Still unable to admit to myself what was really going on (“maybe it was just a weird popup”), I just kept snooping instead of confronting him. I looked through his photos on his phone to find a picture of his dick. He said he took it to send to me, but since it was unflattering he decided against it. Another stupid excuse.
So, I keep snooping, it had become an obsession at that point. I hated myself for doing it, but felt like it was somehow protecting me. I guess in a way, it did, because if I stopped there would never be any hope for us.
So, I snooped in his email, and found an older (before we were together) Craigslist posting asking for trannys. And another asking for a couple to 3 way with. Since these were before me, I couldnt feel anger, exactly. Our sex life, which used to be amazing, was lacking, to say the least. I would BEG for sex.
I had gotten pregnant and felt so ugly everytime he said he was too tired. He would wake up and go to the bathroom to “poop” with his smart phone, stay in there for half an hour, and he would never flush. He always washed his hands though. I knew he was fapping. I would comment, “oh, you didn’t flush”, and he would get sneakier.
I left a search window open with “husband watched tranny porn, won’t sleep with wife” and he pretended to not see it that morning. It was a tense day, and I finally got him to say that he felt gross, and that my snooping made him angry.
I asked him to please stop, he said he would. I kept finding evidence, as my snooping became an addiction of my own. I kept leaving little notes, like “please stop” typed into the search history page on bing.
We stopped talking about it, because he wouldn’t see eye to eye with me. I felt like it was cheating, he clearly didn’t. At one point we had a heated argument where he was mad at me for snooping, and in my fury, all I could yell was “But you wont stop doing it!!!!”.
I also busted his subscription to adult friend finder. He said he joined because he thought it was just porn. Lies, and gullibility. All during this evolution of my knowledge, we got married, had a beautiful, intimate wedding that most people would pay thousands for (we live in Hawaii). A local musician learned to play Paul Simons “hearts and bones” for US.
Fast forward. Our son is 4 months old, and I still can’t stop snooping, because he won’t stop jacking off in the bathroom (1-3 times a day) and EVERY time I left the house. He was in the shower after work, and I looked at his yahoo mail, when I noticed a screen name I had never seen before. You know the familiar feeling of blood draining from your face, and your heart sinking.
I clicked. A mere 3 months after our marriage, our son was less than two months old, and he had quite a few back and forths from a couple that had posted on casual encounters on Craigslist. He mentioned me, as his girlfriend who he loved very much but would never understand. This happened before the 6 weeks was up, so we weren’t capable of intercourse
At my most vulnerable time, he hurt me so deeply I hope an pray to whatever forces are out there for help healing my heart. I love him JoAnn. It hurts. I looked through emails of old girlfriends, and found that he has always been an addict. One line that hurts like a superheated blade slicing through my viscera is “the first time I saw you, you were spread eagle on the hotel bed and Aden was blowing you”. I can only imagine that Aden is a man.
I know he tried to hook up with a tranny in the very room I’m in right now. His compulsion to masturbate has ALWAYS been there, as far back as he can remember.
Sorry, I’m getting off track. Anyway, I find the evidence of true human contact on his secret email account, and ask him the last time he cheated on me. The typical I got busted answer only acknowledged the ones I already knew about. We got into it. I cried, and collapsed. I kept asking how he could ruin our beautiful life for that smut.
He broke, and was out of his mind with self loathing. He stabbed his phone wildly, and held the butcher knife to his belly, saying he wanted to kill himself for hurting me. I’ve always known my husband has had addiction issues, and has battled depression, migraines, crack, alcohol and nicotine. He said to me that I exorcized the deep, dark, disgusting remnants left of himself.
He has always refers to himself as Hank when he remembers all of the unsavory acts of his past. Jealous rages ended most of his past relationships, even friendships. I think I’m choosing to stay, because he swears that he is disgusted and angered at those phenomena.
We agreed he will not do anything else to hurt me. I can only trust him, I HAVE to let go of the snooping. I set up boundaries, parental controls on the computer, blocking Craigslist, etc. I would like to make it easier on him to resist. I know I can’t control his recovery, but, like you warned, I don’t believe I healed him by busting him.
I am depressed, can’t clean my house, and am avoiding friends and family for fear of collapsing under the pressure and telling them everything. I know I’m stupid for believing him. He told me that he doesn’t want to be grateful that I snooped, because it causes me great pain; but he said he has to be grateful that I’m smart enough to not allow the wool to stay over my eyes, and that he is excited to live life for the first time without darkness.
He told me some things, like experiences and experiments, we talked about how he went looking for porn when he was little, and instead found a mound of drugs and cash. It was the ultimate betrayal from his parents. He also walked in on his mom cheating on his dad with phone sex at a very young age. We both agree these may be the roots, but I feel like there is more he is scared to tell me. I don’t think I want to know.
He is going to go see his healer, friend and acupuncturist, and I can only hope that he talks with her about it. I would love to get some feedback. Thank you so much, I dont know what else to do, except work on my own healing.