Do You Or Don’t You?

feet in bedAre you still having sex with your spouse or partner even though you know that they are a Sex Addict? Do you practice safe sex by using condoms?

This usually happens early in the process of discovery and disclosure. I guess it’s just human nature–and our primal need to feel close to someone we love again along with a bit of denial about facing our fears about the unknown future. (more…)

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Sex Addicts Are Like Lonesome George

lonesome-georgeWhen my husband and I visited the Galapagos Islands last year we visited the Charles Darwin Research Station on Santa Cruz island. This Research Station is the home to ‘Lonesome George’, the last living tortoise of his species. When he dies the species will be extinct.

Thinking back on that trip today I realized that when I met my husband he was like Lonesome George. He had no friends, no social life, no intimacy. (more…)

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How Did You Find Out?

WomanCryingThe book is coming along nicely and yesterday I was working on a section about Discovery–how and when we find out that our spouse or partner is a Sex Addict.

I can remember the day I found out as if it were yesterday. It was a Thursday and I was off work. While sorting through the stack of mail from the previous few days I noticed that a bank statement that I had seen come in was missing. (more…)

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Sometimes I Feel Invisible

NoBody Series - woman sitting downSometimes I think when we are dealing with our spouses or partners Sex Addiction we forget that the addiction is not necessarily the only problem in the relationship. Sex Addicts have a myriad of emotional issues that can make the relationship rocky aside from the addiction.

My husband and I had a ‘discussion’ this morning over an incident that happened last night. It had nothing to do with his addiction, it was simply one of those ordinary misunderstandings that should have been over and done with in about two minutes. (more…)

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Intensity Is The Sex Addict’s High

alex_grey_mindIt’s difficult to understand how someone can become addicted to an activity or behavior such as shopping, eating, gambling or sex. We can understand chemical addictions because it is so straight forward–put the chemical into your body and get a measurable physical reaction. There are levels of the chemical in the bloodstream, visible signs of impairment and serious reactions if the drug is withdrawn. But, in the case of non-chemical addictions the signs are subtle or non existent. Addictions to behavioral processes are called “process addictions.” The process of engaging in these behaviors leads to typical addiction symptoms (withdrawal, tolerance, heightened excitement or euphoria). (more…)

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Grieving Your Losses Part 2

screaming womanAhhhhhh…ANGER! If you are not familiar with it you better get used to living with your new best friend. Anger is the second stage of grief and for most of us who are confronted with our spouse’s Sex Addiction it is the emotion that stays with us the longest.

Now, some people, such as counselors, co-12 step groups and the like will advise that we should avoid outbursts of anger and that we need to act in a ‘mature’ manner; that anger will have a negative effect on communication or that our expression of anger will cause the addict to withdraw and feel more shame.

Well, sorry, I beg to differ here (and that’s putting it mildly). Unless and until you get all your anger out, (more…)

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Staggered Disclosures

disclosuresWhy can’t they just tell me everything and get it over with?

That is probably the most painful cry of spouses and partners of Sex Addicts. We get information in bits and pieces, or as one woman put it, ‘on the installment plan’. Even when confronted with black and white evidence Sex Addicts just can’t seem to admit what they have done. Even though we beg them for the whole story we only get a few paragraphs at a time.

And every time a new ‘truth’ comes out, every time we hear another contradiction or find out about another lie we feel as if the old wounds have been ripped open and doused with salt. And with every new disclosure we are thrown back to square one, left to start all over again picking up the pieces (more…)

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