Dear JoAnn,

I am so happy to have found your website. It has been a lifeline over the past few months. I thought you might find interesting some email correspondence between myself and my SA husband. Some background: Found out 3 mos ago that my husband sleeps with men and she male prostitutes. Has done so before I even married him. There is also porn addiction. He confessed. In his confessions, trips to Rio de Janeiro were explained to be part of his acting out his sexual fantasies. Said he wants to recover. Therapy and money controls, where he does not have access. Said wants the marriage.

The past weekend brought up the possibility of him traveling to Brazil! I told him no way, not if he is serious about rebuilding trust and our marriage. He said OK and agreed. The next day during an argument he threatened to go to Brazil anyway.

Below is my email to him and his lovely response.

— Date: Tuesday, September 7, 2010, 3:22 PM

Subject: Brazil- fyi-please read

Please do me a favor, commit or quit. The mere fact that you have asked to go on a trip like that and even threatened to book it any way (you obviously feel denied about it) has made me seriously question your commitment to your so called “recovery”. How are you recovering from a 20 year habit on your own? Answer: YOU ARE NOT. Therapy once a week, and money controls are not enough. While they may limit acting out, and I am appreciative of those things, that is the beginning. The source of the behavior and the damage it has done to me, you and our finances, needs to be healed and rectified. This takes something more than what is in place. I acknowledge the steps you have taken. You have done some for sure and I am grateful.

However, If your “thing” that you need to do is so heavy upon you, driving you off to foreign places so to pursuit your other “interests”-(like the first 3 mos of marriage) I am sorry for you and all of us in this family. Because life as we know it will end on the account of your behavior. Marriage is trust, a covenant and agreement between 2 people. the things you pursuit break the agreement and covenant between us. divorce will ensue. I will be forced to follow through with no other “real choices”. staying married with continued secret behavior is not an option.

I want fidelity and trust, period. If you break that, I believe that the end of our marriage and family life where our daughter is concerned is mostly your fault so you deal. All other issues – communication, happiness, etc, are workable and a work in progress for me as well with my things to work on- I play part in this. But, Continuing lying, infidelity, unhealthy sex, secret life, secret trips etc, is on you, it is not an acceptable way of life for me to stay married to. It breaks our family.

So my stance is clear, and there is no confusion, i will assume that any trips, secret excursions, money cover-ups include acting out, which is grounds for divorce or minimum legal sep. and separate households. I can’t even call it a relapse because your not really in recovery. Otherwise there would be no porn your computer and you would be doing a 12 step or otherwise. there is porn all over it. saw it myself. any 12 step recovery will require you to rid yourself of all porn if you are serious. If You want acceptance of your “other self” because of all the “other” good things that you do, am I really supposed to consider your SA behavior a “small thing” to overlook and go on as usual? That outlook completely minimizes the addiction and its harmful repercussions – STDs. AIDS, HIV. all very possible. not a small thing to overlook. Our daughter could end up an orphan~!

Commitment to recovery and me, that is my boundary. I welcome you to adhere, which I hope you will. If not, the consequences need to be known. You can book your trip and I can consult an attorney about it, we will support 2 separate households instead of 1. No mistakes.

You can enjoy your other “life” and I will start anew. there are worse things for children than divorce. FYI a philandering husband whose habits destroy the mother of their child spiritually, emotionally, and even physically is far worse than living separate lives and healthy co parenting where at least I have a shot, yes a shot, at a healthy relationship with somebody else. Not every man cheats, not everyman is an addict, not every man endangers the life of his wife. you be the judge and decide what you want. without abandon, please. commit or quit if you want our life together. no more limbo. no more lies and secrets.

You said you have a tall order for me– stay in the marriage after finding out and work through recovery with you. I am willing to do that, but only if you are serious. I have a taller order – love me with abandon, and do not pursuit things outside of our marriage. for the rest of our lives. This is even taller, but I am asking it of you.

His response:

“Fuck u u commit or quit!”


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