JoAnn, thank you so much for this website. It is extremely difficult to find information for the partners of SA and reading through others posts has so far been so helpful to know I am not the only one going through all this. I find myself consistently second guessing my sanity. There are so many posts that I read I have to wonder if they were actually in a relationship with my husband, cause the scenario was so on target I could of written it myself. I apologize for the length this story became! I tried to keep it short but once I started I could not stop!
I discovered that my husband was a SA in Aug 09 and like all the others he cried and begged me to give him a chance. He promised to stop and do whatever I needed him to do in order to keep us together. That lasted all of a week I am guessing, cause it wasn’t long after that I found him online again in fetish websites conversing and meeting up with any woman that would give him the time of day.
On this second discovery he admitted he had a problem that he could not control himself and we went to a counselor that supposedly specified in the disease. He manipulated every session and we got nowhere. Needless to say when I caught him at it a third time, I made the decision to leave him and moved out on New Years day.
Even with proof right in front of my eyes and his, he had the nerve to insult my intelligence and deny he was doing anything at all! He still to this day denies he ever slept with anyone, but considering after I moved out my old neighbors told me he had woman after woman over at his house, he set up mood lighting under his bed, and candles all over the house and started drinking heavily, I believe that he didn’t sleep with these woman as much as I believe I could pick him up and throw him with one hand.
My most recent saga with him came this summer. In early June he started to share with me that he was in counseling and on medication and learning a lot about himself, why he does what he does and how sorry he was for the pain he put me through and begged me to give him another chance.
I put him off and refused to go back to him for about a month. After a month of him calling and talking with him, I did see an improvement and total change in his personality; I found it promising and decided to give it a shot. My only request to him was that he did not mess with my head, he needed to continue with his counseling and no more lies, and he promised he would never do anything to hurt me again.
It started off great, but lasted all for a month and a half when I started to see all the same old warning signs. I was suspecting he was lying again, hiding things, disappearing for hours on end and making up the same lame excuse over and over again as to where he was and why I couldn’t reach him.
The final straw came in mid October when I drove 4 hours away to drop our son off at my Mom’s for a week, he tried to convince me that I shouldn’t try to do the drive all in one day…I should stay the night and then on my way home stop at his work and we could do lunch together…how sweet, right?
Well, I didn’t stay the night and never did get around to letting him know that I was on the way home. Needless to say about 15 minutes into my drive, his phone pocket dialed me and I picked up expecting that he was calling me to see what I was doing, but instead I over heard him having a sweet little loving flirty conversation with another woman. He finally realized what had happened, hung up the phone and seconds later called me back. Tried to tell me he was out with bunch of work ppl and that he was doing nothing wrong. I hung up on him and 5 minutes later tried to call him back, but at this point he had turned off his phone, wouldn’t call me, wouldn’t answer my texts and just never came home at all for the entire night.
The next morning he sent me a text like he thought it was going to be so easy just to say I am sorry, I know I messed up, feeble attempts to explain it all away and everything was going to be peachy keen and I was going to believe every lie out of his mouth and stick by his side.
What he did to me was no worse than walking in on him sleeping with someone else, and he can’t UNDERSTAND how I ever could have thought that he was out all night screwing someone else??? I can not begin to explain the extreme anger that I have from him dragging me back into his warped messed up life, promising me that he was going to prove to me and my family that he was going to be the best husband in the world to me and make up for all the wrong doing that he had done.
I was moving on, making friends and getting out and enjoying my life again and now I am back at square one and I despise him for doing this to me, yet again. He currently claims that he is back on his medication, which I know is a lie, cause he is still acting like the controlling ass that he always was and nothing like he did in early summer when he was really was on the medication. From what I can gather through his actions he is back at it in full force and lying to me about it every step of the way.
I feel like he has this internal need to destroy me at every opportunity he can get. I feel like he hates me more than he hates every whore he ever hooked up with and I feel like the last 10 years of my life were wasted on a man that kept promising me his love and devotion all the while he was stabbing me in the back.
I feel like he chose me as his next victim cause of my easy nature and blind trust of other ppl. I used to like who I was, now I am nothing but angry all the time. I am not only disgusted and angry with him, I am disgusted and angry with myself. I had every red flag in the book thrown in my face and for the first 5 years of our marriage, I always had a gut feeling something just was not right with him and could never prove anything and he was so good at making me think I was just insecure and paranoid.
I was on antidepressants due to him and in counseling before I ever even married him, and I have yet been able to go back and understand WHY I went through with that marriage. Why did I not run?? I do not trust men, I do not believe in love anymore, I have no idea who I am and how to move on with my life.
I can not say anything nice to that man, I want him to be miserable from my never ending bitching at him as much as he has made me miserable. I wish I could just walk away from him and never think of him again, but I do not know how.
We also have a young child together and according to 2 lawyers i spoke to, I have little to zero case of getting my son away from that man as a court would find that what he does on his own time is his business. Unless I can provide concrete evidence that he is severely putting my son in harms way, I won’t win.
So basically I have to wait until he screws my child up as much as he is in order for me to get full custody and that makes me even madder and more determined to make his life hell so he will just want to move away as far away from me as possible. So long as my son is still spending time with his father, I do not know how I will ever be able to stop harassing him, spying on him, throwing all his lies in his face with my proof to show him i know what a lying idiot he really is.
I do not know what to do at this point, he is a 49 yr old man that has been doing this for the last 20 years, he was on the right path, we were on the right path and he spit it all up in my face again. So I do not see any hope for him ever getting better, I feel like I have no control over what happens to my child and SA is in so much denial he thinks that he would never put him in a situation that he would ever know what his daddy was doing. Give me a break. He is an addict and thinks of no one but himself . Thank you so much for letting me vent.