From my journal:
It always comes down to this when dealing with a Sex Addict.
It’s not about what they do, although that is vitally important, it’s more about what they say. It’s always about the lies. The lies will get you every time. The lies will cause the doubts. The lies will crumble the foundation of your relationship and it’s the lies that will destroy the trust.
Picture this scenario:
He casually mentions having lunch with a colleague, a consultant he says that he is working with on a case. Nothing more is said. You have no reason to doubt or wonder about anything. You assume the consultant is a male or he would have stated otherwise, right?
Well, that’s what I expected considering we have had seven years (yes—years) of conversations about honesty and transparency. But, I assumed wrongly. Yes, he had lunch with a consultant, yes they went to a fancy Pub, yes he paid for the lunch, and yes he just conveniently failed to mention that this consultant was a woman. Worse than that, he failed to mention that he had been having lunches and coffee with her over the last two years.
His reason for not telling me that this consultant was a woman? He said wanted to avoid a conversation like ‘this’—meaning enduring my anger over his lies and deception. He said that he had made a conscious decision not to tell me that she was a woman because he did not want to get into a ‘discussion’ like this.
I have no doubt (well okay, maybe just a few) that the luncheons have been professional, but our discussion quickly deteriorated, and he fell into his old pattern of denying what he had just said ten minutes earlier about making a conscious decision not to tell me that he was lunching with a woman. He first denied that he had said that, and then fell into that old familiar ‘I don’t remember saying that, but if you say that I said that, then I must have said it’.
How dismissive. This is just one example of the crazies of dealing with a Sex Addict.
That’s where the doubts begin. That’s where we can fall into that dangerous pattern of doubting ourselves. I could have easily chastised myself for doubting him. I could have thought to myself that I should not have pushed the questioning over a simple luncheon because that might make him feel shame–shame that could lead to him to wanting to act out. I could have decided to just ignore my doubts and keep the peace. I could have done many things. But, I didn’t.
I challenged him about his decision to not tell me an important fact. I asked him why he made that decision. Unfortunately all he could say was his old standard, ‘I guess that’s just the addict in me’.
Yes, I remember my counselor’s advice–never ask an addict ‘Why?’
Maybe we do need to ask why. Maybe we need to ask it over and over. And, if we don’t get an answer, maybe we need to decide to just quit asking and to move on.
The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. Robert Graves