M’s Story–I Feel Trapped In My Marriage To A Sex Addict

When I first realized that my husband was a Sex Addict is when I found some pornography charged to my Cable bill. We had not been married long and I had just had our first child. My husband really wanted children and he seemed to be this great Christian guy and was very loving when we first met.

I have been dealing with this our whole marriage. I definitely have asked the question, “What is wrong with me??? If I was just a better person, If I was prettier or smarter. Although, I feel hurt and do not trust him I continue to stay in this marriage.

My husband lies about it and has even cheated on me at least twice that I know about. He was arrested once for wearing a a mask and approaching a nearby house where only women lived. He was really lucky that he was not convicted of voyeurism.

He was also accused of breaking into a neighbors house and putting out a her lingerie on her bed. He was only questioned in that incident. He has kissed one of my friends and her sister. He is a member of two sex websites where men solicit women for sex or vice-versa. He is addicted to internet pornography… I mean really the list goes on an on.

I do not have a job right now and I feel trapped in this marriage. Right now I do not have any confidence in myself and have been looking for a job since I was laid off in Dec of 2008. When I was laid off that is when I started finding more and more indiscretions. My husband definitely lives a secret life. He can be so charming to me and very loving to our 2 boys. I do feel like I am on a roller coaster all the time and do not know how to get off.
I know I need help for myself but I don’t have the $$ to get the help because my husband is always spending too much money. Is there any help for someone like me???

P.S. If you share my story, please do not use my real name.

Thank You,
M

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Responses

  1. You can get help with therapy at a women’s shelter I see a psychologist every week and there is no cost they deal with all forms of abuse and trauma. Call the one nearest you and see what they offer. I am also doing the recovery nation online partners lessons and this has given me great support also. This site is also a wonderful gift from Joanne and all the others,Hope this can give you some ideas.

  2. Thanks Katt, for letting M know how to “untrap” yourself. I remember your first posts and how hard you had to keep at it, but you did!

    M, I wish I could wave that magic wand for you. I understand your self-esteem has plummeted with job loss and the horrible reality of being married to an SA. But you have to stop the free fall. Posting here was a good start. Well done. It takes courage to begin to put yourself out there. You can take the next step. Check out the resources near you, as Katt described. Even it they just help you find support, they are conversations that help you believe you can “untrap yourself” too.

    And the SA activity has NOTHING to do with what you look like, or any other personal trait. The key is in the SA, not the spouse. You don’t have that much power for good or ill in this situation. You only have power to control your own life. Take control. One small step at a time. Look up the resources. Make the call. Keep the appointment. Tell your story.

    You are worth every small step that you take. If nothing else, hear that.

    love,
    D.

  3. Dear M,

    These ladies really know what they are talking about, I am relatively new here myself, and I can’t tell you how glad I posted.:). You were brave and I commend you. The advice here free, yet priceless and it has been a tremendous help to me over the last 6 mos. Everyone here: all in the same boat, at one point in our discovery of SA or another. Please, take steps for yourself. As Katt said, the shelters, recovery nation, or even just reading here — there are things we can do to build ourselves up again. Sometimes its the little things they can take us much further than we expect.

    Please post, read and check often. there is love and support for you.

  4. Hi M- It took a lot of courage to post on this site for the 1st time. I am so sorry for you and what you are going through.
    Do you have family or friends for support? The others have given you great ideas for resources. I know you feel trapped because of the financial situation, and your’e self esteem is in the toilet, but there is always a way out. I don’t care how much money your’e husband spends – his primary responsibility is to you and the kids. I don’t know what state you live in, but most support the wife, in that as long as you are married to him he has to provide adequate support for you -even if you are separated.
    My biggest concern is for you. After hearing what he has done, at some point in time your’e husband could be dangerous to others. These sexual addictions usually progress and it gets more difficult for them to get their “high”. He has already broken into a house, and on another occasion was arresed for wearing a mask and approaching a house where only women lived. It is very possible this will escalate to violence. And, you may only know of those two occasions – most likely there are more and he may not have been caught.
    You say he is very good to you and the kids, but I have to wonder what he would do if you try to leave him. I am not trying to scare you, but these are things you should think about. Perhaps, in addition to counseling, you should get advice from an attorney in regards to the financial situation.
    You do not have to live like this! It must be very stressful for you to live in this environment. Please know you have other options. Do not wait -please seek help immediately.
    My thoughts are with you. Please continue to use this site for support. We have all “been there” and will be there for you when you are feeling down and just need to ventilate.

  5. Leaving is a big step and it requires much contemplation even when you know in your heart that you ought to be out of there. I know because I feel the same way but for slightly different reasons.

    You mentioned $$. I want to suggest that the very first thing you do is to open your own bank account completely separate from his. This is not a joint account but one just for you to start saving. Quietly and privately. Nobody, especially not your spouse, needs to know about this. If you feel guilty about keeping this private, just think of all the things your husband is doing (and has done) without your knowledge or consent.

    I am very concerned about the escalation in your spouse’s behaviour. This is a clue that the addiction is spiralling out of control. His breaking into someone’s house is extremely telling and very disturbing. That tells me he has no difficulty running roughshod over the boundaries of complete strangers. He is willing to break the law. You should be concerned. What will be next?

    I don’t want to scare you but we just went through a case where a well-respected colonel in the Canadian military broke into more than 80 homes to get trophies (women’s underwear). Nobody suspected this guy. He has ended up in jail with several murder charges. Please, protect yourself. Protect your kids. I don’t care how ‘loving’ he seems, his other behaviour shows me what he is capable of.

    I don’t want to leave you with that really negative message. I can’t tell you what to do but I can say that you deserve to be confident and happy. I suspect if you make a plan about finding work and building yourself up, that you’ll come out on top. Hugs.