I discovered my husband’s addiction after 14 years of marriage, finding out he was in a relationship with someone else the entire time we dated, (over two yrs) and after we were married. They only lost contact bc she stopped, not him. (She was also a in high school @ the time, which he claims he didn’t know, but yet he found her on a high school reunion website?) He claims he looked her up again bc I was having horrid anxiety problems he couldn’t help me with, so this is how he coped w/it.
I agreed to marriage therapy, and I was pretty much told to forgive and forget, could I not see how sorry he was for everything?? I wasn’t buying it. He lied about so much back when we were dating, he looks her up again, plus he had a bunch of other chats w/strange women, and I was supposed to buy it was an just a one time thing??
To complicate things, I hid some things from him, that I did eventually tell him about, and I never gave him any reason to think he couldn’t trust me again, and he has said over and over he knows that, he would then use that to deflect his stuff. Even though the therapist have said there IS a difference,and I know I did the right thing by telling him, I feel like it did nothing but make things worse in so many ways.
He would lie about the stupidest things, and I knew something didn’t feel right. We tried different therapists, and it was always the same thing, I was having trust issues, I was expecting too much from him (when he would shut down and leave me out of his life), but he had time for everyone and every hobby under the sun.
He admitted to porn on occasion, would not answer his cell if I was around, hid relationships with other women, there were calls on his cell from towns his company never did business with, tried to tell me I needed mental help for my suspicions, etc., but it was never enough to be concrete proof. He is also a computer guru, so he added me to his company’s network, without my knowledge, and was spying on my web pages once I started talking about divorce and stll denies it.
We did see a SA therapist, who didn’t buy as many of his lies, but she kept stressing all he could do was tell the truth, my trust issues were my problem, and he didn’t “have” to do anything he didn’t want to. That was all he needed to hear, and anytime the addiction came up, he would pull the “I don’t have to discuss this”, and run away. It was like the therapists didn’t seem to know all they were doing was giving him more ways to shut me out, and hide things from me. No one would tell him he needed to be an open book, or that he was making unhealthy choices and living in denial.
He would try to stand up to his family, and the one friend he had when they hurt him, and then after a few months, he would cave. But I would get the rages and outbursts. I made the mistake of confronting him as to why he always caved in to them, when they never had to apologize, and he point blank told me they were his REAL family, not me, (When six months earlier, they did some things to him that were very hurtful, and he said MY family was his real family) and that is now being twisted around, that I never wanted him see his family or friends.
I confronted him one night about wanting to know why he was using in private filter browsing on the computer, when he never did before, and he picked it up, smashed it on the floor, and then hit me. He spent the night in jail.
As a Christian, even after all of that, I still felt a strong urge to make my marriage work, so we exchanged some emails, where I told him he wasn’t coming back until I saw signs he was safe, and wanted to get his rages under control again, which he agreed to. He told me he was getting his own place, but there was no $$ coming out of our account showing that was happening, so I had a protective order extended to make sure he couldn’t come back, and had the court order marriage therapy, and he flipped!
He came to all of the therapy sessions angry, and very hostile. At one session he did talk about how good I was for him, and how much he changed for the better,and the time with me was his happiest ever, but the rest of them, he blamed me for everything, and kept telling the therapist I would just never leave him alone, and once again, he was told I kept pushing things. It was unreal! All I ever wanted were straight answers, and to stop having to wait in line behind everything else under the sun, and discuss how the addictions STARTED. (It’s like a double standard…if we ignore the behavior, we have no self esteem and are a doormat, and if we want answers and normal attention in a timely manner, we’re pushy!)
I was so willing to stand by him in spite of the addiction, if he would only get into treatment, not just go to two SA meetings and quit. He led me to believe he wanted to work on the marriage, and then shocked me by telling me he wanted a divorce, bc he would always be a liar and a cheat, and then left the session. When I emailed him wanting to know what that meant, and how he could do this, he fired off a very hurtful response.
Even though so many things in the email weren’t true, it still made me feel like dirt. My head knows the sweet, caring man I fell in love with was fake; he didn’t know how to be in a normal relationship once the truth came out, and I wouldn’t fall for all the stuff that used to work, that doesn’t stop my heart from being shattered into a million pieces.
My family was so thrilled I found such a wonderful caring husband, that would be there to help me as I grew old w/my disability, and he ended up hitting me, and has said he will fight having to pay me support bc he’s not getting screwed by another ex wife (but he can be friends with her now, when all I heard was how horribly she treated him.) even though he makes very good $$, and I get strictly disability, and will now loose my heath insurance that paid pretty much whatever I needed.
But I can’t say a thing to him about what all he’s done to me, or I get harassment charges, not him. I’ve watched every therapist feel bad for him, the two secular ones say I’m a codependant bc I’m letting his actions affect me (Uh, how could they not??) and the legal system doesn’t care, bc he didn’t beat me to a pulp.
No matter how much I pray for God to open my husband’s eyes to how heartless he’s become, and the addiction he denies, I’m the one that seems to keep getting screwed every time I turn around. So this is incredibly hard to deal with. You have no idea what a lifesaver your website has been, bc I was starting to feel like I really was screwed up for all of my reactions to my husband’s mind games.
I’m scared out of my mind bc of my financial situation, bc never in a million years did I think he would be so cruel. I didn’t ignore things just so I could have the security. I just don’t understand how things have ended up so much worse for me bc I tried to do the right thing and make my marriage work.