This brave woman sent her story to me to share with all of you. Sex Addiction is not just a problem here in the United States, it is escalating all over the world. I know you will want to give your support and comments to Aimee.
I’ve been in a relationship with a sex addict for almost 3 years. he is this loving, kind , prince charming partner every partner wishes to have…
about 9 months ago, I have started feeling he is keeping some secrets from me,,,,work trips extending to the weekends, spending days at a friend s house in Belgium that I have never heard of!!!
when I finally got so frustrated and confronted him, he told me his dark secret…it was more than I could bear….for some times I thought I’m in a middle of a movie scene…even after all this time, there are moments I think this nightmare cannot be my life…
he told me that he is a sexual masochist and he is going to sado-maso clubs since early ages….and now for the past few months he has gone so deeply into it!!!
I knew about his childhood sexual abuse…after digesting the truth, decided to help him…I suggested to seek for help and go for therapies…
at times he was co operating…and at other times, was saying he is thinking about it!!!!
he was involved with GODDESS LUCREZIA, the most demon woman in the planet , a sadist who is running a BDSM sadist studio in Belgium…she had been seducing him, taking advantage of him, emotionally, physically, financially….
the man I knew, had no dignity left…. from a respectful private businessman, he turned into a monkey in the cage, slave …she was performing public show on him entertaining the other perverts…
our relationship ended at some stage there as I had no other choice but to let him go!!!
but he s a sex addict…he struggles between the 2 worlds…
he pleaded for help again, he told me he has seen the dark side of it, he has seen the damages and he loves me and he wants me back and he wants himself back…
being a father of 3 beautiful children, I accepted his apology, and together we started picking up the pieces…
started researches on internet…
going to different clinics to heal his physical damages and fractions on his discs etc, etc.
I was by his side all the time..
he started a therapy but it was not very intense and I was really worried…
but he kept telling me not to , as he can see everything clearly, black and white and that he will never go back to that dirty life anymore…
our relationship ended up with him madly in love with me and thankful saving his life…
he started planning for our future,…near future, holidays, long future…buying our house etc…
I gave my last drop of my energy into this relationship, I looked after him, loved him to the last!!!
on Easter we went to visit our friends in south Italy, it was a beautiful one week holiday, I came back home and he stayed back for couple of meetings in Germany…the day he was supposed to come back, he said he needs to stay few more days and therefore will spend the weekend in between at friend s house in Switzerland!! my world turned up side down.,I felt he was lying…but didn’t say anything!!! he called after few hours confessing that he has these urges back and he is on his way to Belgium!!! u begged him not to!!! i cried my eyes off…the whole night on the phone!!
at the end, he decided not to go …he made it back to our home in middle east and I tried to talk to him…for 10 days our life was conversations..a minute he was with me, and a minute later he was not!!
that woman kept calling him which was making it worst! she kept sending him pictures in Latex and e mails describing their dirty sex fantasies!! things he could not resist as a sex addict …he was almost convinced that this is the way he is and he should celebrate it with no shame and there is no cure!
I was devastated! I wanted to walk away, he was holding me back, begging to wait and think,
I was telling him to get help and stick together, he was saying there s a big part of him wants to live!!!
I wished to die a thousand times a day…
I have finally through internet found the best therapist ..we made a contact with her and he was very happy!
he could relate to her and he thought what he was telling him , all made sense!
I was happy!!
but it was not enough!!! goddess lucrezia was after her hunt!!! and didn’t give him a chance to think!
he bought his ticket for Belgium!
I asked him, begged him to only have one more hour talking to the therapist!
it was through web cam.
he did the session, came out and said he’s not going anywhere and from day after tomorrow will start his 90 days program!!
i was crying of happiness..
he said he needs to make a phone call and tell that devil he’s not going!!
he went out to make the phone call,he came back , he said he needs to pack and go!!!I didn’t know what to feel!
his mum and brother had asked me earlier to keep his passport! I was refusing to give him his passport!! he insisted!!!! I was tired!!!
didn’t have any energy anymore…
I gave him his passport and he left!!! telling me that he loved me!!!!!! what a crap!!!
it’s been a week since then now…I don t know how I feel, am taking pills and do therapies…still in a shock!!
in a house which still smells of him everywhere!
he still sends me e mail that he will be back and he loves me …etc etc…which makes me even more sick and I know where he is and what he s doing!!!
I was a woman standing by my man , and he traded me to a whore….
I lost some of the best years of my life,
being introduced to a dirty world which am not belong to!!!
and feel tired….
Are you from the Netherlands ? so am I.
First of all let me tell you what a strong woman I think you are for keeping up with this man.
We do a lot of things because we love a person, even if that person destroys everything we believed in.
I know you are a a crossroad right now, and you have to make a choice in your life, I did, and I feel a whole lot better now, gone trough therapy, the anger is gone, alhough the questions remain..
One of the first things the therapist told me, was that my partner had to make his own desicions, take his own responsibility for his actions, and that I wasn’t his mother, his keeper, and I had to choose for myself in order to be able to make it.
I believe that in this, you have to put your foot down, for the one thing your partner knows, is that you will take him back after every time he has acted out ( what a nice reassuring idea for him that no matter what he does or acts, you will take him back )and in doing so, you are still feeding his addiction, you ARE his enabeler.
Your husband has to hit rock bottem first before he is even willing to do anything about it, for he knows that no matter what, he can always come back to you.
Like you, we had our own company, it went bancrupt because of his addiction, ( he didnt work anymore and let me handle everything )but still he wasnt willing to give his addiction up, I found another job so we had income, and he still didnt give a damn, untill I begged him to get councelling, that this was no way of life, he had to do something to get income, for mine was just enough to get some bills payed, and some food on the table.
Long story short, he didn’t, but he agreed to go to councelling with me after I told him that either he go to councelling with me, or I would leave him. ( he went to councelling before, got admitted, told everyone what THEY WANTED to hear, – manipulative behaviour- but didn’t give a damn and was still feeding his addiction there while in clinic)
After our first session with the councellor, we got home, and found a letter that our house was going to be forclosed, and THEN is when he found out what he had started, that it didn’t only affect him, but me and our son as well..
I stopped taking care of him, his needs, just like the councellor said, stopped making excuses for him to friends and family, and I must say that after taking that desicion, I feel a whole lot better.
He knows that when he falls back, I am leaving, and I think you have to make that choice for yourself as well, not only for your sake, but for your children as well..
I am dutch too. I feel such a need to talk to someone about this. I can’t seem to find anyone facing the same freaky story like ours.
I went to counseling for a year just to deal with all of this. I get so much promises from my partner as well. I feel like im in some sort of nightmare, except it is my life.
I am now at a point that i will end this relationship if nothing changes. I have even set a date in my mind. I handed out my terms to my husband, but nothing much happens.
My husband was sexually abused as well, i have read and read about that topic. I now now that i am not going to settle for years of destructive patterns repeated over and over again on my expense and that of our child.
I just can’t not after all this hurt.
Does any of you would want to talk?
I can hear your pain, frustration and anger. And I resonate with your decision not to settle for more of the same. I looked into the future and saw my life with a dirty old man. Yuck.
No one can know your life the way you do, but always, when there are children involved, I’m concerned that we mothers do what is in their best interests for a healthy, safe environment. Porn in the home is not a part of that, for example.
Getting some space between you and the addict may give you a perspective that can see more possibilities than you can see when you feel trapped and your children are vulnerable. Can you afford to live apart even for a temporary period? During that time he has to get into his own recovery program, and start making changes.
I’m sorry it sounds so drastic, but it seems that these addicts will work every scrap of grace we give them for their own egoic desires. And there’s nothing inspiring about our children witnessing that over and over again. When parents don’t respect boundaries that are appropriate, children learn not to.
I hope you are still with your counsellor. If not, find another one. It’s like everything, gipsy, you have to find the one that works best for you. Everything, it seems, takes a lot of effort. But getting free of this craziness and this constant hurt is worth it.
May you have all the light you need and deserve, to find your way.
Have you tried the CAD yet ?
Hi Diane and Pip,
Thanks for your comments!
I’m doing all i can, and i try not to obsess over my husbands behavior. Try to focus on me and not on my husbands recovery.
Most of my time goes to my son and normal family life.
I feel emotionally “flat” most of the time, but i will get there again, i am convinced of that. Either with, or without my husband.
I had values/boundaries set for myself right after D-day.
With the free help of recovery nation.com and with the help of my therapist
I recieved EMDR because i was suffering from images/flash backs in my head of all the things my husband was doing while i was working the nightshifts. My husband is an severe addict, he did the works, prostitutes, sex cinema’s parking lots…. And yet he has never been an hour late from work. I always got the feeling he wasn’t that into sex.
With me he was always nice, tender and caring. I do not know anyone who doesn’t like him. He’s just nice and caring. Suppose it is the Tiger woods thing or something…
And that is why i picked my husband over many others. Because i respected him and because he seemed very ok to me.
So it was a huge shock to find this out about him. After 13 years!
Something just snapped in my head.
My view of the world, changed. Nowadays i close the curtains at night, you never know who is lurking in the dark.
Next to that my in-laws where exposed as one big incestuous family in denial. They all blamed us, my husband and me for the “situation”. But i know that is an common thing to happen. It still hurts tho.
My husband has been “sober” ever since D day. About 2 years now. So thats a good and positive thing. But without his addiction in place, he is such a mess. He hurts himself sometimes, troughs-up, dissociates. His therapist diagnosed him with C-ptsd last week.
I feel my husband is pushing me away and sabotaging rebuilding our relationship in a very subtle way. I feel like im playing the part of the “helper” and he never knows what to do.
I say fight, and he says, lets give it up, its never going to work, i am a crazy freak, get away from me while you can.
More and more im beginning to grasp the concept that sex and love addiction is in fact, an intimacy disorder in the first place.
I would do so much to fix our family and my husband and myself. But i just feel drained right now.
Pip, we went to something similar, like the CAD. But they said it wasn’t addiction but compulsion. My husband has a private counselor now. He also went to the SLAA
Some time apart is an good idea. And that is what i will do if he doesn’t takes charge. Im not going to fight alone. Im to tired.
Oh and Aimee,
It seemed to me you tried and tried, you gave it your best maybe even more. Ironic how love is not enough when dealing with an sex and love addiction.
I respect your integrity, you did what you could. I wish you strength and wisdom dealing with this pain.