Dear JoAnn,

l would like to share my story about my boyfriend’s Sex Addiction and get some feedback. The past two weeks in my life have been very hard and I have been ping ponging emotionally.
This November, if we make it, we will be my four year anniversary with my boyfriend. We met, dated a month and then I moved to another city. We dated two years long distance seeing each other one week a month up until January 2011 when he got a good job near me. I felt that was a blessing from God because I wasn’t sure we were going to make it if he hadn’t gotten the job close to me.
I am not an avid dater and it took me about 3 years before I was sure I wanted to marry him and we started talking about marriage.
This February he told me he thought he was a sex addict and had been spurred to recovery by a sermon from our pastor about sex addiction in october of last year. If he had not told me I would never have known. He told me it was internet porn and I asked him if he had ever physically cheated on me and he said no.
I guess maybe i’m naive but I had expected him to be masturbating and using porn while we were apart. I now understand how it was an emotional crutch and becoming a problem, internet porn on its own though is not a deal breaker for me. So I thought that knowing he hadn’t physically cheated on me was all I needed to know. Physical cheating to me was putting my physical health at risk and that is unacceptable to me.
Then in April he told me he had gone to a strip club, which confused me since that is not his ‘drug of choice’ if you will. This was confusing, but again was not something I had learned as wrong, boys will be boys, right? I now see why I was so wrong. I had not accepted him as an addict at that point I thought ‘he has a problem’ but to me that was different than an addiction. Then a week later he told me that in addition to going to club he had spent a $1000. This additional revelation was hard and like having to deal with the situation over again.
This past month has been rocky and we have been fighting a lot and it came to a head two weeks ago, we almost broke up over politics, of which we claim affiliation to different parties. We have never had such heated arguments over politics before and I could feel him shutting down. Then during the fight the sex addiction came up and I pushed disclosure. He had been telling me that he wants to figure out his first step and have disclosure before we could move forward and be married. I told him if I knew everything and we had a good relationship why was disclosure so important and why was it taking so long?
That’s when I found out that I didn’t know everything and that our arguments and the lack of forward motion largely stemmed from the fact that he was sure I was going to leave him so he was trying to put disclosure off. He also said he might have subconsciously been trying to sabotage the relationship to avoid disclosure all together. He then told me that during our relationship about a year ago he had started to have phone sex with his ex-girlfriend, he said he couldn’t remember how many times it happened, more than 10 less than 20. He stopped on his own and blocked her. Even though we lived in the same city at that point with his job at the time he was often gone 10 days, home for four. Not that, that is an excuse but it did make me feel better even though rationally I feel like it shouldn’t.
I saw the pain and emotion while he told me and I was able to forgive him and we moved forward. I realized right away that what I needed was complete honesty from him, so the more we talked about it the more I pushed honesty. I told him “I can deal with a lot but if you lie to me I can’t deal with it at all” and that’s when he told me had signed up for adult friend finder while we were still long distance. This disclosure triggered a week separation. I was hurt and confused and felt that though he had never put up a profile or emailed anyone that he was moving closer to my line of physical cheating.
This past saturday we met and I had a list of the things that I needed in order to remain in the relationship. I again pushed honesty and told him that I needed to know EVERYTHING, no more of this tid-bit here tid-bit there, or what I call breadcrumbs.
He thought about it and shook his head and I repeated I needed to know everything.
He then told me that two years ago while he was drunk at a party he tried to kiss a girl. This sent me into a tailspin. I had already begun forgiving him and now I had something new to process. For some reason this was the worst for me, some might think it would be the ex-girlfriend, but it wasn’t for me.
This new revelation was like my heart had been stabbed again. I’m sure the relationship is broken but I think i’m still trying to figure out if it is dead. I told him that I do not want to see him until he has finished his first step and disclosure. I can’t see him, I can’t pretend everything is alright if I don’t know everything. This breadcrumb stuff is killing me and slowly I think our relationship. Our four year relationship is now broken and I’m sure even if we decide to pick up the pieces, will still have some cracks, but am I re-piecing something that will only get broken again?
I am now more poised to leave him than ever before but I did not make the decision that I loved this person lightly. I have not been a big dater, have not wanted to date someone or let someone in as close as my boyfriend. It took me a year to think I loved him and another two before I thought I would marry him, all before I found this out.
This issue started before me and though has nothing to do with me it will directly affect me. I have finally put him in the addict box but still find it hard to lump him in with the stories I have heard about other sex addicts.
What scares me most isn’t the sex addiction but the part that it could all be a lie, all an act, all manipulation. Could this person I love be such a monster? Could those tears be fake? Would he do this again?
I find it all comes back to trust because I know that I will never be able to see it if it happens again, how could I? I missed it the first time. There is no way to know if someone you trust is lying to you without driving yourself crazy.
Are all sex addicts unrecoverable? Will they all lie again? Is there a spectrum? Is this just the beginning or the end?
At the moment i’m still playing emotional ping pong and i’d really like to put my racket down…

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32 Responses

  1. I just want to give you a big hug right now, and can totally relate to your story. I found out two months ago my husband had been on a dating website, and also looking at reviews of prostitutes and escorts. He was also browsing Craigslist for casual encounters. He told me he hasn’t touched another woman, and I do believe him. He said he did not plan to cheat on me physically, I am not sure I believe that. But like you, it is hard for me to place him in the sex addict category because he isn’t actually sleeping with lots of women and he hasn’t had the same ‘acting out’ other sex addicts have. However, I think in both of our cases things have been escalating, and probably would continue to do so. I am so thankful I found out what he was doing before he actually paid a prostitute. I knew he was a porn addict, but like you, that wasn’t a deal breaker for me either. I also understand what you mean about all of the breadcrumbs. It seems like you are starting to make progress, and then you keep getting knocked down again and again. I would highly recommend watching the interviews JoAnn did with Barbara Steffens: I watched last night, and I feel like they are totally describing my situation. It helped me soooo much. I also ordered four books on the topic from amazon and can’t wait for them to come. I would highly recommend getting your own therapist if you haven’t already, it has helped me. I am so happy you shared your story. Talking about all of this helps so much. For me, I feel so uncomfortable and unsure of everything. But, we are stronger than we know. Never doubt your feelings or your instincts. Take care of yourself. I admire your strength. Lots of love, you will be in my prayers.

  2. I could name a hundred women whose SA’s INSISTED that they had not cheated physically and held onto that story relentlessly until the wife found the evidence otherwise. It’s classic SA. Keep that in mind.

    1. march and karebear thank you for your honesty as hard as it to hear. I am still waiting for the full disclosure so I guess I won’t know if anything physical has happened till then, which is why we are on a break. Where I get stuck mostly is that he was not caught, this all came out willing and of his own accord. I could be engaged or married right now and completely ignorantly happy. Everything that he has told me I would never have found out on my own. Is an SA never trust worthy? Are all of them serial liars? If I truly believed he would be untrustworthy moving forward I would leave in a heartbeat, but why would he be doing this if he was anything but sincere?

  3. SD, and all of you. I could have been you. I discovered the exact same things you did. My then husband gave me the same story, he had not acted on any of the things I found on his computer. I was still not able to get past the strip clubs, Craigslist etc. and we eventually divorced. That was 3 and 1/2 years ago. I thought he was a porn addict, wasn’t sure…didn’t have proof and didn’t know how that was different from a sex addict. I have spent a lot of time of this website and others seeking answers and wondering…
    then last Saturday I got a phone call. My ex-husbands girlfriend. Her and I have not been friends in any way. She was sobbing and what transpired over the next two days would shock all of you. He had verified many suspicions I had to her, while in a drunken/ambien stupor one night. She had too much detail to be making it up. The truth was out. I thought I knew everything and accepted his explanation. I only knew a quarter of what he had done to me. He did hire prostitutes, he brought them to my bed, he slept with my friends, he paid for happy endings during massages, he physically cheated every single time he was out of town. He had cybersex, homosexual sex, multiple partner sex, sex with complete strangers who never knew his name or he theirs.
    He told her it was all to hurt me because he hated me so badly. He dated her before our divorce was final. He lied to me and to her and to everyone inbetween.
    He is now doing the same to her, all while keeping her “trapped” emotionally. He made me crazy, and makes her crazy.
    Listen, back up your boundaries. Porn is cheating…porn is dangerous. And you do not know everything.

  4. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Yes, my husband also did the minimizing, it was ONLY chat. nothing physical happened. not true. but like you, I found out the truth in dribs and drabs. It does not matter what we call it and it does not matter whether he’s better or worse or anything than those “other” guys. My husband is a darling, very kind, nice man–until he’s cheating and lying. Can you live like that? I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Much strength and the wisdom to understand what lies inside your heart. K

  5. Your boyfriend has a huge problem. I hear you minimizing some of the things he has done, which we all tend to do with discovery. Porn should not be acceptable to any of us in terms of a substitute for a loving relationship.
    Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder and and only a symptom of a much deeper problem that needs to be delved into by a professional counselor. It also escalates because the SA needs a bigger high as his addiction progresses. It sounds like your boyfriend is escalating and/or substituting one addiction for another.
    It is good that he has disclosed some of his indiscretions, but I guarantee you he is probably only telling about 25% of what he has done. Sounds like he is experiencing some guilt and purging that guilt onto you. Don’t count on getting it all, and you will never be able to trust him. Do you want to live the rest of your life always wondering?
    Do not settle for less than a functional relationship. There are plenty of guys out there who can give you what you want in terms of love and intimacy. Your boyfriend will never be able to do that – he is on the maturity level of a child.
    If I were you I would set the bar much higher to meet your needs. Get out now and do not look back. That is my advice to you after spending 3 yrs. with an addict who lies, manipulates, and minimizes. Yours will do the same. From my experience, an addict is not capable of changing without years of therapy, and then the percentages for recovery are around 5%. What that means is your boyfriend may be able to learn to manage his addiction somewhat, but you can look forward to living a life of always waiting for the ball to drop. He most likely would have slips and relapses for the rest of his life. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture for you, but unfortunately, that is the reality of addiction. Once an addict always an addict.
    You ask if those tears can be fake. Oh ya! I watched my sa cry crocodile tears during -the entire relationship. An SA will act in such a way to keep you hooked. They are great at playing the victim card, and he WILL do it again.
    Cut your losses and run like hell. You are lucky to have found out before you married him. If you read all the stories from the spouses of SA’s, you will find very few who have not suffered years of heartbreak, and very few success stories.

    1. I’ve been struggling through this hell for 4 years, have met countless partners, have yet to hear ONE true success story. Again, I’ve never met a partner who stayed with her SA and is TRULY happy, and I have never met a partner who left and regretted it.

    2. I am so glad you all are willing to share your stories. It helps so much to hear from people who have been living with a SA. I felt like I would regret leaving, and that maybe my SA could change. I fear I would let him down, give up on my marriage, that I would be the bad person. But reading about the low success rates of recovery and the turmoil, I feel it helps me feel more prepared to leave.

  6. I would not even consider marrying a sex addict, or continuing to date him. His addiction doesn’t mean he’s evil or a bad person, it means he’s a sex addict and brings the relationship baggage that any addict brings, only on steroids. It’s so much worse. Consider his admission and coming to you with this info to be a gift and to reflect on the man he is at his core, but please do not allow it to influence you that his addiction is any “better” or that there is more hope than with other sex addicts. Whether he had sex with someone else is not relevant to his sex addiction. What your boyfriend has done in terms of acting out already is vastly more than my husband did after 30 plus years of sex addiction ( and I wouldn’t believe anything at that stage of recovery, or lack of recovery, without a polygraph to back it up). And my husband is a full fledged sex addict, I can’t deny that or pretend that he is “better” than other sex addicts. They have different ways to act out and different stages of their addiction.
    My husband has been in recovery for 5 yrs, and so have I. We’ve worked hard individually and together and I woke up a few months ago and realized that i was happy with my life and relationship. I wouldn’t tell anyone to hang in there and work on recovery with their SA, much of the 5 yrs., especially early on, was difficult and frustrating unrewarding and some of it was a lot worse than that. And much of it brought self insight and personal growth, communication and relationship skills…but I could have worked on those things without my SA. I made a choice to work with him, and I don’t regret it, but as many others have pointed out, I don’t know what the future will hold as regards this relationship. That may be true of any relationship, but infinitely more so with sex addiction in the mix,.

  7. SD, The saddest part is that we ARE often demonized and its usually by HIS family. It is not just
    the SA that decimates us, but all that goes with it. And what goes with it, is the part that cannot be changed. Some men do stop acting out, but the part that caused them to act out in the first place is the problem. It is sorely misunderstood. Most of these guys are truly VERY nice men.(on the surface) They are helpful, gregarious, fun to be around, charming, ingratiating, polite—and also, very sick.

    but, please you must understand one very important point. No one else will see it so don’t make the mistake I made trying to make others understand and suggest such a notion. They will think that YOU are mad for even suggesting this! And IF he had to go astray it was because YOU were such a hideous, cold bitch! Yes, that is what they think even if they have scant if ANY evidence to back it up. After all, he is such a NICE GUY!!! But who cares what they think? Its the stuff of nightmares. For me, it is layer upon layer of hurt and betrayal. hideous loss. and pain. This is why I have to get outta here! Every day is bringing me one step closer. I am wishing you strength and wisdom to see through all of the muck into the truth and the reality of your situation. with love -K

  8. Hi there, I ussually never post ti these walls-but I too feel compelled to
    Share my story. My bf of one year is intensely charming and good looking. Everyone thinks that he is a great guy. About six months ago-I went through his cell phone and found texts to random people, including a transsexual. Long story short he admitted to having sex with this person, but says it was pure curiosity and that he would never do it again. He begged for my forgiveness. I gave it to him, like an idiot. Fast forward six months and we are now living together. He swears all his online fantasies and cheating are over. I continue to have suspicions. Finally, two weeks ago I had some time alone with his computer. I searched it and my worst fears were confirmed. Again, he had been messaging, sending and recurring nude photos and setting up meets with people from Craiglisr, adult Friend Finder and plenty of fish. He had several email counts that he used-it was all insane. Again- he swears nothing physical happened, and actually tried to tell me that it was harmless and that I was being closed minded. He also compared this habit to my smoking habit and aid he would quit the online stuff when I quit smoking. He also told me that he loved me more than he has lived anyone ever. I kicked him out… But his lure is strong. I am still very attracted to him…every day I fight with myself to not call or text him. Cognitively I know he will ruin my life if I stay with him. But, I believe that in some way I am addicted to him! I have to stay strong….this has been one of the worst things for my self esteem and my own sexuality. I am damaged goods for my future relationships!!! It is hell.

    1. I hope you stayed away as well. These men I think want to get caught. So many , including myself, had alone time w their computer. You would think they would have a huge password protected program. I guess they think that if we find out,, they will cry victim and we will stay.

  9. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you that commented and shared your story. I didn’t want to write this post until I was sure I had made the right decision and followed through. I broke up with my boyfriend this afternoon. I realized after your posts, listening to some podcasts and talking to some others that I did need to leave my boyfriend. Our relationship was not perfect to begin with and now with this addition, was unhealthy. I realized that I was not ready to accept that this is the best I could do, that there isn’t someone out there who will treat me better and respect me more. I decided that I reject the co-dependent label and reject that I have an issue for choosing a sex addict. This part of the disease still makes me furious. Even though its oversimplified I have an analogy of a pen rolling around in my brain. I feel like I asked for a blue pen, someone handed me what they said was a blue pen and it had a blue cap and then it wrote red and then i’m being told something is wrong with me for not knowing the pen was red!! Well, maybe you should have checked to see if the ink was red…really? Why would I do that? Everything told me the pen was blue! Now I am in counseling so maybe something will come up and i’ll find out i’m wrong, but right now I feel like i’ve been lied to and betrayed, so yes NOW I have issues. I am still very angry and I know that I will need lots of counseling to not have trust issues in future relationships. I have been through a trauma and unfortunately it was caused by someone I loved, which I think magnifies it. I am still extremely heartbroken but I realized that I didn’t need to put my racket down, I needed to refuse to play the game. I even had a dream last night where I was about to get married and become a second wife and on the day of my wedding I refused, talk about issues even my subconcious is in on it! I think you ladies helped me more than anything. I think deep down in my heart I wanted to post my story and have you all tell me to stay, tell me he wasn’t so bad, give him bonus points for telling me because then I wouldn’t have to throw away four years. It was tough to hear but I think it gave me the strength I needed. Four years, it still chokes me up and I never realized how intertwined our lives were still I started to slowly pull him out of it. Picture here, shirt there, at home, at work, in my car. I hope I am at the bottom of this pit and that the only way is up…

    1. Thanks for the update. I’m really happy to hear the choice you made. Congratulations on loving yourself and for not lowering the bar. You deserve someone who is capable of truly loving you, someone who has real feelings, someone who doesn’t walk through life navigating by his penis in a porn-induced trance. I will celebrate for you today. For all of us who break free.

    2. I am so happy to hear of your clear-minded decision. I promise that while it is hard right now, you have made the only decision you could make to take care of you. Be thankful for your experience, it will make you stronger and wiser. Way to be strong!
      may I ask what pod-casts you listened to? I would like to see what they have to offer.

      Thanks! And good luck!

      1. karebear – i listened to Pure Sex Radio by Jonathan Daugherty who runs “Be Broken” Ministries. My ex-boyfriend sent them to me, he listens to them. I don’t know if I was already too angry to listen them or if they just aren’t any good. In one they compare finding out about the addiction to having your hand placed in boiling water. Then they go on to say well at least when it happens again you will know what it feels like so it won’t hurt as bad. I was fuming in my car on the highway. Then in “lust and lying” they say that our society is raising children to lie, all children it seems, except the perfectly average ones. The not so good ones lie so you think they are better and the great ones lie because they aren’t always perfect. Where does personal responsibility come in? I think i’m going through the stages of grief because i’m angry and I do sort of feel like someone has died. I’m angry too because after four years he made me break me up with him over text. I wanted to do it right, I wanted to see him to give him his stuff and end our four relationship with the respect it deserves. He did’t, he “can’t bear to see me” oh spare me! AND he immediately changed our relationship status on facebook. I had to do damage control and delete it from showing up in my newsfeed. The last thing I need is everyone I know, knowing we broke up the second it happens! They will all want to know why and help, but I need time to think and process. It was just so childish and hurtful, just more fuel for the anger.

    3. Well done–a hard task but one that will allow you to go on to live a life free of lies and deception, pain and suffering.

      There is a another life out there. One step at a time will get you there. It’s not easy street either, but it holds more joy, growth and promise, and that’s what you truly deserve.

      Stay steady

    4. Dear PPP,

      I’m late to this thread, but I just want to say “BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!” There is no doubt in my mind that you have made the right decision. I learned the truth about my “husband” after 23 years of hell, otherwise known as marriage.

      You lost four years…….I lost my life to a sex addict. I love your pen analogy….it is dead on accurate. Please do not allow anyone to convince you that you are co-dependent because you ended up falling for a con man. You were duped by one of the best, as we all were.

      I admire the clarity of your thought and the strength you have clearly demonstrated in breaking up with your SA. Nothing good can come from staying with a sex addict. They have deep seated issues that generally stem from childhood. It takes decades and thousands in therapy to even scratch the surface of the issues. You will survive…..may you THRIVE!!!! And may you find a healthy man with whom to build a life.

      My best, Betty (50 years old, two grown children, married 26 years to a fucktard)

  10. PPP, you’s a badass! Brava! I have been with my husband for 25 years. Two kids. nearly half my life. Tomorrow, I am going to plunk down 20k for a deposit for an apartment. My mom is lending me the cash against money she has in trust, however she needs the interest to live on. I will pay her the interest and at least half of the principal when we sell our home and the rest over time. For years and months, I was bitching and moaning that I didn’t have the funds to leave. didn’t couldn’t. That was and is true, but I got to the point that it was leave or self-destruct and I so want to live and so I figured it out!I’m making good money now, and will be okay, but without my Mom’s help, I truly could not do this, because SA managed to fuck up our finances royally. I am afraid, but I’m more afraid of staying in this stifling half-life with a loser who goes to therapy for a month and then decides to stop and go back on an “as needed basis.” wtf? What on earth constitutes an “as needed basis?” what a fucking joke! He’s hopeless. I too wonder how I’m to trust anyone ever again. This man was my rock and anchor during all of life’s many storms… that is, until he morphed into a hurricane, himself and devastated everything in his sick wake. Your blue pen analogy is brilliant and one of the reasons the co-dependent moniker makes me wanna hurl.

    Karebear. I love your blog and did write you some time ago. What bitter-sweet vindication to be contacted by his next victim–I mean girlfriend/wife/place-holder, whatever she is. And yes, we never know EVERYTHING. And why would we believe a known liar, to begin with? We believe because there’s a part of us that cannot, will not grasp that this man that we love and have built a life around is actually a cold-blooded liar, capable of doing unspeakable acts. Acts which any sane, normal man would understand would KILL US, if we found out. And we always DO FIND OUT–EVENTUALLY! So, how do we trust ourselves to know the difference? Quite frankly, I am not sure. All I know right now, is there’s a new life awaiting me and I cannot wait to be able to report how this was the best decision of my life! I do not need ANY man to feel loved and cherished. I already am. love to all – Kim

  11. Kimberly thank you for the reinforcement. It sounds like you are well on the way to a happy life. I can’t imagine how much stronger you have had to be for your kids. This whole weekend I have felt like someone punched me in the stomach. We traded stuff and finally had a face to face meeting. It was so weird but only because it was so normal. It would have been so easy to take him back, but I didn’t, I knew I couldn’t trust myself to make any decisions while there. I can’t even imagine having to live with someone after something like this. I’m not the badass, all you wives and partners who can’t make a clean break and still managed to keep yourselves sane, you are. The worst has been the fallout, everyone wants to know why and what happened. I am normally a very open and talkative person so “not wanting to talk about” is way out of character. I have to keep this a secret from someone very special in my life because if I tell them it could get back to his boss and I’m not sure what would happen. I know this person cares for both of us and can’t fully understand why I made this decision and might even be a little bit angry at me for it, they told me he was planning to propose in November. This only made things worse for me, but I know I made the right decision and someday they will understand. Its still hard for me to focus and I feel sick to my stomach alot. As I got my stuff yesterday the song red light by David Nail was all I could think of “some are heading home, some are leaving town, while my worlds crashing down on a Sunday while the sun shines” because isn’t that what a breakup or divorce is a future world crashing down or a bull dozing of a future? Trying to move forward slowly and so glad this website exists, it’s the best support I’ve gotten through this

  12. PPP,

    you are worried that something that you tell a close friend might get back to his boss? sooooooooo? This is not your problem. why are you protecting him instead of helping YOURSELF? You NEED support and you need to TALK ABOUT THIS! this is HIS problem and HIS problem alone, but he has done considerable damage to you and if you keep protecting him like this, all you are doing is letting him hurt you again and again, by default. And you ARE a badass. Denial is the more prevalent situation with many a newbie in your position but you are meeting this head on. If someone close to you asks what on earth happened? tell them the truth! my most common response is that he was leading a double life. that’s all you have to say. that will shut them up. you haven’t actually said WHAT the other life is, but of course, they will automatically understand the euphemism, so you’re covered. you didn’t actually say what he was doing, but you’ve given them enough info that they will understand the situation better. Whatever other people want to infer is again, not your problem. If they want to know more. fine and if not that is fine too. you are not asking them to take sides and of course, you can’t control how others perceive this, but you never know… that person, might take you aside and tell you their own tail of woe.

    1. Sometimes, when I share my story–the reason for the split–with another woman, I actually *see* the light go on in her eyes as her own fears and suspicions begin to make sense for her. The the questions start: How did you find out? What were the signs? Did he make you think you were the one who is crazy…Sometimes, the truth helps others. It might hurt at first, but it serves them.

  13. Well its been about two months now since I broke up with my boyfriend and I thought i’d leave an update. Tomorrow if we had made it would have been our four year anniversary. I had a relative tell me that he had been planning to propose on our anniversary, which only makes it harder. Which comes to why i’m writing, I feel like I need to share but there isn’t a whole lot of places to do an emotional dump where people are understanding. The first two weeks of the breakup were hard. I felt like I was going to throw up the first week and the second week had waves of crying at random times. I also had to get an all natural sleeping pill in order to sleep at night because I became anxious. Which as I type it feels a bit ridiculous but that’s because its my brain reading it but my heart is what went through it. All those things have pretty much subsided and in the last few weeks I have even gotten out and had the chance to flirt a little, which is why I suppose tonight caught me so off guard. I had hoped that I would just have to magically not deal with this and that two months was enough for me to “get over it” but there I was in the kitchen crying over sweet potatoes. Which is completely opposite of how I have been feeling. At some point in the last two months I have had a weight lifted from my shoulders and I know I will never take it back. I am going to a therapist and have some other support but I’m glad I don’t have to go to couples and recovery anymore and that I don’t have to think about or deal with sex addiction. I am overly sensitive when it comes to subjects such as porn and promiscuity and I find nothing funny about either of those subjects even in off hand comments. I usually just try to change the subject. So here I am two months out a little happier, lighter but still dealing with everything. What’s strange to me is that I miss him but I don’t want him back, hell I don’t even want to see him. I’m just confused how can I still miss him and not want to see him? I guess i’m just struggling with the upcoming anniversary…

    1. Wow. You are a strong and wise woman. You have made the best choice for your life.
      Don’t give that “he was propose to you thing” another thought. It’s just a hook to try and entice you back to a life of group meetings, and endless thinking about sex addiction, and spending your life on his shit.
      But it’s perfectly normal even after you’ve made your decision and moved on to still have moments of sadness, especially around the holidays. You lost something. You lost the dreams your had for that relationship, and that is hard. But luckily you realized in time that it could never be that dream. You will have other dreams, thought! Believe it!
      So keep going.
      and yes, isn’t it great not to have to always be with his bad energy and constant sex addiction crap? And yes again, I really don’t like anything careless spoken about porn or screwing around. It just doesn’t seem funny at all.
      Good luck and keep honouring your own life!

    2. I think you is him because we don’t get to SEE our SA in action, we don’t SEE them scouring backpage and preferred411 for hookers. We don’t SEE THEM TEXTING HOOKERS ALL NIGHT ETC. if it was heroin they were addicted to, we would see a physical and horrible change. Our guys seem “normal” ….and they are so FAR from normal. We see a great guy with a little issue..and everyone has issues right? Wrong. Most men aren’t out there hiring hookers. Most men don’t trade their gorgeous wife or gf for a nasty $150 ht hooker,

  14. I am so happy to have come across this site, like most of the women here I have just discovered that my bf is a sex addict. For months I’ve been struggling with his membership to dating sites, POF, Adult Friend Finder, Zoosk name it he’s on it. The strange thing about him was that he appeared docile, shy and meek. Yes he had this tendency to be verbally abusive but the last thing on my mind was that he was also a sex addict.

    Recently he admitted that he has a porn addiction. But then said he really loved me and would want to marry me he just needed to get things out of his system. So what was this? He has been meeting women from adult sites, inviting them to his house. He can’t even stop texting them when we are together. When I confronted him about it, he even got mad with me. He is a liar and a cheat and he covers it up with crocodile tears.

    In addition to his other addictions he is also addicted to pot which gives him the courage to go after this prostitutes. What bothers me is that his needs and escalated and I know he won’t be able to get it out of his system without professional help. I told him he was sick and needed help. He asked if I could go with him because his tendency is to lie to the therapist come therapy time. I said I will help him one time.

    This morning while we were texting to one another I saw on his IPAD (which I use) that he was sex texting a whore 20 yrs his senior, while he was exchanging messages with me. I got so pissed and you know what he said? He said that I should have deleted IMessages in his IPAD so I don’t need to see what’s going on. He also told me that its a busy week and if I will only nag him I better stop texting him. Isn’t he a pig? Then a few minutes after he asks if we will see each other this weekend, you know why? He wants me to get his pot for him. It was that moment that I knew enough was enough. I am prolonging an end, this weekend I will tell hi, it’s over. Yes there were good times but I had to pay for it for all the heartache he has given me.

    Thank you so much for your exchange here, it has enlightened me from what I refused to see all this time.

    1. Maria,
      I know i’m a bit late at replying, I normally try not to think about this time in my life but sometimes I need to come back and remember what it felt like, remember why I ended it and why it was the right thing to do. I hope you are at a better point in your life and that you have moved on. I am happy that reading my story and the responses have helped you. I have begun to talk about my story more and it has helped, this site still helps me tremendously and it gave me the last push I needed to walk away. Remember you deserve more, we all deserve more. Don’t forget every day we tell people how they can treat us by what we allow them to do and by what we don’t allow them to do. I still think walking away from my sex addict was the best thing I could have done. I hope you are on your way to healing and moving forward with your life.

    2. I hope you stayed away!!!! I know it’s hard because they draw us in. But he sounds like he was doing what mine was doing…and mine had gone through treatment,,,twice!!!!!!!! We will All be better off without these losers in our lives !!

  15. I want to share what I have learned about dating a SA.
    – they are charming
    -they are habitual liars
    -they only tell younwhatbthey WANT to tell you
    -if they have a lot of money, you can expect them to never stop (especially when their addiction is escorts like my SA)
    -they don’t have many friends if any at all
    -they ALWAYS have women around them or ones from the past that they will call
    – they frequently will call and or text the hookers they have hired…they think they are friends. What they are really doing is trying to find someone who condones their behavior .
    -they will tell you “progress not perfection” and it’s BS. 5% of SA actually fix their addiction. So if you put your SA in a room of 99 other SA….what are his chances of being one of the five that fix themselves?? SCOURING BACKPAGE,COM for whores is not progress. Hiring them 2-3 times a month is NOT PROGRESS, even if he used to hire them twice a week and three times on Friday.
    -mine was naive. He left his passwords in plain view. I looked at his phone bill…and that was how I found out. I also looked at this prostitute secured site where they can contact them…saw he had mired them when he and I were together , some of them on the same day right before I came over and spent the night,
    -they have NO EMPATHY
    -they do NOT know how to love and will leave you if you love them or if you are on to them
    -doing 2 stints in rehab does not always work
    – they have not worked on their shame and guilt…
    – they are HUGE manipulators
    – just because they tell you up front does not mean they are telling you EVERYTHING. They are telling you what they want you to hear “I’ve not hired anyone in a LONG TIME” haha mine to,d me that and I found out he had hired someone or tried to like 4 days before he met me.
    – “I just like texting them..the hunt. I rarely go through with it” well, this is kind of true because he texted them EVERY SINGLE DAY and hired them like oncea week at least.
    -they are HUGELY NARCISTIC, but you won’t think so because of their low self image
    They will hire the nastiest women…..even when their gf or wife is hot. Mine would hire large black women like 300 lbs, large white women too. It was like he was a chubby chaser or something. And he was not a big guy. Just gross.then right after….he’d go eat dinner, you’d think he’d be busy throwing up.
    -they might use a condom for sex but they do NOT. For anything else. And these women allow the guys to perform oral on them. Not knowing or caring if they had just slept with someone 30 min prior to their “appointment”
    -yes, you can get throat cancer from hpv
    -they have excuses as to why all their relationships broke up. None of them are because “I use prostitues all the time” of at least they don’t say that.
    – it escalates…mine claimed to have hired a shemale at the height of his addiction…..”but when he got there he couldn’t go through with it” …..I doubt that!!
    – they will look like a wolf in Sheeps clothing.. Mine was very kind and smart and funny and didn’t even drink or do drugs at all.. He lived In a Gorgeous penthouse in an upscale part of downtown. I imagine the front desk has seen their share of hookers going to his place.

    I hate mine yet I love him. I won’t go back. He’s currently trying to find new fresh meat on match,com….and will stil hire hookers. He said if he could stop he would but its not that easy. I should have said ” why didn’t you tell me that when you met me and not after you devastated me and my children?”
    Stay away from an SA of any kind. It is not like any other kind of addiction. It can be easily hidden. And they are masters at it.

    1. Oh and also. This is important. My sex life w my SA was seemingly normal. He did not watch a lot of porn at all, I think we may have watched it together a couple times and that was it, I did always seem to find it on his ipad , but just assumed that it was no big deal. Now I realize…I think he was beating off to it when he was texting these hookers all night long , while I was home in my bed.

      THEY WILL NEVER TELL YOU THE COMPLETE TRUTH. Run away fast and listen to what all of the ex girlfriends say. I did not.

      1. Hi, Nashgirl,
        I just found out my boyfriend of two years, now exbf. is an addict. He has devastated me with this news. I am 52 and he is 55. we met on eh and even though there’s been red flags and lots of drama, w connected on levels which I felt were worth working through. I am an attractive woman and in good shape yet he always found some thing to critiize abut me appearance…my hair, not enough makeup, dresses not short enough, and on and on…plus he nit picked at my weight, which is truly only about 20 lbs over my high school weight. None of this made sense. For the first year he would barely kiss me,,,and blamed it on all kinds of things…all the while he was telling me how much he LOVED sex…..but just never was interested when we were together….then he was diagnosed with low t last Oct and began TRT and now he is horny all the time and yet he never has an orgasm or can ejaculate when we have sex. He also wants to try new things….wants me to talk dirty to him…but still never seems like its enough. I do not know the extent of his addiction, bc today he is telling me he lied about it and did it to sabatauge the relationship…I don’t know what is real anymore but I do NOT trust him at all and I am just hurt and sick. Three days ago I accidently discovered an explicit photo of a woman on his computer…..and his replies to craigs list in his history of one day….but he had erased all his history prior…and this was while i was on vacation with him! So, I know there are huge issues…I have cut him out of my life over and over but he always sucks me back into the drama. Now, with this knowledge and his response to it… i am humiliated and sick at the same time. How did you move on? I am educated and by all accounts a good catch….your thoughts

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