I am new to your website and new to many web sites like this. My life has had incredible and devastating change to it the past several months. I’d like to share my story and find out how to get involved with your web site more,
I am a newbie, feeling perhaps I have finally found a good place after weeks of research and reading. I have recently found out that the last 10 years of my life have been a lie. I’d like to share my story.
On May 8th, I caught my partner of 10 years and my fiancé of a 7 months with another woman. He’d been physically dating her for a couple of months I later found out. I found page upon page upon page of text conversations with her in our phone bill on May 9th. If that wasn’t bad enough, within a day of finding that, I found my partner to be with yet ANOTHER woman.
Floored and confused, I continued to investigate and ask more questions. With in a few more days, I discovered that my partner had been with MANY women over the months, more than I could count, both in Wisconsin as well as Virginia. We had two homes at the time. (I was in our VA home and he had been traveling back and forth regularly from our WI home for the last two years)
He naturally was offering up NONE of this information himself about these women however, I was having to find it on my own by bringing up the history of our cell phone bill as far as AT&T would let me and also calling suspicious phone numbers or calls made “after” normal business hours and on weekends. I was speechless. My continued review of our cell phone records showed him with multiple women as far back as the records would go, and at that time was a year and 1/2 history. I found internet relationships with 8 women in the last year and 1/2’s phone records.
In April of this year, he’d been texting 3 of us at the same time one day. My head was spinning to say the least. He kept saying all of them were “just friends”…only friends….I new he was lying. He, up until a couple of weeks ago only admitted to something when I’d caught him. Fearlessly defending himself the entire time. Anyway, He was communicating with these women from 6 or 7 a.m. every morning, all day non stop until 1 or 2 a.m in the night. EVERY single day. I’d had issues with him and his cell phone all winter…he clung to it like it was an appendage to his body. It had been driving me nuts. I found out that during our trip to New York over the New Years holiday, I’d been sharing our bed the entire time, with another woman through his cell phone.
I insisted in mid May to move out. Money or not, I had no choice in my mind. I am disabled and have been on social security for 3 years and financially dependent on him for the last 9 years. He continued to plea for me not to leave. He rented me a little house about 25 miles from where our Condo was. All the while, he insisted that he’d not slept with ANY of them. He was adamant about that. I didn’t believe it. He spent the entire summer professing he was a changed man, professing that he was now being honest, professing he would be faithful, that my finding him in May with this woman in our town had given him “a nuclear awakening”…begging for me to give him just 30 days to prove his integrity with me.
I still didn’t believe what he was saying and continued to press on for “the truth”. All the while, I found myself beginning to believe his sincerity, still remaining torn between continuing forward with my life without him. But he was wearing me down. Then in late July, I found he’d posted another ad in craigslist, looking for another woman while he’d been at my home going on and on about being faithful.
Also in July, his best friend, childhood friend of near 50 years passed away. They lived in Wisconsin. I knew he and his friend’s wife had been communicating. It made sense to me and I was fine with it of course. However, I came upon reliable information that he was taking this relationship with her “Beyond’ friendship. Just 4 weeks after his friends death. That made me very upset that he’d no respect for his now “deceased” best friend.
In early August, I finally agreed to have dinner with him and as soon as I brought up her name, he did that thing he’d done since last spring….got very nervous, unsettled, squirmed in his seat and his face become all contorted. I knew he was lying. I addressed the lying directly with him. He admitted that “she appeared to be “wanting” him, that “she had been coming on to him”.
He further told me that she was planning a trip now to our condo to stay with him, here in Va Beach.” He said he’d no physical interest in her and tried to pose this whole situation as a “dilemma” for him. Innocent of anything. I was livid, not because of her directly, but because it appeared that he couldn’t stay away from ANY woman, as he’d encountered another woman earlier in the summer and was trying to convince me that it too was strictly platonic.
I stood up in the restaurant, called him a “male whore” and walked out. I contacted this gal in Wisconsin, this widow. I knew her, but he’d always kept me distanced with the handful of close friends he’d kept up there. I did so because I new he was using her and didn’t want ANY woman to go through what I had been going through with him. It took me a week to build up the courage to contact her and tell her what was really going on down here. I knew he was telling people anything but the truth with regard to our situation.
Shocked, She told me that he had been “luring” her, lusting after her, wanting her to come to our condo. Vulnerable, Embarrassed but honest she did admit that it had gone beyond friendship but that he was very good at saying all the right things. The sick part of that story is I gave him the opportunity to come clean with me before I spoke with her. Two full days actually. He knew I’d sent her an email regarding the truth, I’d told him she’d requested to speak with me over the phone. Yet he refused to change his story right up to minutes before I called her. He only came clean, once again, AFTER I got to the bottom of the issue. After I talked with her. I don’t understand that at all to be honest…I simply don’t. He knew she was going to tell me a totally different story.
Anyway, to get to the point, all hell broke loose, I wouldn’t take his ridiculous justifications and rationalizations any more. He came to me within a few days of that conversation with the widow (which has only been about 2 + weeks ago now) and told me that he’d slept with the woman I’d caught him with in May – 6 days after I’d caught them seeing each other and he’d lied to me about it all summer.
Again, always choosing the “other choice” as he’d never put me first in our relationship ever in 10 years. After I caught them in May he chose her and not me. His sleeping with her AFTER I caught them is worse for me than had it occurred before I discovered the relationship. I have since further discovered that this is NOT a womanizing problem, this is a sex addiction problem. He now admits to this. He’s addicted to masturbation and has admitted to excessive masturbation multiple times a day, and has done so since he was a teenager. He told me this 8 days ago as well.
He gave me the passwords to his email accounts 2 1/2 weeks ago and I opened up an entire other world, a whole other life… he has led a dual life with me our entire relationship. He said the “seeds” were planted long before us, he’d controlled it early on in our relationship but figures at this point he started again in 2004/2005 but is really not sure. He states he’d find places in our home to take care of his excessive masturbation even going so far as performing the act at his place of business if he found himself alone.
After I moved out in May, his addiction got worse. He brought a hooker to our home and using our beautiful condo on the beach, which contains a huge double head euro shower and a hot tub exposed in our master bedroom, offered to “host” women for photography of you know what, and making them “moan” in our hot tub as he put it in one response to a woman. He had turned out home into a “sex palace” and He’s been chasing 22, 23, 24 year old girls in addition to ones as old as me and everywhere in between. He didn’t care about age or race. He tried to meet a 23 yr old African American college student last spring one weekend. He told one 22 year old he wanted to relive his youth through her and carry out his little secret of doing so. My God, His daughter is 21!
His last posting on craigslist was August 7th. In April he had 9 ads going at the same time seeking pleasure….9 ads on Craigslist and 10 – 20 profiles on web sites like “hornymatches.com, Ashley Madison.com, adult friend finder.com, fling. com…sexsearch.com….and on and on……places I’d never seen nor heard of. His conversations with them are horrible, disgusting and dirty. He’s plastered his picture taken in our home in Wisconsin with my children’s art work in the background, all over the internet into thousands of inboxes over the years.
He’s currently active on 15 or more dating sites and trust me when I say it’s not the nice ones either. He’s finally admitted that he lied about our relationship for years in order to gain sympathy. He used the most intimate details of my life to “lure” his women, to present himself as the “white knight”. The night I caught him with the woman in our town in May, I had to get an emergency block on my cell phone after 8 hours of non stop filthy text messages from her each disclosing statements that contained the most intimate, personal details of my life (yet twisted around) over the years. She threatened me and claimed she was coming over to my house to “straighten” me out because she and him were “just pals” as she called it.
She was saying things like “if I’d given better blow jobs, my mean ole’ ex husband wouldn’t have been looking at porn”…telling me to go take my pills because I needed them….Telling me that I needed to “get me some” and needed to do so with him…..It was horrible and horrifying. Over 36 text messages from her in 8 hours until I could get the block in place. God only knows how many more would have continued to come.
My older son immediately moved home for a few weeks until we felt better that she wasn’t coming to my house. Perhaps this is why I’m more devastated that he went and had sex with her 6 days after this! Yet, they were only supposed to “be pals” according to BOTH of them. He knew what she was saying to me all night that night. She’d copied him in on several of her filthy comments. I was sitting and watching our cell phone bill all day while this was going on. It posts texts within 5 minutes of real time. From 1:00 that after noon that I let him know I knew about her, his phone was burning up with text messages from her as well as myself until midnight that night. Most of them from her, she’d text me, then him, me then him. I even at one point called him and told him to control “his bitch”…..he did nothing. He was not in our home that day. He was at work and proceeded to a hotel as I forbid him from returning to our home.
He clearly states now that by making me out to be the “bad” person, he could get others to feel sorry for him. By removing himself as a cause of my anger then he wasn’t responsible for the “bad relationship” we were experiencing. It worked.
I have been bouncing into walls for three weeks now, unable to accomplish much. All I want to do is stay in bed. As I have researched this addiction, he fits the description of a sex addict to a “T”….Lack of total commitment from the beginning of our relationship, Always tired, unable to perform in the bedroom with us, a loner, no outside interests, no male friends. My head is spinning because I never had a clue! Not ONE clue yet now as I look back, all the signs were there…I guess I just trusted him…
It explains so much to me now. All the issues I had with him over the years, sadly were all the things a sex addict does. It never made sense to me why we could never overcome those issues. He has led two lives for years. He got careless last spring and it was only because of that, I caught him.
He has hit very close to “bottom”, but admittedly still sugar coats and minimizes his choice of words to many over the matter. But he has made HUGE steps by hopefully being honest. With much continued procrastination, he’s going to SAA meetings and turning his life over to God. Coming clean, I know all to well is the hardest step. I’m still not sure there’s not more he’s not opened up about although he claims there is not. He still swears he only carried out physical sex with the one in May.
We have probably had over the last two or three weeks the most genuine conversations of our entire 10 year history. He’s begging me to come back to him. He hasn’t stopped telling me that I am the only one he’s ever loved or wanted. I simply am overwhelmed and feel like I’ve been run over by a train. This has crippled me….I honestly don’t know if I can ever get through this much less over it.
I’m afraid. I’m lost. I’ve a distinct history at remaining in unhealthy relationships. My first husband was an alcoholic, my second an abuser, and now I almost married a sex addict. He did finally give me a ring a year ago this past weekend,after 5 years of begging, but he went on line that night after to talk to his long list of women he was involved with. We had been in separate bedrooms since last February when he returned from Wisconsin. I began to catch him lying to me last summer a year ago, day in and day out about little things. He lied to me three times about the job he’d taken here in Virginia last January. I thought then, if he’d lie to me about that, what else would he lie to me about.
Only the good Lord knew what he was about to lead me to in the months that lay ahead. It irked me all last spring, why his door was always closed, He’d go into his bedroom the moment he got home and stayed there all night. He be emailing me his flight schedule for his return here and email two or three other woman with the same information telling them how much he missed them, how he couldn’t wait to see them. Now of course, I know why, he was in that bedroom….to seek out his women and self pleasure himself during or afterward …..day after day after day, night after night.
Statistics suggest that sex addiction is the hardest to reach and stay in recovery. When I see a future with him, I see uncertainty, mistrust, relapse and struggle. Yet, after now knowing all this, I am troubled with the notion that if this had been out years ago and dealt with, would our relationship have been different? I feel at times if I don’t take him back because of this it would be like me walking out on my husband after entering treatment for an alcohol addiction. I am hurt, devastated and lost beyond all right now.
I found a therapist here that specializes in sex addiction and we’ve just begun to see him over the last couple of weeks. We’ve only had one appointment together, the initial, but I made it clear that I do not know if I want this relationship back so he’s seeing us both separate right now.
He is juggling between paying for where I’m living and maintaining our existing home. I’ve no support from anyone close to me when it comes to my thinking of trying to work this out with him. They all want me as far a way as I can be from him. And honestly I don’t know if I want to yet or not. Part of me does, part of me doesn’t. He wants me back and I can tell he’s becoming frustrated with my lack of commitment in either direction.
He claims his last masturbation was three weeks ago. He claims he is not going back there. He claims total abstinence and is going to remain so. Though it is obvious he is in major withdrawal. He’s irritable, edgy and angry. I’ve been around addiction too long and I know the signs. My research clearly states that abstinence is NOT the way to go here and most assuredly will bring on relapse.
I am struggling with allowing him to masturbate and/or have sex with me in order for that not to happen. Yet, I feel dirty about the notion of him even touching me right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I do want him back, I’m not sure I don’t.
I have this fantasy that maybe through all this things could be different, better that ever before. But I do know if I don’t provide some form of outlet for him, I’m going to get slammed into the wall again by his admission of either violent masturbation, posting on craigslist or both. The therapist involved now that we just began with couldn’t give me any advice. He told me he’d leave that decision up to me in the end, but said should I choose to do so, I would have to “bluff”….very much so “bluff” for his benefit.