Dear JoAnn,
I have been following your website for quite a few months. The first time I discovered it I had finally started to believe that I wasn’t a crazy wife. It was the first time that I could relate my situation with other women out there that had been going through the same exact thing I had been going through. Each story a little different, however so many similarities.
I had married my husband in July 2008 and he ended up leaving for military school training in Sept 2008 – before he left I found out I was pregnant. I spent almost the entire 9 months of my pregnancy alone in Virginia. We moved 1 month before we had the baby in March of 2009.
Life was good, we had been a couple for about 6 years before marriage. I trusted our marriage was in good hands and never questioned anything he had done during any of the time he was gone. We had our 1st child in April of 2009 – he left three weeks later back to Mississippi with me now living in San Diego.
It wasn’t until May 2010 I started questioning his loyalty. I had previously caught him talking with a woman and we fought and I forgave, no big deal. A year later, I found a message from her in his phone, after he had looked me straight in my eyes and told me it was wrong and he would never do it again. The second time made me question, if he can lie to me and look at me so sincerely, what else might he be hiding?
So at this point (May 2010) I started to dig through phone records. Going way back during the time he hadn’t been home. I found sooooo much…………It was like the snowball effect….it kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It was so much….not just one thing…many. I can forgive and move on with one thing, but this was too much. It was obsessive.
I kept looking for answers until I would get something that would make me feel like I wasn’t crazy. I had a conversation with a women saying he would introduce himself by another name – Kevin. My husbands name is not Kevin. Later, he admitted to me that he had created a few accounts for online dating. He gave me his old yahoo email he had signed up in order to communicate with all of his craigslist and dating website friends. He told me he had closed the account and gave me the password and user id. It was at that point I realized I could reopen the account to see what he hadn’t been telling me.
What I found was much more than I ever wanted to see. Through the multiple emails and obsessive courting of women, I had also found that he had met with a man only a few days after he left home from San Diego to go back to Mississippi. He was paid 200 dollars from this man in order to meet up with him. I found the man’s phone number in our records and contacted him with a few questions. I later confirmed that yes he had slept with him and there was no way he could talk his way out of this one.
So since May I have struggled in trying to make this relationship work. We have a 20 month old little girl and I know his focus is elsewhere. His family thinks I’m crazy because no one knows the full and true story. I have never felt so alone in my life – both my parents are deceased. I don’t understand why he wants me here and keeps me miserable. I try to explain to him how much he has affected my life.
I have been going to school in order to apply to UCLA’s nursing school, and during the entire time he was gone I kept my GPA high. Well, I had to take this last semester off, because I started school a mess. I couldn’t function and my life and my emotions have been hugely affected by all of this – I couldn’t even look at people. Keeping this huge secret and not being able to tell anyone is extremely heavy on the heart.
Now six months later, after I have left him once for a month, all of this continues as a vicious cycle, I still remain living in the same home with him. Trying to love him like I loved him before, always knowing things have changed and I am sure things will never be the same. During Thanksgiving, I hosted his family all week long. He was not home about 90 percent of the time. I almost had a panic attack. I find it hard to do the things I once did for him to do for him now – I am resentful. I had a horrible feeling all week long, I know now to trust my gut. I asked him, what have you done to make me feel like this? Why do I feel like this? Tell me, so I can feel better because something doesn’t feel right. I can sense the disconnect.
His response was, “I went on craigslist and responded to a few ads”. But what he says is that nothing came of it. I believe otherwise……I know it hasn’t stopped. It may slow down, but it hasn’t stopped and I’m not sure if it ever will. I am so unhappy. So unsure of what to do and always in search of the right answers…….Will things ever change or should I just move on……
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I am posting on MTASA instead of SOS, since you aren’t a member of the paid site. First of all, my heart goes out to you as you are attempting to absorb the enormity of what your husband has been doing and is continuing to do to you AND your child, as his actions affect the entire family.
The only way that things have even the remotest possibility for change is if he willingly admits to having a BIG problem (understatement) and WANTS to change with ALL of his heart, body, mind and soul (or what passes for a soul). And then, he needs to dive into RECOVERY with every fiber of his being, and I mean like 24/7. And even then… his chances at real change/recovery are about 5%. And on top of that, he will be at risk for a relapse for the rest of his life! Can you live with that reality?
I caution you strongly to not have sex with him– ever, EVEN if you use condoms. Forgive me, if you already know this, but condoms do NOT provide FULL protection from ALL STDs!!! And I wish this was stressed more! SAs engage in high risk sexual behavior and a lot of diseases like HPV have no symptoms, and are passed skin to skin (on ALL of his private parts) but some strains (there are dozens) of HPV can put you at high risk for cervical cancer and/or vaginal warts. Statistics show that 80% of the population has some form of HPV. Which group do you suppose he falls in? And of course, there’s much worse. Please get tested ASAP and ask your doctor to check for HPV with your pap. Also, if you don’t have it now, it doesn’t mean that you are in the clear. It can go into remission for years and then pop up later.
You sound like a bright, clever woman and whenever i hear a woman in this situation say that “she’s so very unhappy, but doesn’t know what to do…” it usually means that she DOES know what to do, but hasn’t quite made the connection in her mind because her mind is still going “if only” and “what if?”
I do get that— completely because unfortunately, you love this poor sod. However, there is no “if only” and “what if” with this man. There is only more of the same that you are currently dealing with, because what I am hearing is that he is not ready for recovery, and crazy (yes, that is the word!) as it sounds, he most likely doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing!!! not really. He just wants to keep you in the picture, so he will say whatever he needs to, to shut you up. sorry. it really does suck.
Can you make a plan for yourself to protect yourself and your young daughter? Nursing is a wonderful career with a lot of security. And there ARE good men out there. (I think) 🙂
Again, I’m so sorry that you are dealing with all of this, but there’s a lot of support and help available, any time you need it.
Best,
Lexie
Lisa, your story sounds exactly like mine, please leave him, because he won’t change, trust me I know, I found phone records too, it was awful everything I found and I believed him when he begged for forgiveness and then five years later I found an email that went back years, there were memberships, craigslist ads, backpage ads, emails about the exciting time he had, email after email, even on our anniversary and valentine’s day, he was nonstop (told me he had to work). We saw a therapist together before I left and she told me I had a good man right in front of me, he bamboozled her too and she was supposed to specialize in sex addiction.
After 11 years, I finally got the courage to move out a year ago and I’m still having a hard time, probably because I still keep in contact with him on a regular basis (we legally share a yorkie and financial reasons).
Anyway 99% of the things that came out of my sa mouth was a lie, and if he ever admitted to anything, it was only because he was hiding so much more, it was manipulation to try and convince me he had changed and willing to confess, but really what he was confessing to, was so nothing compared to what was really going on.
After doing extensive research I’m am convinced without a doubt that so many of these men are mentally ill and sex addiction is just part of it. “The psychopath next door” & “Sociopath” describes my ex perfectly, and add sex addiction to it, and no matter what, you can’t win the fight.
One thing I realized finally is it didn’t matter if we were getting along great or fighting, if I looked good or bad, fat or skinny, nothing I did changed the outcome. I thought we were so in love our first anniversary, we slow danced and I could not have been more in love with this man and I thought he was with me and I later found out (four years later from phone records) that the very next day he was calling prostitutes, I was shocked that he could do that after such a special night. There is nothing that you can do differently that will make him act different, he will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a sex addict may apologize but won’t stop.
When I left, I was distraught and a complete wreck, and guess what he was busy doing and continues doing since I walked out the door? You got it, he now has a place to host, he doesn’t have to use his office or do outcalls, they come right to the house and crawl in the bed that I used to sleep in and I bet yours will do the same. He told me “if you come back I will stop but you can’t expect me to stop if you’re not here” I would not go back for anything.
I’m convinced they keep us around to look normal to the outside world.
Lisa you will be so much happier if you leave, it’s not easy I’m not going to lie, for some weird screwed up reason I hate myself for, I still love my ex very much and I’m still in a lot of pain, but so relieved I’m not stuck there while all this is going on. I was so scared to leave because of what he might do, I thought somehow I was at least stopping a lot of it, but I wasn’t, and it’s continued. It’s a progressive disease and my ex is 52 and the girls he sees are like 19-22. I made the mistake, he had a huge abscess and had to have surgery and I went (like a dumbass) over to his house to take care of him (he’s a huge baby) and there was a stack of phone records and while he was sleeping I couldn’t help myself and I would put the number in google and backpage ads would come up and I would get to see a pic of the girls he was calling and it opened a lot of old wounds and I was hurt all over. No one deserves what we have gone thru and I hope you find the courage to leave, because if not I feel you are prolonging the inevitable. I’m going to give therapy one more try and I start tomorrow at 3pm. Good luck to you!
And JoAnn is right, my ex was bragging a few days ago about how he must be immune to diseases because he rarely wears a condom. I told him that he could be a carrier and giving it to these women and some of the diseases can cause ovarian cancer.
I know your pain exactly Lisa. I a married to a man with a personality disorder. I do not like calling him a sex addict, because his problem encompasses so much more then sex. I have children with him as well. I don’t think anything is more devastating then finding out that your husband, the man you think is a decent, moral, trustworthy person, is not. In fact, he is leading a double life, and has no morals, horrifying. Then, you are expected to keep up the charade with family for his benefit, yuck. These are very sick men, who are incredibly immature. Just want you to know you are not alone.
Hi Lisa
I am in the same situation. I got into emails, accounts, dating websites and cheating websites ( I had no idea there were such a thing in this world, but there are many websites for you to cheat on your spouse). My husband met all kinds of women, married and with kids too. It was horrifying and still is, because I know still happens. We have 2 children and I don’t work. I’m not american. My husband is american and he threats me saying if I ever try to leave him, he will keep the kids and I will not see them again. He says that he has money, power, government job, etc and no judge will let the kids be with me because I have no way to give them the life style they have now. He also says no one will ever believe me, because he is the type of guy that everyone loves. He talks with everyone and is very friendly. Nobody will believe the things he tells me and the kind of pressure I am at home.
I fell so lonely. I just want my kids and my freedom. I can’t have freedom, but I am staying in this marriage to be able to see my children grow.
Dear Roberta,
Wow it sounds so horrible and familar the part where another man holds abuses the “security” card for power and manipulation. I know it well. I was in process of green card when the entire discovery was found.
I know the desperation that one feels in that awful scenario. But let me tell you there is steps to take for yourself. Him bulling your reality of what he thinks a judge will do is just more trying to keep you small and convince you that you have NO power. This is not true just his truth.
Let me ask if you are married, did you not file for green card yet? if you marriage is under two years old there is a 2 year conditional period. Although I was already in process for my green card, I did two amazing things for myself without him knowing.
1) i went to an immigration attorney separate from the one I filed with as he represented my ex husband as he was the one sponsored. I needed someone to inform me of my particulars and what my options were with VAWA Violence Against Women Act in regards to immigration. There are a number of categories, but one that you might fall under is entering a marriage on good faith and wasn’t for green card so something like that. The are various reasons, mental cruelty is another. Either way it is important for you to seek information so you know your choices and aren’t made to feel powerless.
2) a divorce attorney consultation so you also know where you stand. I found the immigration attorney who actually recommended me an amazing divorce as it is important to have the divorce attorney know or be familiar with immigration laws.
You do have rights and it is not ok to use the power play ticket of immigration, however that is also part of abuse from a SA, it’s all about that power and abuse of boundaries. I lived through a nightmare but got myself educated finding the information so I didn’t feel so paralyzed in fear.
My story is here on the site of my particulars. I wish you all the best and do find the support you need for yourself.
C
http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/miss-cs-story-how-i-made-my-decision-to-divorce-my-sex-addict-husband/#more-4611
That’s my story too. I just found out. My heart is broken beyond compare.I too might be in it for the kids sake. How can I ever let him touch me again,?. Help
Becky… All the research I’ve done since I found out about my son’s biological father being a sex addict has said the same thing: Leave. Don’t stick with it ‘for the kids’ because they’ll know, and they’ll end up growing up in a household that doesn’t have a loving parental example. Since I left him, I was alone and lonely for a while, but ended up meeting an amazing new man who is a better partner and daddy to my son than the ‘sex addict’ ever was. It seems scary to leave, but you can do it. They don’t ever change, and they lie – most of these men have antisocial personality disorder. Look it up, and you may very well see the same thing for your husband. Best wishes.
Oh Roberta…
Oh my… First of all… he is wrong, wrong, wrong. He is just trying to intimidate you and make you believe that he has ultimate control, but I can assure you, that he does not! What an unbelievably evil asshole.
You have RIGHTS as his lawfully wedded wife whether you are a legalized American or not and you are the children’s mother (and judges always favor the mother– unless there are some very compelling reasons) and if you have proof— (which it sounds like you do), you can find a very blood-thirsty, aggressive lawyer, who will work on a contingency basis, and SUE your husband for everything he has… because he has BREACHED YOUR MARRIAGE CONTRACT— BIG TIME (sorry to shout, but I am so extremely enraged!) and THEN– after you WIN your divorce case… you can very comfortably afford to give YOUR children the lifestyle they are accustomed to and a much more healthy and wholesome environment as well. You DO have legal rights and a LOT more power than he would like you to think!!!
All my best,
Lexie
I AM SOOOO OVER ALL OF THESE ASSHOLES! 🙁
Lisa, thank you for sharing your story. Mine is so similar it is scary, but as of yet (my revaltions only been a few days) I don’t have the energy or strength to write it up.
Does anyone have a story who’s sa is in recovery and things are going well? Anyone?
My husband has finally admitted to having a problem that he, and he alone owns. He’s willing to go inpatient 7 days, and is in therapy. He’s given me access to his phone and email and genuinely SEEMS remorseful and committed to change. HOWEVER … So many howevers… He has always been sorry (although he used to blame me) I’m making myself crazy checking up on him… Crazy. I’m totally nuts. We have 3 little kids and I can barely keep it together. It is so easy for him to set up another “gmail, yahoo, whatever” email account.
Another question, when I found his email account a few days ago my body went into complete what I call shock, uncontrollable shakes. And it still happens when I try to process this… Has this happened to anyone else. I know I should talk to a therapist, I just can’t stand the idea of telling anyone yet. I’m embarrassed and sick. You are all strong women and I thank you.
Hi Sickened,
How did this turn out for you? Did you husband get better?
When I found out, yes I had the same reaction: Shaking all over uncontrollably.
I just found out a few days ago about the many, many women he met from craigslist and internet dating sites, not to mention the bar when he was with his friends. My partner seemed remorseful too, and is in the process of getting help. However, I doubt I’ll ever trust him again. He looked me straight in the eyes so many times and lied to me.
Are there any success stories out there? I doubt it, but please if there are any let me know.
Taryn
Another question for everyone… Should I tell people, should I try to monitor what he’s doing? Should I let him see his son?
Hi Sickened,
So sorry for what you are going through:( We all remember that trauma after discovery so well, our hearts go out to you. Take the time you need right now to sort things out, think things through. Right now, just try to be present every day for your children and for yourself, find some comfort wherever you can….except from your husband, because he can’t give you any right now, and anything you get from him right now isn’t real. It does seem overwhelming to talk about it, but I found that when I made the therapy appointment 2 days after discovery and talked…..it was such a relief. I would have paid a stranger on a park bench if I knew it was going to feel that good just to talk to someone.Our sex addict husbands count on us to keep their secrets, and it’s so important for you NOT to do that. Tell anyone and everyone if YOU need to talk, if it’s important for your support and your healing.
As far as couples doing well, the success rates aren’t good, but it is possible to get through this with a lot of hard work and comittment to recovery on his part and healing for your trauma and broken trust. It takes a long time. And it takes the right man. Some men love their family in their own way, but they won’t give their addiction up for any reason.
Take care of yourself!
Marie
I am so sorry for you. What I have learned is that sometimes the darkness gets darker. Like you, the deeper and deeper I dove into the details of what went on, the more I found. I also noticed a trend of increased stimulation via subscription to personals accounts, third party internet providers, payment for prostitutes and a disturbing younger and younger trend including websites with what appeared to be under 18 online porn. By the time I discovered that I was already obtaining a divorce. An SA has the ability to create different lives for themselves in their mind. They can block out everything they’ve done because they don’t want to fact it themselves. They can lie and look you straight in the eye because they truly believe what they are saying because the addict lives somewhere else in their head. An SA who refuses to admit the truth is the most dangerous type because when the compulsion to act out occurs it doesn’t matter who or what they have sex with. Above all, please protect your little girl. Not all SA’s will cross the line but some will not be able to stop themselves due to addiction and your little girl does not deserve to be the victim of his denial.
He will sink your battleship. Financially no one can sustain a secret sex addict unless there is independent wealth. I found out the hard way that my husband would buy a 300 dollar meal for a hook up and never buy me a birthday gift. He would not pay parking tickets and let them go to collections for fear of me finding out where he was. Now I am left with his astronomical debt which was granted to me at 50 percent because I lacked the funds to pursue a trial for divorce in a community property state. Every dime your man spends on his addiction could be going towards your girl’s college tuition. The thing most of us fear is change. It is terrifying to take an assertive step but I guarantee you it is worth the effort. You are worth the effort.
Run…..never look back………consider yourself blessed that you found this relatively early in the relationship. You are married to a 12 year old. You need and deserve the loving support and partnership of an adult as you raise your child. You’ll never get that from a sex addict. They are self-centered children who are slaves to their male members. LEAVE HIM. You and your child will be better off.
I found out after 23 unhappy years of marriage, two series of marriage counseling sessions, that my “husband” is a sex addict. If I could relive my life, I would have left after my first anniversary.
Forum shop. Contact divorce lawyers in your state of domicile/residence and his state of domicile/residence. Find out which state will give you more alimony and property and custody. Collect as much evidence of his activities as possible and don’t be afraid to USE IT against him in any way you can. The man is a menace. You need to protect yourself and your child from any further damage.
My best to you, Betty
I am a grateful recovering wife of a sex addict but soon to be my ex-husband. I was married 17 years when I learned of his addiction. It took me 10 years after that discovery – of emotional pain to finally admit that the only way I could ever get healthy was to move on with out him. It is the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life. Keeping a sex addice in my life meant that I loved him more than I loved myself. He is a good person but his addiction had taken over his life. Although he is working his 12-step program and seeing a therapist, too much damage has been done in the marriage to resurrect it.
This site saved my life. My meetings are great and I still attend, but the honesty here has brought me to a point where I have always wanted to be. I am more determined and courageous than ever before. I still have days where I wonder if I am doing the right thing, but I never act on those “crazy” old feelings. I let them pass and day by day, I get stronger. I have been separated now for nearly 6 months, May 15 will be exactly 6 months. I have asked him for another 6 months. The more he is away from me, the better I become. Never ever thought I could or would do this.
Just went through my sex addict’s phone. Found the name/phone number of a woman I know he had an affair with….yet he tells me he is in recovery. You can NEVER trust these assholes. Never. Leave.
Fear of being alone is what keeps a lot of us in these relationships. The reality is you are alone right now. The infantile asshole that stands next to you and impersonates a “husband” is as real and has as much depth as a cardboard cut-out. Leave. Never look back. Run. You and your child will be better off.
My best, Betty
Not all sex addicts are like this. Some actually get help and do change. I have seen it many times. So I hate to hear such generalizing when it comes to sex addicts with words like ALWAYS and NEVER. But I do get that once you have been burned that badly, it is hard to have any empathy. However, I admit more often I have seen the addicts who are in denial that they have a problem, blame their wives, accuse her of being crazy, irrational etc. These guys are the ones I refuse to work with because I know we won’t get anywhere. My husband always tells me to remember, in my work with wives, that the addict MUST believe she will leave him if he doesn’t get into recovery. And she MUST be willing to follow through. In my experience I have never seen a woman find any satisfaction in life while living with a SA who is continuing to act out. If getting caught isn’t enough of a wake up call for them, then no amount of pleading, nagging, or begging will do any good. For some, you leaving is what it takes to hit rock bottom. For others, they are so lost in their addiction that even that isn’t enough. I firmly believe they are sick in most cases and not purposely trying to hurt you, but it is not your responsibility to take care of them or put up with the pain they are causing you…and the very real risk they are cauing you.
http://www.wifeofasexaddict.com
As other, I am sorry you are going through this and have gone through it myself. I left my SA husband when our son was 18 months old. After feeling and being accused of being “crazy” since 2 months into the marriage I finally found indisputable evidence of his having been with a prostitute. I told him I’d no longer except excuses or lies, and would no longer speak to him until he was ready to tell the truth and lay it on the line. He finally broke down admitting everything I had suspected but didn’t want to believe was true. So I left after 5 months of trying therapy (both together and apart). I could not look at him, would never want him to even brush against me let alone touch me intimately. It would not have been fair to stay for either of us, or to our son. He continues going to meetings, therapy, etc. but I told him I no longer want to hear anything about his issues—that’s why I left. It’s been 2.5 years. We get along fine for our son and it’s not easy. I do not date at all due to lack of time (working full time and being a single mom to a 4 year old is enough and I am exhausted). But I have to say that the whole experience has left me feeling like a part of my soul is dead. The betrayal we have felt is impossible for anyone to imagine. It is humilating. It’s shameful. We know we aren’t to blame, but as a woman we need to feel wanted and attractive and when the person you marry goes to those extremes to be with anyone other than you it is impossible to not be affected. I doubt I’ll ever have another relationship–I KNOW I don’t want to marry again. I can’t see mention of a stripper or hooker without thinking of it. His family, as well, has no idea–so I get to be the crazy ex wife who moved away with Mr. Perfect’s son. I am still very angry at times. I am still hurt. He still has the million dollar house while I rent and struggle. I “got” very little except the ability to move with my son. But he is still miserable and I know by his behaviours and lack of focus that he is still acting out. I did the right thing by leaving. But it has not been an easy road, and one that no human being should be made to travel. I wish to you and your daughter a better life and please do what you can to get out.
Hello my names krystal. I am 23, my husband is 25, and we have 3 kids together. Me and my husband have know one another since i was in 6th grade, i had heard storys that troy, my husband had done something bad my 7 th grade year, he wld have been a freshman in highschool. He had molested a 7 year old, at age 15. This i new know better of and honestly didnt beleive. i started dateing him the summer before my freshman year right after i turned 14. Of corse i fell in love with him, he had an awesome personaality and was so down to earth. But very touchy feely and pushed sex. Of corse as a young girl who was in love i gave in, and wich made me more attached to him. He cheated on me so much in highschool, but i always took him back, and when i say cheating i mean having sex with other girls. Hed beg me back and cry and say he doesnt know why he treats me this way. He had an obssession with talking to girls, textn them, always a different one, and having sex, he obbssesed with porn, and even made dateing websites while in highschool, my junior year u cld really tell that finally this man was truely falling in love with me. I got pregnant the summer before my senior year, and in that summer he cheated on me again. He then purposed, and left for the marines, i said “yes” thinking this baby and the marines will make him change. i moved up to camp lejeune a week after i graduated highschool with a 2 1/2 month old baby at age 17 to be with my husband who i married march 11th of 2007 my senior year. We struggled with the porn alot, him obssessively lieing. hed stop for a while and then start again. We didnt have internet on our phones so he had no way to get away with it. However, we built our relationship still, wondering why he always went back to the same old porn, crying and telling me hes sorry. in late 2010 oct, him returning from a deployment, i caught him on craigslist, talking to women, i also caught him on alot of porn. He then again apologized and moved on. Our sex life was always good, But i was to young anf had no clue there was such thing as sex addiction. March 2011 im pregnant with our third at age 21. i find numerous dateing websites, keep in mind we had purchased the i phones, wich made it easier for him to view at work and then delete. When i found them he admitted, and cryed in a corner, begging me not to go cause he new he had really screwed up. He said he wld get help, never did, he continued because i kept catching him, around april of 2011, his whole personalitystarted changing, he was distant, quiet, stopped having sex with me, angry, anxious acting, and never wanted anything to do with the kids, always ignoring everyone in the house. This went on for months as his problem started geting worse n worse, and me n him fought more and more. In sept of 2011 he actually met a girl off of plenty of fish .com, i rememeber the day like it was yesterday, he walked in the door after i thought he was at work, and he grabbed me and hugged me and said he loved me and never wanted to loose me. come to find out thats the day he went and met her, he admitted finally and said that he just had to see…and then he felt uncomfortable and new thats not wat he wanted. He continues to obbsessively lie and do dateing sites, even making excuses that his phone must delete the history its self, and hed get really aggressive when id catch him and go straight into denial. In dec 2011 i caught him again, on more sites, this seemed as of a never endign problem, and he just wasnt the same person it was like looking into the eyes of man who was lost. He begged me again not to leave and then said he was so lucky to have me. The month of decemebr went well, he was awesome and didnt do any of it, as soon as he returned back to work in january, he started again. In march 2012 i had finally noticed how bad this was affecting our three kids, so i asked him to leave. Keep in mind me still loving him through this all this was the hardest thing i had ever done. I thought he wld go and change, and come back. But instead he pursued his problem, and decided it was so much more fun when he didnt have to feel guilt and shame for doing it, 2 weeks after bieng gone and him fucking everything he cld, he told me he didnt knw how he loved me, and that he didnt feel the same about me anymore. I was ripped to pieces but was dtermined to figure this out, and this is when i started looking up sex addiction, and it nailed it on the head. But its consumed him and hes so lost in it, that he cant even feel the same for me anymore, or is it the guilt and shame, or is it the fact that i threaten his addiction when i catch him. He became worse as he was gone for 2 months, came to visit kids, but numerous girls, no standards, obbsessively inviting girls over to his buddies where he stayed liek 25 -40 girls in one night he tryed to get over. He slept with many didnt even use a condem and cldnt stop. He watched the kids in our house so i cld have a girls night and he talked and texted a girl the whole time. Sending dirty pics to her. I looked on phone bill and call the number the next day, this girl apologized and admitted to having sex with him and sent me all there messages and pics he sent her. said she didnt know he was married. One of the pictures was of my husbands penis up next to the kids toothpaste dispenser, touchign it, i guess for showing of size, idk, all i know is i was irrate. our kids toothpaste dispenser seriosuly, ur suppose to be watchign ur kids and spending time with them and u cant even focus. He just isnt the same man or person or dad. This thing has got him bad. He came back to me, for 3 weeks told me loved me but was anxious and had to ddrink the hwole time he was home and even when he was gone. he wld bite the skin off of his hands and pace becasue he cldnt do his datein sites while he was home, finally after three weeks he left again, refusing any help, hes now been gone for 2 weeks, and contacted over 150 girls or more, and sent dirty pics to, he now calls me crazy to them and says ima liar, hes already slept with more girls, 🙁 and says he just cant be with me, please soemone dont judge for me bieng so stupid this whole time but tell me why is it that he left me? why is it that he cant be happpy with me anymore, is it because his addiction has a hold on him, because he use to love me, even with his problem but it was before hisproblem progressed, someone please exaplin why he still asks me for sex every once ina while and u can tell deep within some part of him cares, its like hes possesed. 🙁
Krystal- My heart goes out to you. I know how much pain, confusion, and uncertainty you are going through…and trying to take care of children. He has to be willing to get the help he needs. But, he sounds really out of control. For you, can I suggest a “Celebrate Recovery” program at one of your local churches? I found the program to be strangely soothing. It is a place for him too if he wants it. You need as many people around you that can support you and give you strength. This pornography and casual encounter scene through the internet is causing an explosion of compulsive sexual behavior in both men and women. The men have to have someone to do it with! But, they will sometimes do it with each other too. It is self destruction. They know it is, this may be the reason why they become suicidal. I think that they really hate themselves (they would laugh at me for saying that), they often have deep emotional problems going back to childhood. There is something in everyone that is like an emptiness one has to fill. Humans try to stop this feeling of emptiness with various things; alcohol, food, drugs, sex. We all struggle, some much more than others. Finding the healthy way to fill it and relieve our emotional pain is sometimes a long road. Each of us has to find it for ourselves. You need a lot of support, especially with having children. Whatever it takes, find good people that will provide a network of support for you. People you can call whenever. Good Luck to you. I will be praying for you as well as myself and others as we travel this road.
Wow!!! So am 31!! And have been with my husband since I was 17 and he was 21!! We have two kids! We got married when I was 26! I was 27 when I gave birth to our second son three months later is when I discovered that he had this addiction!! We always had problems with trust! He cheated unaccountable times while we dated and that was for the delay for marriage!! He promised to stop when we started back we got engaged and married!!! We brought a big house in the suburbs and that’s how I found out!! We combined cell phones, bank accounts and health benefits. Money was an issue but he worked so much! The cell phone bill came right as I was going back to work which I never looked at because I didn’t pay it. I saw numbers and numbers local, long distance texts and calls. I opened the bank account info saw withdraws upon withdraws of hundreds of dollars. I went to him and he had an answer for everything but it didnt sit right with me. I called and talked and begged these girls and guys(yes trangenders) to tell me why someone would call. I was hung up on but others let me know the truth. I was given a web site that he was on from one of the trangender. I was on my way home from work and I went straight to the computer. Our history was clean no hint that he used the home computer. He is an electrian so he has a company phone and laptop. I typed the site in and it asked for his email and password. I spent the next hour typing in common ones that we use. It poped up. What I read made me sick. I called him and went crazy. He denied everything. He went as far as saying I made the profile to make him look bad?!?!
I called his mom for support but was stopped with a boys will be boys!! That’s the grandmother of my two kids!! He moved out it was over and I was so sick over it. That’s when I looked on the web and put two and two together. My husband is a sex addict!!! Omg!! How could I let this happen!! He was a great husband, very giving, caring, very affectionat. He loved to show off his family. He was a great dad!! How could he have this other side!!!
We did get back together admitted he had a problem and it was me. Then he came around and came clean. He went for help, sought out meetings even had a sponsor . Its been about four years and over the years he never got the real help that he needed. Life got busy so meetings stopped. I have caught him throughout the last four years. He hides it better so he made things harder for me to catch him. I still did and each time he down played it!! Promised to start meetings again but never did. I got busy with work kids and life. He would do anything for me and the kids. BUT when i questioned or found proof it was always me!!! He said i was the reason!!! But the way he treated me when I didn’t found out about this other side he was all about me!!! We are right back to the Beginning. We are in talks of a divorce. Our vacation is cancelled. Things were great between us we had sex 3-4 times a week but I always had a gut feeling. When my gut tells me something it’s usually right. He was texting a lot again and I started looking into his cell phone calls and noticed he was deleting numbers. I picked one and called and yes it was a girl!! I hung up and went straight to him before I spoke with her. He said it was a customer and that’s it. I called back but this time is didn’t answer. I texted asking why my husband would be texting her she stated she need work done. I asked how much bc it was a lot of texting. She came clean said it started as a work thing but things turned into flirting. I asked if he mentioned his family and yes just kids. I also found out he took his ring off too. He has been back and fourth. I tried to get us help but he says am the reason he does what he does. I dont make him happy!! He is ‘not into this marriage’ was his words. He stills wants sex with me too and yes I give in. He has many sides but when he towards into the man I married it’s hard to say no. We were getting along this past week till I found a bill from a resturant the week before during lunch. The same place he took me on a lunch date in the city. He denied it till I said I found the bill. He made up some bs story!! I am at the end bc I do love him, I love the life we have when he is good, I love were I live and my FAMILY!! It’s hard but he won’t change. He is out of the house again!!! Took me off the cell phone and blames me!!!! He Knows he has a problem but he doesnt want to fix it!!! The problem he wants to fix is me bc am the reason why he does it!!! He has never told me why he started but he had stated that it started before me!!! He claims it was just something that happened for no reason!!! I think with today it makes it so much easier for this to happen. I haven’t seen much out there for young people. This addiction is only getting bigger!! I have been to groups but not a lot of young couples!! I want and need to move on!! I have been living a lie he has been living a lie. I started seeing someone to talk and it doesn’t help. If you ever saw as out you would think we’re the happy family. When I tell people were getting a divorce they can’t believe it. I can’t believe it bc he acts like the perfect husband even behind closed doors!!! I need help!! What should I do?? Do I let him go!!!???? It was nice to hear your story bc it sounds a lot like mine!!
Michele,
Your husband is a sociopath and quite a cunning one, at that. He’s a misogynist who seeks to control and use women. beginning, middle, end. So, in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. nothing. The fact that he can turn back into the doting husband and father is further proof of his illness. It is crazy-making behavior and it is NOT going to change. So, ask yourself if THIS is what you can live with? If you can, then stay and if not, then make your exit plan. But beware,like a drowning victim, he will try to pull you back in. And the more you pull away, the harder he will try to “change.” But, please understand that he is utterly and thoroughly incapable of this. In essence, you are at “fault” because the anchor of his marriage and family life keeps him from going into the stratosphere. Well, let him. He will not and cannot change–no matter what. He might put on the ruse of so-called recovery, for a brief period of time until you “calm down,” but it will all be as fake and phony as he has presented to you, over and over. As soon as you let up your guard (which of course, you never really do), he’ll be back on the prowl. He will not ever recover from this, and it will always be your “fault” because he is just that sick. I know that you know all of this in your heart, but perhaps it is better to hear it from a stranger who understands what you are going through, more than you could possibly know. Knowing all of this, what would you tell your best friend or daughter? Would you tell her stay? That is the answer that you are seeking. I wouldn’t “let HIM go.” I would let MYSELF go (along with my precious children) and ASAP! xo, K
K,
Are you or have you ever been with a sex addict??? How do you pull away?? Yes my family and friends have told me to leave, and yes I would tell them the same!! He is crazy!! But again when is enough ENOUGH!!!??? He plays multiple roles and when he Is the husband role he is great at it!!! I do want to move on but he has a strong hold!!! Sometimes I think maybe he is my addition!! He is so out of control and I want to help!! For us for my kids and for him!!! What can I do??? I do love him and I always will!!!! M
Michele,
Till you introspect that why would you be in love with a man that deceives you so,jeopardises your health ,treats you and your children abominably and at best is a part time husband you will think you love him.
It is only when you feel that you and your children are worthy enough to deserve better that his hold will break.
And yes they are masters at casting a spell over us.
It is only when you remove yourself physically from his ecosysytem that the spell begins to wane
Michele,
Yes, I have been with a sex addict and yes, I totally understand the pull. If you want to get off the roller coaster, you are going to need a lot of help and support and I mean professional help, because as Sanity said, you have to figure out why you would value this very sick man far more than you do yourself and your precious children.
You CANNOT help him. No one can. He is hopeless. He is the only one who can help himself, and he has chosen not to. And that my dear, is the beginning, middle and end of this story. What you have is what you have.
It is 100000% out of your hands and control. The only one you can control is yourself. Save yourself; love yourself more. I’m so sorry for your predicament, but in time, you will begin to see through his thin veneer in a way that you are unable to because of the blinders you’re wearing. You will gasp in amazement and wonder what you ever saw in him, in the first place. I can promise you that. And what you have now, is not love. I don’t know what it is, but its not love. Love doesn’t hurt. Ever. – K
Michele,
Kimberly is so very right when she says that all of us were wearing blinders.
And the thing is that these blinders ,very deviously , were given to us by our SAs.
It has happened with me as also with most of the partners of SAs i have interacted with.
It is the SAs who have always spoken about the uniqueness of the relationship,about being soulmates, about we being their ideal women,about the strength of our love for them when even post discovery we stayed with them.
This is the image and aura they have created about the relationship.
Post discovery when i was still with my SA he always professed admiration about the depth and strength of our, how unconditional it was,what a strong connection we shared.It took a while for me to realise that what he was saying was very true about my love for him , but what about his love for me..it was non existent.In fact , my love too was non existent because it was give to a man who did not exist.
This is the perception they create of our relationship with them ..the one we are unable to give up.
This is the web they spin and which entraps us.
Till one fine day you wake up and realise you have just been mesmerised by a master deceiver.
hi Taryn… I’m so, so sorry that you are finding yourself amongst the walking traumatized, but yes he SEEMS remorseful. I can promise you that he’s only “remorseful” that he got caught.
Is there any hope?
the short answer is no. Keep reading here and you will see why. I also recommend chumplady.com.
and no, you’ll never be able to trust him again. How could you? He’s a cheater and a liar. this is who he really and truly is. Please know that its not you. And NO YOU CANNOT HELP HIM!
monitor him? sure. if you want to eat out your heart and sell your soul. And tell me, what do you do when you find out he’s been naughty? (and eventually, when the smoke clears, he will be.) Send him to his room?
Kimberly, thanks for the comments. At the time they really sucked to read, but now looking back almost two years later, kicking his ass out was the best thing I EVER did. I was lonely for a while, but now I’ve met a new, amazing man and am so happy. And so is my son. They don’t change. My opinion is that they (at least he) has antisocial personality disorder. Sticking with one of these people would set a terrible example for our children, and have them grow up in a shitty environment.
AND By the Way….WE ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO KEEP THIS ALL SECRET!!!! SHAME is the reason the SA is sick in the first place and that will only serve to perpetuate the cultural DENIAL of MISOGYNY: sex addiction, sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse of women and children, pornography, prostitution, rape and sex slavery are all continuing to exist because of this GLOBAL denial. If it was talked about at the dinner table, it might not happen! People would have community instead of isolation. SA is isolating for everyone. If your SA is not certifiable, and some of them really are and will not get help, then they will benefit from your honesty with those who are sources of support not shame and so will you.
God Bless
I am with you all and hear your pain it’s been almost 4 months since I found out my husband is a Sex Addict and a pathological liar. This has been happening during the ENTIRE time we have been together which is 7 years. He had no remorse, no emphaty no real will power to change or attend therapy even though I was willing to forgive and help him as I love him and still do but I realised the more I digged into his past the more horrid and shocking things I found on his emails and text messages whilst I believed we were in a normal loving relationship. I couldn’t function this man has ruined my life, he led a double life the whole time and USED me to portrait himself as normal person to the outside world. I believe he is sick in the head and needs help asap as he’s out of control but There’s nothing I can do or we as wives can do to help them. I gathered the courage to leave and he has not once asked me to go back in fact he’s just living the time of his life as we speak with prostitutes, and casual encounters with other sick perverts. I don’t think this is a healthy environment to live in or have kids around, this would consume your life and destroy you as a person. I know it’s hard to leave, it has taken me 4 months to make the decision even though he was acting like a cold heartless pig towards me since I found out, and it was really hard as I have no family in this country so that made the decision twice as hard. But I realised He would never change in fact he will only get worse as I saw the progression over the years via his emails…. Ladies gather the strength and leave! This is not sane for any human to endure. I am attending counselling to try heal the scars and I know in a couple of year’s time I will look back and be glad I got out, instead of staying with a narcissist sex addict. Because that’s all there are!
Wow I just found out the same thing and I took sleeping pills cause of how bad it hurt me. He seems sorry and cries but I think it’s cause he got caught. Was leaving him the right choice?
Yes, I know it was the right choice, I really wanted to forgive him if he showed me he was willing to change his ways, but he didn’t try, he seemed happy that the relationship was over it is as if I took weight off his shoulders, I know he is embarrassed and may feel Guilt but he doesn’t show it which was the hardest thing for me to see. I also had to take Valium to help me sleep and with the anxiety and I am still on antidepressants but I know I will get there eventually it won’t be an easy road but in the long term the best thing I could do for myself. take good care of yourself and hope you can find clarity to see the light at the end of the tunnel!
I’m so sorry what you are going thru, but I do believe there’s hope. My husband was beyond help, he was so bad, had all these ads on Craigslist, seeing prostitutes so often that he wasn’t working much and almost lost his law license, we separated for three years and he ended up going into a rehab center, he only went to avoid jail because he got caught in a sting prostitute operation, but the rehab was faith based and he was saved in church and that’s the only thing that would have helped him, he was an athiiest his entire life, (of course he didn’t tell me until we were married) so it’s truly a miracle. It’s been 2 1/2 years since he’s done anything. He also attends SAA sex addict annonomous 3-4 times a week and has a sponsor and is on the 11th step. I pray your husband makes the changes he needs. Separating helped us.
When my partner of almost four years began to get deeper into his online sexual intriguing (going so far to set up an actual profile on a very explicit man-for-man sex website wherein he calls for “hot guys to cam with” (cam means sex with another person live via Skype, lots of verbal, and one-on-one masturbation mirroring, etc), he would always get out of bed before I did, and he would kiss me on the forehead. He had NEVER done this before. It was nice…but also weird. I mean, every morning he would do this! After discovery, and after analyzing his behavior like a scientist (I think many of my brothers and sister right now can relate), I realized that by kissing my forehead every morning, that very action gave his inner lonely and sick addict the “permission” he needed to go online and begin his intriguing. In fact, I am convinced he was doing much of his intriguing in the morning while I was still snoozing in bed. Yep, that morning forehead kiss was his “ticket” to “go on through to the other side, into that dopamine-filled, adrenaline-high-filled world of absolute, utter internet escape with strange men from all over the world.