Note from JoAnn: I have searched through my archives for stories that I have not posted. Some of these, such as this one, were sent last year or the year before. With Sex Addiction, unfortunately, the stories are timeless and we can all gain from the experiences of each other no matter when the story was written.
I do hope that L. will check back with us and let us know the outcome of her journey.
I am so pleased to have found your site! There now is some place I can turn to. Up to now, there hasn’t been much of anyone or anyplace I could go to feel validated. It has been a very lonely journey. Thank you for having the courage to create a site for women like me.
L.
My story as brief as I can make it. Please feel free to use it on your site if you would like:
8 years ago my husband suddenly left me for another woman only a few days after my doctors told me that my breast cancer returned. I had to undergo a lot of surgery and treatment alone. We were divorced shortly after the final surgery.
Shortly after my divorce, I met a man, “Eric” who seemed so perfect in nearly every way. He made me laugh and I was so happy with him. He took away all the pain of the divorce and betrayal. It was the “nearly every way” that I chose to ignore. Something was just not right.
He was always very talkative and hyper on fun and superficial levels. He was uncomfortable with emotional issues. And he found it difficult to tell me that he thought I was attractive. I thought that odd, because every man I’d ever known often told me they thought I was pretty… but this man could not. I dress sexy, I am slim, fit, had beautiful reconstructive surgery from the cancer, so I knew I looked good… other men found me attractive still… but this man could not say it. But he was giving, attentive and wanted to spend time with me. He was not very sexual, but I thought that was probably just the way he is. Sex was mechanical with him and he had trouble finishing.
Shortly into the relationship, I was using his computer one day and started to type something into his google search form and it automatically filled “BBW hot fat women”! I asked him what this was about and he laughed and said it must have been his roommate. And he told me he had used his computer the night before and that his roommate must like large women because his girlfriend was a really big girl. And I believed him. Why wouldn’t I? Eric had always been physically fit and extraordinarily handsome. He turned heads wherever we went, yet seemed oblivious to female attention. He had been divorced twice and his ex-wives were small women.
Two years later, Eric moved in with me. Our sex life dwindled to nearly nothing. He blamed it on his antidepressants. And he blamed it on his having a lot of jock itch and skin problems making him too uncomfortable.
Eric said he was an insomniac so he would often be up into the wee hours while I was asleep. I never once mistrusted him or suspected him of doing anything wrong.
One day he told me that he had joined Classmates because he had hooked up with some old band mates (he was a musician). I thought this was a great idea and one day I thought I would check out his Classmates profile and the band. I saw where a woman posted a lot of things on his profile. And some public things about her saying “I’m Sorry” and “Forgive me”… I didn’t know who she was. So I hacked into his Classmates account and there had been ongoing email with this woman for about 3 weeks. She was fishing for compliments and he told her “I think you’re pretty. I always thought so.” This was his ex-wife whom I never even knew her name until then. Their marriage was annulled after 2 weeks when she left him for another man. I went ballistic on Eric. I made him tell her that he was in love with me and that he didn’t want to talk to her anymore. It hurt that he could do something like this in secret with another woman. I was devastated.
But my gut told me there was more. So I started digging. I googled his username and found his username on several porn sites. On these porn sites, he’d been downloading videos and photos of something called SSBBW. (Supersized Big Beautiful Women) I confronted him and he made up an elaborate lie that his credit card had been hacked and his user name had been stolen and it wasn’t him who was looking at that porn.
So one day I set his internet history to record and that night he had looked at over 300 pages of porn of morbidly obese women. He got very angry when confronted and told me that he KNEW I set his history so he only went to those sites to teach me a lesson for snooping! Not buying this story, I started digging through his CD and DVD collection and found a disk with over 1,000 images of morbidly obese women porn. I was sickened with what I saw. It was frightening… and sad that he would objectify and defile these poor women who probably had horrific self-esteem issues. There women were not just overweight.. they were 400lbs and more!!! He couldn’t deny anymore….
All along I thought it odd that we’d been together for years, but he wasn’t making any commitment or talking marriage. Of course not! His primary relationship was not me! It was with porn! I found many discs in his collection of this same kind of porn and with dates on them going back over 14 years. So this is nothing new for him.
That was months ago that I discovered it all. Yet he has not relapsed, nor looked at porn since to my knowledge. (I installed a keylogger)… but he is not interested in me. And I am in a sexless relationship. I feel like I live with a roommate. Now I know why he doesn’t tell me I’m pretty…. I don’t weigh 400lbs. Can anyone begin to understand how much this hurts me? I was seeing a therapist, but he had little experience with this issue and there is no sex addiction support groups or therapists in my area. Eric is refusing treatment, says he is “not interested” in porn anymore. Well, he sure is not interested in ME!
I know I am attractive. I am a singer/musician in a soul & blues band. I have countless men hitting on me and showing interest…. except the one I want to notice me doesn’t.
As much as I really love this man, I feel it is not in my best interests to stay with him anymore. But I cannot afford my home without his help and my ducks are not in a row. So I continue this crazy life of pretending. I hate it. If it weren’t for my music, I would go insane. By the time I get my home to the point that I may be able to sell it, he may be in treatment and working on recovery or not… I can’t control that.. that is up to him. If he isn’t, I will move on my own. I need to get out of this horrible nightmare. Everywhere I go, I trigger when I see a very large woman. This is so difficult. I am so very lonely.
Hi L- Although you posted last year, I would like to comment with the hopes you may see it and update us on your situation.
Boy can I relate to your situation! You are the first woman I have seen on this site that is dealing with the same addiction as my h.
I met him 3 yrs. ago and didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. He presented as an “altogether” man who is good looking, charming, “Mr. nice guy’ and treated me like a queen-in the beginning, that is! Sex and intimacy were normal-until he was confident that he had me, and then both went away. He would even turn his back to me at night and always have an excuse as to why he didn’t want sex. “I’m just really tired” I didn’t think too much of it, because of his age. I won’t go into the entire story, because it is a long one, but his primary addiction was internet porn and mb with his favorite porn queen called Queen Raqui-she weighed #650#. There were others, of course, but she seemed to be the one he was most attracted to. Her thing was d/s including stomping and crushing.
After dating a few months, he finally came clean and agreed to seek help. I later found out that his second wife caught him at it and kept it to herself forever a year. She began having an affair, and it all came out in marriage counseling.
Long story short, everything was looking good. He appeared to be in recovery. We became engaged, and I had him take a lie detector test with very specific questions about his addiction. He beat the test and later admitted he had lied on it.
We got married in April of 2010. But to my dismay, his behavior continued. I found out he was surfing dating sites and still active in porn while we were engaged. He objectified the organist at our wedding. The sex and intimacy were almost nil, and he had anger management problems-often projecting and directing it at me. Also,a lot of passive-aggressive behavior.
I just left him in April of this year for the final time. The final blow was my husband admitting to an incident of fantasizing and mb (only 1 time, of course) to his porn queen last Xmas. I also caught him objectifying his own dtr. and sister. We had two previous separations. He continued to lie and deceive, and I would frequently witness him engaging in objectification. two years ago, He began seeing a Therapist, went to an Intensive in L.A. and appeared to be working on recovery. His secondary addiction was sexualizing/objectifying young women. They were usually large women with huge boobs. I listened to continual promises that he would never hurt me again, the lieing would stop, and yes, he was going to beat his addiction.
I wasted 3 yrs. of my life on this man with my head totally up my ass. We all want to believe we are hearing the truth, but quite honestly an addict is like a leopard-doesn’t change his spots. I hope, for your sake, you were able to get out of your relationship. These addictions usually stem from childhood trauma, and it is so engrained in them that it is nearly impossible to change.
If you read this, please update us. Your story is so similar to most of us on MTASA and S.O.s site.
Our hearts go out to you.
Sharron
Hi,
I can’t believe I clicked on this page today and this was the first posting. I thought I was the only one. My husband is a sex addict. His favorite thing is “BBWs” The bigger the better. I’m not a big girl. We’ve been married for ten years and have 3 kids. I feel so stupid. He was never an ideal husband to say the least, but I always thought, well at least he is faithful. I was so wrong. When we first started dating, I found a notebook filled with the screennames of hundreds of women. He talked to them online. A lot of them had BBW as part of their user names. I confronted him. He said he would stop. I never really checked again. My mistake. Fast forward 9 years later. My husband wasn’t interested in having sex with me. He worked nights and was always so tired. Then his sexual fantasies turned strange. He wanted me to have to sex with other men. Strangers. It was all he talked about. I had no interest in this whatsoever but he would get angry. He constantly brought it up. The only time he would have sex with me is if he could talk about it. Then I don’t know why, but I checked that old email account from when we first started dating. Same user name and password from 13 years ago. What I found was horrible. It was like someone stabbed me. Hundreds of contacts from women, dating sites, etc. I pretended to be him and talked to someone. I said oh hi, how long has it been since we talked? She said “_____, I just talked to wednesday! Wow, I was so worked up.” I almost threw up. It seems he was so tired because he spent all day on the computer talking to women. Big big women. I started checking all the dating sites like a freakin’ sex detective. His user name had the word BBW in it. He was on every site I checked. More than 20. Always looking for the bigger the better. He wanted to pamper and please them. He never ever pampered and pleased me. I confronted him, I still haven’t received an answer as to why he likes those women. What’s wrong with me? If I even gained a few pounds, he never liked it. I still don’t know and it haunts me. The sex addiction is escalating. I even caught him posting ads for men. I don’t think this will ever end.
Stephanie- You are right, this will probably never end. My h was into 650# women performing d/s-crushing and stomping. I can relate to what you are going through This fetish is so disgusting and hard to wrap our minds around. I am also thin, and my h was never into me-partially because of his fetish, and partially because he also into objectifying women. When an SA is in active addiction, we are the last things on their mind. It is very demeaning to us, and many women lose self esteem. It didn’t work that way with me, I just got more angry and disgusted. I also realized my h is very sick. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder and they are unable to relate to their wives/partners intimately, and most often sexually.
Your husband is probably telling the truth about at least one thing-he probably does not know why he has a fetish for bbw. I am sure it probably is very deep seated and could very well go back to childhood issues and/or trauma. My husband came from a physically,emotionally, and possibly sexually abuse home. But, it also could just be a fantasy network they get hooked and addicted to over time. Who knows what drives their sick mind. Just remember, this is NOT about you, it is his illness and has nothing to do in any way with you. There is NOTHING wrong with you.
Is your h willing to seek therapy? Even then, it is a long road (Years) for them to learn to replace the addiction with healthy activities, and you have to decide whether or not you can continue to be subjected to frequent slips/relapses in the process. He will never be cured, and the only hope is learning to manage his addiction. Do you really want to put yourself through this?
I would suggest you seek counseling so you can appropriately assess and process this mess that has been bestowed upon you and decide what you can or will or will not tolerate. You cannot get through this on your own.
Be prepared to see continued lies and deception, because this is a way of life for them. They have spent a life time covering up.
Again, I am so sorry for your pain and anguish. Please think long and hard about whether you want to stay with a lier and cheater. The prognosis is not good. I have been there, as so many of the women on this site and s.o.s. I can tell you from experience, a leopard does not change his spots. He may plead with you, tell you he is going to get help, and promise never to do it again. This is what they do, but in most cases, it is only an attempt to save the marriage. They need that security. Most likely, he is comfortable in his addiction and it is easier for him to keep it than do the hard work it takes to get better.
You do not need a mentally ill man for a husband. You do not need a husband who cannot meet your needs in terms of love and intimacy, and you most importantly don’t need the exposure to years and years of working on recovery with him-should he decide to pursue it. Please remember that there are many men out there who are healthy and can give you what you need. You deserve it. Why don’t you separate and detach from the situation for right now-this way you can get some clarity and perspective on what you are dealing with, and then then make an objective decision on what you want to do. If you stay with him, it will be very difficult to do. You may continue to hold onto the hope of change, like many of us have done, and you will be exposed to continual manipulation by him in an attempt to keep you. RUN!
All of this said with love and a hope for a better future for you.
Sharron
I just can’t believe how many women are dealing with this.
Leave. Get Out. I know you desperately want to believe your husband will get better, but they don’t. No one should have to deal with this. Get out, find a healthy man, or just resolve to live alone. If I ever get out of my marriage, I will never associate with another man. I am convinced that they all suffer from dick brain, to a greater or lesser extent. I will never subject myself to this again. The origins of this addiction are so deep, so rooted, I really don’t think it is possible for any of them to recover.
Get out. Leave. Be well.
My best, Betty
I am new here. I found this website this weekend after my therapist suggested my parter may have a sex addiction. I have spent the last two days digesting all of the information I’m finding with varying degrees of shock, disbelief, denial, and grief.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your stories. I wish none of us had ever been exposed to the trauma of sex addiction. Now that we have, having a place like this to promote understanding, healing, and love is a Godsend. Thank you all, and particularly the JoAnn who started this website.
In reading all of your stories, two questions keep coming to mind, one of which Betty touches on in her post above. Here are my questions for all of you:
1. After living through the hell that is life for the partner of a sex addict, how in the hell are we ever supposed to trust anyone in any intimate relationship again? I, for one, have become a suspicious, paranoid shell of my former self-confident self, and can’t imagine ever trusting a man again — even men whom I previously trusted beyond a doubt, and who have never (to my knowledge) lied to me or betrayed me.
2. Setting aside all of the lies and deceptions and betrayals, parts of my relationship were great, and I had so much hope for our future together. What do you do with that hope? How do you let that go? How do I stop myself from thinking about and missing the good times?
Thanks to all of you for posting and for caring.
Love and hugs to all.
-a
Regarding my last post:
Sorry, but I just realized that this isn’t the place to ask questions. I will joint the SOS group and repost there.
Oh Sharron, Thank you so much. I’ve been living in what feels like hell for 6 months. After my husband promised he wanted me and only me forever and please don’t leave him, etc. and so on, I checked some dating sites. I’m still a bit obsessive about looking for evidence. Anyway, I found out that he logged onto a site again. It was there in black and white. Last login :______. So I held it in, but then I confronted him. I was so very angry. He denied it. Said he had no idea. LIE LIE LIE. I sent him a copy of the profile where in black and white it showed the last log in. He still denied it. The website made a mistake! Then I answered an ad he posted on craigslist. I pretended to be someone else. He agreed to meet “me” for sex. My friend drove to the meeting place and yup, he was there. When I confronted him he said he knew it was me all the time…
I was more angry because every dating site he ever went on was for Big Girls. He wants to pamper and please them. His catch phrase. Pamper and please. He never pampers and pleases me. In fact he won’t even hug me.
So he still doesn’t confess but says since he is moving out I won’t get angry anymore and he’s so sorry he has made me feel sad. I told him I was tired of trying to make him love me and that I gave up. He said he was tired of me ACCUSING him. I said I can’t go through the rest of my life never being hugged. He wants to be roomates to save money. Is that even possible? It doesn’t seem like a good idea 😉 He loves me, he just can’t treat me right. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
I’m sad that my marriage is ending. I am truly sad. I imagine that the sadness will fade. I just have to stick it out. Like having a really bad flu, I just have to get through it. There is no way around it. I’ve been so scared of sadness when I’ve been living in hell anyway.
Hi again Stephanie. The story you are telling fits every SA I have ever seen-They will lie, lie, lie-even when they know they are caught. They also project everything onto the spouse. How dare him say he is sick of being accused. You should tell him, ” tough shit asshole. The only reason I accused you was because you gave me signs that you are not an honest and up front husband. The only reason you say you are sorry is because you got caught!”
When your h tells you that when he moves out, you won’t get angry anymore. That translates into by moving out, he won’t have to listen to you bitch anymore. Moving out tells him he can keep right on with his addiction and not have to worry about any consequences. Telling you he is sorry he has hurt you means nothing. That just translates into “I don’t want to change.”
I am so glad you made the decision to have him leave. Your h is very sick, has no insight into his behavior, and also has no intention of changing. Although it hurts like hell right now, that too will pass. Soon, you will transform into a healthy woman and wonder why you you ever entertained the idea of wanting him to change. There is a rainbow at the end of all this and happiness just waiting for you to give up the old life and find the new.
How narcissistic of him to want you to have him stay and be roommates. His twisted mind thinks you would be happy with settling for less. Don’t do it!!! You will just prolong the inevitable, and because you do still love him you will have to watch him self destruct, even more, before your eyes. Kick his ass to the curb, go on with your life, and never look back. He will never be the man and husband you want him to be. He gets off on fantasy and hooking up with degenerates. Thank your lucky stars you were smart enough to play detective and catch him red handed. I love the part about where you set him up to meet you. Way to go girl! The only thing he is sorry about is you outsmarted him.You have a sicko here. Porn and mb is bad enough, but when they graduate to real people you have even less to work with.
You might think about joining S.O.S-JoAnne’s other site. I pay $15.00/mo. and it is well worth it. All of us are, or have gone through the same thing you are. Everyone is so full of love and support, and they will wrap their arms around you (They literally do so from home) at this time when you need someone to be there for you. It is a closed and confidential site. Jo-Ann will answer any questions you have personally. She is a wonderful woman and extends all of her love to all of us in crisis.
Hang in there. You are on the right track. I know you are hurting so much, and I truly feel for you. Stay strong.
Sharron
I’ve come up with a new affirmation: “Love yourself enough to leave.”
Leaving is a scary prospect, but the prospect of staying is scarier, or it is for me.
Hi, everyone.
I just found your website, and I can relate to all of the stories here! Especially the one at the top of this thread, as I’m a breast cancer survivor, too.
When I first married my husband 18 years ago, he seemed like a nice guy and a trustworthy husband. But I had suspicions after catching him in lies. The lack of trust made me not want to sleep with him very often. Then, when I was pregnant with our second child, I found conversations on his computer with other women, but they were vague enough that he was able to make excuses and behave as if I were overreacting. I didn’t think I could leave him because we had children together at that point, so I went into denial mode.
That’s when the cycle started: I would live in denial. Then I’d find porn on his computer and confront him with it. He would act as if he didn’t know how the porn got onto his computer, or he’d blame me for not sleeping with him often enough. Sometimes I’d sleep with him more often, but then I’d still find porn on the computer again. It was hardcore stuff. I’d become so disgusted that I’d stop sleeping with him; then I’d go into denial again. And on and on. For YEARS. We had a third child during that time.
During that time, he also lied to me again and again about money and drove us into debt. But he’d argue that he was the one paying the bills, so why was I so upset?
Anyway, about two years ago, everything seemed to change. We began communicating, and I felt close to him again. I was sleeping with him more often. I wasn’t finding porn on the computer, anymore. I thought our marriage was saved. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year and a half ago. What followed was a year of surgeries, treatments, and many complications and hospital stays. We could not sleep together. But he behaved like the perfect husband through it all. He texted me all day, everyday, telling me I was beautiful and that he loved me. At the end of that year, I was looking forward to a new year with better health. I slept with my husband one night once again, but the next morning I found he’d accidentally left a porn website up on his computer. So I googled the screenname, and, lo and behold, I found that, while I was fighting cancer, he had been secretly advertising himself on the internet to sleep with “BBWs”.
So, this marriage is over, but I cannot divorce him – I need the insurance! I also worry about my children – who would he bring around them if I’m not here? I insisted he go to counseling, but he stopped after a few weeks. He also won’t leave the bed, so I’ve been sleeping on the sofa for months. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry we all are in the same boat! Good luck to all of you.
Anon,
Here’s what you do. Go into your kitchen and take a glass out of the cupboard. Then put it inside two heavy grocery or garbage bags. Then, walk outside and throw it as hard as you can onto a hard surface. Step on it. (with heavy boots, of course) Get a hammer and whack it as hard as you can and pulverize it. Pretend that the glass is your husband’s penis. Then, when the poor bedraggled penis-glass is in a million little pieces, walk back up to the bedroom with the contents of the broken glass and dump the entire thing evenly on his side of the bed. Sweet dreams darling…
Hopefully, he’ll sever a major artery.
Hi L – I hope you will check back in with us. If you will read my posts, you will see that my h was also into obese women porn and stomping and crushing. This will not change, so you need to leave and never look back.
I had continual promises of change, but the lying and manipulation continued for 3 yrs. of our marriage and relationship with promises that “I will not hurt you anymore,” or, I am going to beat this. I am presently in the process of divorce.
Unfortunately, the addiction lead to objectification of women which included his sister and daughter. This problem is engrained in their psyche and most probably won’t go away. It may, or may not, be an issue from childhood trauma, but it doesn’t really matter- they are what they are and they don’t change.
I hope, from the time you posted on this site, that you have seen addiction as a reality and have been able to move on. If not, please don’t waste a lifetime on a man who has deep seated issues that will take years, if ever, to overcome. Their brain has become saturated with this coping mechanism, and I can speak from experience and all the research I have done on addiction – he will NOT change. So, I hope, by this time, you have left and made a healthy life for yourself.
Sounds like you are a very attractive woman and can find a man who can truly meet your neets. This man cannot.
Check back in with us and update us on your story.
Hugs,
Sharron
Missed you Sharon,
Thanks for the reply. I am working on getting my life back. There is a partial separation and I gave him back the wedding ring. He stays downstairs and I am upstairs. No intimacy for months. Sex is a good thing but I can’t do it without the right feelings. He is sorting himself out on that I believe. Once I get admission to a university, I am off out the country with the kids. I’ll take it from there. He needs a miracle to change. What I feel is pity for him.
He loves porn BBW. I am tall and heavy boned of 214lbs. I am not prudish though I will not do certain things which both repulse me and are against my faith. Anal etc.
So with all that, he would rather view fat women having sex to wank with? When someone with her heart and body is right next to him? Then he is to be pitied. His lover was attractive according to him and I never found out if she was fat. The funny thing is that he always put down the obese, even himself with his pot belly.
It’s a sickness really. I see him all suited up and he has carriage enough to elicit respect where ever he goes. And I am thinking, he will soon be dribbling over porn and perhaps wanking.
It’s pathetic and low. It’s addictive somehow and anyone can be addicted to it. But you know why it can’t happen to me? Because I can see it as something which is controlling me and that thing is just human beings who are so debased that they are exhibiting something beautiful like sex to be so trashy. Things that even wild animals will not do are being done by “intelligent animals”. That will not control me. I am more than that.
All the best to all individuals who are having issues with SA as spouses.
Sort yourself out first and pray for them to fix themselves for their own sakes. It’s the least you can do.
If they are so into big women why don’t they date big women,there are many guys who prefer different women.
I’m in love with a beautiful 290 pound woman myself,and I only desire her and no one else.
Those men were probably closeted bbw-admirers from the start,but me on the contrary had my first date at 16 who was a chubby girl.But 650 pounds???It’s almost the size of a horse goddammit!
A bit much even for me,but whatever floats their boat,everyone should just go for people they feel attracted.
to.
Magnus,
I understand your logic, but we are talking about someone who is suffering from an addiction, not a normal, healthy individual. What you are saying is like telling an alcoholic that if they like whiskey, that this is all they should be drinking. It is no different. A sex addict may want some women to fulfill some of his needs–like a mommy, for instance, or a housekeeper, a cook, a caregiver for his children, arm candy, validation that he’s “normal.” A date for New Year’s eve, a companion for a vacation and so forth… And then… there are women to have sex with– and these are not the woman he’s beholden too. Sometimes they have sex with their partners as well, but often they do not. Never mind that he made a vow. He has his (pathological) NEEDS. Do you see? Sex addiction is not about a normal, mutually satisfying, HEALTHY relationship or even sexual preferences. Its a drug. Beginning, middle, end. And unfortunately, its a very, very difficult drug to give up– once it takes hold. What you are feeling towards your partner is beautiful and normal and something that we all thought that we also had, until one day something happened and the ugly, dark truth took over our beings like a metastasized cancer. Wishing you well. Kim
My husband always kept his pcs, iPads and phones away from me. After I accidentally discovered from his phone a message from a woman, he confessed to an affair though he tried to make it look like a simple and insignificant thing. It was going on close to two tears at the time of discovery. He swore it was nothing and that I was his world and because he knew that things would no longer be the same between us, that I should allow him to be remaiin my friend and he swore to make me happy if it kills him to do so. But my requests for his devices where met with a solid sharp no, it will never happen. I eventually spied from his pc once when he took the kids out from his favorite websites that he was heavy on porn and the more shocking thing about it was that it was porn of grossly obese and ugly women with folds of skin and wrinkles everywhere. Women who would pose showing a man running a fist into thier bodies. Four messages popped up from women but I was unable to read them. There were tons of BBW porn pages on that pc. He probably had more on his other pc which he guarded with so much secrecy as well as on his smart phones. He had deleted months of messages and call when I asked him to give me the phone to look at. He called me days later to challenge me for looking at his pc. He brushed aside my questions about the messages and his viewing of porn to stentatiously rebuke me that even though he loves me that I was going too far and if I was looking for reasons for divorce…. I cut in and told him yes, I wanted a divorce.
At that point, I saw a lifetime of betrayal and manipulation in a lonely, loveless marriage full of deceit and fear of the unknown. The worst part of it were his denials and lies not to forget the churchy hypocrisy.
Can’t say I didn’t know better, he had old porn videos in his bedroom when we were dating and that was before days of online porn and chat rooms. I brushed it off as things boys will always have.
He had become cold and distant, withdrawn and over defensive, totally in denial for some years. He looked for reasons to blame me for things he was responsible for. He would recall stories of past incidents and cast himself in the roles I played which were acts that made the stories interesting or highly moral and cast me in the role he played which was of lesser significance. I ignored it over the years. But recently I mentioned it to him and ALL he could say was that he wandered why I could keep such anger in me for so long. Totally missed the point in order to rebuke me.
Two weeks now and he has been in the guest room and we communicate through texts and he is always polite and courteous, saying thanks etc but avoids the big issue.
I REALISE that he is sick but he does not ask for help so I will help him but in a detached way and he has to ask for help. I understand that he clearly has no control anymore. He comes home from work late and stays up late till early hours of the morning claiming insomnia. Now I know what keeps him awake.
I honestly miss having a man in a healthy relationship who would nurture, love and give me sexual satisfaction. Clearly he is incapable of this, but I won’t cheat and I will stay to help him, not by making up for his lapses, but by praying for him and supporting him while letting him know that he can do better than this.
But it’s gonna be tough because I married to have a mate not to nurse an unwilling patient of sex addiction. For better for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us apart….!
yawn…
notlovingit. I would so very much love to leave it at that, but it doesn’t sound very kind and the reason it doesn’t sound very kind and supportive. However, I understand more deeply than you will ever know everything that you are feeling and then some and I am hopping mad!
Hun, he CAN’T do any better. He doesn’t want to do any better. He doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with himself. He thinks that he “just” has a “high sex drive.” He tells himself a myriad of stories and he CANNOT understand where this crushing anger from you is suddenly coming from? hmmmmm… let me see here… (He thinks) “what has gotten into you woman? don’t you know your place?” Do you understand? He is mentally ill and deranged. If you wanna sacrifice your short and precious life for this sorry excuse for a human being, then so be it, but please consider, WHO IS GOING TO HELP YOU??? hmmmmm??? Why do you so badly want to help HIM over YOURSELF??? I am sorry, dear woman but this is just not right! There are no medals given in heaven for martyrdom and a masochistic lifestyle is not very rewarding after a while, either. Why are you beating yourself up like this? YES. beating yourself up. Why are you tolerating this abuse for one more minute? If you think by some divine miracle that he is going to change, then think again. HE IS NOT CAPABLE OF THIS. Sorry to shout, but please, for the love of God, someone tell me a story that doesn’t sound EXACTLY like every other story on this site. That is what the “yawn” was for. Not to minimize your excruciating pain. But hun, it took me over six years to finally really and truly “get it.” HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. (and its not just the sex addiction, but all that goes with it!)
I’m moving on. I just bought an apartment–TODAY. I got a great deal and its bright and sunny and loaded with charm. Please you do not have to live a life in the dark, either. All of us took OUR vows seriously. But please, you must understand one key point here. THERE IS NO BETTER OR WORSE! He reneged on that marriage contract a long time ago, and therefore whether you choose to stay or leave, that contract is STILL going to remain null and void. ITS OVER. Do you understand? Sorry, to sound so harsh, but it takes TWO to make a marriage. You deserve, so, so much better. It breaks my heart to hear a woman in so much pain and then hear that she has resolved to just stick it out because that is what SHE vowed to do. Please, for the love of God, this ship IS sinking! This is reality. Yes, you were supposed to go to New York. Yes, yes, yes… we all were. We all had hopes and dreams that got smashed to smithereens by some errant ice berg that we were hell bent destined to crash into and for what? why? But please do not try to answer these unanswerable questions. Get some professional help. Even speak to your pastor. I am positive that there is no law in any Holy Book that states that you are anything but free and clear to dissolve this sham of a marriage and make a new and healthy life for yourself, because I hear so very clearly that in your heart, this is what you deeply and truly desire. And its alright. It truly, truly is.
I know its very, very tough. I know… I know… but if I, the most stuck of all of the stucks that were ever stuck could do it, so can you. I am moving on, as they say. Twenty-five years of marriage down the drain. Am I sad? Sure, I’m sad. Its a tragedy, because this disease kills souls, however, as long as I still have breath in my body, I am going to search and search until I have revived mine. Please, you can pray for him, but at a distance. Save yourself. Love yourself more and God bless you as you stay the course. ~ Kim
Thanks Kim,
6 years from now will make it 25 years of being with this guy and I just wonder what I will do with myself when I am 50 years of age. I have been a stay home mum for 13 years, no income, not a dime. If I divorce him, the support I am entitled to in my country is way below poverty level. The kids life style will suffer drastically and in a twinkling of an eye, a young lady of the manor would have moved in to replace me. His income level has really climbed high. He recently bought a house in our joint ownership, so I will stay, make him work out a will and get something out of this marriage after 16 years of devoted and faithful partnership. I leave now I leave with my miseries and poverty into freedom but I want more.
Yes I will pray for him. But in a time frame when I have some financial independence, I will make my move. I do pray that he would have seen the light by then.
I am about to get a job, though a volunteer Job with no pay. With that on my RESUMÉ as some work experience, I hope to apply for and get a better job in the future. It’s a game of patience and prayers from now on.
Notlovingit,
If I may offer a suggestion… Start stashing the cash. not joking. he’ll never notice it or you can say it was for lessons, soccer cleats, whatever. Just put some away every week. Its okay. Its not stealing. You deserve it and you need that money and he OWES YOU. I am so sorry that you are in this predicament. I am lucky. I have been working for the last 20 years, because after we had our first child, I wanted to blow my brains out and my little job saved my life, before I started my own business. As a matter of fact, I was the soul bread winner for 3.5 years, while hubsand trolled the internet for as many women as he could find. Still, I’m in an economy based profession and I’m working my tale off. We have been together for 25 years and have two (nearly) grown children. I am leaving because I just got sick and tired of finding not-so-little bombshells detonating in my direction–and often when I least expected it. Its disgusting and it permeates every area of one’s life and even infects the extended family. AND, often the kids, too. So, please, please… be alert and present. Sex addicts often abuse their children in secret. It can be overt or subtle, but its very common.
I will pray for you, too. best, Kim
Kim,
I just got back from the job interview and instead of it being just a volunteer job, I will be paid something and will get flexible hours AND training too. The lady said she can hardly believe that I had been off work that long from the way I conducted myself during the interview. Wow! I see the grace of God here. She said that she iis tough to please but she could tell right away that we connected and would love to give me a chance. It’s an NGO and it will give me a chance to build a career in HR and ADMIN which I have always loved and a chance to work with people facing challenges.
Thanks Kim, for your well wishes and prayers. I honestly connect with you so well.
THe thought of stashing has been playing on my mind and I will do it. Starting from this season till whenever. I will slow down the divorce process because he really does not want it.but wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is a devoted catholic who is prominent in his church community. The youths and most individuals in his church look up to him, wishing they could his kind of marriage. If he divorces, he would never be able to remarry and if he does, he would loose the ability to take the holy sacrament which to a catholic is being a living dead. He would zero in prestige and that means too much for him to loose. But he does not want to let go his love to look at as many vaginas as is porn possible and involve in cybersex. In addition, the affairs. I strongly suspect, looking back now that he was probably having my domestic helps. I had 16 maids in a year who would spend a day or two then leave.
Talking of children, I will be on alert for my daughters.
Notlovingit, First of all… I am sooo happy for you! That is absolutely fantastic news about the job! Yes, God is indeed with you. Unfortunately, he’s not with your h, the “devout Catholic”??? who somehow gets away (but not quite) with breaking just about every commandment that Moses handed down and then some. So tell me, please, how he claims to be so pious? its all one big disgusting con and a ruse. Lots of addicts hide behind religion and THAT also becomes an addiction. But, that is not real faith, is it. He is ALREADY THE LIVING DEAD and who effin cares if he marries another woman, (shudder) and hopefully, he won’t because he will do to HER what he’s done to YOU, because as sure as hell is burning hot, he will carry on as always and I for one, would certainly hate to see that happen. Let him crash and burn. He only has himself to blame and don’t fall for his pity act, either. Yes, yes… he’s a master con and what you see is not what you get. (unless one is the cleaning help. omg. he IS a pig, isn’t he?) So be it. You get it and you are going to be fine. Stash the cash… Carry on with your dream and in time, (and you will know when that is, because it will become crystal clear) you will make your move. Blessings always, Kim.
When I met my husband I had lost 80 pounds and went on to lose another went on to lose 80 pounds more. One year after my tummytuck he apparently lost all desire for me and we have not have sex for YEARS. He had several affairs. I eventually forgave but never forgot. Fast forward to last night. I used his computer to quickly enter a contest and BBW , obese grannies, and other sick porn sites popped up under Google! At first he denied viewing them until I confronted him with the evidence, then said he only looked at them “once or twice a year and never when you are home.” HUH??? Was this meant to reassure? And do I continue to look stupid to him? This is all the more upsetting because while I am far from thin I.worked hard at NOT being morbidly obese! He said if he knew I’d find out he would never have done it. HUH again???I think he is sick. Naturally he says he has “issues ” but he is fine. I don’t know this person.Right now I just see worms crawling around in his brain and I know longer-or neverdid-know this person.What do I DO? Right now I just wish I’d never met him….
Help! I’m a personal trainer who takes pride in my body and I keep finding nude large women mags in my husbands closet.This isn’t the first time but because we haven’t been intimate in over 6 months I am starting to worry…. Should I be?
It has been scary and sad reading through this. And I completely empathise with you all. Bloody men! I’ve been with mine for 5 years, married for 1. We seem to always have had issues, with me discovering more and more over the years. We have just done a big move abroad and have had a stressful few years. After some persuasion, he finally sought help and realised he had some serious sex addiction from childhood trauma. The wonderful thing that sounds different to some of the stories here is that he knew he had an issue and had healing therapy. The problem I am having is that I feel completely objectified and whenever we try to be intimate I remember the pain he has caused me. (Downloaded porn, matchmaking websites, bbw profiles and even a picture of my best friend in a biking that I had taken on a girly holiday…. I confronted him about that, said he wanted to compare some of his fat porn). He is sad about how it has affected me. I have lost all confidence and sex drive and hate him touching any of my chub. Everything else with us is as good as it can be, few usual couple arguments over who should do the washing up. I guess my question is, how on earth do I get over everything he has done? And start having a healthy level of intimacy again? please help x
I’m in love with a man who loves porn. I’m 444 lbs and he tells me he isn’t sexually attracted to me/ but he watches porn of woman who are as big as me or even bigger. He has cheated on me several times with smaller obese woman, but I don’t understand why he is not attracted to me. I’m pretty, I’m good at sex, I can do most or more then them woman on the porn he watches. He keeps telling me only if you lose some weight, you will look good. But my body type is the same as those woman he’s looking at every night. I don’t understand!!!
Hi L! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m in love with a man who loves porn so much — of over-sized men and women. And I also found out that he’s actually doing it with both genders and of large sizes. He told me that he’s doing it for money but I don’t buy it, I’ve seen tons of saved video and pictures in his phone, conversations and etc. All of the blogs that he’s following is with Gay/Chubby/Bear porn. It hurts so much! I got pregnant and guess what, a Gay/Chub ‘friend’ of him mistakenly texted him on my number to have a quickie and I got stressed/depressed since that day. Unfortunately, I lost my child because of that. I hate them!
hello i am so glad i found this site i use to weigh 350 lbs i lost weight found out my husband was cheating on me then i went through his internet browser and social media stuff every woman he talks to is a ssbbw he calls them pretty beautiful wants to take them out he never tells me these things he doesnt hold my hand we dont even kiss we dnt have sex i am very lonely and despressed he not into me the porn sites i saw on his phone was disgusting degrading to women he says things like im 2 small i have a boy chest but when i was big he act like i was disgusting to him i never felt so alone and miserable in my life