I Need To Be Heard And I Need Help

To JoAnn,
It’s so hard to not sob as I type this. I’m 24, married to a 34 year old sex addict. I don’t even know where to start.I began getting irritated at his obvious porn addiction quite soon after I moved in. I would leave the house and know that while I was gone, he would be masturbating. So I checked the internet history. Eventually, I found abnormal subjects in his porn, namely, trannys.

Still unable to admit to myself what was really going on (“maybe it was just a weird popup”), I just kept snooping instead of confronting him. I looked through his photos on his phone to find a picture of his dick. He said he took it to send to me, but since it was unflattering he decided against it. Another stupid excuse.

So, I keep snooping, it had become an obsession at that point. I hated myself for doing it, but felt like it was somehow protecting me. I guess in a way, it did, because if I stopped there would never be any hope for us.

So, I snooped in his email, and found an older (before we were together) Craigslist posting asking for trannys. And another asking for a couple to 3 way with. Since these were before me, I couldnt feel anger, exactly.  Our sex life, which used to be amazing, was lacking, to say the least. I would BEG for sex.

I had gotten pregnant and felt so ugly everytime he said he was too tired. He would wake up and go to the bathroom to “poop” with his smart phone, stay in there for half an hour, and he would never flush. He always washed his hands though. I knew he was fapping. I would comment, “oh, you didn’t flush”, and he would get sneakier.

I left a search window open with “husband watched tranny porn, won’t sleep with wife” and he pretended to not see it that morning. It was a tense day, and I finally got him to say that he felt gross, and that my snooping made him angry.

I asked him to please stop, he said he would. I kept finding evidence, as my snooping became an addiction of my own. I kept leaving little notes, like “please stop” typed into the search history page on bing.

We stopped talking about it, because he wouldn’t see eye to eye with me. I felt like it was cheating, he clearly didn’t. At one point we had a heated argument where he was mad at me for snooping, and in my fury, all I could yell was “But you wont stop doing it!!!!”.

I also busted his subscription to adult friend finder. He said he joined because he thought it was just porn. Lies, and gullibility.  All during this evolution of my knowledge, we got married, had a beautiful, intimate wedding that most people would pay  thousands for (we live in Hawaii). A local musician learned to play Paul Simons “hearts and bones” for US.

Fast forward. Our son is 4 months old, and I still can’t stop snooping, because he won’t stop jacking off in the bathroom (1-3 times a day) and EVERY time I left the house.   He was in the shower after work, and I looked at his yahoo mail, when I noticed a screen name I had never seen before. You know the familiar feeling of blood draining from your face, and your heart sinking.

I clicked. A mere 3 months after our marriage, our son was less than two months old, and he had quite a few back and forths from a couple that had posted on casual encounters on Craigslist. He mentioned me, as his girlfriend who he loved very much but would never understand. This happened before the 6 weeks was up, so we weren’t capable of intercourse

At my most vulnerable time, he hurt me so deeply I hope an pray to whatever forces are out there for help healing my heart. I love him JoAnn. It hurts. I looked through emails of old girlfriends, and found that he has always been an addict. One line that hurts like a superheated blade slicing through my viscera is “the first time I saw you, you were spread eagle on the hotel bed and Aden was blowing you”. I can only imagine that Aden is a man.

I know he tried to hook up with a tranny in the very room I’m in right now. His compulsion to masturbate has ALWAYS been there, as far back as he can remember.

Sorry, I’m getting off track. Anyway, I find the evidence of true human contact on his secret email account, and ask him the last time he cheated on me. The typical I got busted answer only acknowledged the ones I already knew about. We got into it. I cried, and collapsed. I kept asking how he could ruin our beautiful life for that smut.

He broke, and was out of his mind with self loathing. He stabbed his phone wildly, and held the butcher knife to his belly, saying he wanted to kill himself for hurting me. I’ve always known my husband has had addiction issues, and has battled depression, migraines, crack, alcohol and nicotine.  He said to me that I exorcized the deep, dark, disgusting remnants left of himself.

He has always refers to himself as Hank when he remembers all of the unsavory acts of his past. Jealous rages ended most of his past relationships, even friendships. I think I’m choosing to stay, because he swears that he is disgusted and angered at those phenomena.

We agreed he will not do anything else to hurt me. I can only trust him, I HAVE to let go of the snooping. I set up boundaries, parental controls on the computer, blocking Craigslist, etc. I would like to make it easier on him to resist. I know I can’t control his recovery, but, like you warned, I don’t believe I healed him by busting him.

I am depressed, can’t clean my house, and am avoiding friends and family for fear of collapsing under the pressure and telling them everything. I know I’m stupid for believing him. He told me that he doesn’t want to be grateful that I snooped, because it causes me great pain; but he said he has to be grateful that I’m smart enough to not allow the wool to stay over my eyes, and that he is excited to live life for the first time without darkness.

He told me some things, like experiences and experiments, we talked about how he went looking for porn when he was little, and instead found a mound of drugs and cash.  It was the ultimate betrayal from his parents. He also walked in on his mom cheating on his dad with phone sex at a very young age. We both agree these may be the roots, but I feel like there is more he is scared to tell me. I don’t think I want to know.

He is going to go see his healer, friend and acupuncturist, and I can only hope that he talks with her about it.   I would love to get some feedback. Thank you so much, I dont know what else to do, except work on my own healing.

 

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Responses

  1. Healer, huh? Talk to her about what? He can talk and talk and talk all he likes and she can punch holes in his head; it ain’t gonna make a bit o difference. He’s a very sick man and short of a brain transplant, I don’t see how acupuncture and talking can help someone this far gone.

    You’d like Feedback? Okay. You’re 24. very young. Call a lawyer. Make a plan. Run for the hills with your precious son, and don’t look back.

  2. I second Emily…run.. away..far and fast. He will not get better, do not fall for his act. You are young get out while you can. Don’t ever believe him or trust him.

  3. I agree with karebear and Emily. Run! Run! Run! Your husband is very sick, and unless he see’s a counselor specializing in sex addiction he will not even began the road to recovery. It takes years, and you are young. I don’t think you want to agonize and feel traumatized while he is continuing his addiction. He may say he feels bad – don’t believe him. He got caught!!

    The motivation needs to come from him, and he needs to take steps to correct it. If he is talking the talk, but not walking the walk, you can be assured he doesn’t want to change. Pay attention to his behavior, not what he says.

    I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. Please get some counseling for yourself so you can deal with the trauma. S.O.S is a wonderful place to find friendship and love from a group of sister’s who have gone through many of the things you are dealing with now.

    We are here for you.

    Love to you,
    Sharron

    1. This is so incredibly sad. Especially sad because the ones offering advise on here obviously know absolutely nothing about addiction. His behavior is incredibly typical of an addiction. Yes, he is sick, but not in the way you imply. And, yes, it will be a very difficult road to lifelong recovery. But not only can he recover, the two of them can end up having a wonderful life together- for them and their child. Please before you comment on addiction and tell someone to run, learn about addiction. Trust me this man is grieving as much if not much, much more than his wife.

      1. Women married to sex addicts typically read everything they can get their hands on about the addiction. They learn from experience what hell it is to live with a sex addict. Perhaps YOU should learn about relational trauma, PTSD, and what the spouses endure as a result of the years of lies, gaslighting, and betrayals.

      2. Nice try March.
        But with these guys it will NEVER be about our experience. We simply aren’t allowed to have an experience that actually counts unless it is derivative of theirs. We can’t describe that experience, understand it, protect ourselves from it, suggest they consider it, or be treated for it. It is always about them. You can hear how proud he is of his “disease” which is so complicated that we just don’t “understand” it. We just don’t appreciate how upsetting it is for him. All about him always. Another narcissist. Another John. How original.

  4. Sweetie pie – I feel so much for you going through what you are going through. I am taking time to stay up to write you hoping it helps, and i hope you take what I write seriously. I have been at this for 25 years and I know MOST of what this disease and betrayal is all about. You do need to read about Sex Addiction. When we are “in love” we need to understand what just happened to us. I would read the green book from SAA and listen to a few SA meetings on line. When you do this, you will most probably get a few things clear in your mind. One, you are not dimented like an SA. Two, you dont have anything in common with this person. THIS changes your LOVE to either an addiction to FIX him, so you can live out your own FANTASY of marriage – which you really need to GET – is GONE with this man. If you stay, your life and that of your children, is going to have to look very different, many changes are very limiting if you do this right. HE is VERY ILL, and it takes YEARS of SERIOUS counseling to make him FIT for a relationship, and that is if he works at this with everything he has, including finding a job that will fit his issues. Some move to the woods and cut wood to stay out of town, some never get on line again. I would love to talk to you by phone because right now you are in shock, and it is so very understandable. You have now entered serious enemy territory.(so to speak) You have a child with this man. You must be educated- and this is nothing to take even remotely lightly. HE is sick, and there are many ways that he can violate your child. My husband, for example would go into sexually fantasies while driving a car with our kids in that car. Our parenting plan states that he will not drive the car, and supervised visitation only. Why? He goes to meetings, sees a therapist, reads the bible, but his euphorically recalling things – “smut” as you call it – happens while driving, and he runs red lights, or goes silent and ignores the kids while in fantasy. You dont know what all triggers your husbnand, and quite frankly sweetie, you are so young – you have to ask yourself why tackle such a big issue like this? Sexual addiction is 8-10 times stronger than methamphetamines or heroine. Did you now that? Can you imagine now, how hard it is to quit? He is also acting out with others. You have to worry about STD’s for you AND the kids. (If you both havent been tested, you need to be) That angel you gave birth to can and needs to be your focus. If you were my daughter, sadly now that I have taken years to obsessively educate myself on SA and personality disorders (yes, your childs daddy is mentally ill – you didnt see it – but now you do ) but if you were my loving daughter I would say RUN, and love your husband like a brother, but not as a man to love, honor, cherish you till death due you part. This is a very tough disease, and men dont cure from it, they only “put cages around it.” You deserve a man that adores you. SA men, find “beauty” in most everything.(sorry to SA men, but women, men, animals, torture – they have seen it all and it is smut to most of us betrayed wives. I often ask myself how i could love a man that finds pleasure in that which i abhor? The SA will NEVER grose out by it even in recovery to the level we do – yet we need them to dont we!?) Yes, its tough to watch them cry and get emotional. It is so hard to leave that which is saying he is sorry, but be careful. The SA is a child of God too, but he is not YOUR CHILD, he is his mothers child. You dont need to fix anyone elses child. You DO however, need to take care of your own child. If you do what I did, by listening to an SA meeting, I think it will show you how much you dont belong to this club. Hate the sin, not the sinner. He is sick, and you will be too if you stay with him. That is how this works. It takes a very special HEROIC woman to stay with a man with SA. The ONLY way to do that is to live your life as if they can go back to this drug tomorrow. They are told to set up your backup plan, and be ready to live it TOMORROW – single. SA wives live one day at a time, waiting for the next shoe to drop for a long long time, and most of the time, forever. We have very little security. We try to focus on our lives, yet kid ourselves that we arent watching every move they make and every word out of their mouth. We dont have another one of these betrayals in us so it feels, so we try our best to live life very differently. We dont want hurt anymore, but we are kidding ourselves alot of the time realizing that we have “settled” for less than we deserve. I can not emphasize enough like the others, sweetie – you are young. You have a child to raise. You still have a chance to meet another man that is not ill. Your child can have a chance at a good role model and he is young enough to not know the difference if you go on and work on your healing and meet someone else down the road. This illness is progressive and for your husbands age, he is FAR down the road in SA. (Read “Dont Call It Love”- it will traumatize you but it is your new reality with your so called husband. He has also crossed the gender barrier. He will end up in porn that is illegal if he hasnt already. He most probably already has. My husband went to rehab for 45 days on more than one occassion. We are years into this and he still lies, and manipulates- tries to convince me that i am wrong, crazy, lying myself etc. The are delusional for 3-5 years sweetie. Read Carnes reports. The facts are there. I dont want my children to learn how to be a man by this sin filled man. As a mother, i need to protect my kids. Look at this openly. You must. Look at Tiger Woods, Coach Sandusky and know this is for reals! You sound like a wonderful woman. Now act like a strong wonderful woman, and stop acting desperate before you are in this too long and feel stuck. There is a great website Junkie Wives Club. I love that one too. You need to read those womans shares until you get what this does to your psyche. It is at times irreparable. You CAN be a single mommy. Drew Barrymore is getting married again and seems happy, Demi Moore married to a Sex Addict, not so good. You can do ok on your own. Your husband is not your son, he was supposed to be your husband, but no time……..I will say that again………..NO TIME soon will this man be marriage material. It is all they can do to get through an hour not thinking of that smut. My husband does not watch tv, he wont go to costco, grocery stores, he adjusts his car mirrors to look at the road and not others cars n front and behind him, he cant go to movie theatres, he has issues in public restrooms, he has filters on his computer.(all in an effort to clean up his mind and not act out) We spend thousands each month for his therapy at $150 per session twice a week. We cant vacation where we used to. I would be forced to live that lonely life if i chose to stay. My children would be greatly affected by that alone. They will ask “why” and you would have to educate your kids as to why. More importantly you stay and you are chosing to have a father figure into trannys for that precious child? It will grose him out too, and they will get older and they will find out the truth. I say, do something heroic – and give your child the best father figure you can find. That is being a great mommy. i pray you dont choose to stay because of this – Sweetie I stayed. I believed him. 20 years later, all I found out was that he hid it impeccably, I needed to get tested, my kids needed tested because they came through my womb in birth process, his disease had progressed, he admitted it cost our family over half a million in income he lost as a result, and most of my friends, neighbors and relatives were on his confession list. He told me the reason we never went anywhere together is cuz he was home masturbating. He told me that he worked for two years in an office and did not have a job. (yes, looked at porn 8 hours a day while I was pregnant with our second child)!! I am smart, went to college, are a very intelligent, non gullible person, yet I was completely DUPED by this diseased / sociopathically living addict. When it comes to IT (porn)vs you and the son, IT will win. I hope you heard that. IT wins all the time. I think they say recovery is 2-5 percent,with the highest return rate / failure rate in the addictions. The true question isnt really SHOULD you stay or go, its WHY would you chose to stay when you are so young. I say get educated so you know why you left. Be his friend. Do not let your kids around him ALONE -EVER. And dont sleep with him without full protection – which is very hard to do. They all mean well, but they are sick. They cant stop on their own. They need to go to meetings every day of the week the first year and make five phone calls a day. YES, this is no laughing matter. I find that people with good self esteem dont stay as their wife, take a long separation to work on themself, get the addict out of the home so you can heal and so you know your children are safe. (Baby choking in crib on some spit up and dads in the bedroom oblivous to his job of babysitter while moms at the store buying diapers cause he is looking at porn and isnt going to stop!) = dangering your child. I will be here for you anytime. You can contact me through junkie wives club under sex addict codies. I send much Love to you and your family. i will pray for all three of you. It will be hard honey, but it is so so worth it. Dont be a me and look back to 25 years of lies. You will hear this over and over again from all of us wives that YOU CANNOT HEAR THEIR WORDS. YOU MUST WATCH THEIR ACTIONS. and he cant quit because he talks to her. I agree with that advice. He has to get into a serious recovery. There are great hospitals in this country. He needs one in my opinion. He can check out Pure Life Ministries. Sounds like he could use a very serious program that takes him out of a town and a co-ed environment. Sweetheart I am older than you, but want to share that the first few years of a babies life is where they get their personality from. If you love that boy of yours, the best thing you can do for him is get away from his daddy. Contact an attorney because most SA’s dont go down without a fight the first year cause they dont always remember how sick they are daily (yes they change personalities like the wind) so you must get your parenting plan together. I can help you with that ………….but get away from your husband. Tell him to call you in two to three years and see how he is doing. Make a decision then to grow old with him. For now, that baby needs to look into your eyes, and your mind needs to be thinking of him – not how sick daddy is, where is daddy going to go for help. You will regret reading all of the SA books and not What to Expect The First Year etc. Yes, you do need to read a few books, but the saying Garbage in, Garbage out – is true here. I feel dirty in my mind as a result of trying to understand my husband. I didnt really need to know about Trannys, but I do! (and I hate it!) Its hard, but its not your problem its his. Remember that. And get yourself in counseling. VERY IMPORTANT! xoxox So So Sad (a name i so so earned by choosing to stay) I hope you do better than I did. You won’t be able to say many of us didnt tell you so out of love, and out of compassion, not control. We did it, and we regret it.

  5. Dear John-

    In response to your post, please know that I am an R.N. who has worked with SA’s and personality disorders for years, and I am very well informed on the subject of sex addiction, as are the wives on S.O.S. who have worked so diligently to become educated on the subject so they can make informed decisions on whether to go or stay. We all have also worked very hard to educate ourselves on the trauma (many developing ptsd) and unhappiness we have shared in the process. I feel your opinion is very skewed and distorted as to the statistics and methods of survival for an SA.

    You should be aware that even with the motivation and desire to overcome this dreaded disease, total recovery is not in the cards. At the very best the SA can learn to manage his addiction, and once an addict always an addict. The percentages are against them – only 5% actually recover, and those statistics involve
    many variables such years involved in addiction, age, motivation for change and defeating the underlying personality disorder which usually accompanies the disorder and is a life long process. Sexual addiction is usually only a symptom of the actual cause itself. Coupled together, an SA has years and years of therapy ahead of him.

    I have been married to an SA for 3 years, and I can tell you it has been hell dealing with the addiction, lying, deception, and dual personality (The persona they give to those around them) accompanying the disorder. He has, only most recently, come out of denial and is making a concerted effort to work on recovery. It has been difficult to maintain objectivity while being personally involved. We are both seeing a counselor specializing in sexual addiction and he paints the picture quite realistically, in regards to being up front, and telling my husband the most he can expect is learning how to manage his addiction. My husband still has problems with lying, which for all addicts is a life long process in itself, and most likely more difficult to overcome than the addiction itself. I am much older, so have decided to stay as long as he maintains the motivation, and works diligently to overcome the desire to trigger and act out. Even then, the possibility of slips and relapses are in the cards for the duration of our lives together. That is just the cold hard facts.

    I cannot for the life of me understand why this young woman, with a new baby, would want to stay in such a dysfuctional relationship. She has her entire life ahead of her and deserves much better. We, and I think I can speak for all of us on S.O.S. are only trying to make her aware of the trauma and unhappiness involved should she decide to stay for the many years it would take her SA to get to the point of managing his addiction. And, of course, that is only if he ever becomes motivated to do so.

    I am certainly not minimizing the fact this man is suffering deeply, but not because he feels any empathy for his wife or has made the decision to get better – it is because of his own personal hell he has put himself in. I am not blaming the SA. There are many extenuating circumstances as to why they are what they are. I do blame them if they do not make the choice as an adult to change . It is time for accountabiity and is a conscious decision in what they do with it. As far as your statement that the SA is suffering more than the wife is simply not true. This woman, in many cases develops ptsd and the pain is unsurmountable. As in the case of this young woman, no way is her SA suffering the pain she is, and will not until he realizes what he has done to her and the insight becomes a reality.

    Each and every one of us on S.O.S tell our own personal experience and sometimes give advice, but be guaranteed we, and I think I speak for all of us here, do so in love and support. I can tell you quite honestly that most of the spouses of an SA on this site are very well informed on the subject sexual addiction. I have been impressed, as an R.N., how informed they are. Many times they know more than I do, or have uncovered new literature on the subject that I have not been aware of. So don’t tell us we don’t know what we are talking about. JoAnn, the Administrator of S.O.S and founder, is also an R.N. with excellent credentials in sex addiction and counseling. She has been an excellent resource person to all of us and really knows her stuff.

    Finally, if this young woman decides to stay with her SA, then so be it. But, she should be informed as to what is ahead of her in the years to come. She has a baby to take into consideration, and no child should be exposed to a marriage with chaos – let alone one with sexual addiction involved. It is a known fact that some children also grow up to be sex addicts. whether it is genetic or environmental can be up for discussion. My belief it is usually environmental related to childhood trauma or one of the parent’s exhibits a SA and/or personality disorder, but nevertheless that does not negate the fact a child has a right to be brought up in a stable homelife void of such issues.

    In closing, I would hope you have more empathy for the wife and more realistic thinking in regards to the journey and results an SA can expect.

    Sharron

  6. I couldn’t agree more with all of you (except John!). I have been dealing with my H’s SA for almost 30 years now. I found out about multiple affairs he had had 8 years into our marriage and 4 years after our first child was born. He did the same ole sad sob story about how horrible he felt and how he would do ANYTHING to keep his marriage together. We went to YEARS of therapy and I thought he finally got it and had turned the corner and was a CHANGED MAN. We decided to have another child, I thought my life was finally in a good place and that he adored me and the kids. WHAT A BIG FAT LIE!!!!! My AH Ha moment came last year when I realized he was video tapping himself masterbating and I assume sending it to God knows where. When I asked him about it, he denied it, but this time I had proof! He once again was like a deer in head lights and cried and said how sorry he was. I took this opportunity to ask him about many other things over the years that I had suspicions about and blindly disregarded or totally denied it to myself. He admitted that he has basically been cheating on me and lying to me our entire life together!!! From the time we started dating until now. It has been one addiction after another. Alcohol, drugs, women, pornography, sexting, internet/phone sex, you name it. He is very sick. I have compassion for him, but I am not allowing him to bring me down with him. His addiction is escalating and my biggest fear is he will get himself into illegal problems. He moved out months ago and I am in the horrible painful stage in my life where I am in the process of ending a 25+ year marriage. I can’t do it anymore. I have done everything to try and support this guy, love him through it, “stand by your man”, whatever, but he clearly doesn’t get the pain and anguish he has caused me all these years.

    So please, listen to those of us who have been through this for years. You could be in the 5% who do make it, but is that % really worth the risk? Ask yourself. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I’ve had a lot of sorrow in my life, but this is the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. I really do wish I had left years ago.

    John, I would like to say to you, I was hopeful at one point in my life that he’s addiction was different from everyone elses. That our marriage would be the one to survive this horrible disease. I have done extensive research on SA, it has become an obsession to try and understand WHY! So don’t say we don’t understand SA. I have giving over half of my life to a man who has not taken one moment of our marriage to a level of truth, trust, honesty, loyality, and respect. These are crucial elements to a loving relationship. And let’s not forget he never took into account MY health, he never used protection when he was with others.

    Yes, her boyfriend may be suffering, but as far as I can tell SA’s only “suffer” when they get caught.

    1. “SA’s only suffer when they get caught”!!isnt that the truth!!
      Last summer I played detective and found much to my surprise, i was being lied to and betrayed. When confronted, he lied..and then when i showed him the proof..he wanted to kill himself as he could not live with himself all of a sudden!!! He created a lot of drama.. until i called the police and let them know that he was suicidal and he needed to be picked up. That changed the whole dynamic of the situation after that. A few weeks later, i moved out and got my own place. I know now that he is not worthy of my love and my affection and he is a very sick man who never grew up!
      I no longer consider him to be my husband..He does not deserve to have me as his wife and knowing that he has not taken any real steps to get help, only confirms that I did the right thing. He is incapable of loving me and supporting me and meeting my needs in any way. I feel sad that he has made the choice to sell his soul so to speak..but I feel so good now being away from him. Sure i missed him at first. But I missed the man I thought he was..not the person he really is. I am so happy now and I love my life!! I am enjoying being by myself! My kids are all adults now and I am at a stage in my life where I can do what I want, when I want and Its wonderful!! Just remember that whatever they tell you to keep you..its not for your benefit, its for theirs. Men like that do not respect women and they are very sick! You deserve to have a good life and to be treated with respect!!

    2. I have just discovered this site and never in a million years did I ever think I would ever have to search for it. I am shaking, nauseous and sick to my stomach writing this. Three weeks ago “my husband” by chance got caught out in another lie as to where he was after leaving a family birthday party. We have been married 34 and a half years and I am pretty sure he has been a sex addict for all of our married life. From finding boxes of pornographic magazines, being told at the video store when I was renting movies for the kids that I had overdue movies out and having no idea what they were talking about then being told they were XXX rated and rented by my farce of a husband. Finding him masturbating many, many times. Always a blank computer screen when I walked into the room. Recently finding credit and debit cards I had no knowledge of. Always keeping his laptop locked…..I could go on and on but it would take me weeks. Almost 5 years ago when he was working away….Oh my gosh….that job gave him license to get away with pretty much anything his sick personality wanted to do. He wanted me to spend the summer where he was working as I work in education and was off from June to Sept. Off I went and I was looking forward to exploring another state and enjoying the summer. My first red flag was when arriving at his apartment and finding Perrier water in the fridge. Maybe not that unusual for some but my spouse would never even buy bottled water from Walmart. He would go on many late night bike rides always having the excuse that it was cooler at night. To this day I have no idea what made me search his closet but I found a track phone and when he was confronted about it he said nothing. I found escort sites on his computer and told him that that was it – we were finished. He cried, begged, pleaded for me to stay with him and note: not once in all the confrontations I have had with him has he ever said he was sorry or I’ll get help. He has not once owned up to anything…he says NOTHING! Many years ago our daughter had found a file on the computer where he had been talking to women. To this day I don’t know anything about what was in the conversations. My brain wants to explode because there is no possible way I could write down every thing I have confronted him about. His personality leads me to believe that he has some major problems that stem back years. I truly believe that he never loved me. He has never been affectionate, never complimented me, and this, this one just has me wanting to ask Dr. Phil. and I will wonder until the day I die but why, in all the 34+ years we have been married…does he NEVER address me by my name….he just doesn’t call me anything! This latest confrontation 3 weeks ago has left me no other alternative but to divorce him. He tells me to go ahead and file. Both our grown children agree that I have to divorce him. I am the most normal, easy going nice person you would ever want to meet. I don’t hurt people, I don’t lie. I would never do anything that I wouldn’t want done to me. All these years…whatever secret life he has had and I’m sure what I know is only the tip of the iceberg I believe he has gone about it without thinking about me or his family. He has done it for his own selfish reasons and then maybe after paying for a hooker he probably came home to a nice clean home and a nice dinner….watched tv and then laid his head down in our bed and went off to sleep without thinking anything about what he had done and what repercussions it would have should his dirty little secret be found out. I decided 3 weeks ago to let the family – his parents and siblings too know about the status of our marriage. They are a very close family and more than a couple of them have told me that I have given him enough chances and that once I am divorced I will be sorry I didn’t do it sooner. Not the way I envisioned my life – I will be 59 on Friday and if I have 20 more years on this earth (God-willing) I want it to be happy, I want to be respected for the person I am. All I ever wanted was to take care of the house and raise the children whilst he was off to work. I will say one thing…..he has been a wonderful provider, nice home, nice cars and never any money worries. Unfortunately he was able to cover his sex addiction for most of our marriage and looking back I think how dumb was I? A lot of the time he had many excuses and some of them you kind of think well okay……and then you fall back into the routine of life….and things blowover (no pun intended there). Right now he is out of work due to the economy. If he had a permanent job I wouldn’t think twice about filing for divorce asap as that day can’t come soon enough for me. However….with no steady income from him I have no idea what to do. I know that it’s tough living in the same house as him….he doesn’t look at me, completely ignores me and yet just ate the dinner I cooked. I truly think he thinks I am the one who’s at fault. He is totally in denial about what he has done. I am over thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me and that’s why he choose to find pleasure elsewhere. The problem is his and in order for anything to change he needs to acknowledge that there is a problem. Truthfully I can’t ever see him doing so. He is so lacking in any kind of emotion I think there maybe deeper problems that exist. I (we) did not deserve for him to do this to me (us)or his family. This is my worst nightmare come true….my normal life…for years unbeknowst to me was tainted with who knows how many visits to hookers and the like and the risk of disease. If let myself go there I will end up going insane. The thought of him relating to other women when he is so emotionally detached from me makes me want to vomit. The person who I thought he was never existed. My plan for now is to hope he finds a permanent job and then I will file for divorce. I can’t even look at him without anger and resentment for what he has done. Meanwhile he goes upstairs to watch tv, waits for dinner to be made and his laundry to be done and I believe he would be content to carry on like this indefinately. After all…..if he doesn’t acknowledge anything…..it NEVER happened. I am so glad I found this site but I must admit when reading some of the other postings I couldn’t believe that the same things were going on in other peoples lives. I hope each and everyone of us can find peace and happiness. Yes, we all deserve to lead a happy life and be treated with respect. That’s all I am wanting in my life…..I don’t ever want to be suspicious or have cause to be ever again. Thanks for reading. Linda.

  7. Thank you all for your concern, and advice. I am currently still living with my husband and our son. We haven’t sought any counseling besides speaking with each other. I know most of you are going to think I am stupid . However our situation is our own and we are unique people. my husband IS a husband to me and a father to our son. Since our confrontation we’ve held discussions about the root of the issue we know that we’ve unearthed the true reason for his problems. neither one of us is making light of the issue, if anything is ever found by me again I will leave him. He knows this and he can threaten suicide all he wants, I will not stand for being hurt again! I am not trusting him at his word I am looking at his actions. As a child my husband found a story his father had written about his mother and four large men. Obviously it traumatized him deeply. right before he ‘acted out’ he found a copy of this story in our family car which he bought from his father. We both know that this changes the dynamic of our relationship in many respects; however he is still the person I married and I am still the person who married him. I am not an idiot I don’t have low self esteem and I know how young I am. I stay because I can choose to heal with my husband and if he ever shows any tiny inkling of not being purged of his old habits I will leave. I believe in energy and our bodies ability to change and heal. the addiction part of my husband will never be far from his personality however I think he is purged of that addiction. He hates himself for the hurt he has caused me. I hate what he did to me but I don’t hate him. I under stand what he did was not directed at me but was his own personal problem, a very serious problem. My husband did not need a a or any other program to quit his alcohol addiction nor did he need rehabilitation for his other drug addictions. He is taking his new energy and higher testosterone levels and focusing and becoming addicted to exercise and good health. He is showing me with his action I am aware this is not normal behavior for a recovering Addict. We’ve talked about this thicker wool he is capable of pulling over my eyes I know I have to trust him and he knows he must be true. Trusting him doesn’t mean being blind, stupid, or gullible. I am protecting myself and my son from the possibility of his relapse if it does occur I will update you all. After the discussion about the discovery of this story that so changed his life since he found it (both times), it began to rain and pour like it’s only can in Hawaii. we went outside together in the rain at night cold and naked hugging; literally, figuratively emotionally, mentally, and spiritually cleansing our souls and our relationship of the horrible illness experience and lifestyle. As part of my trauma from this occurrence or what some might call PTSD,I Am still hyper sensitive and aware of everything he’s doing. this is assuring me to the extent that it can that my husband is in this case one of the 1%. I apologize if this is hard to read I dictated it so the grammar may be difficult to grasp. Thank you all so much for your comments and love I promise to keep you up dated and to continue to educate myself about my situation and others who have been in the same or similar situations.

    1. The hurt and the heard,
      I do not think you are stupid and know your situation is different. They all are to some extent. Each of us has to do what we feel is the right thing to do at the time. That is what I did for 30 years.I just wanted my family to stay together. Whatever it took, I was going to “stand by my man”. Most of the time I do wish I would have listened to my intuition and gotten out while I was still young, but I am also realizing that everything happens when it is suppose to. I guess this past 30 years was “part of my journey” and I will one day completely understand why I stayed so long. I do think my H feels terribly bad for the pain he has caused me and the family. I don’t think he wants to be this way. I think he would stop if he could. He also stopped alcohol and drugs without much more than some counseling and has been sober for years. He says this is the hardest addiction he has ever tried to overcome. He was able to remain sexually sober for only very short periods of time and the stress of life took over. He has been in counseling for this problem for almost a year and still struggles daily. I don’t hate him, I do hate the behaviors he chooses to do. I know he is trying. I will support him as best I can from a distance. So far we have been able to remained friends.

      No one can tell you what to do, we can only offer suggestions to help you navigate through this horrible disease. Just keep your eyes and ears open and remember to put yourself and your child first and foremost. Although my house was never hostile, my H and I never really fought, it was not a loving and joyful atmosphere, because I was always looking over my shoulder wondering what he was up to and waiting for the next big “earthquake” to hit. I’m not really sure I did my children any favors by staying with him and having them grow up in a house where there was tension and an air of secercy.

      Good luck and keep us posted.

    2. I so wish that standing outside together in the rain at night cold and naked hugging could have cleansed his soul of the horrible illness and lifestyle that my ex-sa husband has. But it didn’t…it doesn’t… and it won’t for yours either. I am truly sorry for you.

  8. Hurt,

    Each of us has a reason for staying with our addicts (or leaving). You are the only one who can decide that for your marriage, but I will give you this advice. Men see action as change. If your addict refuses to get help which includes regular counseling, accountability, and transparency… he won’t change his current behaviors – ever. And when he breaks one of your boundaries and you dont’ act and provide consequences… he’ll twist that to his own needs. Your husband has gone beyond simple porn and chat lines… he’s crossed the line into physical stuff, and you can’t come back over that line easily. You are in for a lot more heartbreak if you choose to see it through. One suggestion from an old pro here… don’t worry so much about him and his feelings. Protect yourself and your child. Put yourself and your kid ahead of your addict on the “emotional needs” list. I read your last post and it’s starting to sound a little unicorny…It’s easy for us to give the “squeeky wheel” the most attention – but your addict needs to come last in your life right now until he can prove he’s got his stuff together. It’s hard for a rescuer like us to take that step… but it is a necessary one. It’s twisted I know but so true. Think about it anyway.

    1. Ann,
      Interesting your boundary of “your husband has gone beyond the simple porn and chat lines…he’s crossed the line into physical stuff”…
      I’m sorry, but porn and sex chat are NOT OK…ever

  9. You need to be heard? I hear you.

    RUN. NEVER LOOK BACK. THIS MAN-BOY-CHILD has more issues than you can count.

    You say he’s a real husband to you. Really? Is he a real husband to you when he is jacking off to the porn? Does he have your best interest at heart while he’s fantasizing about other women? Does he have your best interest at heart while he’s planning the next encounter? Does he have your best interest at heart when he is advertising for three-ways and tranny’s?

    STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.

    RUN.

    In some years time, you will be glad you did.

    My best, Betty

  10. Hello everyone. A year ago this past week is when I learned who I married and I was horrified. I spent a few months investigating and decided to divorce. I learned that sex addicts simply do not care about anyone and their addiction. They may cry, beg for forgiveness and try but actions speak louder than words and after sending him to The Meadows for rehab, and many promises- it took all of one week before he was soliciting transgender prostitutes. It has been a year and I have tried to find support groups for women who have left their sex addict husband/boyfriend/partner and am wondering if this is the best site for me to be on. I cannot find a live support group where I live and continue to struggle thinking about my future and if I will ever fully heal and be able to trust a man again. My monster ex husband still lives in the town I live in and I am afraid of running into him as I hate him so much. How have some of you gotten through the anger? During my trauma, I was too devastated to be angry and am now feeling it…thanks so much.

    1. Hi Shattered,

      I hope that you can find some comfort in reading the stories and comments here on this site.

      But, I hope you realize that this is not an open forum site, it is stories that women have sent me and that readers comment on, and articles that I write. There is not enough bandwidth on this site to have a forum type situation where people comment back and forth to each other. I only mention this because your comment speaks to your own issues and asks for comments on that rather than commenting on the original story.

      These guidelines have evolved over the last five plus years as the number of visitors has grown, and are necessary if the site is to continue.

      I have outlined the reasons for this position in my article about guidelines here:

      http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/guidelines-website/

      or you can read the full version of the guidelines for the website here:

      http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/website-guidelines/

      Again, I think you will at least gain some insight by reading through the many stories and comments on this site that will resonate with your situation.

  11. Linda,

    For the love of God, why are you feeding and washing the clothes of this monster? Who cares if he has a job or not? Who effin’ cares? Sorry to be so strong, but your husband makes ME want to vomit! Stop feeling sorry for him. Sue his disordered ass off. Let HIM go bankrupt supporting you with the alimony you deserve for being a faithful wife all of these years. Then get a job and start a fresh. You can! Take those incredible cooking skills and begin a catering business. Be a personal chef for someone who will pay you to cook. He’s a good-for-nothing-slug who’s been weighing you down all of these years. You owe him NOTHING. But also know, it is NOT you! Its all about HIM and yes, he’s very sick and yes, he’s very, very unlikely to ever change, however you can. You will never regret it! Here’s wishing you much strength and love, Holly

  12. Most of us wish we found out when we were 24!!!! Oh my goodness what we wouldn’t give to be able to hit the reset button on life at the tender age of 24. If you find a sex addiction counselor, ask about the curve they use to identify how deep the addict is into his addiction. They ask the addict questions and based on the answers they can tell if he has reached the point where his life is on the downward spiral. That is the side of the curve that leads to death. When they are that far into the addiction, their behavior becomes increasingly risky and they interact with risky people. They interact with the type of People who are likely to have diseases, opiates are introduced into the addiction or People who are likely to beat the sh*t out of them in a seedy part of town or in the town forest. Im no professional, but your guy sounds like he is already on that side of his addiction.

    I bet you love him, but wow, what an opportunity you have!!!!

  13. Hey Babe, sorry to hear you got in so deep with this farce of a man. Your story is not so uncommon, I’m really sad to say! I’m also
    In hawaii and just made some shocking discoveries about this guy that I wanted to believe was being honest and trustworthy–we work in the same industry–but his actions and words just didn’t match up!
    He moved in with me in January 2011 and I opened my home and heart to him, thinking he was basically a normal person. By the way, all sociopaths appear normal in public, but when you live with them, the veneer fails quickly. Daily life got a little strange very quickly and my son, who is extremely sensitive to people’s energy, told me mom, he’s a kook and he’s gay!! I was a bit shocked to hear this so confidently stated by my 16 year old son, but young people are amazingly akamai about these things! My children and I have always been close, and I trust them and would never want to hurt them. My son told me not to let this person live with us but I went ahead and did anyway, and as always, if I do not heed my children’s wise intuitive counsel, I always regret it!
    Things got progressively more strange and the affectionate man that I thought was my new partner didn’t seem so into me very quickly as the weeks rolled along. By the third week of february, he started getting downright nasty. I had no clue why but he seemed to need very private time to himself behind closed doors and even I was unwelcome.
    His negative, angry behavior increased faster than any reasonable cause would have indicated, unless maybe he had acquired a worm in his brain that was swiftly turning to mush all his grey matter. I was stunned. But having beenmarried twice and being used to dealing with angry men, I went into my no engagement mode where I simply disengage and do not escalate their irritation. However, I also go into scientific observation or experimentation mode and start cataloging behavior based on observable stimulus-response.
    The stimulus for his irritation was apparently triggered by me coming to hang out with him while he was on his computer and curiously, he also seemed glued to his cell phone, though not for phone calls–or at least any that I could hear–yet his phone rang about every half hour. He apparently turned the ringer off and would only talk when I left the room or the house.
    He continued acting really mean and cruel which seemed odd considering that he was staying in my house, ostensibly as my friend and partner, but affectionless. He had no gratitude for the nice dinners I made for him, the taking care of his laundry, & even letting him sometimes borrow my car. It was really weird! Why wasn’t he at least saying thank you and can I help around the house and how much money should I give you for groceries and utilities?
    This went on from aboutt the 20th of feb til a month later when his behavior was just becoming untenable. I had had enough and he did not seem to be very honest with me. I went into his computer one day, guessing at his password because he’s not very smart about those things and I just figured it out.
    I llooked at only a few files. Photo files and what I saw that I was not aware of was so shocking insofar as being akin to betrayal, that I asked him to leave when i called him at work a short time later. I confronted him. He denied anything was amiss but he hadn’t told me the truth and so trust was destroyed. I had no capacity to tolerate such abuse by him when he was essentially cheating on me in my opinion.
    I kicked him out. He had no lease and he was sent away the same day. If it was inconvenient, too bad, because it was more inconvenient for me to have an outrageously bitchy man yelling at me in my home for no other reason than he doesn’t want me to see him cybersexing and collecting nude photos of “this girl he met I the big island when he was doing a job there”.
    You know??? Not only no, but HELL NO!!!
    Long story short: he came back a few months later to “try again”but this time the promises were bolder and the skanking was intensified also. He just toolkit farther underground. Several months of very bad behavior and lies and cheating and stealing and threats of bodily harm, and I went spying again and unravelled his rats nest of cyber sex friends maybe coming in as tourists and him meeting them in their waikiki hotel rooms, and gay and tranny web camming and cs up the wazoo with every sleazy female in IM on planet earth!! And I am not kidding!!
    This time I leaked the info out to a few friends first because I was in such shock. And I was sad. I wanted to have a thing with him. I liked him. But apparently he is more into the distancing and non intimacy of the SA, so the real person–me–could never he good enough. Plus, was I up against hundreds and hundreds of cyber sex cam girls and dating site hookup chatters and tranny prostitutes that were just down the road and his exgirlfriends that he would sex up when I was at work? Yes I was and I couldn’t win against that tidal wave of fantasy images, even though when and if he actually met them for whatever they also could never measure up to the fantasy imagery.
    It got so crazy. I kind of started to get to acceptance after going through a bit of a grieving process and finally, now, complete decathection where I don’t want to deal with him anymore. He’s back at his old place again and he is so upset (angry at being sussed), that about all he can do is either taunt me or snarl at me.
    My dear, dear exbf, who I was totally in love with but who had to take a rain check due to work obligations, told me to go 100% no contact.
    Since I know exbf really cares about me, yes maybe even loves me, I knew that he was right. So the decathection is complete and omg, am I so much happier!! And so is my beautiful, kind hearted and gentle son.
    Sex addicts think they are doing their thing in secret, but they are far more visible doing damage than they realize because they live in their own deceptive fog. Sad. What a waste of otherwise worthy manpower, time, brainpower, and really, life.
    Here’s my friends advice when she heard about this guy: “Lose the zero!!”
    Do it!!! Lose the zero!!!

  14. Like you I thought the whole world was wrong and I was the only one who was right. I thought that for 20 years, through acute depression and through 2 suicide attempts. I told myself love would conquer all but it never did. One day, at full-blown addiction, my husband told me to literally get out of his car and out of his life…in that moment I suddenly realized that there was nothing that I could do to help him and I walked away. My story does not end here and this part you WILL like…eventually he loses everything – me, his home, his business and his money and comes knocking at my door to ask me to take him back. In the smallest of voices I said no and in that moment he turned a corner. Today he is 2 years sober, is a sponsor at his 12 step program, has regained his business and has moved back home but only after his 1st year sobriety anniversary. He is a different man from the one I knew for all those years and is now a man worth loving. He would in sobriety tell me that his turning point was the realization that losing me, the one person who had cushioned all his falls, was his rock bottom. It was the hardest consequence he had to face because I was always that one sure thing in his life. Little did I know the power I had all those years to change my own destiny. This is the good news. The bad news is the toll that the 20 years has taken on me has left me in poor health. On reflection I cannot imagine why I kept saying “I love him” when he was in an addictive state. What is there to love about someone who is crapping all over you? The worst news is that I wasted 20 years of my life trying to heal/save someone who clearly did not want to be. I lost many opportunities to have true happiness yet I chose this horrific journey of heartbreak and disappointment. It is ok to choose to stay but it is not ok to not listen and understand what you are choosing. Make and informed decision please – not one based on your intuition or perception. Much research has been done and to ignore would be perilous for you.

  15. Hi,I know this is an old convo, but was reading through it and the post from “so so sad” I was wondering if you could give me some advice on a parenting plan. I have two boys, 15 months and 6 weeks. My EX boyfriend (both the boy’s dad) is also into trannys and shemale porn. I DO NOT trust him to have the kids alone and was wondering what I would need in court to make him have supervised visits? And advice??

  16. On Nov 24th, 2013 I found transexual porn in my husbands bag. Found out that he wasn’t really studying for school at night but locking himself in the computer room every night to jack off, getting up late at night taking his phone in the bathroom or gettinup early, leaving the house several times for long periods of time after getting home from work. Then I find his chats to dating websites and monthly subscriptions to tranny porn. He mismanaged out money took large amounts out had a secret account. Found out he had a whole file on his work email with emails and links of tranny profiles to himself. Finding out this has gone on the whole time we had been together over 7 yrs and he had the nerve to marry me. Dating the sex was great and slowly got less and less. He refused me all the time. I have since then found more emails which he still denies. He will continue to deny his addiction and illness of something deeper that came from his life in foster care. For this I will leave him because I can’t help someone who won’t help there self. Sorry this happens to any person. First husband addicted to drugs and the second husband addicted to transexuals.

  17. I, too, am also married to a tranny lover. Same kind of stories to the ones mentioned above. I have PTSD and I think I have gone through all of the stages of grief because I feel NOTHING for this man that I used to love with all of my heart. I am seeing a lawyer and am getting the heck out. We also have a13 year old son together which has made this so hard but I refuse to let him influence my son’s behavior by showing him how to objectify women and manipulate. I won’t do it anymore!!!!

  18. Same story over here. 3 kids…babies… He has been hiring transsexual prostitutes for over 2 years, says he will change, I moved out, he has gotten no help, he is starting to suck me back in. I have already left. I don’t want to go back to him. Any advice?

    1. Hi Tiffany. This site does not have enough bandwidth to support back and forth forum type of conversations. Please consider using the Sisterhood of Support if you need advice, voices of experience, coaching and a very private place to share your story and ask questions. Hugs to you. ~ JoAn

  19. I have been with my fiance 9 yrs we got engaged two years ago and throughout all this time he has been secretly sex chatting with Older Men he himself is 43 he looks for really old Men which leads me to believe his dad sexually abused him when younger he told me something happened to him when little but never wanted to talk about it which i feel is an excuse for when i caught him on several different occasions i even caught him at a hotel ready to meet a man for sex that he met thru cl i wa disgusted nauseated he looks for tranny sex also the sex is barely there w me so i know there’s a real problem i am not gonna marry him but i dont know how to let go we have no kids im 36 any advice on how to get out of this mess please help !!!! FML this has really mess me up emotionally and mentally i lost all trust feeling lost

  20. Hi ladies, can’t believe there are so many of us. I’ve been with a tranny lover for 8 years and he has ruined my life. I moved from my country to the USA to be with him and sold all I owned, left a great job and planned to marry the “man of my dreams”. I was here a month when I found the emails to tranny hookers. He said he never slept with them. Told me he was abused as a kid by an uncle. OMG he ended up having so many problems, sexuality, anger, alcohol, inability to be honest… He would go away for business and send me drink texts clearly meant for some hooker by mistake, then lie. Lie about how long he was away for, come home wish lipstick on the collar, go out for “one drink with the mate” then stay out all night and not answer his phone. To top it off he would verbally abuse me, call me crazy, useless, he refused to marry me so I was stuck here with no green card, no way to work, no money, no friends, no support system…. It’s been hell. I’ve slowly dug my way out… And I’m leaving him soon. He has told everyone I’m crazy and lied about what he has done, saying I’m making it all up. Never ever stay with a sex addict. Mine also used to cry and say he loved me, he will change, he hates that side of himself, etc etc. I haven’t heard of one yet that did

      1. Similar situation. 9 year relationship . Now what’s funny is I alway thought it was me. I had a high sex drive and he didn’t want to have sex as much. Which I believe was a performance issue. He always complain about not being able to please me. Which be honest it was true but as time got better sex got better. But I believe he had issues with that he wold always be self-conscious of his performance.
        Now three years ago things got worst. I talking about months with out sex. Nothing. We would have sex and not finish. Then out the blue he is extremely sexual …then nothing. I would turn over with tears in my eyes and block it from my mind. Then I would look at his phone to notice he watch porn about 2to 3 times aweek. He admit then that he just had erectile issues. Which I new because he had that problem from the beginning. I would look at his phone and see the porn and get frustrated. I always new he watch porn but i only got upset when he wasn’t having sex but go for porn. I still give him the benefit of the dealt. I said it was the performance problem.

        Then last year happen. He was on 2 type of medications which made him a monster. It took me 9 months to realize the medication was making him ,mean,disrespectful,confuse, and so on…he started to flirt with women. Lie about stupid things. Now let me say this I seen women chase after him and he didn’t blank a eye to them. He is very popular from childhood and I actual seen women childhood friends message him with sexual advance and he just block them out. Now I actually see him stare women down. Flirting with women on facebook. A year ago he actually was working texting a coworker …joking around saying let’s have drinks. The women reply saying what you doing working overtime tonite ..the conversation after that was them both venting about coworkers. Now that same night he was texting her before he stop at my job because I was working overtime too. I was piss because although he is a person who joke around with women real old or young . I could help from think this was him trying to get with her. Soon after that the lies came. One time I seen on facebook that he was with his niece and her friend at a bar after dropping me off at work. He lied at first then when I show him proof he got mad. Later on he said he lied because he didn’t want me assume anything and tried to make me believe he was just with all women when actually I seen more pics where all there boyfriend was with them. So then I realized he wanted to make me jealous…he actually was enjoying this. Several times he would lie to get a jealousy reaction out of me. For example he would tell me he was visiting a friend that had female in there home but later I would find out her was at his mom’s house the whole time..

        Then next the transsexual porn pop up this year. I look on his phone it’s a transsexual and a women always. I only seen it three times when lookING and I ask him twice and he would lie. This September I made him quite has medication and omg it was a big difference. We had more sex ,he was lovely like his old self but still not enough sex. I started to see the transexual porn again. This time I freak out. I think because other time i was blocking that out or stayed in denial. This time my mine was clear and I didn’t believe the excuses anymore. I called him out on it and he lied for 10 minutes then I said to him why do you look at these things . He said I don’t know ..it’s not a lot it just come up at times. I ask him what he get out of it. He says he don’t know while yelling at me.

        This whole year I been through it with him. Up and down. He also treated me very mean b4 he stop that medicine. I have to admit I was on hormone medication that really had me a mess too for a year. When he stop the medicine a few months ago things was good. BUT this type of porn freaks me out.

        We decided that we need to separate. Well I did. He was being a manipulator about it. Even when I broke down to him about it..he went from compassionate To straight asshole once he realize he couldn’t manipulate me. The difference from now then when he was on the medication is the attitude drop fast. He for some reason feel the issues quickly.

        I haven’t even got into the pain meds he now taking. I am just drain now. I need him out my house which he agree too. I dont no for sure if the trans. porn is part of this weird thing he going through..I just don’t no. The thing is this just came about this year..because I am always nosey on his phone and computer. Now I am thinking what’s next…