Sex Addict Husband Refuses Help And Denies Problem

I believe my husband may be a sex addict, but I may never know for sure.

He refuses to talk to a counselor, or anyone for that matter. He completely isolates himself from other human beings…in fear they’ll find him out if you ask me. I got him to agree to it one time after threatening him with a divorce if he didn’t go, but he immediately became so depressed he was physically ill.

He didn’t eat or leave the bedroom for days at the mere thought of having to talk to a counselor. He says he doesn’t have a problem, & laughs me off like I’m the crazy one just pulling wild accusations out of my ass!

He says he can control himself!! Yea right if he could, he would…right?

If there indeed is nothing “wrong” with him as he claims why such an extreme reaction when asked to go to counseling? Seems to me he’d be eager to go to hear them tell me I’m wrong & making something out of nothing as he claims.

To me anyone who engages in group sex, and is a swinger starting as early as age 16 has a very unhealthy idea of what sex really is!  Any man who spends 8 hours of his work day looking at & searching for underage girls, bestiality, & group sex porn only stopping for breaks, and lunch has a problem!

His internet history has turned up nothing since I caught him…guess he’s hiding it much better now. He has tried to meet up with 2 different girls on 2 different occasions, but I found out and intervened both times before any sex could be had….he swears those are the only times he’s done anything like that, but I don’t believe it & I think had he not been caught red handed he’d never fessed up to any of it!

I’m sure there have been similar instances, but until I have proof he will confess nothing!! I’m so tired of questioning my every thought, & opinion, because of him! I never had a problem standing by what I believed, my decisions, or for myself until I met him, & I would never have put up with even an attempted affair from anyone else!

Maybe he’s right maybe I am crazy! I love him dearly that’s what makes all of this so hard, but I’m wondering if love is really enough. I’m so scared he is going to project this type of behavior onto our children as his dad & older brothers did unto him.

How do I protect them? I can’t make him get help, & a divorce would just mean he’s being left unsupervised with our children when he has them. I feel like I’ve damned them no matter what I do. I’m so mad at him for not being honest about who & what he was in the beginning, I think I could tear his head off with my bare hands!!

Please help me I need some advice from someone whose been there…I have no one that I can confide this embarrassment to!

Thanks in advance,

‘A’

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Responses

  1. I just came back from seeing my husbands and my relationship counsellor who specializes in addictions – including sexual addictions. My husband just recently confessed he is a sex addict to me after confessing this secret to our counsellor. He watches porn and masterbates and I am told that is all he does. He feels shame and guilt afterwards though and this was a key reason his behaviour is concidered an addiction. He has been doing these behaviours way before he met me so I do not feel guilty or responsible as I know some women do.

    The information you have given is so much more than what I am expereincing. I can’t imagine how torn you must feel. Angry and betrayed too. I know I do.

    The common thing that with both our sitations is the loss of trust. This is the number one thing I must have in my relationship and I don’t have this right now.

    Secondly, as I recognize it’s an illness, he must be willing to change. At this time my husband blames me and deflects. This is deniel and part of many addictions.

    I really hope you go to councelling as I am doing. It is making me stronger and helping me realize that I am NOT crazy and my husband behaviour is disrespection me, my values and our relationship.
    It’s an outside opinion that focuses on your well being. And it’s confidential. It really helps me regroup.

    I believe I will not be staying with him and I am not looking forward to that but know it’s the right thing. I do hope though that he takes responsibility and gets the help he needs because I love my husband as well. I love myself more. Your children deserve to live in a place where they feel safe and there is trust. You deserve to be respected, cherished and valued.

    I plan on not making a quick decision though. I am going to seek information from lawyers, counsellors and I am looking at housing options as well as continue to read about this addition so I can make a calulated move that is the least stressful to me and my family.

    I with you nothing but the best. You are not alone.

    Jo

  2. Yes. He’s lying. Yes, he’s a sex addict. He’s very sick and I’m sorry to say this, but If he’s a danger to your children, then they are in even MORE jeopardy, if he’s living IN the home. And I don’t mean by example either. There is no such thing as a “supervised” marriage. That is unless you are with him every single second of every single day?

    He will only get well, if HE wants to. And he has made it quite clear that he doesn’t want to. He’s fine the way he is. If you can live with him like this, then fine. And no, love is not enough. In fact, sometimes the most loving thing one can do for a person is to let them go.

    Like it or not, as long as he is married, you are an unwitting accomplice. You see, without you, (or any wife) the acting out would lose most of its appeal. Its all part of the illness.

    I’m so sorry. Its a horrible disease. I hope that at least that you have a professional to speak with.

  3. I’m glad to see that you are past the initial shock and frozen stage and have a good enough grasp on your husbands problem to look at it objectively. It sounds like you are the type of person with a backbone. Now you need to be the type of person with an exit plan.

    If this husband of yours can’t even acknowledge his actions (and according to you they go well beyond casual recreational sex), even if he wanted to – or could change right now – it would be years before he could claim sobriety from his addiction. He can’t admit his actions to himself how is it he would even come close to telling you the full story.

    You are in danger of financial ruin, sexual diseases, mental anguish, and your kids will learn their future behavior – not from him, but from you and what you do with your life in the near future. Protect yourself so you can protect your kids. Your husband is sick and the disease is spreading in the form of denial. You honestly can do nothing for this man. Let me repeat – you really can do NOTHING for this man. And he is incapable of doing anything for you right now… and possibly never. Denial is never a good stage in sex addiction.

    Get your ducks in a row, document everything so that you can protect your kids in the custody order, let go of the man and the future you thought you knew and start again in a healthy environment. Try a separation for a while to see if he can accept the consequences for his actions – but make it a legal separation. The financial cost of not doing that is scary.

    He is only going to move toward change if you act. I have 10 years experience living with a sex addict and learning from him and I can see you are standing in a dead end street. I really am sorry.

    1. Since I posted this article…..I was diagnosed with genital herpes….see what denial can do? I am still with the sick man…but plan to get out the first of the year…..I wish I could go now…but our last son left for basic training a couple weeks ago and we need to be there for his graduation….and then….ugh…hes coming home for Christmas and I have other children coming home also from other states….I don’t want my children to know yet….there father has portrayed himself to be this man of great integrity…what a facade….but anyway this is my second STD in 43 years…..I have been so stupid….so stupid….I should be enjoying retirement with my husband…not having to start all over again….

  4. Forget about fixing him. Forget about getting him into counseling. Instead focus on getting counseling for yourself. To a objective observer, it seems like you would benefit from therapy. It’s like they say on airplanes, get your own oxygen mask on before trying to “help” someone else.

  5. I have been married for over 40years. I have over the years felt like something was off with my husband but could not put my finger on it. When we had been married about 5 years I ended up with trichomosis…a std, the doctor treated myself and my husband….I was so niave then,he said that he didn’t do anything and that the doctor and or lab had made a wrong diagnosis…..hmmm, well life went on. Over the years verbal and physical abuse has occured, he has never beaten me, but has threatened to kill me a few times. Recently, about 5 months ago I found that he was using messenger on his hotmail account….I asked him about it and he told me he didn’t even know what messenger was….I was on his hotmail account one day and the chat window popped up…the girl said she was wet and wanted play….I was in shock and very niave as to how this even worked….so I clicked on the box and it showed the email address how to contact her and it was my sons email address! I thought, what? how can this be? What he had done after alot of self taught computer investigating is that he had hidden girls names, facebook invite, facebook notifications, in and under email address’s in his contact lists…..in fact he had gone as far as having information about one particular girl in his desktop file…..I could never open that file…bummer. I checked his “search email” history and there were so many email address’s from chat sites….one that always goes back to “city sex”….at least 35….I asked him about this….he totally denies it today….he lies and lies….I have proof….I wrote down all the address’s….and information that was available and still lies…I have even taking and shown him on the computer itself….but he blames his sons for his hotmail being hacked….I have been so upset about this….a few times when I confronted him he became so enraged that he put his hands around my throat and said he was going to kill me….I love this man, believe it or not….he can be so loving, he is always telling me how wonderful I am, how beautiful I am, how much he loves me….its like a Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde……but if I am nice to him and leave him alone and ask no questions than everything is great…..I went to my first counseling appointment last week, I need to get healthy, I am tired of him telling me that I am crazy and psyco, and that I have serious problems….I have trust issues, and that I walk in darkness, and that he walks in the light…If anyone has a comment I would love to hear from u….I don’t know if he will ever admit it….so in the meantime u doubt yourself.

    1. Dear Pamela,

      If you’re waiting for him to admit the truth before you’ll acknowledge what you ALREADY KNOW is true, you’re in trouble, Girl.

  6. Hello, A.

    You and I are in a similar situation. Here’s where we are different: I do not love my husband at all; I don’t even like him. At this point, knowing what I know about him, I am totally disgusted by him. We continue to live in the same house because I am stuck here, but we no longer sleep together, ever since I found out what he was doing (hardcore porn and advertising himself on the internet). We are stuck with each other in the same house; we remain civil to each other for the sake of the kids.

    But here is where you and I are very much alike: You wrote about wanting to protect your children, and you pointed out, “A divorce would just mean he’s being left unsupervised with our children when he has them.” That has been my main concern, too – I worry about the type of people he might bring around the kids. Also, I now have no source of income, and I’m broke. What to do?

    I keep thinking of someone I knew who was in the same situation that you and I are in – and this person was a man. This guy bided his time and stayed married for many years. He was too worried about the kind of people who might be brought around his kids if he wasn’t watching. So, he slept separately from the wife but stayed in the same house; and he was able to keep an eye on the kids. When the youngest turned 18, this man finally filed for divorce.

    I know that sounds unbearable. But, that’s what I’ve been doing so far – the same thing that man did – until I can think of a better solution. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. There are many people in the same situation that you are in.

  7. I just found all the info on the computer. This happened last year. He got out of control with trying to post pictures on Craigslist. He even threatened to leave me if I don’t give in to his fantasies…sex with multiple strangers….it was never going to end. We just got married! I had no idea. I thought our vows said to forsake all others? Now the last 2 days I found more evidence on the laptop. 7 different dating/ hook up sites. He even left 2 made up new emails in the address of his chats…like he had to upload pics. He denied it…said it was just pop ups…but the pop up on the lap top doesn’t allow for sites to pop up…duh liar. I can’t help him until he admits this and agrees to help. He has cheated on every woman he’s been with. Be said he doesn’t know why he did cheat..he just couldn’t help himself. I love my husband very much, he’s a sick sick man. But to tell me I’m crazy and jealous? I know I’m not the jealous type..or crazy. He’s gonna be confronted tomorrow and I’m gonna tell him he has to get help…or I can’t help him. I can’t live like this..I’m loyal and work hard to pay all the bills..so why..so he can hook up with whores and I pay for it? Uh…no more. Please anyone….any advice or professional I can seek….I’m on the edge of non stop meltdowns.

  8. yes, Sabrina. The professional I would seek would be a divorce lawyer. You can’t help him. He is too far gone. This man is mentally ill and there is nothing you can do to “help” him, no matter what. And he does not want help or to recover because he is too sick to realize that there’s anything to recover from! I’m sure that there are aspects of him that are immensely lovable, but then you have his evil twin to deal with. Sorry, but the twin has set up permanent residence. You can’t have one without the other. I gather that there aren’t any children yet. Please, stop enabling him and supporting his habit (albeit unwittingly) or one day you may end up like me, resentful, angry, finding it next to impossible to get out (due to lack of finances because he couldn’t make enough money and depended on me to support our family.) and shaking her head wondering how on earth she wasted so many years on this loser! It will feel yucky at first and he will try to pull you under and make a lot of promises he doesn’t intend to keep. Believe me. He lies to himself too. He is hopeless. This is a pattern that is so ingrained inside his sick head that its impossible to change. You see, even IF he stopped all of the CL nonsense, all of it is still EMBEDDED in his brain, forever. Besides, he’s a compulsive liar. Some people just cannot be fixed and he, unfortunately is one of them.

    I think that you realize all of this and are just grieving your loss. We’ve all gone or are going through this and that is why we are here. The only person we can save is ourselves.

  9. You are not crazy he is very sick. You can’t fix…help him……he will never change. I have been married to an addict for over 20 years and I can tell you it only gets worse. If you stay you will spend your life in hell

  10. Thankyou….I to have been to counseling…my counselor told me to get out that someday he could kill me….not only do I have a husband that is in denial about sex addiction…but he is verbally, emotionally and can be physically abusive….he has never beat me…but has done other things….and now I have realized he is a sex addict…because I was diagnosed with a STD two weeks ago….the second one in 43 years…he denies giving it to me….I can’t wait to get out of this relationship…wish I could go now…but have to wait until after Christmas.

  11. Pamela,

    I am so, so sorry. I would think that you would need the 12 weeks or so to make your plans, anyway. But ya know what? Don’t feel you need to protect your children from this monster or the ugly truth. That’s HIS problem, not yours. You do not have to divulge every gory detail, but they deserve to know the truth for a myriad of reasons. Allow them to make their choice as to if they want to risk a relationship with him. I would stick to the facts which are that their father gave you an STD 40 years ago and then just recently and it was not possible for you to have gotten it any other way and that you found out that for your entire marriage he was leading an alternative lifestyle which meant that he was engaging with many, many other women… and you have finally summoned up the courage and strength to leave. You are distraught, but you cannot live your life knowingly with someone who’s in that lifestyle. They will be distraught too, but they are all adults now? Let them help you. My young adult son was and is exceedingly supportive and he still loves his father for all of his good qualities. Tell them before they come home and tell them that you need their help moving. Perhaps line up a counselor and take yourself and the children to counseling. The sex addict will accuse you of “bad mouthing” him. That’s what they do. The abhor the truth. The truth is ugly and shameful and if someone divulges it they are “besmirching” his good name. not.

    Ignore husband. However, if you can… before you tell the kids, perhaps purchase a micro video camera that you can hide. They even make them for watches. If he makes one threat, even one, in any way shape or form… call 911. Barricade yourself in a closet, if you have to. Tell them that your husband is threatening to hurt/kill you. The police will come and take him away. Yes, yes… very dramatic, but so is murder. And threatening to kill someone is a felony. Someone should’ve carted him away years ago… but we can’t go back. What disturbs me even more, is that he’s often the “doting husband.” He’s such a sick fuck. It really sucks, but life will get better. I promise you this! best, Kim

  12. I too have been married for almost 45…no sex for almost 4 years….. He did tell a urologist that he does not have sexual feelings for me, but that he loves me. However, he is addicted to porn videos, mostly beastiality. When I have found the downloads, he always denies and tells me I am stupid. He did, at one time, say he was sorry and he did not realize how I was so hurt and disrespected. It has gone on for years…… Yesterday, I found downloads of disgusting videos on one tablet and beastiality on another…..I don’t feel I want to continue my years out with this man…My heart is broken. He told me he does not know why he does it, and that he is curious…Curious? How can he be curious after years of doing it? I am sick to my stomach……and so very, very angry……

  13. My husband & I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this Sept.& dated for 7 yrs prior to marriage. Prior to getting married we had a few sexual adventures, at his request. We did the same room sex, partner swapping and the 2 girl 1 guy fantasy that most men have. I was not comfortable in almost every situation. I did try them all more than once to make sure it wasn’t my insecuritis & nerves. No it’s just not for me. When we got engaged I asked him if he was sure he wanted to marry me because once you say I do it’s me only for the rest of your life. I even went as far as to tell him now is your chance, go sleep with whomever you want to all the way up to the big day. I don’t know if he did pr didn’t I assume he did. I do enjoy spontaneous public crazy sex for example when we live in Nevada we went to the Las Vegas Strip to have dinner one night & as we walked back to our car I said “hey honey let’s sneak into the pool area & make love” . He hesitatedid but then agreed. The thought of getting caught excited me. Last June we separated for about 4 months, he moved in with another women & I was still at our place with both of our boys trying to do all I could not to cry daily. It took weeks before I could even make it half a day without crying. Last Aug. I went on my first date in 26 yrs & was beginning my néw me. My husband started coming by more often & tried to make it my fault we weren’t together. I don’t understand how it’s my fault he left. He said he was who his was & that he a obviously couldn’t make me happy. At the end of Sept. he began coming over more & more asking me for another chance. I had given him many chances before but this was the only time we had been actually seperated. He started to be to go out of his way to do & say all that I wished he would have before. He said he knows it will be hard work & that it would take a long time to get my trust back but would do anything. I eventually said ok let’s try again. At first we slept in the same bed but there was no sex for awhile. Yes of course we finally did have sex & it was OK not like it was. Then a few months later it was great again. Well as the saying goes the moment I thought to myself wow maybe this time will be different I was wrong. He had an affair with my brother in laws girlfriends best friend. I had her believing we were seperated & getting divorced while he had me believing in miracles. So so very wrong. Right now we are living together back in the same town we lived in a few years back & he not only is soliciting sex from women but men & transsexuals. He has also been paying to sleep with a professional “escort”. I just don’t get it, why work so hard on convincing me he wanted this marriage & had no idea how he could live without me. He said that while we were seperated he realized that I am the one he wants to go to sleep with every night & the one he wants to wake up to everyday for the rest of his life. Such a fool I am for not knowing better. Now what am I to do? I am & have always been crazy in love with the s.o.b. & am still willing to do anything to make him stop his cheating was & lies. I deserve better, our kids deserve better & so does he. Why does he want to humiliate me & take advantage of my love? Please somebody help me. Thanks

  14. My husband of 3 years has a fettish with porn. Prior to our marriage he had a library which I uncovered little by little. Not a prude by any means but dont see the need when our sex life is fantastic. He’s very doting, affectionate and gets aroused daily. However I log onto computer and notice in the history he is visiting 3d virtual Anime sights, and one even closely resembling the red light district. Disgusted, hurt and overall asking myself WTF!? He denied over and over again he didn’t visit them even went as far as saying the email this registration site sent him he didn’t do?? Omg!! I am 40 years old for God’s sake..this in my eyes constitues cheating..virtual sex with random avatars??please help me? Confused!! And utterly without direction!!

  15. I can identify so closely with all of you. My husband loves his porn. For 3 years he has denied, lied, and tried to convince me I’m crazy. He and I both agree on our definition of cheating. Then I catch him having phone sex with another woman right beside me in bed. He screams that he’s not a cheater and that I’m hearing things or just making it all up. Ha! Right. Because I have nothing better to do or want nothing more that to catch my husband screwing around on me. Every girls’ dream. I have him on audio and video talking to other women and masturbating. He still denies. This man is incapable of admitting there is a problem. Fortunately for me, he has only participated in cyber sex, for now. I used to be head over heals for this man, but not anymore. I love him. I probably always will but I am not naive enough to think he will change, get help or that this won’t progress. I have done ALOT of soul searching. I have also realized that what we as a society have deemed normal for a marriage has not evolved nearly as much you would expect in such a progressive culture. Some people are living in parenting marriages, open marriages, gay marriages, long distance marriages, etc. My marriage will be what, if anything, I choose to make of it. For now, I’m still married to the man I love. I have cut off the physical demention of our relationship. If I feel the need to have sex, it’s should be my choice to go find it somewhere else. Isn’t that what he has done? I have no fears concerning many aspects of our life together. Money, kids, family. All of that I trust him with, just not my heart. So for now, I am figuring out this new marriage I’m living in. It may work, it may not. I know this idea isn’t for everyone. Many believe in the old institution of marriage, just like I did, but things change. Who knows, maybe the problem we are all facing will one day be acknowledged in the DSM as an actual addiction. For now I think many of us could benefit from seeing it for what it is, a behavioral issue. Calling it an addiction relieves the “suffers” from responsibility and liability. They should be held accountable and have to answer for what they are choosing to do. Some 12-step program is not going to “cure” someone of poor behavior choices. I know some of this may sound bitter or absolutely bonkers, but coming from a woman who has hard fought for her self worth, self esteem and sanity, it’s feels pretty good to know where I am at, what I am facing and know no matter how alone I feel, there are so many of you out there struggling right along beside me. I have also learned that no matter how scary things seem, I have the strength and power to do what is necessary to protect and provide for my kids and myself, just like each and every one of you. Stay strong ladies.