Sex Addiction explained. Causes, recovery, new methods of recovery, counseling, 12 steps, how spouses of Sex Addicts cope, what it is like to be married to a Sex Addict.
When my husband and I visited the Galapagos Islands last year we visited the Charles Darwin Research Station on Santa Cruz island. This Research Station is the home to ‘Lonesome George’, the last living tortoise of his species. When he dies the species will be extinct.
Thinking back on that trip today I realized that when I met my husband he was like Lonesome George. He had no friends, no social life, no intimacy. (more…)
The book is coming along nicely and yesterday I was working on a section about Discovery–how and when we find out that our spouse or partner is a Sex Addict.
I can remember the day I found out as if it were yesterday. It was a Thursday and I was off work. While sorting through the stack of mail from the previous few days I noticed that a bank statement that I had seen come in was missing. (more…)
One of the most difficult aspects to understand about Sex Addiction is why the addict will risk their marriages, careers, family, children, financial security, social status and literally their entire life for the seemingly small reward of a quick sexual encounter. We non addicts just can’t make sense of it all. (more…)
Sometimes I think when we are dealing with our spouses or partners Sex Addiction we forget that the addiction is not necessarily the only problem in the relationship. Sex Addicts have a myriad of emotional issues that can make the relationship rocky aside from the addiction.
My husband and I had a ‘discussion’ this morning over an incident that happened last night. It had nothing to do with his addiction, it was simply one of those ordinary misunderstandings that should have been over and done with in about two minutes. (more…)
One of the reasons Sex Addicts have such a hard time with recovery is the easy and free access to their mood-altered state...fantasy. Sex Addicts are able to trigger a hit of the pleasure chemical, Dopamine,
What do you need right now from your Sex Addict partner or spouse? For me, the most important piece in our recovery was honest communication. Until my husband got rid…
It’s difficult to understand how someone can become addicted to an activity or behavior such as shopping, eating, gambling or sex. We can understand chemical addictions because it is so straight forward–put the chemical into your body and get a measurable physical reaction. There are levels of the chemical in the bloodstream, visible signs of impairment and serious reactions if the drug is withdrawn. But, in the case of non-chemical addictions the signs are subtle or non existent. Addictions to behavioral processes are called “process addictions.” The process of engaging in these behaviors leads to typical addiction symptoms (withdrawal, tolerance, heightened excitement or euphoria). (more…)
Sometimes it helps to take a look at the comical side of tragedy. Now I know that Sex Addiction is no laughing matter, but often the excuses are. And, not only are the stories uncreative, implausible and transparent it is also comical that they somehow think their tall tales will convince us of their innocence. Sometimes I think they all went to the same school of absurdity as almost all Sex Addicts come up with the same lines. Here are a few of my favorites:
I swear, it was the very first time I ever did that.
It was only once.
It was only twice.
I never intended to meet her, I was just playing mind games with her.
I never intended to do anything, I just wanted to meet her. (more…)
Just imagine...A group meeting where kindred souls come together; a place of sharing and empowerment, discussions and suggestions; each strengthening and supporting without dogma, authoritarianism or judgment. A place to…
Ahhhhhh…ANGER! If you are not familiar with it you better get used to living with your new best friend. Anger is the second stage of grief and for most of us who are confronted with our spouse’s Sex Addiction it is the emotion that stays with us the longest.
Now, some people, such as counselors, co-12 step groups and the like will advise that we should avoid outbursts of anger and that we need to act in a ‘mature’ manner; that anger will have a negative effect on communication or that our expression of anger will cause the addict to withdraw and feel more shame.
Well, sorry, I beg to differ here (and that’s putting it mildly). Unless and until you get all your anger out, (more…)
Sex Addicts live in a rigid, limited world. It’s an absolute black and white existence without any nuances of gray. Their world is either right or wrong, good or bad, all or nothing, always or never. Life is either 100% one way or the other; 50-50 just does not compute. They do not reason, compromise or work things out. Everything is placed in it’s left or right, black or white category never to be pondered again.
This ‘black and white’ thinking is a form of Cognitive Rigidity, a Borderline Personality Disorder that is common to all types of addicts and survivors of abuse. It is a primitive pattern seen in early childhood, which ties in with the emotional immaturity of Sex Addicts.
This type of thinking makes it difficult to communicate with a Sex Addict. (more…)
My husband and I just returned from a Caribbean cruise. I knew the environment would have challenges for him, but I was pleasantly surprised as he really did well. The…