Hi, I am 20 years old and in December of 2011 I found out my fiancé has a sex addiction.
Not only that but I found out two days later that he had relations with a friends girlfriend who I absolutely despise. His addiction mostly consisted of frequent masturbating and chatting with girls online, sending them pictures, asking for pictures, etc.
It only twice, to my knowledge, became physical with anyone while we were dating, once while we were already engaged.
When I first found out, I was so hurt, crying, a mess, but I tried to stay strong for him since he felt so guilty for hurting me. I told him I would stay and try to make things work and get help for him even after he begged me to leave because I didn’t deserve him.
I love him with all my heart and I can’t even think about living without him in my life because he makes me so happy even through his addiction. I am not the type of person who will just leave when someone is sick and hurting so much, especially when it is the person in my life that means the most to me.
Two months after I found out, things were looking pretty good until my friend called me up and said that the night before he was talking to her online and asked her to send him pictures. I was so upset, again… talked to him about it and let him off the hook again because I knew he had a bad night that night.
Things seemed good again, but this past week I accidently stumbled upon messages he was sending all these girls, giving them his number, telling them how beautiful and sexy they are, asking them to meet up with him, telling them how horny of a boy he was. I almost died.. again.
I thought he was doing better, I knew he wasn’t masturbating anymore and I was so proud of him for that so I didn’t bring the SA up anymore. Little did I know it was still going on. He apologized and said he was done with it again and that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me again.
I know that he loves me, he tells me all the time, compliments me, hugs me, kisses me, and gives me so much attention. He rushes home from work and tries to get off early to be with me before we go to bed. He has really good values, is popular, always trying to please everyone and help them out. He was raised in an amazing family and has so many friends.
I read all your ladies stories about how you have been in marriages for so long not knowing a thing, but I am only 20 and know not everything but a lot of details about my fiancés addiction and the things he’s done. I know what caused his addiction and I think it is absolutely aweful and unfair but I believe there is a higher power, God, who can overcome sin and make everyone a better person if they just commit to him fully and ask for forgiveness.
I am overcome with hurt inside, my heart aches, some days I just can’t handle life because all I want to do is mourn for myself and the condition I am in. You realize at some point that all this time spend snooping or thinking about what is going on is wasted time, for the moment being I would like to enjoy my life with the man I love and pray and hope that he is in the 5% and will eventually with a lot of help and guidance be happy and healthy.
I know I have been lied to and hurt more times than I can imagine but through it all I believe that he truly loves me and is the other part of me, the half that makes me whole. I told myself I would try and try until I can’t anymore because there is no way in hell I am giving up on him unless he gives up on himself.
Thank you everyone who will read this, it means a lot to me! Us girls have to stick together. Any thoughts, advice, or support would be greatly appreciated.
Hurt and in love.
U say he had a bad night and so he went online..well u have been having a pretty rough time…did u go online chatting..did u chat up other men and asked them to meet up..u didn’t and u never would.coz that’s what true love is all about.when he says he loves u maybe thats love according to him but is that how u want to be loved for the rest of your life…him finding other girls beautiful and sexy and sleeping with them? And trust me he will.
Just try and figure out why u are willing to settle for something like this.u are 20 u have your whole life ahead of u..luckily u are not yet married and don’t have kids.
U want to be his wife not his mother.
Just leave please
Will you please step outside of yourself and read what you wrote?
“Only twice he got physical while we were dating, once while we were engaged.” Why is that something you will tolerate even once?
“…I tried to stay strong for him…” Wait, wait, wait…lemme see if I get this……..He screwed around on YOU, and you tried to stay strong so he wouldn’t feel bad? HELLO? IS ANYBODY HOME?
“I love him with all my heart….” Have you lost your mind? If he kicked you in the teeth repeatedly, would you still love him with all your heart? He’s unfaithful, repeatedly, and you still love him with all your heart? ARE YOU NUTS?
“He grew up in a great family” REALLY? “He has great values” REALLY?
Stop. You clearly believe you can and should save this “man” from himself, while sacrificing yourself. STOP IT NOW!
He is scum of the earth. He has more problems than you can count. He is a master manipulator. He is a born liar. He will use you like a blow-up doll and throw you on the street when you’ve got nothing left to give.
Stop. Leave. Get some counseling. Find out why you are a love addict. Find out why you have such low self-esteem that you want to spend your life with this loser. Get out.
My best, Betty
I’m with Betty and Sanity–100000000%!
True love doesn’t hurt sweetie and all I hear in this disturbing letter is a tremendous amount of pain and suffering and from someone so very young.
Sorry, but all of the prayer in the world isn’t going to give humpty sex addict a real soul. But God IS with you. Listen to Him. He’s trying to teach you a valuable lesson. This one is not THE one. Break it off. Yes, it will hurt for a while… but not nearly 1/100th as much as it will if you stay with him.
You cannot fix him!
True Love doesn’t hurt like this. True love is protection not aggravation. It’s dedicating yourself to one person and one person only.
You may love this man but even though he’s saying the words he will never really love you. Let me repeat that. He will NEVER really love you. He is not showing the kind of remorse it takes to get sober and leave this addiction behind – he’s still participating in it in front of your face!
I knew about my husbands addition before I married him, and I bought into the promises. He did make me happy and feel whole -for about 2 years. Then the addiction overshadowed everything.
If you really want to live in a marriage where there is no trust. Where your money is poured into the porn and prostitute industry, where you are unevenly tied to a man that can’t ever be your equal in the marriage or life for that matter… then stay with him.
Or make the really hard, devastating choice to let this “golden boy” go. He’s nothing but a cow-pie covered in gold paint. Trust me. You won’t have a happy life with this man.
Dear hurt and in love-
God helps them who helps themselves. Your boyfriend is an SA!! He may say he loves you, and he may think he does, but an SA is not capable of giving you the kind of love you need. You have caught him in lies, and I guarantee you that you are probably only aware of 50% of what he has done. As long as he is in active addiction, there is no way he can love you the way a man should. Give it up!
You have not said whether or not he is willing to get help for his addiction. I have to tell you that even if he gets help, is motivated to do so, and works diligently towards learning to manage his addiction, (They are never cured-only learn to manage it) it takes years to get to that point.(a minimum of 5 yrs of intense counseling) you have a long road ahead of you with continual slips and relapses. Is that what you want for you life?? You deserve so much more.
I am a psych nurse who was caught up in the false persona shown to me. Even I was not able to get a handle on it until I spent 3 yrs. with him and realized that once an addict- always an addict. The lieing and deception continued-it was a way of life for him. A leapord does not change his spots. Your boyfriend has a life-time of addiction and maladaptive behavior, and that is very difficult to learn to manage.
PLEASE, do not waste anymore of your energy on this guy-he is sick!! He is not going to recover anytime soon, if ever.
You are young – get out!! You deserve more!!
I understand you feel like you love this man, but you are in love with the man you thought he was. An SA works very hard to get you-once he does, you will see that he will do everything he can to avoid intimacy with you. He portrayed a false persona. He is not that man!! He does not know how to be.
You are only 20 y/o – run like hell and find someone who can meet your needs. This man cannot!
You are young and impressionable. You want him to be only yours-but he is not. You will have to share him with his fantasy life- other women. Is that what you want???
Cut your losses and get out. You will recover but he will not!
My prayers are with you.
These gals have all given you great advice. You are in love with someone who does not exist. GET OUT!
We women are nuts..we need to get our heads examined.
why do we buy the fairy tales of these men?
Why do we buy their version of love?
Been there..done that.
It took me 18 months to leave the SA even after i found that he had slept with hookers and that when i wasnt even married to him.
i couldnt break my habit of 8 years inspite of everything.Only one thought i held onto..I DESERVE BETTER.
And even if i dont get anyone BETTER i shouldnt settle for him.
They are so good at sucking you into their lives its impossible to break away unless you cut off completely.
All this hoopla of detachment , boundaries etc doesnt work and why should you have to or want to make it work?
Why should you want to be in a relationship where you are so threatened emotionally and physically that you have to be detached from the person who should matter the most to you?
For financial security?..then are we any different from the hookers they slept with.I think , worse, coz at least the hookers are honest about what they are doing.
For the sake of kids?..i dont think so..if you had a neighbour who was a porn addict,a liar and a cheat,who slept with hookers and who solicited casual sex would you let him anywhere near your children even for a minute?
He maybe the biological father but fatherhood has to be earned.
You dont have to be married to him even if you want to be his Mother Theresa.Open a facility and treat them medically.
And at 20???
Hoe does one have compulsions at 20 to be with someone like this?
Sweetie agewise you could be my daughter.
For heaven’s sake ..GET OUT
love n hugs
I agree with what everyone else has already said – leave now.
I was also twenty years old when the beginning of my “discoveries” started, and I wasted another four years hoping things would get better. In the end I have a lot of regret for time wasted on someone who hasn’t shown any true desire to get better despite claiming they did. Until they are truly ready to get healthy, they won’t. Don’t waste anymore of your time on this guy, you deserve so much better!
Hi I am married to a SA for 19 years still married to him because i have two kids and we live in asia where divorce is a taboo on the women and childreN.
you are young and your life is ahead of you dont do the mistake i did get the hell of out your relationship. they are manipulative liars. so dont even bother to listen.
I was married to an SA for 12 years. He was in program SLAA for the last 5 years and continued to manipulate and lie to me and the member of his group. After all the support, love, encouragement he was unable to stop and eventually left me for one of his affair partners. Up until the day he left, I was the love of his life, blah blah blah. It’s all a bunch of B.S. You husband sounds like he is also a Love Addict. All the affection, comments etc, you are just part of his addiction. I agree that you can still love this person but you must learn to love yourself more and leave. I get where you are coming from, we all want to be loved and you are falling for a false love. I fell for it for years. I have been on my own for 4 years and did my own program SAnon, got a sponsor and have worked on myself. Do it while you are young don’t waste years of your life.
You can’t help him. You’re not being noble by staying with him. There’s nothing admirable about sacrificing yourself on the altar of someone else’s addiction. My husband came from a great family, he talks a great game about values, and he actively put me at risk of getting HIV for a year after he got infected. He put himself and me at risk of HIV for 11 years before that, with his behavior.
If you think staying with this guy while he wipes his butt with your emotions is noble, imagine how good it’ll feel to let him give you AIDS, or herpes, or HPV, or gonorrhea, or chlamydia that he picked up from some skank he found in a bar. That’s something to look forward to, isn’t it? That will prove you love him.
The only person who can help your fiance is your fiance. Until he hits bottom and seeks help, he will continue to hook up with random people, he’ll continue to feel guilty about it, and he’ll keep going back to it. That’s what an addiction is. And even after he hits bottom and finds help, he’s at incredibly high risk for a relapse. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder? Do you want to spend the rest of your life snooping through his things, looking for evidence that he’s done it again and hoping you don’t find anything? Do you want to spend the rest of your life dreading the news from the doctor’s office?
Wake up and smell the coffee. You deserve better.
Get the hell out !!!!!!!!!! Run, run run and never look back. Let go, and find yourself. Very rarely do they fully recover. You will be hurt over and over and over again. I was married to one for 1.5 year..had I known before I married him.. I would have NEVER married him. Consider yourself lucky to find out before you married him. Please, get counseling and get out of this relationship. It is only destructive. There is so much depth to sex addiction…and it often comes with many other issues in his life.
I agree 1000 percent!! The manipulation to get you back is convincing isn’t it? Why do these addicts insist on being in a “pretend” monogamous relationship? But does it stop this repetitive behavior that is so hurtful? This is NOT a loving relationship. One can simple google what that really is!
This man is sick in one of the worst ways. I understand how difficult it is to imagine that one could be so seemingly good in so many ways and then turn around and be dishonest. It is called abuse. It is crazy making!!!!! It feels awful for a reason, because it is harmful to you to be betrayed. Please get help for you, and you alone. Your sanity is at risk not to mention the risk of STDs.
I speak from being asked to forgive and trust for 20 years. Despite years of treatment, ultimately the addiction prevailed and I and my children were thrown under the bus, along with my dreams, health, and finances. Trying to explain to my grown children just what happened is proving very difficult. I have to ask, did he really ever care about how I felt or was it all a hoax?
I implore you to get out while you are not married. And, I know only you can decide what to do here.
I can tell you now that even if he says he loves you so much it will never stop until he decides to put a stop to it. Believe me I know my fiance is one too, I haven’t confronted him about it, but I do know about it. I’v found his porn stash while spring cleaning the house, seen the messages he sends other girls, found the pictures they have sent him ( which I hate them for doing it yet feel sorry for them to because they know he is with me and believe that he will leave me for them and thats why they do it, but we have been together for 7 years and he can leave at anytime we have no ties together but he hasn’t left) but I have also found where he has answered personal ads none of which have answered back so I guess thats a good thing, signed up for a number of porn sites and I have even had girls emailing me telling me about what they talk about trying to get me to leave him. He says he loves me and I truely believe he does but it is starting to get on my nerves very badly. I know he hasn’t cheated on me since he started his new job he would never have the time before then I don’t know I hope he wouldn’t be that dumb seeing as how his ex wife cheated on him and he knows how bad that would hurt someone. I have thought about leaving him before but then I sat down and thought that if I did that I would be giving all these girls what they wanted and Im not going to make it that easy for them. He is a good man ( excpet when he starts what I call his man- period and is excuse my french a bitch), but needs help badly and all I can do is keep showing him that I am a better woman then these little girls out here who wouldn’t know that first thing about how to take care of a man and pray that he will finally realize what he is putting me through and take it upon his self and change. I have even thought about talking to our pastor about it to get some advice, the best way I found to help me through it is talking to people who have been through it and I know this sounds high schoolish but keeping a journal to write down my thoughts and vent it keeps me from hitting him over the head with a 2×4 🙂
I did forget to mention that even thought I have only been (slept with) 4 men including him in my life I myself have a very high sex drive so it is not like he doesn’t get what he wants at home Ihear most people saying it is because they don’t get what they want when they are home.
Jewels, I am worried about you. You may know how to care for a man but I hear absolutely no evidence that you know how to take care of YOU. You have thought about leaving him and what stopped you is that you didn’t want to make it easier for a bunch of skanky, desperate sluts! oh my… who effin’ cares? You haven’t confronted this whatever-you-want-to-deceive-yourself-into-believing-about-him. Why is that? Instead you are eating a hole in your heart and for what and for how long are you going to do this? Until he has some Divine epiphany that he is ACTUALLY HURTING YOU?!?!?! Or, one day you won’t be able to take it for one more second and out will come a voice that you do not recognize as belonging to yourself. I do not believe that you are naive, but you are in massive denial. He is clearly not on the up and up and it has nothing to do with “love.” Just ask Tina Turner. If you want to live a lifetime of wondering what the “hell” he is up to and praying that one day, he will come to his senses, then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.
sex addiction has absolutely nothing to do with sex or sex drive. Its an addiction and a sickness. You do already understand that only HE has the power to change, but he is clearly not going to do that. He doesn’t want to. And why should he? He’s having way too much fun and if you think he doesn’t have time… think again. There is ALWAYS time!
Is this what you really want? I don’t think so. I’m only saying this because I hear a woman who’s in such a state of despair, that she actually does not know what to do except to vomit it all out into some journal she will never ever read again. How do I know? I did that too…Yes, indeed and while I was doing it provided some relief but got me NOWHERE. The only way to get somewhere is to decided where YOU want to be and make a plan. But you need support. Go see your pastor, a counselor, someone. Take care of you, dear Jewel. Take care of you. I wouldn’t bet on that lame pony to do it for you. nope. best wishes ~ Kim
Jewels – I just read your post and agree that you are in denial. Your fiance has his cake and is eating it too. You are looking at your situation with hope that you your fiance loves you and will get better. A sex addict does not have the capacity to love you in the way you need to be loved. He lacks empathy for you, lies to you, and keeps living his sleezy life. He is only feeling bad because he got caught. What if you had never found evidence of addiction, married this man, and found out 10-20 yrs. down the road, I don’t think you would be viewing this in the same way you are at age 20.
Because you are only 20 y/o and looking at this situation with a level of maturity that only a 20 y/o is able to see, you would not have this mindset. You are young, idealistic, and in your world everything works out. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work that way.
You need to face the facts head on. You say you understand why your fiance has an addiction, you feel sorry for him, and you want to stay with him to “to make sure these girls do not get what they want.” It isn’t about these girls – it is about your fiance. Who cares if they get what they want?? They will certainly not be getting the prize of the month. Your fiance is very sick and will continue his behavior whether he is with other women or yourself.
I agree with Kimberly. Get your self some counseling and find out why you would want to stay with someone who has no regard to your feelings, and even in the best of circumstances, will take years of counseling for him, motivation for change, and to do the hard work it takes to work on recovery. You will live with the same behavior for a minimum of 5 years, and then can look forward to slips and relapses for years to come.
Unfortunately, a leopard does not change his spots. Recovery for a Sex addict is only about 5%, so do you really want to start out your young life with someone who cannot make you happy and most likely will not change? You deserve better than that, and you need to think about why you would settle for a life of ups and downs, unhappiness, and be continually traumatized by this man. I don’t see your fiance wanting to change.
If I were 20 y/o, I would run like hell and look for a man that can fulfill your needs for intimacy and love. You will NEVER have it from your fiance. Find someone that is healthy in mind and soul. I am afraid if you stay with your fiance you will wake up years down the road and ask yourself, “Why did I stay?” “Why was I willing to sacrifice myself for someone who cannot return my love.”
You are lucky you caught him now. Take this as a wake-up call. Thank your lucky stars you are not married or have children with this man.
Go to the s.o.s. side and join. You wlll find love, support, and friendship from many women who are much older than you. Read our tragic stories, and learn the reality of sexual addiction and what it does emotionally and physically to the majority of women who decide to stay. It is not a pretty picture. You will read very few success stories.
SO, wishing you all the luck in the world with your struggle, and my prayers are that you will wake up and smell the coffee.
Hugs to you,
I’m married to a sex addict in recovery and as much as I would be tempted to give advise to to others I would never do so as each individual has to make there own decisson on what to do, and that’s the way it should be as we live better with our own choices and not other peoples. Every case is different and I’m not saying that sex addiction is not hard to deal with infact its a bi*** but we have to deal with it as individuals.Remember some do recover.
I’ve not seen anyone with a good/success story on this site ! I’m not so sure all this negativity is good for any human whether you are with an addict or not. lighten up and have some fun.
Negativity? Seriously? Yes, its sad, but its our REALITY and being told to “lighten up” is a very nasty thing to say to people who are looking for support and are devastated in body, mind and soul. And why, oh why are you complaining when you yourself are offering advice? The message is: “don’t listen to those negative, miserable hags!” (who’ve decided to hold their heads up high and get the fuck out of an abusive relationship!) The women who write in on this site, largely DON’T know what they want. They are confused, lost, devastated and facing possibly the worst crisis of their life, so tell me please… how is “lightening up” supposed to help? It is ALWAYS a woman’s choice whether she should stay or leave and I couldn’t possibly even begin to fathom that I would have the power to get inside someone’s head and make her choose a path that she did not want in her heart and soul. This is a process and all we are trying to do is to minimize the damage. So, tell me please, how that could possibly be construed as negative. What’s negative is our idiot spouses who’ve lead double lives, sometimes for decades, completely behind our backs!
Truly recovering sex addicts are not a bitch to live with. (that doesn’t sound like very much fun to me.)
I needed to leave my serial cheating, deceiving, lying, double lifed husband. Quite frankly, it matters not whether he “recovers” or not. I hope that he does, but that’s HIS business; I did my best and I’m done. Nine years of this kind of abusive mindfuck was more than enough for me. In addition, I do not have the emotional fortitude to constantly be wondering what the hell he is REALLY up to. The reality is… We never for sure. When there’s a will… there’s a way and a man who has the power to be so unbelievably deceptive is capable of anything– even pretending to “recover” just so he can string us along. I do hope that’s not the case for you. I truly do. However, I am not going to be chastised on a blog set up for support for helping LOST women navigate and better understand what they are truly dealing with, so please if you have something constructive to say, then by all means, otherwise, I for one, would be grateful if you could please refrain from further (unhelpful and hurtful) comments. thank you.
I always say that ALL women are absolutely free to stay with their fucktards; just don’t expect them to change, and then they’ll be just fine.
BTW, I consider my “story” to be extremely successful. I finally found the courage to break free… and it was the best thing I’ve ever done! Is the only way to be “successful” measured by “staying the course?” Conversely, in the vast majority of cases, to me, its just the opposite. People who left the Titanic and got on life boats survived. And those who stayed on the ship, did not. Oh, those loser idiots who left that big unsinkable ship. How dare they! How dare they encourage others to follow suit! Must stay with the ship! Its unsinkable. We can bail out the excess water and get it into a 12-step program. We’ll fix the ship!
It takes courage to understand when its hopeless and to actually do something about it. For US.
I knew this would get you off and i trusted you to tell it the way it is.
Hels what you view as “negativity” we , on this site , call reality.
And its not as if we just got up and left on D Day.(though , had we had better sense and had we listened to the women here ,we all would and should have)
All of us here, yes all of us , barring none , not even the creator of this site have been down the recovery road ,thinking we are different , our addict is different and our relationship is different.That is till we pulled our head out of the sand.
We have stayed with the addict for 5, 10 15 years ..some of us are still with them for various reasons.
None of us have been happy during that time..the only happiness we have found is when we have got up and left.
And thats REALITY not NEGATIVITY.