My question is, ‘Do I stay and hope for the best, or say fuck it I’m done?’
I met my husband 9 years ago. We married almost 6 years ago. During our first years of marriage I would find printed out pictures of women. I really never thought much of it. We moved for jobs to Florida, after some time he landed a great job but it required us being separated for a little over a year.
During that time I would drive 7 hours to spend a few days with him every month. It seemed like every time I went to visit all we did was argue I always thought it was the job, he worked 70 a week sometimes more. Eventually the job ended, after a few months he got laid off, Things went from bad to worse quick. It was as this point where I really woke up. The porn on the computer was out of control. He would stay up all nite. His brother was living with us at the time and say things to him about it, like “why are you surfing porn when you have a pretty wife.”
My husband would blow it off with a funny type comment. Over time I got fed up with the constant fighting and everyday constant porn surfing so I packed up and left him and moved out of state to TN staying with my father and his wife Well things fell thru and unfortunately I needed my husband after about 3 months of separation. Immediately we started back where we left off. Eventually we got an apartment and he found odd jobs for about 2 years. The whole time still on porn sites and masturbating. He would blame me for finding out. Then more arguing with promises of him saying he would stop. Yeah for 2 maybe 3 days then right back at it daily until the next round.
Eventually I left him again, but after a few months for financial reasons and promises from him that he would stop I came back. What a mistake, nothing changed.
Last year I took a job out of town, I could only come home on the weekends. That is when I really realized what had been going on. The sex dating sites, enormous amounts of porn, acting out, serious serious panty fetish, it drove me insanely nuts.
So after 4 months I quit that job and came home thinking it would help. Not. I got another job here but I worked long hours and 6 to 7 days a week, so once again it porn crazy for him. Dating sites and who knows what else. During all of this I was going mad. I blamed myself, hated my life, felt removed. I cried, screamed, begged and pleaded for him to stop.. Nothing worked. So I once again left, but after revealing all of this to his mother. In turn she informed me that she kinda knew about this before we met but thought he had stopped after we met, only because he lied to her. So I was on the road to her house in NY when I get a call from my husband wanting to know what was going on. I told him that he needed to get help, that I couldn’t live like this anymore.. And once again I believed him when he said that he would stop. So I turned around and drove 8 hours back. That was 5 months ago. He did stop for a week, then I found out again he was back at it, giving me every excuse he could think of. Meanwhile I was getting physically ill, losing weight, sleepless nites, headaches.
In June I finally said enough is enough. I found a SANON/SA program around us and started going. At first he was hesitant, finally he went.
I have been learning to take care of me thru reading and telling my story to others. Lately we have been getting along better and telling each other more about our past but he is still actively looking at porn and maturbating, but it is down to 1 maybe 2 times a week.
But I am still very hurt, insecure and defitintely not trusting him. I ask myself why? Why can’t I leave? Why does he keep doing this knowing the pain and hurt it causes? Why would he want porn and not the real thing? What could I have done differently? I know I’m not to blame, but I find myself wondering if I can stay. If it is worth it to hope that maybe one day he will give it all up. I get the hopeless feeling that this will never end. I am 42.
So, do I stay and hope for the best, or say fuck it I’m done, have fun with yourself, literally. There is still so much mistrust and pain for me.