Christine’s Story – Engaged To A Sex Addict

I received this story several months ago. I hope Christine is still with us and will update her story. ~ JoAnn

I am engaged to a Sex Addict. I first met my fiancé January 21st, 2004. I was 17, and had been chatting with him for a few weeks on a popular teenage/college dating website.

Everything was wonderful. He was sweet, polite, came from a loving family with 2 working parents who are still married and a sister who was my age. He was 2 years older than me. We started seeing a lot of each other and I remember saying to my family “He’s sweet, but I don’t know if he’s right for me”

They all told me to go for it because I wasn’t going to find anyone else who would treat me better than him. He even bought me a gold necklace for our 2 month anniversary.

We moved in together in September of 2004. He was going to college. One day the phone rang and I answered it. It was a girl asking to speak with him. I later found out it was a girl from college whom he had told he was single and wanted to date her.

He also received calls on his cell phone from random women. He dropped out of college, and got a job. I finally got a job as well at a local retail store, and came home from my first shift to find him missing. I found out that evening that he went out with an ex-girlfriend who set him up on a date with one of her friends to play strip-poker.

That got us started on a huge argument! It was in that argument that I found out in the summer time, when I was admitted into the hospital for 10 days for having a blood clot in my lung (potentially life threatening) that he was on a date with another girl and bought her a necklace for her birthday.

All of this went on for a year or so, and we were fighting like crazy but had a lease. I told him I would stay until the end of the lease because neither of us could afford the apartment on our own. It was a month or two before the end of our lease that I found out I was pregnant.

We discussed it and decided that he was going to change and he really wanted to get married and have a family. I wouldn’t agree to marriage at that point, but did agree to having the baby (I didn’t believe in abortion).

We moved to a different town to live with my mother while I was pregnant and once the baby was born to save on money. Our daughter was born by C-Section on April 12th, 2006. He was so happy! We were so happy! (or so I thought).

My incision from the birth got infected about 2 weeks after, and I had to have a home nurse come to my house every day to clean it out and pack it with gauze (a VERY painful experience). The deal we had arranged was that I would take care of the baby during the day, and he would get up during the night to do a feeding and diaper change (she was on formula).

I awoke to her screaming and crying one morning when she was a little over a month old. I ran into the other room to find her strapped in a vibrating chair, and my boyfriend nowhere to be found. He had vanished.

After doing some investigating, I found out he had charged my credit card with over $200 for online porn and had been chatting with a girl online who lived in another city. He took a bus there and was staying with her. He withdrew $1000 from our savings account and spent it all in a week. He had unprotected sex with this other girl countless times.

I finally got a hold of him and convinced him to come home. I actually drove down there to pick him up. Of course at this point, he was telling me that he was staying with a male friend that he used to work with. I later found out the whole truth.

I was so angry at him and he moved home with his parents. He was so apologetic for everything that happened and swore it would never happen again. We continued to see each other over the next few months. So in October 2006, we signed another lease and moved into an apartment together. Things started happening again.

I went away for a weekend, and came back to find the shower pressure was changed to a setting we never use. There was purple shower gel on my white sheets that I know I didn’t put there. He came up with stories of course which to this day I still don’t believe. He took off angry one night and went to an internet cafe to look at porn, and didn’t come home till morning. He told me he slept in the car, but I don’t believe that either.

After this lease was done I had had enough. We went our separate ways, but still saw him on weekends so he could visit his daughter. Over the course of 2 years he went back to school for Accounting, got a successful full time job, and was doing great. He showed a huge interest in his daughter, was a great, loving father, and was extremely sweet to me. He would take me to dinner, treat me like a queen.

We decided to move into a rental house together in December of 2009. Things went so well for almost 2 years. We had both matured and were dealing with things differently. There was no suspicion anymore about him. I felt I could trust him again.

He was amazing to me and our daughter and I felt this is really going to work. He proposed to me June of 2011. I said yes of course because things were so great and this is the life I knew I wanted. We have our wedding planned for October 13th, 2012 and are excited. He talks about it openly about how much he loves me and that he’s not scared about it at all because we’ve known each other for 8 years.

Our daughter is now 5 and very aware of what is going on. Anyways, last night, the cell phone rings. He acted very suspicious. I asked him who it was and he said wrong number. I asked him for the phone but he wouldn’t give it to me. He begged me, and begged me not to ask for the phone. I finally got it from him and he had deleted all the information.

Then it rang and I answered it. It was another woman calling for him. I found out the whole story. He was at work and looked up meeting up with someone on Craiglist on his work hour. He arranged to meet her that night after work. He called me as he usually does when he was about to leave. Then he went to pick her up, drove to a park, and received a blow job from her. He gave her $95 for her services, brought her back home. Then he phoned me again and said there was traffic, so he’s going to be a little late getting home.

I broke down crying. I can’t believe this has happened again. I feel so alone. My family already hates him and can’t believe I agreed to marry him. I swore up and down he had changed, and now this. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 6 years now so I have no job, no recent work history, no money. I feel very trapped. We have put $1000 into down payments for our wedding and would not get any of this money back if I cancel. I don’t know what to do. He has admitted that he is a sex addict, and is very remorseful for what has happened.

He broke down crying saying he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him or why he does this. And that he regretted it the minute it was all done. He still swears up and down that he loves me and my daughter and wants to get married. He says he wants to get councelling. We can’t afford it though.

Hopefully he can find something through his plan through work. What do I do? Do I go through with the wedding in hopes that he really can change?

Any suggestions or comments from people would be greatly appreciated.

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Responses

  1. Suggestions?

    the succinct answer is:

    RUN!

    the long answer is:

    Hun, do ya see a pattern here? This is the deal. He has proven to you over and over and over and over and over……… that his word is worth absolutely nothing and that he is a liar and a cheater and that he has unprotected sex with hookers and that he is a sex addict who is ONLY remorseful when he is caught. Tell me, who’s going to take care of your precious daughter when you get sick and die because your husband gave you AIDS? Please, for the love of God, you have got to get away from this sicko.

    I know what it feels like to be stuck, but unless you want to have a lifetime of misery with this man, expose your daughter to a pervert (not to mention and unreliable baby sitter!) and worse, you are going to need to find a way out. This is my advice from someone well old enough to be your Mom. Get a job,(or two or three if you have to) enlist family and friends for help; put your daughter in day care when she’s not in school and make a new life for yourself. That is the only way you will ever find any hope of having any peace. If you stay with him, it is certain pain and misery. guaranteed. He has already proven repeatedly that he cannot and will not change! Not for you, not for your daughter and definitely not even for himself. Good riddance!

  2. 2 suggestions.

    1.RUN

    2.Find out , as most of us here have had to, why do put up with all this crap.

    Falling in love with a man not knowing he is a sex addict is one thing , ignoring red flags..oh oh..staying back with a sex addict hoping and thinking he will change ..a bigger OH OH..but staying with an active sex addict knowingly is a complete NO NO,we need to work on ourselves.

    What he is and what he does is not the issue here ,the issue is why do we so want to be in a relationship with a man like this , why do we keep going back after D day, as most of us here have done at some time or other in some form or other, why do we keep buying his lies even after knowing everything,why dont we set a higher bar for what we deserve?

    As about being amazing, please understand thats all an act.Juxtapose all his “amazingness” with the zillion lies he must have told you,the way he abandoned your infant daughter ,the total disregard for your health and think whether that little bit of amazingness,(which in any case is a puton to deceive you)makes up for the rest of the crap he unloads on you? And if you say yes to that, then please find out why dont you want and expect a man to be amazing all 24 hours?DOnt all of us deserve that instead of just this part time amazingness we are willing to settle for?

    Like Kim here am also old enough to be your mom.And as always, she talks a lot of sense and makes very valid points.

    LEAVE.And dont look back.EVER.

  3. You put a thousand dollars down on a wedding that’s going to cost a lot more than that, but he can’t afford counseling?!! Dear girl, you cannot afford to be married to this trying-to-pass-as-a-man! You asked for advice, and you’re getting it. Cut your losses. Get a job! Become self-sufficient. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD! Yes, he’s a pervert. He’s profoundly dishonest. He’s a user, who has no respect for women–who doesn’t even think of them as people but, rather, as objects to be used for his selfish pleasure.

  4. Christine, Christine, Christine………

    Compare and contrast the “cost” of losing $1,000 of down payments to the cost of the wedding and the cost of the divorce. Which will be cheaper in the long run? What is your life worth? Are you going to throw your life away because you put $1,000 down in deposits? Hello? Is anybody home?

    Now, I want you to step outside of this situation and imagine that your best friend came to you and told you this story. What would you advise her to do?

    The pattern should be clear to you by now. He’s not going to change without decades and thousands in therapy…..and even then, there is no guarantee. There is about a 5% success rate in treating sexual addiction. Odds are that if you marry him you and YOUR DAUGHTER will be living with a sick pervert for the rest of your life, that is if you stay with him, if you don’t leave him after he’s damaged you some more and potentially your daughter. RUN! For the love of God, run. And get some counseling for yourself to find out why you think so little of yourself that you will tolerate this bull shit for the rest of your life. Sweetheart, this isn’t love, it’s illness. He’s sick and if you are considering marrying this man-boy-child-liar, you are too. He’s never going to change no matter how much he promises that he will. He won’t. Please get out.

    Best, Betty

  5. Christine,

    First of all please know that I am praying for you. Secondly, I do know what you are going through.

    I have been married to my husband for 31 years. Four years ago I “discovered” his addition to cyber sex which led to 3 “meetings” with other women.

    I am still struggling with this addiction…which is what it is. He went for help and for now is on the “right path.”

    My son (now 20) is the one who is suffering now. He has no respect for his Father and barely speaks to him.

    I truly believe that if your “Man” cannot get back to God and your family you are in trouble.

    Pray for that.

    1. Mary,
      I,too,have been married for 31 years and have been through repeated betrayals from my husband. He had supposedly repented and gotten on the “right path” 18 months ago….. in fact he would proclaim his faithfulness and changed heart to me almost daily. That charade came crashing down this morning as he’d been remiss in closing his secret gmail account on his iPhone. There were the host of emails telling the sordid story of a double life which had been going on pretty much continuously. I noticed your post is a couple of years old. I’m hoping (and really wanting to believe) his repentance has been true. How are things for you now? Is he authentic?

  6. I am currently engaged to a SA and found out last night that he cheated on me one month after proposing. I don’t think they can change; not sure I want to stick around to find out. There is so much betrayal, hurt, that I could NEVER trust him. I’m very bitter and what love I had for him is turrnng to hate. Time to move on.