of these therapists actually have a degree?
BTW, did you ever notice that therapist is really “the rapist”? Sorry, I didn’t make that one up. so funny.. 😀
For newbies on here- my husband isn’t a sex addict, (I don’t think, but you never know and I don’t really care anymore) but I had an affair with a SA who lives with a beautiful actress that I did not know about at first. (my husband was aware that I was dating–looooooooooong story).
And lovelies—boy oh boy, did I manage to hook myself up with a real life, (but muuuuuch cuter) Moby Dick/freight train. The real deal with co-morbid cluster B (aka, sociopathical) deviancy, as mentioned before. Too bad they don’t have it tattooed onto their foreheads!
Look, they LIE. And what is even worse, they often don’t actually REALIZE that they are lying. Or maybe its better, in some ways, because most of it as I said before is not done, (from their standpoint) “harm” you, but to “protect” you–from THEM. They also lie because they don’t want you to leave them and they don’t want to see you sobbing your heart out or throwing dishes at them. One of the reasons that they became sex addicts is because deep down (or maybe not so deep down) they actually HATE themselves. Most don’t have this awareness, and so the narcissistic elements come to the fore-front. You know, the “nice”, “kind”, “good guy” image that they wish the world to see. But its not who they really are.
Who they really are is someone that no woman in their right mind would ever want to even date, much less marry. On some level, they realize this and henceforth, what you get is what you get.
It is almost impossible for a “therapist” to treat one of these dudes, because their ego is so inherently damaged that it is impossible for them to come up with a therapeutic treatment that will heal the issues that have created the SA. How do you explain color to someone who was born with blindness? Still, a skilled therapist understands cluster B personality disorders and should be able to see through the crap. Whether she/he can get through or not is another matter.
And yeah… a lot of these very sick SAs (like my ex friend, that I now refer to as “predator”) WILL and DO go to therapy and groups to appease their partners and make them think that they are “recovering”, when its all just a ruse. That is, if they are even REALLY GOING!!! ugh… nightmare. The rest is minimized, covered up and LEFT OUT. I liken it to whipped cream covering up a pile of shit. It may look delicious at first glance, but…
I experienced all of this first-hand, from the inside. :(( unfortunately.
Now, this isn’t in all cases. There are a small percentage of men that do recover and reach a healthy state of sexual sobriety, but you won’t find cards in their wallets for strippers/hookers, with some totally OUTRAGEOUS excuse. Choir camp, my ass. That was a good one!
I know…we so want to believe, though, don’t we? After all, who wants to be played for a fool– A fool in love with a freight train, a Moby Dick, a hurricane. 🙁
Best to just get out of its way.
Warm healing wishes to all,
Lorraine
At some point we begin to see that none of these men are special. Instead we can see them as rather run of the mill, pedestrian sex addicts. They lie, they hurt, they lie some more and hurt some more. The only difference between them is their preferred form of acting out. We can read story after story after story and know that the existence of a sex addict’s life revolves around feeding their addiction and concocting lies to advance their agenda.
In the final analysis we have a tortured, unnurtured, damaged soul who simply lacks the voluntary impulse and family upbringing to behave as “normal” people behave. Their childhood left them as poorly socialized as a puppy chained to a stake in the backyard, seldom fed and kicked in the face twice daily. What happens when such a puppy reaches adulthood? What has to happen for a dog raised like this to become a trusted family pet?
I prefer not to think of my guy’s emotional and mental illness as unique. He is just the socially unacceptable person he was raised to be. Unfortunately for me, he and his family colluded in hiding how dysfunctional they really were. Ladies we are just dealing with damaged goods. If they admit they are damaged and work to get better, I imagine there is hope. But we should always keep in the forefront of our minds a scared, abused puppy chained and ignored who we picked up and now want to know why he eats his own poop and withdraws to a corner.
Honest,
You made me laugh about such an off topic. But the analogy is good.
My inlaws hid and are hiding it well. I still don’t get or see how it happened. But something is off, something happened somewhere. No one is willing or ever has addressed it. This addiction as all others does not develop in a caring and nurturing envrironment (or thats my thought anyway). Neither would the heavy pot smoking the SA did since junior high. Parents never said a word.
Lorraine,
You hit the nail on the head with your post and you are so right. My SA continues to lie, and when he is not lying he is minimizing his actions and it drives me NUTS. We had it out last night again…and when i get irrate is when he tries to minimize what he has done. While I understand that this is a way for them to cope, it by no means a way to make amends or part of the healing process.
The one thing I am 100% sure about is his looking at porn in front of our daughter. I have screen shots that were taken about every 5 seconds. He continueally thinks that I don’t know the real story and tries to tell me he minimized the screen etc. and that she did not see. He is not owning his actions and still has not dealt with the reality.
And now I remember the calling card. Not in your wallet…given the situation now. To dangerous no matter the story. Not my health and my life. I am not gonna find out the 100% truth the hard way. It’s not worth the risk of STD or worse Aids.
I have had this feeling for a long time now that I will never know the truth and never will. But it is unsafe to hope that he will start to own his actions and relaity and maintain a household with this man (even though we are not intimately together). Its harmfull to your soul to go against the grain of your insticts and your intuition. Its time to get out while I can and seperate. I am not closing the door on him entirely, but I am closing the door on this relationship how it currently is.
My SA is very very sick and may never change. Even if it is “just porn”. It’s no way to live for the rest of my life.
P.S.
Also if he cannot own up to and admit what I do know, he is not telling me the unknowns.
I agree Flora. If he is being “honest” but you know otherwise, because you have the proof..then he is not taking it seriously.
Flora,
The fact that he is looking at porn infront of your daughter is legally considered sexual abuse and if you have proof you can screw him to the wall. I am not usually that nasty but hurting us is one thing but hurting your baby like that is unacceptable.
Although everything they do is unacceptable! (Feeling stupid now)
Annie,
I did call the state and DCF and they said it is considered bad parenting, but not a crime at this point. My therapist knows as well. The state said if it was going on enough that there was neglect, then they could do something. I have screen shots, but that is the most proof i have. I don’t have video of him sitting in front of the computer. So anyone could easily say i did it, or heresay etc. I them have locked the computer and put my daughter in daycare.
But next week i meet with an attorney to get their take. I know it was wrong no matter what the state says. Its a crime in my eyes.
Surprised the law does not seem to think so???
Yes and all they do is unacceptable. But I make the same thought. You can hurt me, but not the kids. But in all reality they should not be hurting any of us.
Hi Again Annie,
I looked at the footage again. It does show him signing into his email and school accounts, i wonder if that would hold weight. But revolting again. Glad I looked i needed a reminder. Over time you tend to forget the details as it is so awfull. But I needed that refresher. Feel more confident about my decision to seperate everyday.
Now I can’t stop. You know the kicker is, and this will shock you of course, that he said it was “only that one time”. (Yeah Right). that was on Joannes list of excuses. The sad thing is that I am sure there were other times that he will not fess up about, and my poor baby was subject to this in addition he was not paying attention to her. While i worked and would have given anything to stay home with her, he was doing this while I supported the household. Not forgivable.
what a freak he is. I know he would say as well as his therapist “its the addiction”, but there is no excuse for this. And no excuse for how many people these SA’s hurt, how many times they hurt people. Its really sad.
My ex husband took topless photos of his girlfriend in front of my four-year-old. CPS also told me it was “bad parenting” not abuse or neglect. They said adults can watch porn or have sex in front of children so long as it’s not for the purpose of enticing the child into sexual activity. It’s insanity.
What if the child is enticed anyway?
yes insane.
Okay, I have to say something here about exposure to children of an SAs activities. Expose, fight, and keep complaining and demanding….do not let it drop. Keep the researching, keep putting it right there for therapists to see, Guardian ad litems, courts, everyone…..do not believe anyone when they say it is not against the child in every way. It messes them up, bad, forever.
Pornography corrupts…look at our husbands.
It has no place in a child’s life, ever, and it will screw them up. This you can fight, but only by proof and exposure and demands that it stop (it usually does not, because the SA cannot, the porn is more important than the child). The SA has to know you will NEVER back off on this one, and will be the biggest pain in his ass that he could have ever known. But since they lie, you will have to research and have no mercy whatsoever on what you discover. In this case, to me, there are no options, this sickness and deviance should in no way spread to a (my) child in any form or the whole world will know and the SA will have everything thrown at him in every public arena.
I am there, I know, and it does matter and so far they have listened. But I push it into every ones file and I do not relent. No body wants to look, n one wants to deal with this seedy sick world, and you will have trouble being believed. Get and show your proof, protect the children.
I guess I may have been speaking a bit out of turn, I guess every state is different. I am in a southern state that is currently dealing harshly with sex offenders.
It’s so hard to relook at the crime or acts they’ve done. It’s heartbreaking and sickening all over again. Good luck witht he attorney…hope it’s a good one! 🙂