Sex Addiction explained. Causes, recovery, new methods of recovery, counseling, 12 steps, how spouses of Sex Addicts cope, what it is like to be married to a Sex Addict.
When you find out that your spouse or partner is a Sex Addict a piece of you dies. You lose your sense of reality and equilibrium, your self esteem, your lifestyle, your hope and your trust. It’s as if everything you believed in and everything that existed has suddenly been shattered. The world you thought was real disappears, leaving behind a dark and ugly landscape strewn with lies and deception. The person you love is suddenly a stranger and you no longer feel safe in your own home. (more…)
Why can’t they just tell me everything and get it over with?
That is probably the most painful cry of spouses and partners of Sex Addicts. We get information in bits and pieces, or as one woman put it, ‘on the installment plan’. Even when confronted with black and white evidence Sex Addicts just can’t seem to admit what they have done. Even though we beg them for the whole story we only get a few paragraphs at a time.
And every time a new ‘truth’ comes out, every time we hear another contradiction or find out about another lie we feel as if the old wounds have been ripped open and doused with salt. And with every new disclosure we are thrown back to square one, left to start all over again picking up the pieces (more…)
Well, I went to my second COSA meeting this week
I still have major objections to the implication that a spouse or partner of a sex addict needs to accept the tenants of the 12 steps.
Is there really such a thing as Sexual Addiction? Is Sex Addiction an uncontrollable, inbred, genetic disorder that cannot be reversed or cured? Is Sex Addiction a psychological disorder brought about by childhood trauma or abuse? Or, are Sex Addicts simply self-centered, immature and immoral jerks; individuals who lack impulse control and who seek pleasurable experiences without considering the consequences?
Ask ten counselors or psychiatrists and you will probably get at least that many answers. The major 12 step groups for Sex Addicts have varying but similar views (more…)
Here are some interesting comments from some of my friends about my last post–thank you everyone for sharing:
Yes, when a sex addict acts out, it is cheating. The only difference between the cheating a non-addict might engage in and the cheating a sex addict engages in is the relationship the cheater has with the cheating. For a non-addict, the cheating may be a symptom of a particularly tough time in his life, marriage problems, etc.–it’s a way to cope with a specific, isolated situation in his /her life. For a sex addict, on the other hand, sex is what he/she uses to cope repeatedly with almost every uncomfortable emotion or situation over a long period of time, often a lifetime.
In that sense, some people might argue that the cheating a non-addict does is worse than the cheating an addict does because it’s nothing personal against his/her spouse–it’s just the way the addict deals with everything and he would cheat (more…)
Can you believe that? After years of separation, counseling, 12 step meetings, soul searching and an ungodly amount of time spent in discussions over his addiction, my husband had the…
Wow! You can’t get more mainstream than the Wall Street Journal! In my research I ran across this article and was impressed by it’s no-nonsense approach and helpful links.
Oprah, Good Morning America, Dr. Phil and many others in the media have done much to educate the public about the problem of Sex Addiction and as the public becomes more aware of the seriousness of this issue the stigma and sensationalism of the topic will hopefully decline. I am optimistic that this education of the masses will have a positive ripple effect on all Sex Addicts.
Sexual Addiction is based on shame. The addict, for whatever reason, (more…)
Probably the most controversial issue surrounding addictions of all types is recovery. Most recovery programs are based on the AA 12 step model. Statistics are difficult to decipher and recovery rates vary from 5% to almost 100%. The higher stats don’t take into account all the members who come to a few meetings and, for whatever reason, never return. Of course, those who stay will claim a 100% recovery rate.
Scientific data on the 12 step programs show that the recovery rate is almost exactly the same as no intervention at all, which will result in a spontaneous recovery of about 5% of addicts. It is unfortunate that the mindset of our society is (more…)
From my journal: It always comes down to this when dealing with a Sex Addict. It's not about what they do, although that is vitally important, it's more about what…
Dopamine is a naturally produced chemical that stimulates certain parts of our brains during pleasurable activities such as sex. For that reason it has been dubbed the 'pleasure chemical'.
As if spouses and partners of Sex Addicts don't have enough problems sometimes the media just adds to our grief by perpetuating myths thinly cloaked as science. While searching the…
When you find out that your spouse or partner is a Sex Addict a piece of you dies. You lose your sense of reality and equilibrium, your self esteem, your lifestyle, your hope and your trust. It’s as if everything you believed in and everything that existed has suddenly been shattered. The world you thought was real disappears, leaving behind a dark and ugly landscape strewn with lies and deception. The person you love is suddenly a stranger and you no longer feel safe in your own home. (more…)
Why can’t they just tell me everything and get it over with?
Is there really such a thing as Sexual Addiction? Is Sex Addiction an uncontrollable, inbred, genetic disorder that cannot be reversed or cured? Is Sex Addiction a psychological disorder brought about by childhood trauma or abuse? Or, are Sex Addicts simply self-centered, immature and immoral jerks; individuals who lack impulse control and who seek pleasurable experiences without considering the consequences?
Here are some interesting comments from some of my friends about my last post–thank you everyone for sharing: