HI.

I’m Hannah.

i got married at the age of 18 to a guy that seemed perfect. he had lots f friends, he always seemed happy and excited about life, and he was a really good guy.  we only dated for 3 months. i was very innocent, from a religious family. and so was he. so it was pretty normal for us to get married young.
we had a baby just after i turned 19. a few months after we got married, i was lying down in bed waiting for him to get off the computer and join me, and when he walked in, i noticed stains on his boxers (he wore them back to front hoping he could run to the bathroom and change before i see anything)
that was the first time i realized he was watching porn behind my back. i was heartbroken. i was so so hurt. i cried all night and begged him to hug me for comfort. he didn’t say sorry, in fact he didn’t say anything.

after a few months i slowly realized he has a massive porn addiction. we both tried different therapists but he just didn’t believe he can change. 3 years later… everything is still the same. i cant leave the house because i know he will jump to the opportunity to watch porn. he doesn’t know what intimacy is because since he was 14 he became addicted and that’s all he knew.

his father would physically abuse him badly, he would grab him out of bed in the middle of his sleep and belt him while his mum would stand and watch. he also was neglected for 2 months by his mum who was in hospital for 11 weeks when he was 2. so he was very traumatized. from the age of 3 he would throw tantrums and the family would lock themselves in a room because they were so scared of him. so when he was 14 he discovered porn and that was the only way for him to get all the emotion and stress out with out being aggressive or violent to other people.

because of his past, i feel very bad for him. but seeing the images and videos he watches online hurt me so much. he prefers porn over being with me, and when he is with me, he usually thinks about porn to make it better.

i just separated from him now. but i need help and support to be on my own with my daughter. i don’t know how to stop feeling bad for him. but i cant live a life where i know my husband is risking his job because he watches porn there… and that whenever i am not looking, he will check out images of woman on the computer.

he also has depression, but he doesn’t believe anyone can help him so he isn’t bothering to see anymore therapists.

should i end this marriage? I’m worried that hes depression will get so much worst because he doesn’t share things with anyone. not even his family. he will have no one there to support him.

please share your advice with me.. i am so confused and lost… thank you