Sometimes letters from my readers really touch my soul. I get many private e-mails through the 'Contact' page, which I always answer. Sometimes one will really take me back. Here is my answer to one of those that talked about finding out those devastating facts while monitoring her husband's computer.
I think my husband is a sex addict. The first time I found out he had been sleeping with someone we both knew and she could not keep it a secret any longer. After it came out I found out she was not the only one there were at least five others.
I’ve seen it happen so many times. A Sex Addiction is discovered. There are tears and screams, anger, pain, threats and lots of smoke and mirrors. After the dust settles you have conversations–lots of them, some good, most of them bad, but it helps clear the air. Then you are both spent, emotionally drained. That’s when it happens. And it happens early, usually within the first few weeks or maybe even a few months of the time of the discovery. Both of you start to talk about the future, and there is hope. Your spouse or partner glows with new insights and understanding of their addiction. Apologies, flowers, poems and letters of undying love flow like quicksilver and date nights filled with passion bring a sense of renewed commitment. You let your guard down and start to hope again. I like to compare this to the eye of a hurricane. […]
Unless you live in a cave you have heard the stories and speculation about Tiger Woods’ extramarital dalliances. Whenever a rich and powerful man is caught with his pants down it makes me wonder. Are these men really Sex Addicts (as many claim) or are they just self-centered idiots who take advantage of their power and position? Thanks to Dr. Carnes and others who have studied Sexual Addiction we have a better understanding of this disease. But, not everyone who has multiple affairs, visits prostitutes and massage parlors or sneaks out of the closet every now and then is a Sex Addict. Some of them are just jerks. […]
Sex Addicts live in a rigid, limited world. It’s an absolute black and white existence without any nuances of gray. Their world is either right or wrong, good or bad, all or nothing, always or never. Life is either 100% one way or the other; 50-50 just does not compute. They do not reason, compromise or work things out. Everything is placed in it’s left or right, black or white category never to be pondered again. This ‘black and white’ thinking is a form of Cognitive Rigidity, a Borderline Personality Disorder that is common to all types of addicts and survivors of abuse. It is a primitive pattern seen in early childhood, which ties in with the emotional immaturity of Sex Addicts. This type of thinking makes it difficult to communicate with a Sex Addict. […]
Here are some interesting comments from some of my friends about my last post–thank you everyone for sharing: Yes, when a sex addict acts out, it is cheating. The only difference between the cheating a non-addict might engage in and the cheating a sex addict engages in is the relationship the cheater has with the cheating. For a non-addict, the cheating may be a symptom of a particularly tough time in his life, marriage problems, etc.–it’s a way to cope with a specific, isolated situation in his /her life. For a sex addict, on the other hand, sex is what he/she uses to cope repeatedly with almost every uncomfortable emotion or situation over a long period of time, often a lifetime. In that sense, some people might argue that the cheating a non-addict does is worse than the cheating an addict does because it’s nothing personal against his/her spouse–it’s just the way the addict deals with everything and he would cheat […]
Can you believe that? After years of separation, counseling, 12 step meetings, soul searching and an ungodly amount of time spent in discussions over his addiction, my husband had the nerve to claim that he had never cheated on me. Okay, let's see, hundreds of hookers, three to five times [...]