My SA and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years with two children 3 1/2 yrs old and 9 months old. My husband works out of town for 2 weeks at a time and is home for 1 week at a time and this is the way our relationship has been since the beginning.
I found out that my husband is a true 100% full blown sex addict 1 month ago. Thanks to watching an Oprah show about recovering sex addicts, he admitted to paying for sex and masturbating to pornography before and during our entire relationship. This time I DIDN’T CATCH HIM he actually admitted this on his own. It maybe has sunk in that his life has become unmanageable due to this. He was powerless over his addiction despite the consequences. However, I do give him kudos as he was brave and courageous enough to admit to his dirty, disturbing, embarrassing and unhealthy sexual behaviour.
Please note that I do not forgive him and don’t know if I can at this point of my own recovery.
I have caught him several times in the past seeking out prostitutes through internet history, emails, pieces of paper in the back of his jeans with a girl’s name, hotel room and phone number. I was always outraged but he has always said it was a masturbation tool (the act of seeking out escorts that aroused him) but he never went through with it. I thought to myself, “well I guess I will never know.”
I wanted to believe him, so I naively did but only see this now as a major red flag. I now feel somewhat trapped because he is a great father and the only financial provider for our family at present. Since we have been dating we have had some good times, but now looking back I was scared due to my own insecurities to be alone. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I guess at the end of the day, nobody wants to live their lives all alone.
Our relationship was mostly with lack of true intimacy. He often wanted me to dress up in a sexy outfit and he would get off on the predetermined thoughts of pornographic type sex even with me. There were times we even watched porno. I found this was exciting for me at the time because he made me feel sexy, though I could have used more cuddling and kissing. He wanted to do it in odd areas of the house as well like in the dark furnace room or in the garage. I was usually objectified, but wanted to please him thinking it would distract him enough to not want to seek out escorts.
I was pregnant with my youngest son last August /09 when I found he was looking yet again on local escort websites. When I confronted him with verbal abuse and sobbing tears he went in deep denial and lied to say he never went through with it. He broke his work laptop in half and lied to his boss explaining it fell off the back of his truck.
I told him that I thought he had a problem and that he needed to see a therapist, so he promised to go. He lied to the therapist he went to and never went back. He also continued to lie to himself and our family. I have been unhappy for years in this marriage due to the constant reminders that my husband might like to *#@* prostitutes for pleasure, little did I know he was indulging in his secret pleasure alright. It always creeps into my thoughts, I visualise him with these porno type whores. I am in a very angry stage right now.
Since he admitted his sex addiction to me he has displayed a mountain of shame. While he is at work he does a lot of reading but cannot attend all SA meetings and there are a lot of triggers where he works. We also have decided to stay living together and share our bed at present. Unfortunately we don’t have enough finances to move into our own places unless we sell this house.
He has been to two individual counselling sessions with a sex addiction specialist. we have been to some couples counselling too. He has attended eight SA groups and has found himself a sponsor and says he will continue to go to help himself and others for many moons to come. He reads cognitive behavioural therapy books for sex addiction and works in the work books provided.
He seems very committed to recovery from this addiction because he wants to salvage himself, our marriage, and his only chance to show his children how a real man should behave. He has a net nanny internet blocking software installed on his computer so I can see what websites he goes to and to avoid the temptation of going to these sites. He gives me every receipt when he purchases something and told me I can look through his cell phone history. I have attended three individual therapy sessions and two couple sessions which brought some happy feelings back towards him. The therapist had us holding hands and brought me to a greater understanding of the complexity of sexual addiction.
My emotions are constantly back and forth. One minute my guard is up and I don’t want him near me. The next I think he is committed to his recovery, and want to hug him. When I see him play with his kids, I feel love for him. When I see him look ashamed I feel hate for him. I have no answers. This addiction has sucked the souls out of both of us. I am a 33 year old attractive, intelligent, vibrant, outgoing women with a lot of self healing to do. I do not want to be a slave of his addiction. What I do know is I want to work on myself and not make any rash decisions right now.
Thank you for reading, it helps me so much to release these emotions through words.
With love to all!! xo