How Did You Find Out?

WomanCryingThe book is coming along nicely and yesterday I was working on a section about Discovery–how and when we find out that our spouse or partner is a Sex Addict.

I can remember the day I found out as if it were yesterday. It was a Thursday and I was off work. While sorting through the stack of mail from the previous few days I noticed that a bank statement that I had seen come in was missing.

That’s the day I found the bank statements hidden in the back of my husband’s desk drawer. Statements that showed frequent withdrawals adding up to over a thousand dollars a month, every month for almost two years.

I didn’t confront my husband until Sunday, and of course, he lied; making up stories about buying stuff for the office and just needing extra cash. After a full day of questioning, yelling, begging and pleading he finally admitted to seeing ‘a prostitute’. It took over three years to get the rest of the story in bits and pieces.

How we find out is as varied as our personalities. Some women are married to active Sex Addicts for decades before they find out, others, like me, find out early in the relationship.

How did you find out?

Please share your story about how you discovered that you were involved with a Sex Addict. Thanks.

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. ~ Swedish Proverb

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Responses

  1. I’m the wife of a sex addict. Sex, being one of the many addictions he struggles with. He was sexually abused as a child starting at age 5 – over a 10 year period – by a cousin & uncle. He is now a licensed therapist, who still acts out but is attempting recovery. In the years we’ve been married – I’ve caught him repeatedly having contact with other men. No physical contact has been proven or admitted – but he only admits to whatever I discover – no full disclosure.

    I’ve attended a recovery group for wives, and since then, my attitude has changed, but I still feel that trigger of fear deep in my soul when I see a “sign” of him taking that path again. Stress is his trigger. Um, yeah – LIFE is stressful…

    Needless to say he told me he was an addict IN RECOVERY before we were married, but began acting out via email, websites, phone calls and texting not long after we were married and has continued it (off and on) through the few years we’ve been married. I’ve been the one to discover his “acting out” on computers and phone records.

    The last time I discovered it I said we could no longer remain a family (we have 2 little girls) unless he committed to recovery. I cannot change his behavior, but I cannot tolerate it either. I lied for years – covering for him. I isolated myself from friends and family – covering for him. I was sick, too – and I am working on my own recovery. We have a lot at stake.

    It is hard. How long will it be until he caves? Until he gives in to his need for control – for that’s what he tells me it is? How long will life’s stress beat on him before he gives up? I don’t know – and I can’t answer that. I pray he never does and have hope for recovery – but I know he’s not perfect, so I’m keeping my feet on the ground.

  2. For me, I discovered porn in the computer’s history when I was looking for a file. We’d been together 25 years (since I was 16) and he did a very good job hiding it. He swore it was just porn and was actually proud to say that he hadn’t been with a real live person other than me sexually. We entered counseling and for 9 months worked on what we thought was a porn addiction. He said he used porn to medicate when he was depressed or bored. But then I kept catching him in lies and finally he confessed that he had been sexual with other women our entire marriage. He had acted out sexually with his subordinates, seeking sexual favors in return for favorable treatment in the workplace to validate his low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. He worked for a casual dining restaurant where sexual harassment was tolerated so he never had to worry about getting fired. None of the information about sex with other women was ever disclosed in our therapy and none of his acting out partners ever confronted me. He played a very good game of deception and denial.

    I have to say I’m somewhat thankful for the delayed disclosures. I think if I would have found out about everything all at once I would have gone crazy and taken our child and run as far away as I could. Instead, I sought help for myself for co-dependency and began to understand how my behavior as well as his addiction created the perfect storm. But because of the delayed disclosure, I will never really feel like I have received FULL disclosure and will alway wonder about what I don’t yet know.

    Unlike many women I’ve met, I never saw it coming. There were no signs, even in hindsight. I feel like I was totally blindsided. He lived a double life and every one of our close friends was just as surprised and shocked as I was.

    I have decided it is not healthy for me to stay in this relationship. I am a 41 yr old professional woman with a young child and I can no longer accept the toll all of the lying has taken on my health and our family’s well being. I have weighed the options of staying together for our child vs. divorcing and raising our son in a co-parenting situation. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be able to trust him because of the continued lies throughout his recovery. He is very committed to recovery in every other way but can’t seem to understand the damage that has been done to me emotionally nor relate to the difficulty I have being with a person I can’t trust.

    I truly want him to be successful in his recovery but I can’t spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do feel stronger than I ever have before because I am now taking care of myself, putting myself first and that is what will make me a healthier person. That is my recovery.

  3. I found out my husband had sex with a stranger-and then found out about his SA. I found out-by looking on the computer and seeing that he had a secret email account. I hacked into it-and then found his Ashley Madison account and his emails to a married high school principal-one where they talked about a sexual encounter at the school!!!) I knew something was amiss though-for a long time. I didn’t even know about SA-had I-I think I would have known sooner.

    I feel stupid now-I knew he looked at porn-I thought from time to time. I thought all guys did. I actually thought I was a cool wife because I didn’t care about it! I had no idea that it was weekly if not daily-for hours. I also knew that he never wanted to have sex with me. Which-now I know why and I know is a sign that he is acting out.

    I feel ‘lucky’ and he does too-=that he got caught before he did anything worse. He did admit that he would have done it again and again until i caught him.

    I will say that it sucks being married to an addict-who didn’t seek help until after they betrayed you. Because his recovery demands my compassion and patience-at a time when I least feel like offering either.

  4. My husband cheated in college (No proof). Had an affair at the beginning of our marriage. We fought through it. In graduate school he had an affair. He promised to change and I believed him. Told me if we settled down by having kids he would grow up finally. 10 years later I found out about two more affairs, back to back. I was so deeply hurt and shocked. He had no answers. Went into therapy. One year later I learned of hookers. Told him he was super sick and to find out what his problem was. Went to B & N’s and came back w/ a book on SA. Everything suddenly made sense. I am codependent and traumatized. He is in three hours of therapy a week and if I am honest, I will admit that I now despise him. Meanwhile I am trying to get my life back & trying not to hate myself as much I hate him–for staying and destroying my life and wasting my youth on a cad who never deserved me.

    I know I sound bitter. Truth is I was doing so much better but this Tiger Woods thing is really getting to me. I feel like I am re-experiencing disclosure again. My feelings are suddenly very raw. My brain is saying, “This is happening to you,” even though I know that it is not.

  5. Kay,

    You sound like such a lovely sensitive woman, and if I’m reading your post correctly, it sounds like you are still under 40 and that means (in my book) that you are still quite young–just a lot wiser now and that wisdom is only going to enhance your inner beauty which will reflect in your outward beauty. I think that the most beautiful women in the world are over 40 and so, please know that your life is merely beginning. You have not lost a thing, but merely gained in knowledge and experience which you are learning more and more every day and becoming all the more beautiful as each day progresses into the next.

    Please be kind to yourself.

    Sometimes I have thought. If a man or woman has numerous lovers, why did they choose to marry AND stay with ONE particular partner? My only conclusion, is that for whatever reason, that partner is very special to him or her. In the vast majority of cases, unless the man is an out and out misogynist, I don’t believe it was so that he could inflict endless amounts of misery on his partner.

    I am sure that your husband cares for you deeply; alas he did not “grow up” as he hoped he would and not because he didn’t want to; but simply because for whatever the reason, he simply couldn’t help himself. This is not to excuse his behavior, but simply to help yourself understand that his acting out was to help himself feel a certain way and was never intended as a means to hurt you.

    You have every right, however, to be intensely angry and even bitter, but your life is far from ruined, in my opinion.

    The one thing I want to address and I have not read this here, is that it is fairly common knowledge — especially if anyone has followed such anthropologists as Helen Fisher who I adore for her clear incisive understanding of human behavior and how and why we do some of the whacky things we do. If anyone is interested, you can find some of her lectures on youtube. She’s extremely articulate and makes the subject of human behavior completely fascinating.

    I have heard her say in the past, that men are genetically programmed to seek out multiple partners and this stems way back thousands of years as this was ingrained in the man’s brain as a necessity to perpetuate the species. (as a matter of fact, my lover used that as an excuse for his acting out, but…) I am not sure if the cave woman of 40,000 years ago, was any happier about the fact that her husband had strayed however. On the other hand, and I love this theory, she has gone on to say that women have affairs as a means of a “back up plan” in case something should happen to the provider the “hunter” of the food, lest they should all starve.

    Of course, we have supposedly “evolved” into a more genteel society of mores, morals, rules and laws. But, have we? and are the rules of society that have been imposed upon us realistic? This is simply food for thought and certainly I am not advocating any kind of deception or cheating on the part of people who have taken vows to love, cherish and forsake all others.

    I do know some couples who have taken up a non-monogamous life-style and are as happy as clams. Of course it is not for everyone and the point here… and I think it is a valid one is that the way it works is that the partners are candidly honest with the other. At least to the point, that each have agreed to be. But there is clear and open communication and a genuine caring of the feelings of the other. There are no lies or deception going on. This is not to say that there are never any problems in this kind of relationship. Of course, there are as in all relationships, but the point is that the couple has worked out an arrangement that is mutually beneficial. In traditional unions where one or both are “cheating”, it is the deception and the betrayal of trust that is the most disgusting and hurtful, in the end.

    I wish everyone peace and good will in this holiday season.

    xo,

    L

  6. Thank you all for posting your comment except Lorriane. Her post isn’t helping at all. It makes me feel worse. At any rates, I am so torn. I am so isolated. I throw out all of my favorite things to do, friends, and family. I use all of my energy to watch him and afraid to leave him alone even for a second. fearing him will go with prosititues. He goes to them every chance he could at work. Right now he is seeing a sex psychologist yet he still seeks escort. I don’t understand why he see a sex psychologist and keeps seeing escort? I caught him again. Now he wants to castrate. He said he is tired of slaving to his addict. He wants to be free from him. I don’t know if its a good idea for him to castrate. Yes I must admit it would be a nice solution but I am not sure if its a right thing to do for him. He said he is truly tired of it and often have suicidal thought. Perhaps castration could save him. I am in so much mess. I live my life for him. My health is not good. Now I am about to give up. I am so tired. I miss my old self. I miss my friends and families. Should I stay and keep trying? Should I let him get castrated and perhaps it will solve everything for us? I would love to hear your feedback. Thank you.

  7. Sunshine,

    I feel so bad that I made you feel worse.:( I have written a lot on here and expressed a lot of ideas which I understand may have some controversy associated with them as I too, struggle through my own issues. None of us are perfect and that is the point.

    We do all have one thing in common, however. We have all been involved or are currently involved with someone who is addicted to sex. It is an addiction that is particularly devastating as there is an extremely strong emotional component that goes with it, for all involved.

    I hear, in your writing that you love your partner very much and it sounds as if his issue with SA is quite severe; however, someone correct me if I am wrong, but CASTRATION??? as a means to end the problem sounds like an extremely radical solution (if it even works) and will it solve ALL of your problems??? I really do doubt that it will.

    First of all, you need to get some help for yourself, if you aren’t already doing so. I can understand what if feels like to be so completely wrapped up in a man,or even a child… anyone but yourself. But, you can’t help him until you, yourself are stronger. Yes, get back to some of the things that you used to enjoy. Force yourself. Trust me, just changing one thing will help you to feel better and make a positive difference in your own out look.

    I have found recently, that with the downturn of the economy, my business had slowed down so drastically, that this was a big issue for me and my tendency to obsess as I suddenly had more time on my hands and one child had also gone off to college. Now, that I’ve become busier again, its much better. Stay as busy as you can, and especially doing the things that give you pleasure.

    Remember, that you are NOT your partner’s keeper. As Joann said, you must express clear boundaries and what the consequences will be, if he breaks them. But, if he’s going to act out he will do so, whether you are watching him or not. And constantly breathing down his back is only going to antagonize him further and create a deeper rift in your relationship.

    Is his psychologist helping him at all? If he is suicidal, then immediate action must be taken.(not castration) That is an extremely serious issue, not to be taken lightly. The most prevalent reason for suicide is depression. Castration will not help his depression.(I can’t think of anything more depressing for a man!) The depression is the immediate concern as I see it, but again, I am not a professional. Just someone who is the daughter of a therapist, and has read a lot and also had a lot of my own therapy(for depression) and also has a child with AD/HD and one with autism. (Our family is practically a walking DSM-IV!!!) Is he on meds and has that been explored? He will need to see a good psychiatrist for that. And for yourself, it would be helpful to also seek out a good counselor as well. Then, you might consider some couples therapy. Of course, all of the professionals you seek should be extremely knowledgeable about sex addictions, depression and so forth.

    I truly hope that these words were more helpful and I wish you much peace and strength.

    xo,

    L

  8. Sunshine Cat,

    I am so sorry for your pain, all of us here know how you feel.

    I must admit that I have never heard anyone suggest that castration could in any way help Sex Addiction. As a medical person I can tell you that castration, even if performed before puberty, does not inhibit sexual urges, erections or orgasm. It does make one sterile and removes the testicles, which produce about 90% of the body’s testosterone. Castrated men may lose some of their secondary sex characteristics but not their ability to perform sexually.

    Sex Addiction is not about the sex, it’s about the fantasy and the chemical reactions that occur in the brain. In other words, it’s mostly in their head. Castration will have no affect on that.

    Please, for your own sake and for the sake of your spouse/partner, get professional help. Find a counselor who can refer him to a psychiatrist or medical doctor capable of evaluating the situation and prescribing appropriate medications.

    And please, find a counselor for yourself. I know we often think we can handle this alone–but we can’t. Loving a Sex Addict is traumatic and causes emotional and physical changes to us over time. We lose our self confidence, our self esteem and sense of normalcy. It’s a deep hole that we cannot emerge from without help.

    To find a counselor or psychiatrist in your area use the search box on your computer. Type in your city and state then the words ‘psychiatrists’ or ‘sex addiction counselors’ or just ‘counselors’. That should give you a list of names and phone numbers. Give them a call, leave a brief message about your problem (especially the suicide thoughts) and they will call you back.

    If you can’t afford their services most will help you for a very reduced fee or for free. Don’t be afraid to be honest and ask for help, it is right out there waiting for you.

    My thoughts are with you. Please keep in touch and let us know how things work out.

  9. Well. I have posted previously (seren)about how I came to find out about the sex addict I was with. I ended my relationship over 4 months ago. So how am I feeling now? Not good. No closure. I have been trying to fill all the space in my life with work, children, extra night classes, wine with friends etc etc. It’s not working. Whenever I am on my own I am overcome by sorrow and spend most of my time crying. Nobody knows this. I present as normal. But I’m not who I was. I feel broken hearted and distraught still. Is this normal? Or is this because of the circumstances which led me to leave the man I thought I knew. I don’t want to be left alone with my feelings anymore. I want it to go away. I know it’s good to let yourself feel and cry but when is it going to end. I want to block it all out now. I don’t want to think or feel. Am I being dramatic? Why is it taking me so long to be better? I don’t sleep so I alternate between having wine some nights to taking over the counter ‘nightalls’ to actually staying awake for 2 nights in a row in order that my body cannot physically stay awake. This is because I do not want to rely on alcohol or nightalls because I know they’re not good for me. I function, but I am sad so so sad. I don’t want to own my feelings. I want someone to take them away and then give them back all better. I don’t question my decision but I have so many questions which will never be answered. It’s just as hard to leave someone you love as it is to stay with them. x

  10. Well..this is a great site and I’m so glad I found it.

    My husband has never been easy and in 11 years of marriage he has had numerous addictions to porn, drugs, nicotine and sex but the sex/porn addiction is so much worse then I ever thought. I found a condom on the laundry room floor 3 months ago. My whole marriage flashed before my eyes and everything I didn’t want to admit before was staring back at me in that condom in my hand. There had always been a lot of signs but nothing I could prove really with regard to outside the marriage sex but this was the smoking gun.

    I then downloaded just about everything with regard to cell calls made and all our financial paperwork and it was all there. Strip clubs, Escort services, paid internet porn sites. I know if I was able to find that much then there was a whole lot more of it I could not find in a paper trail.

    Now I’m not stupid and I’ve always known he had issues with porn/masterbation and it’s been a huge problem in our marriage. I just never believed until now that he would go that far. So I’m filing for divorce after x-mas. We have a four year old. I am more upset about my son then anything because he does love his dad and now dad will be somewhere else.

    My husband and I use to have more sex then any couple I know. He is a good looking banker. I just can’t believe this is my life and I can’t believe that he is actually blaming me for his sex addiction! He ruined our life and he just tells me to grow up and acts like he doesn’t care that he did this to us.

  11. So much to say and where to start is very difficult…
    I have been with my husband for 20 years and married for 15. He is kind and sensitive, fun and dynamic – my very best friend and a good father to our 2 children 14 & 16. He is also detached and cold, hard and unreachable, cruel and neglectful. A really complex and difficult person to share a life with. I love him with all my heart and cant imagine a life without him. I have been distraught and heartbroken many many times and wish he could change. I have carried a sadness and weight in my heart waiting for a glimmer of hope to relieve the burden my soul has to bear.
    Because I have always believed that he has battled with the demons in his head and tried hard to overcome his addiction to sex I have always forgiven/ helped/ counselled him and we have stayed together.
    My experience is that the disorder is progressive and the symptoms become worse as the need for the high becomes more and more difficult to achieve.
    Four years ago he confessed/confided(because he said he felt so close to me and it was safe to tell me!) that he had used prostitutes again (he had used prostitutes before we were married and from the age of 19). It was my daughters birthday and i was crushed and useless. I asked him to leave and he moved out for a year. During this time we both tried to move on. I met a man and it was at this point that I believed he understood the pain he had previously caused me. He was totally devastated and made me feel that he would never risk our relationship and family again.
    This last year has been my most difficult as he has emotionally moved further away from me than ever before. I am the obstacle that stands between his lust for sex and I can’t reach him on any level. He resents me for coming between his needs and causing feelings of guilt. After another episode of grief and heartbreak in the summer -I finally asked him to move out and I face my first Christmas in 20 years without him.
    I have been in a state of collapse, physical and mental torture is with me all the time.
    He is in the darkness again and this time I cant help him. I have tried.
    I have countless stories and all the emotions and ups and downs of the last 20 years are etched into my face.

    I am only 41 and feel very tired- like i have lived many life times.
    I have two amazing children and my focus is them.

    your partner loves you
    your partner is lost to a power beyond their control
    you have great sex with your partner
    you have regular sex with your partner
    you are not the problem

  12. I am very glad I found this site–thus far I have not seen anyonoe mention belonging to S anon or COSA. I hope that you all have the ability to go to some meetings.

    I am not married to a sex addict–I have been in a relationship with one for 7 years. His history was that he was abused at age 11, and he had not disclosed who, but odds are on his mother.

    I grew up in an alcoholic home–my father was a well educated professional who came home every nite and took in a Tupperware tumbler of Jack Daniels.

    I have been in Sanon for 4 years, grateful for the program and for the wonderful women I have met thru it.

    Married for 16 years, I divorced my controlling husband, and within a year, had met the SA. The first disclosure was on our first date. He told me he had never been faithful to anyone in his life. Ha. Instead or running for my life, Itook this to mean that he wanted to be faithful to me. I told him I did not want to see him (we worked together) and that I appreciated him being truthful with me. A year later, I went out with him. There were many breskups, much concern for my two teenage boys, and gut wrenching drama. Then I found S anon, and while life is not easy, I have come to appreciate his love, and the times he has been sober, which thankfully continues now. We have a business together, and now plans for a future. I don’t trust him. But I do trust me. I love the person, the soul and hate the disease. His struggles are his own, and I work on myself, rather than focusing on him. I, too, got triggered by the Tiger Woods story…

  13. Sunshine cat, your husband is a manipulator! If you really think he is serious about castration, than you are being naive. He is only saying that to make you think that he is soooo serious about wanting to be good to you, he no more would go through with castration than a man in the moon. You need to stop buying his bs and move on! Be happy you found out now, and don’t be so upset, you are not the one messed up, he is “now” and he will be “after you leave”. Do you really want to spend your life like this? Or can you handle more heartache, before you decide enough is enough? The fact that he’s still seeing excorts while in recovery shows that he is just going through the motions, he’s not serious about stopping. I think it is pathetic that he tries to manipuale you with this castration thing, and the sad part is you actually bought his bs once again! Don’t you know he’s laughing inside that his bs worked once again? It only empowers him that he can snowball you so easy!

  14. Sunshine Cat,Sweetie..E D U C A T E ,and take CARE of YOURSELF!!!These guys are extremely secretive,only telling you their secrets when they think it will benefit them. They derive much pleasure in making others unhappy, are manipulating in so many ways and levels, you can’t imagine. Look up “personalities of sex addicts” all prints say pretty much word for word all of the crap my husband tried with me, and continues to try, even though he is crying about what he has done, and wants help now. Now that HE is in trouble. He knows that when it does come to the point of my seeking legal counsel ( which I already have, he just doesn’t know about it) He will lose his ass!!! Interesting… we were arguing a while ago. I told him I thought that I should leave. He was o.k. with that, until he realized I was talking about my own counsel. His comment was “they will take everything I have! That’s fair…take what little I have left”. I guess he thought I would just walk away with nothing! HAR D HAR HAR!!! These guys practice manipulation like most people practice religion. It’s an every day thing for them. Mine has gotten in so deep, he can’t remember month to month what he has told me. This might be the time to also mention that these guys also have selective memory. Pay close attention, Sweetie. I thought my husband was the greatest, even though I suspeced something wrong. He did all of the right things, knew what to say when there was a problem. Some day, if I can get the energy, I will comment a list of all of the lies, and promises, excuses this man has made to me over the years. As it is very difficult to catch these guys in the act. Even when you do, they lie their way out of it. My husband got caught with prostitutes. My bank called to inquire about the charges on OUR bank card. I busted him when he came home a few days later. At that point, I also let him know that I found a hair from one of the young Asian girls he was frequenting at the spa. I had found the hair in my bath room sink the day before he left town, but hadn’t said anything. Y ou don.t accuse unless you have them, I’ve leaarned. He had already admitted to being with them, and often! And yet, when it came up again, he tried to say that I was always accusing him of things he hasn’t done, and at that point wanted to know what the hair looked like, because “it could be the dogs hair”. These guys DO NOT give it up. There have been many times that I really believed him. But it always goes in the same direction, only each time, more risk, harder sex, weird sex. I always would wonder how he knew all of the moves that he used on me in our bed. I remeber thinking that it was all of the porn he had been into. It is not. I had a theapist tell me, and him as well, that porn is a gate way to harder & more deviant behaviors. And she was RIGHT! Husband still does’nt get the connection. He conviently gets it when he needs to. When things are not going well for HIM. Just be very careful. I know it SUCKS, but you almost have to sink to their level of mistrust (when it conceerns you & his activities, and words of appology). I know you want to be all of that for him. Be there to “help” him. I adored my husband as well. I made him my EVERYTHING, and he jussst kept running with it. I know it hurts.

  15. Have you noticed the abnormal amount of self pity SAs have? The whole world is against them. Everything is so unfair. They get taken advantage of, time and time again. Everyone takes from them. They have nothing that is just really for themselves. Their whole life is about doing for others (ummm, did you say doing FOR others or just DOING OTHERS!)

    I guess it’s just another way that they justify their behaviors.

  16. My Sex Addict husband says it perfectly, ‘It’s all about us–it’s always about us.”

    Sex Addicts are hypersensitive to their own feelings and completely oblivious to the pain, hurt, despair or trauma that they cause others.

    It’s all part of their illness.

    I love your sense of humor Jennifer. 🙂

  17. I found out July 5, 2009, after 23 unhappy years of marriage. I use Internet Explorer, he uses Firefox. I used his computer to check news websites, etc. IE stopped working on his computer, so I clicked on Firefox and clicked on the drop-down box out of force of habit, expecting to find my links. WRONG. I found his favorites. After I looked through all of them, I searched the hard drive for *.jpg and I found his stash of porn, hidden in the systems files. I looked at the file creation dates. This was obviously a long-standing habit and a currently activce habit. The internet history had been deleted. I closed it all up, spent the next 2-3 days in clinical shock, then I got busy.

    1. Well, here goes. I found out in July 1998 when my second son was 7 weeks old. I found out by ringing the phone company as I was confused why I hadn’t seen a bill in months (he had been stashing them). They told me the balance of my account, which was high, and it set my mind wondering. I remembered that when I was 8 months pregnant with my first son I had crept downstairs one night to find my husband whispering on the phone to someone. He lied that it was work and he was whispering so as not to disturb me (ever thoughtful!). Although I didn’t believe his explanation I think I buried it as I was so close to giving birth I couldn’t deal with the idea my husband was being unfaithful. After finding out about the phone bill I went searching and found two credit card bills. Each card had about £3000 balance on it. I was completely unaware we were in any debt. I confronted him about it – he was in bed asleep as he was working night shifts at the time. He angrily told me that he was tired and we would discuss it later! He tried to give me rubbish about having invested the money and lost it but my dad and brother confronted him and he caved in and told the ‘truth’. He had been phoning chat lines and all the money had gone on those. He always tried to claim that they weren’t sexual and that the only reason he phoned them was because I wasn’t there for him. At this point I told him to leave and he moved in with his parents. I then investigated further, requesting old bank statements, phone bills, credit card bills etc. and found out that one quarterly landline bill was £1500. The month that bill arrived he lied to my parents that he hadn’t been paid and got the money from them to pay the phone bill, pretending it was for the mortgage etc. I went round to confront him about this at his parents’ house and he swore at me and became extremely agressive. His parents didn’t want to know and didn’t think he needed help. To this day I resent them, as their refusal to admit he had a problem made him more able to stay in denial. We went to couple counselling which was a waste of time as it was not focussed on his problem and he frequently found reasons not to go. Eventually we had our appointments cancelled as he ‘could not get time off work’. After 6 months apart I (stupidly) agreed to give it another go. Nothing changed. We had to move to another town through work and shortly after that I had to get an evening job to help pay the bills as he was up to his old tricks. I think he loved me working those hours as it gave him time to do what he liked without me around. I never had proof that he actually slept with other people but evidence would suggest it. For example, once on a business trip to London he rang me ‘upset’ saying he had just been taken at knifepoint to the cash machine and forced to withdraw £250. The ‘mugger’ didn’t take his card, or his phone, he didn’t get a crime reference number and he told noone in his family about this event! Many times I wanted to leave, but ‘stayed for the children’ and because he begged me to. At the end of 2009 he got back in touch with a female ex workmate on facebook. He met her socially with the old work gang but I suspected that he was seeing her on his own. One night when he had gone out ‘with the work gang’ I woke up at 4.45am to find he wasn’t home. I rang his mobile but got no answer. Kept trying and eventually after a long time it was answered by him. He admitted he was at her house – he had gone back for a ‘coffee with another male ex workmate’ and he and this supposed other male were now waiting for taxis because the one they’d ordered earlier hadn’t come etc etc etc. I was unreasonable for even thinking there was anything amiss in this and disbelieving there was another male there with him. He also came home from a ‘work dinner’ one night smelling really strongly of cigarette smoke (she’s a heavy smoker). He insisted it was because one of his ‘clients’ was a smoker. I pointed out that smoking is banned in restaurants and he insisted this smell was because the guy had gone outside for a cigarette and then sat next to him! Shortly after this, he announced that he couldn’t live with me because I don’t trust him. At first I was relieved – finally I was going to get my wish and be free of him. Then I had second thoughts. I still worried how the kids would be affected by the split and suggested maybe we should give it another go. He refused. I was sure he was seeing this woman, so looked at his phone, only to find a message from her saying she loved him and one from him saying the same. I threw him out on the spot, despite the fact that his new batchelor pad that he was going to rent was not ready for another week. Needless to say, his affair was not as bad a crime as the fact that I had dared to look at his phone. I am now a year down the line and although I have a lovely new boyfriend, my kids have taken the split in their stride and seem much happier and I’m so glad I’m no longer with him, I realise I haven’t dealt with the issues his addiction caused me. I think I stupidly thought that if I got rid of him, I got rid of the problems. I’m only just realising the extent of the trauma it’s caused me. I now realise I need help and am going to get it because I don’t want him and his addiction to ruin any more of my life. Thank you for this site. Although I wouldn’t wish my experiences on my worst enemy, it is nice to know there are people out there who have been through the same and can understand.

      1. I see he refused to work it out once you confronted him more and more on things or was it more because he had another woman lined up or both?

        After you kicked him out after you found out what he had been doing did he ever try to come back to you? I wonder because my husband shellshocked me after I had seen he was watching porn on my android phone. Which lead to agruing for hours of him saying he didnt love me anymore dispite the fact that he recently asked me if I wanted to renew my vows with him for our 10 year wedding anniversay. That it was all the hurtful things I had done to him. I was not perfect and I did have my moments I was not proud of but I never lied to him. I was who I was and he knew how to manipulate that. He finally revealed to me that he was into shemales, animal sex and gloryholes. We had broken up on and off through out our 10 years always him abandoning me and our daughter. Well, I forgave him with it leading just this break up almost 4 years more put in. He said he was trying to be normal but he can’t and he’s tried of trying. That he doesnt deserve to be with someone normal. That I should leave him. But, I loved him. As much hurt as I was I just did. Before he revealed the shemales, animal sex and gloryholes he was blaming my actions for his unhappiness in the marriage and the cause of our marriage problems. He said he looked at woman and liked porn which hurt me since I talked to him before all of this early on and he agreed saying he had the same belifes. It like he studied me and mirrored back what I wanted and was searching for. Anyways, he goes on to admit he has been going to gloryholes since 2006 and sucking men off. That the humiliation gets him off. We got back together in 2007 and he never revealed this before if I had known that would have changed so much. He told me he never used protection. A day before this releaving that came about because of the porn I found I had this irration and dryness on my lips. I told him have you been with anyone else? That if this was herpes of some kind of STD then for him to tell me this was my life and I needed to know. He refused to drive and put a sad face on and told me he was sad that I was taking away the one thing he never did to me. I felt bad. I felt something was wrong but I had no proof. He was sweet, understanding, caring. He would come home with surpizes for me we had the same interest, cooked and cleaned. I thought I had a rare package. I felt it must be me since I had been in a crappy relationship before. I blamed myself when he didnt come home, with him sterring me to blame myself. He would tell me I was to hard to live with. That I am upset for things other normal people would let go. That I was too restrictive. I tried hard. but nothing seemed to calm the underlining uneasiness and anger I felt when I just looked at him. He told me that he had a low sex drive that it was due to his weight and that the reason he never asked or started sex with me was because he was raised stupidly to be a gentelmen. That he did not want to make me feel forced and that he left it up to me. He never did reject me but he never came after me and I wondered why even though I had expressed to him I needed that sometimes to feel desired from him and loved.

        Early on into the rrelatinoship he hide the phone bill and I found it andn called all the numbers and they were sex lines and 1888 numbers. He would be gone and some nights not come home. I was 5 months pregnant when I found out about all this. Well, he said it was stress from being in the military and he said it was my reastions to him that made him gone. My anger made him afraid to come home. So, I blamed myself for part of what he did. He said it was a mistake that because I had complained about out sex life that it hit him to his core manhood and that he just went to talk to these women even on craigtlist to feel normal cause I made him feel unnormal. So in other words he had a break down that lead him to do things he would not have normally done. So, I blamed myself for it. He later got kicked out of the military for communication online with an unage girl that was an undercover police. He got 60 days in the brigg and I tried to forgive him since he said he never went and met them and had stopped talkin to them before police came to our home. So, he told me he was just being stupid on the internet and his extereme loniness is what made him go crazy. Even in the brigg he sent me a letter detatching and I was heart broken well I didnt write him at all. He got out and hunted me down online and messaged me and got his way back in my heart and our home again. I sear there was a time he was going to bars and spening so much money on drinking. One night he didnt come home and I called the motel room I tracked down he was in and when he answered and heard it was me he hung up on me. I called right back as he was taking the phone off the hook, it must not have had time to ring because I could hear someone that I believe was a female voice saying “you lied to me.” I confronted him and his commanding officer and was told I was hearing things that I had no proof and to let it go I was just in stressed state and I just “thought” I heard someone when no one was there. He said he didnt come that say cause he knew I would be mad at him for drinking and he cant take it when I mad at him.

        There are so many other times. All the while he would come back and I fogave not knowing what I was fully dealing with and hoping things would turn out better. This time as I said he revealed these things to me after leaving porn on our cellphone. I tried to seperate and tell him fine u do what u want but me and you are not just gonna hang out and spend time like before. You go where u want when you want as long as you work and pay the bills and rent. As for me and him I didnt want to do anything with him including no sex. Well, he rejected that and said he didnt like that. He wanted to spend time together doing things. I told him then he needs to get help he is letting these things be number 1 in his life and it cant be that way. That he needed to rely on something more then a fleeding fantasy to get him through whatever emotions he is struggleing with. Well that lasted about 5 days and then I had my own emotions that aked for me to share but obviouly didnt want to hear or know. Well that lead to a big argument. He blamed me again saying he doesnt love me hes holdin onto the rememance of a feeling he use to have for me. That he is glad this stuff came out he doesnt have to keep going on autopiolt with me anymore. He told me that even if he got help and recovered that he knows our relationship will not work because he can not get over the ways I’ve treated him. I have apologized and writen a letter to him taking full responsibilty of my actions. I have made a face to face promise to not do those things again. Refurring to anger and anger outburst. Since he told me what he had been doing I didnt feel that anger that I couldnt understand was there when I was around him. Now that it was all in the air he even admitted to seeing a difference. Either way, he believed that our marriage wouldnt and couldnt work beause of his inability to forgive and let go what I’ve done to him thought out the years. not his SA problems. Well he goes on to tell me he looked at women again that while he is at work (he works at a gas station) when he gets turned on he goes to the back and masterbates. That hes been having a problem with this since he was young. Going to the library to watch porn and masterbate in the study rooms. He admitted to me before he left, after me telling him I need the truth, he said he did all this before I even started my ways. That early on he would go to the dive and spend hours watching porn there. That while out at sea he would watch so much porn they would lock his account and lucky it was durning times I wasnt expecting to hear from him. He said that he has done “even gayier things” then the gloryholes. I still dont know what that is. He told me he wanted the love and acceptane I could give so he hid this stuff from me. I asked him why he turned stuff on me and picked on things that he was really for and like. Why he told me I was his fantasy and that he cant have sex without love that it makes him sick to his stomach. that he not that type of guy and never has been he just wants love. I asked why did he make me feel i was the problem. He said ” I needed to keep you off track”. That hurts. I was just a game and object for the time being that he tore down to make himself feel good. I told him before this that lead to this fight that he need to make an effort to let go of what I did to him let go the feelings of victimization because all is does is feed him to feel like he is not responaible for his actions and choices. Maybe he didnt like what I said which may be why he didn’t want to try anymore.

        I guess the question is, to those of you that had the SA leave you or refuse to take you when u are willing to work together, did they come back trying to get you later after some fun feeding the addiction. Or by the point they leave you and reject you and tell u some of the things they’ve been up to, are they just really though with you? It’s hard to accept the fact that the one who betrayed you is the one also rejecting you as not being enough to work on anything. This is really a nightmare.. Someone pinch me..

    2. I have always found out he was cheating one of two ways; he would accidentally (or maybe not?) leave his personal e-mail account open, OR he would have his banking statement up on the computer and again forget to close it. It was especially difficult because a great deal of his cheating was done while he was unemployed. I have a trust-fund that my father left me when he died and my husband would often ask me to put $300 or $500 into his checking account to prevent his car from getting repossessed or keep him current with some credit card bill. What was really upsetting was that on his bank statement I could clearly see the days I transferred money were followed by gifts sent to women from Godiva, or Tiffany, and just last month he sent out 4 flower arrangements to 4 different women on Valentines Day.
      In addition, he would tell me, with generally 8 hours notice or less, that he had to go out of town to meet with a job recruiter. When I’d ask where he was staying he’d always state that he didn’t know–he’d find some place to stay when he arrived. He would never tell me the name of the hotel, only call me by cellphone and for the most part, not answer any of my calls. Once he said he was going to stay with a friend in Las Vegas and I told him that I was glad because I had that particular friend’s number if I needed to get a hold of him. He went ballistic and said I was not to ever call anyone related to his job search. I pretty much knew then that he was lying about his goings-on.

  18. After 9 years of what I thought had been a happy marriage, from my brother. Marsha changed it to the husband of my best friend who loved me “like a brother” when she tells it in her book. But in reality it was my brother who found the emails between my husband and my sister. He is much younger than me and still lived at home and my sister, after having stayed with us for 6 months after her divorce, had moved back in with our mom. I don’t know how he found the emails since there hadn’t been correspondence between them in months. Did she have them open, was my brother snooping? I don’t really care. All I know if I believe it was not an accident. My husband at first said they had just kissed and I believed him! It is amazing what we will believe if we want to. Long story short, after a few days of him telling me one thing, then me talking to my brother who would tell me something different (he wouldn’t send me the emails because he said he didn’t think I could handle them), my husband finally admitted to it. I told him to get out of the house. Then I told him I deserved to know if there was anything else since it was over anyway. And in one breath it all spilled out. “I’m a sex addict, I’m addicted to porn, I use call girls, I meet up with random women I meet online, I have had group sex…”. I was stunned and speechless. This from a man who had told me he thought it was disrespectful for a married man to go to Hooters. HA! There are no words to describe the pain.