Jill’s Story–We Were On the Right Path Then He Spit It All In My Face

JoAnn, thank you so much for this website. It is extremely difficult to find information for the partners of SA and reading through others posts has so far been so helpful to know I am not the only one going through all this. I find myself consistently second guessing my sanity. There are so many posts that I read I have to wonder if they were actually in a relationship with my husband, cause the scenario was so on target I could of written it myself. I apologize for the length this story became! I tried to keep it short but once I started I could not stop!

I discovered that my husband was a SA in Aug 09 and like all the others he cried and begged me to give him a chance. He promised to stop and do whatever I needed him to do in order to keep us together. That lasted all of a week I am guessing, cause it wasn’t long after that I found him online again in fetish websites conversing and meeting up with any woman that would give him the time of day.

On this second discovery he admitted he had a problem that he could not control himself and we went to a counselor that supposedly specified in the disease. He manipulated every session and we got nowhere. Needless to say when I caught him at it a third time, I made the decision to leave him and moved out on New Years day.

Even with proof right in front of my eyes and his, he had the nerve to insult my intelligence and deny he was doing anything at all! He still to this day denies he ever slept with anyone, but considering after I moved out my old neighbors told me he had woman after woman over at his house, he set up mood lighting under his bed, and candles all over the house and started drinking heavily, I believe that he didn’t sleep with these woman as much as I believe I could pick him up and throw him with one hand.

My most recent saga with him came this summer. In early June he started to share with me that he was in counseling and on medication and learning a lot about himself, why he does what he does and how sorry he was for the pain he put me through and begged me to give him another chance.

I put him off and refused to go back to him for about a month. After a month of him calling and talking with him, I did see an improvement and total change in his personality; I found it promising and decided to give it a shot. My only request to him was that he did not mess with my head, he needed to continue with his counseling and no more lies, and he promised he would never do anything to hurt me again.

It started off great, but lasted all for a month and a half when I started to see all the same old warning signs. I was suspecting he was lying again, hiding things, disappearing for hours on end and making up the same lame excuse over and over again as to where he was and why I couldn’t reach him.

The final straw came in mid October when I drove 4 hours away to drop our son off at my Mom’s for a week, he tried to convince me that I shouldn’t try to do the drive all in one day…I should stay the night and then on my way home stop at his work and we could do lunch together…how sweet, right?

Well, I didn’t stay the night and never did get around to letting him know that I was on the way home. Needless to say about 15 minutes into my drive, his phone pocket dialed me and I picked up expecting that he was calling me to see what I was doing, but instead I over heard him having a sweet little loving flirty conversation with another woman. He finally realized what had happened, hung up the phone and seconds later called me back. Tried to tell me he was out with bunch of work ppl and that he was doing nothing wrong. I hung up on him and 5 minutes later tried to call him back, but at this point he had turned off his phone, wouldn’t call me, wouldn’t answer my texts and just never came home at all for the entire night.

The next morning he sent me a text like he thought it was going to be so easy just to say I am sorry, I know I messed up, feeble attempts to explain it all away and everything was going to be peachy keen and I was going to believe every lie out of his mouth and stick by his side.

What he did to me was no worse than walking in on him sleeping with someone else, and he can’t UNDERSTAND how I ever could have thought that he was out all night screwing someone else??? I can not begin to explain the extreme anger that I have from him dragging me back into his warped messed up life, promising me that he was going to prove to me and my family that he was going to be the best husband in the world to me and make up for all the wrong doing that he had done.

I was moving on, making friends and getting out and enjoying my life again and now I am back at square one and I despise him for doing this to me, yet again. He currently claims that he is back on his medication, which I know is a lie, cause he is still acting like the controlling ass that he always was and nothing like he did in early summer when he was really was on the medication. From what I can gather through his actions he is back at it in full force and lying to me about it every step of the way.

I feel like he has this internal need to destroy me at every opportunity he can get. I feel like he hates me more than he hates every whore he ever hooked up with and I feel like the last 10 years of my life were wasted on a man that kept promising me his love and devotion all the while he was stabbing me in the back.

I feel like he chose me as his next victim cause of my easy nature and blind trust of other ppl. I used to like who I was, now I am nothing but angry all the time. I am not only disgusted and angry with him, I am disgusted and angry with myself. I had every red flag in the book thrown in my face and for the first 5 years of our marriage, I always had a gut feeling something just was not right with him and could never prove anything and he was so good at making me think I was just insecure and paranoid.

I was on antidepressants due to him and in counseling before I ever even married him, and I have yet been able to go back and understand WHY I went through with that marriage. Why did I not run?? I do not trust men, I do not believe in love anymore, I have no idea who I am and how to move on with my life.

I can not say anything nice to that man, I want him to be miserable from my never ending bitching at him as much as he has made me miserable. I wish I could just walk away from him and never think of him again, but I do not know how.

We also have a young child together and according to 2 lawyers i spoke to, I have little to zero case of getting my son away from that man as a court would find that what he does on his own time is his business. Unless I can provide concrete evidence that he is severely putting my son in harms way, I won’t win.

So basically I have to wait until he screws my child up as much as he is in order for me to get full custody and that makes me even madder and more determined to make his life hell so he will just want to move away as far away from me as possible. So long as my son is still spending time with his father, I do not know how I will ever be able to stop harassing him, spying on him, throwing all his lies in his face with my proof to show him i know what a lying idiot he really is.

I do not know what to do at this point, he is a 49 yr old man that has been doing this for the last 20 years, he was on the right path, we were on the right path and he spit it all up in my face again. So I do not see any hope for him ever getting better, I feel like I have no control over what happens to my child and SA is in so much denial he thinks that he would never put him in a situation that he would ever know what his daddy was doing. Give me a break. He is an addict and thinks of no one but himself . Thank you so much for letting me vent.

Jill

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Responses

  1. Welcome Jill,
    and thank you for sharing the hard story of your life with the SA.

    I’m so deeply troubled by the child custody issues for so many of the women on this site. I would really like us to do some lobbying around the SA and court-ordered vists etc. There has to be a way into this issue for you and other mothers–some of whom are driven to stay with the SA just so they have more control over what happens to their children when the SA is around. We need a legal expert and a child psychologist to take up this cause and be its champion in the public arena. Any contacts, anyone?

    Meanwhile Jill, you did everything you could to give this guy a chance to get his shit together. All he seems to have done is dump it on you. He sure sees far gone. I hope you are still getting some kind of counselling support. Take one step at a time and you find one day find your life is going in a different direction. Trust yourself on this thing.

    lots of light,
    Diane.

  2. Oh Jill,

    (((hugs))) and sorry you have the need to be here, but glad that you are.

    You are not the only one, and it is an all-too-familiar hideous situation. Your anger is more than justified and I don’t understand how someone who is so sick can be allowed to have anything to do with a child. You must be completely distraught– I felt sick reading this.

    However, as enraging as it is, and as difficult as it is… I feel compelled to caution you based on my own horrid experience with one of these dudes. Making his life a living hell is certainly understandable, however, in the eyes of the law, it could be construed as harassment from an extremely unbalanced, psychotic, unfit mother (this is not true, of course, but he could try to make a case) and he could sue YOU for full custody and TAKE your child away from you completely, if you continue. I know… unspeakably gross.

    THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS, so please do whatever you must to protect yourself AND your child. I would have as little contact as possible with him and to be as civil as possible.

    He’s a freight train, hun. Kill him with kindness and stay out of harm’s way.

    vent here— all ya want… letterrip— BLOGGING is helpful too.. Anonymously tell the whole damned world what a selfish, arrogant, soul sucking, hideous PRICK he really is. I did, and it was immensely cathartic.

    He’s a narcissist, honey. He cannot fathom all the hideous things you are telling him he is. (and we know that he really is) He cannot hear the TRUTH about himself. His psycho brain has convinced himself that he’s a “good guy” and “he loves you.” In HIS fekked up mind, YOU are the hystrionic, crazy, psycho, pathological deviant, not poor little ol’ him who’s on the receiving end of this horrible abuse.

    All my best,

    Lorraine

  3. Dear Jill,

    I am really glad you shared your story. Like so many of us on this site w/young children, it makes getting away from a dangerous person, an SA with major issues, complicated to say the least. If I can make suggestion — please listen to Lorraine’s suggestion. Be civil, smile, pretend you are at Charm school when you have to talk to him. Not only will it protect you from HIM having anything to throw against you in court, it will be so satisfying. Smile. Fake that you are happy. Put on lipstick. It will darn near kill’ em. What? She’s happy with out me? They can’t even fathom the thought. Oh the puzzled look on their narcissistic sicko faces when we do well without them, it is bedazzling, precious. the best revenge is success. Our success.

    Like you Jill, I often get so angry for being with this guy for so long. Chance after chance, promises promises. They are so convincingly good when they want to be. so? you gave a man you loved and the father of your child an opportunity to prove himself. He failed. That’s all, he failed. Not you. Let him go. You can quickly return to that nice life you were building. embrace yourself, and build. Please post often. Love and support.

  4. I am a lawyer. I have fantisized about doing crazy things to get revenge. Then I think, “What would I tell my client?” Don’t do it of course!

    This is where this crazymaking takes us-where we never thought we’d go. My self-esteem: what’s that?

    I was suicidal. When a client has told me of similar abuse in the past,I’d tell them to just go and let me help you. Also, I thought before I met my husband I would never put up with such nonsense. But, I did. I didn’t turn around and go the other way.

    Like Jill, in many ways I am easygoing and soft-hearted. Some people see such traits as a weakness and exploit them. In my work, I expect that and have appropriate defenses up.

    My husband: I would never have really guessed the depth and filth of his cess-pool. Sure, it’s easy to look back with the facts we have now and say to ourselves that certain things were red flags. Perhaps, but just as easily many incongruencies we have in relationships are really no big deal and turn out to be simple miscommunication, etc.

    I feel that we are basically like the trusting old lady who sees a guy in a postal uniform ring her doorbell: of course we open the door, because it appears the postman is there to deliver a package or letter. But then, the postman rips his plastic face away and opens his mouth and we see the biggest ugliest fangs and claws. It’s a monster, a robber, a rapist a soul-sucker! No, it’s my husband.

    NFW we get PTSD.

    I am really thinking about pushing the “nuclear” button and filing for DEFAULT Divorce. I am going to ask for his penis on a platter with all the trimmings (figuratively speaking of course).

  5. Help!!!!!!!!!!!I just found out my husband skipped his SA group meeting to have sex with someone…How do I not let this get the best of me!

    thanks in advance

  6. NAP, So sorry! I know this just pisses you off but also hurts and disappoints you too. I agree- change the locks. Be done!

  7. Hi Jill,

    I can totally relate to feeling that much rage. It makes sense to be angry when someone has betrayed and misled you. There is a story about Elie Weisel telling his rabbi that he wanted to hurt the SS guards who hurt him in the concentration camps; it was taking over his life completely. The rabbi said, after a moment of silence, it’s easy to become that which we hate.

    The times I feel the most rage are when my soon-to-be-ex starts taking his anger out on my disabled son. He’s passive-aggressive to an extreme but will deny it. I told him that I’m finished with this ‘relationship’ after a year’s worth of counseling and much patience on my part. I just don’t want to spend what little time I have left with my son playing stupid games. I can’t look after him if I feel suicidal.

    It will be difficult financially and emotionally on my own but it’s a sight better than the brutal emotional roller coaster I’m on now. My son and I deserve better! Jill, you do too. All of us do. No one is going to make it better for us unless we do the work.

  8. Hi Jill,

    Thanks for sharing your story….I could feel your rage build up as you expressed yourself and the behaviors of your “wonderful” SA….My rage grew with you….I thought I wrote many parts of what you said. Your story resonates with me from start to finish, because I’m in the “I’m so changed.. I’ve been sober, I’ve been honest” part and I am waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me at any moment. My intuition has and continues to say otherwise and I quickly found out last summer that the only time my intuition is wrong is when I don’t listen to it!!! Like your SA, my SA is demonstrating all the same old behaviors, in fact never demonstrated anything different!! and it infuriates me that he thinks his stinking words are good enough to “show change”… I think that makes me madder than anything else! That he thinks I’m stupid enough to believe ANYthing he says when I’ve caught him in more lies and continue to catch him in more lies. He’s proving nothing and his actions are the same as always…but he’s changed….YEAH right. I told him recently how he’s mastered the art of bullshitting his way through life.

    It bothers me that your SA can still put his sleazy hands on your children though…but sadly I discovered long ago that the courts are not about what’s right and wrong, but about whose got the most money to pay their attorney. Keep checking around though, get different opinions…don’t give up or give in. Try to keep the faith. I thought I’d read in a post here awhile back how a woman DID get her son away from her SA…but please, don’t give up.

    I further agree with all of you who said that our expressions of anger and betrayal…our reactions to the lies and deceit and the mess these ass holes have made of our lives leave us being perceived as “bitches” with anger problems….I just went through all that with my family during the holiday….Joked about my SA, going on and on about other family members problems and then talking between themselves about me having an anger problem, me changed to some mean bitch… etc….Fuck them all I say…..I barely made it through the holidays and did so by a tread…I’ve felt inches away from a complete nervous breakdown and it was all I could do to come out of my bedroom much less prepare their Christmas Dinner…I just talked to a friend last night I’d not spoken to for awhile and his comment was “If a guy is going to have a sex addiction he needs to keep it with his wife”….A very clear example of how most people have NO clue what sex addiction is………so why should anybody take us serious over what these men have put us through! (sarcasim :-(….)

    Hang in there Jill, know you have found a place here where you will be heard, understood and supported. We are all in different places with our SA’s but our struggles all stay on the same page overall. We do deserve better as Marian has said…we all get explanation after explanation after explanation from these jerks…My SA has mastered “explaining things away” as you could not have more appropriately termed.

    NAP, I am so sorry this has happened to you…It sucks, totally sucks and I’m sure you are devastated and hurting. We all want to believe these lying leaches and it hurts to be victimized again and again and again. Facing the reality that my SA is not going to be in the 3% that actually finds recovery from this nightmare is the hardest of all of this to accept.

    God speed to all..

    Mary

  9. Hi Jill,

    Im sorry for all the pain you have felt and are feeling about your SA husband. From my own story and many of our sisters stories, it seems to be a never ending stream of lies, deception, cheating, irrational behavior, poor judgement, and emotional and sometimes physical abuse of us-their loving partner or wife.

    Im only in this 3 months after discovery, been married 25 years, but I understand the misery you feel. My husband does the same kinds of behaviors and then thinks hes the invisible man-no one notices…he pretends everything is AOK and lies, lies, lies. My therapist says he’s morally bankrupt and I would have to totally agree.

    I get angry too but realize it makes things even worse-causes chaos in the home (really hurts the kids) and gives him a reason to act out again, not feel his feelings and it steal time away from me. All not worth it. Im trying to only focus on myself and be in a really good place because as we all know they rip us to shreds of who we used to be. I am in the process of making an exit plan to leave. I have a really good therapist and hope you do too. I think its so important to have one if you are able to.

    Jill, you left once and was enjoying getting your life back. You can do that again. I wish you all the best.

  10. Hi all,

    Thanks for the good advice. Im recovered now from the latest blow. I wrote a short story to help me cope:

    My Life With A Sex Addict by NAP

    Once upon a time there was a man who had sex with everyone but his wife. The End.

  11. Okay so much to write.

    Jill, I was on anti-depresents too when I married my SA. I was on them because of the drag on the relationship which was the self centered narcisist (and underlying sex addiction) which I did not know about. It was chalked up to SAD and self confidence/trust issues. Low and behold the depression was caused by myslef in reality. I was depressed because I was choosing to stay in a relationship which was bad for me, even though the SA professed his love and appeared to be kind an affectionate. There in lies the maddness created by it all. But I did not listen to myself, so apprantly that is what happens. Even though I am going through some of the worst times in my life, i now have no trouble sleeping and not even an inkling that i need anti-depresents.

    I think when there is the initial d-day, we try to forgive and move on…they pretend to get better, if they do it again…the lying and the acting out; i feel there is very little chance to get back together. This is because we have already been hit by a mac truck, we start cleaning up the mess, and then the shattered peices get run over again and not they are fragements difficult to pick up; and sometimes it happens again in some cases. Hard to ever beleive in someone who does that to you ever again. Such is my case, d-day once, lied, d-day a second time.

    Kids and addiction topic. this one still boggles my mind. After we hear story after story of drugs, alchohal and the neglect of children that typically goes hand in hand; I just can;t fathom why…the children and the wife are to maintain a household with an addict. I truely have never heard a postive story come about of growing up in a family with an alchoholic or drug addict. Quite frankly i think it should be recommended that when addictions are found in a family unit; the addict should be removed from the home, until all or both are proven better. I cannot see what an added benefit to having an addict in a household really provides the kids. The key here is the kids, it does not matter what we think or feel. In the throws of addiction an addict is not capable of making correct choices, or maybe they are and just choose not to. I know this would be radical and how do you fund such a thing, but think about it. What good does haveing an addict in a family provide the children. And to boot, the wife may be is such throws of co-dependency, that she too is not choosing correctly for herself or the children. The spouse on the other hand is not engagning in activitires that directly hurt the children. But if the focus is removed, counseling and support is provided to all; everyone has a chance for a better life. This is just my view.

    NAP-OMG. He skipped a meeting to go have sex? What is your situation now? PS, like your story, like the less is more approach :-).

  12. Jill, I can completely relate to everything you have written. Narcissism is the best term in which to describe these “men”. I also have a small child, and the thought of her having to call this THING her father makes me sick to my stomach, not to mention the effect it shall have on her when she’s old enough to realize her “daddy” is nothing more than a perverted, selfish, sick person who would prefer a parade of diseased prostitute vulva’s as opposed to a loving and caring family. I have talked to a lawyer as well, trying to point out that he can bring home diseases to her {she’s a preemie and he has already put her health at risk}, that he can expose her to sick and disgusting porn on the computer {I’m talking SICK}, that his inability to show any emotion besides anger can be devastating to the mental development of a growing little girl. My cries fell on deaf ears, none of it means anything. It’s horrible. And it makes you, me, US women as the victims even more trapped in this never-ending nightmare that we didn’t ask for. I am still in the angry phase, but I am trying to get out of it, as I have caught him trying to make ME out to be a problem. I’m too smart for that.
    They are nothing more than lying liars who lie and that’s all they will ever be. I have heard of some success stories, but I know that mine will not be one of them.

  13. Hi Flora,

    My situation is Im very actively starting my exit plan. He’s a malignant narcissist. It will take me a while to get it all together-hes soooo sick. Thanks for asking and Im glad you liked my story!

  14. Jill and NAP,

    My heart hurts for ya’ll. I swear, I get alittle PTSD just reading about the stuff these idiots do! I work with abused children and their parents. I was a severely abused child, but working with them is not at all like living with my husband.

    My God, my feelings vascillate from day to day and lately from hour to hour. I just keep thinking about how someone said to vent on here. So I do. It helps and I keep praying God help me remeber this too shall pass.

    Marian said she cannot look after her son if she feels suicidal. Boy, can I relate. My responsibility for my children has been the only thing that dragged me from the edge at times.

    Generally, I feel much better than before my husband was arrested and we separated. But, I still have some really tough days. He did a number on what self-esteem and confidence I had.

    We are whole ladies, were before we met them and we still are, even though at times it seems they have hollowed us out-they cannot take the essence of which is God inside each and every one of us. Too bad they cannot see that.

    NAP, I am glad you are making an exit plan. For a long time I was frozen and couldn’t make any decisions at all-months or a year maybe. That is not the me I know since I had always been a real-go-get-erdone kind of person.

    It is wonderful to take that anger, thaw it and use it toward your own self-preservation and welfare.

    Thank You ladies, pain shared is pain halved. Hey, there’s more than two of us on this site so it looks like I am getting a whole lot of pain-relief!

    I have to tell ya’ll later about a stupid idea I had, but decided not to do it since it was-well crazy, though legal, it was below my moral standards. But I REALLY considered it. LOL!!!

  15. I have young children with a SA too. I chose my marriage, and to have children because my addict was working on recovery. Still that doesn’t doesn’t keep me from idiot proofing my kids. (the sa being the idiot). Until the child is a little older and can understand more about moral issues… you’ll have to watch them for signs of acting out, confusion, abuse, etc. Let them know that any behaviors they pick up from their dad aren’t tolerated in your home. Document everything you discover from your husband. Things he says and does. Let the judge know that he is a playboy with specific details and that you fear for your young kids in that environment. You may be able to restrict overnight visits, or even get supervised visits until they are older. When they do grow up be open about porn outlets, why it is bad news, how we need to respect others. Talk to them about physical abuse and don’t gloss it over. Let them know flat out what you find is acceptable or not. As they hit puberty talk to them about how to control their own desires. And most of all be open to them, listen to everything they tell you, build a relationship of trust with them so that they will talk to you when it’s most important. And just know… my sister-in-law has an ex that is into all that crap… and the kids see right through him. They find him disgusting. They’ll figure it out. Just be there for them to talk through it.

  16. d-day #3 just happened in this house, and I sit here at 2:00am while my 23 month old sleeps, waiting for my “husband’s” parents to pick him up and remove him from the house permanently. I cannot take any more. I cannot. The things that he has done are disgusting and my eyes are shedding 10000 tears of regret for ever having met this piece of shit and furthermore, having a child with him.

    Someone please help me.

  17. Hurtheart,
    Hugs!! You have done the right thing looking after yourself! I know it’s tough and the pain you’re in seems overwhelming but you’re going to get through this. I promise.
    Don’t beat yourself up. He chose to act the way he does; this is his problem completely. You need to be there for your child and yourself. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. We need to give ourselves permission to do exactly that. Be very gentle with yourself. Give yourself what you need to feel good. You deserve it. We all do.
    Then go out and buy a copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves. Read it over a cup of tea/coffee and a treat. You might be glad you did. More hugs!
    Marian

  18. Peace be with you, Hurtheart. Do be kind to yourself and feel your feelings. Don’t stay alone. Have a friend come over, even if just to be there with you and not talk.

  19. Dearest Hurtheart…

    ((((((BIG hugs))))))….. Hang in there…don’t loose faith. You are doing the right thing by throwing his sorry ass out. You will feel better in the end for doing this! You will find you will feel more at peace with his not living there and you and your child having your own “Space”….It was my savings grace when I left my SA’s contaminated butt and made him pay for me to have my own little place. Like Marian said, be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself….I got news from my SA last night also of a relapse….it only served to disgust me further. In fact, I was so proud of myself….I responded by NOT responding to his email of admittance of a relapse that occurred a flippin week…WEEK ago already…..It only showed me how I am hardening off this piece of shit. Every week it’s something and he explains “himself away” and moves on as if once explained it’s all gone and all over and all just “matter of fact”. There was a time where I’d flip out, now I seem a bit more unscathed and a lot more revolted as I look through his lies and bullshit, like looking through a window…maybe I’m just finally accepting what I knew from the start but had hoped wud be the exception rather than the rule… They are animals Hurt! and not the kind you want to snuggle up with…vicious animals, predators……Be strong…it’s hard at times yes, but you can and will do it for yourself and your child.

    Praying for your peace,

    Mary

  20. Hurtheart,
    Sorry you are on your third discovery, must be very painful. My sa is living with his parents, its a good fit for now, cost is low. They can take care of him for a while, after all this was formed under their care. You know you hit the wall, and you cannot do anymore with him the house. He has trampled over you for the last time, we understand. This is just a phase to get him out and give you some space, it can be permanent, temporary, or three years. Who knows, whatever happens happens. But atleast this way you get the space from all of this crazy that you need. I know this is a sad thing, but I am happy for you. You will feel better, in a week, then better even after the second week and so on. I am happy you will now get what you need. We spend so much time thinking about what is best for him, the kids, the family, looks to everyone else, we rarely take care of ourselves. Staying with an active addict is nothing but re-traumatizing yourself every year or few months, Not worth it. I will be thinking of you today and over the next weeks. keep us posted. Be strong. /hugs.
    Remember this is a postive step, good for you!!!

  21. Hurtheart, (((hugs))) Sending you lots of love and care. Please let yourself grieve and feel the pain, then wipe those tears, take a deep breath and hold your head high. That is the very best you can do for your child! I have to tell you that I went through so many d days, year after year, that I became totally numb- couldn’t even cry anymore. I have been on antidepressants for over 10 years now for anxiety and panic attacks. I believe that is from stuffing it all down and hiding his secret for him- from letting him run all over me and my children and just standing there, numb. I used to be very pretty- now I am 60 lbs overweight ( I believe I have been eating my feelings away too) and with lots of grey in my hair LOL! Please take care of yourself and get some perspective before you jump back into it. It is a long road with these men. And yes, he was the love of my life..

  22. Thank you so much ladies. Your responses have truly comforted me, and I am in dire need of comfort. He is gone, but cannot stay with his parents as they live 3 hours away from his job. Still, I put my foot down and said I would not have him here. So I assume he will be bunking with a friend. He tried to do his usual lying routine when his parents came here, playing the “I don’t remember, I don’t know” card, until I threw all the newest evidence into his face and the horrified faces of his poor parents, then threatened to call his job and alert them as to what he does while he’s there if he didn’t fess up to that little tidbit as well.
    I shed many tears he shed none.
    I hope that my tears will stop in time.
    I hope that he has a happy life living with his perverted thoughts and disgusting behavior.
    I have some things I could use in court that can actually help me in aiding to keep him out of my daughters life
    Sad thing, I have nowhere to live, and I need knee surgery. I also need a heart surgeon. I cannot believe this turned out to be my life. And I cannot believe that this is the father of my child. He is a MONSTER.
    Thanks again guys, you may see me back to do some more venting, because I do not want my daughter to see my cry anymore.

  23. Dear HurtHeart,

    I’m so sorry this has happened. You have done the right thing, you need space to heal yourself. I am angry for you, that you cried, and he didn’t. That shows you what he feels doesn’t it?

    I know it doesn’t seem like it, but things will work out somehow.
    You vent and cry all you need to.

    Big hugs
    Starry

  24. Hi hurtheart,

    Just wanted you to know Im thinking of you. What you did took alot of courage and I admire your strenghth to do the right thing for yourself and your child. I hope you are doing okay and we are here for you.

  25. Dear Hurtheart:

    I want your heart to hurt no more! So sorry. At least the source of your pain has been removed from your home. Revel in it. Keep good company. Don’t be alone. Look at your sleeping toddler and think what a strong and wonderful mom she has. You are!

    I am sooooo happy that his parents know. Great job, pat yourself on the back for that one too. One of the main components of this addiction is that is stays concealed in shame– family members shouldn’t know, blah blah. don’t talk about it. Your SA came out of his parent’s house that way. They need to know. He may spin deny minimize and convince them otherewise, he is their son, mother’s will believe anything, I swear. However, I want to share with you what someone told me after I came out to my mother in law about her son’s “habit”. THEY DO WHAT THEY DO WITH THE INFORMATION. They can believe it. They can deny it. It doesn’t matter. Our part is to inform them that their grown son is endangering himself and his family. you did. Bravo.

    On the him leaving the house front. I told my SA to leave, and he would not go. At least your’s left, it is an acknowledgement of wrong doing, his leaving which is good. I said ‘GET OUT” mine said “no way, you go.” He cheated on me repeatedly, and expects me to leave my own home. wow. He’s a special sort of guy. Count your blessings he’s gone. Get some legal counsel when you can.

    Hurtheart — health concerns on knee and heart–do you have health insurance? does your husband carry it for family? do you work? I got some pretty good legal advice as of late. Just want to know your situation and share anything that might be beneficial. love, hugs. be proud of yourself. you are a great mom and woman.
    P.S – Don’t feel guilty if you feel sad and “miss” him. It is normal. Just keep on keeping the door’s locked.

  26. Dear All

    On a slightly different thread. I wanted to share something with y’all. On the raging angry bitch front – been one the last 6 mos or so. Just out of my mind angry, and rightfully so. A positive part of anger for me was this – it motivated me to action. So angry I had to DO something about it. This was good. I have taken many steps this year and I am glad anger made me move fwd and look at my situation, for what it really was. Decisions decisions. Whle a final living decision has not come to pass yet, many financial and legal decisions are being wisely undertaken, by me, in my best interest and my daughters. This IS good. Anyone recall reaching a “calm” place about it all after awhile? I feel I am in new territory. thank you

    However, I have been trying to calm down as of late. Tired of living in agitated state 24/7. It is most unhealthy. As part of my committment to being healthy this year, I am embracing forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself, forgiveness of his addiction, in all of it’s ugliness, deceit and disgust. I am starting to feel like myself again. It has been far too long. The unhealthiness of the reltionship far precedes D day as well. I am looking at it.

    With that being said, with forgiveness comes clarity and healing. I do not think reconciliation is on the table for me, forgiveness does not mean I have to reconcile or trust him. But I don’t need to be angry at him all the time, neither. That only puts me in a bad mood. Why should his addiction cause me to suffer? Forgiveness gives me power to move on. Someone must be praying for me. 🙂 As I feel suddenly enlightened. Even if it is from my seperate bedroom under the same roof (temporary holding cell?). Looking at where my life will take me this year and what I want for my daughter. I pray we can all find forgiveness this year, of self, the SA, and all of its damage. Love.

    Any one recall reaching a “calm, more forgiving place” after awhile with this?
    I feel like I am in new territory. Initial shock anger phase coming to end.

  27. Hi Pam,
    Yes I have. This was over the summer. I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be angry 24/7. And had an ah ha moment. Just because I am not actviely being mean and angry to the SA 24/7 does not mean i am not angry at him. I can live without thinking of the addiction 24/7 and reserving times to think about it. This in by no way means that i am not angry for what he did, or was not angry, i am just choosing to not live this way everyday of my life. We ended up haveing a succesfull vacation. So much so that people commented that there did not appear to be animocity. My comment was ” I am choosing to not live everyday angry”. Now if confronted by the SA about anything, yes i would be angry. Or if discussion ensued about it, yes I would be angry. But going to the grocery store or beach…not angry.

    Unf. my SA took it as a lightening by me, and that he maybe or was off the hook. To bad so sad for him. He unfortunately has not done the work for me to forgive or not be angry at him.

  28. I’m sure it’s not the same for everybody, but for me, it’s impossible to forgive when something is constantly in my face. Having to be his mommy, keep up the charade, hiding it from the rest of the world and family, feeling like a prisoner in your own home….it’s completely exhausting, and the resentment builds up to boiling point. My “calm forgiving place” did not happen until I finally moved out of my temporary holding cell. I’ve been out since mid-November and the anger is gone and I get such satisfaction from NOT caring what he’s doing. It’s not my problem anymore.

  29. into the light,
    same for me, mine moved out end of october. It was a long road getting here, but I am so much happier that he is out. So much so, i don;t know if I will ever want him back in. I was in the same place, needed my space. When they are out, they truely are responsible for their own addiction. You don;t have to worry so, as you have nothing invested. It is what it is.

    I personally don;t know if i will ever be able to forgive either. He was watching porn while he supposed to be taking care of our daughter, while i worked my ass of. Would have loved to stay home with her myself. unforgivable to me. To boot he may have had sex with hookers, will not tell the truth. This is also unforgivable.

  30. I am only able to forgive because there is no chance of reconciliation. So I am effectively washing my hands of him. Of course, we did not have a child together (we each had one from previous marriage), so that makes it easier, I am sure. I also know that if I don’t forgive it would just continue to eat away at my insides, at my soul. Not forgiving makes you a slave to the thing. Only by forgiving can you set YOURSELF free. It took me a looong time to learn that – even though I’d heard it before, it finally resonated. So don’t forgive him for HIM, do it for YOU….eventually 😉

  31. I always get so confused by the forgiving thing. The things my ex did to me (and continues to do) and my sons are just not something I can ever say is okay. It is not okay, he does not have my forgiveness and never will…..no person who does as he did/does would ever get sympathy or forgiveness from me, so it is not personal. Disgust maybe?.
    I find laughing at him helps, and that is what comes naturally from me. What a moron. How sick and destructive……how utterly malicious he is. I feel no sympathy or understanding for him at all.
    Mine is a narcissist, they don’t like to be laughed at. They don’t like to be ignored either, but I find it works great for my peace. Laughter is wonderful, and if I ever did it to his face, he would put me in the hospital again….he is all about image, not truth and goodness. That is like asking me to forgive the display window.

    I wouldn’t forgive Hitler or Bin Laden, and I know if mine ever got powerful enough, his glory seeking, selfishness, and sick head would make him just like those guys. He lost his job for the same behaviors. The more power they have, the more of their pervert-ness comes out.

    I guess I just do not assign him any value whatsoever, and it works for me. I just have to constantly block for the next attack (they come at least weekly via email…..caused him some real trouble in court.
    Mine lost it when I found his super secret sicky world……so he had to try and turn everything against me and rip me apart to take the ax for him. Sorry (forgive me friends) but I cannot forgive or say it’s okay, because it is not, and never will be.
    Forgiveness is possible, I am very forgiving of so many, too much, but only if they are sorry, when they can feel remorse….and they do not keep doing it. That is not forgiveness then, that is allowance. Nope, not here. Mine does not have remorse AT ALL, and never will, not part of the package, instead of sorry, he tried and still tries to tear me a new one any chance he can.
    He loves to intimidate me. My therapist way back said cut him out completely, he is a sociopath and narcissist and will never leave you alone. That was three years ago. She was right.
    So for some of us, forgiveness does not work and you have to go another way.
    There is happiness again, and I wish with everything in my being that mine had been like many husbands on here and was really sorry, wanted to change, couldn’t believe what they had done to their families, my therapist told me to stop living in Disney World, that what I found was the real him, not the performance he gave. There are other SAs that are cut from a different cloth than most of humanity.

  32. Oh my gosh, I feel like an imposter, I wasn’t thinking when i started writing in here before my story was posted! I was so pissed off when i was writing that story, i forgot I even signed it Jill! Thank you all so much for the wonderful replies and the support and suggestions, I have been so busy working this week i haven’t had a chance to check in. Oh yes, when i wrote that i had SO MUCH ANGER, but after writing in here for a few weeks and taking all of your good advice, i have found so much peace. (Well its been a little more than a week i have found peace.. i am just praying it lasts!!)

    You are all so right, the anger does no good (except as Pam stated it also worked for me to take the action i needed and stand my ground for the first time in my life) not many ppl got in my way the last few months! I think i have finally come to terms that this is just not going to work, and once i gave up hope i started to lose the anger. I just don’t have the patience or the personality or whatever it maybe to sit back and discover time and time again that he is a lying bastard and cheated on me once again. I really put myself out on the line for him this summer and he totally screwed me over again, I can’t keep going through that. I don’t care anymore what he does unless it directly affects my child. But as so many of us have to come to realize the courts don’t really give a crap about our children, so I am going to try to do the best I can with him when he is with me and hope that i can pass along my values to him.

    NAP, I am so sorry that he did that to you. You are so strong, I know you will come out on top!! And I loved your short story!

    Hurtheart, your post made me want to cry. As much as I wish I never met the bastard and wish that he was not the father of my child.. I also try to remind myself that without him, i would not have this wonderful little boy that I love so very much. He is really the ONLY good thing that came out of my marriage and from the sounds of it your daughter is the same. Bravo to you for telling it like it is! I am so sick of my SA trying to get me to lie to his family, my family.. FORGET IT! I just tell him now, You are what you are and if you don’t like, then CHANGE. These men are such a piece of work.

  33. Dear Lynn

    I hope you don’t confuse my plight of forgiveness with allowance or acceptance of addict behavior. That is something I can never do. I truly agree, they are not worthy of forgiveness. As you say, they have committed the unforgivable over and over. Mini sociopaths that they are. However, for me personally, I am trying to choose to embrace forgiveness anyhow,as much as I can anyway, because it sets ME free to move on in life- and enjoy it- not him. I just outright sick of walking around with my defenses on defcom 7 and pissed off all the time. It’s ruining my life. Why should some sick SA husband have that power? He should not. So gor me Lynn, my personal epiphony was that all this anger holds me prisoner to him. so I am trying to forgive, release the pain, and move on from this SA trauma, with healing in mind. A better love, a better place, without resentment. Perhaps it is impossible. dunno. Thanks for Caring. And so sorry for the drama your SA is causing you and your children. Just awful.

  34. Hi Pam,
    Oh no, I don’t think you or anyone here is a allowing the behavior….they are here because they can’t allow it.
    My ex would use the forgiveness word to take the heat off himself, and then would sneak around still, and when I found another affair the next week, and the next week and so on, doing the same stuff, he would be using the word forgiveness again and again.
    He even blames me, still, as being the breakdown of our marriage and causing our family to split because I could not forgive him. But he never stopped. That is just not forgiveness, you know?
    This is where I am 3 years later……It does not even cross my mind so much all the other women, I feel nothing what so ever about him being the ultra unfaithful while we were married (it devastated me when we were married).
    It is the lying that has never stopped, the horrible treatment, the way he put himself and his wants and issues before everything else…truth, honor, wife, child, dignity, respect for other people…in fact, he would even hurt and rip off and condemn his family, manipulate all to continue looking out for only himself.
    I understand mess ups and addictions, and there are good men with problems who have remorse and love.
    But, as my therapist pointed out to me many times (and I didn’t listen for a long time) there are people who have no empathy, no conscience, no remorse and they are the same individuals who focus on smut.
    So, I think some of the men that have caused us to search for answers and find this site, (not all of them, there are good men here too that have issues) are sociopaths. This is documented in a report by an investigation by the courts that my ex has sociopathic sexual issues. It is also documented he has no regard for the value or respect of other people, particularly his wife (me).
    But all of us here are real, all the women on this site are desperate for answers. I happen to be on the flip side of the coin and have the worse case scenario, my ex-husband is the sociopath….forgiving them means getting eaten alive till there is nothing left of you because you can’t forgive someone who is not sorry.
    And you cannot get love from someone who cannot love.
    And you cannot depend on someone who uses you and lies and puts themselves above all.
    No anger is within me at all, well, there is some when my hand hurts or does not work right, but it did not happen because I forgave him, it happened because I opened my eyes to what was real, said no more, would not allow him to do anything more to me….and the big one…..completely gave up on him.
    You will be in a funny place when that happens, grieving, so very sad, but it is still better than the turmoil and constant manipulation, and the same scene played over and over of which you have no control of.
    I feel like I took control of my life back, my thoughts, everything. I got me back, except now I know what kind of other world and people are out there.
    BTW, the courts do care, especially if you get a GAL in divorce court who docs the history as opposed to JD court. They are listening and acting on everything in JD court too. They do care about the children, but you have to have evidence, and you have to let them know.

  35. Dear Lynn

    I admire your stength for pulling yourself out of the mess. I am glad to hear with evidence and persistence that the courts care. What a long road and battle you have had. You are a fearless mom for sure. I am also happy to hear that you are not walking around angry and crazed. I have been!! Not sure how much longer the ride is going to last under one roof for me. It is a financial necessity right now, but not for that much longer. I will have choice. But I am becoming calmer. Less angry. And there is certainly greif still going on- I cried today, first time in a long time. Sa asked that I remove all check books from home, etc to limit any temptation for him. I said ok, but could not help but cry. That I am with someone so weak that they will act on first oppty. It brings back all deciet, lies in the first place. I mean I found out 9 years in– blew me up. He is still not in any program. Says he is starting when daughter goes back to school. don’t know. Don’t know if it will even matter. He knows he’s an addict, but doesn’t see his behavior as “that bad.” amazing. I have been financially taken advantage in so many ways, it just makes me cry to think where all the money went. That can never be replaced. It hurt me so. Living with controls and boundaries but 0 trust, 0 sex, cannot go on long term. At least I won’t get an STD! But I am trying to think of it as temporary. Like you Lynn, I want ME back too. I’ve gained some of me back in past cple months, but I have a ways to go. Thank you for caring. My legal options have not looked so great. And the one’s with promise have been too expensive for me. I hope to change all of that this year. Love.

  36. Pam,
    So he has asked you to remove the checkbooks? So if you leave one laying around it is your fault that he spends money on xyz? I do understand that we have to do these thing…s some things. So you are now in charge of the finances I assume? I would use this time to seperate finances. Actually is it possible to close the joint accounts, open an account in you name only; that way he cannot take money; even though he finds a checkbook. that will reduce stress level for you; and he has admitted he cannot be financially responsible; curious if he would go for this. Or does he have a hidden money source account that you do not know of. Acting like he is giving control to you, but in reality it is false. Aslo this may allow you to slowly take money off the top; squirel it away for you to get out and make you exit plan.

    Also waiting till daughter goes to school to go to program is an excuse. He does not want to go. there are meetings online and via telephone. Also meetings only last about 1.5 hours; not that big of a time commitiment once a week; especially when his life is riding on it.

  37. Hi Lynn, can i ask you what proof you were able to bring to the courts to get them to listen? I have not actually gone to court, just talked to a lawyer and did bring proof that he was involved in affairs and had memberships to fetish websites.. which the fetish websites to me would seem enough for some to question his emotional wellbeing as the stuff in this website is sick. But was still told i had no case.

    Pam, How many times I had your same thoughts and found myself talking to myself while crying, “I can’t believe this is my life” having to spy on my husband, and hide things to try to stop him from acting out. It’s a crazy way to live and its really very sad, they are like children with a bad sweet tooth and your constantly having to hide the candy and make them brush their teeth. I hope that you are able to find relief from the anger and craziness, it sounds like you are on the right track taking control of your life.

  38. Hi LittleB,
    I used a GAL and gave her everything-
    1. Bank statements showing tens of thousands at strip clubs-He wasn’t home with the child, he was not using family money for family, he has a problem with going to see other women while married
    2. I had hospital and doctor records of physical abuse-When his addiction was discovered each time, he would blow up and hit or push- lack of impulse control- very bad around a child.
    3. He deserted/abandoned many times- Leaving the family and for what he left the family for shows bad character and not dependable- not good for the child.
    4. Porn receipts-on the home and work computer- big red flag of bad choices for a family/father
    5.Affair letters- All the sicky lying affair letters with the other women….I have a big box filled with those.
    6. Emotional abuse and assaults on me-I have a box of those in email form, unbelievably cutting, very nasty person, very manipulative
    7. Therapist- They got his therapist records and mine. Mine stated PSTD, his was a host of problems.
    8. Domestic violence in front of child-This one he could not deny (He has denied everything still-actually worse, makes up a whole other lie, even to our son about what my son actually saw-He gaslights our own child!!!!!!)-Our child watched this one and that is when I took my son to therapy. My son still goes to therapy.

    I just showed what he is. That he never cared about his family or child, and I showed what he did care about. So first he had supervised visitation, then short unsupervised, and now twice a month visits, but he is required (court ordered) to go to our son’s therapist. He does not go, so I am not sure what the courts will do about that.
    I want my son to know and love a “father” but I had to put my foot down that my ex-will not continue his behaviors on our son or me. I tried to have court ordered as many safe guards as possible.
    Since he never sees me in person and all communication is via email which I have a third party filter, I just save all his emails for the next court date.
    When I found everything, it was the most awful thing that has ever happened to me, I really loved the man I thought my husband was, and the things I was seeing just did not match up at all. He turned into a monster when I told him he had to choose, that life or our life. He chose. I quit trying to save him and quit making excuses for him. I turned the energy that I had been using on helping him into helping my son and me instead.
    I do not feel bad at all about that. My ex used his energy and our money to focus on strippers other women and porn, not us. So we both chose.

  39. Oh my gosh Lynn, I am so sorry for everything you have had to go through. I can not even begin to imagine. The discovery of the affairs and all the lies to me were horrific enough. My SA, I do believe really wants to be a good father, he appears to do a lot of things with him and wants to be active in his role as a father. There was never any physical abuse and the emotional abuse was geared mainly towards me. But he used to also appear to want to be a good husband and appeared to want to do a lot of things with me too.. so really what do i know what is really going on over there.

    Where I am at is the concern that he will get sloppy and leave his “stuff” out for our son to find. Or god forbid, start bringing home these wacked out freaks that he seems so attracted to. I swear the first women he introduces our son to, i am going to go on overdrive to find out everything I can about this person. I don’t trust he won’t end up with someone who loves to be whipped till raw. It makes me sick what he was getting into. The only proof that i had though was that he did have affairs (which sadly, is just all too common even under “normal” circumstances these days) and the fetish websites. With only that to go by she told me that it was my word against his as to his frequency and when he “partakes” in his sick behavoir, the courts are leaning heavily these days on fathers rights, don’t recognize sex addiction as a “true” addiction, or even understand the descruction it can and does cause, and that they would tell me what he does on his own time is none of my business.

    You are such a strong women, I am so glad you got yourself out of that situation and are doing everything you can for you and your children.

  40. One thing I keep seeing everyone say, that the courts say is “that what they do on their own time is their own business”. But if they are watching the kids, sole caretaker, when we are not around; it is not their own time. They are responsible for caring for a minor; in most cases under 5???

    Has anyone thought of that argument? And what did they say?

  41. Hi Pam,

    Thinking of you and hope your doing okay. Your last comment sounded like you feel stuck right now…just keep in mind we maybe physically stuck for a variety of reasons but we dont have to be stuck emotionally or spiritually. Your husband sounds like mine in that hes going to do what he wants and when he wants and nobody(especially us)is going to tell him what to do. My therapist says my husband doesnt value me at all…and sadly I think that is an understatement! However, I value myself and I know you value yourself and that is why well be getting out of our bad situations-its a process and it will take time. For me, the cost of staying is too great-my lifestyle will change significantly-I dont care about that anymore. As Mother Teresa says, the happiest and most joyous people are the poor because they dont have or have ever known the “stuff” in life-they are very genuine and authenic and giving even though they may have nothing to give.

  42. Hi Flora,

    Yes i have. I bitched and pleaded my case until I was blue. My lawyer totally heard me and as a woman and mother herself, she totally understood my concern. But,when they say “what they do on their own time”,they are referring to the times that I have him with me, not the time that he is over at his house. He would never admit that he’s online looking at smut or talking to some Ho around him or whatever while he is watching him. Heck he still won’t admit that he was NEVER around for the family when i lived there.

    So it’s his word against mine. I can go in and tell a judge my story and he can counteract and tell the judge i am lying. Its his word against mine. Maybe i don’t have enough proof of everything as well. I cracked into his email account, and found at least 7 hookup sites he joined, but I went blank with every discovery I was so distraught and numb when i found everything, i never thought to take screen shots of what he wrote, who he was talking to. By time my wits came back to me he had already deleted everything. I just had emails that he wrote me admitting to the fetish websites, and credit card reciepts of the other sites he joined.

  43. What if you have proof that they not only looked at questionable porn, but also frequented prostitutes {telephone numbers of hookers dialed on the phone, withdrawals of money after making the call..using my daughter’s money and MY money to pay for it, etc etc}. Would that hold up in court? Obviously if he frequents prostitutes he is A} committing an illegal act & B} posing a risk to my child by possibly bringing home diseases and such. Also, some of the porn downloaded by him on his own personal account was underage porn.
    Just want to know where I stand here as I do not want to agree to joint custody. Not.at.all.

  44. pam,

    I’ve found that the opposite of anger is pity. If you can turn your powerful feelings of anger into just as powerful feelings of pity for the lump of crud your SA is and for what his choices have done to his life…and he truly is a sorry human being… then you can find your core of peace and open yourself up to healing. That is the first step to being able to forgive someone else…. remove the anger, find inner peace and then finally you can forgive. Changing the anger to pity is the key.

  45. hurtheart, take the computer in to a computer place they will turn it in to the police, or turn it in yourself. That makes your case easy.

    Little B,
    Seems like it is difficult to gather enough evidence, especially when so much of this is behind our back. I don’t think you can link him patroning a prostitute to a bad father, because I guess that is his own time. but what about the poor morals?? I guess it has to cross over into the home life somehow. POf course even then it seems that the kids might have to be starved and neglected.

    When I called DCF they said it was fine that he viewed porn while watching her in front of her. Just said it was bad parenting. Unless there was some form of neglect there was no case. So because he sits around all day viewing porn, not taking care of his daughter, then I come home in the evening and take care of her, clean her up and feed her….Then there is no neglect?? because I do it all when i come home. So because the wife (mother) is making up for all of the lack of the husband (father) then there is no consequences for their actions. But if I were in part to not take care of her when I get home, then she would be neglected, and then we would both reported. So this is a no win situation. You can’t let them neglect your child, when you are fully capable of doing everything. So they get away with it.

    I really hate this all…for the kids. It is a no win situation for them as well.

  46. Dear Flora & NAP

    Thanks so much for checking in on me! 🙂 Yes, Flora re checking account. It is the appearance of control when there is really not that much. We have seperate bank accounts. I have my own personal acct that he has no access to. I have been given control of the business accounts- he has no check signing or withdrawel authority or debit cards. He has no personal accounts that I know of. Of course, you are correct, I have no way to monitor if he has some secret account, nor is there a way to monitor that. To safeguard we have agreed that I control as much as can be reasonably expected. If he finds away around it, well that’s on him. He said no easy access to cash reduces his anxiety and helps stay sober. But he’s not really sober he is just not acting out to my knowledge. But, that’s his problem. Yes, there is a horrible feeling of babysitting an addict and God forbid I leave a check out by accident or somehow leave the safe open–how he wouldl love to blame me I am sure. Because he is sick. However for my own protection, and my child’s protection, we have limited his access to any money as much as anyone can. The rest is up to him. He can deal. I will do this relatively small part of controlling access to money to the best of my ability, becasue it is in my best interest financially. So for that, I will comply.

    Yes NAP — thank you for mentioning. I do feel momentarily trapped. The long term consequences of divorce and seperation of assets, (not even mentioning custody here) is messy to say the least so I am moving slowly. And yes yes yes– he could go to SA meetings7 times a week, and sb. But he is not because he is not ready. sadly enough. He is doing some kind of self imposed — no access to money, staying home and working on himself,crap, so he says. There’s been some improvement in mood and behav. but he was so out of control and destructive prior to recent weeks, anything wb better than he was. but as I mentioned he is not in any real recovery, where the hard work has begun for him by any means. sad. this I do pity. and will remain in my seperate qtrs until further notice. thank NAP. love

  47. Two years ago when my husband and I began “marriage therapy” after the horrifying death of our young daughter, I discovered the extent of his lies. His defensive, dishonest, blaming behavior soared right before my eyes. He was charming, smooth, calm, manipulative and in control as he stated absolute lies as I sat there stunned. Of course I became upset, emotional and angry at times, which I believe now was his plan. He managed to turn this therapist and a second “sex addiction” therapist against me. The SA therapist was unbelievable. She did not hold him accountable or have him reveal a “disclosure” as she did with other couples (per 6 “Trauma Victim Wife” Meetings). She smiled at him when I was in tears… Seemed to adore him and hate me. I’ve been an honest, faithful and loving wife for 25 years and my husband managed to victimize me in therapy too! In the last several months I returned to our first marriage therapist to do work for additional trauma since she is an expert in EMDR and was never rude to me. I shared some bizarre lies from my husband discovered in the last year (unrelated to cheating), and other details to include an admission from my husband that he is a compulsive liar. She recently diagnosed him as a sociopath too… OMG!

    My exit strategy is in progress, but will take time. I’ve spent 20 years being the business mind of HIS business and raising our children. Now with PTSD due to seeing my daughter deceased and abuse from my husband, I need to start over and become financially independent. Sociopaths generally refuse to cooperate in therapy, which is why my husband said that he only went in order to “shut me up.” They cheat, blame, deny, lie, manipulate, have no conscience, no empathy, no remorse… Self centered. They are actors that can display true human emotions, but do not have a normal human emotional capacity for others. Filing for divorce will likely bring a wrath from Hell, so a firm, swift, supportive plan needs to be in place. I pray that God provides the enormous strength that I will need to endure, since my energy level has been greatly diminished since my daughter left this life. I never knew that a woman could endure so much stress, sadness, anxiety and depression… And continue to breathe. I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I thank God for my individual therapist that has walked with me for years now. She is an Angel of Light, Inspiration & Encouragement. I know that one day I will look back on this sorrow and anguish from a much happier life and that I will meet a man that is honest, faithful and loving, whether I do exactly as he desires or not. He won’t jump out of bed at 3:00am annoyed if turned down for sex, yelling that he is “BORED” (I never neglected my husband sexually & have always loved him). He won’t call his faithful wife a “whore.” He won’t say he needs $20 when he has $180 in his pocket. He won’t keep and hide cash paid to him from the family business. He won’t hide my sunglasses, dig in my purse in the middle of the night, rummage through my closet, destroy my camera/china, watch porn at 5:00am Sunday mornings, do prostitutes(he says was only years ago, but he lies), leave all the drawers open in my desk or any other “Mind F**k” torture games. Attn: Patrick Carnes.. YES, I AM A VICTIM !