Sex Addiction 101

Just what is Sex Addiction?

Because the term Sexual Addiction is fairly new and remains controversial among professionals there is no generally accepted definition of that term. It is not a valid medical diagnosis, professionals and the general public disagree as to whether is even exists and even Patrick Carnes, PhD the psychologist who coined the term has varying definitions.

My simple definition:
Sex Addiction is an unhealthy coping mechanism characterized by a set of escalating, compulsive sexual behaviors with negative consequences.

Sex Addiction is a set of escalating, compulsive sexual behaviors that have negative affects on the person engaged in the behaviors as well as everyone who is associated with that person. This includes family, friends, employers, employees, intimate partners, and just about anyone within their social circle.

Sex Addicts find it difficult or impossible to control their behavior in spite of serious consequences such as job loss, social scorn, financial ruin, loss of relationships and family, arrest or legal repercussions. I consider Sex Addiction a maladaptive behavior that can be modified.

Sex Addiction takes on many forms from all types of pornography, compulsive masturbation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, the use of prostitutes and escorts, multiple affairs, and, more seriously, pedophilia and rape.

If it is escalating, compulsive and harmful it is an addiction. If your sexual activities are harmful to you and your relationships, and if you have tried to stop the behaviors but have been unable to–you are a Sex Addict.

How do you know if you are a Sex Addict?

Most of us have periods of time in our lives when we feel out of control, frustrated or depressed. Often during these times we may act sexually in ways that are embarrassing and out of character. Does this make us Sex Addicts? Absolutely not.

There are many online tests that can help you to determine if your sexual activity is becoming problematic, but personally, I think this is much too serious of a problem to diagnose with an online test. If you feel that you have a problem with Sexual Addiction a trip to a counselor is a wise choice.

You can take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test that Patrick Carnes developed. Carnes is a psychologist and globally recognized speaker who has been largely responsible for bringing Sex Addiction out of the dark ages and into the media.  The test is quite comprehensive and can be helpful by giving you some insight as to whether your behaviors are skidding outside of  your personal comfort zone of normal.

Are Sex Addicts just people with a high sex drive?

Our society is notorious for glamorizing bad sexual behavior, especially in males. Bragging rights excepted there are differences in sex drives among all of us. But, just having an appetite doesn’t make us run out and act like animals. Sexual Addiction is not just about a desire for sex; it’s about a deep-seated hunger for validation, a need for acceptance, a need to feel wanted, needed and whole. The Sex Addict tries to satisfy those unmet needs with sex. And–it never works. People with high sex drives just enjoy more sex than most of us, but they do not act in ways that are unhealthy or detrimental to themselves or others.

Is Sex Addiction a disease or just a symptom of a weak personality?

Technically Sex Addiction is not listed as medical diagnosis, thus it is not reimbursable through insurance. It is certainly a disorder that causes physical and emotional harm to a person and most counselors and professionals prefer to label Sex Addiction a compulsive disorder or a lack of impulse control. Whatever we call it, it is a problem and needs more research into ways to help addicts overcome their issues. There are hormones and brain chemicals involved as well as personality traits stemming from childhood. I have no doubt that many cannot control their actions without professional help.

What causes some people to become Sex Addicts?

Sex Addiction has such complex roots it would take volumes to try to explain all the possibilities. I am dedicating an entire section of my book to this subject.

Are you born a Sex Addict?

I doubt it, although there are some professionals who would disagree. with me It’s the old ‘nature or nurture’ question that may never be answered, but there is some very interesting new research on brain chemistry that may provide some surprising insight.

Common Traits of Sex Addicts

Sex Addicts have eerily similar personality traits and childhood experiences that leave no doubt that the two are correlated. Almost every woman I have talked with describes conversations and behaviors that sound as if she were talking about my husband, rather than hers. Here are a few of the most common personality traits of Sex Addicts.

Emotionally immature
Lack empathy
Engage in compulsive lying
Lead double lives
Lack coping skills
Unable to form intimate bonds
Use sex to medicate their emotional pain
Feel overwhelming shame and guilt
Lack trust
Socially isolated
Lack self esteem
Engage in ‘Black and White’ thinking
Live in denial
Feel out of control
Harbor anger