Just For You

To all my dear sisters,

As I have watched this site grow over the past two years and as I have tried to determine your needs I am always thinking of ways to give all of you the tools to share, support and heal. As I read the conversations and sharing in your comments I see a huge need for a more personal connection with each other

Some of you may remember that I have tried in the past to set up forum and chat programs on this website, but, unfortunately those endeavors did not work. Without a complete overhaul, and the purchase of new software, this site does not have those capabilities to function in a professional looking manner.

So, I have been busy. Well–VERY busy.

I am developing a new website, which will serve as support for women in all types of crisis. As a membership only site, it will provide a safe and secure place to share safely, without worry that someone you know will read your personal writings. This new website will be a private community of women in various stages and types of crisis who share comfort, support and wisdom.

The ‘Members Only’ portion of this new website offers a comprehensive blog with articles written by me and others who have expertise in various issues; forums, groups, live chat, profile sharing, connections through a member directory and profile directory, free individual blog set up and hosting, research, interviews, discounts on all eBooks and educational materials, live online meetings with me twice a month,  and much, much more. The cost for this members only site will be $15.00 per month, which comes out to only about fifty cents a day. Hopefully this membership fee will cover the cost of the software and maintenance fees that I have to pay to run a site like this.

As you can imagine, this is a huge undertaking. Being the eternal optimist that I am, and thinking that I can always do anything I set out to do, I dove into this project without the realization of the enormity of the task. It has taken much more time than I ever imagined. But, it is developing quite nicely.

After watching the tremendous need on this site for a more personal connection between all of you, I have decided to open the new website to everyone here during the rest of the development phase. I hope to be able to do that within the next week.

You will still need to register, but there will be no subscription fee during this development period. During this time you can test out all the goodies, enjoy live chat with each other, set up a profile, comment through the forums and share to your heart’s content. Just remember, even though the site will still require you to sign up, and I will monitor the membership, there will not be the complete security of a paid membership site, so please be careful about sharing personal information such as phone numbers, home addresses, etc. You can probably feel safe sharing e-mail addresses and blog links.

I feel safe in assuming that you will be accepting of any ‘goofs’ that appear, and that you will understand that all of the various issues that women encounter will not be fully fleshed out–right now it is merely a skeleton framework. Many articles still need to be written, many experts contacted and much research still needs to be done. It is truly a work in progress.

But, the nice thing about all of this is that each one of you that does try out the new website will be one of my ‘testers’ and help me find the ‘bugs’ and share with me which other features you would like.

So my dear ones, keep your eyes out for the new launch of the ‘Trial Edition’ of my new site. I truly hope that it will be everything you ever needed and so much more.

Love to all,

JoAnn

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Responses

  1. Thank you JoAnn.
    Your site has been a life saver for me. You and all of the woman here have kept me warm during a very cold and trying time in my life. I have been one who has been lurking and not commenting, but even still, I feel like everyone here is a friend to me.
    Thank you!!!

  2. This new site sounds exciting and well worth $15 per month. I support the new concept and look forward to what it offers. It gives us girls better access to help each other through our experiences and rebuild faith in ourselves.

  3. Dear JoAnn,
    We will never know just how much you have given us with open hands and open heart. The sheer volume of emails you receive personally and answer must be daunting. Keeping the mechanics going here as well as keeping it sharp and interesting is a great gift we have received. And I think it is time for us to support you in this work.

    This is one of the few sites where we can question programs, share wisdom, speak of religion if we want but not be edited by it, tell our stories and ask for help, fall apart one day and put someone else back together the next, risk honesty, get a talking to if it’s time, affirmed as human beings of worth, encouraged to take ourselves seriously, lurk unseen for as long as we want, talk about hard topics, share resources and information, have breakthroughs right in front of the world, tell each other where it hurts, swear when there are no other words, apologize when we screw it up, and share the Light when it comes.

    I’m in, JoAnn. Bring it, sister.

    love,
    D.
    Ps. Just an idea. Maybe some of us could be “sponsors” for women in worse financial states? Cast your bread upon the waters and it will come back to you? It seems that you’ve been doing all the casting…maybe some of us could step up?

  4. JoAnn,
    Glad to hear the update, can’t wait to check it out. The fee sounds fine, and appears you would get a lot for your money. Thank you for all of your hard work.

  5. JoAnn,

    I would never be able to put into words the graditude I feel for you and your website. It has been a lifesaver for me in more ways than one. It is so comforting to share with each other and to know we are not the lone ranger. Growing up I always wanted to have a sister, now I have many. We care for and help each other so much. Thank you for making this all possible. I look forward to your new website and knowing you as I do-it will be great!

    Your friend and sister, NAP

  6. I’m delighted to hear of this!
    JoAnn, you are such a wonderful generous person, you are an inspiration.

    I like Dinane’s idea, that maybe some of us who are in a better financial position could help those who aren’t. Obviously early days yet, but when the time comes its an idea to look into.

  7. JoAnn

    Thank you, for this safe place that you have provided. Like many of us here, I really don’t know where I’d be without it. That being said, I wish there were something I could do to help and give back, to you. I am sure many of us would be willing to relieve the burden if there if something we can do. Please let me know. A donation perhaps?

  8. Dear Pam,

    How truly nice of you to be so understanding. I do have a little spot in the left hand side menu that allows people to give a donation. Several absolutely wonderful people have done so and I have put every penny into the development of the new site as well as the maintenance of and software purchase for this site.

    I really do appreciate any help, and that’s why I made the tough decision to make the new site a paid subscription site. The ongoing costs of website development and maintenance are much higher than even I imagined. Then, add in all the capabilities that my creative mind can imagine, and I have wound up with quite a monthly budget. Hopefully the monthly subscriptions will cover those costs.

    I am more than willing to give my time to this passion, as I have felt the need myself, but those damn recurring monetary costs can be a killer for anyone.

    Starry and Diane,

    I like your suggestion of a fund to help those who truly cannot afford the monthly cost. I do send free eBooks to those who write and who appear to really need the information but who hesitate to purchase them because of the cost. I thought I would quietly do the same with the subscription site. But, I think a visual fund (maybe a donation box right on the website with the amount available visibly showing) from donations from our members and myself would really be a wonderful touch. I’ll have to think on that one.

    I never worry that anyone would take advantage of our generosity. Women are so different from men (OMG–did this old hippie, feminist really say that?), but really, I would not expect one woman to ever accept a free eBook or a few months subscription to the website who truly did not need it. We are all sisters here and our arms are open to anyone who needs our help.

    Oh, by the way, the name of the new website is Sisterhood Of Support (S.O.S.)

    Thank you so much for your thoughts and ideas.

  9. JoAnn, you said “Women are so different from men (OMG–did this old hippie, feminist really say that?) …” regarding being taken advantage of.
    Maybe, it’s not so much whether women are so different from men. But that *someone who’s been betrayed* may be less likely to be dishonest. Who knows?!

    Bless you, JoAnn, for all your hardwork!! And I can’t wait to see Sisterhood of Support~

  10. Although I am happy to hear that the new site will be up and running, and I appreciate all you have done by creating this safe haven. I won’t be able to participate in the new boards. I just threw my SA out of the house, it is just my 23 month old and I on our own. He spent all of our money on hookers and porn. The little I had on the side I paid for my son’s funeral {my daughter’s twin brother}. I need knee surgery before I can get a job {I’m a stay at home mom to a preemie with special needs} and I wouldn’t be able to swing the extra $15 a month. I hope to continue to chat on here for the time being as I had been lurking and not posting until recently, and after D-day#3, I am in dire need of people to talk to {can’t afford a therapist}.

  11. Dear hurtheart,

    Don’t worry my dear, this site will still be here. We are all here for you. Just let us know how we can help you.

    The new site will probably be open and free for at least a month, so you are welcome to connect with others on that site also.

    JoAnn

  12. JoAnn Thank You for doing this. I have been on this site for 2 years & it has saved me.
    I love the idea of donating to help others that might not be able to afford the new website

  13. Hi JoAnn,

    Have a question-so there will be 2 websites, Married to a Sex Addict and the new one?

    Thanks, a bit confused

  14. Hi hurtheart,

    I would be happy to pay for your membership to the new website for one year. My deepest sympathy for the loss of your son. Im sorry for your suffering right now and hope you can get the knee surgery that you need.

    Your sister, NAP

  15. Thank you, JoAnn. I have only been coming to this site for a few days, but it has already been a Godsend to me. It has been a source of great hope for me in these first days since the “biggest” d-day my husband and I have ever had. I am sure it will continue to be a great comfort to me in the months to come. I think the new site sounds great and I think it will definitely be worth $15/month.

  16. NAP,

    Yes, there will be two websites. This one will continue, although I do plan to trim it down as it has become totally bloated and disorganized. There will be links and references to each other, but the two sites will function as separate entities.

  17. Thank you JoAnn and NAP for offering to pay for my membership. The kindness of strangers sometimes amazes me. I have been having a difficult day and have broken down several times in front of my little one, which is something I try not to do. But the pain has been too much…and I’m scared…

  18. Dearest hurtheart,

    We all understand your pain. Just know that you have an entire community of women here who truly understand you, value you and love you.

    ((((group hug)))))

  19. Hi All,

    I think there is another Mary on this sight…I see another comment above that was not from me….Best I get a different handle? I’ve been thinking about it anyway………Honestly, I’ve been here since September and have never seen any other Mary yet besides myself….

    ???

    the “other” Mary

  20. Hi Mary,

    I checked my data base and the Mary that made the comment above is a ‘new’ Mary. I checked back pretty far and it looks like that is her only comment.

    That would be great if you changed your user name to avoid confusion. Thanks for being so considerate.

  21. Hi JoAnn,

    All changed…the busy thread yesterday presented what I felt was a good time to switch. I thank you for all you have put into this site for all of us. Having started building my own web a year ago (which has been on hold due to the upset in my life since last May) I know first hand the amount of work needed to build a site, and can only imagine how crazy it is to maintain one as active as this one has become.

    Without caring people like you, those of us trying to make sense out of ANY thing to do with sex addiction would be really lost and alone. Thank you for recognizing the need and taking action. You are a very special person indeed JoAnn…

    I am looking forward to the new site, but like some others, will not know if I will be able to afford it on a regular basis. 15.00 does not seem like a lot to many but when you’ve little to start with, 15.00 can be the single link between Milk and bread and the next SS deposit.

    Yesterday’s active thread revealed some interesting facts to me… it seems overwhelmingly that many of us were “preyed” upon in one form or another by our SA’s initially…by that I mean we are all very strong, intelligent and emotionally independent women and I think these men saw that and capitalized on that because of their lack of emotional development. My SA is a 6 year old…he was a Mommies boy and even at 46, was taking his wash to his mother every week for her to do claiming she wanted to do his wash…Truth is, he was right…she coddled him forever…she did EVERYTHING for him. He was perfect in her eyes. He often says anymore that his Mother was the only person who loved him unconditionally. I see a common link to all of us on here and that is these needy men saw our strength and vulnerability and like camelions, altered themselves just so, in that we would feel like they were our knights in shining armour and would run into their arms…reality had it that they were just looking for another Mother figure. They took from us until we have all been drained, emotionally, physically and financially yet still have the gal to claim their undying love, need and desire to be with us still. Even after 9 months away, my SA’s life is no different. I pointed out yesterday that if all his “meetings” went away, he’s still be the same person he was before. He’d still be following me everywhere I went. He’d still be expecting to piggy back on my personal accomplishments, friends, activities and life. He’s always thought himself so great, so deserving, that I should read, research, share and do all for him. He even said while in counseling a couple years ago, that why should he do anything new, learn anything new, or find a life of his own when I’ve done all the work and he can just hop on my back for the ride…I told him just yesterday that if we lived together today, he in fact would still be doing those very things…At least this time he didn’t deny it. But he doesn’t stop saying how he’s changed! I think because of the quality of women we are, the dignity and integrity we all uphold in our lives, they single us out and want us to provide them with the image they so eagerly want and desire. It is “our” lives they want, our image they want, they use us as their smoke screens to hide their crimes behind. Without us they would be nothing, remain nothing and would probably die a very slow death being exposed for who they really are. I think that is why so many blame us the way they do, because they’ve capitalized on every facet of our lives to the point I think they really do believe they are good men. These whores, prostitutes and the likes they go to allow them to live their true selves…but they hide behind the decent women they found in all of us. They take our image instead of their own…and without us, they have to find yet another intelligent and decent woman to hopefully carry out what our jobs once were. The irony with my SA is his one and only wife cheated on him, left him for another man..in fact after their separation she announced she was pregnant by the other man. He claimed so devistated and heart broken as a result of her cheating the entire time we were together…Has told me the story time and again how he struggled so after catching her and has used that for the majority of our relationship as his reason for being unable to commit….How unusual a circumstance for this sex addict. I believe now, he left her because her image was now tarnished and he didn’t have that perfect woman he could hide his crimes behind any longer. I believe he couldn’t handle seeing himself and worse, every time he looked in her face………

    Where the similiarities between are SA’s are uncanny at times, I am beginning to see many similiarities between us spouses and partners of sa’s too…. I hope I will be able to participate in the new site. Will we be able to join as funds permit? meaning if we can not pay for one month, will we be able to join the next if we can afford it? or will it have to be consistent each and every month.

    Thanks again for all you do and are doing..

    Blessings,

    Mary/Phyllis

  22. Mary/Phyllis,

    You are so right…..
    I was strong, independent, my own condo, own good job, had a life, have a family…etc. I did not need the SA. But SA portrayed himself to be the one. Fit exactly what i was looking for in my next spouse. And due to the fact that i was independent and did take care of myself, i continued to do so even when we married, and he attached himself to be like a leach. It happened slowly but over time he has sucked the life out of me. I helped him save save save. All to find that the money which was saved by combining things, allowed him to just work less. He laid on strong the i love you’s and affection; to cover the fact that he never helped out. It worked for a while, but no more.

    My SA is so much like yours. He says the same thing. I have changed, i am going to meetings..i am working now. Look at what i am doing now. But keep in mind what he is doing now is about 50% of what he should be doing, compared to the nothing he was doing before. But sorry still not enough….and what are you gonna do for your screw-ups in the past and where you took advantage of me…knowing 100% that that is exactly what you are doing.

    He admitted. We spoke about how someone like him can sit around and do nothing because i did everything. He said he wanted to help but he did not. Weakest words in the world, i guess the good excuses were already used.

    So yes i think mary has a major point here that i see in my story. Strong self sufficient women is who we really are. Some may not think they are…but really think…think back to before you met your SA. I bet you were not.

    SA like to attach themselves to someone normal and strong. Just as mary said. We are what is normal in their life.

  23. Flora-
    I think you are right about the type of partner SAs look for as a mate. My SAH loves to be adored and hates any kind of critism. Also, the two years before Dday, he doted on me: brought me flowers at work almost every week; brought me lunch several times a week, and even started driving me to work “so we could have that time together.” Now I know he was just trying to cover up his actions, and he did a great job of it. My friends and coworkers so envied me. I was blindsided by the sex addict diagnosis. I have changed, though, and I know it was necessary to change but sometimes I don’t like some of the changes. Now I have secrets and motives that I need to take care of me. That is not how I want to live, but how I am forced to live at this time.